Do you or your dh maintain/develop friendship with

[Hannah C.]

There is one male friend I would spend a long amount of time on the phone with. This is a friend who lives far away, who I met years before my husband, and we would talk for so long only because we almost never talk.

 

I would not be comfortable with my husband going out to eat or to a movie with another woman alone. I do not think it is appropriate. My gut just doesn't like it. If I KNEW there was *NO* possibility of anything happening, I still wouldn't like it.

 

This does not mean I am never alone with a guy or he is never alone with a girl. Rather, these are not situations either of us seek out or plan for, and if they do take place it is with casual friends. Also, there are no guy friends with whom I have deep personal conversations about myself. I just wouldn't be comfortable with it. My husband does not have any intimate female friends either, just casual ones.

[3littlekeets]

Dh and I both have lots of colleagues with whom we lunch, some of the same sex -- some of the opposite sex. We are on a college campus, so we are always surrounded by "prying" eyes who could report anything untoward if they chose -- but regardless, I would be furious if my DH even suggested we limit our cross-sex friendship!

 

To me, trust has been earned -- and I would be insulted if he dared assume I would cheat on him; and the reverse would be true, as well. If for any reason I ever felt a relationship was "too close" I would certainly have the faith and brains to end it before it traveled too far. I trust DH would do the same.

[DianeW88]

We do, but since we married, they have become family friends. In fact, my whole family went to a missionary homecoming (I'm LDS) for the son of one of my old boyfriends. I spent time talking to him at the party away from my dh and he spent time talking to my old boyfriend's wife away from me. We're fine with it. We had a big sledding party at home of one of his old girlfriend's last winter. No biggie. We're all good friends.

[Impish]

I didn't finish reading the posts, so forgive me if I repeat something,

 

The only male friend I have is Wolf's cousin...and even then, I hang out with his wife far more.

 

I know my husband. A male friend situation would eat him up inside.

 

Wolf was raised believing that he was worthless, just a trophy to show off now and again. If I had a single male friend, it would totally hit his insecurities big time. And for me, its just not worth hurting my husband over

 

Just as a single male friend would bother Wolf, a single female friend for him would not go over well. At.All.

 

So I'm not perfect, and married an imperfect man to boot. Probably why we get along so well :lol:

[JadeOrchidSong]

Thank you so much for your response. I don't have male friends to hang out alone with. I only hang out with my friends and their husbands the same time.

Edited November 24, 2010 by aomom

[Alphabetika]

At this point, I would not cultivate a relationship with a man and plan to spend time with him alone. However, I do have a male friend with whom I've been friends for 35 years (i.e. since early elementary school). He and I spent time together alone while dh and I were engaged and even since we've been married, as well as him and sometimes him and his wife spending time with our family. My dh has no problem with this. Several years ago my friend and his wife moved to a different state to buy a coffeehouse. I was so happy for them because ruunning his own business has been a dream of his since we were in high school, and coffee has been a passion of his all his life. Usually when he comes back here to visit, she has to stay there to run their business, and his schedule usually means that he and I and my kids go out in the daytime while dh is at work. I realize this is not spending time alone, but my dh has no problem with that, either.

[AuntieM]

By having a friend I mean you spend time ALONE with him or her no matter what you do (having lunch or going to a movie) and you PLAN the time alone with the friend, not in group settings or social parties.

 

... much.

 

In my book, this is the very definition of "dating"! I would neither do this nor expect my husband to do this.

 

That said, I am sorry it must be this way, that in my circles anyway, there's not more freedom for cross-gender relationships. I often have topics and questions that I'd like to discuss that I know specific male acquaintences would be better at answering than any woman I know. DH has also remarked that something must be wrong with him, because the spouses of his church friends will often look away and not even say hi when passing in the hallway.

 

We all have things we look forward to experiencing in heaven. On my list is the joy of a place of deep interpersonal relationships with others, regardless of gender, with no sexual intentions to be misconstrued or restraining.

[missesd]

Nothing would ever get repaired around here if I had that policy.

 

Obviously your dh's schedule somehow allows it. Mine has the (very) rare weekend off and is barely home before 6PM.

 

It's all about priorities. It seems whenever we make something a priority, we always find a way to manage to get it done. It's the same with this. Up until recently my husband worked business hours. BUT he has been working a second job since 2006. Pizza delivery from practically the time he got off until 8-10 at night. The days varied anywhere from 3-5 days a week. Even before that though, he has had jobs where he was on call regularly. Now, though he works 10 days on, 4 days off from 8-5. Then he works Pizza Hut Th-Sa. We hardly see each other, but still we find a way to make it work :) Think about it though, beyond the essential moving in hook-ups. Generally you don't have to have a repairman out that much. I have had a plumber out 1 time in a year, same with the cable company. There is always an extended lunch, getting off early, or if non-emergent waiting the 10 days till a Saturday comes free :)

[Mom-ninja.]

No, I don't have male friends. Well, I have one. He's dh's best friend and he's become my friend. DH has told me that his best friend is the only male friend he is ok with.

 

As for dh, no he doesn't have female friends. I'd have a problem with it if he did.

 

aomom, if my dh planned lunch dates with women, I would speak to him about it. It would have to stop. Why is he seeking out a woman at church?

[kwickimom]

Heres a little story as to why we dont have opposite sex friends now.

 

My DH tried to become friends with a girl at his work. He is a surveyor, they are all guys, then his boss hires a young, pretty, girl. In the beginning it was no big deal. He had to go on calls with this girl, eat lunch with her...walk through woods into the middle of nowhere with her, etc. She was new to town and DH felt bad for her. He found out she bowhunts, as does he.....I dont.

 

Anyways, this starts becoming more than a work friendship, she starts calling just to call. Ok. She starts waiting for him after work the days she doesnt work with him. Ok. She constantly tries to get him to go shoot bows with her "because I dont." :glare: She starts to ask how he can stand only being 26 and having 2 kids and a preggo wife. :glare: She calls him while we are on vacation :glare: She calls him while I AM HAVING MY SON :001_huh: I am having major contractions and no drugs and she calls. No, she didnt know what stage of labor I was at but she knew I was headed to the hospital and she leaves a message and doesnt mention me or the baby.

 

DH is a very non confrontational person and tries to just start ignoring her. He has to be careful because this is also a coworker. Now we start to worry about how she is going to act while they are out on calls. My DH wasnt as worried as I, because he is a bit naive and has no feelings for the girl, so he thinks nothing can happen. She starts to constantly ask questions about me (not trying to be my friend, questions like "doesnt your wife feel old because she drives a minivan" things like that)

 

This escalates to her constantly flirting with him. openly. and the guys at work are talking about them and calling her his girlfriend and things. This was killing me!! I know he would never do anything, but it looked horrible and I felt like the dumb idiot wife at home with 3 kids and he was off getting high fived for having a "girlfriend" This got really uncomfortable for both of us.

 

THANKFULLY after he told her that we had enough and she had to leave him alone she quit. Those were horrible times for me, as I was preggo and then had a new baby and had to deal with her.

 

SO- my DH never cheated but emotions ran high and I felt horrible and things looked bad to outsiders. I think that certain feelings can get involved with opposite sex friendships. I am not saying that happens all time or to everyone, but there is the POSSIBILITY and we will never allow that kind of thing to go down here ever again. It is not worth it. For us one bad experience was enough.

Edited November 21, 2010 by kwickimom
typo

[texasmama]

We all have things we look forward to experiencing in heaven. On my list is the joy of a place of deep interpersonal relationships with others, regardless of gender, with no sexual intentions to be misconstrued or restraining.

 

:iagree: I really like this! As Harry in "When Harry Met Sally" said, "The sex always gets in the way." (speaking from the man's perspective...yes, I know that it is not universally true...)

[Truscifi]

It would never in a million years occur to me that having the cable guy in the house, or catching a ride to the airport with someone would have "the appearance of evil." It seems like such a sordid and sex-obsessed way of looking at things.

 

 

:iagree:

[Audrey]

We do, but since we married, they have become family friends. In fact, my whole family went to a missionary homecoming (I'm LDS) for the son of one of my old boyfriends. I spent time talking to him at the party away from my dh and he spent time talking to my old boyfriend's wife away from me. We're fine with it. We had a big sledding party at home of one of his old girlfriend's last winter. No biggie. We're all good friends.

 

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank goodness! I was starting to wonder if anyone actually, truly trusted their spouse anymore! I think yours is a great example! Obviously, you and your husband are secure in your relationship with each other and mature enough to see friendships as friendships, not avenues to adultery.

 

I think that's got to be key in how you view relationships with non-spouses. I think if there's any kind of insecurity, you will lean toward making rules and outlawing any interaction with people of the opposite sex for no other reason than that they are of the opposite sex. I think that's a rather unfortunate way to treat people -- as if they are potential for disaster simply because they were born the opposite sex of your spouse. I like to think that most people aren't out for sex all the time, and I like to believe that most good people are going to keep faithful to their spouses. I think obssessing about temptation just makes temptation all the more ... well, tempting!

[*Inna*]

We have no policy. We trust each other. We each have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Laura

We had that up until about a year and a half ago. Not anymore.

[KingM]

Most of my friends are women. Some are the spouses of male friends, but others are from my writing group of others from the theater company. I don't generally do things one on one with them, but there have been times when I've been the only man with four or five of my female friends, due to a random convergence of events. Most of these are also friends of my wife's and she also has some male friends.

 

Personally, I think it would be sad if I had to cut off a friendship simply because the other person was a woman. A couple of my friends are gay men and I wouldn't want to cut off friendship with them either simply because of some theoretical possibility of impropriety.

[phathui5]

No, dh and I do not spend time along with people of the opposite gender.

[kalanamak]

We had that up until about a year and a half ago. Not anymore.

 

:grouphug: I remember that Inna. :grouphug:

[prairie rose]

Dh and I have friends of both sexes. Always have, always will. Some are mutual friends, some are not. Some are married, some are single, some are in a relationship. From the time we were dating, we both had the same policy on infidelity, you better be absolutely sure you want the other person because you aren't coming back to me. Period. We both trust each other and neither of us has jealousy issues.

 

I didn't read all the posts but a few jumped out at me as I skimmed them. I don't consider spending time with friends and dating to be the same. Even when dh and I were dating, I still talked to, had lunch and just hung out with male friends. Dh and I did the same things before we were dating, just as friends. It wasn't until we both decided to take the friendship further that we were "dating" and then the tone, the atmosphere and the conversations of our outings together were much different than when we were friends.

 

We have a (male) friend who has had trouble finding work. We have opened our home to him until he can get back on his feet. He and I can talk for hours but there is absolutely nothing between us. I think of him like a younger brother. Anyways, I guess dh was talking with buddies at work and happened to mention our house guest and they were shocked that he had absolutely no problem with me being home all day with our friend. He basically told them, "She's had plenty of opportunities in the 12 years we've been married and 15 years we've been a couple to be unfaithful. I wouldn't do it if I didn't trust her and if I didn't trust her, how could I let her go to the grocery store or anywhere?" We both found their shock and outrage at the situation wildly amusing. ;)

Edited November 21, 2010 by prairie rose

[DarlaS]

It's all about priorities. It seems whenever we make something a priority, we always find a way to manage to get it done. It's the same with this. Up until recently my husband worked business hours. BUT he has been working a second job since 2006. Pizza delivery from practically the time he got off until 8-10 at night. The days varied anywhere from 3-5 days a week. Even before that though, he has had jobs where he was on call regularly. Now, though he works 10 days on, 4 days off from 8-5. Then he works Pizza Hut Th-Sa. We hardly see each other, but still we find a way to make it work :) Think about it though, beyond the essential moving in hook-ups. Generally you don't have to have a repairman out that much. I have had a plumber out 1 time in a year, same with the cable company. There is always an extended lunch, getting off early, or if non-emergent waiting the 10 days till a Saturday comes free :)

 

A free Saturday every ten days or so would be nice. :001_smile:

 

My dh commutes 1 hr each way (no going home for lunch with that distance), and is often working 7 days a week (12 hrs on weekdays and 8 hrs on weekends). This (mandatory) overtime is not in the least unusual in his entire 7+ year history with this company. I can count on my hand the days he's had off in the past year, and have fingers left over. :glare: (We're grateful he has a job of course, but I am getting a little cranky about them never letting him be home.:tongue_smilie:) I have to switch cars with him periodically so his can get any needed work done.

 

Now, when we need some kind of work done, I do have them come if at all possible when dh is home to discuss it first. Just to make sure we're all on the same page. That's only if dh actually cares about what's being done though. Mostly, he'd rather not be bothered with the details of washing machine repair or drywall work etc. He considers the house pretty much my domain so what I can't (or won't) diy, I hire.

[prairie rose]

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank goodness! I was starting to wonder if anyone actually, truly trusted their spouse anymore! I think yours is a great example! Obviously, you and your husband are secure in your relationship with each other and mature enough to see friendships as friendships, not avenues to adultery.

 

I think that's got to be key in how you view relationships with non-spouses. I think if there's any kind of insecurity, you will lean toward making rules and outlawing any interaction with people of the opposite sex for no other reason than that they are of the opposite sex. I think that's a rather unfortunate way to treat people -- as if they are potential for disaster simply because they were born the opposite sex of your spouse. I like to think that most people aren't out for sex all the time, and I like to believe that most good people are going to keep faithful to their spouses. I think obssessing about temptation just makes temptation all the more ... well, tempting!

 

:iagree: I've always had more male friends than female friends. I would not be very happy if my husband did not approve of me being friends with other guys. ;)

[missesd]

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank goodness! I was starting to wonder if anyone actually, truly trusted their spouse anymore! I think yours is a great example! Obviously, you and your husband are secure in your relationship with each other and mature enough to see friendships as friendships, not avenues to adultery.

 

I think that's got to be key in how you view relationships with non-spouses. I think if there's any kind of insecurity, you will lean toward making rules and outlawing any interaction with people of the opposite sex for no other reason than that they are of the opposite sex. I think that's a rather unfortunate way to treat people -- as if they are potential for disaster simply because they were born the opposite sex of your spouse. I like to think that most people aren't out for sex all the time, and I like to believe that most good people are going to keep faithful to their spouses. I think obssessing about temptation just makes temptation all the more ... well, tempting!

 

Honestly, for us that's not it at all. It's about making a choice. I made a choice to spend my life with my spouse. And that's what we've done. When it comes right down to it, extended family or not, friends or not... it's all him and I. In the end it will be he or I holding each others hands. I am not saying I don't go out on occasion with a friend... but it is very rarely. My choice is to stay near my husband and family, and I don't regret... I relish it actually. It's not about jealousy or mistrust. It's about how we feel about each other and the commitment we have made to one another. There was a time when we wanted nothing more then to spend all our time together, what should that change now that we've said "I do" and it's been a few years? I am glad he feels and sees it the way I do.

[prairie rose]

Honestly, for us that's not it at all. It's about making a choice. I made a choice to spend my life with my spouse. And that's what we've done. When it comes right down to it, extended family or not, friends or not... it's all him and I. In the end it will be he or I holding each others hands. I am not saying I don't go out on occasion with a friend... but it is very rarely. My choice is to stay near my husband and family, and I don't regret... I relish it actually. It's not about jealousy or mistrust. It's about how we feel about each other and the commitment we have made to one another. There was a time when we wanted nothing more then to spend all our time together, what should that change now that we've said "I do" and it's been a few years? I am glad he feels and sees it the way I do.

 

To me, it's one thing to both want to spend all your time together. It's another when a couple does not see eye and one person forbids the other from having any kind contact with the opposite sex simply because they are the opposite sex. I also think it's different if you choose to take someone back after they have been unfaithful. For me, it's not that I don't want to spend time with my husband or my family, it's more that I like spending time with others too. Dh and I don't have all the same interests, sometimes it's nice to talk to people who share some of my interests that dh doesn't share with me. I don't care if the person that shares my interest is male or female and I'm glad my dh doesn't either. ;)

 

Not saying either way is right or wrong, just that I couldn't imagine not having friends of the opposite sex any more than some could not imagine having no issues with dh having lunch with a female friend. To each their own. :D

[ChiMomNP]

No. Not. Anymore. My spouse had a serious of affairs with a female colleague and a female employee spanning a period of 6 years. I had no idea and -never- suspected a thing. They were just "friends" and "colleagues". I trusted him completely. I never had a reason to doubt him, I wasn't insecure or jealous, it seemed perfectly normal for him to have women friends. I never even questioned the time he spent with them. Things seemed so utterly perfect between us. I was so completely blindsided and only found out by pure accident. It isn't even an option anymore, not if he wants us and this marriage.

 

 

I wonder about this for a long time and I really would like to see what a married person does or does not do in this.

 

[lionfamily1999]

Your Mileage May Vary. It is a reference the estimated miles per gallon blah-blah you hear in ads: The new Civic gets 42 mpg hwy, 35 mpg city, your mileage may vary.

 

It means I understand other people have their bells rung in different ways.

Ah, thank you.

I love how some people get their amusement out of making fun of other people's decisions, or assuming that something must be wrong in a marriage if they do things a certain way. :glare:

 

:iagree:

Thank you so much for your response. I don't have male friends to hang out alone with. I only hang out with my friends and their husbands the same time.

My dh sometimes lunches alone with two female friends (not the same time, but one friend at a time) from college and a (used-to-be-mutual friend of ours but I don't have time to hang out with her now since I don't even get enough time alone with dh) divorced older woman friend. Dh is very introverted and he doesn't have many friends. And the friends he does have he usually emails to plan for lunch with them during workdays. He doesn't and won't have time to plan to be alone with women friends for dinner.

Still I feel we don't have enough alone time ourselves. He does lunch with a friend because it is so convenient without planning for childcare if it were date dinner with me.

Another reason he likes to see them is that he can talk about work-related topics. They work in different companies but it helps him to be able to talk with someone who understands that part of his life.

So does that make sense? I long to spend more alone time with him and I am hiring a girl to babysit once a month and my in-laws will babysit once a month.

By the way, I don't feel insecure and dh is an amazing husband. I can't say enough good things about him. But as a lot of people point out, one doesn't seek out affairs, but affairs can start with a cup of coffee. Recently he spent 4 hours one evening helping a church member (unmarried single woman he often seeks out to talk with after service) to repair her broken door due to burglary. Dh hates social time and doesn't like to talk with anyone after service because it is crowded and noisy and overwhelms him, but he likes to seek her out to talk with. I don't want this woman to feel dh has any other intention on her.

Have you told him how you feel? My mom and I have both experienced women befriending our spouses only to have them attempt to make it something more. Like I posted originally. Dh had an old friend that, imo, was obviously trying to get a piece. It wasn't until she kissed him (while I was standing right.there.) that dh realized I was not paranoid. Now, it's carved in stone, for us. Gossip is a big issue, but it's also hard to discern the heart of someone you BELIEVE is a friend, if they're hiding different feelings.

...SO- my DH never cheated but emotions ran high and I felt horrible and things looked bad to outsiders. I think that certain feelings can get involved with opposite sex friendships. I am not saying that happens all time or to everyone, but there is the POSSIBILITY and we will never allow that kind of thing to go down here ever again. It is not worth it. For us one bad experience was enough.

Btdt :iagree:

[JadeOrchidSong]

:iagree: I really like this! As Harry in "When Harry Met Sally" said, "The sex always gets in the way." (speaking from the man's perspective...yes, I know that it is not universally true...)

:iagree::iagree:

[Peela]

SO- my DH never cheated but emotions ran high and I felt horrible and things looked bad to outsiders. I think that certain feelings can get involved with opposite sex friendships. I am not saying that happens all time or to everyone, but there is the POSSIBILITY and we will never allow that kind of thing to go down here ever again. It is not worth it. For us one bad experience was enough.

 

I guess I dont take into account everyone's different personalities, and for some people, noticing what is really going on may take some time, and damage can get done in that time.

My dh is a therapist and women are always falling in love with him. And yes it used to upset me at times if he would not seem like he was being clear enough with them (and I am sure he actually did enjoy the flattery). But ...lots of communication and healing later, we both have friends of the opposite sex, he is still a therapist with women in love with him....and he learned to be very clear with them and they actually appreciate that too (of course, it is essential in his business).

For me...I think it can be fine if there is enough maturity to realise when someone is coming on to me or dh, and we just deal with it. But most friendships are not like that and we would not want to cut off 50% of our friends in order to "play it safe" when we both have our eyes wide open to peoples' agendas. Fortunately....you can actually put out a vibe that stops people thinking you might be available...once where you stand is clear, you can still have friends of the opposite sex, and everyone appreciates the clarity around the issue, because once that is out of the way, you can just be friends.

[ktgrok]

I don't have any males that I see privately. I'm friends with my DH's male friends, but not in the sense we would ever do things on our own, or if we did it would be rarely. I think once or twice I hung out alone with my DH's best friend for a few hours, while waiting for him to get there and join us, but that was it. And DH does have some female friends but he does not spend time alone with them. He knows I would not like that. As others said, people are flawed. Marriages can go through rocky times. I don't want to have a close male friend there to step into the void if DH and I go through a bad time, and I certainly don't want another woman filling that role for him.

 

I also very much adhere to the Marriage Builders idea that you form bonds with the person you do fun stuff with. I want that bond to be with my husband, not some other friend.

[Haiku]

Yes, I have men friends. Yes, I spend time alone with them sometimes. Sometimes we spend time together with my husband or in groups. My husband has no problem with this, and I have no problem with him spending time with his women friends. My husband had a life before he met me; I had a life before I met him. As I do not view people primarily in terms of their s*xuality, I don't see any reason why marrying one person precludes friendship and spending time with other people. Honestly, I would not want to be married to someone who wasn't secure and trusting enough to know that I chose him and not any of these men that I knew before him. And I wouldn't want to be afraid of/jealous of women my husband knew before me.

 

Tara

[Gwenhwyfar]

i have one close guy friend ~ but he's a relative and lives on the other side of the country now, so... that doesn't really count.

 

dh has some female friends & travels to work every day with a female coworker ~ whether i mind that or not doesn't factor into things; he does what he wants.

[Mejane]

As I do not view people primarily in terms of their s*xuality, I don't see any reason why marrying one person precludes friendship and spending time with other people.

 

:iagree:Love that bolded part.

[Mejane]

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank goodness! I was starting to wonder if anyone actually, truly trusted their spouse anymore!

 

 

My husband travels frequently. I don't even know what city he's in most of the time as we reach him by his cell. My daughter often jokes that he could have another family somewhere. He laughs and says, "With what money?" :D I wouldn't dream of expending energy worrying or wondering what he's doing with whom. I may be naive, but I prefer to trust.

[Audrey]

My husband travels frequently. I don't even know what city he's in most of the time as we reach him by his cell. My daughter often jokes that he could have another family somewhere. He laughs and says, "With what money?" :D I wouldn't dream of expending energy worrying or wondering what he's doing with whom. I may be naive, but I prefer to trust.

 

 

Me, too. I don't want to live with the constant stress of distrust.

[ktgrok]

Me, too. I don't want to live with the constant stress of distrust.

 

it really isn't about trust. I trust that my husband is the best man in the world. I don't believe he would EVER have a sexual relationship behind my back. I'm not worried that he is going to get naked with some female friend. What i worry about, and protect against, is him forming emotional attachments iwth other women. I've seen first hand how that happens. Someone is a good friend, they share an interest with you that your spouse doesn't, and sometimes that turns into "they understand me better than my spouse" and that is DANGEROUS territory.

 

Not to mention I have no idea what the other person's motives are. My husband is still friends with his ex girlfriends' but he doesn't spend time with them alone.

 

Katie

[lionfamily1999]

it really isn't about trust. I trust that my husband is the best man in the world. I don't believe he would EVER have a sexual relationship behind my back. I'm not worried that he is going to get naked with some female friend. What i worry about, and protect against, is him forming emotional attachments iwth other women. I've seen first hand how that happens. Someone is a good friend, they share an interest with you that your spouse doesn't, and sometimes that turns into "they understand me better than my spouse" and that is DANGEROUS territory.

 

Not to mention I have no idea what the other person's motives are. My husband is still friends with his ex girlfriends' but he doesn't spend time with them alone.

 

Katie

I agree with you Katie.

[JeneralMom]

I have male friends, my DH has female friends. I would never base my friendships on someone's gender. My DH traveled to a conference a few weeks ago, and shared a room with a female friend of ours because her reservation was lost and there was no room. I didn't even bat an eyelash. I have no sexual feeling towards my male friends, and my DH does not have any towards his female friends. My DH would be insulted at the thought that I thought so little of him to worry about his having female friends.

[kwickimom]

it really isn't about trust. I trust that my husband is the best man in the world. I don't believe he would EVER have a sexual relationship behind my back. I'm not worried that he is going to get naked with some female friend. What i worry about, and protect against, is him forming emotional attachments iwth other women. I've seen first hand how that happens. Someone is a good friend, they share an interest with you that your spouse doesn't, and sometimes that turns into "they understand me better than my spouse" and that is DANGEROUS territory.

 

Not to mention I have no idea what the other person's motives are. My husband is still friends with his ex girlfriends' but he doesn't spend time with them alone.

 

Katie

 

This is it EXACTLY. The girl my DH was trying to become friends with was trying to make him do things with her that I didnt do and to try and get him to talk bad about me.

[Haiku]

The girl my DH was trying to become friends with was trying to make him do things with her that I didnt do and to try and get him to talk bad about me.

 

IMHO, that has nothing to do with men and women being friends and everything to do with that person having a poor character. It means that person has issues, not that in general men and women shouldn't be friends if they are married to other people.

 

Tara

[Night Elf]

Both my DH and I have friends of the opposite gender. People are people regardless of gender, race, etc.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

 

We all have things we look forward to experiencing in heaven. On my list is the joy of a place of deep interpersonal relationships with others, regardless of gender, with no sexual intentions to be misconstrued or restraining.

 

Me too. :) Perfect oneness with all the saints in total purity.

 

 

As for the op, dh and I have cross gender relationships only within the context of our marriage. We certainly do not plan time alone with a friend of the opposite sex. As was said, ppl don't go looking for affairs and I add to that that the bible and experience declare both the heart and sin to be deceitful. We don't make provision for it.

[kwickimom]

IMHO, that has nothing to do with men and women being friends and everything to do with that person having a poor character. It means that person has issues, not that in general men and women shouldn't be friends if they are married to other people.

 

Tara

 

 

Its not always bad character...i think women just get emotional.

[lionfamily1999]

Its not always bad character...i think women just get emotional.

That and we can't really control what chemicals our brains spray at what moment. I mean, where sexual attraction and "love" (not that deep abiding love, but that electrifying early "love") are concerned, there is very little choice. When it comes to how people act on those feelings, well it depends on how hard they try to justify themselves. We're in a culture that is slowly moving away from the idea that we all must obey love, but there are still many people out there that seem like normal nice people that would throw anyone under a bus if they got that feeling.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

That and we can't really control what chemicals our brains spray at what moment. I mean, where sexual attraction and "love" (not that deep abiding love, but that electrifying early "love") are concerned, there is very little choice. When it comes to how people act on those feelings, well it depends on how hard they try to justify themselves. We're in a culture that is slowly moving away from the idea that we all must obey love, but there are still many people out there that seem like normal nice people that would throw anyone under a bus if they got that feeling.

 

 

Exactly. It surprised me to learn that there are ppl who actually study this aspect of human behavior and the relevant chemicals and their activities in the brain. Apparently there is on that makes us reasonable that drops while another, very addictive one, rises. This lowers inhibitions and results in the person "in love" doing stupid things they wouldn't normally do. There is a reason for the phrase "madly in love". Not that the person is irresponsible for how they choose to act despite the chemicals in their brain IMO but one basically becomes akin to a drug addict in much o their behavior and response to others who try to intervein. It's apparently a very predictable cycle.

 

Anyway, some are talking about trusting their spouses like those of us who don't have opposite sex friends we plan time alone with aren't in trusting relationships and I can't speak for others but for DH and I it has nothing to do with whether we trust each other and everything about having a humble mistrust of our OWN deceitful hearts. I can't deny what the bible says about me in these things when my own experience with self and others and even secular studies on these things say it happens randomly to anyone.

Edited November 22, 2010 by RecumbentHeart

[lionfamily1999]

Exactly. It surprised me to learn that there are ppl who actually study this aspect of human behavior and the relevant chemicals and their activities in the brain. Apparently there is on that makes us reasonable that drops while another, very addictive one, rises. This lowers inhibitions and results in the person "in love" doing stupid things they wouldn't normally do. There is a reason for the phrase "madly in love".

 

Anyway, some are talking about trusting their spouses like those of us who don't have opposite sex friends we plan time alone with aren't in trusting relationships and I can't speak for others but for DH and I it has nothing to do with whether we trust each other and everything about having a humble mistrust of our OWN deceitful hearts. I can't deny what the bible says about me in these things when my own experience with self and others and even secular studies on these things say it happens randomly to anyone.

It's like so many things. I think we forget that there are mysteries that you cannot understand without guidance ;)

 

IOW, it's normal that some would not 'get' where we're coming from :grouphug:

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

It's like so many things. I think we forget that there are mysteries that you cannot understand without guidance ;)

 

IOW, it's normal that some would not 'get' where we're coming from :grouphug:

 

 

It warms my heart this morning to find someone on my same page lol:grouphug:

[JadeOrchidSong]

Exactly. It surprised me to learn that there are ppl who actually study this aspect of human behavior and the relevant chemicals and their activities in the brain. Apparently there is on that makes us reasonable that drops while another, very addictive one, rises. This lowers inhibitions and results in the person "in love" doing stupid things they wouldn't normally do. There is a reason for the phrase "madly in love". Not that the person is irresponsible for how they choose to act despite the chemicals in their brain IMO but one basically becomes akin to a drug addict in much o their behavior and response to others who try to intervein. It's apparently a very predictable cycle.

 

Anyway, some are talking about trusting their spouses like those of us who don't have opposite sex friends we plan time alone with aren't in trusting relationships and I can't speak for others but for DH and I it has nothing to do with whether we trust each other and everything about having a humble mistrust of our OWN deceitful hearts. I can't deny what the bible says about me in these things when my own experience with self and others and even secular studies on these things say it happens randomly to anyone.

 

A loud Amen to the bold part, especially the bold, underlined part.

Edited November 24, 2010 by aomom

[Peela]

That and we can't really control what chemicals our brains spray at what moment. I mean, where sexual attraction and "love" (not that deep abiding love, but that electrifying early "love") are concerned, there is very little choice. When it comes to how people act on those feelings, well it depends on how hard they try to justify themselves. We're in a culture that is slowly moving away from the idea that we all must obey love, but there are still many people out there that seem like normal nice people that would throw anyone under a bus if they got that feeling.

 

There may be and probably are many people who feel that feeling and just act on it.

But there are many of us who are familiar with that feeling and recognise it for what it is- which actually makes it lose its power. It only has power if you are unconscious of it, and believe in it and what it promises you.

Yes, it does mess with your head, but we dont have to be victims of our attractive hormones. We are not all just waiting to be hit by a hormonal rush which makes us pursue infidelity.

Many of us have developed some maturity and awareness around it all. So I strongly disagree that we have little choice- we have plenty- as long as we are aware of what is going on. If we are not aware ...then we have no choice, it is true.

[AuntPol]

Friends of opposite gender that were friends before marriage=okay to go out alone with but not on a regular basis (ie-not more than go out with own spouse). This especially works since we don't have any opposite gender friends from pre-marriage that live in here so we'd only see them if they happen to be in town or if we are making a trip home.

 

Friends of opposite gender met since marriage=not on your life buster.

 

For me, I don't try to make friends with men, out of respect to their wives and my husband.

[Haiku]

But there are many of us who are familiar with that feeling and recognise it for what it is- which actually makes it lose its power. It only has power if you are unconscious of it, and believe in it and what it promises you.

Yes, it does mess with your head, but we dont have to be victims of our attractive hormones. We are not all just waiting to be hit by a hormonal rush which makes us pursue infidelity.

Many of us have developed some maturity and awareness around it all. So I strongly disagree that we have little choice- we have plenty- as long as we are aware of what is going on.

 

Thank you! I really cringe at the idea that people (and women in particular) are just hormone-driven waifs who are swept away by emotion and whim. I've been married to my husband a long time. I love him more than anyone. He's my best friend and my partner. I have long since given up the idea that he can be everything for me in life. Some things he's not so great at, eh, and very occasionally (rarely, but it has happened) I find something in someone else that I find very attractive, and it seems like that person does it better than my husband. And you know what? So what! I CHOSE my husband, and I continue to choose him. Regardless of whatever I may feel or believe about anyone else (and believe me, I don't mean it to sound like I run around harboring feelings for other people, because I don't), my husband is my husband and I committed to being with him. If other issues came up we would work them out because that's what commitment is. I respect that other people make other choices for themselves and their comfort level of opposite-gender friendships, but I don't like the idea that we are victims to biology. If that is true, what good is our intellect?

 

Tara

[Mejane]

There may be and probably are many people who feel that feeling and just act on it.

But there are many of us who are familiar with that feeling and recognise it for what it is- which actually makes it lose its power. It only has power if you are unconscious of it, and believe in it and what it promises you.

Yes, it does mess with your head, but we dont have to be victims of our attractive hormones. We are not all just waiting to be hit by a hormonal rush which makes us pursue infidelity.

Many of us have developed some maturity and awareness around it all. So I strongly disagree that we have little choice- we have plenty- as long as we are aware of what is going on. If we are not aware ...then we have no choice, it is true.

 

Great post, Peela. I would go so far as to say this awareness can also apply to teens. My daughter and I talk about being "swept away" all the time, and how you CAN control it if you recognize it and can hold fast to yourself. At 51, I think I'm enough in control to not let my emotions get the better of me.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Even though I choose not to act on an unwanted attraction, choosing to regularly spend time alone with the individual "as a friend" would be counter productive. I mean, really, not doing that is how I personally choose against my feelings and honor my husband. And even male friends I don't feel an attraction towards, I choose ahead of my feelings and don't leave an open door. Frankly, I don't like even feeling that way at all for someone besides my DH and having to "control my emotions". My decision is to do what is in my power to not give them an opportunity to begin with. THAT is how I control them and it's because DH and I have that control that there is such great trust - not that we're not off alone growing in emotional intimacy with someone of the opposite gender but because we each are intent on making those kinds of sacrifices to guard our marriage.

 

I choose from the outset to not be as emotionally intimate with a male friend as I would be with my husband or even a female friend so that, as much as it's within my power, I'm not even giving that kind of attraction a chance to start up or, if it's there, to feed it.

 

I once heard that "a study" showed that all that was between a man and adultery was opportunity. I'd like to believethat is NOT true. Regardless, I do appreciate that my husband is completely happy to deprive himself of anything that could potentially be an opportunity simply as an expression of honor for me and the husbands/marriages of other women and I am happy to do the same. :)

 

Sorry if That was disjointed. My mind is fogged today.