Just need to blow off a little steam (MIL rant)

[smrtmama]

My mother in law is a PhD of early childhood education. She's taught teachers for the last 25 years or so. I suspected I wouldn't be able to escape criticism of our choice to homeschool or our methodology, but she initially paid a lot of lip service to being supportive.

 

Well, during the summer, she offered to send us money to buy some curricula for DS2, who was starting home "preschool" this year. I send her the link to Ordinary Parent's Guide to Teaching Reading. Unbeknownst to me, she told DH she wanted to "look it over" before she sent us the money. She never bothered to get around to looking it over AND she's now making anti-phonics remarks to my husband, and indicating she doesn't want to buy OPGTR. Fine. I didn't realize this "gift" was actually so conditional, but whatever. I didn't ask her for any money; she offered. If I had known she would only send money if the curricula it was to be used on me her criteria, I would have declined it.

 

DH doesn't understand why I'm mad at his mother over the passive aggression and the unsolicited critique of our curriculum choices. "She an expert in her field. You should be asking her for her input." *headdesk*

[StephanieZ]

UGH. What a nightmare.

 

If you could use the help with the $$. . . and/or think it would be a nice thing to do to let her buy sth. . .

 

What I would do is send her a nice long email with links to *many* items you would enjoy and use. You can prioritize if you wish, with maybe one set of "We'd really love these" and another of "DS would also really enjoy these"

 

Include a lot of variety. . . Science books. Experiment/activity kits. . .Read alouds. Literature. CDs/music/books on CD. Art supplies. . . Etc Since you know she is going to criticize curricula, you might be advised to just not include those items. Or, if you do, then go ahead and include so many OTHER options that she can buy whatever she likes.

[GWOB]

:grouphug: You are not alone in your misery. My mil is a ps teacher/Queen of Passive-Aggressive Land. I tend to deal with her much better after a stiff drink, or five.

[Carrie12345]

:grouphug:

[smrtmama]

UGH. What a nightmare.

 

If you could use the help with the $$. . . and/or think it would be a nice thing to do to let her buy sth. . .

 

What I would do is send her a nice long email with links to *many* items you would enjoy and use. You can prioritize if you wish, with maybe one set of "We'd really love these" and another of "DS would also really enjoy these"

 

Include a lot of variety. . . Science books. Experiment/activity kits. . .Read alouds. Literature. CDs/music/books on CD. Art supplies. . . Etc Since you know she is going to criticize curricula, you might be advised to just not include those items. Or, if you do, then go ahead and include so many OTHER options that she can buy whatever she likes.

 

At this point, if she offers, I'm not planning on taking her up on it. She can send stuff if she wants, but I'm not accepting money with strings attached. We aren't hard up for cash. We might have to prioritize what we buy, but at least it won't come with commentary and criticism.

[MariannNOVA]

I would have dh tell her 'thanks, but no thanks.' And have him suggest perhaps tickets to something at a museum the kids want to see, or tickets to something else -- we are taking the kids to see a bunch of stuff at the Kennedy Center.

 

Don't know what you have near you, but it's a thought.

 

fwiw, my mil is the same way --my fil is as well.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would have dh tell her 'thanks, but no thanks.' And have him suggest perhaps tickets to something at a museum the kids want to see, or tickets to something else -- we are taking the kids to see a bunch of stuff at the Kennedy Center.

 

Don't know what you have near you, but it's a thought.

 

fwiw, my mil is the same way --my fil is as well.

 

I agree. And tell your dh that being an expert in her field is great but you are learning to be an expert in your field and that even at the preschool level, organized schooling and homeschooling are totally different.

[MariannNOVA]

I agree. And tell your dh that being an expert in her field is great but you are learning to be an expert in your field and that even at the preschool level, organized schooling and homeschooling are totally different.[/QUOTE]

 

 

:iagree: TOTALLY DIFFERENT!:iagree:

[EmilyK]

I probably shouldn't weigh in because I have a good relationship with my MIL, but I guess I'd have to know more. Are you sure you'd disagree with her? Again, it is different for me because my MIL is one of my best friends, but I'd be asking her advice and including her in my inner circle of advisers. My MIL *is* a nurse and I love being able to ask her questions about her field of expertise. Is there any way to turn the relationship around and ask her advice and tell her what you are doing, and be very close and connected that way, but reset the boundaries so she knows your and your husband's decisions are final?

 

And I guess I'm used to conditional gifts. We might be given $ to reupholster a chair or help pay for a trip, and I guess it seems obvious to me that we use it for the purpose that is intended and chosen by the giver.

 

I'm not criticizing you smrtmama -- I love your posts and I'm assuming there's a lot that I don't know that would illuminate why this is so maddening. (And you don't owe it to me to share.:001_smile:)

[ScoutTN]

:grouphug:

 

My MIL is also critical of our choice to hs.

In your shoes I think I'd say, thanks but no thanks. I don't like that way of "giving" or "helping". Not worth the stress!

May be worth it to help your DH really understand, though. You need him unequivocally with you on this hs journey!

[FlockOfSillies]

Emily,

 

The OP was going to use the gift for its intended purpose: curriculum. What you're describing as a conditional gift isn't really a conditional gift. It's a purposeful gift.

 

Imagine MIL knew you needed to repaint the living room, and offered you money to help do it. You've already picked out your paints, so you tell her what you're planning to buy, only to hear her say, "Oh my stars. I won't pay for that. You have to use XXX Brand in Color A and Color B. I'm an expert! I paint landscapes on canvas!" Then MIL starts bad-mouthing your choice to your dh. Never mind that MIL's paint colors don't come close to matching YOUR existing furniture or personal tastes.

 

Do you see the difference? OP's MIL uses the "gift" as a tool to please herself, not to bless her son's family. That's not love.

 

You can't reset boundaries to a happy medium with people like this, because they aren't interested in being reasonable, like your MIL. They only want their own way. Asking someone like this for input is asking them to boss you around.

[Snickerdoodle]

Next time ask for crayons.

 

:grouphug:

[FlockOfSillies]

Oh, great. Then the OP will get stuck with $50 worth of Rose Art.:ack2:

[Snickerdoodle]

Oh, great. Then the OP will get stuck with $50 worth of Rose Art.:ack2:

 

OMG, you're right.... :001_huh:

I guess you can't win this one...

[HRAAB]

I hate this kind of stuff. I would not accept money with strings attached, either.

 

You say she's taught teachers for 25 years; just wondering if she has ever taught in the classroom, and in particular, taught a child to read.

[RegGuheert]

...she's now making anti-phonics remarks to my husband, and indicating she doesn't want to buy OPGTR...

I guess phonics makes too much sense to appeal to academics. :tongue_smilie: It's a good thing she is not my mother, since MomsintheGarden taught our youngest FIVE children how to read using Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. Yep, a $15.00 paperback worked best for her!

 

BTW, I absolutely would not accept your MIL's "gift."

[ConnieB]

I would probably ask her what she recommends and why.....look it over (hopefully with an open mind) and then make your choice. I have often thought I was set on the curriculum I want only to have THe Hive or other homeschoolers discuss others that I hadn't heard of....and sometimes their choice is better than my original choice, or a great supplement to my choice.

 

If her choice turns out to be as you suspect and very "school" centered, then I would simply thank her for her recommendation and then turn around and purchase your choice. Or, you might be surprised and she recommends something you hadn't considered but that is good too.

 

Your son is only 2....you have more than a dozen years ahead of you in the homeschooling adventure with him.....making MIL angry now is going to make your life a living heck. Better to placate her by listening to her advice, considering it, and then doing what you consider best. Your husband hopefully will have more respect for your decisions if you have at least given his mother's advice due consideration. I know it's horribly hard to think she is criticizing your every move, but hopefully her actions are out of love for her grandson and not some power struggle with you. Plus, if you look over MIL's choices you'll be better prepared to tell DH exactly WHY her choices are not the best choice for HIS SON. It's a much stronger argument when you can point out how her choice and your choice differ and why your choice is the better rather than his feeling that you are rejecting it simply because she recommended it (just as you feel she's rejecting yours simply because it came from you.).

 

It's taking the high road without necessarily giving in....you get to show her advice the respect it deserves, but can then turn it down with an informed and sound reason. Getting her on your side now can only make the next decade easier, lol.

 

 

Oh, and if she offers money again....rather than for curriculum, you might suggest that she buy a family pass to the zoo, museum, science center, etc. It's tough to argue that these aren't a great educational gift for a small child and there is not a lot of controversy over a zoo.

Edited August 28, 2010 by ConnieB

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: Lots of sympathy from over here. It's not my MIL that's the problem, as she HS'd my dh herself - she's fab. It's my family.. ALL of them.. dad, mum, two sisters, two BILs, and four copying nieces and nephews.

 

Guilt trips and emotional blackmail is their language, the passive aggressive approach seems to be the only way they operate, criticism about anything they don't agree with including our decision to get a dog. :blink:

 

After 12 yrs of marriage and an equal amount of time on the receiving end of the above, we've come to the conclusion that we're better off keeping them at a distance. I guess the difference for you right now is that your dh isn't understanding why you don't like what your MIL is doing.

 

It can be very draining having family who do things like that, so I really hope you can work something out.

[Impish]

Sorry about your situation. I totally get it.

 

My MIL taught in private schools until retirement. Grs 1-6. She fits all the criteria for NPD.

 

Yeah. At one point she said something to the effect of we'd have to get her to move in now, so she could take over homeschooling :001_huh::glare:

 

She was here in June, we were still full bore schooling. I *refused* to have her here on a weekday, and the Monday she was here, we took the day off. I won't give her the slightest glimpse of what we're doing, b/c I wouldn't be doing it 'properly' according to her. She'd have Tazzie in tears, insisting he sit for hours. Nuh uh. I don't think so, Tim.

 

 

[EmilyK]

Emily,

 

The OP was going to use the gift for its intended purpose: curriculum. What you're describing as a conditional gift isn't really a conditional gift. It's a purposeful gift.

 

Imagine MIL knew you needed to repaint the living room, and offered you money to help do it. You've already picked out your paints, so you tell her what you're planning to buy, only to hear her say, "Oh my stars. I won't pay for that. You have to use XXX Brand in Color A and Color B. I'm an expert! I paint landscapes on canvas!" Then MIL starts bad-mouthing your choice to your dh. Never mind that MIL's paint colors don't come close to matching YOUR existing furniture or personal tastes.

 

Do you see the difference? OP's MIL uses the "gift" as a tool to please herself, not to bless her son's family. That's not love.

 

You can't reset boundaries to a happy medium with people like this, because they aren't interested in being reasonable, like your MIL. They only want their own way. Asking someone like this for input is asking them to boss you around.

 

I hear you. I actually got back on the computer to post an apology, since I think the OP was trying to vent, not a WWYD, and it was rude of me to butt in.

 

On your point -- I get what you are saying, but there's a middle ground. Years ago my MIL wanted to buy a small rug for our kids' room and told me to pick it out. I showed her a picture. She said (nicely) "nice, but I think it is really geared for little kids and maybe you want something they can use for longer." She was right and I was glad I could listen to her. It so depends on the people involved. My MIL used to butt heads a long time ago (and she still does a bit with her sons) but I'm glad we've been able to hash out a middle ground that works for us. The OP's MIL is probably much more unreasonable.

[Robin's Song]

It isn't like her mil had a difference of opinion in curriculum. MIL was bashing phonics! I don't see Smrt Mama as needing to be enlightened with the virtues of sight reading.

 

OP, perhaps you should have asked her to buy you this. :tongue_smilie:

[smrtmama]

Emily,

 

The OP was going to use the gift for its intended purpose: curriculum. What you're describing as a conditional gift isn't really a conditional gift. It's a purposeful gift.

 

Imagine MIL knew you needed to repaint the living room, and offered you money to help do it. You've already picked out your paints, so you tell her what you're planning to buy, only to hear her say, "Oh my stars. I won't pay for that. You have to use XXX Brand in Color A and Color B. I'm an expert! I paint landscapes on canvas!" Then MIL starts bad-mouthing your choice to your dh. Never mind that MIL's paint colors don't come close to matching YOUR existing furniture or personal tastes.

 

Do you see the difference? OP's MIL uses the "gift" as a tool to please herself, not to bless her son's family. That's not love.

 

You can't reset boundaries to a happy medium with people like this, because they aren't interested in being reasonable, like your MIL. They only want their own way. Asking someone like this for input is asking them to boss you around.

 

That's it exactly!

[smrtmama]

Honestly, from what DH is describing about what his mom said, it sounds like she's a proponent of Whole Language. My mother also worked in public schools for 10 years; her job was a parapro who taught remedial reading classes. She has little good to say about the Whole Language approach (but she also STFUs about our curriculum choices, whether it's what she agrees with or not).

[grace'smom]

It isn't like her mil had a difference of opinion in curriculum. MIL was bashing phonics! I don't see Smrt Mama as needing to be enlightened with the virtues of sight reading.

 

OP' date=' perhaps you should have asked her to buy you this. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[leighp]

:grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Okay, I would be way more ticked at the hubby than at the MIL. At least, with her, you kinda knew where she was coming from. Here is a virtual thwack upside the head for his response!

[smrtmama]

Okay, I would be way more ticked at the hubby than at the MIL. At least, with her, you kinda knew where she was coming from. Here is a virtual thwack upside the head for his response!

 

I'm mad at both of them: him for being so clueless as to why I'm mad (and for saying that if I'd ask for her input more often, she wouldn't offer it unsolicited -- can I call BS on that one?) and her for feigning support and then pick, pick, picking at our choices. She's also in favor of full day Kindergarten, claims "the research says it's better for children" -- yeah, the research says it's better for children than half day K and half day daycare. That isn't the same as half day K and then home w/ mom!

[Whereneverever]

I'm mad at both of them: him for being so clueless as to why I'm mad (and for saying that if I'd ask for her input more often, she wouldn't offer it unsolicited -- can I call BS on that one?) and her for feigning support and then pick, pick, picking at our choices. She's also in favor of full day Kindergarten, claims "the research says it's better for children" -- yeah, the research says it's better for children than half day K and half day daycare. That isn't the same as half day K and then home w/ mom!

 

 

Oooh, that's a personal beef of mine. Keep on keepin' on- you are doing great, mama!

[ChrisN in NY]

Oh, great. Then the OP will get stuck with $50 worth of Rose Art.:ack2:

 

 

This really made me LOL. I almost dribbled chip dip on my keyboard! :lol:

[texasmama]

I'm mad at both of them: him for being so clueless as to why I'm mad (and for saying that if I'd ask for her input more often, she wouldn't offer it unsolicited -- can I call BS on that one?) and her for feigning support and then pick, pick, picking at our choices. She's also in favor of full day Kindergarten, claims "the research says it's better for children" -- yeah, the research says it's better for children than half day K and half day daycare. That isn't the same as half day K and then home w/ mom!

 

When I read your OP (as a person who also has a buttinsky MIL), my strongest response was not about your MIL, from whom you have grown accustomed to expecting such nonsense. It was to your dh advice. "E tu, Brute?" (probably spelled wrong).:tongue_smilie:

[Barry Goldwater]

"She an expert in her field. You should be asking her for her input." *headdesk*

 

The 'experts' are the ones that have given us the abyssmal PS performance, child abuse, social disfunction and brainwashing that we HS's are shunning...

 

You can use that if you want...no charge:001_smile:

[smrtmama]

I try to be civil. Our relationship was pretty rocky in the first few year of mine and DH's marriage and she's FINALLY treating me like a member of the family, but dagnabbit, the woman is so passive aggressive.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I'm mad at both of them: him for being so clueless as to why I'm mad (and for saying that if I'd ask for her input more often, she wouldn't offer it unsolicited -- can I call BS on that one?) and her for feigning support and then pick, pick, picking at our choices. She's also in favor of full day Kindergarten, claims "the research says it's better for children" -- yeah, the research says it's better for children than half day K and half day daycare. That isn't the same as half day K and then home w/ mom!

 

Which children? The kids who are missing out on being home with their siblings and a parent and being out in the community visiting the store, museums, zoos and libraries? Or the kids who would be at home by themselves watching tv or in a day care as one of a bunch of kids? What research done when on whom?

 

I love to talk education shop. I'm blessed that my family has been pretty supportive (or at least doesn't object vocally). You might want to check out Education Next magazine. Not the view of education that you're likely to get reading education journals published by the education establishment. They are part of the Hoover Institute, which is part of Stanford University (so it's harder to dismiss them as a bunch of partisan hacks). I think most of the journal is online.

[JeneralMom]

My dad's wife taught for 40 years at the University level - early childhood development and education, and 100% agrees with our decision to homeschool. I am actually really proud (of her) that she has not asked (specifically) what we are using, but I know she is dying to know. My dad has built us 4 desks for our school room and they are driving from Colorado to Texas to deliver them in 2-weeks. I am actually looking forward to discussing curriculum with her.

 

So there, an opposing expert opinion :tongue_smilie:

[naturegirl7]

"She an expert in her field. You should be asking her for her input." *headdesk*

 

YOU are an expert in YOUR field - Your Child. PERIOD. :D

 

That said, know that she means well (as all meddling MILs do in their own minds :tongue_smilie:), and as an "expert" she will definitely want to know what you are using and check it out. Whether she is buying it or not. Your DH (and your MIL) will see her as an "untapped resource" when it comes to your DCs education - which can either strength the current relationship or add more strain.

Perhaps you can send her little updates of accomplishments, to have to feel included. But it would minimize the critqued aspect of things - you aren't asking for advice, but sharing accomplishments. While she may decide to critique and share advice anyway, most MILs will be happy to focus on the joy of their DGCs accomplishments. ;)

 

Also, a way that we have included our helpful family members into this HSing thing is to purchase curriculum ourselves, but provide WishLists of other stuff like extracurricular classes, books, Zoo memberships, a microscope, etc to family to purchase as gifts when they offer to help out. Again this deflects away from curriculum choices. And a list of choices (prioritized) helps them feel like they are making some sort of important decision in contributing to DC's education.

 

And seriously - HOW can you bash Phonics??? My sibs were part of that whole write-to-read movement. They can't write, read, or spell to save their lives. It is a stupid experiment in education that has proven repeatedly to fail. Phonics on the other hand is a life long skill that will impact their success in reading and spelling and all other academics as a result.

Edited August 29, 2010 by naturegirl7