Catholics who converted/reverted without your spouse--need advice

[HollyBee]

I'm the OP of the "how would you answer this objection" thread. I stated somewhere in that thread that the conversation with my friend went much better than the one with my dh.

 

Yeah. That's not going well. AT ALL. He is violently opposed to the Catholic Church. However, he doesn't know anything about it. I asked him to just please keep an open mind, and his answer was that he obviously has an open mind, because he's going to Mass with me. When he goes, he sits there radiating hostility. I told him he doesn't have to go with me, because I don't want him to feel forced, but when I tell him I'm going to Mass, and I don't specifically invite him to come with me, he gets mad. :confused:

 

He says that he doesn't feel a connection, and that it's too ritualistic. He says he gets dirty looks when he doesn't kneel or go up for communion. I personally think he's imagining this because he feels uncomfortable not doing what everyone else is doing, but of course, I can't say this because that would just tick him off. I'm not going up for communion either, since I'm not yet in full communion with the Church, so I'm not leaving them (kids are going too) in the pew alone.

 

Dh had a string of really horrible stepmothers during his childhood, and evidently they took him to Mass on Christmas and Easter, then acted like they were holier-than-thou since they were Catholic and he wasn't. This is what he told me, anyway.

 

He is a big reason I left the Catholic Church in the first place. He went to Mass with me when were were dating in high school (mainly to make my mom happy, because he really liked her), but after she died (my junior year of hs), and my dad wasn't Catholic, it was hard to go against both my dad and my boyfriend. So, being young and in love, and being mad at God for my mom dying when she was so young, I left the church. When we got engaged, there was a niggling in the back of my mind that I should have a priest marry us, but dh (d fiancee) said absolutely no way was he going to Catholic premarital counseling, which was required to have the priest at the ceremony, even at another church (we were married in the United Methodist Church, because my grandfather was a Methodist minister). So again, not being strong in my faith, I didn't pursue it.

 

I don't regret marrying dh. He is a wonderful husband and father, and I'm still giddy in love with him after almost 18 years. I just thought that since he's 18 years older that he might have matured a bit more in this area. I'm a bit flummoxed as to what to do here. He feels very strongly that we should attend church as a family, and that's why he's insisting on going with me. I should say that he has never felt strongly enough about it to take the leadership in finding a church. If I don't pick a church and get everyone up on Sunday morning, it doesn't happen.

 

He's not willing to read anything to learn about the Mass or the beliefs of the Church. Honestly, I think he just wants a feel good experience that doesn't force him to change.

 

Oh, and while ds likes Mass, dd doesn't. However, she's more open to talking about it and learning about it than dh. This past Sunday, she was so grouchy about being there that I told dh to take her out. He almost did, but apparently she decided to stay, because they didn't leave. In the car afterward, he said, "If you keep forcing her to go to Mass, I'm afraid of rebellion down the road." I couldn't believe it. I said, "I am not forcing ANYONE to do anything!" (On Saturday night, I had said to them, "I am going to Mass in the morning. I would love for you all to come with me if you want to, but you don't have to.") A few minutes later (back now to Sunday after church), he told me that I was right, that I hadn't forced them.

 

My gracious, this got long! If you've read this far, thank you. I'm not even sure what I'm asking. Maybe advice, maybe btdt stories, I don't know. I'm discouraged, but at the same time, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I am inhaling books about the faith. I am one that doesn't do conflict well, so this is really hard.

 

Help!

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: I have no BTDT experience, but in-laws were vehemently opposed to the Catholic Church. It may be really difficult, but I think that if you just keep going as you have been that his heart may change. I'd give him time. I think it's great that you're inviting them and they're choosing to go! :) I think it's important for the family to attend church together. Instead of focusing on how he's behaving or feeling in church, just let yourself get absorbed in the Mass - as much as that can happen with little ones. :) Pray for him. You never know if what he's hearing and experiencing is making any kind of a change in him, because it doesn't sound like he'd admit to that at this point. When his heart softens, you'll know.

 

Hopefully someone else will have some better advice. :)

[Michelle My Bell]

I have no advice because I would probably feel really uncomfortable in a catholic church as well. It goes completely against my belief system. However, I am curious about something. I noticed you are using MFW RTR. Did you find that hard since MFW is not catholic and this program covers the reformation. Just curious.

[ktgrok]

My husband is the reason I'm not back at the church either. Sigh. My thought was, can you find a contemporary or youth mass? Often churches will have them at the sunday evening service, with a band or the kids themselves playing/singing the music. That might be closer to what he is used to, and might feel less stilted? Also, they are usually not as crowded.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I'm a revert Catholic. DH is not (he's Catholic in name only). For a while he used to go to Mass with me, and so did the kids. Now I'm the only one going. While I miss my family there, I also feel I get a better experience out of Mass, without having that 'mass' of negative energy next to me. I also know there are many, many women attending Mass on their own. Tis sad, truly. But I'm now fine with it. I pray for all my family, and let the Holy Spirit handle the rest.

[In The Great White North]

You might also try a few different parishes.

[HollyBee]

I have no advice because I would probably feel really uncomfortable in a catholic church as well. It goes completely against my belief system. However, I am curious about something. I noticed you are using MFW RTR. Did you find that hard since MFW is not catholic and this program covers the reformation. Just curious.

 

We're slowpokes, and we haven't gotten to the Reformation yet. I kinda dropped MFW after I realized I was being called back to the Catholic Church. I just haven't updated my siggy. Of course, that's probably b/c I'm floundering around with what to use now!

 

My husband is the reason I'm not back at the church either. Sigh. My thought was, can you find a contemporary or youth mass? Often churches will have them at the sunday evening service, with a band or the kids themselves playing/singing the music. That might be closer to what he is used to, and might feel less stilted? Also, they are usually not as crowded.

 

Yes, I've been thinking about this. We just tend to go to the traditional time that we used to go to in the Southern Baptist church that we attended, since it doesn't require getting up so early. :glare: Of course, that's also the most traditional (with pipe organ, etc.) and most crowded. We need to suck it up and try a different time.

 

I'm a revert Catholic. DH is not (he's Catholic in name only). For a while he used to go to Mass with me, and so did the kids. Now I'm the only one going. While I miss my family there, I also feel I get a better experience out of Mass, without having that 'mass' of negative energy next to me. I also know there are many, many women attending Mass on their own. Tis sad, truly. But I'm now fine with it. I pray for all my family, and let the Holy Spirit handle the rest.

 

Yes, I went to three Masses before I took the family. It's amazing the difference that negative energy makes.

 

You might also try a few different parishes.

 

This past weekend we went to a different church. They didn't seem to like it any better. Here's an interesting thing, though: on Mother's Day, we went back to my hometown and went to Mass at the church where I went growing up, and where my mom's funeral was held. Dd really liked going there! It's a smaller church, and we went to the early Mass, which is the one we always went to with Mom, so it had the guitars etc. for music. Unfortunately, all the churches here are big(ger), but I'm sure there are Masses where they don't use the organ. Honestly, I've noticed that dd always has a negative reaction to the pipe organ, no matter what church it's in.

 

:grouphug: I have no BTDT experience' date=' but in-laws were vehemently opposed to the Catholic Church. It may be really difficult, but I think that if you just keep going as you have been that his heart may change. I'd give him time. I think it's great that you're inviting them and they're choosing to go! :) I think it's important for the family to attend church together. Instead of focusing on how he's behaving or feeling in church, just let yourself get absorbed in the Mass - as much as that can happen with little ones. :) [b'] Pray for him. You never know if what he's hearing and experiencing is making any kind of a change in him, because it doesn't sound like he'd admit to that at this point. When his heart softens, you'll know.[/b]

 

This is what I'm praying and hoping for.

 

Thanks everyone!

[Teachin'Mine]

Then definitely make some calls to the churches in your area and ask them when the youth Mass is, or at what Mass guitars are used instead of the organ. :)

 

There's some great Catholic homeschooling curricula available. It might help your children to learn as it will give more understanding and meaning to the Mass. We use Seton and love how they incorporate the faith into various subjects. You can buy the books separately.

[Mama2Many4]

I don't have any been there done that, but I would say lots and lots of prayer. You know the old saying. You can lead a horse to water.....

[merry gardens]

I wrote a big, long response, but the computer ate it. My ramblings probably weren't very useful anyway.

 

Just give it time and prayers, and then let the Holy Spirit do the work.

[OLG]

I'm the OP of the "how would you answer this objection" thread. I stated somewhere in that thread that the conversation with my friend went much better than the one with my dh.

 

Yeah. That's not going well. AT ALL. He is violently opposed to the Catholic Church. However, he doesn't know anything about it. I asked him to just please keep an open mind, and his answer was that he obviously has an open mind, because he's going to Mass with me. When he goes, he sits there radiating hostility. I told him he doesn't have to go with me, because I don't want him to feel forced, but when I tell him I'm going to Mass, and I don't specifically invite him to come with me, he gets mad. :confused:

 

He says that he doesn't feel a connection, and that it's too ritualistic. He says he gets dirty looks when he doesn't kneel or go up for communion. I personally think he's imagining this because he feels uncomfortable not doing what everyone else is doing, but of course, I can't say this because that would just tick him off. I'm not going up for communion either, since I'm not yet in full communion with the Church, so I'm not leaving them (kids are going too) in the pew alone.

 

Dh had a string of really horrible stepmothers during his childhood, and evidently they took him to Mass on Christmas and Easter, then acted like they were holier-than-thou since they were Catholic and he wasn't. This is what he told me, anyway.

 

He is a big reason I left the Catholic Church in the first place. He went to Mass with me when were were dating in high school (mainly to make my mom happy, because he really liked her), but after she died (my junior year of hs), and my dad wasn't Catholic, it was hard to go against both my dad and my boyfriend. So, being young and in love, and being mad at God for my mom dying when she was so young, I left the church. When we got engaged, there was a niggling in the back of my mind that I should have a priest marry us, but dh (d fiancee) said absolutely no way was he going to Catholic premarital counseling, which was required to have the priest at the ceremony, even at another church (we were married in the United Methodist Church, because my grandfather was a Methodist minister). So again, not being strong in my faith, I didn't pursue it.

 

I don't regret marrying dh. He is a wonderful husband and father, and I'm still giddy in love with him after almost 18 years. I just thought that since he's 18 years older that he might have matured a bit more in this area. I'm a bit flummoxed as to what to do here. He feels very strongly that we should attend church as a family, and that's why he's insisting on going with me. I should say that he has never felt strongly enough about it to take the leadership in finding a church. If I don't pick a church and get everyone up on Sunday morning, it doesn't happen.

 

He's not willing to read anything to learn about the Mass or the beliefs of the Church. Honestly, I think he just wants a feel good experience that doesn't force him to change.

 

Oh, and while ds likes Mass, dd doesn't. However, she's more open to talking about it and learning about it than dh. This past Sunday, she was so grouchy about being there that I told dh to take her out. He almost did, but apparently she decided to stay, because they didn't leave. In the car afterward, he said, "If you keep forcing her to go to Mass, I'm afraid of rebellion down the road." I couldn't believe it. I said, "I am not forcing ANYONE to do anything!" (On Saturday night, I had said to them, "I am going to Mass in the morning. I would love for you all to come with me if you want to, but you don't have to.") A few minutes later (back now to Sunday after church), he told me that I was right, that I hadn't forced them.

 

My gracious, this got long! If you've read this far, thank you. I'm not even sure what I'm asking. Maybe advice, maybe btdt stories, I don't know. I'm discouraged, but at the same time, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I am inhaling books about the faith. I am one that doesn't do conflict well, so this is really hard.

 

Help!

 

Well, I think you are doing everything just fine! The Holy Spirit is at work - let it flow. Your dh and kids are going to Mass w/o you forcing them. So what if it isn't all roses, yet. Give it time. All you can do is grow in your love of God and your faith and let Christ radiate out through you. Be patient. COntinue to get your strength from the Mass and from moving forward in your union with the Church. Pray! And trust in the Lord. turn it all over to Him, too. I don't do conflict well either so I get that but no need to even think about it as conflict if you move forward yourself and simply let them follow. You are doing great!

[milovany]

You might also try a few different parishes.

 

Or perhaps try an Eastern Orthodox church? When we were converting to the ancient faith, we had specific reasons we could not go to a Catholic church (maybe similar to what your husband is thinking about, although we weren't hostile about it by any means) and we found a lovely, peaceful home in Orthodoxy.

[Avila]

First and most importantly, pray. It isn't your job to convince or convert. Give the Holy Spirit room to be the Holy Spirit.

 

I think I would tell your DH that you believe it is important to go to Mass. Would he prefer you to go with him or without him? If he wants to go, you need to find out why he is still so upset when he is there, if possible. I would offer to go to Mass by myself on a day that doesn't interfere with whatever else your family might be doing, like the Saturday evening Mass or the really early Sunday morning one. Then I would make an effort to to something special for him and/or with him after. Maybe he feels a little threatened by this new thing in your life. Show him it isn't threatening. The Church recognizes the sacrament of marriage and doesn't ask you to choose.

 

My guess is that when the newness wears off and he sees your peace, he will come to terms with it.

 

I would also read Rome, Sweet Home if you haven't. Scott Hahn was in the same situation, and it has a happy ending.

 

I will pray for you both.

Edited May 31, 2011 by Asenik

[ktog29]

I would recommend Scott Hahn's book called Rome Sweet Home. It describes his conversion and how it was met with hostility by his wife. Eventually she converted as well.

 

Second, I wonder if you can find a book about the why's of what is happening at Mass. Then your children will understand what's going on and *why*. Anyone have any titles to share?

 

Finally, I wonder if they would enjoy Magnifikid (I gain nothing from this and have only tried the free issues). You can order free samples online. They are little booklets with the Sunday readings in them and the order of the Mass. Does anyone know the target age for these? I'm thinking 8-13?

 

Get to know your priest, especially if you are blessed to have one who is young and/or has a heart for young people. We are blessed to have a local priest who loves to camp with the families, play sports with the kids, etc.

 

You are in a tough spot but God is working. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Or perhaps try an Eastern Orthodox church? When we were converting to the ancient faith, we had specific reasons we could not go to a Catholic church (maybe similar to what your husband is thinking about, although we weren't hostile about it by any means) and we found a lovely, peaceful home in Orthodoxy.

I'd think this would be a fine idea if it wasn't for that pesky fact that our OP is already Catholic and just wants to come home. ;)

[WishboneDawn]

I have no advice because I would probably feel really uncomfortable in a catholic church as well. It goes completely against my belief system. However, I am curious about something. I noticed you are using MFW RTR. Did you find that hard since MFW is not catholic and this program covers the reformation. Just curious.

 

This made me smile. The wording made it seem like the reformation is something Catholics shouldn't know about or might be upset about hearing about. :)

[WishboneDawn]

I think I'd just say something like, "Look dear, I'm not forcing you to go. You;r choosing to be there. If it's making you miserable, don't go. If you think it's important to be there as a family, then be there in a good mood."

 

He's an adult, not a sulky teen. He can handle it.

[WIS0320]

I'd first start praying to St. Monica for her intercession to help you with patience and to pray to the Holy Spirit to soften your husband's heart a bit.

 

I am a convert and I've often said my own mother probably would have been happier if I'd just become a stripper in Vegas. :lol: The anti-Catholicism in my own family is distinct and was a constant in my childhood and boy, did I have a lot of odd ideas about what Catholics believed and how they worshipped until I started reading about it on my own. So, I can empathize with your husband (and a couple people who have posted on this thread) in that their ignorance is not willful, it is a product of their past experiences and extremely casual interactions with Catholicism.

 

Does your husband like to read? I think Frank Sheed's Theology for Beginners is so, so, so, so good and might help him understand Catholic Christianity a bit more. Almost anything Peter Kreeft has written is also worth a look if you think he'll read it.

 

I've been Catholic a while now and my husband (who was raised Buddhist by his parents) remains agnostic though he has softened quite a lot and supports our children being raised Catholic. It was really hard on him for the first year, I changed so much so quickly and I think it must have felt like he was married to a stranger at times. Converting or reverting to an orthodox faith requires an extraordinary amount of adjustment for a spouse just because there are parts of the faith that require personal changes to be made and those affect your partner seriously. My husband said to me once as I was finishing up RCIA, "WHO ARE YOU?" and he was serious. Your husband may be afraid that you are going to change personally and it is going to affect him significantly, and that assumption is really right on target!

 

The fact that your husband is going to Mass (even if he seems angry about it) is actually a good sign that he is trying to understand what you need from your new faith journey. Big hugs to both of you!

[Parrothead]

I have no advice because I would probably feel really uncomfortable in a catholic church as well. It goes completely against my belief system. However, I am curious about something. I noticed you are using MFW RTR. Did you find that hard since MFW is not catholic and this program covers the reformation. Just curious.

This is really bugging me. OP I hope you don't mind the rabbit trail.

 

Michelle, you do realize at the core (I'm assuming you are Christian of one denomination or another from your sig line.) no matter the other differences the Catholic church is a Christian church?

[twoforjoy]

We're kind of in the opposite boat here: DH and I were both raised Catholic, and then both stopped practicing in our late teens. I joined the Episcopal Church in my early 20s and have been a happy Episcopalian ever since; DH had no real interest in organized religion and is agnostic.

 

At this point, he sometimes feels like he'd like to get back as part of a religious community, and he really can't see himself being anything other than Catholic. He has no moral or intellectual or spiritual objects to the Episcopal Church--in many ways he agrees with it more than he does the Catholic Church--but to him the Catholic church is the church, and there's no point in joining anything else. Episcopalians, to him, are just wishy-washy Catholics. ;)

 

I go back and forth. On the one hand I'd really like to worship together as a family and be a part of DH's spiritual journey, and I do enjoy the richness of the Catholic tradition. On the other hand, I love the Episcopal Church and there are issues I have with the Catholic Church that I'm not sure I could just sit with. I think that if it got to the point where DH really, truly decided he was going to return to the RCC and was serious about it becoming a part of his life, I'd probably be willing to return with him, and raise our kids Catholic. But, as it is, I'm definitely the one with more spiritual interest and DH just toys with the idea (although more and more), and it's not something I would initiate.

[mommaduck]

I'd think this would be a fine idea if it wasn't for that pesky fact that our OP is already Catholic and just wants to come home. ;)

 

I nearly posted the same as Milovany, but then what you stated also had crossed my mind. I wonder if there if another type of Catholic church would be better (Eastern Rite, etc)?

 

Hollybee, I agree that you need to also ask that if he insists on going, that he be willing to go with a good attitude instead of hostility or else not go at all. You were Catholic when you married. Regardless of where you were at, he married a Catholic person. I know people don't think ahead, but he needs to realise that this is part of who you are. I confess that I entered the EO still believing something different, but not wanting to divide my family...however, I was a willing partner with a husband that was determined. However, I did set a boundary (we ain't converting to anything else again after this, because I'm dog gone worn out! :tongue_smilie: ). But my husband was willing to compromise for my comfort and asked me "RC or EO...which would you be more comfortable with?" I just happened to feel more comfortable with the one he was leaning more towards. That is why the thought of what Milovany suggested came to mind....and why I'm thinking, "is there an Eastern Rite or some other branch of RC that you can go to?" What are his specific issues with the RC? That might help also. He may not be willing to read about anything, but is he willing to at least discuss (with you simply asking a basic question and then just listening...let him ramble)?

[milovany]

I'd think this would be a fine idea if it wasn't for that pesky fact that our OP is already Catholic and just wants to come home. ;)

 

Yes, true! Maybe I was thinking as a "pit stop" on the way back to the Catholic church; somewhere that doesn't feel quite as ... whatever it feels to the HollyBee's husband; a place to acclimate as it were. I apologize if I offended at all.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is really bugging me. OP I hope you don't mind the rabbit trail.

 

Michelle, you do realize at the core (I'm assuming you are Christian of one denomination or another from your sig line.) no matter the other differences the Catholic church is a Christian church?

 

This seems kind of aggressive as Michelle never questioned whether the RC church is Christian nor implied that it isn't.

[Parrothead]

Yes, true! Maybe I was thinking as a "pit stop" on the way back to the Catholic church; somewhere that doesn't feel quite as ... whatever it feels to the HollyBee's husband; a place to acclimate as it were. I apologize if I offended at all.

No, not at all. :D

[Ohdanigirl]

I've BTDT.

 

One major factor was the Father at mass. Dh enjoyed one much more than another. One was a bit hostile and negative in the way he gave his sermon. I dare say, he is very legalistic. Even I felt like I was getting scolded all the time. It is really the only way I can describe it. At one Mass he even went on an on about how everyone needed to kneel, repeating it loudly over and over again. He didn't seem to want to move on until everyone was kneeling. Dh, really felt singled out, and I can't blame him.

 

The other was younger and tried to really make Mass a fun occasion. He would speak directly to the children and was funny. He also spoke softly. He seemed open to the idea that some people were coming back to the Church and still trying to find their place. He never seemed judgmental. It was a gentler introduction to the church for dh.

 

 

Also, speaking to dh about how it made me feel when he acted hostile really helped. When he realized that it hurt me, he seemed to mellow out a bit. As my children went through Catechism and really came to love their church, dh began to seem better. Now he goes, because he is happy seeing our children take up the donations, read scripture, etc. He still only goes every once in awhile, but it has gotten better.

 

HTH

 

Danielle

Edited May 31, 2011 by USDGAL

[Parrothead]

This seems kind of aggressive as Michelle never questioned whether the RC church is Christian nor implied that it isn't.

I just wondered about the "It goes completely against my belief system."

 

If one is Christian how can a Christian church go totally against one's belief system?

 

Please tell me what I said that was aggressive.

[dangermom]

I just wondered about the "It goes completely against my belief system."

 

That made me wonder too.

[simka2]

My dh was behaving in a similar way when we first started attending an EO church. Like you, dh and I have a really good relationship as a whole. I finally asked him to please find something positive about it or just don't say anything. I was willing to have a conversation, but not if it was just going to be him tearing apart the experience. Since we have a general rule of, "If you do not have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." We also have an understanding that you can communicate your annoyance/displeasure without ever using words. Now, it is perfectly fine to NOT want to go, but in our family if you choose to go you are expected to not use passive agressive tactics to express your displeasure.

 

I hope that made some sense. Again, our relationship is such that we can talk about this very calmly. I might need to let him be annoyed for a bit, but eventually he will realize that he is being somewhat juvenile.

 

I think it is wonderful that he is willing to go. I would definately acknowledge that, but it is also okay to express how his behavior is affecting you. :grouphug:

Edited May 31, 2011 by simka2

[Ohdanigirl]

 

I think it is wonderful that he is willing to go. I would definately acknowledge that, but it is also okay to express of his behavior is affecting you. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Very well said Sinka.

 

Danielle

[Carol in Cal.]

I just wondered about the "It goes completely against my belief system."

 

If one is Christian how can a Christian church go totally against one's belief system?

 

Please tell me what I said that was aggressive.

 

You implied that she doesn't think that Catholics are Christian, which is a pretty sweeping inference from her pretty innocuous question. If your real question is "How does the Catholic church go completely against your belief system?" that's fine and reasonable. But your question made it sound like you were accusing her of not thinking the Catholic church is Christian, which is pretty aggressive since it's not at all what she said.

 

Having said that, I commented on this here because you asked me a direct question, but since it's waaaaaaaaaaay off topic I'm not going to comment on it in this thread again. I respectfully request that if you want me to discuss this further you start another thread.

Edited May 31, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[mommaduck]

*hears banjo music*

[simka2]

*hears banjo music*

 

I am looking for a really good key lime pie recipe. Anyone got one? :D

[mommaduck]

I am looking for a really good key lime pie recipe. Anyone got one? :D

 

Yuck, don't like lime...want to debate it? :p

[Giraffe]

A completely different idea - one I'm lifting from Scott Hahn if I recall correctly. Why don't you go to Mass early Sunday or even Saturday night and tell DH he's in charge of finding a protestant church that you all will attend as a family at the "regular" time Sunday morning? Of course everyone is still invited to attend with you at the other time, but if DH is insisting everyone go to church as a family, put him in charge of finding the church. Then, you still get your mass and he is on the spot for taking charge of "family church".

 

Just a thought.

[Giraffe]

I hear dueling banjos balancing lemon pie AND key lime!

[simka2]

I hear dueling banjos balancing lemon pie AND key lime!

 

I guess I could go with lemon :001_smile:. I just want something easy and pretty!!!

 

Sorry, OP....I think we are trying to hijack in an attempt to save your thread!

[mommaduck]

I guess I could go with lemon :001_smile:. I just want something easy and pretty!!!

 

Sorry, OP....I think we are trying to hijack in an attempt to save your thread!

 

Yep, it was a bean dip move.

 

Oh LOOK! It's a kilt! :lol:

[HollyBee]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm going to quote a few, though not all:

 

Well, I think you are doing everything just fine! The Holy Spirit is at work - let it flow. Your dh and kids are going to Mass w/o you forcing them. So what if it isn't all roses, yet. Give it time. All you can do is grow in your love of God and your faith and let Christ radiate out through you. Be patient. COntinue to get your strength from the Mass and from moving forward in your union with the Church. Pray! And trust in the Lord. turn it all over to Him, too. I don't do conflict well either so I get that but no need to even think about it as conflict if you move forward yourself and simply let them follow. You are doing great!

 

Thank you.

 

First and most importantly, pray. It isn't your job to convince or convert. Give the Holy Spirit room to be the Holy Spirit.

 

I think I would tell your DH that you believe it is important to go to Mass. Would he prefer you to go with him or without him? If he wants to go, you need to find out why he is still so upset when he is there, if possible. I would offer to go to Mass by myself on a day that doesn't interfere with whatever else your family might be doing, like the Saturday evening Mass or the really early Sunday morning one. Then I would make an effort to to something special for him and/or with him after. Maybe he feels a little threatened by this new thing in your life. Show him it isn't threatening. The Church recognizes the sacrament of marriage and doesn't ask you to choose.

 

My guess is that when the newness wears off and he sees your peace, he will come to terms with it.

 

I would also read Rome, Sweet Home if you haven't. Scott Hahn was in the same situation, and it has a happy ending.

 

I will pray for you both.

 

Thank you. You are right. I have read Rome, Sweet Home, and I thought it was excellent. I wish dh would read it, but alas. Not going to happen, at least, not right now.

 

Or perhaps try an Eastern Orthodox church? When we were converting to the ancient faith, we had specific reasons we could not go to a Catholic church (maybe similar to what your husband is thinking about, although we weren't hostile about it by any means) and we found a lovely, peaceful home in Orthodoxy.

 

I'd think this would be a fine idea if it wasn't for that pesky fact that our OP is already Catholic and just wants to come home. ;)

 

Yes, I appreciate the thought. If I weren't already Catholic, I would consider this. I do just want to go back to the CC. No offense taken at all.

 

Finally, I wonder if they would enjoy Magnifikid (I gain nothing from this and have only tried the free issues). You can order free samples online. They are little booklets with the Sunday readings in them and the order of the Mass. Does anyone know the target age for these? I'm thinking 8-13?

 

You are in a tough spot but God is working. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I got the free issues of Magnifikid, and they were really great. I'm going to order a subscription for the kids. Dh did comment when he saw one of the free issues that it would probably be helpful for him. I guess that's a positive step!

 

I'd first start praying to St. Monica for her intercession to help you with patience and to pray to the Holy Spirit to soften your husband's heart a bit.

 

I am a convert and I've often said my own mother probably would have been happier if I'd just become a stripper in Vegas. :lol: The anti-Catholicism in my own family is distinct and was a constant in my childhood and boy, did I have a lot of odd ideas about what Catholics believed and how they worshipped until I started reading about it on my own. So, I can empathize with your husband (and a couple people who have posted on this thread) in that their ignorance is not willful, it is a product of their past experiences and extremely casual interactions with Catholicism.

 

Does your husband like to read? I think Frank Sheed's Theology for Beginners is so, so, so, so good and might help him understand Catholic Christianity a bit more. Almost anything Peter Kreeft has written is also worth a look if you think he'll read it.

 

I've been Catholic a while now and my husband (who was raised Buddhist by his parents) remains agnostic though he has softened quite a lot and supports our children being raised Catholic. It was really hard on him for the first year, I changed so much so quickly and I think it must have felt like he was married to a stranger at times. Converting or reverting to an orthodox faith requires an extraordinary amount of adjustment for a spouse just because there are parts of the faith that require personal changes to be made and those affect your partner seriously. My husband said to me once as I was finishing up RCIA, "WHO ARE YOU?" and he was serious. Your husband may be afraid that you are going to change personally and it is going to affect him significantly, and that assumption is really right on target!

 

The fact that your husband is going to Mass (even if he seems angry about it) is actually a good sign that he is trying to understand what you need from your new faith journey. Big hugs to both of you!

 

Thank you for sharing. Your comment about the Vegas stripper thing had me LOL (we're going to Vegas in a couple of weeks)! Unfortunately, he won't read anything right now. But I appreciate the encouragement.

 

I nearly posted the same as Milovany, but then what you stated also had crossed my mind. I wonder if there if another type of Catholic church would be better (Eastern Rite, etc)?

 

Hollybee, I agree that you need to also ask that if he insists on going, that he be willing to go with a good attitude instead of hostility or else not go at all. You were Catholic when you married. Regardless of where you were at, he married a Catholic person. I know people don't think ahead, but he needs to realise that this is part of who you are. I confess that I entered the EO still believing something different, but not wanting to divide my family...however, I was a willing partner with a husband that was determined. However, I did set a boundary (we ain't converting to anything else again after this, because I'm dog gone worn out! :tongue_smilie: ). But my husband was willing to compromise for my comfort and asked me "RC or EO...which would you be more comfortable with?" I just happened to feel more comfortable with the one he was leaning more towards. That is why the thought of what Milovany suggested came to mind....and why I'm thinking, "is there an Eastern Rite or some other branch of RC that you can go to?" What are his specific issues with the RC? That might help also. He may not be willing to read about anything, but is he willing to at least discuss (with you simply asking a basic question and then just listening...let him ramble)?

 

Yeah, I don't think he ever thought I'd want to go back to the Catholic church. I think he thought that was all in the past. This is probably a huge shock for him.

 

I've BTDT.

 

 

Also, speaking to dh about how it made me feel when he acted hostile really helped. When he realized that it hurt me, he seemed to mellow out a bit. As my children went through Catechism and really came to love their church, dh began to seem better. Now he goes, because he is happy seeing our children take up the donations, read scripture, etc. He still only goes every once in awhile, but it has gotten better.

Danielle

 

My dh was behaving in a similar way when we first started attending an EO church. Like you, dh and I have a really good relationship as a whole. I finally asked him to please find something positive about it or just don't say anything. I was willing to have a conversation, but not if it was just going to be him tearing apart the experience. Since we have a general rule of, "If you do not have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." We also have an understanding that you can communicate your annoyance/displeasure without ever using words. Now, it is perfectly fine to NOT want to go, but in our family if you choose to go you are expected to not use passive agressive tactics to express your displeasure.

 

I hope that made some sense. Again, our relationship is such that we can talk about this very calmly. I might need to let him be annoyed for a bit, but eventually he will realize that he is being somewhat juvenile.

 

I think it is wonderful that he is willing to go. I would definately acknowledge that, but it is also okay to express how his behavior is affecting you. :grouphug:

 

Thanks to both of you; very good advice.

 

A completely different idea - one I'm lifting from Scott Hahn if I recall correctly. Why don't you go to Mass early Sunday or even Saturday night and tell DH he's in charge of finding a protestant church that you all will attend as a family at the "regular" time Sunday morning? Of course everyone is still invited to attend with you at the other time, but if DH is insisting everyone go to church as a family, put him in charge of finding the church. Then, you still get your mass and he is on the spot for taking charge of "family church".

 

Just a thought.

 

I've mentioned this idea, and he didn't think much of it. I'm not sure why. I might try it again.

 

Yep, it was a bean dip move.

 

Oh LOOK! It's a kilt! :lol:

 

I'm humbled. Kilts in a thread I started. :lol:

[Michelle My Bell]

This made me smile. The wording made it seem like the reformation is something Catholics shouldn't know about or might be upset about hearing about. :)

 

No, I didn't think they shouldn't know about it. I am just aware of MFW take on it and I figured it wouldn't be a good fit for a catholic person.

[Michelle My Bell]

This is really bugging me. OP I hope you don't mind the rabbit trail.

 

Michelle, you do realize at the core (I'm assuming you are Christian of one denomination or another from your sig line.) no matter the other differences the Catholic church is a Christian church?

 

I apologize for the wording. Yes, I am well aware that the Catholic church is considered a Christian Church, as are Mormons and some others. I guess my bias came out and I spoke without enough thought. I remove the "goes completely against what I believe" comment and change that to "much of what the catholic church teaches/believes is contrary to what I believe the Bible teaches".

 

My dad's side of the family are all catholic and my sister is a practicing catholic. My husband used to be a Pastor, holds a Master of Theology degree and I have studied many religions and denominations. My own belief system is Reformed Baptist and I believe that to be the truth (or I wouldn't believe it would I? LOL). Anyhow, there are many differences from what I believe and what the catholic church teaches and that is what I meant.

 

I will say that over the years, I have been intrigued by the devout catholics I have met in real life and online and have been drawn in by their devotion. What holds me back from that branch of Christianity is not their lifestyle, but their belief system.

[Parrothead]

You implied that she doesn't think that Catholics are Christian, which is a pretty sweeping inference from her pretty innocuous question. If your real question is "How does the Catholic church go completely against your belief system?" that's fine and reasonable. But your question made it sound like you were accusing her of not thinking the Catholic church is Christian, which is pretty aggressive since it's not at all what she said.

 

Having said that, I commented on this here because you asked me a direct question, but since it's waaaaaaaaaaay off topic I'm not going to comment on it in this thread again. I respectfully request that if you want me to discuss this further you start another thread.

Really, do we have to do this?

[Parrothead]

I apologize for the wording. Yes, I am well aware that the Catholic church is considered a Christian Church, as are Mormons and some others. I guess my bias came out and I spoke without enough thought. I remove the "goes completely against what I believe" comment and change that to "much of what the catholic church teaches/believes is contrary to what I believe the Bible teaches".

 

My dad's side of the family are all catholic and my sister is a practicing catholic. My husband used to be a Pastor, holds a Master of Theology degree and I have studied many religions and denominations. My own belief system is Reformed Baptist and I believe that to be the truth (or I wouldn't believe it would I? LOL). Anyhow, there are many differences from what I believe and what the catholic church teaches and that is what I meant.

 

I will say that over the years, I have been intrigued by the devout catholics I have met in real life and online and have been drawn in by their devotion. What holds me back from that branch of Christianity is not their lifestyle, but their belief system.

Thank you for taking the time to help me understand what you meant. I suppose what you mean by "belief system" has to do with the various prayers and the ritual/liturgical style?

[Michelle My Bell]

Thank you for taking the time to help me understand what you meant. I suppose what you mean by "belief system" has to do with the various prayers and the ritual/liturgical style?

 

Yes, and more honestly. I don't want to steal space here sharing my personal belief system. Also, do you really want to know what I don't believe or like about it? Probably not. I believe everyone has the right of freedom to choose what they believe even if I don't agree with it.

[Teachin'Mine]

To the OP, if your husband hasn't shown interest in going to a Protestant service, then he may actually be more interested in what's going on at Mass than he lets on. It sounds like he has some old hurts which he may be working through in his own way. Give him time. Give the Holy Spirit time to work in him. Praying for all of you. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Yes, and more honestly. I don't want to steal space here sharing my personal belief system. Also, do you really want to know what I don't believe or like about it? Probably not. I believe everyone has the right of freedom to choose what they believe even if I don't agree with it.

To be honest I would like to know both points. You can PM me if you feel like sharing. Or even start a new thread.

 

I also want to be clear that I never ever said anything that opposes the bolded statement.

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug:

Keep praying, and take it slow. Also, is there a local college with a more informal Catholic mass that might be less difficult for DH? :grouphug:

[missiemick]

Early in our marriage when my husband wasn't exactly thrilled to go to church (now he's a strong believer/head of our household kind of guy -- just took a while) I would make sure that after church we would spend some adult time together :blush: He had a very positive experience with church after that :001_smile:

Just a thought.

Edited May 31, 2011 by missiemick

[justamouse]

Early in our marriage when my husband wasn't exactly thrilled to go to church (now he's a strong believer/head of our household kind of guy -- just took a while) I would make sure that after church we would spend some adult time together :blush: He had a very positive experience with church after that :001_smile:

Just a thought.

 

 

:lol::lol:

 

that's hysterical

[Ellie]

Here are two Catholic forums that are very helpful (if you need more than the good advice you're getting here :001_smile:):

 

Defenders of the Catholic Faith

 

The Coming Home Network

[WishboneDawn]

Early in our marriage when my husband wasn't exactly thrilled to go to church (now he's a strong believer/head of our household kind of guy -- just took a while) I would make sure that after church we would spend some adult time together :blush: He had a very positive experience with church after that :001_smile:

Just a thought.

 

Now that's evangelism! :lol: