Is there another way to interpret this other than favoritism?

[Laurie4b]

I'm having a hard time with a grandparent favoring my older two sons over my younger two. I have always thought it was there, but up to this point fairly subtle; however, for Christmas (our tradition is to open gifts as they arrive), the gift card value for ds 12 and ds 14 was 3/4 the value of the gift card value to ds 18 & ds 16. (Ds 16 & 18 got gift cards to clothing stores; ds 12 & 14 got a gift card to Gamestop.) I am actually rather shocked by this because our extended family's culture is to exercise very careful even-handedness in gifts. It would be different imo, if there were physical gifts so that the value of the gift is not so obviously skewed, but gift cards make it rather blatant.

 

I know it is ignorance about the nature of video games that contributed to the giver not realizing that the gift to the younger two would end up as a family gift, not a personal gift. All video games end up in the same basket and the kids will pull out any to play with. DS 16 is the biggest video game player so he'll get the most benefit; ds 14 doesn't play much; ds 12 plays pretty often. (Again, giver didn't know this part on the one hand; on the other hand, dh was asked what they wanted and he relayed it--it wasn't this.)

 

I am upset by the disparity, but there isn't even a silver lining in the nature of the gift for ds 14 . Is there another way to look at it other than as favoritism? I'm trying to keep from jumping to conclusions, but I'm feeling protective toward my younger ones. So if you can see it another way, I'd be glad to hear that.

 

ETA: Thanks for everyone's responses. Though the gift disparity is a departure from the extended family practice of decades (including GP's practice) ,which is what was so shocking to me (and though I didn't say this initially, it came within 2 weeks of an outright nasty episode that was impacting my perception) , seeing that so many other families have graduated giving practices opens the possiblity that perhaps GP has talked with friends and adapted a new practice without telling us or perhaps thought the clothing would be more expensive.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Laurie4b1

[Parrothead]

What you described does not sound like favoritism to me. It sounds like a grandparent knowing that maybe older kids are moving away from games into things like clothes, jewelery, etc.

 

In that situation and depending on the store clothing can cost a lot more than a game. Going to Macy's for one outfit will easily cost close to triple the price of a video game.

 

You said yourself that this particular grandparent does not know well the dynamics of your family. Give the grandparent a break. Maybe an invitation and a train ticket for grandparent to your house to spend some time with your family might be in order.

[Aggie]

What you described does not sound like favoritism to me. It sounds like a grandparent knowing that maybe older kids are moving away from games into things like clothes, jewelery, etc.

 

In that situation and depending on the store clothing can cost a lot more than a game. Going to Macy's for one outfit will easily cost close to triple the price of a video game.

 

This was one of my thoughts as well.

 

Do the older ds write thank you notes while the younger ones do not? Does gp think that younger ds are spoiled and is trying to make up for that (incorrect) perception?

 

Another scenario, depending on the age of the grandparent(s), is they buy 2 cards, forget what they spent, then buy the next 2 and don't even realize there is a discrepancy.

 

Sorry y'all are having to deal with this.:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

What you described does not sound like favoritism to me. It sounds like a grandparent knowing that maybe older kids are moving away from games into things like clothes, jewelery, etc.

 

In that situation and depending on the store clothing can cost a lot more than a game. Going to Macy's for one outfit will easily cost close to triple the price of a video game.

 

You said yourself that this particular grandparent does not know well the dynamics of your family. Give the grandparent a break. Maybe an invitation and a train ticket for grandparent to your house to spend some time with your family might be in order.

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

My grandparents always increased the monetary value as the kids aged in our family for birthdays and Christmas. Maybe this is the case??

 

:iagree:, although in my case it was parents, not grandparents. It wasn't like the elder two got something nice and the younger two were ignored....which we have read about on this board numerous times. Unless there is some nastiness from these GP, I would think nothing of it.

[Paige]

My grandparents always increased the monetary value as the kids aged in our family for birthdays and Christmas. Maybe this is the case??

 

That's how many of my relatives did things too. We always looked forward to turning 10 when the money started to go up with our ages! Under 10s all got the same amount.

[myfunnybunch]

My grandparents always increased the monetary value as the kids aged in our family for birthdays and Christmas. Maybe this is the case??

 

This was my first thought. Maybe they are seeing 16 & 18 as near-adults and budgeted a little more for them, knowing that clothing is expensive?

 

Cat

[Unicorn.]

What you described does not sound like favoritism to me. It sounds like a grandparent knowing that maybe older kids are moving away from games into things like clothes, jewelery, etc.

 

In that situation and depending on the store clothing can cost a lot more than a game. Going to Macy's for one outfit will easily cost close to triple the price of a video game.

 

You said yourself that this particular grandparent does not know well the dynamics of your family. Give the grandparent a break. Maybe an invitation and a train ticket for grandparent to your house to spend some time with your family might be in order.

 

:iagree:

[Tap]

Have you considered asking if the 16yo and 14yo want to swap gift cards? Maybe even buy out the difference personally if you choose to?

 

I see this happen in my own family as well and it is due to the age difference. I get irritated because they will give the same amount to dn18, dn16, and ds16 but then give less to dd12/dd4. I don't think it is fair to group dd12 with dd4 instead of the teens. When they are all together she is included with them for all activities and so she sees the $$ difference. It would even be different if she had her own $$ category, but to group her with the 4yo is odd to me.

 

 

Another thought for you is the family culture you mentioned.....is there a magic age of 'manhood' in this culture like 15yo and once they are that age they will move up in the $$ category?

 

 

I have already made up my mind that $$ to my grand kids will be a direct calculation based on age, so these things are not an issue.

[Julie in CA]

I'm sorry you're upset. :grouphug:

Still, I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that it was favoritism. I would have assumed a couple of things:

Older kids will probably receive higher $ gifts than youngers.

Grandparents don't necessarily know which things will be enjoyed in what way, especially when it comes to technology (video games, etc.)

 

I would probably have viewed it as a good time to reinforce to my dc that the value of a gift lies not in what it is, or how much it cost, or how good of a "fit" it is for the person receiving it, but is rather in the fact that someone cared enough to remember at all, whether or not they got the details right. What a great chance to teach gratitude! Your dc will pick up on your attitude about this. You can never go wrong by taking the high road and choosing to focus on gratitude. It really seems to crowd everything else out when I focus on the positive. :001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

My oldest ds regularly gets gifts that are worth more than what his younger siblings get. It's an age thing. For example, this year he got Windows 7 for Christmas from my mom and the 12yo is getting a gift card to Bass Pro Shops. I guarantee you his gift card will not be anywhere near $200!

 

I expect as ds 12 gets older, his gifts will be more expensive and the oldest's will decline (as he moves into the adult years.)

[Harriet Vane]

My in-laws have always been scrupulously fair in their gift giving and in their grandparenting/parenting in general. They are lovely, lovely people whom we all just adore.

 

They do give more $$$ value to older kids in the family. Mil was open with me about this--the stuff older kids like is more expensive, the clothes that will fit their nearly-adult bodies are more expensive. Therefore more money is necessary for the olders to get a "good" gift just as the youngers do. It's my in-laws way of keeping things fair rather than depriving the olders of just as nice a Christmas as the youngers.

[Tammyla]

I would ignore the dollar amounts, and likely go purchase gifts for each child vs. giving the cards if I felt it would be better.

 

You most likely wont know the motive behind it, so just do what makes your family happy.

[Laurie4b]

 

You said yourself that this particular grandparent does not know well the dynamics of your family. Give the grandparent a break. Maybe an invitation and a train ticket for grandparent to your house to spend some time with your family might be in order.

 

This grandparent does not come visit because of beliefs about appropriate pet care. We do all the visiting and have for years. The dog is welcome here, but we cannot afford to give a gift at the level of pet care for the 2 cats that is considered acceptable by this GP. ( Over the years it has changed from a pet-sitter checking on the cats twice a day to 24 hour live-in care when my sister was in crisis and she went there. ) . GP will not ask a neighbor to check in on pets. GP is well off. GP has a friend who visits this area often and has offered rides. We have given up hoping for a visit. We do what we can within our financial means to keep up direct contact via visits, but it is totally one-sided.

[mommaduck]

I'm sorry you're upset. :grouphug:

Still, I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that it was favoritism. I would have assumed a couple of things:

Older kids will probably receive higher $ gifts than youngers.

Grandparents don't necessarily know which things will be enjoyed in what way, especially when it comes to technology (video games, etc.)

 

I would probably have viewed it as a good time to reinforce to my dc that the value of a gift lies not in what it is, or how much it cost, or how good of a "fit" it is for the person receiving it, but is rather in the fact that someone cared enough to remember at all, whether or not they got the details right. What a great chance to teach gratitude! Your dc will pick up on your attitude about this. You can never go wrong by taking the high road and choosing to focus on gratitude. It really seems to crowd everything else out when I focus on the positive. :001_smile:

:iagree:

 

I think it's more of an age=responsibility thing. The older children will naturally receive either more monetarily or a higher ticket item.

[unsinkable]

Laurie,

 

:grouphug: I can understand how you'd feel bad. Plus that the GP won't visit you over concern for the cats. :confused: That makes it tough.

 

I'd try to "even" up the gifts somehow, what ever way would work best for your family.

 

It would be easy for me to say "Let go of your hurt" and especially ironic coming from me (I have Irish Alzheimer's -- it's when you forget everything except who you are mad at!) But maybe try to look at it as a basic gift for the family and do what you can to make them meaningful for your kids.

 

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

My grandparents always increased the monetary value as the kids aged in our family for birthdays and Christmas. Maybe this is the case??

 

If it is, it is new. The extended family culture is such that everything has always been scrupulously evenly divided . So there is not a level at which you receive X amt at age 12, and Y amount at age 16 or whatever. So if that's the explanation, it came out of the blue.

 

It fits into other things over the years and more recently as well--for instance, GP has a set of 4 paintings. They are hung as a set, but each could stand separately. Years ago, it was stated one would be inherited by each boy. At our last visit, it was stated that they would all be left to the eldest. ( And it is not a matter of other things going instead to other kids.) This was said without regard for whether it would be overheard. I don't think it is dementia because GP's mind appears very sharp and GP continues to be invited to play high level tournament bridge.

 

All the kids are respectful and affectionate toward GP.

 

GP does not paticularly like children nor understand them, so it is true that as they age, GP relates to them better. This was true of GP's own children. GP has been a much better GP than parent. This just appeared to be another instance of overt favoritism , and following on the painting issue which happened this fall, seemed to be a new pattern. (As I've said, other things have been less blatant over the years, but the pattern was still there.)

 

But I guess I'll contemplate that there is a new standard whereby there is now a demarcation in the amount of gift-giving somewhere between 14 and 16. And though it's sad that GP doesn't know enough about younger gc to know that they are now "teens" and into clothes as well, that GP may have been thinking that clothes would be more expensive. It was an Old Navy card, so they are actually cheaper than the video games at this time of year, but GP has never set foot in Old Navy or Game Stop, so wouldn't know. Thanks. This has helped some. (As another poster picked up, the issue of GP never returning visits is an underlying hurt that has been going on for years and colors things.)

Edited December 20, 2010 by Laurie4b

[clementine]

The difference in gift amounts might be hurtful to the kids. To them it just isn't 'fair'.

 

One reason I could see for the difference is this: $15 at GameStop will buy a game easily, ours has many for $14.99 and $20 at a clothing store would by an item of clothing. Often, clothes will be priced at $19.99. I'm not sure what amounts the cards are in, but maybe it was because of the store that there was a difference.?

 

Just trying to give the grandparents the benefit of the doubt. Although, if there was history of favoritism then this idea goes out the window. :tongue_smilie:

[Laurie4b]

Laurie,

 

:grouphug: I can understand how you'd feel bad. Plus that the GP won't visit you over concern for the cats. :confused: That makes it tough.

 

I'd try to "even" up the gifts somehow, what ever way would work best for your family.

 

It would be easy for me to say "Let go of your hurt" and especially ironic coming from me (I have Irish Alzheimer's -- it's when you forget everything except who you are mad at!) But maybe try to look at it as a basic gift for the family and do what you can to make them meaningful for your kids.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks--yeah, the context of the cats, etc. does certainly color my feelings in general. There has been a level of deep hurt there for years.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Tess in the Burbs]

well at least they all got a gift of some amount. My Ds has a Christmas birthday.

 

Every year the inlaws come about dd's birthday and give her gifts or cash.

 

Every year ds is lucky if he gets a Christmas present from same inlaws much less a birthday card or present. I don't care about money or presents but at least acknowledge his birthday with a card!!! It upsets me they remember one kid birthday and come every year to celebrate but never anything for Ds birthday. He's old enough to notice too.

[Laurie4b]

well at least they all got a gift of some amount. My Ds has a Christmas birthday.

 

Every year the inlaws come about dd's birthday and give her gifts or cash.

 

Every year ds is lucky if he gets a Christmas present from same inlaws much less a birthday card or present. I don't care about money or presents but at least acknowledge his birthday with a card!!! It upsets me they remember one kid birthday and come every year to celebrate but never anything for Ds birthday. He's old enough to notice too.

 

That has got to hurt your Mama's heart. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Another scenario, depending on the age of the grandparent(s), is they buy 2 cards, forget what they spent, then buy the next 2 and don't even realize there is a discrepancy.

 

:

 

Though this GP generally has a memory like a steel trap, there was about a week's difference in the time the cards arrived. I could suggest that "GP may have forgotten" as a possible explanation, though. Since my kids are used to their own mother's poor memory, this might fly.

[Parrothead]

This grandparent does not come visit because of beliefs about appropriate pet care. We do all the visiting and have for years. The dog is welcome here, but we cannot afford to give a gift at the level of pet care for the 2 cats that is considered acceptable by this GP. ( Over the years it has changed from a pet-sitter checking on the cats twice a day to 24 hour live-in care when my sister was in crisis and she went there. ) . GP will not ask a neighbor to check in on pets. GP is well off. GP has a friend who visits this area often and has offered rides. We have given up hoping for a visit. We do what we can within our financial means to keep up direct contact via visits, but it is totally one-sided.

Oh! You have one of those older people in your family. You're just going to have to realize it isn't you or your family. Eccentrics need a bit of patience and eye rolling. Smile, have the kids write thank you notes and be patient. It will all be okay in the end.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Parrothead

[texasmama]

Haven't read any of the other replies, but I think I would take it as the grandparents giving more value with gift cards to the older ones due them being older. If the gift cards were markedly different in value (say 1/2 of the value of the olders' cards), that would ding my radar more.

 

However, if there is a history of favoritism, then I would believe that this is more of the same, whether that was in reality the case or not...because the precedent has been set and my feelings would be at the ready to be hurt for my younger two.

 

This would be a very hard situation to address.:grouphug:

[Miss Marple]

My dh's parents have a sort of birth order way of thinking. In their worldview, the oldest child (male) has more clout when the family divides the estate. I don't know where he came up with this thinking because he isn't of any ethnic background where this is the norm. He refers to Old Testament stories to validate his beliefs. It is interesting that he is the oldest child in his family; but his own youngest son is the caregiver for them (that would be my dh)

 

Based on my experiences with GPs and with boys of similar age span (20, 18, 16, 14.5) and with no particular relationship problems with GPs I would tend to think that the GP thought that the older boys' "stuff" would be more expensive because they are more "adult" and the younger boys' "stuff" is cheaper because they are still "kids". I could see my parents doing something similar (although the picture issue you wrote about is rather odd and I don't think my parents would do that).

 

If this had been done in my family, I would laugh it off with the boys and try to put their GPs in the best light possible (usually something like "GP is getting a little odd these days") and then let the boys trade cards if desired. Maybe your 16 year old would really like the GameStop card even if it is for less money.

[Miss Marple]

Oh, ugh! BTDT. Dh's parents couldn't be bothered to come see dh (their son) when he had open heart surgery for a huge aneurysm and an aortic arch replacement. They didn't deem it important enough or their dil and 4 young grandchildren (all under 10) important enough to find a kennel for their dog. They could have brought the dog as they had in the past - they just couldn't be bothered to travel 600 miles. They told us that God told them dh would be fine and they were happy to leave it all at that.

 

You've got some eccentric grandparents who have some odd ideas. You won't change them. And sometimes it's not even worth trying to explain things to the kids beyond, "well, they're just a little odd".

 

Have a wonderful Christmas in spite of the grandparents!

[Julie in CA]

We do what we can within our financial means to keep up direct contact via visits, but it is totally one-sided.

And yet, your children were remembered via Christmas gifts? How odd....maybe it's less one-sided than you think. There are a variety of reasons why older people stay close to home, and often they use whatever excuse they can grasp in order to do so.

 

{I'm asking this next part as a friend giving you a hug and a smile, you're just not here irl to see it...:grouphug::001_smile:}

 

Would it be at all possible for you to emotionally work through this to the point where you accept the other person's foibles and come out grateful for what the relationship really is, rather than what you wish it was? It's an elderly person who expresses their care in ways that you find...not up to standards. Nothing in what you described of GP's behavior sounds especially malevolent or even mean.

 

You can take the high road, be a person who deliberately chooses to overlook these little things, bear with GP's inadequacies with kindness in order to focus on the positive in life, and teach your dc to do the same. Wouldn't you rather be that, than someone who notices each dollar, holds resentment towards people who may indeed be doing the best they're able (whether or not your personal standards have deemed that to be the case), and have that be what your dc learn from this situation? I'm not seeing the up-side to noticing GP's shortfailings, but I can see a lot of benefits to being the "bigger person" here.

[Pippen]

When I suspect that gifts coming in from out of town relatives might be uneven, I make it a point for the kids not to open them together.

 

My problem usually isn't that gifts are financially uneven, it's that the youngest is a girl and several times money has been sent to the boys and a gift picked out for my daughter (because the giver loved shopping for little girls). Once I just added cash to her gift because I knew it wasn't going to go over well. Shhhh... no one needs to know that. ;)

 

Honestly my kids have never expressed concern over gifts being financially uneven from anyone, as long as they got something they really wanted. They're a lot happier with the $15 video game they wanted than the $50 gift they didn't.

[Crimson Wife]

Perhaps the thinking is that the clothing will be handed down to younger siblings as it gets outgrown? My relatives and in-laws are guilty of this. They'll send all kinds of outfits to my oldest and to DS but hardly anything to younger DD. They just assume she'll wear her hand-me-downs (which she often does but for a while she was out-of-sync with the seasons so I did need some additional clothes).