Tullia Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) I don't know what to do. I love my sister. I don't want her to die. I need to see her. But she won't let me. I'm just crushed. Is there somewhere nearby (NOT the hospital) you could wait without causing a confrontation--just in case? I am sorry for your pain, but what does your sister most need right now? I hope that you and your sister will have time to reconcile at some point so that both your needs and hers can be met, but right now your thoughts and actions need to be about what is best for her. In any case, if your going into the hospital provokes an outburst you may be asked to leave. If that were to happen, getting in later might not be possible even if she or her husband change their minds. Disturbances in the ICU are disruptive to other patients and their families--the staff would likely eject everyone except her husband if that were to happen. ETA: That subject line should have said that he probably has the right, especially if she is having trouble communicating. Edited January 21, 2011 by Martha in NM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I am also wondering this - just trying to clarify - is bil speaking for both of them, or did sis actually say not to come? (Sorry if it's just me not understanding.) If it were just him, I think I'd make the trip anyway. At leat you would always know you did your part, even if you don't get to see her. :grouphug: What a difficult situation. :iagree: It might be bil's grudge and your sis is just too weak to fight him at the moment. After the extraordinary gift you already gave her, I somehow find it difficult to believe she is holding the wedding thing against you at a time like this. Regardless, you all have my prayers and I am so sorry you must deal with this. Life's crosses. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm sorry, but I can't really blame your sister for how she feels right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 That is a horrible situation. Since you didn't ask for any advice I won't give any, just hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Bethany, just :grouphug:. I'm so sorry. Regardless of the choices either of you have made, you just want her to know you love her. I like the letter idea. It just might get read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeneralMom Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm sorry for your pain and for her's (as well as her DH's). I personally would not go to the hospital and respect your sister's wishes. If you do go, I agree with several previous posters, that waiting in the waiting-room would be the best thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Of course my convictions are for me. And my convictions did not allow me to celebrate her remarriage. I'm not pretending that I don't understand why she is hurt. And I know she won't let me see her to hurt me back. I get it. But none of that is going to matter if my sister dies, now will it? No matter what happened with the wedding, that was years ago. Forgiveness is so important.... especially when there could be limited opportunities to reconcile. I think it's important to do all you can from your side. I would send a text back that you love her and you really want to see her... that you are sorry you hurt her and you don't want there to be any un-forgiveness between the two of you any longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 If I had the chance to go back and change my decision about attending her wedding, I would not. It would have been a sin against my conscience. And again, none of that matters if my sister DIES. Well then you should absolutely stay home then. You chose to remove yourself from her married life and she moved on. You don't regret it and it appears since she stayed married to him, that she doesn't either. You were the one punishing her by your lack of attendance. I don't understand how it could matter in life, if it doesn't matter at death.:confused: Either it really didn't matter in life, or it still does matter. It isn't as though the sin stopped being a sin.:confused: Actually, this might not be true. She may be dealing with her own stuff and not even thinking about you. Again, personal experience. :iagree: I doesn't sound like she or he is being cruel. It sounds like they moved on and now she has chosen to have only those she is closest to be with her. Perfectly reasonable and not necessarily vindictive. My personal experience too. I harbor no ill will to my family, but no they won't be called or welcomed at that time. And yes, my dh will absolutely honor that request. In fact, he would be furious if my sister sat in the hallway or waiting room. It would be viewed as acting like a martyr and prying for information that we have chosen to not share with her. I am NOT saying you would do that, but that is absolutely how my dh and I would view it. This is terrible all around. As a mother, my heart breaks at the knowledge of siblings growing so bend away from each other. As a sister in the same boat, I think sometimes there's just no going back or making right. You just have to pray that the Lord heals in death what people couldn't in life.:grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :iagree: I say this very gently: aren't your personal convictions for you alone? If I were your sister and you didn't attend my wedding, I would be so crushed beyond words. Having been a religious person myself (and still questioning whether or not I still am) I can say that my convictions were for ME alone. God convicts EVERYONE differently. Is your sister even a believer? This:iagree: - please apologize - if she dies, you will someday regret this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 Wow. I'm now sorry I posted. My sister was my best friend all my childhood. We are less than a year and a half apart. People always thought we were twins. I love my sister, and am LITERALLY going to lose a part of me if she dies. I miss her. I'm hurting. I'm grieving. I'm sad. And I don't feel like debating my religious convictions right now. I only gave the back story to explain WHY I can't see her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Sweetie, I am SO sorry you are hurting!!!! The only question I would ask myself is, "What can I do to heal this?" Then do it. No matter what happens you will want to know you did everything you could. My heart breaks for you in so many ways. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting. If you are now regretting your decision to avoid her wedding, I would try to get the message through that you are sorry and you miss her and you love her. However, it sounds like you still stand by that decision and haven't made attempts to fix things in the last year and a half, in which case I can see why you now need to respect her wishes and stay home. Either way I'm sure it is very painful. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freethinkermama Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Sweetie, I am SO sorry you are hurting!!!! The only question I would ask myself is, "What can I do to heal this?" Then do it. No matter what happens you will want to know you did everything you could. My heart breaks for you in so many ways. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: Clearly, you love your sister. Enough to reconcile with her? If so, give that a chance. If she does not wish to reconcile, respect her wishes. That would show love too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Why don't you go there and ask to see her husband, rather than going in to see her? Why don't you talk to him and try to explain (plead) and see if he can/will intercede for you? I would hate for stress over something like this to perhaps make her situation worse, so I don't think I'd try to push it too much.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 This:iagree: - please apologize - if she dies, you will someday regret this. :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freethinkermama Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 LOL! :iagree: and :grouphug:. If you were my sister and didn't come to my wedding because of your convictions, I would still want to see you before I died. OR If I were the husband, I would want my wife reconciled with her sister even if I happened to have been hurt in the past. That may be your experience, but it may not appear to be the OP's sister desires. _That_ should be what is respected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I just had a family member pass away this summer. There were certain people who he refused to see before he died. These people hurt him badly. He did tell me that he forgives them, and only remembers the love...but he just couldn't allow the conflict in his life at that point. He wanted to be, only and always, with the people who loved him unconditionally. It was an emotional roller-coaster for his wife, who stood strong to uphold his request. It was heartbreaking in every way for all involved. However, none of this was about his wife or the unwelcome family members or the rest of us...it was about him. It was about his experience the last days of his life. Selfishly, I spent a little time with him. Every moment I spent with him, he CHOSE to give me. A minute, an hour to a dying person is a HUGE gift. I hope that I was a blessing to him too, in some way. To be blunt: Your sister's death is about your sister. It's not about you, your need to see her, or your need to process your emotions. It's about her. It's not about your mom, your other sister, or even her husband. It's about her. Likely, her hubby would do anything she asked of him right now (not knowing either of them) and is standing strong all day long in "crisis mode" and will be a flood of grief when he can stop having to be strong. Respect her wishes. Respect his grief. :grouphug:Praying for you and your sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I am a Christian. I understand that sometimes it can be confusing as to what is *participating* in sin and what is not. I think there is some wrong teaching out there that encourages Christians to be *judges*. There is only one Judge. I am sure that when you made the decision that you made, you were doing it out of a desire to please God with the knowledge that you had and the teaching you were under, so I don't see a reason for anyone to, ironically, judge *you* for your actions. However, I hope that you can step away and revisit that decision in light of the Bible and the Bible *alone*. If your sister sinned in her re-marriage, that is *her* sin, not yours. She answers for it, not you. I hope you can come to a place of peace in this and a place that will allow for reconciliation. "Love covers a multitude of sins". :grouphug: I hope that you read the *grace* in my words that I desire to communicate to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 That may be your experience, but it may not appear to be the OP's sister desires. _That_ should be what is respected. I am pointing out there are different attitudes out there and Beth is not (necessarily) the bad person here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Following convictions is very hard. We absolutely believe that adopting children of another race was right. Family members formerly very close do not agree. They have chosen to disown us and yes, it hurts to be cut off. But that is just a consequence of our adoptions. Unfortunately a very painful one. Bethany, I respect your conviction. I respect your love for your sister and your desire to see her again. Sadly, she has no desire to see you. That is her right and sadly a consequence of your convictions. She now has a new conviction - to stay away from you and the potential you have for causing her even more pain. My vote is to stay home. Show her the respect she deserves for standing firm on her conviction. Her husband is not going to receive you knowing he is the reason you opposed the wedding. I know you want to see her, but maybe that should have been done sooner - again a consequence of choice. I am so sorry for all you are going thru. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I am pointing out there are different attitudes out there and Beth is not (necessarily) the bad person here. But she is the one that is angry that she's not allowed to visit. And she wouldn't change her decision, so ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I am a Christian. I understand that sometimes it can be confusing as to what is *participating* in sin and what is not. I think there is some wrong teaching out there that encourages Christians to be *judges*. There is only one Judge. I am sure that when you made the decision that you made, you were doing it out of a desire to please God with the knowledge that you had and the teaching you were under, so I don't see a reason for anyone to, ironically, judge *you* for your actions. However, I hope that you can step away and revisit that decision in light of the Bible and the Bible *alone*. If your sister sinned in her re-marriage, that is *her* sin, not yours. She answers for it, not you. I hope you can come to a place of peace in this and a place that will allow for reconciliation. "Love covers a multitude of sins". :grouphug: I hope that you read the *grace* in my words that I desire to communicate to you. This is so wise. It made me think of how Jesus ate with tax collectors and spoke to prositutes. He knew they had tender hearts to be nurtured even though they were considered to be the worst of sinners by others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Why don't you go there and ask to see her husband, rather than going in to see her? Why don't you talk to him and try to explain (plead) and see if he can/will intercede for you? I would hate for stress over something like this to perhaps make her situation worse, so I don't think I'd try to push it too much.... :ohmy: Noooooooo! She wants him with her, not on the phone or in the hallway playing gatekeeper. He is having to suffer greatly and is likely not interested in playing mediation. And it might hurt your relationship with her even more. I would see red if someone pulled my husband from my side at that time and added stress to his already aching heart and mind. If there is anything I would want more than anything else, it would be time to find as much comfort among myself and my husband and children as possible. Don't ask him to waste moments with her to come out and deal with you. He is likely not in a frame of mind to want to or to do it at his best. Just another perspective. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 But she is the one that is angry that she's not allowed to visit. And she wouldn't change her decision, so ... I am getting what you mean but there are calls for Bethany to rethink (and she might) but it's not all on her shoulders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 But she is the one that is angry that she's not allowed to visit. And she wouldn't change her decision, so ... This is just absurd. Of course I understand my sister's pov on all of this. I get it. I was just sharing what was going on in my life so that my FRIENDS on this forum could support me. Perhaps if a woman's sister is in the ICU, you could choose another time to debate her, or dislike her theology, or whatever. Perhaps if a woman's siister is in the ICU, she needs support, not 'well that's what you get for being so judgmental' or whatever else you'd like to say. Perhaps if you have nothing nice to say, you should say nothing at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I'm so sorry, Bethany. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 ((((Bethany)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 :grouphug:, Bethany. I'll be praying for your sister and for you. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabula Rasa Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I am so sorry you are going through all this. :grouphug: I'll keep your sister in my prayers and you in my thoughts. I hope she pulls through this and the two of you have a chance to reconcile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicCole Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 :grouphug: This is a truly heartbtreaking situation. And I really hope that your sister recovers. Please don't be offended and hurt with the advice given in this thread. Really your convictions haven't changed and that is fine. But I am sure you still regret this great divide between your sister and yourself. I would simply send a letter with your mother which expressed your concern for her. How you miss your close relationship that only sisters can share. I would tell her how you regret the hurt in your relationship and how you would like to heal some of those hurts. It has to start with one person. After the letter and flowers step back and just pray. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 That may be your experience, but it may not appear to be the OP's sister desires. _That_ should be what is respected. That is all I think as well. I am pointing out there are different attitudes out there and Beth is not (necessarily) the bad person here. I don't think Beth is a bad person at all. I think she is hurting and I think it sucks. But that is where things are. And her sister has made choices as adults do and has a right to have those choices respected. Especially if it who she prefers to have with her during her last days. As hard as it is, staying home and sending flowers might be the most loving thing she can do right now. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicCole Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsha Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 You could have some flower sent and attach a card with an apology or whatever you wanted to say to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 To be blunt: Your sister's death is about your sister. It's not about you, your need to see her, or your need to process your emotions. It's about her. It's not about your mom, your other sister, or even her husband. It's about her. Likely, her hubby would do anything she asked of him right now (not knowing either of them) and is standing strong all day long in "crisis mode" and will be a flood of grief when he can stop having to be strong. Respect her wishes. Respect his grief. :grouphug:Praying for you and your sister. :iagree: I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. But right now, it isn't about your pain. It's all about your sister and she gets to call the all the shots. It seems as though she has. I would not intrude at the hospital. Send her a card, send her flowers, tell her you love her in some other way, but do not intrude with your presence if it isn't wanted. Praying that she will recover completely and you will have time left to reconcile your differences. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts