My heart is very heavy...no one to talk to about my 15yr.old dd...

[Love2Smile]

My heart is very heavy. It has been all summer. I have been homeschooling my daughters since the oldest was in 6th grade. this is about her, not my other dd, since she is completely different.

 

We moved to the San Francisco Bay Area from the Central Valley in Calif when she was in 5th grade. She is now going into 10th grade. the public schools were fine where we used to live and I never imagined let alone thought i'd ever homeschool. But when we moved here, (San Fran), she went to 5th grade public school fine. When she started middle school is when I took her out. The school is horrible and the administration is just as bad as the kids and it is entirely secular indoctrination. So I pulled her out the first month of 6th grade and overnight became a homeschooling mom. It's been hard with her. She gives me an attitude on everything and has to debate it all. But, she is much better than the kids I saw at public school. Her attitude became so bad in 8th grade I put her back in public school. Big mistake. We had to deal with the bullies, the bad teachers, the HOMEWORK and more. So here I am again homeschoooling. I homeschooled her all of 9th grade and now going into 10th grade.

 

The thing is is that she has NO interests outside the home. No sports, NO friends nothing. All she does is want to play video games and watch TV. She hates school work. No interests, shy, getting overweight.

 

Okay, she is NOT depressed. She is perfectly HAPPY at home. She wants to be home.

 

The problem is me. I feel totally sorry for her. I wish she were different. I wish she was into sports. SOMETHING!!!!!!!!! I feel there is a huge world out there she is missing. Yet at the same time, the public schools are horrible, gangs, fighting, secular, liberal!!!!!!!!

 

So I just pray, and hope she grows up one day. She is very immature.

I hope I am doing the right thing by homeschooling her. And no, there are no other local homeschoolers where we live. NOTHING! But gay pride parades, nudity, sex, drugs. etc...Yeah, think SAN FRANCISCO!!!!

 

I keep telling myself she is happy, because she is, she tells me all the time how happy she is to be home. But I just worry about her and her lack of interest in anything.

 

Please tell me she'll be okay in the end...

[Daisy]

Are you involved in a church? Are you personally involved in many activities outside of the home?

 

I'd try to find an organization she can get involved in, community service, volunteerism. That's required for college entrance and it may get her more involved in life outside of home.

 

If she is very opposed to that maybe there is a hobby the two of you can find to do together?

 

I wouldn't completely write off San Fran. I realize it is very different than the communities in the Central Valley but my husband went to High School in Berkley and still managed to find other like-minded individuals to hang with and organizations to participate in.

 

Have you looked for a homeschool group?

Edited August 15, 2010 by Daisy

[Rosie_0801]

I was :D

 

No, seriously. At this age, all I wanted to do was stick my head in a book and stay there and I grew out of it. I still lived a pretty quiet sort of life, and I was happy that way. In fact, the only thing that did me damage was certain people telling me I wasn't ok that way. What I thought about that, at the time, was that my mother was crazy to bring me up to be this way, then punish me for turning out like it. I wasn't drinking, smoking, doing drugs, partying, dating, listening to music full of expletives so what was she complaining about? :confused: I was behaving myself and getting into trouble about it! :confused:

 

I think kids, girls anyway, go like this because their brains need to finish reprogramming themselves through puberty, because their minds and attitudes need to catch up to their physical development. I remember sending out some serious "bu**er off" vibes to boys so they would leave me alone and not give me any attention I didn't know how to handle.

 

I suggest you work with what you've got. I daresay you can look through Wikipedia or somewhere to find a list starting from the beginning of the film industry, and you can source enough to get a good overview of each era. You can both lounge on the couch and watch how styles change over the decades. Even if she says she doesn't want to, when you sit down to watch, she'll end up there too. Treat it as though you are doing it purely for your own interest, or she'll feel pressured.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[hornblower]

I have a homebody dd..... but I'm too distracted by the hate in your post to discuss it.

 

secular, liberal!!!!!!!!

 

But gay pride parades, nudity,

 

 

 

Why can't folks just keep it more general - like:

 

"it's hard to find like minded individuals in our community."

 

I don't write I'm surrounded by "narrow minded! fundamentalists! literal biblical zealots!!!!!" in my posts. (I'm not, luckily! I'm in Vancouver which held a wonderful pride parade a couple weeks ago. :D & we have a beautiful clothing optional beach. But just a bit further out in the valley you hit the "bible belt" and it's a different homeschool universe there...)

[Guest]

I agree with Daisy -- Instead of trying to get her out of the house on her own, find volunteer or church-related work you can do together. She doesn't have to do a sport; how about walking? With you or by herself? How about walking a dog for a person who is house-bound or temporarily disabled?

 

I'd make access to TV and video games dependent on having fulfilled these responsibilities, along with perhaps basic schoolwork if you wish. Kids can get so wrapped up in an insular mental and emotional world and the future can seem very vague and far away to them; it does them good to have to think about other people's welfare and other people's needs.

[DaffodilDreams]

My dd is also very happy at home, but at the same time she has many interests. Maybe you can help yours find something she's passionate about this year. Volunteer together somewhere, visit museums, see plays, get out in nature, etc. See if you can find something that creates excitement within her.

 

And I promise you're not the only homeschoolers in San Fran. I have a friend there with 4 kids, two of which learn at home.

 

Hope the year turns out to be better than either of you could have ever imagined!

[Rebecca VA]

I'd teach her skills she could use at home -- cooking, cleaning (to a high standard), gardening, first aid, etc. Not everyone wants to be a social butterfly or get involved in outside activities.

 

If she needs to take classes to learn some of these skills, go with her! Be her best friend.

 

It's a shame about where you live. Maybe she'd like a penpal (or an e-mail pal). My daughter has a dear friend who lives in a different state that she writes to every day. She and this friend share interests that none of her friends here in Virginia share. They love to chat with each other on the computer.

 

I think most of us have agonized over our children's social lives. You're not alone. It's a blessing, though, that she's happy and not being rebellious.

[Rosie_0801]

I have a homebody dd..... but I'm too distracted by the hate in your post to discuss it.

 

Give the girl a break. She's a bit traumatised at the moment, didn't you notice? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for running badly worded sentences through our own internal translators and assuming that's what the person meant.

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

Rosie

[southcarolinamom]

Here's a list with at least 7 San Francisco area homeschooling groups - some secular, some faith-based....

 

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/regional/CaliforniaBayArea.htm

 

as well as this large homeschooling website, only $9 a year to join, for classes, group activities, get-togethers, and support for homeschooling in the SF area:

 

http://sfhomeschoolers.org

 

I hope this helps! You are not alone, and neither is your daughter!

[bookfiend]

I agree with the PP. Your daughter is safer at home, happier in a quiet world, but it does sound like she is spectacularly unmotivated. There are two or three excellent chapters in a book by Leonard Sax titled "Boys Adrift." that discuss why video games give a false sense of accomplishment and community. I think you would find it informative.

 

Also, perhaps you could go to a career counselor, have some personality and apptitude assessments done, such as Meyers Briggs. This would give you insights to how your daughter naturally relates and communicates, and it help her begin to build a vision for the future.

 

just some ideas and a :grouphug:.

[Renee in NC]

Give the girl a break. She's a bit traumatised at the moment, didn't you notice? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for running badly worded sentences through our own internal translators and assuming that's what the person meant.

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

Rosie

 

Rosie, I love you! I really wish you didn't live on the other side of the world from me.:lol:

[3littlekeets]

Oh my, I think San Francisco and think "I'd LOVE to HS there...oh the field trips we could take!"

 

The Berkeley Botanical Gardens, The Academy of Sciences in San Francisco, the Monterey Aquarium, the Zoo, the Marin Headlands, the Sailing opportunities, Silicon Valley, the Barbary Coast Trail, the Chabot Space and Science Center, a train ride to Sacramento!, Alcatraz, etc.....

 

I could go on and on and on and on ......

 

Embrace what you have at your doorstep. I understand your frustration, but perhaps with a light heart and less fear you can embrace all the amazing resources you do have. I do believe you are only seeing what you perceive as "bad," and are having a strong case of self-selection and that is influencing your daughter. SF is ripe with churches and worship, and geez, there must be heterosexuals there because I know they have maternity wards in their hospitals and they aren't all implantation cases :lol:.

 

Seriously, stop judging and start loving what you have. I'd change places in a heartbeat. In fact, I'd love my children to have far more diversity in their lives; I believe it is diversity that makes us rich and beautiful in our lives voyages, and helps us know who we are and how we were meant to walk in this world.

[kalanamak]

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

 

I heard two issues: my child has no interests and I hate where I live. SF is expensive. Why live there? There are many outlying areas where there are more children. Most people commute. Or perhaps the OP means the whole Bay Area. My niece lives near Berkeley, and when I visit I see families at the park, not nudity. Perhaps look around a bit. Living someplace I hated would be a bummer. I know, I spent 9 reluctant years in NYC for school and training.

 

I was a homebody at that age, too. I read. I would have hated having something foisted on me.

[Guest trustnjesus4life]

Get her involved in a good church that goes on youth trips, this will help her to make good christian friends and you can even be a supportive parent that goes on trips with her if you would like. You can invite a family from your church to come over for dinner who has a child her age. This will help her to get more involved if she feels comfortable around someone that she knows.

[3littlekeets]

My heart is very heavy. It has been all summer. I have been homeschooling my daughters since the oldest was in 6th grade. this is about her, not my other dd, since she is completely different.

 

We moved to the San Francisco Bay Area from the Central Valley in Calif when she was in 5th grade. She is now going into 10th grade. the public schools were fine where we used to live and I never imagined let alone thought i'd ever homeschool. But when we moved here, (San Fran), she went to 5th grade public school fine. When she started middle school is when I took her out. The school is horrible and the administration is just as bad as the kids and it is entirely secular indoctrination. So I pulled her out the first month of 6th grade and overnight became a homeschooling mom. It's been hard with her. She gives me an attitude on everything and has to debate it all. But, she is much better than the kids I saw at public school. Her attitude became so bad in 8th grade I put her back in public school. Big mistake. We had to deal with the bullies, the bad teachers, the HOMEWORK and more. So here I am again homeschoooling. I homeschooled her all of 9th grade and now going into 10th grade.

 

The thing is is that she has NO interests outside the home. No sports, NO friends nothing. All she does is want to play video games and watch TV. She hates school work. No interests, shy, getting overweight.

 

Okay, she is NOT depressed. She is perfectly HAPPY at home. She wants to be home.

 

The problem is me. I feel totally sorry for her. I wish she were different. I wish she was into sports. SOMETHING!!!!!!!!! I feel there is a huge world out there she is missing. Yet at the same time, the public schools are horrible, gangs, fighting, secular, liberal!!!!!!!!

 

So I just pray, and hope she grows up one day. She is very immature.

I hope I am doing the right thing by homeschooling her. And no, there are no other local homeschoolers where we live. NOTHING! But gay pride parades, nudity, sex, drugs. etc...Yeah, think SAN FRANCISCO!!!!

 

I keep telling myself she is happy, because she is, she tells me all the time how happy she is to be home. But I just worry about her and her lack of interest in anything.

 

Please tell me she'll be okay in the end...

 

 

One other thought...is is possible that everytime she has shown an interest in something, she picked up your fear of the kids involved who might have gay parents, go to public school, be less religious, etc. It may be easier to withdraw and stay home than feel like she will have to disappoint you and hang out with the "bad" kids who do sports, dance, science clubs, etc.... I know if it happened it wasn't intentional, but we send all kinds of cues to our kids all of the time.

 

I know you want reassurance, but I want to scream, she NEEDS to get out. No, it is not okay to have no interest other than tv and video games. She may needs some prodding, and you may need to relax a bit, but there has to be something, girl scouts, science clubs, writing clubs, art lessons, dance, theater, church youth groups, outdoor exploration clubs ---- geocaching clubs...there IS something for everyone!

[Geo]

I have a homebody dd..... but I'm too distracted by the hate in your post to discuss it.

 

 

 

Why can't folks just keep it more general - like:

 

"it's hard to find like minded individuals in our community."

 

I don't write I'm surrounded by "narrow minded! fundamentalists! literal biblical zealots!!!!!" in my posts. (I'm not, luckily! I'm in Vancouver which held a wonderful pride parade a couple weeks ago. :D & we have a beautiful clothing optional beach. But just a bit further out in the valley you hit the "bible belt" and it's a different homeschool universe there...)

 

Hate is too strong of a word. Scorn is a better description, or even "disdain". It also describes your response. But not "hate". The word hate has become a political panic button. It's totally overused.

 

 

Geo

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think part of it is how we choose to look at it. I think I could have written the description of the child for each of my children to a pretty large degree. And sometimes I worry about it as it's gotten "stronger" (in our case it's progressively gotten moreso and has culminated in a move across country which has left them with practically nothing outside of schoolwork and family activities and video games); but *mostly* I don't necessarily think it's a BAD thing. I worry about it a little more with my son than my daughter because it isn't really his personality.

 

I think part of it is also that it is SO different from my reality as a teen. Again, not necessarily bad, but most certainly different.

 

In the end, I think it's their lives to live. Offer opportunities and let them choose. For most people, everything works out just fine regardless of their situation at 15. It really is their choice to make now and later.

[Geo]

Give the girl a break. She's a bit traumatised at the moment, didn't you notice? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for running badly worded sentences through our own internal translators and assuming that's what the person meant.

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

Rosie

 

 

How rational. How sane.

 

Ditto,

Geo

[Liz CA]

Same here. I devoured books, many of them are still on my bookshelves.

As far as the Bay Area goes, sure it's on the very liberal side on most issues but this does not need to confine both of you to your home. Have you been to the Exploratorium lately? You can see a chick hatch and learn about gravity...and so much more.

 

Take walks at the beach (not near the nudist colony ;)) and just have talks with your daughter. Try actively to find interests together, anything from crocheting baby clothes for the nearest Crisis Pregnancy Center to volunteering at the Nursing Home or becoming a tutor to teach a little one to read.

 

Certainly, there are areas in SFO (as in most places) that you may want to avoid but so many other places that are sooo interesting. Oh, I came up with another one: The Bay Model in Sausalito!

And getting involved with a church may be a great thing for all of you if you are so inclined.

[Love2Smile]

I have a homebody dd..... but I'm too distracted by the hate in your post to discuss it.

 

 

 

Why can't folks just keep it more general - like:

 

"it's hard to find like minded individuals in our community."

 

I don't write I'm surrounded by "narrow minded! fundamentalists! literal biblical zealots!!!!!" in my posts. (I'm not, luckily! I'm in Vancouver which held a wonderful pride parade a couple weeks ago. :D & we have a beautiful clothing optional beach. But just a bit further out in the valley you hit the "bible belt" and it's a different homeschool universe there...)

Sorry, you took that as "hate" but it is NOT what I want my kids to be surrounded by, and I have that right (your reply made me chuckle though! LOL)

Edited August 15, 2010 by Love2Smile

[distancia]

I know exactly how you feel. Every now and then my own D has gone through periods like you describe. .

 

What really changed her is volunteer work. Others before me have suggested it and I am adding my voice to theirs.

 

Tell your daughter that volunteering will now be a part of her homeschool schedule. Your daughter may cringe, but let her know there are so many cool places to volunteer that she can do something fun and get school credit for it. (In most states community service receives school credit and is a requirement for college application).

 

These are some ideas (that my D did, starting at age 15, up through now, age 17.5).

 

*Teacher's assistant at a local Christian elementary school. I mention Christian because it was not secular and therefore could celebrate religious holidays. Of course this included "fun" things like parties for every holiday (not allowed in public schools) and D was always up late the night before, baking and decorating cupcakes, preparing her Elf costume...etc.

 

*Receptionist at a local Animal Shelter. Due to her age (a minor), D was not allowed to handle animals in the kennels; however, by working in the front office, D was able to still interact with the animals because the animals were allowed to wander around the front office and socialize with the staff.

 

*Usher at the local community theatre on Saturday and Sunday matinees, which entitled D to see the Broadway musicals for free.

 

There are plenty of opportunities for volunteerism that you cannot even imagine... helping out with the children's free movie screenings at the local library; helping an environmental/coastal clean-up group; even working at the local Public Radio station (I know a 15 year-old boy who does that, assists the DJ with jazz music selections)....the list goes on.

 

Good luck!

Edited August 15, 2010 by distancia

[Love2Smile]

Are you involved in a church? Are you personally involved in many activities outside of the home?

 

I'd try to find an organization she can get involved in, community service, volunteerism. That's required for college entrance and it may get her more involved in life outside of home.

 

If she is very opposed to that maybe there is a hobby the two of you can find to do together?

 

I wouldn't completely write off San Fran. I realize it is very different than the communities in the Central Valley but my husband went to High School in Berkley and still managed to find other like-minded individuals to hang with and organizations to participate in.

 

Have you looked for a homeschool group?

No homeschool groups, but we do go to Church and she volunteers at our local SPCA. She loves animals. I think I am just overy worried and questioning myself as a parent lately...

[Love2Smile]

I was :D

 

No, seriously. At this age, all I wanted to do was stick my head in a book and stay there and I grew out of it. I still lived a pretty quiet sort of life, and I was happy that way. In fact, the only thing that did me damage was certain people telling me I wasn't ok that way. What I thought about that, at the time, was that my mother was crazy to bring me up to be this way, then punish me for turning out like it. I wasn't drinking, smoking, doing drugs, partying, dating, listening to music full of expletives so what was she complaining about? :confused: I was behaving myself and getting into trouble about it! :confused:

 

I think kids, girls anyway, go like this because their brains need to finish reprogramming themselves through puberty, because their minds and attitudes need to catch up to their physical development. I remember sending out some serious "bu**er off" vibes to boys so they would leave me alone and not give me any attention I didn't know how to handle.

 

I suggest you work with what you've got. I daresay you can look through Wikipedia or somewhere to find a list starting from the beginning of the film industry, and you can source enough to get a good overview of each era. You can both lounge on the couch and watch how styles change over the decades. Even if she says she doesn't want to, when you sit down to watch, she'll end up there too. Treat it as though you are doing it purely for your own interest, or she'll feel pressured.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

Thanks for this!

[Love2Smile]

I'd teach her skills she could use at home -- cooking, cleaning (to a high standard), gardening, first aid, etc. Not everyone wants to be a social butterfly or get involved in outside activities.

 

If she needs to take classes to learn some of these skills, go with her! Be her best friend.

 

It's a shame about where you live. Maybe she'd like a penpal (or an e-mail pal). My daughter has a dear friend who lives in a different state that she writes to every day. She and this friend share interests that none of her friends here in Virginia share. They love to chat with each other on the computer.

 

I think most of us have agonized over our children's social lives. You're not alone. It's a blessing, though, that she's happy and not being rebellious.

She does love to cook! And yeah, I count my blessings how rebellious she COULD be! Here I am complaining about a kid that actually WANTS to be at home! LOL

[LibraryLover]

No stellar advice, but I have hs teens and that would worry me as well. It takes some kids a bit longer, and I can see how the comforts of home could keep some kids in the nest a bit longer. Maybe she would like to travel? She might not want 'school' work, but she might want adventure.

 

Wait. I just processed 15. I think 15 is an age when they do need the comforts of home. Are you able to plan a family adventure?

[Love2Smile]

Give the girl a break. She's a bit traumatised at the moment, didn't you notice? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for running badly worded sentences through our own internal translators and assuming that's what the person meant.

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

Rosie

Thanks Rosie! But it's okay, there is always one in the bunch that will pick out something "they are offended by" in a post. It's always about other people huh?

[Love2Smile]

Here's a list with at least 7 San Francisco area homeschooling groups - some secular, some faith-based....

 

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/regional/CaliforniaBayArea.htm

 

as well as this large homeschooling website, only $9 a year to join, for classes, group activities, get-togethers, and support for homeschooling in the SF area:

 

http://sfhomeschoolers.org

 

I hope this helps! You are not alone, and neither is your daughter!

Thank you!

[Love2Smile]

Oh my, I think San Francisco and think "I'd LOVE to HS there...oh the field trips we could take!"

 

The Berkeley Botanical Gardens, The Academy of Sciences in San Francisco, the Monterey Aquarium, the Zoo, the Marin Headlands, the Sailing opportunities, Silicon Valley, the Barbary Coast Trail, the Chabot Space and Science Center, a train ride to Sacramento!, Alcatraz, etc.....

 

I could go on and on and on and on ......

 

Embrace what you have at your doorstep. I understand your frustration, but perhaps with a light heart and less fear you can embrace all the amazing resources you do have. I do believe you are only seeing what you perceive as "bad," and are having a strong case of self-selection and that is influencing your daughter. SF is ripe with churches and worship, and geez, there must be heterosexuals there because I know they have maternity wards in their hospitals and they aren't all implantation cases :lol:.

 

Seriously, stop judging and start loving what you have. I'd change places in a heartbeat. In fact, I'd love my children to have far more diversity in their lives; I believe it is diversity that makes us rich and beautiful in our lives voyages, and helps us know who we are and how we were meant to walk in this world.

Thanks, your reply made me smile! Just gotta dodge all the bullets once we get into SF! LOL

[ThatCyndiGirl]

People respond to the word "hate" like it's a racist slur, but, really, I heard hateful wording in the first post. (Is "hateful" better than 'hate'?)

 

My 13 yo dd has had ONLY Christian friends the entire time we've been homeschooling, despite the fact that we are atheist liberals. Two months ago she came out. Yep, she's gay. And, no she didn't "learn it anywhere". I have never pinned my hopes on the sexuality of my offspring, so I was not/am not concerned about her orientation, but I understand that some parents would be.

 

I say this with much concern: Be careful about what you disdain. You may end up with it in your family.

 

We are mostly homebodies. Your daughter may be, too. Guide, but don't push.

[laurad1125]

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

Rosie

 

Well said!!!!

[Love2Smile]

I heard two issues: my child has no interests and I hate where I live. SF is expensive. Why live there? There are many outlying areas where there are more children. Most people commute. Or perhaps the OP means the whole Bay Area. My niece lives near Berkeley, and when I visit I see families at the park, not nudity. Perhaps look around a bit. Living someplace I hated would be a bummer. I know, I spent 9 reluctant years in NYC for school and training.

 

I was a homebody at that age, too. I read. I would have hated having something foisted on me.

You hit the nail on the head! I do hate where I live! But unfortunately and I guess this is a good thing, but husband has a very secure high paying job which he has been at for 25 years and is well liked and saught after in his career! For us to keep me at home however, we did have to buy a house for "only" 800,000 instead of in the millions! LOL I laugh and im not trying to be sarcastic really I'm not, i'd leave California in a heartbeat if we could, it's just that darned wonderful job he has and he'd never earn the same amount of money in any other state for what he does.

[Terabith]

Actually, I'm wondering (gently, and wondering, because I don't know your daughter) if she is depressed, regardless of what she is saying. She may be happy to be home, because home is better than public school, but a life with no friends, no sports, no activities, nothing but tv and video games....well, it sounds to me like depression should be considered. Have you thought of having her talk to a counselor, just for an evaluation?

 

I would probably mandate some form of physical activity, some creative activity, and volunteer work, and I would consider requiring the physical activity and creative activity be part of a group. (choir, orchestra, drama, sport, martial arts class, etc) I would also make sure she is involved in a church youth group, and I might consider sending her to a camp or something, to get her away from home and outside, exploring possible interests. There are a lot of opportunities in San Francisco; I might try to take school "outside" into the wider community of parks/ museums/ etc.

[Haiku]

I have a daughter who is in school and she also has no friends and no interests. She IS depressed and takes medication for it. We told her that she MUST pick an extra-curricular for the year or we will pick one for her.

 

I would suggest that you stop letting her watch tv and play video games. For a lot of people, it's a lot easier to sit on their rears and be passively entertained than it is to actually put forth some effort to do something. Were it me, I would tell dd that there was a ban (or very strict limits, such as no more than an hour a day, but preferably a ban) on screen time until she found something to do with herself.

 

Be a little more open and creative and I am quite certain you can find more than nudity and gay pride in SF. It's a huge city.

 

Tara

[Love2Smile]

One other thought...is is possible that everytime she has shown an interest in something, she picked up your fear of the kids involved who might have gay parents, go to public school, be less religious, etc. It may be easier to withdraw and stay home than feel like she will have to disappoint you and hang out with the "bad" kids who do sports, dance, science clubs, etc.... I know if it happened it wasn't intentional, but we send all kinds of cues to our kids all of the time.

 

I know you want reassurance, but I want to scream, she NEEDS to get out. No, it is not okay to have no interest other than tv and video games. She may needs some prodding, and you may need to relax a bit, but there has to be something, girl scouts, science clubs, writing clubs, art lessons, dance, theater, church youth groups, outdoor exploration clubs ---- geocaching clubs...there IS something for everyone!

LOL I am NOT afraid of gays! Seriously, I guess that was just a bad example. I happen to like most people as long as they are nice. I have been around gays my entire life and people of all walks of life. I have lived in the Bay Area for over 40 years so YES, I grew up in this environment. I guess the older I got the more conservative I got, and my heart belongs in another State!

[Guest]

... And no, there are no other local homeschoolers where we live. NOTHING! But gay pride parades, nudity, sex, drugs. etc...Yeah, think SAN FRANCISCO!!!!...

 

I have a homebody dd..... but I'm too distracted by the hate in your post to discuss it.

 

Why can't folks just keep it more general - like:

 

"it's hard to find like minded individuals in our community."

 

I don't write I'm surrounded by "narrow minded! fundamentalists! literal biblical zealots!!!!!" in my posts. (I'm not, luckily! I'm in Vancouver which held a wonderful pride parade a couple weeks ago. :D & we have a beautiful clothing optional beach. But just a bit further out in the valley you hit the "bible belt" and it's a different homeschool universe there...)

 

Not trying to be rude or argumentative, but I think she was pretty general. She gave facts. There are gay pride parades, nudity, sex, drugs, liberals, etc. San Francisco is actually known for a lot of this... she didn't make it up. Also, by saying "narrow-minded, fudamentalist literal biblical zealots", you turn that into an insult. Instead you could say conservative, Bible believers, and that wouldn't be an insult (at least not to me ;)). You see the difference?

 

 

Give the girl a break. She's a bit traumatised at the moment, didn't you notice? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for running badly worded sentences through our own internal translators and assuming that's what the person meant.

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree:

Edited August 15, 2010 by Jinnah

[Love2Smile]

People respond to the word "hate" like it's a racist slur, but, really, I heard hateful wording in the first post. (Is "hateful" better than 'hate'?)

 

My 13 yo dd has had ONLY Christian friends the entire time we've been homeschooling, despite the fact that we are atheist liberals. Two months ago she came out. Yep, she's gay. And, no she didn't "learn it anywhere". I have never pinned my hopes on the sexuality of my offspring, so I was not/am not concerned about her orientation, but I understand that some parents would be.

 

I say this with much concern: Be careful about what you disdain. You may end up with it in your family.

 

We are mostly homebodies. Your daughter may be, too. Guide, but don't push.

Thanks, And I am so sorry, I did not mean to offend anyone in my initial post...Just my frustration talking and the fact that I had to type very fast since my timer for my casserole was going off! I loved your response, thanks for this!

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I have a daughter who is in school and she also has no friends and no interests. She IS depressed and takes medication for it. We told her that she MUST pick an extra-curricular for the year or we will pick one for her.

 

I would suggest that you stop letting her watch tv and play video games. For a lot of people, it's a lot easier to sit on their rears and be passively entertained than it is to actually put forth some effort to do something. Were it me, I would tell dd that there was a ban (or very strict limits, such as no more than an hour a day, but preferably a ban) on screen time until she found something to do with herself.

 

Be a little more open and creative and I am quite certain you can find more than nudity and gay pride in SF. It's a huge city.

 

Tara

:iagree: I would also consider enjoying the wonderful resources in your area. Ban the screen time and she will have no choice but to do something else:)

Edited August 15, 2010 by priscilla

[Denisemomof4]

You hit the nail on the head! I do hate where I live! But unfortunately and I guess this is a good thing, but husband has a very secure high paying job which he has been at for 25 years and is well liked and saught after in his career! For us to keep me at home however, we did have to buy a house for "only" 800,000 instead of in the millions! LOL I laugh and im not trying to be sarcastic really I'm not, i'd leave California in a heartbeat if we could, it's just that darned wonderful job he has and he'd never earn the same amount of money in any other state for what he does.

 

you're right. He would never earn the same money as he does in CA, but you'd get a TON more house for far less money in many/most places elsewhere ;)

 

I have a friend in CA who paid the same $$$ for her house as we did for ours. She got a tiny, 100 year old Victorian which needed a LOT of work. It also had a "bandaid" sized back yard. She bought it in Petaluma, which is the first town outside of Marin County. Here in NH we got a house well over twice the size, almost 3 times the size, it's post and beam, which is much more expensive than your typical built home, and we have 28.5 acres. Dh may make more money in CA but it evens out anyway. We live far better here.

 

About homeschooling, have you considered checking into groups OUTSIDE of the city?

 

I agree with a pp that you need to appreciate what you have there. I lived in CA most of my life in Novato. I worked in San Francisco for a few years. I never appreciated the beauty of it all. SO MUCH to see and do!!! Still, I'd never live there again.;)

[hornblower]

Not trying to be rude or argumentative, but I think she was pretty general. She gave facts. There are gay pride parades, nudity, sex, drugs, liberals, etc. San Francisco is actually known for a lot of this... she didn't make it up. Also, by saying "narrow-minded, fudamentalist literal biblical zealots", you turn that into an insult. Instead you could say conservative, Bible believers, and that wouldn't be an insult (at least not to me ;)). You see the difference?

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

LOL - I'm a writer. I DO see the difference. I phrased it this way because she was making it sound that gay!, nude! liberal! were dirty words. She wasn't just stating it as a fact b/e of all! those! exclamation! marks!

 

I was making a point by giving an example of how I could be wording things in a way that hurt people.

 

Love2smile - I'm glad I made you chuckle because that means YOU did get it :D

 

Best wishes with your dd. Sounds like you've had some good advice already.

[Alyce]

My son was like that for a while. All he wanted to do was watch TV, play on the computer or video games. We set a rule with both of our children because of all the data about the effects of these activities. Our children were only allowed to play the computer or video games two days a week. They were able to choose which days. One was a weekday and one was a weekend. They could not use them unless school was done, same thing for TV. Sometimes that meant that I couldn't watch it either but they eventually started doing their homework faster. Ds hated the rules because that's what he prefers to do and on weekends he will literally spend all day doing that, but he knew that that was the rules and they were not up for debate. We did find a church with youth activities that they participated in and by only allowing 2 days of techie time he was forced to find something else to do with himself. It took some experimenting but he finally did find something. I would also suggest that you require, like PP have suggested, some volunteer time built into her schedule. If you do these things she is going to "buck" very hard at first but you must stand your ground. She's used to having her way and will not want to change. The other thing that concerned me is you mentioned her attitude. I don't allow my children to argue with me. If they take an attitude they get admonished first, gently and then they get punished. Usually I take a privilege away such as techie time. It was hard to be firm especially at first but it did make things better. We also don't have as much as we once did because I involve them heavily in picking out the schooling. At your dd age she should be having at least part of a say in how and what she uses for school. Mine knew they had to do the basic subjects but they were encouraged to pick their electives. I'd do a lot of the research about curriculum but I'd let them look them over and we'd pick it out together. I also let them set their own schedule and order of school. They chose to arise and start school later (9am) take a 2 hr lunch and finish school. They knew this would take them to dinner time but that's what they preferred. They knew that if it didn't work we would change it, which I did have to do a couple of times before we settled on this. At your dd age she should be respecting you but you should also be allowing her to take some of her reigns, so to speak but you still have the right to be the ultimate authority. As to her being a homebody I wouldn't necessarily worry about that, many people are just that way. I know I am. If she is still a homebody after trying these suggestions then be happy for her, it won't scar her for life. It may just be part of her personality but you need to change some of the variables before you can tell for sure.

[Scarlett]

Give the girl a break. She's a bit traumatised at the moment, didn't you notice? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for running badly worded sentences through our own internal translators and assuming that's what the person meant.

 

I didn't hear hate. I heard an overwhelmed, frightened mamma expressing discomfort about those activities that go against her morals, and a feeling of helplessness that she hasn't found anything else more suitable available for her and her family.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree:

[Love2Smile]

I just want to thank all of your for your replies and I really HONESTLY did not mean to offend anyone by my initial post. I am so sorry if I did. I wrote very quickly and was very frustrated and looking back at it, I should have seen that I was "assuming" everyone here felt the same way I do.

 

So again, please accept my apologies. I don't want to focus on that part of my post.

 

My daughter only plays video games 2 days a week during the school year and she does love to read. In fact sometimes I refer to her as a book nerd, to myself that is. And that is OKAY, she is OKAY and I have to stop comparing her to other girls her age. So I think I am the one with the problem not her.

 

She is very good if not great at making movies and videos which she spends hours doing and then posting on YOUtube. We allow this, because we consider it a creative outlet. She is an excellent music editor and how she comes up with the perfect music that goes to her movies is amazing. She has quite a following on YOUtube. She uses mainly Disney movies, because she is such a sweet child at heart. She loves all animals and we do take care of the dogs together at the SPCA. I think I may have over reacted in my initial post.

 

I think again, I am the one suffering from a lack of confidence in my ability to be a homeshcooling mom and parent right now. I "know" she'll turn out okay. She loves the Lord and I know he is in control

 

Again, she is not depressed. She walks with me and we visit neighbors etc...she is just NOT her younger sister who is completely opposite and maybe, just maybe I am comparing them too much. NOT good.

 

So just want to say thanks, and please forgive me again, I don't want anyone to feel I was saying things in hate, I feel so bad about that...

[Love2Smile]

On the other hand, there is good things about where we live! She loves computers and video game making and video making. We live near a community college which is about 2 miles away and she can get an internship maybe at YOUtube which 4 miles away or Facebook which is 15 minutes away! Not so bad!

[5LittleMonkeys]

My dd12 is a homebody. She loves video games and movies and would spend most of her time doing those things but we limit her. She plays her piano (for pleasure, not practice), reads, plays with her siblings, does her schoolwork, does her chores, has 2 good friends that she does things with occasionally (once or twice a month), loves when we have family over for dinner, and does horseback riding\jumping lessons once a week. She is about to start volunteering at the local PAWS.

 

I've talked to her about how she perceives her life; whether she feels she doesn't live a full or rich enough life. She says she is completely comfortable and happy with her life the way it is. In fact, if she were any happier I think I wouldn't be able to stand it. When she was in ps she was moody, ill-tempered, and often complained of feeling sick. She would come home, do her homework, eat dinner and go to bed.

 

I think my daughter is just the type of person who likes living a simple, quiet, nearly solitary (except for family) life. She is just like my mother and me. I love being in my home, surrounded by my family just hanging out and enjoying each others company. I get very irritable if we have to be on the go a lot and I only have a couple really close friends.

 

You should be happy that you've created such a loving and comfortable home life that your daughter doesn't feel the need to go searching outside of the home to feel happy and fulfilled.

 

From what you have described of your daughter I don't think you have anything to worry about. We don't do tv but we do enjoy video games so I speak from experience when I say that I would limit the video game exposure; it can be very addicting. There are a few video games that I play with my daughter and its scary how time get's away from me! :tongue_smilie:(But we sure have fun!)

 

Take it easy on yourself...you sound like a very good mamma to me.:D

 

Edited to add: You posted your last response while I was posting mine...it sounds like you are feeling better now...sometimes it just takes typing out our frustrations to gain a better perspective. Glad your feel better!

Edited August 15, 2010 by 5LittleMonkeys

[3littlekeets]

I just want to thank all of your for your replies and I really HONESTLY did not mean to offend anyone by my initial post. I am so sorry if I did. I wrote very quickly and was very frustrated and looking back at it, I should have seen that I was "assuming" everyone here felt the same way I do.

 

So again, please accept my apologies. I don't want to focus on that part of my post.

 

My daughter only plays video games 2 days a week during the school year and she does love to read. In fact sometimes I refer to her as a book nerd, to myself that is. And that is OKAY, she is OKAY and I have to stop comparing her to other girls her age. So I think I am the one with the problem not her.

 

She is very good if not great at making movies and videos which she spends hours doing and then posting on YOUtube. We allow this, because we consider it a creative outlet. She is an excellent music editor and how she comes up with the perfect music that goes to her movies is amazing. She has quite a following on YOUtube. She uses mainly Disney movies, because she is such a sweet child at heart. She loves all animals and we do take care of the dogs together at the SPCA. I think I may have over reacted in my initial post.

 

I think again, I am the one suffering from a lack of confidence in my ability to be a homeshcooling mom and parent right now. I "know" she'll turn out okay. She loves the Lord and I know he is in control

 

Again, she is not depressed. She walks with me and we visit neighbors etc...she is just NOT her younger sister who is completely opposite and maybe, just maybe I am comparing them too much. NOT good.

 

So just want to say thanks, and please forgive me again, I don't want anyone to feel I was saying things in hate, I feel so bad about that...

 

 

Thank you for apologizing. I for one do appreciate it. Sometimes online it may be easy to assume that everyone shares your beliefs.

 

Many of us here are secular homeschoolers. Some of us are gay parents. Some of us are liberal -- very liberal and proud of it! Many of us truly would love to have the opportunities and freedoms that come with living in a larger urban area. Some of us are in gangs and are avid drug abusers-- okay, probably not, but you understand :D.

 

Many hugs and I'm glad you are working through this issue. Regardless or of our orientations and beliefs, we all doubt are abilities as teachers and as parents. Keep doing the best you can and embrace what you have and try to make it work within your belief system. Trust me, I have the complete opposite problem, and with work, we have found some great options and built some amazing friendships.

[Barb_]

I should have seen that I was "assuming" everyone here felt the same way I do. (and then.... ) In fact sometimes I refer to her as a book nerd, to myself that is. And that is OKAY, she is OKAY and I have to stop comparing her to other girls her age. So I think I am the one with the problem not her.

 

She sounds like a great kid! Maybe you have difficulty seeing the world from perspective other than your own. Don't borrow trouble :)

 

Barb

[LibraryLover]

You posted that your heart was heavy because she has no interests.

 

 

[quote=Love2Smile;1955961

 

She is very good if not great at making movies and videos which she spends hours doing and then posting on YOUtube.

QUOTE]

Edited August 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Love2Smile]

You posted that your heart was heavy because she has no interests.

 

 

I guess, interests "outside" the home! LOL, other than animals, but maybe she's like her grandma who lives up in the Santa Cruz mountains with her 3 Irish Setters and says she likes dogs better than people

[LibraryLover]

That still doesn't make sense to me.

 

 

 

 

I guess, interests "outside" the home! LOL, other than animals, but maybe she's like her grandma who lives up in the Santa Cruz mountains with her 3 Irish Setters and says she likes dogs better than people

[Jean in Newcastle]

That still doesn't make sense to me.

 

The OP is feeling better now. She realizes that it wasn't as bad as she thought after she typed it out and thought about it.