HSing 12yo niece--advice needed and rant...

[Fabio McFluffypants]

I need the collective experience of the Hive! I reluctantly agreed to HS my 12 year old niece this year. Her parents say they "have" to work (to pay for their huge 600,000$ home)but don't want to send her to the public middle school. She couldn't get accepted into the private christian school her older sister goes to because she is behind in every subject. She had an IEP at her public elementary school and supposedly only has mild ADD. I thought the parents goals were similar to mine (safe learning environment where she could work at her own pace). However, after I agreed to HS her I find that they want strict grades and recordkeeping. WE live in IL and don't have to worry too much that. So I suggested Switched on Schoolhouse. Not what I'd use for my own children, but I only havev so much time in the day. It took them 3 weeks to order it. Meanwhile she was at my house every day for 9 hours (breakfast and lunch) and I cobbled together a program for her from things I had around. When they ordered the SOS they went against my recs and ordered 6th grade bible, history and science. She tested into 4th grade LA and is using teaching textbooks 4. She is now failing everything but LA and math. She has no comprehension. She can't spell. She can't write a correct sentence. She cannot do any math (2 + 2) without counting on her fingers every time. Her mom tried to tell her dad to order TT5 without me knowing about it, saying I said TT4 was too easy. I had to call him and tell him that this was untrue. Her mom, my husband's sister, only really seems interested in appearances and keeping my niece at "grade level". HA! I never would have agreed to that. She lied to me, basically, and told me what she had to tell me to get me to agree to HS my niece. I sent home a huge file folder of failed lessons, quizes, grades and a couple projects for her parents to look over this weekend. I asked her Dad on Thursday to call me or email me to discuss my niece's situation. I told their friend who picks up my niece for them to have them call me. Now it is Sunday and I spend my time and energy this weekend researching learning disabilities while they gallivant around town and don't bother to call me. I've about had it. I have children of my own and I'm pregnant and on bedrest with another. So I'm considering telling them (by email, because that same friend drops her off for school) on Monday, oh so sweetly, that I will babysit my niece every day and they can do school with her at night unless they want to discuss switching curriculum and getting her tested for learning disabilities. Any advice or opinions are welcome. Is it just pregnancy hormones raging, or would this drive you all batty too?

[Daisy]

At the very least you all need to sit down and come to an agreement on expectations and responsibilities. If any of the conditions are not met by any member (you, the parents, or the child), the agreement is severed. That loosy-goosy stuff would drive me batty.

[Catherine]

it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with her parents. Given that, I don't think continuing to teach her is advisable. They don't want you to do what you think needs to be done to help her, and you have a low opinion of them. It doesn't sound like fertile ground for a positive collaboration. Are they open to sending her back to school? Or any other option? If not, then a frank, air-clearing conversation about her needs is what should happen. And perhaps a withholding of judgement on your part.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

You are pregnant and on bedrest?!

 

When I was in that state, I could barely homeschool my own.

[tex-mex]

I will babysit my niece every day and they can do school with her at night unless they want to discuss switching curriculum and getting her tested for learning disabilities. Any advice or opinions are welcome. Is it just pregnancy hormones raging, or would this drive you all batty too?

No, I think you are correct.

 

It sounds like the parents are in DENIAL over their ds having some type of LD. (I have not read the other replies... so I apologize if this has already been said.) You need to be compensated regardless if she is to be babysitted or tutored. I would have a contract written out detailing ALL issues you are having. If the contract is broken with parent's doing the TT and such above her grade level -- you have a legal opt out clause and she goes to another school or tutor.

 

Personally, I would not tutor her if parents are not willing to okay the needed accomodations. She needs to be professionally tested for an LD ASAP. After that, you can plan a gameplan for learning. But if parents are against it -- the only other legal option is public school. You cannot be enabling them with only babysitting. That is wrong. She needs a fair and appropriate education tailored to her abilities -- there is nothing wrong with being "below" grade level.

 

ETA: You are also pregnant. Take into account the added stress of this on your plate. Again, if you feel you can handle it with LD testing and the parent's caving into the reality their ds needs the lower grade items... fine. If not, pass the bean dip, hon. You cannot solve this matter.

Edited September 19, 2010 by tex-mex

[Fabio McFluffypants]

Very good advice, thank you. We had a series of discussions with my sister-in-law and her husband before I agreed to HS my niece and my husband and I thought everyone was on the same page. Our goal-and not a secret one-was to gently lead my sister-in-law into homeschooling her children herself. WE have always had a good relationship with them--very close--and have expressed concerns with my sister-in-laws choices to them many times. I refused to HS my niece originally because of these differences. I couldn't hold out against the thought of my sweet niece being bullied (and she was) and hating life in general (and she was) because of the terrible school situations and my SIL is known for getting what she wants. She just doesn't give up! My opinion of my sister-in-law has steadily plummeted over the past month. I just don't know how to kindly address the situation. I might have to have my husband do it because I'm just a ball of pregnancy hormones anyways right now. You're right though--how can I mentor and teach someone else's child when I don't respect what the parents are doing? I would never say anything negative to my niece about them--ever, but still.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

No, I think you are correct.

 

It sounds like the parents are in DENIAL over their ds having some type of LD. (I have not read the other replies... so I apologize if this has already been said.) You need to be compensated regardless if she is to be babysitted or tutored. I would have a contract written out detailing ALL issues you are having. If the contract is broken with parent's doing the TT and such above her grade level -- you have a legal opt out clause and she goes to another school or tutor.

 

Personally, I would not tutor her if parents are not willing to okay the needed accommodations. She needs to be professionally tested for an LD ASAP. After that, you can plan a game plan for learning. But if parents are against it -- the only other legal option is public school. You cannot be enabling them with only babysitting. That is wrong. She needs a fair and appropriate education tailored to her abilities -- there is nothing wrong with being "below" grade level.

 

:iagree:

[tex-mex]

Very good advice, thank you. We had a series of discussions with my sister-in-law and her husband before I agreed to HS my niece and my husband and I thought everyone was on the same page. Our goal-and not a secret one-was to gently lead my sister-in-law into homeschooling her children herself. WE have always had a good relationship with them--very close--and have expressed concerns with my sister-in-laws choices to them many times. I refused to HS my niece originally because of these differences. I couldn't hold out against the thought of my sweet niece being bullied (and she was) and hating life in general (and she was) because of the terrible school situations and my SIL is known for getting what she wants. She just doesn't give up! My opinion of my sister-in-law has steadily plummeted over the past month. I just don't know how to kindly address the situation. I might have to have my husband do it because I'm just a ball of pregnancy hormones anyways right now. You're right though--how can I mentor and teach someone else's child when I don't respect what the parents are doing? I would never say anything negative to my niece about them--ever, but still.

Continue to love the niece. Keep that relationship strong. You cannot change or force the SIL into HSing on her own. Be at peace about it.

[Barb_]

I hope you are being paid. It's a full time job and you should be making no less than $600 a week.

 

Barb

[Corraleno]

I would tell your SIL that if your niece is going to attend your homeschool, then you will teach her the way you feel is best for her, using the materials you feel will be most productive, at a grade level you feel is appropriate. Otherwise, they can hire a private tutor or put her in PS.

 

It's absolutely unreasonable for them to ask you to homeschool their child, who they can't be bothered to school themselves, and then tell you exactly how you have to do it, and refuse to support you in your choices. You are being exploited and taken advantage of, which would be totally unacceptable even if you weren't pregnant and homeschooling your own kids. You need to put your foot down (or have your DH do it, since it's his sister), and don't let them blackmail you this way out of guilt or love for your niece.

 

Jackie

[Tabrett]

I hope you are being paid. It's a full time job and you should be making no less than $600 a week.

 

Barb

 

:iagree:

 

I would do this if my family is in need, but it sounds like they don't want pubic or private school to really know how far behind she is. I think they were hoping that "hs'ing" was very dumbed down and you wouldn't notice!:glare:

 

At least that is the impression I get.

[Guest janainaz]

And you took on that responsibility because......?

 

If it was causing me stress, I love my kids too much to put them through that.

 

I'd tell them lovingly that I could not do it.

[Fabio McFluffypants]

I hope you are being paid. It's a full time job and you should be making no less than $600 a week.

 

Barb

 

I hope I quoted that right--I've never used the quote button before! I didn't ask for payment, it's family--you know. However, my SIL wanted to pay me and offered $200 twice a month, so $400 a month. My mom thinks that's pretty laughable, but I'm not doing it for the money. Still, she has only paid me $180 so far and it has been a month. I'm not too upset about it, although it would be nice to have since we live on a single income. Think of all of the books I could buy!

I didn't know I would be pregnant when I agreed to this. I am only 8 weeks along and was put on bedrest a week and a half ago. I want to be loving and helpful and kind but I just don't know how to do that right now. I told the parents before we started that there was no way I could even get her up to grade level and that they shouldn't be expecting that. I'm sad. I feel like I'm just going to be the bad guy in all of this. My niece's nanny for the past 3 years has been a special ed teacher and she hasn't seemed to help. There has got to be more going on the just mild ADD. BTW, I think grade levels are pointless as are "grades" for my children. We learn where they are at and stay there for as long as necessary. I've homeschooled from the start, so the "grade-level" way of thinking is just foreign to me now. On a side note, perhaps my children can learn some science from all of the organic material building up in my carpet since I can't vacuum! Thank you ladies for all of your wise words. I'm calming down a little at least!:tongue_smilie:

[hana]

Honestly, I agree with the poster who said she loves her kids to much to put them something like this. Even babysitting her is more stress than you need as you try to homeschool your own on bedrest in early pregnancy. If it were me, I would say that being on bedrest has given you time to consider the situation and you realize that you just can't do this.

[bookfiend]

I hope I quoted that right--I've never used the quote button before! I didn't ask for payment, it's family--you know. However, my SIL wanted to pay me and offered $200 twice a month, so $400 a month. My mom thinks that's pretty laughable, but I'm not doing it for the money. Still, she has only paid me $180 so far and it has been a month. I'm not too upset about it, although it would be nice to have since we live on a single income. Think of all of the books I could buy!

I didn't know I would be pregnant when I agreed to this. I am only 8 weeks along and was put on bedrest a week and a half ago. I want to be loving and helpful and kind but I just don't know how to do that right now. I told the parents before we started that there was no way I could even get her up to grade level and that they shouldn't be expecting that. I'm sad. I feel like I'm just going to be the bad guy in all of this. My niece's nanny for the past 3 years has been a special ed teacher and she hasn't seemed to help. There has got to be more going on the just mild ADD. BTW, I think grade levels are pointless as are "grades" for my children. We learn where they are at and stay there for as long as necessary. I've homeschooled from the start, so the "grade-level" way of thinking is just foreign to me now. On a side note, perhaps my children can learn some science from all of the organic material building up in my carpet since I can't vacuum! Thank you ladies for all of your wise words. I'm calming down a little at least!:tongue_smilie:

 

Here is your escape clause. You don't even need to address all that is wrong in your nieces academic level. Say things along the lines of; "you are very regretful, your circumstances have changed, it just is not fesible for you to school your niece at this time. You would welcome the opportunity to share what you observed about your nieces learning style/needs/level." If they are open to input, great; if not, you haven't burned any relationship bridges by bowing out. Also you are putting the responsibility squarely back on their lap, where it belongs IMO.

[kalanamak]

Looking at the fact you have an 8 year old, why not just use that level for daughter? Tell them you have to keep some consistency to do this, that it is the level the poor girl it at, and they can like it or lump it. Personally, I'd call their bluff. Your way or the highway. Either they'll straighten up or they'll figure something out. I think they are taking advantage of the fact you are related.

[Barb_]

I hope I quoted that right--I've never used the quote button before! I didn't ask for payment, it's family--you know. However, my SIL wanted to pay me and offered $200 twice a month, so $400 a month. My mom thinks that's pretty laughable, but I'm not doing it for the money. Still, she has only paid me $180 so far and it has been a month. I'm not too upset about it, although it would be nice to have since we live on a single income. Think of all of the books I could buy!

 

People have a funny way of undervaluing what they get cheaply or for free. Setting a reasonable price and insisting on payment sets up clear boundaries and a professional dynamic. It shows you value your skills and the service you're providing. A little extra tutoring once a week is fine to do for free, but a full time job is a full time job. You should be paid, family or no. I agree with your mom. :grouphug:

 

Barb

[Pippen]

You've been lied to and presonally I think you are being taken advantage of.

 

If I were in your shoes, unless you feel very strongly about continuing, I'd find a way to back out of this arrangement and put the responsibility for your niece's education back into her parents hands. Let them do the research and if needed, make changes in their lives, instead of you.

[JVA]

I agree with a lot of the other posts:

 

You're being taken advantage of

You're PREGNANT and on BED REST !!

 

Your husband needs to take the lead on running interference for you since it is his sis who is the main problem.

[Corraleno]

My niece's nanny for the past 3 years has been a special ed teacher and she hasn't seemed to help.

They have a nanny for a 12 yo??? :confused:

 

Was she hired to help academically, or do your niece's parents just not spend any time with her at all? If it's the latter, that would be really really sad, given her issues. :sad:

 

Jackie

[Fabio McFluffypants]

Thanks ladies! I don't feel so alone now. It would be a little better if I felt that my niece was even making an effort but I think that she isn't. For example, I wrote out two pages of notes on how to study for her quizzes, complete with clues to what would be on the quiz and what to take notes on (went through it verbally, too) . I was concerned about the difficulty level of the quizzes, given that she was failing the lessons. I told her I'd allow her to use her notes during the quiz. The quiz was also open book on SOS which means that they can save and exit the quiz and go back to the material at any time. She didn't study. She said she couldn't figure out how to open her lesson on the computer. She didn't ask her parents for help and didn't call me either. I gave her 20 minutes per subject to review and made her take the quizzes --which she failed. I don't even quiz my kids! I don't like this modus operandi of homeschooling. (hey those 4 years of high school Latin have to be good for something!) :bigear:

[FaithManor]

I've BTDT with my niece. She came to live with us for a year when she was quite behind in school and clinically depressed/suicidal.

 

This is what was said to my brother and his wife, "Our way or the highway!" We weren't trying to be cruel but realistic. If we were going to take on a suicidal teenager who needed intensive counseling, plus tutoring, then we were not going to be able to make it as a family if it was micro-managed by the very people who had watched her spiral deeper and deeper into the pit while living in a total state of denial until a near tragedy occured. We did not accept payment because at that time we did not want them to have an excuse to attempt to micro-manage anything.

 

I was in very good health at the time so it was doable.

 

But, I am concerned for you and this pregnancy and you may need to say absolutely no more. However, should you continue, you need to say, THIS IS THE WAY IT IS GOING TO BE OR DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT! You can't help her if they stand in the way of meaningful progress.

 

Draw up a contract stating exactly what your expectations are and your rules and regulations that they must follow including whatever testing you desire. Make sure you choose the testing center....many schools miss dysgraphia and dyslexia. For our niece, it was apraxia.

 

You may want to explore the emotional element. If she has determined that the only attention she can get from her parents, is through the drama of failing, you won't get anywhere with the school work until the underlying problem is taken care of....and if she has two super-achiever sibs ahead, she may have already shut down emotionally and decided, "I'm stupid, what's the point in trying." Bullying in her previous school may have caused some issues as well.

 

We had custody (temporary guardianship) of our niece for one year and she only had supervised visits home once per month until much closer to the time that the guardianship expired. Since she lived with us and we were completely in charge, it made getting her caught up much easier. I am not certain that we would have been successful if niece had only been coming during the day and still going home to that toxic environment at night and on the weekends.

 

((HUGS))) I know exactly how you feel....wanting to make a difference in your niece's life, willing to make sacrifices to do so, and the very people who should be moving heaven and earth to help her, standing in the way, ARGH!

 

Faith

[nrg]

This way lies danger!

 

Have your doctor tell you that this is not acceptable, you are to be on bed rest and not to take on any additional responsibilities. Then, have your husband relay that information to his sister with no openings for recanting. "You are sure sorry, but..." Then you send a nice note to your niece.

 

The lying, manipulation, lack of respect, lack of offering to pay appropriately, lack of niece's academic effort, mis or under-diagnosis of LDs, etc. are all details which make this an impossibility due to your pregnancy.

 

You are pregnant and on bed rest; is it reasonable to dangerously increase stress and threaten your pregnancy and your family relationships to do this favor? Of course not. NO details needed.

 

Be strong.

[mommaduck]

I agree with a lot of the other posts:

 

You're being taken advantage of

You're PREGNANT and on BED REST !!

 

Your husband needs to take the lead on running interference for you since it is his sis who is the main problem.

THIS! AGAIN, THIS! :iagree:

 

These parents NEED to take responsibility and face the issues they have in their life and with their daughter's NEEDS. They are ignoring it, shoving it off on you, and they WILL blame you eventually if YOU don't "catch her up" or "pass her" at grade level. YOU DON'T NEED THIS! Your baby and your family don't need this. I've had people try to weasel me into this situation before...I refused. You need to pass her back to her parents...no babysitting. Call, email, have your husband tell them NO! They will have to figure out school themselves. It is not your responsibility and do not take any guilt trips put out by SIL (I can see this coming).

 

Please take this as concern from another mama, who has had many and has been on bedrest with several.

[regentrude]

Others said it before - let me repeat:

You are pregnant and on bedrest - for a reason! You are supposed to save your strengths for the baby. your own children cost you enough energy.

Tell them your circumstances have changed. If necessary, invoke your doctor's advice. You do not need this added stress.

[Paintedlady]

I've only skimmed the other replies but it looks like you've received a lot of excellent advice. I only wanted to add, in case no one else has, that it is illegal to home school a child not in your custody in IL. That alone would be reason enough to back out of this situation. :grouphug:

[Hockey Mom]

I've only skimmed the other replies but it looks like you've received a lot of excellent advice. I only wanted to add, in case no one else has, that it is illegal to home school a child not in your custody in IL. That alone would be reason enough to back out of this situation. :grouphug:

I was curious about this as well. I didn't think it was legal to hs a child who isn't in your custody.

[Barb_]

I was curious about this as well. I didn't think it was legal to hs a child who isn't in your custody.

 

Depends on the state. It's legal if it isn't specifically limited.

 

Barb

[justasque]

One more vote for exercising the bed rest "out".

 

It sounds like part of the problem is that you aren't in regular communication with the parents. Since they're not picking her up each day, you don't have that 10 minute conversation each day that might help them see the problems you're having (and help you vent a bit). So it's all building up into a big deal, without any back-and-forth between you all.

 

Honestly, if they did not buy the curriculum you requested, and bought something else instead and expected you to use it, well, that would upset me. If they are not going to respect your opinion on academic matters, but they want you to be in charge of their children's education, that's a problem.

 

I would also think about how things could play out down the line - they could end up blaming YOU for their daughter being behind. If they are not seeing the existing problems with her academics, then I would get out of the arrangement, for this reason especially.

[dangermom]

With everything you've said, I cannot see how this can work at all.:001_huh:

[Harriet Vane]

I've only skimmed the other replies but it looks like you've received a lot of excellent advice. I only wanted to add, in case no one else has, that it is illegal to home school a child not in your custody in IL. That alone would be reason enough to back out of this situation. :grouphug:

 

Source??

 

I've never heard of this before. I am a Chicago resident and have been homeschooling several years. I have a friend who homeschools children who are not her own children. The HSLDA site does not mention this law. Can you give me a link to this law? I truly am curious . . .

[Sebastian (a lady)]

You have a couple of parents with a needy child (evidence, not only her failure to perform "on grade level" for you but also her failure to be accepted to the private school). You have parents who expect you to provide a professional level education, but are not willing to accept your assessment of their daughter's level. You have a couple that want you to provide exactly the style of schooling that THEY want, but aren't willing to pay you, even a piddly amount ($100/week isn't what I could get a babysitter for).

 

This will come off harshly, so please read with gentle ears.

 

Will they blame you if at the end of the year, she is still behind her grade level? (Which, unless a miracle occurs, will probably be the case, EVEN if you homeschool her the way you want to, if she's as far behind as it sounds.)

 

Will you blame them if you lose the baby?

 

 

I don't think what you've described is healthy for any of the main characters (you or the girl or the extended families). I don't think that you are in a position to create the best situation for your niece. You already sound rather bitter and taken advantage of. It is well past time to say that you can't, but that you will give your insight if they're interested.

 

I would have your dh call his sister and explain that you thought that you could do this, but that being on bedrest means that you need to cut way back. You just aren't in a position now to continue homeschooling her. He should give them a specific date by which you will no longer be able to watch her (like Friday).

 

I would not expect them to be pleased by this announcement. I just don't think that pleasing them needs to be your primary concern.

[amey311]

I've only skimmed the other replies but it looks like you've received a lot of excellent advice. I only wanted to add, in case no one else has, that it is illegal to home school a child not in your custody in IL. That alone would be reason enough to back out of this situation. :grouphug:

 

I don't think that's true. I just read (quickly) the information here: http://www.isbe.state.il.us/HomeSchool/faq.pdf which says

 

Based on this law, the Illinois Supreme Court held in 1950 that the phrase “private school†included home-schooling if the teacher (either the parent her or himself or a private tutor) were competent, the required subjects were taught, and the student received an education at least equivalent to public schooling.

(bolding mine).

 

In this situation, the OP would be the competent private tutor.

 

That said, I agree with the other posters who've said that you either need to have a serious "let's all get on the same page here" kind of discussion (and honestly - if your husband will back you up, if you think this child needs some kind of academic testing you can say you don't want to continue without it, or that you'll continue once an appointment has been made, and then only at the level of work you think the child can do. that child should be able to see a developmental pediatrician with a referral from her own) OR you need to bow out.

 

And, you shouldn't at all feel guilty about either choice: you are acting in the best interests of this child.

[Laurie4b]

I need the collective experience of the Hive! I reluctantly agreed to HS my 12 year old niece this year. Her parents say they "have" to work (to pay for their huge 600,000$ home)but don't want to send her to the public middle school. She couldn't get accepted into the private christian school her older sister goes to because she is behind in every subject. She had an IEP at her public elementary school and supposedly only has mild ADD. I thought the parents goals were similar to mine (safe learning environment where she could work at her own pace). However, after I agreed to HS her I find that they want strict grades and recordkeeping. WE live in IL and don't have to worry too much that. So I suggested Switched on Schoolhouse. Not what I'd use for my own children, but I only havev so much time in the day. It took them 3 weeks to order it. Meanwhile she was at my house every day for 9 hours (breakfast and lunch) and I cobbled together a program for her from things I had around. When they ordered the SOS they went against my recs and ordered 6th grade bible, history and science. She tested into 4th grade LA and is using teaching textbooks 4. She is now failing everything but LA and math. She has no comprehension. She can't spell. She can't write a correct sentence. She cannot do any math (2 + 2) without counting on her fingers every time. Her mom tried to tell her dad to order TT5 without me knowing about it, saying I said TT4 was too easy. I had to call him and tell him that this was untrue. Her mom, my husband's sister, only really seems interested in appearances and keeping my niece at "grade level". HA! I never would have agreed to that. She lied to me, basically, and told me what she had to tell me to get me to agree to HS my niece. I sent home a huge file folder of failed lessons, quizes, grades and a couple projects for her parents to look over this weekend. I asked her Dad on Thursday to call me or email me to discuss my niece's situation. I told their friend who picks up my niece for them to have them call me. Now it is Sunday and I spend my time and energy this weekend researching learning disabilities while they gallivant around town and don't bother to call me. I've about had it. I have children of my own and I'm pregnant and on bedrest with another. So I'm considering telling them (by email, because that same friend drops her off for school) on Monday, oh so sweetly, that I will babysit my niece every day and they can do school with her at night unless they want to discuss switching curriculum and getting her tested for learning disabilities. Any advice or opinions are welcome. Is it just pregnancy hormones raging, or would this drive you all batty too?

 

I doubt that she'd have an IEP for "mild ADD." Have you seen the evaluation done by the school?

 

A 12 year old child who is that far behind needs more than "going at her own pace." There are likely specific learning disabilities; teaching kids with learning disabilities takes an incredible amount of time , focus, and research to do well. The materials to remediate kids with special needs are typically more expensive than for normal learners. In my opinion, grade level really does need to be taken into account with a 12 year old child; the tutor should be shooting to remediate in a way that decreases the gap between the child and her peers and with the goal of getting her on grade level. That is a huge amount of work. Two of my kids have LD's: one was pretty mild; the other had more serious LD's. I have a background in special ed and continue to learn and seek out information. It is a lot of work--about 5 times as much as I need to do for my normal learners.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you are going to have that kind of time any time soon. You need bedrest now; perhaps you'll be off bedrest and have a normal amount of energy for a few months, and then you'll have an infant! Even if you didn't have the conflict with the parents, it seems to me like it's too much to do given your circumstances.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

This way lies danger!

 

Have your doctor tell you that this is not acceptable, you are to be on bed rest and not to take on any additional responsibilities. Then, have your husband relay that information to his sister with no openings for recanting. "You are sure sorry, but..." Then you send a nice note to your niece.

 

The lying, manipulation, lack of respect, lack of offering to pay appropriately, lack of niece's academic effort, mis or under-diagnosis of LDs, etc. are all details which make this an impossibility due to your pregnancy.

 

You are pregnant and on bed rest; is it reasonable to dangerously increase stress and threaten your pregnancy and your family relationships to do this favor? Of course not. NO details needed.

 

Be strong.

 

I agree.

[kaylk in tx]

I doubt that she'd have an IEP for "mild ADD." Have you seen the evaluation done by the school?

 

In Texas, you cannot get an IEP for ADD. It's considered a medical diagnosis, not an educational one and the schools just don't go there. As a teacher, we were very specifically told what to say to parents and what NOT to say to parents about getting kids evaluated for ADD. We had to make it very clear that we could NOT diagnose ADD, only a medical doctor could. To get an IEP, there has to be a certain gap between expected achievement (ie IQ score) and actual achievement. The diagnostician tries to figure out what is causing that gap: auditory processing, dyslexia, dyscalculia, etc. When they can't pinpoint it, they just call it a "learning disability".

 

I strongly suspect there's much more than mild ADD going on and the parents just don't want to admit that. Ask to see the school paperwork. They should have a file folder inches thick with their copies of all the IEPs.

[Fabio McFluffypants]

Had a conversation late Sunday night with my SIL who was, of course, very defensive of her choices. My SIL is in total denial and believes that her daughter is just being lazy. She just needs to, "turn her brain on and work harder". Now, I've only been teaching her for a month and haven't been her mom so it's hard to say if that's true or not. She was able to score 100 on a couple lessons on Friday--because her dad apparently offered her a surprise if she did well that day. SIL wants to give it a month of my niece doing hard work and the reevaluate. LD testing, btw, is done by "quacks who tell you whatever you want to hear and then suggest medication" according to my SIL and what her experience was with her oldest, now married, daughter. Laziness or ld? I'm about ready to say i'll give it a couple weeks and then test her or I quit. Sheesh. I sure don't want to make things worse for my niece.

[Teachin'Mine]

I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head. It seems that she's using her poor work to get attention. When positive attention was offered for good work - she produced good work. I think family counseling might help everyone involved, but that would probably not go over so well as a suggestion. :tongue_smilie: Poor kid.

 

I'll bet that if they showed more interest in her and in her school work that she'd make some serious progress. It sounds like she's neglected at home. A nanny at 12 ... :confused:

 

Maybe you can provide some of the incentive for her. She's probably starved for love and would welcome some one on one time with you. Maybe offer the incentive that if she gets her work done in two or three subjects, then you will spend time with her - maybe you can play a game together, or paint her nails, or something special. I'm trying to think of things you can do while on bed rest. :tongue_smilie: She's blessed to have you caring about her.

[Mom0012]

 

I would also think about how things could play out down the line - they could end up blaming YOU for their daughter being behind. If they are not seeing the existing problems with her academics, then I would get out of the arrangement, for this reason especially.

 

I think this is a very valid point as well. When I started homeschooling my children, I was very open to homeschooling my sdd (who has many severe lds). In hindsight, I thank the Lord I didn't because she just functions at a very low level. Right now, my husband's parents are blaming us for this even though we had her use tutors and had her in a number of very expensive therapies. As far as my MIL is concerned "we didn't do enough". I can only imagine the backlash if I had homeschooled her because even if I had helped her, I think anything less than her being an A or B student would have been blamed squarely on me.

 

Lisa

[elfgivas]

i think there is a clue in that the older sister also had issues and the parents didn't like what they were told, and devalued the professionals telling them rather than getting their daughter the help she needed. this time, it is you who are telling them the bad news. they are unlikely to respond differently, and the cost to you, your baby and family relationships could be high.

 

bail.... bail....

 

fwiw,

ann

[bookfiend]

i think there is a clue in that the older sister also had issues and the parents didn't like what they were told, and devalued the professionals telling them rather than getting their daughter the help she needed. this time, it is you who are telling them the bad news. they are unlikely to respond differently, and the cost to you, your baby and family relationships could be high.

 

bail.... bail....

 

fwiw,

ann

 

And bail sooner rather than later. From your lastest post it still seems that you are interested in saving this situation. However, the conversations and dynamics you describe don't mesh with reality. I picture your SIL with fingers in ears, chanting LA, LA, LA, LA (nothing's wrong, just work harder). As long as she is in denial about what her daughter really needs, be it parental attention or LD intervention, NOTHING you do will fix things for your niece.

 

Book recommendation: The myth of laziness

[justasque]

I'm also concerned about the curriculum. I've tutored several students who were "behind" their age peers in math (though without LD's). The first thing I needed to do was to spend some time getting a feel for what they knew, what they understood, how well they were at using problem-solving skills, and so on. I could *not* have taught any of them well by just giving them a standard math curriculum. They needed an approach that started *exactly* where they were, and took them via a carefully planned path towards where they wanted to be. I can't imagine, with math specifically, taking a child who is working at the fourth grade level and expecting them to do a 6th grade level. It's a subject that builds gradually, and if you try to shortcut by just showing someone *how* to do a problem without them understanding *why*, then you aren't teaching for long-term learning/numeracy.

 

I don't know anything specifically about SOS, and math is not quite like subjects like history in this way, but I would be wary of using a canned curriculum, especially a computer-based one, with a child who is behind, especially if you are using one designed for kids 2 years beyond, unless there was a significant amount of tweaking and supplementation involved.

 

All that said, is mom or dad likely to have had similar issues? If so, can you both a) take ideas from how they learn well and apply them to the child, and b) help them understand her situation by drawing parallels to a similar parent's experience?

[justasque]

And bail sooner rather than later. From your lastest post it still seems that you are interested in saving this situation. However, the conversations and dynamics you describe don't mesh with reality. I picture your SIL with fingers in ears, chanting LA, LA, LA, LA (nothing's wrong, just work harder). As long as she is in denial about what her daughter really needs, be it parental attention or LD intervention, NOTHING you do will fix things for your niece.

 

:iagree: You can always help with advice about how to advocate for her daughter in the school system, or how to after-school her to work on her issues. But this is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You can love the niece and be there for her and spend time with her, but leave the education to her family. They are NOT listening to you, they do NOT value your expertise, and it WILL come back and bite you in the end if she is not where they think she ought to be down the line.

[elegantlion]

And you took on that responsibility because......?

 

If it was causing me stress, I love my kids too much to put them through that.

 

I'd tell them lovingly that I could not do it.

 

:iagree:

 

Here is your escape clause. You don't even need to address all that is wrong in your nieces academic level. Say things along the lines of; "you are very regretful, your circumstances have changed, it just is not fesible for you to school your niece at this time. You would welcome the opportunity to share what you observed about your nieces learning style/needs/level." If they are open to input, great; if not, you haven't burned any relationship bridges by bowing out. Also you are putting the responsibility squarely back on their lap, where it belongs IMO.

 

:iagree: I vehemently agree!!!

 

You've been lied to and presonally I think you are being taken advantage of.

 

If I were in your shoes, unless you feel very strongly about continuing, I'd find a way to back out of this arrangement and put the responsibility for your niece's education back into her parents hands. Let them do the research and if needed, make changes in their lives, instead of you.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Please don't put your health or the health of your unborn child at risk for this. We can not change people and it sounds like they are blindly trying to run the show. For your own sake I would tell them they have one week to seek other educational opportunities for their child. They are not asking you to homeschool, they are telling you how to do it and not taking into account your health situation or their own child's learning ability.

[Barb_]

:iagree: You can always help with advice about how to advocate for her daughter in the school system, or how to after-school her to work on her issues. But this is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You can love the niece and be there for her and spend time with her, but leave the education to her family. They are NOT listening to you, they do NOT value your expertise, and it WILL come back and bite you in the end if she is not where they think she ought to be down the line.

 

:iagree: Yup.

[AHASRADA]

I am only 2nding everyone else's comments. I know you really want to help your niece, but it doesn't seem like her parents are in a position to allow you to do that, at least not by HSing her full-time.

 

In order to save face/the family relationship, simply apologize profusely for the inconvenience, but now that you are on bedrest, the Dr. has forbidden you from any additional tasks/responsibilities. Honestly, I would not bother to provide any other excuse, because they will only be offended and it will not change their attitude or behavior. Blaming it on the pregnancy leaves no bad guy to blame, and thus has the greatest potential for maintaining what relationship you have.

 

And one more thing about them blaming you in the future if she doesn't improve to their standards: I don't know how vindictive/psychotic/self-absorbed these people could become, but you don't want them down the road to decide, based on your "inability" to homeschool their daughter, that you are unfit to teach, and cause problems with the authorities, therefore jeopardizing your right to homeschool your own kids in the future. I know it sounds like a long-shot, but most people who have to deal with YPS or some other autority regarding HSing do so based on a complain by an obnoxious relative.

 

By saving the relationship with your in-laws by backing off confronting them regarding their daughter's education, and simply saying you can't HS her due to the bedrest, you are protecting your entire family, as well as maintaining a position from which you stand the best chance of helping her in the future. She may really need a mentor/aunt role-model right now, which you could do after school or on weekends, maybe helping her with homework as well. This could go a long way to healing some of her root problems, even more so than focusing on academics.

 

Best of luck in this tough situation.

[JenC3]

 

And one more thing about them blaming you in the future if she doesn't improve to their standards: I don't know how vindictive/psychotic/self-absorbed these people could become, but you don't want them down the road to decide, based on your "inability" to homeschool their daughter, that you are unfit to teach, and cause problems with the authorities, therefore jeopardizing your right to homeschool your own kids in the future. I know it sounds like a long-shot, but most people who have to deal with YPS or some other autority regarding HSing do so based on a complain by an obnoxious relative.

 

 

.

 

:iagree:This! I think you have received excellent advice, but this (above) is really a warning a should be seriously considered by you and your dh.

[Dobela]

it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with her parents. Given that, I don't think continuing to teach her is advisable. They don't want you to do what you think needs to be done to help her, and you have a low opinion of them. It doesn't sound like fertile ground for a positive collaboration. Are they open to sending her back to school? Or any other option? If not, then a frank, air-clearing conversation about her needs is what should happen. And perhaps a withholding of judgement on your part.

:iagree: