Needing perspective on a birth family situation

[Barb_]

My oldest daughter has a different birth dad than her siblings. My husband and I met when she was a baby and married not long afterward. He adopted her soon after that and although Meghan has always known her background story, she is our oldest and her only dad is my husband. She has only seen my ex 4 times; when she was a baby, when she was 8, at his dad's funeral 3 years ago, and at his brother's wedding today.

 

My ex lived next door to my best friend when we were in middle and high school so I've known his family for a long time and we're very close. Meghan is the oldest grandchild on that side and she is very loved; but more than that my other children have always been treated as blood relations by his parents, which makes her bio-dad's actions so hard to understand. He wanted me to give her up for adoption when I was pregnant, which is understandable for a 23yo college student, but you'd think after 20+ years he'd come to terms with things. He's been married for a while now and has two kids. They're around 12 and 8? I don't remember exactly. Those kids have never been told they have a half sister. Oh, they met her during the funeral week and they hit it off great, but no one ever said, "Oh BTW, this is your SISTER".

 

So Meghan called me crying tonight. Her bio-dad is awkward and avoiding her. The rest of the large extended family think she's wonderful and don't seem to know or care how weird he's being...they insisted she stand up for the family pictures. She said the kids looked at her funny, surely wondering how she fit in. She is really hurting and feeling confused, rejected, and just pissed. She doesn't really care about him, but she is really upset that the kids have never been told about her. I think it's time he's confronted. She is tired of their denying her existence. She wants to know her siblings and develop a relationship with them. I think she has a right to. I think her wishes trump theirs at this point. But I admit my judgment is cloudy right now.

 

Should she confront them and insist the kids be told? She she tell the kids? Should I get involved? Please be gentle :)

 

Barb

[cindergretta]

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your daughter. That really stinks. :(

 

I don't have any advice. Sorry. But I am sorry she has been put in such a lousy spot. That is crummy. (Actually, it is words that won't pass the censor.)

[MorganClassicalPrep]

No real advice, just :grouphug:, especially for your daughter.

This is a situation I fear we will be in someday, since DD's father and his mother are the only two members of their family that DON'T acknowledge DD as part of the family.

[Barb_]

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your daughter. That really stinks. :(

 

I don't have any advice. Sorry. But I am sorry she has been put in such a lousy spot. That is crummy. (Actually, it is words that won't pass the censor.)

 

Yeah, he's really being a doofus. She let it slide three years ago because it was his dad's funeral and she figured he was grieving and confused. And the kids were younger. Pretty sad when the 18yo is the considerate and mature one. But now it's three years later, it's a wedding, and they still. don't. know.

 

Barb

[SonshineLearner]

I think just letting the bio-dad know that she'll be letting them know she's their bio-sister and would like a relationship with them... next time she sees them is fair. I have to tell you... this is said... but to not have my daughter's bio dad's influence would have some nice things.... OF course... rejection is not good either!! :(

 

Sorry you all are dealing with this... :(

[Barb_]

No real advice, just :grouphug:, especially for your daughter.

This is a situation I fear we will be in someday, since DD's father and his mother are the only two members of their family that DON'T acknowledge DD as part of the family.

 

Yeah, you know I always thought he'd grow up and come around eventually. I really hope your situation is better. :grouphug:

[cindergretta]

Is he trying to hide from his "new" children that he is actually a deadbeat dad?? I mean, it is really hard to explain his behaviour in any way that is even slightly Ok... :glare:

[silliness7]

:grouphug::grouphug: Hugs to your dd. That sounds awful for her.

 

If I understand correctly your dd has seen her bio-dad 4 times her entire life but is very close as are you and her half-siblings with bio-dad's parents, her grandparents.

 

What do they think of the weirdness? It's kind of weird that they pushed her into a family picture because of her connection when not everyone knew the connection. I wonder what the story is there.

 

But that aside, I guess the question is, would it be appropriate for your dd to say to herr half-siblings, "hey I'm your sister"? I have no idea.

 

Part of me says yes, but..

 

I wonder if she shouldn't go to her bio-dad and tell him that she would like to introduce herself to her siblings as their sister and would he like to tell them first or let her blurt it out? Does his wife even know? I don't think it's right that he's kept it a secret. But I think she should give him a heads-up on what her intentions are so that he can prepare his wife or children ahead of time if he feels it's necessary.

 

I don't know. I could be totally wrong. That's a tough one. Your poor dd.

Edited May 8, 2011 by silliness7

[specialmama]

:grouphug: to you and your dd. My cousin was put in a very similar situation. My advice to him was that he was now an adult, and if he felt he ought to share/approach/develop relationships, then I'd stand by him. He, like your dd, did not ask to be put in this situation; it just is what it is. He, like your dd, has a right to know siblings. She's 21, right? If I were you I'd just hug her and tell her that you support her no matter what she decides. :grouphug:

[Barb_]

I think just letting the bio-dad know that she'll be letting them know she's their bio-sister and would like a relationship with them... next time she sees them is fair. I have to tell you... this is said... but to not have my daughter's bio dad's influence would have some nice things.... OF course... rejection is not good either!! :(

 

Sorry you all are dealing with this... :(

 

Oh you're right, I know I'm very fortunate that I got to keep his family without his involvement all these years. It was never a problem before. My daughter is actually really surprised at how upset she is by this. She said she didn't care in the least when she was growing up, so it's throwing her for a loop that it bothers her so much now.

 

Barb

[OrganicAnn]

Could you consult with his parents? Tell them that your DD is feeling weird that she has these half siblings and can't get to know.

 

If his kids were older like around 17ish, I say that she could tell them, but at 8/12 ish I would probably not tell them.

 

But really it is a difficult situation. I'm sorry for your DD.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Yeah, you know I always thought he'd grow up and come around eventually. I really hope your situation is better. :grouphug:

 

This is kind of the mind-set I've been in... DDs father has made comments to people we know mutually about "never having kids" because he enjoys his freedom, etc.etc. :001_huh: Uhm.... really? Because.... she's 5. (And yes, these comments are recent)

 

I do hope things work out for your DD. It's sad that she is being denied a relationship with her siblings.

[Barb_]

:grouphug::grouphug: Hugs to your dd. That sounds awful for her.

 

If I understand correctly your dd has seen her bio-dad 4 times her entire life but is very close as are you and her half-siblings with bio-dad's parents, her grandparents.

 

What do they think of the weirdness? It's kind of weird that they pushed her into a family picture because of her connection when not everyone knew the connection. I wonder what the story is there.

 

But that aside, I guess the question is, would it be appropriate for your dd to say to your half-siblings, hey I'm your sister? I have no idea.

 

Part of me says yes, but..

 

I wonder if she shouldn't go to her bio-dad and tell him that she would like to introduce herself to her siblings as their sister and would he like to tell them first or let her blurt it out? Does his wife even know? I don't think it's right that he's kept it a secret. But I think she should give him a heads-up on what her intentions are so that he can prepare his wife or children ahead of time if he feels it's necessary.

 

I don't know. I could be totally wrong. That's a tough one. Your poor dd.

 

His mom and dad (now deceased) are very close to her and to my husband, to me and the rest of our kids. They have flown out to visit us through the years almost as often as my own parents have. We've stayed with them quite a bit as well. They are family. His brother and sister live in different states, but they love Meghan too. She is at the brother's wedding this weekend (I am not there because it's to expensive for all of us to fly back east, but we were extended a verbal invitation). His mom would LOVE for the whole family to just be family but her relationship with her son is historically fraught with baggage, hurt feelings, personality differences, etc. She is afraid of misstepping and alienating herself from his family, I think. I sense the whole family thinks he's being stupid and are holding their breath waiting for Meghan to say something.

 

His wife knows. She is actually quite warm and open when she talks to my daughter, but I do know they are both on board with keeping their kids in the dark. What if she were to say something like, "Here is what I plan to do, but I thought I'd give you the opportunity to handle it first."

[Barb_]

Could you consult with his parents? Tell them that your DD is feeling weird that she has these half siblings and can't get to know.

 

If his kids were older like around 17ish, I say that she could tell them, but at 8/12 ish I would probably not tell them.

 

But really it is a difficult situation. I'm sorry for your DD.

 

What about the 12yo? He's almost 13. I bet he's already worked it out for himself this weekend. The kid is far from stupid and she looks so much like his dad. Well, and she was in the family wedding photos, LOL

[Barb_]

She's 21, right? If I were you I'd just hug her and tell her that you support her no matter what she decides. :grouphug:

 

Yeah, and she has hung back since she met the kids three years ago out of respect for their, well, littleness. And now she is feeling embarrassed like somehow she is the cause of the problem. Ugh...I don't know why none of us anticipated this. I feel so dumb.

 

Barb

[Barb_]

Is he trying to hide from his "new" children that he is actually a deadbeat dad?? I mean, it is really hard to explain his behaviour in any way that is even slightly Ok... :glare:

 

I don't know. I let him off the hook back then because I wasn't of the mindset that I could force him to be a dad. He was the Ignore It And It Will Go Away type. Apparently he still is. I'm madder at him now than I was then because he's 44. He should be a grownup by now.

[SonshineLearner]

How about "Hi Dad" when she sees him next? That would be well.. more than he deserves... but out in the open!! :)

[kalanamak]

Yeah, he's really being a doofus. She let it slide three years ago because it was his dad's funeral and she figured he was grieving and confused. And the kids were younger. Pretty sad when the 18yo is the considerate and mature one. But now it's three years later, it's a wedding, and they still. don't. know.

 

Barb

 

Can she talk to the 1/2 sib's mother? I would not go against minor's parent's wishes and "blab". Once they are of age, I would contact them, but not while they are minors.

 

I know it is a stupid situation, but in my mind, I would cope with the old "at least it isn't cancer". But I tend to cope that way, and I know many don't. It sounds trite, but works for many.

 

:grouphug:

[Barb_]

How about "Hi Dad" when she sees him next? That would be well.. more than he deserves... but out in the open!! :)

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: She would never do this in a million years, but I just love the justice in it!

[silliness7]

His mom and dad (now deceased) are very close to her and to my husband, to me and the rest of our kids. They have flown out to visit us through the years almost as often as my own parents have. We've stayed with them quite a bit as well. They are family. His brother and sister live in different states, but they love Meghan too. She is at the brother's wedding this weekend (I am not there because it's to expensive for all of us to fly back east, but we were extended a verbal invitation). His mom would LOVE for the whole family to just be family but her relationship with her son is historically fraught with baggage, hurt feelings, personality differences, etc. She is afraid of misstepping and alienating herself from his family, I think. I sense the whole family thinks he's being stupid and are holding their breath waiting for Meghan to say something.

 

His wife knows. She is actually quite warm and open when she talks to my daughter, but I do know they are both on board with keeping their kids in the dark. What if she were to say something like, "Here is what I plan to do, but I thought I'd give you the opportunity to handle it first."

 

That sounds good to me.

 

What does she call him when she sees him?

 

Not dad, of course, because your dh is her dad and because then everyone would know. Uncle so and so? Or maybe just nothing. I'm guessing she's hanging out with g-ma at these things (funeral, wedding). Oh what a pickle.

[kalanamak]

His mom and dad (now deceased) are very close to her and to my husband, to me and the rest of our kids. They have flown out to visit us through the years almost as often as my own parents have. We've stayed with them quite a bit as well. They are family. His brother and sister live in different states, but they love Meghan too. "

 

Hmmmm. I think those kids will figure it out on their own, at this rate. :001_smile:

[Barb_]

Can she talk to the 1/2 sib's mother? I would not go against minor's parent's wishes and "blab". Once they are of age, I would contact them, but not while they are minors.

 

I appreciate your disagreement because it helps me to think things through. Okay. Is there a difference between contacting someone you don't know at all, or sharing information with someone you are already familiar with? They think she is a distant cousin, I believe.

 

Barb

[kalanamak]

I appreciate your disagreement because it helps me to think things through. Okay. Is there a difference between contacting someone you don't know at all, or sharing information with someone you are already familiar with? They think she is a distant cousin, I believe.

 

Barb

 

We often discuss how we, here, want to control what we expose our children to. If I didn't want someone telling my 12 year old something of this magnitude, I would be LIVID if they did. If someone showed up here posting a "you'll never guess what my husband's daughter told my son" we would be full of hugs and vents. Just something to think about.

 

If she's on good terms with the majority, I wouldn't risk stirring up a kerfuffle. There could be "blowback".

[Barb_]

That sounds good to me.

 

What does she call him when she sees him?

 

Not dad, of course, because your dh is her dad and because then everyone would know. Uncle so and so? Or maybe just nothing. I'm guessing she's hanging out with g-ma at these things (funeral, wedding). Oh what a pickle.

 

Just by his first name. She and her sister (Jenna) actually stayed at their house a couple of years ago! I forgot about that! Her grandma was taking the girls to Disney World less than a year after the funeral and they flew into an airport close to the house. Grandma really wants the siblings to get to know one another, so she told them they'd be spending the night before heading to Disney. I'm pretty sure she thought it would slide since it was so soon after her husband's passing.

[Barb_]

We often discuss how we, here, want to control what we expose our children to. If I didn't want someone telling my 12 year old something of this magnitude, I would be LIVID if they did. If someone showed up here posting a "you'll never guess what my husband's daughter told my son" we would be full of hugs and vents. Just something to think about.

 

If she's on good terms with the majority, I wouldn't risk stirring up a kerfuffle. There could be "blowback".

 

Okay, that's fair. Then again, I'd probably be the one saying, "Your husband had a responsibility to deal with this and these are the consequences." I really would be. I think what you're saying makes sense if someone not directly involved spilled the beans, but this affects her and her siblings more than anyone else and they are the innocent ones. The parents are doing the lying. But on the flip side, you could be right about the blowback. Good word for it. I wouldn't want them to hate her for telling them.

 

Barb

 

ETA: Thanks all. Going to sleep on it. Hoping the rest of the wedding went well.

[justasque]

I think you might want to discuss with dd's dad that while *she* is not going to just blurt it out and tell the kids, it *will* come up eventually, in some context or another, and many people know (grandma, aunts, uncles, etc.), so the kids may find out inadvertently. (Some folks might even assume the kids already know, and say something that tips them off.) Thus, he may want to tell them now, rather than wait until someone else does.

[dangermom]

I found out at age 36 that I have a half-brother I didn't know about (he was given up for adoption, is now in touch). I wish my dad had told me when I was, say, 16, but my mom wouldn't allow it until we were all adults--and my youngest sister is a lot younger than I am. Goodness knows why, oh well.

 

However, I don't think it would be cool to tell the kids without the parents' permission until they're older. I do think you should bring it up with the mom and dad, though; the kids should know, it's just that the parents really should be on board.

[snickelfritz]

If she wants to develop a relationship with the siblings, she needs to play by the rules. Going against the parent's wishes to do what SHE thinks best is not the way to convince them that a relationship is good for their children.

 

I (you, she, grandparents, aunts, uncles) may not agree with how bio-dad handled things, but parents get to decide. Is she willing to risk having all contact cut off, until the kids are adults, by making the parents mad? Not saying that WOULD happen. But, it COULD. Legally.

 

I say all this NOT to be hard on your dd. I can't imagine being in her situation. But, I have tapdanced around a relationship with a minor child that had no legal standing. So, there was a certain amount of "don't make the parent's mad" that went on.

[Mom0012]

:grouphug: to you and your daughter. I think your daughter has every right to say something, but forcing this issue may give her the opposite result from what she wants. I'd be concerned her bio-dad and his wife would be so upset they would cut her out and make sure other family members did too. Unless you are sure that won't happen, I would not have her tell her bio-dad that she is going to tell the other kids.

 

On the other hand, it really sounds like an unbearable situation and, personally, I would not want any contact with this man if he were my father. Too painful!

 

Lisa

[MelanieM]

Wow, that's a tough situation! Maybe she could write him a letter and let him know that the situation was awkward, that she sensed some curiosity from them, and that if they ask her she's not going to lie to them. Then she can express her desire to have a relationship with them and her wish to have their father explain the relationship so that it's possible.

 

I do think she needs to think through the consequences of any action she takes. If she tries to reach out and the parents don't want that to happen, they could decide to keep the kids away from her altogether to avoid the situation.

 

Big hugs for her. She sounds like a sweet young woman, and this can't be easy for her.

[Osmosis Mom]

I guess I don't understand why she is in this situation. If the bio-dad does not acknowledge her why has she been going to the grandparents and interacting with part of the family, but not the father? I just don't get why as a mother with full custody -and a loving dad at home- you'd have put her in this situation all these years? That's just humiliating and sending the message that she is only good enough if her dad acknowledges her and includes her in his life.

 

And if the wife of the father cannot see what is happening, well, enough. Keep her dignity. Who cares if the grandparents are loving if their own son is rude and irresponsible?

 

Sorry, but I think she needs to move on with her loving, real family.

[MelanieM]

I guess I don't understand why she is in this situation. If the bio-dad does not acknowledge her why has she been going to the grandparents and interacting with part of the family, but not the father? I just don't get why as a mother with full custody -and a loving dad at home- you'd have put her in this situation all these years? That's just humiliating and sending the message that she is only good enough if her dad acknowledges her and includes her in his life.

 

</p>

As someone who grew up in a split family with a father who wasn't always present, I am pretty thankful that my mother still encouraged a relationship with my amazing grandmother and extended family and that I didn't also miss out on those relationships.

 

As an Auntie to two beautiful girls with a father (my brother) who has not always been present, I'm very thankful that their mothers didn't also cut the rest of us out of the girls lives and that we were able to build relationships with them ourselves.

 

I don't think that it's ever possible that kids are worse off for having *more* people in their lives that love them. And I think the OP sounds like a pretty awesome Mom for ensuring that her daughter got to experience this through her extended family.

[Heather in Neverland]

If she wants to develop a relationship with the siblings, she needs to play by the rules. Going against the parent's wishes to do what SHE thinks best is not the way to convince them that a relationship is good for their children.

 

I (you, she, grandparents, aunts, uncles) may not agree with how bio-dad handled things, but parents get to decide. Is she willing to risk having all contact cut off, until the kids are adults, by making the parents mad? Not saying that WOULD happen. But, it COULD. Legally.

 

I say all this NOT to be hard on your dd. I can't imagine being in her situation. But, I have tapdanced around a relationship with a minor child that had no legal standing. So, there was a certain amount of "don't make the parent's mad" that went on.

 

:iagree: and I WAS in your daughter's situation. My mom had me before she met my dad. They married when I was a baby and he adopted me. I met my bio father once when I was 16yo. I wanted to get to know him, build a relationship, etc. He was married and had two young children.

 

When his wife found out that I wanted more of a relationship with my bio dad and my half siblings she FREAKED OUT. It got very ugly. Rather than push the issue and make it uglier, I walked away. I realized that I already had a dad and siblings and a great family.

 

He was not my dad. Anybody can donate sperm. He wasn't the one who hugged me when I cried or helped me when I was hurt or taught me to ride a bike. He was just some guy that got my mom pregnant. Big deal.

 

I hope your daughter can get through this emotionally. It has made me stronger to realize that shared DNA means next to nothing when it comes to who loves you. :grouphug::grouphug:

[nd293]

If she's on good terms with the majority, I wouldn't risk stirring up a kerfuffle. There could be "blowback".

 

That would be my concern for your daughter - that your ex and his wife might be so angered that they then exert pressure on the rest of the family to choose between them and your daughter.

 

But there's no reason she can't talk to your ex and his wife about the situation. Perhaps they are concerned that she would bad-mouth her bio father to his kids, or that his other kids would think badly of him? Could she emphasise that this is not the case, that she is happy with how the situation has been handled so far (even if this is not really the case)?

 

</p>

I don't think that it's ever possible that kids are worse off for having *more* people in their lives that love them. And I think the OP sounds like a pretty awesome Mom for ensuring that her daughter got to experience this through her extended family.

 

I have to agree. My contact with my father was haphazard for the second half of my childhood, but I am very glad that my mother kept on good terms with his extended family (better terms than he did). Although I only saw them a few times, I am very, very glad I have those memories.

Edited May 8, 2011 by nd293

[Denisemomof4]

His mom and dad (now deceased) are very close to her and to my husband, to me and the rest of our kids. They have flown out to visit us through the years almost as often as my own parents have. We've stayed with them quite a bit as well. They are family. His brother and sister live in different states, but they love Meghan too. She is at the brother's wedding this weekend (I am not there because it's to expensive for all of us to fly back east, but we were extended a verbal invitation). His mom would LOVE for the whole family to just be family but her relationship with her son is historically fraught with baggage, hurt feelings, personality differences, etc. She is afraid of misstepping and alienating herself from his family, I think. I sense the whole family thinks he's being stupid and are holding their breath waiting for Meghan to say something.

 

His wife knows. She is actually quite warm and open when she talks to my daughter, but I do know they are both on board with keeping their kids in the dark. What if she were to say something like, "Here is what I plan to do, but I thought I'd give you the opportunity to handle it first."

 

What a sad situation for your dd. I agree that you all are so lucky to have his family so loving and involved. Do you think that's the root of all his problems with them? If so - oh well. Suck it up and act like a man. Your dd needs to be the priority now.

 

I don't know what the right thing is to do. I just think your ex is being so unfair by depriving her a relationship with her half brother and sister. I think one day they will be upset they never knew sooner.

[Starr]

How awkward, your husband adopted her as a baby and bio dad is in trouble for not being a good father. I follow your concerns but she's not really their sister. She has the extended family love and the extended family mess. :grouphug:

[texasmama]

:grouphug: Haven't read the other replies, but I would not advise that your dd confront the kids and tell them that she is their sister. If this were my dd, I would take her to counseling, where she can work through some of her feelings about the rejection of her biological father, which is clearly about him and not her. I'm sure she is a wonderful girl. Regardless of your dh's involvement, love, care, etc. in her life, this man is still her biological father, and this is still a huge rejection. It screams "I didn't want you then. I don't want you now." This is something that most people, particularly a young person like your dd, would need help (professional) to process. So I wouldn't do anything before I got her some supportive counseling. If the sibs were adults, I would advise differently...but they are children trying to have a childhood and this man is their father. I don't think anything is gained by causing further turmoil for two more kids.:grouphug:

[texasmama]

I guess I don't understand why she is in this situation. If the bio-dad does not acknowledge her why has she been going to the grandparents and interacting with part of the family, but not the father? I just don't get why as a mother with full custody -and a loving dad at home- you'd have put her in this situation all these years? That's just humiliating and sending the message that she is only good enough if her dad acknowledges her and includes her in his life.

 

And if the wife of the father cannot see what is happening, well, enough. Keep her dignity. Who cares if the grandparents are loving if their own son is rude and irresponsible?

 

Sorry, but I think she needs to move on with her loving, real family.

 

This would be depriving her of what can be salvaged out of this situation. No one ever really "moves on" from something like this. It is possible to deal with the feelings, learn that other people's actions (bio dad) don't reflect on your worth as a person, etc...but no one can change the facts. This young lady has an adopted AND a biological father. Her grandparents were a positive force in her life. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

[Haiku]

She she tell the kids?

 

No. No matter how ridiculous and awful her bio dad is being, those are his kids and he gets to make the decisions regarding what they know. But I think she definitely should sit down with the guy and make plain how she feels.

 

Tara

[lmkzbcb]

:grouphug: Haven't read the other replies, but I would not advise that your dd confront the kids and tell them that she is their sister. If this were my dd, I would take her to counseling, where she can work through some of her feelings about the rejection of her biological father, which is clearly about him and not her. I'm sure she is a wonderful girl. Regardless of your dh's involvement, love, care, etc. in her life, this man is still her biological father, and this is still a huge rejection. It screams "I didn't want you then. I don't want you now." This is something that most people, particularly a young person like your dd, would need help (professional) to process. So I wouldn't do anything before I got her some supportive counseling. If the sibs were adults, I would advise differently...but they are children trying to have a childhood and this man is their father. I don't think anything is gained by causing further turmoil for two more kids.:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

I was an adult when I found out that I have a half brother who was given up for adoption. I was thankful that my mom didn't tell me this until I was an adult. I handled the information much better and more maturely than I would have as a child.

 

Your dd's siblings are still very young. I say lay low, maintain the relationships with the rest of the family. I agree with others who said the extended family may revolt against her too, if she tells the young children.

 

If she decides to do this, she can be encouraged to stand in her own decision and endure his stupidity knowing she is doing it for the prized end result. Which isn't him, but her siblings. When the children are legal adults, she can approach them for a more involved relationship. At that point their parents will look like the insensitive people they truly are and they can't legally do anything about her communications with them. Insensitive not because they didnt tell the siblings, but because of the ostracizing. It would have been very easy for them to involve her, and yet not disclose her relation to their children. Kids don't ask questions like that, they just accept people into their sphere.

 

My 2 cents. Best wishes for her and you.

[Melinda in VT]

Should she confront them and insist the kids be told? She she tell the kids? Should I get involved? Please be gentle :)

 

Barb

 

I don't think she should initiate this conversation with her siblings until they are 18, but I also don't think she should have to lie if the kids ask her directly who she is or if she is their sibling.

[Stacy in NJ]

What if she were to say something like, "Here is what I plan to do, but I thought I'd give you the opportunity to handle it first."

 

 

Your dd should let her bio-dad know that for the time being she'll respect his decision not to tell his other kids, but once they turn 18 and are adults, all bets are off.

 

We all have a right to know who we're related to by blood.

 

He might reconsider his decision once he understands that his kids will know eventually.

 

Honestly, he's going to look like a jerk if he doesn't acknowledge her sooner rather than later.

[Ellesmere]

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As someone who grew up in a split family with a father who wasn't always present, I am pretty thankful that my mother still encouraged a relationship with my amazing grandmother and extended family and that I didn't also miss out on those relationships.

 

As an Auntie to two beautiful girls with a father (my brother) who has not always been present, I'm very thankful that their mothers didn't also cut the rest of us out of the girls lives and that we were able to build relationships with them ourselves.

 

I don't think that it's ever possible that kids are worse off for having *more* people in their lives that love them. And I think the OP sounds like a pretty awesome Mom for ensuring that her daughter got to experience this through her extended family.

 

:iagree: I'm pretty new on at the Hive. I don't know Barb, I'm sure she's human and has made mistakes in her life. But giving her daughter a relationship with her birth father's family is not something I would question or criticize when it seems they were very loving. It's not productive to her current situation or encouraging (and I believe you can disagree with someone and still encourage, or at least be gentle.)

 

I see why she "put her in this situation". Barb, I think it was mature and loving of you to give your daughter the gift of a relationship with his parents. I wish I could have had that with my bio-grandparents. (It just wasn't possible, no fault of my parents.)

 

You already said you know how fortunate you are to have that involvement. Just want to let you know I agree and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Best wishes as you help her through this painful time.

[annlaura]

Hugs to your daughter. :grouphug: Being rejected repeatedly by a parent is so hard. I know it hits me out of nowhere sometimes after long periods of not thinking about it. If she feels comfortable telling paternal progenitor or his wife how she feels and that she desires to know the children, then she should tell them. And if they still don't want to tell the children, she could let them know she won't tell unless asked outright. But I don't think she should tell them without parental permission. I don't think she'd be allowed to get to know them if she starts by crossing a line. Sorry she has to deal with this.

[elegantlion]

I'm in a horrid mood, so I don't mean this to sound confrontational, if it comes out that way.

 

The kids have a right to know. If everyone else in the family is hiding the fact from these children, then they are kowtowing to him. It's ridiculous. In this day of modern family combinations there is no reason (except for his guilt and shame) that these kids not know they have a half sibling. He's avoiding and they (his family) are enabling him.

 

My dad was abandoned by his parents at age 5. Mom was in no condition to be a parent, dad remarried and had a "new family". My dad was raised by grandparents. We grew up less than 2 hours from my biological grandfather and I met him once, at a funeral. It was total BS. My dad had a half sister that didn't know about him for years. When I went to my grandfather's funeral there were people there (he'd lived in the same town for over40 years) that had no clue he had a son and granddaughters.

 

My father's uncles and aunts tried to make up for his own dad's neglect, but it never helped him overcome the rejection of his own father. My dh's father died when he was little and we've had many a debate in our family of which was worse, a deceased father or one that rejects you in life.

 

I recently went to a funeral for one of the aunts. There are two surviving uncles (of my dad's) and I could feel my own feelings of rejection rising up. I'm 44 and I've worked for years to overcome a big hairy root of bitterness over the rejection from my grandfather. I can only imagine how your dd feels.

 

I'm sorry she is having to deal with this. It's not fair to her that she can't even tell them she is their sister. The shame and guilt are his, not hers, she shouldn't be asked to carry that burden.

Edited May 8, 2011 by elegantlion

[J-rap]

:iagree: and I WAS in your daughter's situation. My mom had me before she met my dad. They married when I was a baby and he adopted me. I met my bio father once when I was 16yo. I wanted to get to know him, build a relationship, etc. He was married and had two young children.

 

When his wife found out that I wanted more of a relationship with my bio dad and my half siblings she FREAKED OUT. It got very ugly. Rather than push the issue and make it uglier, I walked away. I realized that I already had a dad and siblings and a great family.

 

He was not my dad. Anybody can donate sperm. He wasn't the one who hugged me when I cried or helped me when I was hurt or taught me to ride a bike. He was just some guy that got my mom pregnant. Big deal.

 

I hope your daughter can get through this emotionally. It has made me stronger to realize that shared DNA means next to nothing when it comes to who loves you. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

This is the first time I'm trying to do the quote in a blue box thing, so I'm not sure if it will work... I very much agree with her conclusion!

[kchara]

I'm so sorry for your daughter. :grouphug::grouphug: For her and you. What a mess. Has she discussed the situation with her grandmother? I would start there first. I agree with not telling the kids right now. As much as it stinks, it's not her place. However, as they come of age, I think the PPs are right, all bets are off. I wonder if he's even told his wife?

[lmkzbcb]

I've been thinking about this some more, and am going to have to modify my earlier answer.

 

1 - my situation is a little diff, b/c we don't have any contact nor have we ever had any contact with my half-brother. We dont even know if his parents ever told him he was adopted.

 

2 - Although it would be crossing the parental rights of her bio-dad to tell her siblings. It is in your full right to confront him and his wife about what they have done.

 

I think if it were me, I would talk to his wife first. You have every right to protect your daughter. What they have done is unacceptable, especially from the pov of being her mother. Maybe she would be sympathetic. If not, I would ask her how she plans to handle this, since at some point a.- her kids are going to figure it out, b.- someone in the family will slip it out or tell them, or c.- your daughter would have every right to tell them when they are 18. They will obviously wonder why their parents ostracized their sister. She may not have thought about this, and bringing it up may "wake her up" to their stupidity.

 

I would also talk to his mother. Even if there are bumps between him and his mother; it pales in comparrison to what he has done to his daughter. His mom is the one that has kept the family connection going; she needs to be the one to come to her protection now that it has hurt her. Or at minimum be aware of the situation; maybe his mom will take extra care of dd's heart especially while she is still with them and away from you.

 

The more I think about it, :cursing:. I would be "spittin' nails mad"!

Edited May 8, 2011 by lmkzbcb