S/O Texting while driving - When are you done parenting a child?

[Cindyz]

I'm curious because my son is only 6 and I cannot imagine feeling that once he is 14 or 18 or some magic age that he no longer needs or will accept parenting, and my response to the question would be "Never". Am I really completely clueless to believe this? I'd love to hear from those with littles when you think you'll be done parenting and I'd love to hear from those with adult children the realities of if you feel you are done or if not, how your role as a parent has changed.

 

Of course I don't expect to have control of my child once he has become an adult, but I think that a parent can still offer advice, wisdom, support, and also admonishment if necessary. Also, do most 18 year olds really leave the house and live completely on their own? I know some do, but do most? I think most still rely on their parents financially for awhile, and that alone gives us some control over what goes on in their lives.

 

...looking forward to the responses. :)

[Carrie12345]

My kids are still 12 and under but, from an adult child perspective, I often feel like I lack "parenting". Not that I feel it's my mother's job to tell me what to do or anything. She's just not one to offer up any advice.

 

One example - She never once mentioned breastfeeding to me until my fourth baby was a year old and weaned. I just always assumed she had ff'ed all of us since I don't remember otherwise and she never offered encouragement (or discouragement) when I dealt with bf'ing issues.

 

I'm sure part of the reason is the fact that I "But," and "What if" all the time, and she takes that as an insult rather than conversational debate, but it's still hard.

 

I hope my kids will always want to bounce thoughts, decisions, and ideas off of me, and I hope I have the wisdom to know when to speak up and when to shut up! ;)

 

ETA: I know not all of my kids will be out at 18, but I operate under the premise that they will, just so I can feel that all the bases have been covered!

[Cindyz]

My kids are still 12 and under but, from an adult child perspective, I often feel like I lack "parenting". Not that I feel it's my mother's job to tell me what to do or anything. She's just not one to offer up any advice.

 

One example - She never once mentioned breastfeeding to me until my fourth baby was a year old and weaned. I just always assumed she had ff'ed all of us since I don't remember otherwise and she never offered encouragement (or discouragement) when I dealt with bf'ing issues.

 

I'm sure part of the reason is the fact that I "But," and "What if" all the time, and she takes that as an insult rather than conversational debate, but it's still hard.

 

I hope my kids will always want to bounce thoughts, decisions, and ideas off of me, and I hope I have the wisdom to know when to speak up and when to shut up! ;)

 

ETA: I know not all of my kids will be out at 18, but I operate under the premise that they will, just so I can feel that all the bases have been covered!

 

This was a point that I struggled with and deleted from my original posting. I felt that I was not parented enough once I reached adulthood. I feel I should have been given stronger and better advice and wisdom, and there was a time when I was very resentful and felt that they must not have really cared about me to be so lacking in so many areas. For instance regarding finances, buying a house, how credit affects your life, choosing an appropriate (useful) major in college, what to look for in a spouse, spiritual guidance, etc. I no longer hold these things against them, but I do plan to do better for my child.

[Night Elf]

Me personally? I pull way back when they start showing they can make their own decisions. For my children, that happens by the preteen years. I just don't have alot I feel I need to control in my children's lives. I parent mostly by example.

 

My dd18 was 1 inch away from moving out recently. She and her friends wanted to get an apartment together. But when they all found out how much they would have to pay for individual car insurance policies, they decided to wait until they had more money saved.

 

And personally, I never use finances as a means of controlling my children. I personally don't like that whole 'I paid for it so you have to do what I tell you' argument. My mom tried to pull that on me when I was a teen. I took off the jeans, which she was referring to at that particular time, and gave them to her. My best friend was there too. :tongue_smilie: I swore then and there that I would never, never do that to my children.

 

My dd18 works nearly full-time and pays for all her own stuff. I don't make her pay rent because this is her home and we're her family. She's showing a lot of responsibility by working a steady job and paying for her cell phone and car insurance. She has my blessing to move out anytime she feels she is ready but she will always have a home to come back to if she needs it.

 

I'm done parenting when they don't need me to parent anymore. Being there for advice, support, and encouragement is not parenting, imho. It's being there when someone you care about needs you.

[Nan in Mass]

I have older ones (23, 20, 16). We are still a family. I still parent, although in a more suggestion-oriented manner. I have upon occasion been known to throw a hissy fit about something and tell them they absolutely can't do something. Texting while driving would certainly fit into this catergory. So would other things that I think are highly likely to cause them problems. I say things like, "Wouldn't a helmet be a good idea?" Sometimes I close my eyes and try not to think about the dangerous things they are doing. If it is more of a life-style choice sort of thing, I might point out the pitfalls but I would do it in a manner that would make it obvious that I am expecting them to make their own decisions. The 16yo is pretty much old enough to fall into the same catergory as the older ones. None of them are financially independent and we don't expect them to be until they are through college. In our household, you either work or go to school after the age of 5 or 6, but there is nothing that says you have to be out and on your own, ever. If you are working full time, you pay house money. This can happen at any age. These are the same rules I grew up with. My parents are still parenting me. Their parents parented them until they died. I remember noticing it when I was a teenager. There is a fine line between intrusive parenting and helpful parenting. For some reason, my own parents are very good at walking that line. I hope I am as good. : )

-Nan

[Danestress]

I have a 22 year old and am sometimes amazed at the amount of parenting we are still doing. It's amazing to me some of the things he still needs mentoring on. I wonder sometimes if it's our fault for not teaching certain things when he was younger. Just as an example, I think he thought that when he graduated from college, everyone would be so impressed by that that he would be offered a job on a platter, unpursued by himself. He's getting a reality check now.

 

So we have had to sort of do "career search 101" with him. Yes. I think college offered job search 101 at the career placement office. I think he was lazy and din't not pursue this when he should have. I think he knows he sort of blew it. He does have a job and work long hours, but he does not have a professional career and he could have and should have.

 

He still needs some relationship coaching. He still needs some "how to interact with annoying people" coaching. He needs some "How to budget" guidance. He doesn't really ask for this guidance, but he accepts it if it's timed just right.

 

He is a safety freak, so our issues are different than the original poster's on texting. He would not text while driving on a bet. I never have to remind him to have a designated driver if he's going to drink. There are certain things he totally "gets" and other things that he needs guidance on, and it's sort of discouraging to me that some of those things seem so obvious. The other day, he got really mad at his brothers for calling his cell phone when he was in a meeting with his boss. It wasn't a normal work time, so they didn't know he was in that meeting. But I swear, he acted like he had no concept of "turn off your cell phone during a meeting." He said, "what if there is an emergency? What if you needed me?"

 

So I do still think kids in their 20s need some parenting. But you know what? Some of them really won't accept it. They don't have to either. We can control what we do (will we give them money? Let them live with us?) but we can't necessary control what they do. Some kids want parental advice, some don't. I've never read a post on this board one time ever saying, "I am so glad my mother-in-law gives me lots of advice about raising my children. She's so much more experienced than me, and in the end, I know I need to hear her viewpoint."

 

We all decide at different ages that our parents need to mind their own business. I probably was under-parented in my 20s. There were things they just let me learn for myself. On the other hand, they have always been experts at minding their own business, so I think their methodology was okay.

[Cindyz]

Me personally? I pull way back when they start showing they can make their own decisions. For my children, that happens by the preteen years. I just don't have alot I feel I need to control in my children's lives. I parent mostly by example.

 

My dd18 was 1 inch away from moving out recently. She and her friends wanted to get an apartment together. But when they all found out how much they would have to pay for individual car insurance policies, they decided to wait until they had more money saved.

 

And personally, I never use finances as a means of controlling my children. I personally don't like that whole 'I paid for it so you have to do what I tell you' argument. My mom tried to pull that on me when I was a teen. I took off the jeans, which she was referring to at that particular time, and gave them to her. My best friend was there too. :tongue_smilie: I swore then and there that I would never, never do that to my children.

 

My dd18 works nearly full-time and pays for all her own stuff. I don't make her pay rent because this is her home and we're her family. She's showing a lot of responsibility by working a steady job and paying for her cell phone and car insurance. She has my blessing to move out anytime she feels she is ready but she will always have a home to come back to if she needs it.

 

I'm done parenting when they don't need me to parent anymore. Being there for advice, support, and encouragement is not parenting, imho. It's being there when someone you care about needs you.

 

 

Thank you for your post. I don't have experience with using finances as a means of control because I actually was financially independent once I turned 18 due to a trust fund to pay for my college and expenses. I definitely see what you mean. But what if you were paying for your adult child's car or insurance and you found out that they were drag racing, would you still continue to pay for it? I guess I didn't really mean, "you will do as I say or I will not buy you new clothes", but would you cut off financial support if more serious things were going on. For example, would you continue to pay an adult child's expenses if you knew they were using drugs?

 

I really liked how you said you parent by example. That one is admittedly more difficult to do as I know we are not perfect by any means, although we do try. :D However, I think this is a very very important point.

[Renee in NC]

Me personally? I pull way back when they start showing they can make their own decisions. For my children, that happens by the preteen years. I just don't have alot I feel I need to control in my children's lives. I parent mostly by example.

 

My dd18 was 1 inch away from moving out recently. She and her friends wanted to get an apartment together. But when they all found out how much they would have to pay for individual car insurance policies, they decided to wait until they had more money saved.

 

And personally, I never use finances as a means of controlling my children. I personally don't like that whole 'I paid for it so you have to do what I tell you' argument. My mom tried to pull that on me when I was a teen. I took off the jeans, which she was referring to at that particular time, and gave them to her. My best friend was there too. :tongue_smilie: I swore then and there that I would never, never do that to my children.

 

My dd18 works nearly full-time and pays for all her own stuff. I don't make her pay rent because this is her home and we're her family. She's showing a lot of responsibility by working a steady job and paying for her cell phone and car insurance. She has my blessing to move out anytime she feels she is ready but she will always have a home to come back to if she needs it.

 

I'm done parenting when they don't need me to parent anymore. Being there for advice, support, and encouragement is not parenting, imho. It's being there when someone you care about needs you.

 

:iagree: This is it. It isn't that they won't need me anymore once they are some magical age, but rather that the focus changes. Even with my 17yo, I can give him all the advice in the world, but when it comes down to it he is going to do what he wants to do. College planning is a good example - I have told him what *I* think would be best for him, but he'll go where he chooses. I'll help anyway I can, even if it doesn't choose the way I think he should.

 

I'll answer some of the other questions for me. I don't plan to be paying for their insurance at all - if they want a car, they need a job. *If* the car were for my convenience instead of theirs, then I might pay it, but that would stop if I knew they were drag racing or texting and driving. I would not pay expenses for those actively doing drugs (but I would pay for rehab if I was able.)

 

There are some things that are non-negotiable and he knows what those are. Most involve moral issues that we don't agree on.;) I cannot do anything that will violate my morals and I won't - not even for him.:D

 

To me, offering advice and mentoring isn't parenting. I will not micromanage or over-control my teens or young adults, which is something that seems to be common.

[Renee in NC]

Providing guidance, perspective, advice, and love kind of parenting--never stops.

 

That's what my Dad just said (we are discussing this thread here.) The kind of parenting that *does* go away is telling them what to do and requiring things of them that go beyond basic common courtesy.

[Parrothead]

I don't imagine I have many more years left. Actually dd is pretty self-sufficient now. We still have to work on cooking skills and street smarts but both will come with time. Other than those dh and I are mainly here now to catch her when/if she falls.

 

Also we are not planning on shoving her out of the house when she turns 18.

[MamaT]

I have found that my relationship with my older children has changed into "advice when they ask for it." Thankfully, we still have a close relationship with them and they will talk with us about decisions they are making, things they are thinking about, etc. My oldest son is married and my 2nd son is a Marine, so they are independent, but know they will always have a home here if they need it. My oldest son lived here until his wedding. He was 24.

[LND1218]

I don't believe parenting ever stops it only changes what it does. My 2 year old needs a different parent than my 12 year old does. And so on.. I think it's important to understand how the role changes over their life and with their needs. We certainly aren't going to be wiping the noses of our 32 year old adult children, but I think parents can play a vital role in helping adult children make wise choices and such.

 

Unfortunately, "parenting" is a negative to most people. It seems synonymous with overbearing or controlling. I don't want that to be the case with my kids. I think it can be a positive healthy relationship until I die. I know that I lacked parenting as an adult.

[Mama Geek]

I'm curious because my son is only 6 and I cannot imagine feeling that once he is 14 or 18 or some magic age that he no longer needs or will accept parenting, and my response to the question would be "Never". Am I really completely clueless to believe this? I'd love to hear from those with littles when you think you'll be done parenting and I'd love to hear from those with adult children the realities of if you feel you are done or if not, how your role as a parent has changed.

 

Of course I don't expect to have control of my child once he has become an adult, but I think that a parent can still offer advice, wisdom, support, and also admonishment if necessary. Also, do most 18 year olds really leave the house and live completely on their own? I know some do, but do most? I think most still rely on their parents financially for awhile, and that alone gives us some control over what goes on in their lives.

 

...looking forward to the responses. :)

 

I haven't read everyone else's posts...but there does come a time that you have to be much more careful about this. My MIL still thinks she should have say in what my 40 something dh does. From haircuts, to managing money, to raising dd. She is very pushy and it is generally controlling and not helpful. It drives both of us nuts. My FIL generally offers advice if asked or if he is seriously concerned about something. This comes across much more loving because he isn't trying to control things.

[Joanne]

I give my kids the greatest possible responsibility and autonomy that matches their developmental stage, personality and history of compentency.

 

Not only do I expect my parenting role to change dramatically, it already has. My kids are 15, 14 (in 2 weeks) and nearly 12.

 

At their ages, I still impose and inform and admonish. However, those will be exceedingly rare as time goes on. I will typically only offer feedback if solicited.

 

My parents made some mistakes when we were kids. They were excellent, supportive and non invasive parents of adults.

[Heather in Neverland]

Never. I am 40yo and I still look to my mom for advice. She will always be my mom and I will always need her. I will always be here to give advice to my children as long as God keeps me here.

[Starr]

I'm curious because my son is only 6 and I cannot imagine feeling that once he is 14 or 18 or some magic age that he no longer needs or will accept parenting, and my response to the question would be "Never". Am I really completely clueless to believe this? I'd love to hear from those with littles when you think you'll be done parenting and I'd love to hear from those with adult children the realities of if you feel you are done or if not, how your role as a parent has changed.

 

Of course I don't expect to have control of my child once he has become an adult, but I think that a parent can still offer advice, wisdom, support, and also admonishment if necessary. Also, do most 18 year olds really leave the house and live completely on their own? I know some do, but do most? I think most still rely on their parents financially for awhile, and that alone gives us some control over what goes on in their lives.

 

...looking forward to the responses. :)

 

I don't think you have any control over when they quit accepting parenting once they are 18. Many a great parent has had young adults who haven't made good decisions.

[Cedarmom]

My son is 19, freshman in college. Mainly my parenting is advice, rather than direcmtion. I sometimes feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I think he needs to make decisions/choices on his own. But at what point would the conswequences besevere enough for me to pull the mom card? He is getting good grades in school, but what if (like some friends) he starts slacking? Do I pull the I'm paying for it card. Tomorrow I think he will want to go to movie with friends. There is ice on the ground, and it might snow more. I would rather he didn't go-but he says it will be fine. I'm just hoping other parents say no and I don't have to decide. On cell phone/texting while driving-he uses the family car and I told him if he ever used the cell phone while driving he would no longer use our car. That has been the rule since he started driving. Thankfully, my son listens to my advice-that is when parents have heartbreak is when their kids no longer value their advice.

[Renee in NC]

My son is 19, freshman in college. Mainly my parenting is advice, rather than direcmtion. I sometimes feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I think he needs to make decisions/choices on his own. But at what point would the conswequences besevere enough for me to pull the mom card? He is getting good grades in school, but what if (like some friends) he starts slacking? Do I pull the I'm paying for it card. Tomorrow I think he will want to go to movie with friends. There is ice on the ground, and it might snow more. I would rather he didn't go-but he says it will be fine. I'm just hoping other parents say no and I don't have to decide. On cell phone/texting while driving-he uses the family car and I told him if he ever used the cell phone while driving he would no longer use our car. That has been the rule since he started driving. Thankfully, my son listens to my advice-that is when parents have heartbreak is when their kids no longer value their advice.

 

After discussing this with several other people, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing set in stone. All my children are different - some are ready to be grown younger than others. Some may *want* parenting later - we'll have to weigh their want of parenting against their need for self-reliance (and that is still a parenting decision, right?:tongue_smilie:) Situations are different. Personalities are different.

 

I just want to give them as much "rope" as I can as young as I can so that they can learn most of their life skills while I am still their "cushion." I don't think I'll push any out of the nest at 18, but there does come a time where the children in question may make decisions that we can't support. I can still respect my adult child's decision while not supporting it.

 

I imagine that 10 years from now my views on this will be as different as they were 10 years ago.;) I just hope to have children who respect what I have to say as much as I respect what they have to say, KWIM?

[Joker]

I think still giving wanted advice is much different than active parenting. My parents continue to give advice when asked (my dad did till his death and my mom still does) but they don't do what I would call "parent". My mom doesn't agree with homeschooling but she doesn't try to parent me ~ she accepts that I am an adult and make the decisions for my family and she tries to support me. I watched my granddad try to actively parent my dad and none of his grandkids thought very well of him. We respected our dad and didn't like how our granddad came across.

[Nestof3]

Update. My son says he has stopped texting while driving. He offered up that info to me tonight.

[angela in ohio]

My parents raised me with the philosophy that once I hit high school, I was pretty much on my own, and they "stayed out of my life/ let me be me." Ugh. It took me until my early thirties to overcome that.

 

We started at about age 12 moving along a gradual continuum that will end with us being adult peers rather than parent/child. My dc are actually pretty adult for their age in many ways: very responsible, hard workers, level headed, not easily influenced by culture, etc. I still plan to help guide them through their choices until they are in college, though, and even a little then.

 

I am amazed when I read autobiographies and writings from early American history. The parents of grown men had a profound effect on their lives. Their fathers were often still their main advisors long after they had careers and their own family. I know a lot of people seek that out (I did,) because they don't get it from their parents. I plan to provide that for my dc. It will take a lot of maturity, though, to do it without taking over. I am working on learning that now in smaller ways, so that I will be prepared for it later.

 

Our main plan is "be so awesome and loving that they can't help but still want us around." :D We are trying, even now, to be more magnet and less fence. :001_smile:

Edited November 24, 2010 by angela in ohio
typo

[J-rap]

***

Edited March 1, 2023 by J-rap

[cathmom]

Update. My son says he has stopped texting while driving. He offered up that info to me tonight.

 

Woohoo!!!

[lllll]

..

[Renee in NC]

I completely agree that 18 is NOT an age where suddenly, magically, a child is an adult and can make all of his/her own decisions. I have seen many parents do this (give complete independence over to the child at age 18, overnight even!), right at the point where in MY mind, that particular child might need more parental wisdom and advice than ever! I have seen many 18-year-olds no wiser than 14-year olds, and many 16-year-olds much wiser than 18-year-olds. My point is, nothing magic happens at age 18. Each child is different, and hopefully the child will be open to parental advice and wisdom long past 18, if he/she needs it.

 

I think the thing is that at 18 they don't *have* to listen to you, so my goal is to try and make sure they can take care of themselves by that age. They may *need* my guidance and advice, but they may not be willing to take it.

 

My point is that legally, at 18, they CAN make their own decisions, regardless of what their parents think.

[angela in ohio]

I don't think you can put an age on it. But I have found that parenting (as training) does seem to die a natural death. And that it's important to have established a 'running conversation' with them well before that happens. That, and a good, solid spiritual basis seem to be what have carried us over into adult-type relationships with our grown kids.

 

Once they move out or marry, I expect the conversation will 'dim' somewhat, as their spouses and mentors (besides us, their parents) take higher priority.

 

This is so good to hear. This is what we are working on, and it's nice to see that it is working for someone further along the path. :001_smile:

[Diane1]

I have two sons 15 and 12. My 15 yo is so stubborn and doesn't like to hear our advice. I know that when he is older (early 20's), I will still be giving advice. I have to be so careful as to how I say it though. Parenting is a tough job.

[smrtmama]

I'm no longer responsible for my child's choices once s/he reaches the legal age of majority. That doesn't mean the parenting will stop then. I'll be here to guide and help my sons and daughter as long as they want it.

[Night Elf]

...but would you cut off financial support if more serious things were going on. For example, would you continue to pay an adult child's expenses if you knew they were using drugs?

 

Well, we don't believe in funding our children with cars and insurance. We did go in halvsies for her car. I told her if she saved $2000 for a car, I'd match it. But that was our cap. And we got her a great car that is paid for. She is on our insurance policy but pays for it. She's on our cell phone plan but pays for it. If she stopped paying, she'd be dropped from the policies, unless there were dire circumstances.

 

I've never had to worry about drugs. Dd18 has tried drinking. It made her sick as a dog and she doesn't care to drink. The same thing happened to me when I was 17. I'm still not a drinker. She gets her 'stomach' from me. :tongue_smilie:

 

We do pay for her high school classes. Even when she thought about moving out recently, I told her we would continue to pay for them if she wanted to do them. I do feel obligated to provide my children with an education. I definitely would not cut off her education if I found out she was doing drugs. That would be just pushing her into the gutter, IMHO. However, we do not feel obligated to fund higher education. College is a privilege in our family, not a right. We believe in working for something you find valuable.

 

And she pays for everything else: clothes, makeup, gasoline, eating out, and even things like shampoo. We didn't ask her to do these things. She feels responsible for them because she's working and she enjoys being able to pay her own way.

 

Now, her living in our home does require she follow the same house rules as everyone else in the house. But I don't ask of her anything more than what DH and I do ourselves. If she started smoking, drinking, or doing drugs in our home, I'd have to ask her to move. It would be hard but one thing I've always impressed upon my children is having respect for people around you, especially for people you live with. It's so easy for a child to say they can't wait until they grow up so they can do whatever they want. I've always let them know that isn't true. Because if it was, I'd be doing whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. But that isn't reality.

[Night Elf]

Update. My son says he has stopped texting while driving. He offered up that info to me tonight.

 

:hurray: Excellent news.

[littlebug42]

Never. I am 40yo and I still look to my mom for advice. She will always be my mom and I will always need her. I will always be here to give advice to my children as long as God keeps me here.

 

:iagree:

 

I was pretty much left to my own devices on all of the important stuff when I was a teenager. My Mom helped me pay for college but other than that I had to figure it all out for myself. I learned some very hard lessons that I would rather not see my children have to learn (and I don't think there is a need to learn them). My first instinct to answer this question was "when I am dead". I don't think that parenting has to include being overbearing.

[Lolly]

I think this depends on how you define parenting. I don't consider giving advice parenting. There is a very gradual reduction in the type of relationship that we have with our children. It is so gradual that you may not realize when that fine line is crossed between parenting and just giving advice. I'm guessing that with my girls I crossed that line around 13/14. Ds is 13 now and I see myself giving him more and more control. I suspect my really letting go of him will be in the next year or so. I don't know at what point my kids will leave home. I doubt it will be 18!!! My 18 yo has let me know that she never wants to leave. If she stays as helpful as she is now, I'm in no hurry for her to go.:D

 

Otoh, fil is still trying to parent. As a result, NONE of his kids will willingly visit him. He and I have butted heads multiple times. It is not a pretty sight.:tongue_smilie:

[phathui5]

I think most still rely on their parents financially for awhile, and that alone gives us some control over what goes on in their lives.

 

 

 

I would try to stay far away from this line of thinking. I'm on another parenting board and I was just reading today about family issues because a father in law was giving money "with strings" attached.

[Nestof3]

Then the family should refuse the money. He has the right to have strings attached -- it's his money he is giving away. Loan officers have strings attached too.

 

As husband and wife, we jointly decide how we are going to spend our money -- even if it is money my husband earns. We are a family, dependent upon one another; therefore, we cannot just do whatever we want whenever we want.

 

What happens very often when a young adult turns legal age is this:

 

"I'm an adult, you cannot tell me what to do." And in they turn around and throw their dirty clothes into the hamper. They still depend on you to do their laundry. (In my house, I am fine doing all of the laundry).

 

They can stay out all night long because they don't have to get up in the morning and do well on a job from 8-5. They don't have to earn the money to pay the bills to keep their standard of living what it had been -- food always in the pantry, Netflix ready to stream whenever, internet access, etc. In some families, this includes cell phone, using the house to entertain friends, etc.

 

If they actually had to provide for themselves in all ways, they very well might actually live in a more responsible manner -- in the manner parents continue to urge their young adults to live in.

 

Many young adults want to have their cake and eat it too. Out of one side of their mouth, they are insisting that they are independent so the parents should butt out of their lives, but out of the other, they are still asking to have all of their needs taken care of without a care of the people providing those things. Most young adults have no idea what it really means to support yourself. And they still do act like spoiled children sometimes.

 

Adult relationships cannot be like that and be healthy. When a person tries to live like that inside of a marriage -- depending upon a person for so much but refusing to contribute or refusing counsel -- it's an unhealthy marriage.

 

So, yes, as long as the young adult is living in my house, they know I have the right to be in their lives. Those young adults still have an affect on the children still living in the household. They may even still bring a financial liability to the household. They are keeping themselves in this sort of relationship by depending on us so much. When they move out, that relationship will change. Will I offer advice still? Sure. But, it will be different.

 

Will I still try to sharpen him as iron sharpens iron? Yes

 

Will I still exhort and encourage him as a brother in Christ? Yes

 

But, it will indeed be different.

 

Things for us will be different in one week when our eldest moves out.

 

 

 

I would try to stay far away from this line of thinking. I'm on another parenting board and I was just reading today about family issues because a father in law was giving money "with strings" attached.

[stephanier.1765]

Providing guidance, perspective, advice, and love kind of parenting--never stops.

 

Yep, exactly right. Even though there are times I would love to read my 22 yo and my 19 yo the riot act, the best parenting at this point is to give them quiet, loving advice. I find they will actually come seek me out for it instead of their father who still yells at them as if they are younger. Didn't work then, doesn't work now.