How often do you speak to your parents on the phone and/or see them in person?

[Ravin]

Let's see...

My mom I talk to every week or two on the phone, and she comes for a visit once or twice a year. She lives 2 states (12 hour drive) away. My dad, who lives 20 minutes from my mom, I talk to maybe 3 times a year. With my mom sometimes she calls me and sometimes I call her, with my dad it's always me calling. The man can't even remember my birthday, though my stepmom sees to it DD gets birthday and Christmas presents every year. DD spent several weeks at my mom's this summer and last, and during those times spent the night once at my dad's...which wouldn't have happened if mom hadn't called him, because he didn't call me OR her (though he did try to call my sister who lives in the same town as my mom when he thought DD was there, without actually following through to get in touch with her).

 

My in-laws...we get together with my FIL 3-4 times a year, and DD will spend the night there every couple of months. They live about 30 min. away. MIL lives a bit closer but unless she needs furniture moved or wants to drop off gifts for DD, we basically have no contact. As it is, she usually gets ahold of BIL (who lives with us) rather than DH or I directly. I don't think I would trust her to watch DD unsupervised, especially after the time she offered to set a playdate up for DD with her older sister, whom DH has had no contact with for nine years and doesn't know where she is (but apparently MIL does).

[Danestress]

I call her sometimes to just see how she is. She does the same. Other times we have a reason - a favor one needs, checking to see if the other is home if we drop something off, making a plan, etc. I can talk to her every day for a few days, and then not again for a number of days. I think I talked to her last on Friday, so this is Monday. She tries to never call during homeschool hours, and each of us generally starts any phone call with, "Am I calling at a bad time."

 

I can not imagine how it could be reasonable to be called seven times in one day. That's absolutely totally not normal, Nakia. You can't live that way. I couldn't live that way. I would kill my husband if he called me seven times from work in one day. Everytime someone calls or texts, it's an interruption. I guess maybe not if you keep the phone off, but even if you ignore it, it disrupts the train of thought. She is implying, in doing this, that whatever you are doing is not important. Would you call your husband seven times while he is at work? No way. Why? Because he is busy doing important things.

 

Stand firm, friend.

[sonsmama]

My mom lives a mile away and I probably talk to her at least once a day. Most of that is business type calls, arranging pick-ups, going to the store etc. I am the only one of 5 kids that lives nearby and my dad died 10 years ago. She is just part of the family.

[bookfiend]

I'm blessed with a healthy relationship with my Mother, who is a widow. She lives 7 minutes away. We see her every week at church and usually sometime inbetween. However, on occasion I might not see her for two weeks. We aren't chatty on the phone type of girls, so I might check in once a week.

 

Mom keeps my boys over night about every other month and probably babysits for an evening about the same. I also stive to have special time alone with her every 4-6 weeks. This isn't something that is structured, just the way it happens.

 

My MIL and FIL, also live within the same proximity. That realtionship is fine, just slightly more distant. They are about 10 years older than my Mom and have never asked to have the boys overnight, babysit rarely. We see them about once a month when the whole family gets together. I try to invite them to dinner here every 8-12 weeks. We never talk on the phone except to plan the next family gathering. I feel it is my husband's job to keep up the relationship with his parents, but find I am often the one who nudges to give them a call.

 

Sorry for your situation.

[Mimm]

I live 700 miles away from my parents. I talk to my father as little as possible (long story) and my mother probably every week. Some weeks we seem to call each other several times, but then a couple weeks will pass without us talking. We text, but certainly not on a daily basis, and we email every now and then but not often.

 

I live about 10 minutes away from my inlaws (with traffic). :) I see my MIL every Friday night because my girls spend the night at their house. We usually sit down and chat at that time. We may email during the week if we have plans or something. I talk to my inlaws more than my husband does, but not by much.

 

In other words, I think your mother is going way overboard with the level of attention she is needing from you. And as for the staying over thing, I would be very concerned about the yelling. As I said, my kids spend the night with my inlaws very frequently and I know they are both calm disciplinarians. They probably think my husband and I are a little bit strict (but they are not critical so they don't really express this to us) but they like having well behaved grandchildren. My kids get sent to the bedroom to calm down when they misbehave at my inlaws' house.

 

And if someone calls me seven times in a row and texts me a bunch, severed limbs better be involved. I know a couple people who do this in non-emergency situations and it really angers me. I am not required to answer the phone. If I am not answering, I am busy, or simply not wanting to talk at that moment.

[jujsky]

I speak to my mom almost every day, and see her once every 4-6 weeks usually (she lives 2 hours away). Mostly she comes down to visit us to get her "fix" of seeing the kids. She sounds like a drug addict when she talks about them ;) DH talks to his parents almost every night as well -- sometimes 2-3 times/night. His parents & grandmother never seem to relay the info from his phone calls to each other so he does occasionally receive a call from each of them on the same night. Sometimes we seem the every week for awhile, other times we go for a month without seeing them. It depends on what we all have going on.

[kalanamak]

I She still refuses to believe her daughter could have bipolar disorder. She doesn't really believe mental disorders exist.

 

That denial is classic. Perhaps she is hypomanic. That can make people irritable and shouty.....and all those calls and texts.

[Daisy]

How often do you speak to your parents on the phone and/or see them in person?

 

I talk to my parent on the phone probably 4-5x a year. I see them once every 3-4 years.

 

I talk to them on Facebook or email a few times a week.

 

I rarely talk to my inlaws on the phone unless it is to pass the phone to my hubby. He talks to his parents on the phone once a week (they don't use FB).

 

We see them once a year (they live significantly closer than my parents). Most of the time they care coming down to see us.

[momof2boys]

as little as possible as we do not get along. We live in the same town but have gone as long as 2 years at one point without speaking.

[justamouse]

Just because you can't have a healthy relationship with your mom, doesn't mean you have to go grandparentless. Adopt one. there are SO MANY elderly people left off like stray dogs at senior homes. Sign up to be a volunteer, pick a few and lavish attention on them. Bring your girls along. Maybe you'll be able to open your home to them on holidays and sweeten their lives. You've got nothing to loose, you know?

[kalanamak]

Just because you can't have a healthy relationship with your mom, doesn't mean you have to go grandparentless.

 

You could meet in public. Surely she won't spend a whole nature walk yelling at the kids, particularly if others are around.

[Nakia]

That denial is classic. Perhaps she is hypomanic. That can make people irritable and shouty.....and all those calls and texts.

 

Unfortunately, I have personal experience with hypomania. :(

 

The difference is I know I have problems, and I want, and am getting, help. She refuses. UGH!!

 

Thank you Kalanamak. :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

My mother comes to stay for a week once or twice a year (during the good weather). I call her once a week. She lives about seven hours away by train.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[knit247]

When we lived in the US, I talked to my Mom 4-5 times/wk (and my Dad when he answered the phone, but usually it was just my Mom). I did the majority of the calling. We lived 3-1/2 hrs away from each other and we saw each other 5-7 times/year - usually for a week or more at a time.

 

Now that we live overseas, I talk to my parents about 2x/month and we see them yearly.

 

I am fortunate in that I get along very well with both of my parents and that they like my husband, too! If we lived closer - like in the same town - I would love to be able to see them at least once/week if not more.

[Mommee & Baba]

I don't have very active parents. But with saying that..I see them on Christmas and Easter. If they can pull themselves together enough to see the kids between that it's an extremely rare occasion!! I mean extremely rare!

 

As for phone conversations. I talk to my mother on the phone usually once a week. I've been known to go weeks without talking to her on the phone though as I'm just too busy to mess with those that only want to call me to complain but never want to fix the situation and on top of that never ask how the kids are doing.:glare:

 

We do live in the same state. We're about 1.5hrs from each other. We did live in the same town a few years back and our home was passed by them to get into town..and my mother drove passed our home to go to work and to come home everyday and only stopped 6 times that entire year!

 

Alot of it has to do with me being very HONEST with them. Our oldest dd was allowed to be with them overnight for the weekends a couple times..until I called one time to check on her and she was crying in the background while my dad laughed...saying that at the age of 3 she can put her own coat on if she wanted to go outside...That was it for me. PLUS I don't allow curse words to be used FREELY around my children, also we family-bed and are very attached parents. When our children need us we're there...when they fall down we are there to pick them up..not expect them to pick themselves up and wipe off and keep chucking. I laid down the laws of what we expect from them while caring for our children and they couldn't follow those guidelines so they've lost all grandparents privelages and it's affected the relationship for everyone involved. But they raised me POORLY and I will NOT allow them to leave scars on my children. My parents were at a loss as to how I would dare "keep the kids from them"...but I simply reply.."You had your chance with us....and we gave you chances with our children, you blew it and all it takes is ONCE".....I will NEVER trust them again! Those incidents aren't just all...my dad laughs when the kids would cry and he'd handle them roughly when he needed them to follow him....causing them to cry and hold their arm/shoulder. I don't think I'd be so sensitive to it but my dad abused all of us kids BADLY as children and I refuse to even let simple frustrations slide with my mom or my dad because it caused worse as I was growing up! Sadly my mother is GREAT with the kids..but it only take one bad apple to ruin it for the rest..and wherever my mom is, my dad is too.

 

Our neighbors are the kids adopted grandparents..and it's safe for everyone involved! :D We're bestfriends and have been neighbors for going on 5 years :)

Edited August 17, 2010 by mamaofblessings

[NavyWifeandMommy]

daily and sometimes twice a day due to the time differences. My parents are stateside while I am overseas due to hubby's orders

[AHASRADA]

My parents and I live in different countries, but that happens to be only 2 hours apart! I talk to my mom for about an hour 4-5 times per week, and see her in person at least one weekend per month. We also spent 2 weeks on vacation with them at a cottage on the lake in July. When we lived only 10 miles apart, we talked on the phone (slightly) less, but saw each other in person more, probably 3-4 times per week. I am an only child, my mom and I basically grew up together and have always been best friends. We comprise the majority of her "family" and she lives for my kids. We are sensitive to her emotional need to stay in close contact, and she supports our parenting in any way she can. It's a great arrangement.

[SproutMamaK]

My mother was extremely overbearing and over-involved when I first got married. She didn't take hints, either. I eventually had to just be confrontational with her about it.

 

Now, we see each other every other Sunday and talk probably once or twice a week over the phone for brief periods of time. Our relationship on both ends has never been better. That distance was excellent for both of us - I think it helped her as well to have something more healthy to focus on than building her life around other people, kwim? Now she has hobbies, friends, etc, and she's SO much happier. But she wouldn't have recognized the need for other things in her life if I hadn't forced her to keep her nose out of ours a little more.

[Annie]

I talk to my dad pretty much every day (I've always been a daddy's girl), but they're usually 5-10 minute, light hearted, just checking in conversations. I probably talk to my mom every 2 or 3 days, but the conversations tend to be more like 15 - 20 min. We love 1000ish miles away and probably see them 4 times per year.

[elinnea]

I see/ talk to my parents almost every day. They live right across the street from us. :001_smile:

[dangermom]

My parents live about 2 miles away (as the crow flies). My parents are also pretty sane. They are fairly casual and relaxed and do not think anything of it if we're not around for a while.

 

I talk to my mom a few times a week and may see her a couple of times or not at all. We are both librarians, so professional stuff tends to mix in with personal stuff. We spent a lot of time at their place this weekend to process and can peaches, but that was more than usual. They have my girls over for the night once every couple of months, but it's not a set thing.

 

Mom is pretty hands-off with parenting and all. She doesn't like to give advice.

[KidsHappen]

Well, I haven't seen them in forever and I am kind of grateful due to the fact that they have passed away. I don't know that my heart could handle it. I do see my dc about once every other month and talk to them more often than that but not everyday.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

It gets easier every single day. I still think of her daily, but the emotional impact is wearing thinner, and I am no less glad than I was the day that she moved out that she is out of my home. I have no regrets. I did a lot for her benefit, and it is good to be done with misleading myself that I actually have a mother in the sense that I would like to have one, just because she was in my life.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I have a friend who had parents like that. She basically took the treating-them-like-preschoolers approach. She changed her phone number (and made sure it just said unknown when she showed up on anyone's caller id) and told her folks she would call them in two weeks and speak to them for half an hour if they did not show up at her door. Eventually, maybe a year later, they had earned her phone number back. They all get along well now.

 

It seems so extreme and bizarre when I type it out like that, but I promise it really did work out.

 

She set up me to be an emergency intermediary. If her folks had to get a hold of her because someone was in the hospital or something like that, they were to call me and I'd pass on the message. But these people were shy of strangers and were mortified to know that I knew of their predicament. It doesn't sound like your mom would be embarrassed to have to go through a girlfriend of yours to get to you. I'm sorry.

 

I talk to my father on the phone about once a month, see him about as often, send and get maybe three emails a week from him. He updates his blog weekly and I read it. I update my blog (my little private family LiveJournal blog) daily and he reads it. Dad lives two hours away.

 

I talk to my mom . . . oh, I guess I talked to her last two months ago. I should really call her. I can probably let it go another three months before she starts to wonder if I'm still alive. As long as I send the appropriate Hallmark cards for events in the interim, I'm good. Mom lives five hours away.

[flobee76]

My parents live a block away. This certainly wasn't our plan, to buy a home so close to my parents, but it just worked out that way. We are so happy about it. We've been here for about 8 years and love being so close to my parents. DH used to be annoyed by it, so we put up certain "boundaries". DH didn't grow up in a "tight" home like I did.

 

Anyway, I see my dad (who is retired) on a daily basis. He comes and plays with the kids. Sometimes he takes the 2 olders over to their house to play or "help" in the garden over there.

 

My mom is going to be retired at the end of the year and we just can't wait.

 

We have a very good/close relationship with my parents. Something that my husband cherishes b/c his family is across the country, and he isn't very close (relationship wise) with them.

[Nakia]

After a very frustrating day yesterday of non-stop messages and calls, hence my post, I decided it had to end. So, last evening, she starting calling around 5:45 (she gets off work at 5:30). After the 2nd call (I didn't answer), I sent her a text message that said, "Patrick is home from work, and we are going to have dinner and spend some family time together. The girls will call you at 8 to say good-night." She send me a "poor, pitiful me" text back, but I ignored it. The girls called her at 8, said good-night, I didn't talk to her, end of story. Ahhh.....

 

This morning at 9, I sent her a text message that said, "I have decided to turn my cell phone off from 9-3 everyday for school time. Leave me a message if you need something." She sent me a text back that said, "Good plan!" Wow! That was easy. We'll see how it all works out.

 

I have got to be strong!!!! I have set similar boundaries before that I let go as soon as the guilt set in. I might need you all to be my cheerleaders! :001_smile:

 

I am already prepared to send her the same text tonight about family time. I know it will take a few days for her to get it.

[ChristusG]

I live right around the corner from my parents. I talk to my mom every day....most of the time several times a day. Most of the time its just a 10 minute "hey, how you doing, what are you up to today" type of conversation. But then sometimes we'll talk for 45 minutes. I see her several times a week. Most of the time it is just her stopping by to pick something up from my house, or me dropping the kids off over there.....but sometimes I'll go in and stay for an hour. And we have dinner over at my parents house every Thursday evening (ever since we got married, which has been 10 years).

[tiffijo1]

I live very close to my mother...and we usually talk once a day. My girls enjoy her and it's a good experience for them when they are around her. They only stay the night occasionally as my parents are both still working full time and have their own lives. We are much more distant with my MIL. If it is not good for the kids or you then I say limit it for sure. Are you worried about your mother's health? Just doesn't seem normal!

[Cinder]

I live thousands of miles from my mom. I only talk to her about 3-4 times a month and the last time I saw her was 2008. She works full-time and just can't visit us every vacation.

 

Dh's mom is about 1000 miles away. We see her about once a year. He talks to her a couple times a month.

 

Now, my sister lives near my mom and they chat nearly every day. Mom also sees sis fairly often. She helps with the kids when she can--volunteers at my niece's preschool once a week, takes the nephews clothes shopping, etc. Mom still works full-time so she has her own "stuff" to do. It also helps that Mom is not a busybody kind of person--she has her own things to do, but thinks it's important to help out sis when she can. And she does enjoy doing that. She's not as involved with my brother and his kids because he and his family live with his mil and sil, so they already have a support system in place.

 

Cinder

[Maverick_Mom]

It sounds like it doesn't really matter what anyone else is doing in their relationships with their parents, but what direction you need to go with yours.

 

I believe, from the content of your posts, that your mother is mentally ill. Her behavior lies well beyond the bounds of what most would consider "normal," and she appears to have difficulty controlling her behavior, as well.

 

You need to do whatever is necessary to create peace for yourself in this situation, and more importantly, you need to let go of any guilt that creating peace for yourself engenders. If supportive friends and/or family members aren't enough to help you to do this, I would suggest therapy.

 

No one deserves to be treated the way your mother is treating you and your girls. You are not the bad guy here, no matter what she says.

 

Edited to add: I am estranged from my (mentally ill) mother.

 

I am estranged from my mother as well (and I believe she is mentally ill -- probably undiagnosed bipolar). I tried to work things out with her, over a long period -- I even took more responsibility than I should have for the problems we were having. In the end, I had to make a choice -- my husband and our newborn daughter vs. my mother. No one should have to make such a choice -- but that's what it came down to. And my mother drew a line in the sand and dared the other family members to cross it -- and they didn't, because they didn't want to upset her. I believe I am the only person who has ever had the chutzpah to stand up to my mother and refuse to submit to her mistreatment. She is that controlling and vindictive. It's kind of lonely to be a club of one, but I have my sanity and my own family. If I had continued to be a player in her drama, I don't think I would've had those things.

 

A book that was enormously helpful to me is When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life, by Victoria Secunda. She identifies different kinds of daughters, different kinds of mothers, and different kinds of troubled mother-daughter relationships, from over-controlling to non-existent. It was reassuring, in a way, to know that there were others who'd reached the same point in their relationships with their mothers that I had with mine. Sad, but reassuring.

 

I agree with everything Mad Jenny said.

[Maverick_Mom]

 

As of now, she does not think she is sick or that she needs any help. I have asked her to get help. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she was so offended that someone would diagnose me with an actual mental disorder. She still refuses to believe her daughter could have bipolar disorder. She doesn't really believe mental disorders exist.

 

This is my mother, too. She thinks that mental/behavioral disorders are either:

1. A ploy on the part of doctors to make money.

2. A ploy on the part of patients to get sympathy.

 

I struggled for years with depression. Her response to it was, "Well, you didn't get that from MY side of the family!" Like it's a character flaw or something. There is no question in my mind, as I look back at my growing-up years and my extended family, that there is a family history of bipolar disorder. But she will never consider the possibility.

Edited August 21, 2010 by Maverick_Mom

[Granny_Weatherwax]

My mom lives 1000 miles away. I see her once or twice a year. My dad has passed away. My in-laws also live 1000 miles away. We see them once or twice a year.

 

The amount I speak to my mom varies. Sometime we'll go for weeks without speaking then it will be mulitple times a day. My mom is drawn more to negative things so if one of us is sick or fighting or something else is wrong she's all over it. If everything is going well and there is nothing to complain about or commiserate over she won't call or keeps the conversations short.

 

She does not like computers so that mode of communication isn't an issue.

 

My inlaws and I speak maybe once a month. I don't know how often DH speaks to them.

[rootsnwings]

My parents live less than 10 min from us. My mom works 4 days a week so during her workweek she's fairly busy and only calls if she needs something or has a question, etc. She also teaches Yoga at our YMCA in the evenings so we usually see her there, in passing, 2-3x a week. My dad is home during the day so sometimes I'll run the boys over there to play during the week if I need to go get groceries or something. Otherwise my mom usually call on Friday afternoon & asks me to bring them over to stay with her. They usually stay Friday night & I pick them up 24hrs later. *sometimes* they will stay 2 nights in a row but not often.

 

That's pretty much the extent of it and honestly I'm verythankful I don't have a nosy relative that wants all up in my bidness 24/7!!!! That would get old quick!!!!

[ThelmaLou]

My parents moved in with us a year ago. I was really worried about how suffocated we all might feel, but it's gone very well. We've settled into a comfortable routine. My dad is unable to drive, so he's around the house almost all day, every day. He's quiet, and spends most of his time on the computer, in his recliner, or watching TV in their little private living room. He joins the rest of the gang at mealtime or when he's in the mood to chat. My mom works 1 day a week at the hospital (nurse and lactation consultant.) Most of the other days, she's busy running errands, getting together with friends, taking meals to people, getting massages (for fibromyalgia), going to Dr. appointments. We cross paths sometimes at mealtime, and other points throughout the day. Honestly, I think they've had the bigger adjustment learning to live with us (two adults and 5 really loud boys) than we have adjusting to them. I'm thankful we have the kind of relationship that allows them to be here. I'm thankful the Lord provided a bigger house for us to move into last year so all 9 of us wouldn't feel like we were living on top of each other.