If you have a several year age difference between kids...tell me about it

[Eleni]

I had my 3 kids in a 3.5 yr time frame. It was a crazy few years, but we all survived. :001_huh:

Now my youngest is 7 and I am finding myself wanting another child in a crazy way. I am 35 now, and it seems my clock is on full tick. I thought it was just baby fever, but the thought of another child at all ages is very appealing right now.

 

My main concerns are:

When our youngest is 18 we will only be 46.

Sleep deprivation

Getting PPD again

Having a bad labor (my other 3 were wonderful births)

We don't have maternity coverage, and would go with a midwife and they are reasonably priced but there is the "What IF?" question looming.

Adjusting back into having a baby...(but there are 4 other hands that would be willing to help)

 

I know my youngest would not be thrilled with losing her place in the family. She likes being the youngest, and the only girl.

My oldest frequently comments that we need to have a baby. and my middle loves babies and littles.

 

There is NO way I will go through pregnancy without being more fit than I currently am...so it would be a year before we even try to conceive.

 

My siblings are 9&8 years older than I am, and then 9 years younger than I am...and we are all pretty close and love each other.

 

So..tell me about what it is like as a mother

 

:lurk5:

[amy g.]

My 12 year old and 4 year old play together ALL of the time. They sew Barbie clothes and play with American Girl Dolls.

 

If I had stopped at my first 3 children, I would almost be at the point of just having teenagers.

 

My 16 year old loves taking care of my one year old. Miss Happy calls us both Momma.

 

It's been fun, but exhausting. I can't believe I'm suffering with hot flashes at the same time that I'm still breastfeeding. That hardly seems fair.

[LidiyaDawn]

I don't know ~ but I'm about to find out. :laugh:

(see sig)

[....]

My 9 yro and 3 yro play together all the time, too. They also fight :confused:, which I thought was weird (I say, "Dude? Why are you fighting with a 3 year-old?? ;)) Also, they seem to have very similar personalities. The 9 yro will have a "fashion show" :glare: with the 3 yro. She dresses the 3 yro up in different outfits and paints her nails. We went to a park with a lake the other day and the 9 yro took the 3 yro off and was showing her minnows and a turtle (while the 8 yro and 6 yro ran around like lunatics :tongue_smilie:).

 

I'm 9 yrs older than one of my sisters and I'm actually closer to that sister (relationship-wise) than I am with my other sister (who is only 3 years younger than me).

 

Did any of that make any sense? I really need a cup of coffee this morning!

[Melinda in VT]

There is a four-year gap between our oldest and our twins, and a six-year gap between the twins and our fourth child.

 

Of course I love him to pieces (odd expression, that) and am thrilled he's here, but I have not grown any more satisfied with the timing.

 

* Pregnancy was so much harder at 34 than at 24 or 28. And I have normal pregnancies, so I really shouldn't complain, but I just felt icky a lot of the time.

 

* There are moments where the kids play nicely together, but those are overshadowed by all the moments where they aren't. By the time the youngest got old enough to enjoy imaginative play, the twins were moving out of that stage. The oft-heard expression around here is, "Mom, tell <brother> and <sister> they have to play with me and I get to pick what to play!" The oldest often wants to interact with the youngest, but things tend to get intense quickly and the youngest starts shrieking. And I have a woeful lack of patience for screaming.

 

* It really bothers the youngest that he is the youngest. He frequently asks why we didn't have him first and doesn't like stories about anything that happened in the family before he was born.

 

I'm sorry this sounds so negative. Clearly we are still working through how to manage the age gap.

[Impish]

Diva and Tazzie fight. Diva and Princess get along beautifully. I don't know if its a sister/brother thing or personalities or what.

 

It is odd to have my eldest in the Navy, and Princess starting kindergarten :001_huh:

[Carrie12345]

I have a 13 month gap, and the rest are about 3.5 year gaps. Ds was 9 and 12 when the other boys were born.

 

They all pretty much play and interact the same with each sibling - fighting one minute, helping the next... Nothing unusual to report in that department!

 

I will say that I think the idea that pregnancy takes a bigger toll the older you get isn't quite as true as it's made out to be. I'm sure that's the case sometimes, but not exactly for me. I've had babies at 21, 25, 26, 30, and 33. My most tiring pregnancy and newborn period was in fact the last one. My EASIEST was the 4th!

[Mynyel]

I have a 4 year gap between dd13 and ds9. I have a 6 year gap between ds9 and ds2 (He will be 3 in a month). There is a 10 year gap between dd13 and ds2.

 

I love my gaps. My sons play together all.the.time. Ds9 is great at keeping ds2 occupied. I would have hated having them closer.

 

*If* I was to have another I would be waiting a few more months before trying to get a 4 year gap between the last two. But I don't, and I won't :D

[hsbaby]

All of my kids are spaced a few years apart....14, 8, and 4. They are all very close and get along well. The 8 year old and the 4 year old fight the mist often, but they play together the most often as well. I have found that my youngest is very mature compared with other 4 year olds. I attribute it to trying to keep up with her older siblings and their friends. In fact, she doesn't have any friends her age. They are all about 6:). I say go for it!

[texasmama]

My four kids are spread out over ten years, with a five year gap between the first and second. It has worked out fine. My girls are ten years apart, and it has been sweet to watch their relationship develop as my littlest dd has gotten a bit older.

 

Some thoughts - No child ever wants to give up the "baby" position. ;)

 

Do you have adequate funds if you have a complication of some sort during pg (unlikely but possible) and need to pay for more medical care than a midwife typically provides?

 

If you had three great labors, you are likely to have another one.

 

My last baby was born right before I turned 39. I don't have any regrets. I knew "we weren't all here yet" before she was conceived. I never heard anyone regret having more kids...only not having more.:001_smile:

[NanceXToo]

My oldest is 19 (special needs)

 

My middle is 10 1/2

 

My youngest is 5 1/2

 

We're on cycle four of TTC one last little one (I wish it would happen already lol). Oh and P.S. I just turned 38 on the 1st of this month.

 

I have to say, I really LIKE the age difference with my kids. When my youngest was born it was GREAT that my older two were mainly independent. They could entertain themselves, they didn't need constant supervision, they were old enough to help out in some ways, they were old enough to understand when I had to just take care of the baby, etc.

[Heather in Neverland]

My 3 kids are each 6 years apart... 13, 7, 1... It has its challenges but it also has a lot of benefits. My two older boys absolutely dote on their little sister and they are old enough to help out a lot. I could never fathom having more than one in diapers at a time. This works for us.

[Tohru]

Mine are 11 years apart and it's great.

They get along, they play, they fight. It's a lot of fun. From a parent's perspective it can be challenging to find suitable games for family game nights.

 

We're expecting #3 in October and I'd like to have at least another one or two more (I'm 38 now.)

 

My advice, if you want another and dh is on board, go for it :)

The one thing I've heard elderly people regret the most is not having more children.

[Pretty in Pink]

Pregnancy and parenthood always come with uncertainties -- several of the concerns you listed would apply to any pregnancy, regardless of spacing (PPD, sleep deprivation, prenatal care and delivery).

 

To specifically address spacing and birth order, the truth is that my eldest just adores our 2yo, and they are ten years apart.

 

I am 8 years older than my sister and we are the best of friends. Always have been. I can't imagine life without her in it.

[Amira]

My first two were less than two years apart, but the third wasn't born till seven years later. There were some real advantages to not having toddlers around with a new baby in the house, but it was surprisingly difficult for me to adjust to being a mother of a baby again. Being a mother of older children is a lot different from being the mother of a baby or a toddler.

 

I don't know if I wish that the last could have been born sooner, but I do know I'm glad he's in our family.

[Lovin Learnin]

My first two are 16 months apart and number 3 came along 8 years later. The biggest issue is that my little thinks she is a teenager and feels very comfortable hanging out with her brothers and their friends. This was true even when she was much younger and it's something I have to watch. My middle and little do fight on occasion. As a pp said, I would find myself asking middle why he felt the need to argue with his baby sister. Now, however, I find that she is more often the instigator and I have to reel her in.

 

I have no regrets having them spread so far apart. It wasn't intentional (didn't think we could have more) but I can't imagine life without her. As my only girl, we have the time and desire to do special things together.

 

I say go for it!

[blakereese]

My 7 year old is amazing with his little brother. I wasn't expecting him to turn into the little daddy, but he has. He is so helpful and he seems genuinely happy to do it. Just the other day he got our all of his old Thomas train stuff and is teaching his 14 month old brother how to play trains. :) It's adorable.

 

My five year old gave up her baby position pretty easily, and she held it for 4 years. She also enjoys having a baby in the house (her own personal doll baby ;)).

 

It has been so much fun this time around, because my son was only 2.5 when his sister was born, and it wasn't as big of a deal. He doesn't remember life without her. But now the 2 older kids are always making things for their brother, singing to him, reading to him, teaching him all about life. :) I love to watch it.

 

I also have a sister who is 15 years younger than me (and 12 years younger than my other sister). I am much closer to my youngest sister, and cannot imagine our family without her. My mom had her at 35 and she always says that J keeps her young.

 

I also think that you know if you are not done having children, and if it is possible to go for it! I never hear regrets for having another child, only NOT having another.

 

What can I say...I want another one right now, so I will definitely say SURE, HAVE ANOTHER!! :lol::001_smile:

[Penny_P]

I have a 7 year old gap between my middle and youngest. I really hesitated to have a third because my first two were 18 months apart and I didn't get much support from dh or family. It was hard. BUT, my little buddy has been a wonderful addition! The older kids are helpful and enjoy playing with him. It's been so much easier than I thought! Or, maybe I just knew what I was getting into this time around. :tongue_smilie:

[joannqn]

My first two are two years about. Then there was five years before the third came along. Knowing he'd be lonely, I had a fourth two and a half years later (would have been two years apart but I had a late miscarriage with that one).

 

As much as I love my younger children, there are many times I regret having two more so far apart from the first two. It's been really hard is so many ways.

 

My two boys, the 9 and 4 year olds, don't get along. What's worse is that they have to share a room, which makes their bickering that much more frequent. Plus, we let the 9 year old stay up an extra 1/2 hour to read in bed but that keeps the 4 year old up too late.

 

Then there's the age difference with the girls. We'll soon be moving the youngest out of our bed so we'll have an 11 and 2 year old sharing. I'm trying to picture a teenager sharing a room with a four year old.

 

I've also had a very tough time dividing my time between two homeschooling, a toddler/preschooler, and a nursing child. The 4 year old has been badly neglected during these past 2 years. It's really tough to meet all of their needs.

 

And there are so many things I wish I could do with the older two that I can't because I have the younger two. Stuff like field trips suitable for older kids or playing games. I think we'd be having a lot more fun at this age together.

 

When the older two were younger, we did so many fun things together. We spent tons of time at the library, park, on young kid field trips, etc. I'd love to do the same with the younger set but I can't because the older two have too much school work now.

 

I'm finding it really hard to reconcile two very different age sets. I really wish they were all closer together.

[TexasRachel]

My oldest is 13. The next one is 3, then 1, and we plan on having another within the next year. That age gap is huge. Dd sometimes gets along good with her younger brothers but a lot of times not. She's really too old to play with them a lot. It's hard to start over. Especially because mine are boys and dd was a very sweet, low key child. The craziness of our boys has DH & I just boggled sometimes.

 

We only plan on one more because we think I'm getting too old. The risk of birth defects weighs heavily with us. But yes, ds pregnancy, ten years after dd, knocked me off my feet. I was in school and working with dd. With ds I was exhausted.

 

As far as hsing, my oldest is pretty much doing most of own schooling so that helps with my time.

 

And DH has mandatory retirement with his job, but we will still have kids at home. So there were lots of thing we considered, but we always felt like we had more kids in our family.

[CanaryMelody]

My first two are two years about. Then there was five years before the third came along. Knowing he'd be lonely, I had a fourth two and a half years later (would have been two years apart but I had a late miscarriage with that one).

 

As much as I love my younger children, there are many times I regret having two more so far apart from the first two. It's been really hard is so many ways.

 

My two boys, the 9 and 4 year olds, don't get along. What's worse is that they have to share a room, which makes their bickering that much more frequent. Plus, we let the 9 year old stay up an extra 1/2 hour to read in bed but that keeps the 4 year old up too late.

 

Then there's the age difference with the girls. We'll soon be moving the youngest out of our bed so we'll have an 11 and 2 year old sharing. I'm trying to picture a teenager sharing a room with a four year old.

 

I've also had a very tough time dividing my time between two homeschooling, a toddler/preschooler, and a nursing child. The 4 year old has been badly neglected during these past 2 years. It's really tough to meet all of their needs.

 

And there are so many things I wish I could do with the older two that I can't because I have the younger two. Stuff like field trips suitable for older kids or playing games. I think we'd be having a lot more fun at this age together.

 

When the older two were younger, we did so many fun things together. We spent tons of time at the library, park, on young kid field trips, etc. I'd love to do the same with the younger set but I can't because the older two have too much school work now.

 

I'm finding it really hard to reconcile two very different age sets. I really wish they were all closer together.

 

:iagree:

 

There is a 7 year age gap between DD1 and DD2. DD1 was so used to being an only child that SHE has difficulty with sharing her room (done out of necessity) and being respectful of her little siblings. She treats them like servants and disregards their feelings a lot. She argues with the 3 year old A LOT. (I always asking, "Um, aren't you 13 years?? Why are you arguing with a 3 year old???" :001_huh: ) What's worse is they idolize her because she is older. They want to watch the movies she watches (and she has more freedom in that regard because she is older), etc. She has many many other issues, though. And quite honestly, she's kind of a bad influence on my little ones. All of the bad habits, etc. that she has (teen attitude, laziness, unmotivation towards school, etc.) is starting to rub off on the little ones. :( (We're going to counseling to help muddle our way through all of this.)

 

I am finding it very hard to balance the needs of the oldest with the little ones. Because DD1 is so incredibly needy, the little ones are neglected many times. DD2 is dying to learn to read yet *ALL* my time is spent managing the oldest. Her subjects are more difficult, needing more time teaching, and I struggle with her to just get them done.

 

Going to activities are more difficult. Activities for the oldest often don't allow little ones around. Yet to go to activities for the littles... well we can't take the time out of a school day because the oldest has her workload.

 

I don't know. I would not give up a single child in my family. Never. But I wished my oldest was not so much older. It wasn't on purpose, obviously. But still...

[Lovin Learnin]

Double post. sorry

[Tarreymere]

lol, look at my siggy!

 

We just love our youngest two and they are younger than some of our grandchildren. I wouldn't change a thing. DH and I are 46 and we are enjoying our 'hobby children'.

[StartingOver]

Hubby's

DD 35, DD 35, DS 27, DD 27.

 

Mine

DD 23, DS 21, DS 19

 

Ours

DS almost 5, DD 3.

 

Grand babies, 15, 12, 9, 5, 2, 2, 2, 2, and 2 on the way.

 

Pregnancy in my 20's was easy peasy.

Pregnancy in my late 30's was much harder.

I was used to sleeping in with teens, sleep deprivation was a tough one.

 

Other than that I would not change one single thing !!!

[Sugarfoot]

We have 2 sets: the big kids and the little kids.:D Our second DD was 7 1/2 when I became pregnant with DD4. I was 39. She was 8 by the time the baby was born. I then had another baby 14 months later. I was almost 41.

 

There are definitely challenges. School work is the biggest right now. The older kids need a lot of my time and attention, and so do the littles. There's just not enough of me to go around!

 

It's worked out fine, though. The hardest part is dealing with puberty and toddlerhood at the same time.:lol:

 

I'm 44 now, and my youngest is still in diapers.

[Violet Crown]

Sleep deprivation was definitely an issue. It was so much easier to wake up in the night as a grad student in my 20's than as a tired housewife in my 40's. On the other hand, I'm less foolish (I hope) than I was in my early mothering years.

 

As someone mentioned, it's surprising that there is sometimes fighting. My explicit rule is that if you are having a bicker-fest with a younger sister, you are automatically at fault. We also talk about dynamics, and I try to respect that some kinds of fighting/arguing are age-appropriate, and if a child doesn't have someone of the right age to disagree with, they'll pick someone of the wrong age.

 

I highly recommend having older children read books about babies and younger children; mine especially appreciated the Your N-Year-Old series.

 

ETA: Totally agree with Sugarfoot. Having a 14-year-old and a 2-year-old at the same time nearly drove me off a cliff. 7yo dd was so nice and normal while her hormone-charged sisters raged and tantrumed through the house.

[texasmama]

It's worked out fine, though. The hardest part is dealing with puberty and toddlerhood at the same time.:lol:

 

:lol: I would have to agree with this. My teenager was going through a rough time while I was chasing and potty training a toddler. Unfun times those were...but they passed, and I wouldn't change a thing. My baby was a surprise so I never had to make this decision. It was made for me. I honestly think that helps, too. :001_smile:

[sewpeaceful]

I was 35 when I had my last with a midwife and I did fine - however, many midwives will not take 35 yo women because of risk factors starting to rise. Just do your homework first on this issue.

 

Good luck with your decision!!

[meggie]

My oldest was 3 1/2 when my second was born. For the area we live, that's a LONG time between children. It was easy enough, because he new how to wait a few minutes and he could be bargained with.

 

I honestly think a lot of it has to do with the personalities and temperaments of the children involved. Some people are best friends with their sibling close in age; some cannot stop fighting with them. And vice versa for siblings far apart in age.

 

Digby was a very....I don't know how to say it nicely, but a high maintenance child. Always needed to be held to sleep, wouldn't go back to sleep easy, inconsistent about what "worked" for him and what didn't. After 12 months without sleeping thru the night, PPD was very bad for me. I went crazy. And when I found out I was pregnant with #3 (they are 20 months apart, closer in age than I would have ever purposefully planned on) I was very worried that I'd never sleep again.

 

Well, at about 12 months, he started sleeping through the night and she came along and it was only hard sleep-wise for about two weeks. She would only wake up once or twice a night and would go right back to sleep without me needing to rock or walk her. And she started sleeping through the night completely at about 6 weeks. So for me, having two and a newborn is a lot easier than having one and a newborn. I think so much just depends on each child and there's no way to predict that before they're born.

 

So if you really want another, go ahead, I agree with a previous poster who said most people don't regret having another.

[Emerkaza]

Go for it! I had my last baby at 35 and would do it again. My girls were born 6 years apart, have always been very close and have always done things together. My boys, not so much.

[kamom]

We have a 9-10 yr gap between olders and youngest. I wouldn't change a thing! Sure pregnancy was harder in the thirties then in my twenties, but I'm really hoping and praying for another one before I hit forty, so it can't be that bad.

 

The olders help out a lot and love their younger brother. DS10 and DS1 will share rooms by the sime youngest is two.

 

I say if you feel so led, go for it!

[mcconnellboys]

My boys are about 6 years apart and it has been fine. They are actually growing closer now that they're older than they were when younger....

[journeytolily]

My middle child was 5.5 when we brought home our 3rd. We didn't plan for there to be such an age difference (due to our ages), but that's how it worked out. We are now trying to adopt one more baby, to keep our little one company ;-)

 

The older two just adore their little sister, and they can't wait to have another baby in the house. If you want another child, go for it!

[Ester Maria]

My kids are 14, 13 and a baby under 1. To be perfectly honest, the latter addition messed up our family dynamics BIG TIME, as much as we all adore her and compete in spoiling her.

 

When the initial excitement over "awww, we have a baby!" went down a bit, we started to notice a myriad of little things that we got ourselves into. When you have a small child, you are quite limited in what you can do, where you can go and how your day is going to look like - on the other hand, our older two have only relatively recently got into the age where you can truly enjoy them as older children and connect with them on all sorts of levels which require a certain maturity. The ages to come would be perfect ages to enjoy that maturity, travel together, somehow breathe more freely all of us together, not to even mention immense possibilities of intellectual binding which appear with this age, while the connection with the littles is obviously "stuck" on the emotional and "motherly-disciplinary" level. Yet, instead of "profitting" from the years to come in those aspects, those are going to be the years of toddler chasing, potty training, playing the good cop and the bad cop with a small child, enforcing daily structure to get everything done (just when I thought we were all disciplined enough to loosen up a bit) and responding to intense emotional and physical needs of a small child. And when the older two do get my attention - with a full understanding that my attention is unfortunately going to be at least "halved", as younger children are more intense - we will probably only manage to sweat the usual teenage stuff first and then, if possible and applicable, attempt to develop and deepen our personal and intellectual relationship a bit further. So, instead of what I envisioned as a wonderful bonding time and maturing together, it will probably come down to petty arguments about skirt lengths, curfews, music volume, mechanic checking of whether the school work is done (since, of course, there will be no time to go into as great depth as we could; also, forget about individual tailoring of every single course, which was largely the case in the past years - I can envision much more relying to already fleshed out books, sequences and tutors in the future) and odd moments of reflections on life when all circumstances are favorable and the younger kid in bed.

 

I feel guilty. I feel that I messed up my older two, who are entering very challenging and very important ages, and "distanced" them from myself in a way. A lot of times I feel we just should not have waited so long with the third child - she was always somewhere "in the air", vaguely "planned", but we could have "speeded up" a bit those plans, right? If the age barrier was only half what it is, i.e. about 6 years, it would still be a huge barrier, but things would be heading towards normalcy now as the youngest would at least be physically independent and more understanding of the other two's needs for me... Instead, a chaos is up to come now. Toddlerhood and teenagehood at the same time, and I totally fear that I will end up getting the worst of both and having to deal only with the petty issues of each of those stages, as there will probably be no time or opportunities for the intense joys of those development stages.

 

On the other hand, I feel that I also messed up the youngest one. She will be about 5-6 years old when the older two leave the nest - not even at the proper beginning of her educational road, while the oldest two will be entering its final stage and probably away from home. What kind of relationship will that child have with her sisters? They are nearly a full generation apart! Will she able to share anything with them? A world of experience apart. She will grow up totally separately from them. Be a sort of "sentimentality" for her older sisters for a long, long time rather than a more or less equivalent partner in life, emotional connection, studies or anything. And when she finally grows up to a point of that level of connection, will it ever really happen? We are talking about the age at which the older two will probably be forming their own families, leading their own lives. Truly, she will be a little more than a "human pet" for them, in a way. Somebody to play with during holidays and entertain now and then, but ultimately, somebody excluded from most of their life and relevant experiences, somebody they will probably always "talk down to", in a way, i.e. "dumb down life" for her as thy speak and connect, as the gap between their experiences will be huge. In other words, the baby will probably grow up without sisters in a full sense of the word. At best, she will grow up as a sort of "protegee" of two older girls, who will even before her teenagehood turn into women.

 

There are days when all of this really bugs me. Of course, I adore all three of them and it does not affect my love, but I do think the relationship between the older set and the younger one is inevitably doomed. And that they will each, in her own way, resent me one day for putting them into this situation.

 

To make it even worse, my newly-middle seems to be developing a sort of middle child syndrome around her. I have always connected better to the eldest while she was more of a daddy's girl, but their father works long hours and travels a lot, so she is stuck in a house with a mother whose attention is mostly divided between the eldest, whom she naturally "clicks" with as a personality and intellect, and the youngest. I feel that, in spite of being very polite and not voicing, she does feel neglected at times, which makes me feel guilty.

 

The eldest is meanwhile nearly resenting the fact that she cannot get so much one on one attention from me all the time. In a way that is a "healthy" thing for her, since she needs a bit of "mental", more than physical, independence is a good thing for her to direct some of her thoughts and academic interests to other people too and get more diversity, but at the same time, it does feel like failing her academically. I am supposed to be there for her and, well, I cannot when I have a fussy baby, irregular sleeping cycle, work on the top of that and then again I just need some amount of venting and adult talk to be able to function. Then I feel guilty for coming on here. I have time and energy to write out complete reviews of Latin sequences for a bunch of strangers and elaborate replies on a whole bunch of topics, but sometimes I do not have time and energy to reinvent the wheel talking about literature with my kid when she requests it? But for her, it is not reinventing, but discovering many of those things for the first time. My world is old, but if I am not willing to be energetic about the young world of my kids, maybe I should just send them off to school? One way or another, she does need somebody, to somehow, deal with her mental energy. And I fail at it sometimes. Sigh.

 

And then the baby. I do not play with her enough. I am physically there for her, but maybe not as excited about the world as I was with my older two. I sometimes feel too incapable of reproducing that first-child zeal that both older ones got to profit from as they were growing up so close in age. Yes, it is nice to have a child too as a more mature person, but sometimes it takes its toil.

 

At present I feel that I am failing each of my children in at least one aspect of their lives, and ironically, in the aspect which is probably the most important to each of them. So I have a 13 year old estranging herself into her own little world, a 14 year old who is starting to open herself up to the world to the point that it seems that it is only a matter of relatively short time when I will "lose" big areas of her mind and things she deals with, it is normal, but also a bit sad.

 

Mind you, I am not looking into discouraging you. Children are a blessing and a great joy.

I am aware of the fact that I have it pretty easy compared to many women here, who have double and triple as much children than me and more and would probably think we are all just spoiled upon reading this. The fact is, maybe it is just a normal course of things. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportions. Maybe I am just too old, too idealistic, too hard on myself. Maybe I am just in a rotten mood at this crazy nightly hour, having too much time in my life which brings me to even complain about it.

 

But a new baby at great age difference does shake a family dynamics. Your situation is a lot more different than mine, and then the difference is still less, and those few years do mattter. But I did want to give you the taste of the different side of the medal too. As much as I adore each one of my children individually, and hate to admit it because it feels like admitting a bit of a failure at something, my life did go a bit crazy after the newest addition to our family. Of course, one adapts. And of course, a new baby is so precious that it wins your heart no matter what, and no matter what you will say in the end it was totally worth it. I know that, I use that second-hand knowledge to console myself in moments of crisis like this. :D

 

In our case, things are just not the same. In some ways, for better, because we have a lovely addition. But, I hate to admit it, in some ways also for the worse. I am not sure what I would suggest to somebody in a situation like mine. Yours looks a lot more manageable with smaller age gap.

 

Off my soapbox now.

[Eleni]

Ester- I want to say that my oldest sister and younger brother are 18 years apart in age and they are very very close. Our mom died last year and she has been his rock.

[Ester Maria]

Margaret and Eleni, your positive experiences are encouraging. :)

 

I was an only child myself, while DH comes from a family of four who were relatively close in age, so we do not really have close experiences with such huge age gaps between kids. It might be that, in our fear of the unknown we got ourselves into, we automatically "fall for" the worst possible outcome. I do hope things will turn out fine, though I have my moments of crises, like earlier tonight. :(

 

We know a few big families, and people coming from big families, and we have always only heard positive things, but then again, one could never be sure how much of that is "political correctness" (there is still a sort of societal taboo to talk about these things in a less than enthusiastic fashion, I think) and whether there are any hidden sentiments or somehow less stable bonds with some siblings due to age gap.

 

In any case, I am always very glad to read positive experiences with big age gaps.

[Hyzenthlay in Pa.]

 

My main concerns are:

When our youngest is 18 we will only be 46.

 

:lurk5:

 

I'm a mom of 6, had 4 then 12 years later 2 more. My comments are covered by all the other replies.

So, may I ask ? Why does it concern you , that you will only be 46 when your youngest is 18? You don't need reply to me, but I'd give it some careful thought and conversation with your husband.

I know at your age I had some of what is called fear of success, like after raising these children , what next? My hormones were still calling to me to have babies and make a home through my late 30's & early 40's.

As I have aged, my urgings & wants have changed. I don't regret having the last 2 , but do have a struggle balancing my changing needs & children. Also take a look at your parents , their age, health & possible needs.

I don't want to be a downer, but some times I feel like I'm being drawn & quartered. Between my teens, my grown children & grandkids, my parents, and me not being as into homemaking. You can find yourself a whole new person in your 50's.

If you are concerned about sleep deprivation, don't forget on the other end, there is schooling with a brain boiled half the night in hot flashes.:scared:

and teens don't smell all nice and cuddly to comfort you through it.:glare:

[mom31257]

I only have 2 kids, but they are 6 years apart in age. I had my first at 30 and my 2nd at 36. We didn't have more because of our ages and the fact that we don't concieve very quickly. Now I regret it. At the end of our lives, what is going to matter except them? I am thankful for the two of them, but I often wish we had more kids.

 

Both of my pregnancies were easy. I didn't feel any different at 36 than I did at 30. My deliveries were fairly easy, too. My first came the day she was due. The second was late and I had to be induced.

 

I've enjoyed the age difference. I think they get along better than siblings I see that are close in age. I have a sister that is 5.5 years older and a sister that is 2.5 years younger. I've always gotten along better with the older one.

 

You can always find reasons NOT to have more, but you should follow you and your husband's hearts about it. Maybe just don't prevent it and be thankful if it happens. I hope you come to terms with whatever you decide.

[Eleni]

I'm a mom of 6, had 4 then 12 years later 2 more. My comments are covered by all the other replies.

So, may I ask ? Why does it concern you , that you will only be 46 when your youngest is 18? You don't need reply to me, but I'd give it some careful thought and conversation with your husband.

I know at your age I had some of what is called fear of success, like after raising these children , what next? My hormones were still calling to me to have babies and make a home through my late 30's & early 40's.

As I have aged, my urgings & wants have changed. I don't regret having the last 2 , but do have a struggle balancing my changing needs & children. Also take a look at your parents , their age, health & possible needs.

I don't want to be a downer, but some times I feel like I'm being drawn & quartered. Between my teens, my grown children & grandkids, my parents, and me not being as into homemaking. You can find yourself a whole new person in your 50's.

If you are concerned about sleep deprivation, don't forget on the other end, there is schooling with a brain boiled half the night in hot flashes.:scared:

and teens don't smell all nice and cuddly to comfort you through it.:glare:

 

 

I said that because we will only be 46, and to think that we would have adult children while we are that young has always been a way to get us through the sticky parts of parenthood. We talk about traveling, and I will be done with school, and maybe even starting a new career.

It is just that as I was approaching 35, and then turned 35 my biological clock suddenly turned on. I have never experienced such an irrational urge to have another child.

 

If I were to look at our situation logically...

I feel I am a good parent to 3 children, but sometimes my head still spins from having 3 children

 

We will only be 46 when we are done parenting, and can have some degree of freedom, and God willing, should there be grandchildren we will have time and energy to devote to them

 

After my 3rd I developed very bad PPD, and the thought of that again is horrifying.

 

But, again there is this strong urge and dh is ok either way...and my 2 boys want another sibling

 

I also worry that a 4th would be my tipping point and I would feel buried in child rearing reponsibility.

 

I actually have 7 siblings. The oldest is in his 60's and the youngest is 26. I have a set of 4 from my dad's first marriage (the old ones) and two from my mom's first marriage Then there was me...and my brother from my mom's 3rd marriage.

We all have a good relationship.

As far as health of my parents? My Dad died of cancer in 1998 when he was 72 and my mom died of Leukemia last January at 66. My 2nd oldest brother died of pancreatic cancer when he was 58- that was 2 years ago.

 

So, now that I just wrote that, and it really sunk in...having a 4th this late might not be the best idea, based on that snippet of health history....

 

Because I would spend the next year getting ready for a pregnancy (losing some extra weight and getting super fit so that it wouldn't wear me out) and then next Spring we are going to Dominican Republic, and then a couple months later to Hawaii, so I wouldn't want to TTC till at least fall...which means I would be 37, if we conceive quickly when a 4th child is born.