What would you say to a father you never knew if you had one last chance?

[rafiki]

.

[Liz CA]

An interesting question as I also did not know my father.

Don't know if there is much to say. What are your circumstances?

Will you stand by the bed of a dying man? Are you writing a letter?

Did you not know him because he abandoned you and your mother?

Without the background, this is really difficult to ponder.

 

In my situation, I would not say much other than being there if I had a chance to be there. I would let someone else do the talking.

I have never thought about writing a letter - don't know if I'd find anything to write.

Sorry - not much usable advice here.

[missesd]

I never knew mine either... I am guessing mine would b a string of questions... Did you love my mother? Did you know she was pregnant? If you did, why didn't you stay? Why didn't you want to see me? If you didn't, then what would you change? What are YOUR regrets???

[Sarah CB]

"You really missed out."

[justamouse]

Hoooo....

 

I have NO idea. I don't know my Dad, either--I did, though. Haven't seen him since I was three and it was no fault of his own.

 

I probably would start with, "I'm sorry. I really didn't understand how they were manipulating me."

[melissel]

Everytime I start, I'm consumed by tears.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[milovany]

I still love(d) you.

[weaver_67579]

Mine died when I was 3 so I did know him till then. I even have some memories. I would want him to see my husband and kids and know that I have always loved and missed him.

[Pippen]

I think if it was going to be only one last chance, I'd take a pass.

[mommaduck]

Everytime I start, I'm consumed by tears.

:grouphug: Been there in a sense. Saw my dad when I was two and not again until I was thirty-two. First time I spoke to him on the phone, I broke down in tears. I listened mostly and told him a bit about myself. Though there was plenty of blame I could toss at both him and my mama, I kept it out of the conversation. He volunteered some information and I filtered that through events I was aware of and what I'd been told both by my mama, his family, and my siblings. I told him that I love him. I've gotten to know him, I don't like him, but I do love him in an a manner that Christ would have us love our neighbours. As a daughter, I'd like to put him in the stocks and read him the riot act.

[jewellsmommy]

My situation is probably very, very different. But this is what I have said (written actually): I hold no hard feelings, thank you for stepping aside and allowing my dad (non-bio) to adopt me. I had a great upbringing and I am a stable, functioning adult with a happy family of my own.

 

 

I was a young child the last time I saw my bio father. I did not call him daddy. That title only ever belonged to one man in my life, the one who earned it. I have very little emotion attached to my bio father, good or bad. I don't feel as though I missed out on anything. I am grateful that I never had to live 2 lives like the other children with divorced parents that I knew. (I don't mean that as hurtful to those who did or have kids that do. I just honestly felt that way growing up)

[*********]

My parents divorced when I was 4. My father got custody; my mother quit visiting when I was 8.

 

I saw her again when I was almost 18, because I went looking for her. Haven't seen her since; it's been 15 years.

 

If I ever get the chance to speak to her again, I would tell her that I've missed her my entire life. That her abandoning me has marked who I am as a person, both in good and bad ways.

 

And if she asked me to, I'd tell her that I forgive her. I already *do* forgive her, but, IMO, that's not something you say outloud to someone unless they ask for forgiveness.

[mom2denj]

I never knew my father either. He did leave my mom when I was 2 and she was 8 mths pregnant with my brother. He literally went to the store for cigarettes and never came back. I did however grow up having a relationship with his mom (my grandmother) and his brother (my uncle and aunt).When my grandmother died 10 years ago (I was 30), he called me. Wham!!!!!! Out of respect, I tallked to him. He even came to visit us from California. He did not stay at my house. To be honest, I really had NO feelings either way. I never longed for my father or hated him. He died a couple of years later and I know that it is terrible, but I still had no feelings about it. He had supposedly changed and turned his life around. His was a Vietnam Vet and when he came back he started drinking and using drugs. I suppose I was just letting him get some kind of fullfillment before he died since he made the effort to call. .

 

I guess this does not help , but I just thought I would share my story. He was able to share his side of the story without trying to jusify it. I believe it was genuine. So maybe just let him talk and tell you his side of the story.

[Tiramisu]

My parents divorced when I was 4. My father got custody; my mother quit visiting when I was 8.

 

I saw her again when I was almost 18, because I went looking for her. Haven't seen her since; it's been 15 years.

 

If I ever get the chance to speak to her again, I would tell her that I've missed her my entire life. That her abandoning me has marked who I am as a person, both in good and bad ways.

 

And if she asked me to, I'd tell her that I forgive her. I already *do* forgive her, but, IMO, that's not something you say outloud to someone unless they ask for forgiveness.

 

My story with my dad is similar to the above. We have met more than once but very, very infrequently.

 

I did have the chance to speak with him after a life-threatening accident when we didn't know if he would make it. I told him I loved him and that I forgave him. Even though he didn't ask for forgiveness and I knew he never would, I offered it because I thought he needed to hear it. And, maybe, at some level, *I* needed to forgive him outloud and know he knew it.

[Snickerdoodle]

I have no idea.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[texasmama]

:grouphug: If the person is on a death bed and that is the reason you have one last chance to speak to him, I would advise you to think ahead a few years and imagine yourself at a place when he has been gone for a while. What do you wish you had said? Or asked? Then say that. Even when a relationship is very good, in my experience, there can be regrets about things unsaid. If the person is not on a deathbed, then I would not assume I had only one chance to speak to him so my thoughts are coming from that perspective.:grouphug:

[Miss Marple]

"Thank you for giving me life."

 

Anything more would depend on the situation (deathbed, just meeting, etc.) Can you comment on any family resemblance (if there is any)?

 

I'm not sure I could have a "bare my soul" discussion with a stranger; maybe if you have more time (again the circumstance here is the guide, IMO).

Edited December 28, 2010 by CynthiaOK

[prairiegirl]

I have no words, only :grouphug:, lots of :grouphug:

[newbie]

I think if it was going to be only one last chance, I'd take a pass.

 

Me too.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would tell him that I forgive him.

[Becca211]

Mine died when I was 3 so I did know him till then. I even have some memories. I would want him to see my husband and kids and know that I have always loved and missed him.

 

This....except I was 9. It would be all about seeing my kids and husband, for him to know what my life is.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I forgot to ask my father the name of his beloved cow, the one he cared for, milked, and took the milk around to sell the neighbors twice a day when he was a boy.

 

I also forgot to ask him if he, at any point, worried about the outcome of WWII.

 

The last time I saw Papa, eating lunch at his new retirement home, I wrote out on his board (his hearing was iffy) how much I appreciated his parenting, and how it helped me be a better mother. His mind cheerfully wandered into thinking I was my sister, and I looked around at his new surroundings and realized we'd moved him into someplace that looked like a cruise ship. He spent his last 2 months on a cruise ship in the middle of Kansas. :)

[mama2cntrykids]

That's a hard question. I got teary just reading the responses, because it hits so close to home with me. My dad left my mom when she was pregnant with me (she was 18, he was 27). I didn't see him again until I was 10. It was HARD and I had A LOT of hard feelings. Many of which I didn't share with him. We became closer as I became an adult. I have forgiven him long ago. He died in 2005 when I was 27. It was a hard time, but not nearly as hard as when I lost my grandma two months prior to that. I just wasn't nearly as close to him as I was to my grandma. I wished we were, but we weren't.

 

That's truly a hard question hon. If you've forgiven him, tell him. I guess, tell him how you feel. If you love him, tell him. I'm sorry that I don't have much to offer. I know how hard it is though (((hugs))).