so how do you react when your child tells you age 18 they're outta here?

[CalicoKat]

dd 9, says to us this a.m., "I can't wait until I'm old enough to leave here!"

 

She's also been saying to me, "I'm going to miss you when you're gone." Huh? When I ask where I'm going she doesn't have an answer.

 

My response so far has been.

1. That's okay to feel that way. When you're grown up you should feel ready to live on your own. It's a sign you're growing up and that's OK.

 

2. Just remember to not "burn your bridges" and leave in anger or disrespect.

 

3. We've got a college fund for your so you can study for your future occupation. But it's not something we can give you before you turn 18 and have been accepted at a college.

 

4. I love you and I'll miss you.

 

5. Yes, it's OK that you do things differently than I.

 

So this is my ADHDer, my child who's struggling the most with her adoption, and the child who pushes my every last button each day.

 

Anything else I can do to stay calm in this next chapter of life?

[DarlaS]

Anything else I can do to stay calm in this next chapter of life?

 

Be the duck... :001_smile:

 

Probably not much help, but I was a daughter who loved to push her mother's buttons. We are pretty close now that I'm a (mostly) more sensible adult with kids of my own. :001_smile:

 

(Depending on how she means it, the "I'm going to miss you" part might freak me out a little. Maybe sleep with one eye open? :tongue_smilie:)

[fairfarmhand]

dd 9, says to us this a.m., "I can't wait until I'm old enough to leave here!"

 

She's also been saying to me, "I'm going to miss you when you're gone." Huh? When I ask where I'm going she doesn't have an answer.

 

My response so far has been.

1. That's okay to feel that way. When you're grown up you should feel ready to live on your own. It's a sign you're growing up and that's OK.

 

2. Just remember to not "burn your bridges" and leave in anger or disrespect.

 

3. We've got a college fund for your so you can study for your future occupation. But it's not something we can give you before you turn 18 and have been accepted at a college.

 

4. I love you and I'll miss you.

 

5. Yes, it's OK that you do things differently than I.

 

So this is my ADHDer, my child who's struggling the most with her adoption, and the child who pushes my every last button each day.

 

Anything else I can do to stay calm in this next chapter of life?

 

What I'd want to say is ," well, I'm looking forward to it too!"

 

:)

 

But that just wouldn't be right!

 

I bet she's just trying to pick a fight. I've got one that does the same kinds of things. I have to tell myself all the time "DO. NOT. ENGAGE."

[Jean in Newcastle]

Perhaps though she's trying to gauge how you will feel? I think I would answer as honestly as I could: "Once you are ready to fly from the nest I will be happy and sad at the same time. I will be happy that you will be ready to do things on your own. But I will sad because I will seeing you as much. I hope that you will still enjoy coming to spend some time with me." (Though that last sentence could set you up for heartache if she feels like telling you that she will never want to spend time with you.)

[LunaLee]

I also have one like that. I tell him basically the same thing you say. I continue to reassure him that I love him and that I always will. Most days I don't take it personal because I honestly think it's a personality trait with some kids.

 

I have also started thinking that a traditional 4 year plan w/ a diploma at the end and college prep (like we are doing with dd) will not work for this child because I don't think he will want to wait that long. In the back of my mind I've kind of started preparing myself for this and started thinking of ways to prepare him in the upcoming years for adulthood, if that's the route he chooses to take.

 

I think your answers are healthy and honest and you should conitinue to tell her that when she says she will leave. And here are some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: just in case you need some today.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think you've done fine for the most part.

 

My ds has said such things a few times in the past. I have responded with:

 

1) You'll be an adult and can make that choice then.

 

2) Hopefully by 18, you'll be mature enough to make the right choice.

 

3) When you're ready to move on, I'll be super happy for you and super sad to not have you with me daily.

 

Kids go through phases. Both of mine have gone through phases where they've thought they would stay forever or move out the second they turn 18. It's just par of the course :)

[Photo Ninja]

I would do my best to remain calm and not give the rise that the child is hoping for. That is probably one main reason for the child making the statement in the first place. Responding calmly and not taking the bait can help diffuse the situation (even though I would probably feel very hurt).

 

I would also make a comment along the lines of, "Well, I will do my best to prepare you for the adult world you will be entering so when the time comes for you to move out, you will be ready."

 

Then I would be sure to teach my dc what they need to know to be independent adults, living on their own. Hopefully as the child grows up, the situation will change. If not, I would like my child to be as prepared as possible to be successful.

[Impish]

The temptation to reply, "I've already got the invites and caterer picked out for the day after." would be hard to resist, or simply a "Me too!", but I have a warped brain that always needs to be restrained/refrained from operating my mouth.

 

Unless I get into comedy...it would be really handy then...

[RanchGirl]

When she says she can't wait to leave, I would stick with #4 and try to make it a conversation opener.

 

As in "Oh I am going to miss you so much when you move out and start the next chapter of your life, what kinds of things do you think you might want to do when you grow up? Travel, study, work?"

 

When she says she's going to miss you when you're gone, I would say "I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here with you, loving being your Mom, and when you grow up and are ready to do your own thing, I'll still be around and you'll be coming back here for holidays...." then talk about family traditions or how college students come home on breaks, have video chats and phone calls to keep up in between, or that kind of thing.

 

It sounds like she is testing you and expressing a need/concern/worry... especially if she is adopted and needs to internalize what being loved forever really means? I am just guessing since I don't know her or your situation. But even though I'm sure you've said these things, she might need to hear them a lot more.

 

 

dd 9, says to us this a.m., "I can't wait until I'm old enough to leave here!"

 

She's also been saying to me, "I'm going to miss you when you're gone." Huh? When I ask where I'm going she doesn't have an answer.

 

My response so far has been.

1. That's okay to feel that way. When you're grown up you should feel ready to live on your own. It's a sign you're growing up and that's OK.

 

2. Just remember to not "burn your bridges" and leave in anger or disrespect.

 

3. We've got a college fund for your so you can study for your future occupation. But it's not something we can give you before you turn 18 and have been accepted at a college.

 

4. I love you and I'll miss you.

 

5. Yes, it's OK that you do things differently than I.

 

So this is my ADHDer, my child who's struggling the most with her adoption, and the child who pushes my every last button each day.

 

Anything else I can do to stay calm in this next chapter of life?

[Renee in NC]

I told my 12yo that he should move out now and support himself while he still knows everything.:glare::tongue_smilie:

 

Really, mine only says is when he is mad and I know he'll get over it. And if he doesn't, well, I'll get over it.:D They have to leave sometime!

[BigMamaBird]

This is how I spoke to my mother and I completely believed it. Then I started looking at the cost of apartments in our area. I quickly realized that I couldn't afford college and an apartment on what I was able to make without a college degree. So I shut up, wised up, finished college and now have a great relationship with my Mom.

[Carrie12345]

I just tell ds "Good luck with that!"

It's the same thing I tell my girls, who say they're going to live with us forever, lol.

[Barry Goldwater]

It sounds like she is testing you and expressing a need/concern/worry... especially if she is adopted and needs to internalize what being loved forever really means? I am just guessing since I don't know her or your situation. But even though I'm sure you've said these things, she might need to hear them a lot more.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't know anything about you situation, BUT the folks I know that have adopted children tell me that more than most, these DCs need extra re-assurances that you are Mommy forever, and will test to see if you'll love them 'no-matter-what' with obnoxious declarations and with terrible behavior, just to prove it. It might not even be conscious. I agree with the other posters too to respond constructively and with lots of :grouphug:.

[Peela]

Both mine want their adult freedom (but they are teens) and say things like that.

The truth is, once they are teens, something kind of makes it feel ok that in teh not too distant future they will be moving out and on....no matter how much you love them! Dh and I are prepared for one or both to stay home and would love that ...but.....I am enjoying my time with dh and alone more and more.

 

Ds14 has been trying to get a homeschooling friend from the country, his best friend, to come and stay with us for some of our winter hols. I said ok,but the friend had been grounded for some bad behaviour and to tell the truth I wasnt exactly looking forward to it....ds phoned him yesterday and the friend invited ds to his farm for the whole week. Ds came and asked me and I lit up and said of course! (he has been there for a week several times before and loves it- there are 3 boys). Ds then tells his friend "yes, mum is really happy to get rid of me for the week!". Was I that obvious? :)

 

It works both way. I adore my kids and I adore homeschooling them and yet, when they make comments about laving as soon as they can, I also understand because I do sometimes feel teh same :) Also, because we hoemschool, we do spend a lot of time together.

[Lisa in Jax]

Given that this is an impulsive child and one who has adoption issues, here's how I'd respond:

 

Child: I can't wait until I'm old enough to move out of here!

You: I will still love you and be your mom wherever you live when you're grown up.

 

Child: I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.

Mom: Well, I plan to live a long time, so you'll be really old when that happens. Love you!

 

Smile, give a hug, and move on. Try not to get too riled up. (I know it's hard -- my adopted son says similar things from time to time.)

 

Lisa

mom of Kaley 17-bio and Daniel 11-India

[Melissa in Australia]

When my ds said this at around age 11, I said of course, You have this amount of books to work through ( mentioned all the text books to go until completing year 12) then you are free to go to uni. He is now 16, every now and then he mentions he is leaving in 2 years. I just tell him he had better get his head down and keep studying, or he will be stuck here an extra year.

[Mommyfaithe]

dd 9, says to us this a.m., "I can't wait until I'm old enough to leave here!"

 

She's also been saying to me, "I'm going to miss you when you're gone." Huh? When I ask where I'm going she doesn't have an answer.

 

My response so far has been.

1. That's okay to feel that way. When you're grown up you should feel ready to live on your own. It's a sign you're growing up and that's OK.

 

2. Just remember to not "burn your bridges" and leave in anger or disrespect.

 

3. We've got a college fund for your so you can study for your future occupation. But it's not something we can give you before you turn 18 and have been accepted at a college.

 

4. I love you and I'll miss you.

 

5. Yes, it's OK that you do things differently than I.

 

So this is my ADHDer, my child who's struggling the most with her adoption, and the child who pushes my every last button each day.

 

Anything else I can do to stay calm in this next chapter of life?

 

This may be a long shot, but she may be expressing an internal fear that you will either die or stop taking care of her. An adhd kid knows they are more work and very exasperating to their parents. This might just be her way of vocalizing the fear that you may WANT her gone, so she is getting used to the idea.

 

Now, I don't think you did anything to cause that fear....I just think sometimes, some kids are more on the offensive than defensive...sort of preparing themselves for what they think is going to happen.

 

if she says stuff like that, say: You will always have a home with me and when you are ready to move out onto your own, I am still your Mommy. Or something of that nature....

:grouphug:

Faithe

 

ETA: I am an adopted kid and I always had those fears that my parents would give me back if I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It was not them...it was my insecurity. There is alot going on in an adopted kids psyche and I still deal with detachment issues and insecurity. Hug your girl for me!

Edited July 10, 2010 by Mommyfaithe

[Mommyfaithe]

:iagree:

 

I don't know anything about you situation, BUT the folks I know that have adopted children tell me that more than most, these DCs need extra re-assurances that you are Mommy forever, and will test to see if you'll love them 'no-matter-what' with obnoxious declarations and with terrible behavior, just to prove it. It might not even be conscious. I agree with the other posters too to respond constructively and with lots of :grouphug:.

 

:iagree: and then the guilt issues that follow...ugh!

[lvbnhome]

What I'd want to say is ," well, I'm looking forward to it too!"

 

:iagree: and said with a smile...and then followed up with a little funny...like "you know...i just loooooovvvveeee you"

 

Anyone who's had a teen leave home angry...can relate...so:grouphug:

 

It gets better...but I think they grow us up..in our responses and we don't know how to respond...until these things come our way.:grouphug:

[6packofun]

LOL Yep. I think the OP should put on her excited voice and say, "I know!! It's going to be so exciting to decide whether or not you want to spend a lot of money on a nice place and have to eat really cheap food or find a really tiny place and eat like crazy! And, gosh, will you pay your water bill or electric bill by check or credit card--OH, only if you have good credit, that is, but I'm sure you'll figure all that fun stuff out!" Something like that.

 

As for the missing mom when she's gone comment, that sounds utterly passive aggressive and I'd blow it off or say that "I'll probably miss you, too, sometime during the huge party in heaven that I'm enjoying!" Throw in a "YEEHHAAAW!" if you want.

[MBM]

A friend of ours who is a professor emeritus at Northwestern U and who still works with abused foster kids told us that it's not unusual for adopted and foster children to state things like that.

 

Many of the responses others have suggested sound good to me. Just answer with love, empathy and reassurance.

:grouphug:

[freetobeme]

dd 9, says to us this a.m., "I can't wait until I'm old enough to leave here!"

 

She's also been saying to me, "I'm going to miss you when you're gone." Huh? When I ask where I'm going she doesn't have an answer.

 

first of all, :grouphug:

i have NO experience with adoption, but i've had FIVE 9-year-olds (three female). i can totally see this as testing you, especially maybe even BECAUSE she is adopted. does she know the circumstances of her own adoption? i am not saying she should if she doesn't or shouldn't, but maybe she is bating you for whether you will leave her/abandon her/etc. because of whatever she perceives as the reason she is now yours.

hang in there. i am sure you are a great mom. just keep loving her. my own biological children who love me and know that i love them forever are often less than gracious and appreciative towards me.

:grouphug: and please disregard anything i've said that you know cannot be the cause!

[KatieJ]

I'll love you no matter where you live.

[IsabelC]

I remember that when I hit puberty I spent several years feeling miserable and longing to move out. But it didn't happen: I ended up living more or less happily with my folks until I married at age 22. So I wouldn't get too worried about your 9yo yet.

[Aggie]

When my then 4yods said something about leaving, he was talking about after he gets married. (Durn right.) Do you think she's imaging life when she's married and setting up her own home?

 

Where is your mom? Does she know that moms (sometimes) pass away, live in a different state, or just don't visit often?

 

:grouphug:

[In2why]

dd 9, says to us this a.m., "I can't wait until I'm old enough to leave here!"

 

She's also been saying to me, "I'm going to miss you when you're gone." Huh? When I ask where I'm going she doesn't have an answer.

 

My response so far has been.

1. That's okay to feel that way. When you're grown up you should feel ready to live on your own. It's a sign you're growing up and that's OK.

 

2. Just remember to not "burn your bridges" and leave in anger or disrespect.

 

3. We've got a college fund for your so you can study for your future occupation. But it's not something we can give you before you turn 18 and have been accepted at a college.

 

4. I love you and I'll miss you.

 

5. Yes, it's OK that you do things differently than I.

 

So this is my ADHDer, my child who's struggling the most with her adoption, and the child who pushes my every last button each day.

 

Anything else I can do to stay calm in this next chapter of life?

 

My 2 youngest were adopted and we get some of that from the 11 y/o. I think it is because as they process the adoption, no matter what they have to process the fact that they were abandoned by their birth mother. Even if that wasn't the case at all, they take it personally and think there is something wrong with them that makes them unlovable. I think the extra reassurance is needed without falling for the manipulation side that girls so famously can use to their advantage.

I think honestly and openness are always the best policy. If she is mentioning missing you when you are gone, as in dead that would have to be a sit down conversation whether she wants it or not. She is obviously looking for a reaction, so she shouldn't be surprised when she gets one.

A serious....Do you think I am dying" Do you want me to die? How do you think that makes me feel when you talk about me dying? How does it make you feel? Do you know that if I were to die we have a plan to take care of you anyway? No getting off the hook and pretending it is a joke, because on some level it isn't. As for the can't wait to move out part.....all kids think that is the great Nirvanna.....really scare her and tell her you are thinking about moving to college with her because you will miss her so much and that when she gets a house you want your room to be beige. :lol:

Or you could be blessed with my youngest who looks up at me with big puppy dog eyes and tells me he isn't ever getting married because then he would need to move out and he is going to live with me FOREVER. (Heaven forbid)

[CalicoKat]

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts.

 

I do think that part of this out of fear that she'll be abandoned again. She's been having a struggle with the whole idea of why didn't my mom keep me. It's soo hard to have to tell her this.

 

I wonder if my 4 yo son has been talking about his birth mom who passed away 6 months ago. We had to tell him. It wasn't too soon. He isn't too young to know. No tomatoe's please. DH and told him alone. And I haven't heard him mention it to his sibs but I wonder.

 

I do wonder about sleeping with one eye open. This child does wake up and wander the house, empty out the fridge and pantry nightly. No locks don't work. She's figured out how to pick them. So we don't. But I have started going over the week's menu with her so she can see how I need those ingredients and without them I don't have a meal.

 

As for leaving when she's older. I'll just see which answer works best in the moment. Any of the additional insightful answers you've all provided might just be the one to convince her to stick around while the getting's good.

 

Taking deep breathes,

Calico

[woolybear]

It's really hard to hear words like that and not take it personally. On the other hand, think about the alternative? Having her 35 and not wanting to leave?:D It's hard to tell her intention from what you've told us. Do you think she's just really looking forward to being grown up and on her own? Or do you think she's trying to tell you how much she doesn't like being where she is? I have a ds who has said similiar things with different intentions. He has told me many times things like, "I can't wait till I'm grown up and have my own apartment. Then I can watch tv as much as I like!" It does get under my skin and it's not exactly a life goal I am proud of, but I think the less I react the less weight it carries with him. For awhile he had a whole plan figured out with his little brother. Again, I can't say I was thrilled with his ideas, but I am sure it will change many times before the time actually arrives.

 

It can just be a strong independent streak, but it can also be a way of letting you know they don't like certain things at home. I try not to stress too much about it, because I'm not going to fold and say, "Aww...you're right...you should be able to watch t.v. all day long.":lol: