Should I say something, or stay out of it?

[NanceXToo]

My mother just called me, and she's very upset.

 

She lives with my brother and sister-in-law and nephews. She's got two rooms up on the third floor to herself, like a bedroom and sitting/computer room, and they share the kitchen and bathroom and household expenses.

 

They tend to get on each other's nerves though, kind of have conflicting personalities, and don't really tend to share many meals or spend much time together down in the main living room or anything like that for whatever reason.

 

So anyway my brother's oldest daughter from a previous marriage just flew out for the first time in quite a while, to spend part of the summer (she lives in NC, we live in PA, so we don't see her often). My mother paid for her airfare because my brother is struggling a bit financially.

 

So they just got home this evening from the airport, and my mother was sitting downstairs so she could see my niece, and was hanging out with her and the other kids, and my brother went in the kitchen and made some spaghetti or something, and then called his kids in to eat.

 

So my mother's still sitting there in the living room, and she hears my brother say to a neighborhood kid who had been hanging out with my nephews all day, "Are you hungry? There's enough here if you want to eat."

 

But he didn't invite my mother to eat with them.

 

So she went upstairs and called me all upset about it and was like "I just paid for his daughter to fly out here and he couldn't even say to me, 'Hey, Ma, you want to sit down and eat with us?' on her first night here!"

 

And then she started crying and said "I have to get off this phone" and hung up.

 

:(

 

I feel bad for her.

 

Should I even bother saying anything to him, like "Hey, you really should have invited her!" Or maybe "You should go talk to her, she's pretty upset."

 

Or do I just stay out of it since what's done is done and saying something to him might just put him on the defensive and start more drama between the two of them? Which isn't all that unlikely. I don't even know what I can say if I were to email her or try to call her back that would make her feel better. I do think he's a little brain dead though and if she had just wandered in and said "Hey, mind if I grab a plate and sit with you guys tonight?" He would have said "sure, no problem, help yourself" but she'd have felt awkward doing that, and he just didn't think or didn't bother to extend an invitation to her.

 

Blah.

[LauraGB]

My first thought is that he called "everyone" to dinner, considering Mom was sitting with the kids, but that Mom was upset because wasn't personally invited to join. If I were you, I'd call my brother to get the rest of the story, just to make myself feel better (or worse, because if he really had no intention feeding his mother for dinner, I'd be really upset).

[EJCMom]

Do you think it's possible that he just assumed that she knew she was 'invited' to eat? I even hesitate to use the word 'invited' because since she lives there, I would think it would be a given that she is welcome to partake in any meals.

 

As far as what you should do...I don't know. It's kind of a tough situation. What if you brought up the living situation casually with your brother and just encourage him to sit down and talk with your mother about any issues that he says he is having? Like, if you just casually asked how things are going, giving him the opportunity to say, "Mom is getting on my nerves because of XYZ." And then just suggest that they sit down and talk about each other's expectations. That way, he doesn't feel defensive, yet they might actually have the chance to clear the air a little bit.

 

You're in a tough spot. Since you don't live there, anything you say to him with regard to how your mother is feeling might make him feel defensive, and could ultimately strain their relationship even more.

[HRAAB]

If it were me, it would depend on the type of relationship I have with my sibling. If we were close, I think I might mention that I thought there had been a misunderstanding.

 

It sounds to me like your mother was probably included, but then without knowing the specific family dynamics, maybe she did need a personal invitation.

 

It's horrible to be put in these situations not knowing what to do or wondering if you do something if it'll make it worse.

[Mrs Mungo]

My first thought is that he called "everyone" to dinner, considering Mom was sitting with the kids, but that Mom was upset because wasn't personally invited to join. If I were you, I'd call my brother to get the rest of the story, just to make myself feel better (or worse, because if he really had no intention feeding his mother for dinner, I'd be really upset).

 

:iagree: I would assume that when he called the family, he was including her in his mind.

[katemary63]

Do you think it's possible that he just assumed that she knew she was 'invited' to eat? I even hesitate to use the word 'invited' because since she lives there, I would think it would be a given that she is welcome to partake in any meals.

 

:iagree:This situation just doens't make any sense to me unless they are not even on speaking terms...?

[Tap]

My first guess is that they didn't feel the need to invite her by name and assumed she would join in if she wanted to.

 

My second thought is that she has commented in the past about maybe a difference in meal needs/wants, and this is why they don't eat together. The brother may have assumed that she wouldn't want this meal either.

[NanceXToo]

I don't know, it's this whole awkward dynamic over there, really. When they first started living together, they used to share dinners. But my brother and sister-in-law got annoyed or something because they felt like they cooked and my mother didn't do as much of the cooking, and that she'd just show up downstairs like 5 minutes til dinner time but never really offered to help out with preparing the meal or setting the table or getting the kids meals together (although she did wash dishes), and it would get on their nerves, and somehow or other they ended up saying "let's just do meals separately."

 

So my brother will usually just make dinner for his family unit, and my mother will usually just feed herself frozen meals at a different time because she can't be bothered to cook for herself (she never was much of a cook, I inherited that from her haha), and that's just sort of the way it goes over there.

 

She for whatever reason will not ever invite herself to eat with them and won't just assume that she IS invited, unless he specifically says to her "do you want to eat with us tonight." Which he either didn't want to do or didn't think to do.

 

She's really hurt that on this of all nights, when her granddaughter, whose airline ticket she paid for, just came out, she wasn't invited to share a family dinner with them all. She's upset by it and understandably so.

 

I do have a pretty good relationship with my brother but I think if I say something to him he's just going to get annoyed (at my mother, not me) and take a "she's being so dramatic, she could have just come in" kind of attitude and it may put a further strain on the two of them, which wouldn't exactly help my mother, I guess.

 

Ugh. I guess I just needed to vent because her calling me and then crying made me feel pretty helpless myself.

[rwjx2khsmj]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NanceXToo}}}}}}}}}}

I can understand why you feel helpless and need to vent. Grownups should be able to handle relationship/communication issues in a more...well, grownup way.

 

My mil would do this. There is one instance where she got her feelings hurt because I asked all the children what kind of sandwich they wanted but left her to make her own.

 

And really, it's time for mom to put on her big girl panties and woman up. If she wants to join her family for dinner, then she can say something like, "I'd like to join you this evening since there is extra." Or if she doesn't want to eat but just visit she can pull up a chair.

 

Crying in her room really isn't a very adult (or motherly) reaction to the perceived slight.

 

I'm sure your brother would roll his eyes and feel irritated if you called to let him know mom was crying upstairs. She is the mother and he is the son. It sounds like manipulation to me. And lack of communication on both sides.

[Starr]

I think you are quite a distance away to solve their communication problems. It's no doubt a two sided issue. I'm sorry.

[Tap]

Oh, I forgot to answer your question.

 

No way would I get involved.

 

 

It is two adults. They live together. They had a pre existing arrangement. Would you expect your mother to go to your husband if you told her you were mad at him? I would guess 'not'. Just be the sounding board to her for the day, and if she mentions it in the future, then say "you should really talk to your son about it" and change the subject.

 

If you start getting mixed into the war, you will be forced to take sides and that will end up with your relationship with one or the other, being the 'collateral damage'. Do Not let your mother manipulate you into solving her problems.

 

Remember the game Telephone, where you tell someone something and then they tell the next person, and son on. By the end it never ends up being the same story. You getting involved, will get this never ending game started about a conversation that you weren't even privy to in the first place. BAD idea in my book.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[Slartibartfast]

It sounds like drama, I would declare myself Switzerland and start practicing my yoddeling.

[LauraGB]

I would call my brother anyway. If he took Mom in, then there must be a reason. And if he extended this gift to his mother, he needs to take on all the responsibilities of caring for an elderly family member. Period.

 

I guess, if I were you, I would just call and say hi and all that jazz, but then something to the effect of "Mom called me earlier. She said she felt bad that she wasn't invited to dinner with the grandchildren...so what's the real story?" And keep it light, non-accusatory. I mean, she called you looking for a sympathetic ear - you are really just following up, doing your daughterly duty, but also being a supportive sibling to your brother.

 

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I would not talk with your brother about this. Your mom may have told it to you in confidence. If so, she will feel betrayed if you talk with him. She may have told you so that you WILL talk with him. If so, and you do, he will feel like she went behind his back to make him look bad.

 

I would think that he would have invited her to join them.

 

But I wouldn't express that to anyone, because frankly it would be none of my business.

 

And given that the brother didn't think that the mom was cooking enough, maybe she should go out of her way to cook a big shared meal now and then for everyone. It would be a nice gesture, and do no harm. Having said that, I think that your brother and his family deserve a lot of credit for giving her a home, and they deserve a little space, but they should also be more gracious. So what if she doesn't cook as much as they do. She is not the one with the big family to feed. But all of this is really none of my business, and not really much of yours in this case.

 

I would stay out of it. Getting involved will do no good and possibly a lot of harm.

[Carrie12345]

I can only answer how *my* family would handle it, and that would involve one sister calling the other up and pretty much saying "WTH?!? Go tell Mom you're sorry you didn't give her an engraved invitation and you'd never intentionally upset her." That would be after telling Mom "WTH?!? Sit and have dinner with your granddaughter!"

 

But we (sisters) have always been very direct when it comes to things with our (passive-agressive) mother.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship going on in that house.

[Lolly]

I would stay out of it. I would not assume that your brother was at fault. That is coming from someone who lives with their fil. I'm sure his other kids get some awfully interesting stories that make me sound horrid. They are only getting the one side of the story. I really don't want to give them the other. They might not like dad when I was done. The day one of them does complain is the day I move out and they can take over the problem. Of course, that is why they would never say anything. They know they couldn't live with him.

[NanceXToo]

I appreciate the responses, all!

 

I did not say anything to my brother. I did send my mom an email and told her that I could understand why she was upset and that she should try not to take it too personally, that she knows my brother is pretty scatter brained to begin with and that I think it just didn't cross his mind at all to issue a separate invitation even though I was sure he wouldn't have minded if she had joined in with them.

 

And to the person who said that she wasn't being very adult about it either and could have handled it differently, you're right. My family has always been pretty dysfunctional though lol.

 

Anyway my mom seems to be in at least somewhat better spirits and after taking off to do some shopping with my SIL for our Fourth of July bbq, so am I :)

 

I'm glad I didn't cause further drama by saying something to my brother spur of the moment, and that I just posted here first :D

[missmoe]

No, if you need to ask the answer is no. Don't get involved, but feel free to vent all you want to us! That's one of the reasons we're here.

[NanceXToo]

I would call my brother anyway. If he took Mom in, then there must be a reason. And if he extended this gift to his mother, he needs to take on all the responsibilities of caring for an elderly family member. Period.

 

Well, the thing about that is my mother pays half of the bills in that house- half their mortgage, half the phone and cable bills, even half of the water and electric, even though she's only one person compared to their 5. Truthfully, I don't think they'd ever be able to afford all their bills on their own if she weren't living there. They also have someone right there if they ever need to say "Hey can you keep an eye on the kids while we do this or that."

 

Sometimes I do think they get too easily annoyed with her and aren't as nice to her as they could be. Of course, I know my mother CAN be kinda annoying about things, too. I wouldn't want to live with her lol. I agree that it's NOT particularly a healthy relationship and I have told her more than once that she'd probably be better off just getting an apartment on her own. But she says that she would feel bad if she left them in financial trouble. And she's admitted that now that she's getting older (she's in her 70's), she likes knowing that someone's there with her and that she's not living all alone.

 

I think my brother and sister-in-law kind of resent that they need to depend on my mother and don't really love having someone else living with them, whose personality is different from their own... but it is what it is. They are all making choices and they all have to work it out, but sometimes I just get put in the middle and it can be a little hard.

[LauraGB]

Well, the thing about that is my mother pays half of the bills in that house- half their mortgage, half the phone and cable bills, even half of the water and electric, even though she's only one person compared to their 5. Truthfully, I don't think they'd ever be able to afford all their bills on their own if she weren't living there. They also have someone right there if they ever need to say "Hey can you keep an eye on the kids while we do this or that."

 

Sometimes I do think they get too easily annoyed with her and aren't as nice to her as they could be. Of course, I know my mother CAN be kinda annoying about things, too. I wouldn't want to live with her lol. I agree that it's NOT particularly a healthy relationship and I have told her more than once that she'd probably be better off just getting an apartment on her own. But she says that she would feel bad if she left them in financial trouble. And she's admitted that now that she's getting older (she's in her 70's), she likes knowing that someone's there with her and that she's not living all alone.

 

I think my brother and sister-in-law kind of resent that they need to depend on my mother and don't really love having someone else living with them, whose personality is different from their own... but it is what it is. They are all making choices and they all have to work it out, but sometimes I just get put in the middle and it can be a little hard.

 

That is a difficult position for you. In that case, honestly, I would still call to find out the other side of the story. I know most of the other posters say they wouldn't, but I've seen so many instances where family meant well, but the elderly parent's last years were difficult because of constant misunderstandings. Maybe there is a health issue Mom is dealing with that doesn't seem to be clear and present on a daily basis, in which case, an outside view is helpful, especially if it's someone who knows the people involved. I don't know. I give you lots of :grouphug: as you try to decide what to do.

[QuirkyKapers]

It sounds like drama, I would declare myself Switzerland and start practicing my yoddeling.

 

:iagree: If your mom is still upset about it the next time she talks with you, I would be sympathetic but encourage her to talk to your brother. However, I don't know all the dynamics and if that hasn't worked in the past, your mom might feel stuck.

[Halftime Hope]

I would stay out of it. I would not assume that your brother was at fault. That is coming from someone who lives with their fil. I'm sure his other kids get some awfully interesting stories that make me sound horrid. They are only getting the one side of the story. I really don't want to give them the other. They might not like dad when I was done. The day one of them does complain is the day I move out and they can take over the problem. Of course, that is why they would never say anything. They know they couldn't live with him.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

Of course, my FIL had to put up with my foibles, too. For some odd reason, I didn't like the dogs' dish on the kitchen counter when he was mixing up their food, and things like that! :)

[Lolly]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

Of course, my FIL had to put up with my foibles, too. For some odd reason, I didn't like the dogs' dish on the kitchen counter when he was mixing up their food, and things like that! :)

 

Yeah, I tend to do things like leave the door unlocked when I go out to water flowers and sometimes, I leave folded laundry in the laundry room overnight. My kids even are outside at 8:30 sometimes (note the ages)...it might get dark you know! Drives him insane.

[carolinagirl]

Boy I can see both sides, but I think I would have to agree with the rest saying to stay out of it.

 

My mother moved in with us last fall and you would be amazed at how difficult a thing it can be. Of the three kids, I was the only one who could shoulder the burden, and if my brothers called me up to lecture me on something she told them...I'd probably put Mom on a plane to them! No, not really, but you get what I mean.

 

There's a lot that goes on and unless you're there, you're not getting the entire story.

 

The only thing that I can see though that is a bit concerning is that she's paying quite a bit and helping them out financially. I can see how that might cause even more strain, like you said, maybe some resentment. Hopefully they can work it out in time.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would call him and just say that you're imagining that mom had the wrong impression and didn't know she was invited as well. I'd ask if he could try to mention including her specifically, so she's clear in the future. I don't know what I'd say - well maybe but it wouldn't be fit for print here - if he intentionally mentioned all his children's names and left his mom out of it. :tongue_smilie:

[Guest ToGMom]

As someone who has had their MIL living in their home, I would stay out of it...remember there are 2 sides to every story and things are not always as the parent would like to imagine they are.

 

My MIL was easily offended and would "go off" at the slightest things...when I had absolutely NO idea why she was upset.

 

She would go and tell the entire world what I had done/not done...but wouldn't talk to me about it.

 

When you talk to her again, you should encourage her to talk to your brother about things that are bothering her...things can't be fixed if your brother doesn't know about them. ;)

[WishboneDawn]

 

So she went upstairs and called me all upset about it and was like "I just paid for his daughter to fly out here and he couldn't even say to me, 'Hey, Ma, you want to sit down and eat with us?' on her first night here!"

 

 

She could have simply gone in and said she'd like to join them. That's pretty much the most reasonable and straight forward approach. If this is standard behaviour for her, leaving when she doesn't get a specific invitation and then calling someone else to complain rather then discussing it with the party that offended her then your brother could be assuming she simply doesn't wish to join him and so stopped bothering to invite her. Or he could simply see her as an adult member of the family that has every right to join supper without a special invitation.

 

I'm probably being way too harsh and this is coming from my own experience but I find people who wait around for invitations generally enjoy the drama of not receiving them.

 

Maybe give your brother a call and give him a heads up on how she feels so he'll have a better view of what's going on but I wouldn't have a lot of patience for a grown woman calling me to complain about something she's perfectly capable of addressing herself.

[angela in ohio]

My first thought is that he called "everyone" to dinner, considering Mom was sitting with the kids, but that Mom was upset because wasn't personally invited to join. If I were you, I'd call my brother to get the rest of the story, just to make myself feel better (or worse, because if he really had no intention feeding his mother for dinner, I'd be really upset).

 

She could have simply gone in and said she'd like to join them. That's pretty much the most reasonable and straight forward approach. If this is standard behaviour for her, leaving when she doesn't get a specific invitation and then calling someone else to complain rather then discussing it with the party that offended her then your brother could be assuming she simply doesn't wish to join him and so stopped bothering to invite her. Or he could simply see her as an adult member of the family that has every right to join supper without a special invitation.

 

I'm probably being way too harsh and this is coming from my own experience but I find people who wait around for invitations generally enjoy the drama of not receiving them.

 

Maybe give your brother a call and give him a heads up on how she feels so he'll have a better view of what's going on but I wouldn't have a lot of patience for a grown woman calling me to complain about something she's perfectly capable of addressing herself.

 

:iagree:

[NanceXToo]

She could have simply gone in and said she'd like to join them. That's pretty much the most reasonable and straight forward approach. If this is standard behaviour for her, leaving when she doesn't get a specific invitation and then calling someone else to complain rather then discussing it with the party that offended her...

 

I agree! I did mention to her that I was sure she could have just gone in and said "Hey mind if I sit with you guys tonight?" and he would likely have said "Oh, sure, no problem" and that would have been that.

 

But that's not her way. This IS standard behavior for her. I usually fall somewhere in the middle of how I feel about the whole dynamic over there, that he can be hard on her, and she can be overly dramatic... I'm just glad it's not me. Living with a husband and kids is drama enough for me. I couldn't deal with a mother or mother-in-law on top of it lol.

 

Thanks again for everyone's response, I appreciate it!

[JFSinIL]

Do you think it's possible that he just assumed that she knew she was 'invited' to eat? I even hesitate to use the word 'invited' because since she lives there, I would think it would be a given that she is welcome to partake in any meals.

 

.

 

I agree. Your mom should have had the sense to get up and go to the table. i'd stay out of it if I were you. If she starts to go on and on about it on the phone - change the subject.

[texasmama]

In my mind, unless your mother is cognitively impaired or being abused, this is an issue between her and her son/his family and has nothing to do with you. For you to get involved crosses boundaries and sets a bad precedent of your mother depending on your to solve problems which don't concern you directly. It is fine to listen and give sympathy, but she needs to talk to your brother herself.

[Okra]

I would assume that all family that lives there would be automatically invited to eat in this situation.

[teamturner]

My mom has a history of telling one of my siblings when she is mad at me rather than coming to me about it. And she does the same when it's my brothers who have offended her. It's very immature and not very healthy. In your case, I would discourage your mother from speaking to you about the issues that come up, but rather direct her to speak w/your brother about it.

 

On another note, I don't understand why your brother and sil were unhappy about your mother's lack of cooking when she was helping with the clean up. That arrangement would work perfectly fine for me, especially if the person doing the cleaning up wasn't the best cook and was elderly! And she's paying half the bills!! I can't believe that they are letting an elderly woman exist on frozen dinners. That's just so sad to me. :confused:

[MariannNOVA]

I haven't read all of the replies but I tend to agree with Starr - there is a distance issue and that might not be the best way too approach communication problems.

 

That being said, my mom lives with my sister and her husband and their children. My mom has a sweet set-up.............the other side of the coin is that my mom does ALOT for my sister.

 

I have heard countless stories from my mom about 'not being called to dinner' if she happens to be downstairs when dinner is served. My mom typically goes up to her suite when my sister arrives home and eats alone up there - that is the way she WANTS to do it.

 

My mom (and this is why I am writing) also seems to need to be invited to everything personally by name - her name only - not as part of the family unit that lives in the house. If someone calls to invite my sister and family to Seder, my mom cannot be INCLUDED in THAT invitation. The person has to call my mom on my mom's phone number and invite her personally. Cards cannot be sent to 'The Name of the Sister's Family' AND 'My mom's name.' Two cards have to be sent. You KWIM?

 

In my mom's case, I see it as a dynamic that has developed between my mom and my sister's family and I stay as FAR away from it as I can. I listen to my mom (and she cries and complains) but I know (as I am sure that you do) that there is another side to the story.

 

I also watched my grandmother (who lived with us from the time I was five years old) have the same issues with my mom (who was her daughter).

 

I'm sorry - I know how tough it is to have your mom crying on the other end of the phone.:grouphug: