Inappropriate, tacky, or ?? comment...

[Remudamom]

You should have commented that just because the males in HER family keep those mags around doesn't mean the ones in your family do.

 

Then ask her what she's doing to combat the porn addiction in her household.

[A.D.]

You should have commented that just because the males in HER family keep those mags around doesn't mean the ones in your family do.

 

Then ask her what she's doing to combat the porn addiction in her household.

 

That sounds like a perfectly rational response that will not lead to ill will or hard feelings.

[Remudamom]

That sounds like a perfectly rational response that will not lead to ill will or hard feelings.

 

Do I sense a touch of sarcasm?:lol::lol:

[elizabeth]

I would have made a further joke of it and said "hey, I didn't say we were going in MY room" and left it at that. ;) But, that's just me.

 

Humor is a great way to call attention to her faux pas and at the same time communicate that you personally have no particular wish to villify those who read Playboy . You always have really good ideas especially on handling potentially volatile , divisive subjects. I do not and am more confrontational often giving me very poor results except in a courtroom where divisiveness and dare I admit, a sharp tongue are prized. Problem solving ? Not so much. But if you are hit by a city bus I am your gal.:lol:

[Brilliant]

... I also agree with the person who said it is rude to call attention to someone's rudeness.

 

Jenny

 

I have been thinking about this after reading the responses yesterday. And I agree with this in most circumstances concerning guests. For example, if a young person is having a meal with us and gets grabby with the food - I'm not going to cry out, "You pig, leave some for the rest of us!" I'll say, "Hey, there are 8 of us sharing those pizzas; let's all start with 2 slices until everybody has had a chance to get some."

 

But I thought the Playboy comment yesterday was more than an etiquette violation. It was crude, and insulting to my son. If it had simply been a passing remark about her own reading habits, I probably would have just said, "TMI!" But addressing it to my son...ick.

 

I found out from dh last night that it wasn't the first time she had made that implication - she had recently asked ds for help with something on her laptop, and warned him that he couldn't access the porn sites because they were password-protected! Double-ick! I really wish dh had addressed it then; he probably would have been more tactful than I was. But he and ds both ignored it, which is why she felt free to say something similar again. So that's too bad.

 

It's interesting that both times, the comments were not made in front of my 14yo - they were directed TO him.

 

We exchanged texts late yesterday afternoon about something unrelated. So it has blown over. I understand that some of you think my reaction was an over-reaction, or just rude...but, I am pretty sure she won't talk to my ds that way again.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it may have to do with one's opinion of pornography, masturbation, and sexuality. Those who believe Playboy is morally offensive are likely to have a different view of their children being said to read it, than those who openly subscribe themselves.

 

We don't subscribe to playboy or have that kind of stuff in the house. I just found some of the reactions over-the-top. The OP says it's blown over, obviously, she's not going to cut off contact or anything. That seemed really extreme.

 

I wouldn't have reacted as negatively as some of the previous posters. I would have taken it as it was intended, a joke. Agreed, it was a bit tacky, but IMHO, it wasn't intended with malice. Obviously, the visitor didn't know the OP's morals/family very well. After being yelled at for the comment, if I had been the visitor, I would have backpeddled and not let the subject drop until I felt I had defended myself or apologized.

 

I agree.

 

You should have commented that just because the males in HER family keep those mags around doesn't mean the ones in your family do.

 

Then ask her what she's doing to combat the porn addiction in her household.

 

See? I think humor in these situations generally leads to a better result than freaking out.

 

Humor is a great way to call attention to her faux pas and at the same time communicate that you personally have no particular wish to villify those who read Playboy . You always have really good ideas especially on handling potentially volatile , divisive subjects. I do not and am more confrontational often giving me very poor results except in a courtroom where divisiveness and dare I admit, a sharp tongue are prized. Problem solving ? Not so much. But if you are hit by a city bus I am your gal.:lol:

 

There are times with the other side of my nature comes through and then, yikes. I'm glad to know I have someone in my corner if I get hit by a bus, Hawaii has a disproportionate number of pedestrians hit by cars. :tongue_smilie::lol:

[secular_mom]

I think it's just icky for another adult to talk to a teen about things that *I* feel should remain very private UNLESS the person the comments are directed to has chosen to share such details. Teens should ESPECIALLY have privacy, they are going through enough awkward situations, without having an adult imply that they are behaving a certain way in private while also implying that the behavior is something shameful.

[herbalgirl]

Oh, my, YES, it was tacky and rude! Good for you to speak up. I had an uncle who insisted on making very raunchy comments around me, then started doing it around one son who was, oh, maybe FIVE at the time!! :glare: I told him to please stop it. It always made me feel like I had to go take a shower after being around him... Yuck.

[Laurie4b]

I have been thinking about this after reading the responses yesterday. And I agree with this in most circumstances concerning guests. For example, if a young person is having a meal with us and gets grabby with the food - I'm not going to cry out, "You pig, leave some for the rest of us!" I'll say, "Hey, there are 8 of us sharing those pizzas; let's all start with 2 slices until everybody has had a chance to get some."

 

But I thought the Playboy comment yesterday was more than an etiquette violation. It was crude, and insulting to my son. If it had simply been a passing remark about her own reading habits, I probably would have just said, "TMI!" But addressing it to my son...ick.

 

I found out from dh last night that it wasn't the first time she had made that implication - she had recently asked ds for help with something on her laptop, and warned him that he couldn't access the porn sites because they were password-protected! Double-ick! I really wish dh had addressed it then; he probably would have been more tactful than I was. But he and ds both ignored it, which is why she felt free to say something similar again. So that's too bad.

 

It's interesting that both times, the comments were not made in front of my 14yo - they were directed TO him.

 

We exchanged texts late yesterday afternoon about something unrelated. So it has blown over. I understand that some of you think my reaction was an over-reaction, or just rude...but, I am pretty sure she won't talk to my ds that way again.

 

I find the older women interested in the joking about/thinking about/unearthing the sexuality of teenaged boys icky as well. Got one in my family who believes that their acne will clear up when they have intercourse. Yes, and she is otherwise intelligent. It grosses me out to think of her checking out the young guys complexions and nodding knowingly when they clear up. gag.

[Nakia]

I have been thinking about this after reading the responses yesterday. And I agree with this in most circumstances concerning guests. For example, if a young person is having a meal with us and gets grabby with the food - I'm not going to cry out, "You pig, leave some for the rest of us!" I'll say, "Hey, there are 8 of us sharing those pizzas; let's all start with 2 slices until everybody has had a chance to get some."

 

But I thought the Playboy comment yesterday was more than an etiquette violation. It was crude, and insulting to my son. If it had simply been a passing remark about her own reading habits, I probably would have just said, "TMI!" But addressing it to my son...ick.

 

I found out from dh last night that it wasn't the first time she had made that implication - she had recently asked ds for help with something on her laptop, and warned him that he couldn't access the porn sites because they were password-protected! Double-ick! I really wish dh had addressed it then; he probably would have been more tactful than I was. But he and ds both ignored it, which is why she felt free to say something similar again. So that's too bad.

 

It's interesting that both times, the comments were not made in front of my 14yo - they were directed TO him.

 

We exchanged texts late yesterday afternoon about something unrelated. So it has blown over. I understand that some of you think my reaction was an over-reaction, or just rude...but, I am pretty sure she won't talk to my ds that way again.

 

Since you shared about the other incident with this woman, I am definitely getting an icky feeling from it. It almost seems like she is baiting your son. Totally inappopriate.

 

I'm glad that it's blown over. Maybe she will let up now.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Does she spend an inordinate amount of time watching 3 1/2 men?

[secular_mom]

Does she spend an inordinate amount of time watching 3 1/2 men?

:lol:

[Joanne]

Interesting thread.

 

That kind of humor is rampant in our family culture. She'd fit right in.:D

 

Of course, I'd be happy if the only porn my kids are exposed to or seek is Playboy. :001_huh: The availability of very graphic, fetish, extreme and exaggerated porn vs. what I had exposure to when I was teen concerns me.

 

I *am* against the porn industry, but I'm not aghast at the thought that my teen son might ..... imagine, look and wonder.

[Miss Sherry]

My 14yo ds wanted to show some visitors his Ham radio setup in his bedroom. An adult, female, visitor asked, "Can we see it now? Or do you have to go up and hide your Playboy magazines first?" :blink:

 

I was flabbergasted. She smirked like it was the funniest thing she'd ever said. I finally managed to say, loudly, "That was NOT appropriate!" At which point she got defensive and continued along the same line, until I said "We are changing the subject!"

 

Is it just me? Or was she out of line? What would you have done?

 

Yes it was inappropriate. She was out of line. If someone had said something like that to my son when he was that age he would have thought it was odd too and probably would have said so , but after they left. My son has a mind of his own enough (and did at 14) that someone saying something like that to him really wouldn't cause any harm except for him to think they say dumb things. I might have even laughed out of nervousness that someone would say such a goofy thing to my 14 year old - not because it was funny but because it was so out of place to say - unless I was too mad to laugh. It's odd to me that she kept talking along the same line after you said it was inappropriate. Is she not too bright or what ? I probably at that point would have left the room leaving her standing there talking to just herself. LOL

[Miss Sherry]

........

 

I found out from dh last night that it wasn't the first time she had made that implication - she had recently asked ds for help with something on her laptop, and warned him that he couldn't access the porn sites because they were password-protected! Double-ick! I really wish dh had addressed it then; he probably would have been more tactful than I was. But he and ds both ignored it, which is why she felt free to say something similar again. So that's too bad.

 

......

Now after reading some more of the comments you have said about this women, including the one "that's the way things are" to justify her rude comment, she really gives me the creeps.

Why are you even associating with her ? I would warn your son not to have any contact with her if she ever approaches him and all invites to her would discontinue.

Like she said " that's the way the world is" and there are adult women who have seduced young men or boys, is also "the way the world is" unfortunately. Because she is pushing the subject I would push her away. The fact she keeps alluding to sexuality in connection with your son says her mind is where it does not belong and she doesn't belong anywhere around your son.

So what have you got to lose by cutting contact with her ? She doesn't sound like a friend worth keeping even if nothing were to come of having her around, but there is a lot to lose if her mind and actions continue down the wrong path. She's already let you know she does not respect boundaries that you want in your home. She's a boundary pusher for sure. How much of a boundary pusher is the question.

Edited June 23, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[gpsings]

Yes tacky. And good for you to stand up to it, and not allow that example to be displayed for your children!

[funschooler5]

Since you shared about the other incident with this woman, I am definitely getting an icky feeling from it. It almost seems like she is baiting your son. Totally inappopriate.

 

I'm glad that it's blown over. Maybe she will let up now.

 

 

:iagree:

 

The first incident on it's own just seemed like a thoughtless remark, but coupled with the second story, it sounds like this woman has some boundary issues.

[Hen]

I know my reaction would have been because of his age, saying something like that to a 17 or 18 year old teenager might have been a bit tacky, and maybe to each his own/culture/etc, but she directed this at a 14 year old boy. After the other part about her comments about the laptop, I find it even more icky.

[lllll]

..

[Jennifer in NH]

It is icky, tacky and inappropriate. Creepy. I think you handled it very well.

[Mergath]

Double post.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Mergath

[Mergath]

Now after reading some more of the comments you have said about this women, including the one "that's the way things are" to justify her rude comment, she really gives me the creeps.

Why are you even associating with her ? I would warn your son not to have any contact with her if she ever approaches him and all invites to her would discontinue.

Like she said " that's the way the world is" and there are adult women who have seduced young men or boys, is also "the way the world is" unfortunately. Because she is pushing the subject I would push her away. The fact she keeps alluding to sexuality in connection with your son says her mind is where it does not belong and she doesn't belong anywhere around your son.

So what have you got to lose by cutting contact with her ? She doesn't sound like a friend worth keeping even if nothing were to come of having her around, but there is a lot to lose if her mind and actions continue down the wrong path. She's already let you know she does not respect boundaries that you want in your home. She's a boundary pusher for sure. How much of a boundary pusher is the question.

 

Good lord, the woman made a bad joke. It doesn't make her a sexual predator. You act like she was leering at the kid and giving him "come hither" glances or something. Lighten up.

 

Also, a lot of fourteen year old boys do have dirty mag collections. It's perfectly normal. They're curious about the details of the female body, so they go to the most readily-accessible source of information. Totally normal.

[LibraryLover]

Good lord, the woman made a bad joke. It doesn't make her a sexual predator. You act like she was leering at the kid and giving him "come hither" glances or something. Lighten up.

 

Also, a lot of fourteen year old boys do have dirty mag collections. It's perfectly normal. They're curious about the details of the female body, so they go to the most readily-accessible source of information. Totally normal.

 

I hope you are not suggesting that most 14 yr old boys masturbate? With or without Playboy?! I am shocked there is gamblng going on here!

[Mergath]

I hope you are not suggesting that most 14 yr old boys masturbate? With or without Playboy?! I am shocked there is gamblng going on here!

 

I refuse to comment on the subject of teenage boys and masturbation. Someone would probably forward the post to the FBI or something. :001_rolleyes:

[LibraryLover]

I refuse to comment on the subject of teenage boys and masturbation. Someone would probably forward the post to the FBI or something. :001_rolleyes:

 

 

So true, so true. ;) Masturbation is the devil's playground and the FBI would be all over you. ;)

[PinkInTheBlue]

I haven't read the other responses.

 

14??? She joked about this with a 14yr old? This is inappropriate with any age, including adult, but 14 is ridiculous! I'm glad you addressed it with her even though she apparently still didn't get it.

[glennis_b]

Wow! That was really rude and inappropriate. I am sorry your son had to see that side of your friend.

[Happy2BaMom]

I found out from dh last night that it wasn't the first time she had made that implication - she had recently asked ds for help with something on her laptop, and warned him that he couldn't access the porn sites because they were password-protected! Double-ick!...

 

It's interesting that both times, the comments were not made in front of my 14yo - they were directed TO him.

 

So she's a repeat offender who uses sexually aggressive humor (much harder to put up boundaries around humor, you know...."I was only joking") directed at your early teenage son.

 

Hmmmm, I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, say if it was an adult male telling a 14-year-old girl not to get into his porn sites, or making suggestive comments about the adult magazines she's undoubtedly indulging in in her room, would anyone's opinion be any different?

 

Perhaps she really is just someone who has an inappropriate sense of humor. I think it's gross & creepy. But then, of course, I'm jaded by my prior experience. My best friend in high school had her younger early-teens brother molested by a married woman who first showed up using all kinds of cutsie, double-entendre humor with the teen boys. Everyone thought she was just a free spirit, a little shocking, but very funny. That situation changed forever my views on grown adults who use suggestive comments on/to teens.

 

And, yes, I understand this is a different situation and a different person. Perhaps this lady is Mrs. Piggle Wiggle in spirit.

 

But I still think it's creepy. And worth staying watchful over.

[Ellyndria]

Perhaps it's the humor I've been hanging around lately, but a ridiculous comment like that deserves a deadpan retort such as, "Not if you'd like to look at them first."

[happi duck]

ick, gross, yuk..."Get out of my house!"

[4besitos]

Totally rude and completely inappropriate and you were right not to tolerate it.

[scrappyhappymama]

So she's a repeat offender who uses sexually aggressive humor (much harder to put up boundaries around humor, you know...."I was only joking") directed at your early teenage son.

 

Hmmmm, I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, say if it was an adult male telling a 14-year-old girl not to get into his porn sites, or making suggestive comments about the adult magazines she's undoubtedly indulging in in her room, would anyone's opinion be any different?

 

Perhaps she really is just someone who has an inappropriate sense of humor. I think it's gross & creepy. But then, of course, I'm jaded by my prior experience. My best friend in high school had her younger early-teens brother molested by a married woman who first showed up using all kinds of cutsie, double-entendre humor with the teen boys. Everyone thought she was just a free spirit, a little shocking, but very funny. That situation changed forever my views on grown adults who use suggestive comments on/to teens.

 

And, yes, I understand this is a different situation and a different person. Perhaps this lady is Mrs. Piggle Wiggle in spirit.

 

But I still think it's creepy. And worth staying watchful over.

 

 

I'm afraid I have to agree. TOTALLY inappropriate. I had the same thought- would it seem like such a harmless, slightly off-color joke if it were Odd Uncle Charlie making off-the-wall, mildly lewd and suggestive remarks to his sweet 14 year old niece? Is it OK simply because she has the presence of mind to laugh it off? Would the fact that she is old enough to already be a little sexually curious mean it's reasonable and polite conversation?

 

Sorry, but I have the unfortunate experience of having been around a relative whose mildly off-color jokes and inappropriate comments to youngsters were non-confrontationally ignored and dismissed as socially awkward behavior. When adults dismiss such behavior out in the open as not a big deal, then confused children tend to think that taking it a step farther and then another step farther in private must be no big deal as well.

 

Doesn't it occur to us that someone who is willing to make such utterly inappropriate comments right there in front of the parents is probably even less likely to restrain themselves from even more inappropriate behavior in private? I am totally cognizant of the varying dynamics of families and the level of joking considered appropriate, but some level should remain among consenting adults, no?

 

There is no.way. this woman, relative or no, would be allowed to be alone with my children. I think mom was well within her mama-bear rights to call her out right then and there.