What do you think about this comment to my son from his coach?

[Halcyon]

So my son has been doing gymnastics for about 9 months. I've posted about his coach before-very demanding, very sparing with compliments. Anyway, yesterday was his last class of the semester and he was trying, yet again, to "get" the back handspring. He has been anxious about his move for about 2 months--I know he can do it, (he can practically do a back flip) but he's nervous and hasn't been able to do it without assistance. Anyway, so he knows it's his last day, and he knows his coach won't be happy if he doesn't do the move. He's very nervous he'll mess up (talking to me about it all week, worried, cracking his knuckles a lot-something he does when he's anxious) and his coach doesn't give second chances (the kid gets one chance to do it, and if he 'messes up' he's told to sit down. So really, he barely gets to practice it at all!) So my son goes up to do it..and he can't. He makes one incorrect move (looking behind him before bending his knees or something) and Coach tells him to sit down, and then says something to him that I don't catch. My son tells me later that the coach said "I'm so disappointed in you, really. You shouldd have been able to do this months ago."

 

My son takes criticism very hard, and I could see some tears welling up in his eyes after his coach said this (me not knowing what the coach said, but assuming it wasn't good). He works very hard, listens well, really, really tries, but really in my opinion the coach is riding him hard about this.

 

So. I asked my son if he wants to take a break from gymnastics, and he said yes, but reluctantly. I have a feeling with a coach who just gave him a BIT more of a chance, he would be eager to continue. He has NEVER willingly stopped doing ANY sport.

 

WWYD?

 

ETA This is my older son, who is 7.

Edited June 4, 2010 by Halcyon

[Jean in Newcastle]

Any other gyms in your area?

[cougarmom4]

Wow, I'm afraid the Mama Bear in me would have had to come out in full force! I can hardly believe this type of attitude--with a 7 year old! Hey, you're paying money for this...I think he deserves better! Are there any other options for ds to continue gymnastics but with someone different?

[Halcyon]

There is another gym nearby. But this class takes place at our VERY local Y (literally across the street) so personally I love the convenience LOL but more importantly, it's cheap.

 

Nonetheless, I am going to investigate other options-- we are new here but I believe I heard of one other gym in the area. Not sure what their boy's programs are like.

 

The thing is, my son actually LIKES this coach--likes that he's tough, and demanding. But the fact that my son is so anxious that he's going to mess up doesn't please me. My son gets anxious enough with his school work (he's a perfectionist) and I'd really like to see that NOT seep into his fun time, kwim?

 

On some level, I think my son would be sad to leave this coach. Weird?

[Mejane]

Crushing. Not cool.

[shinyhappypeople]

What a JERK! I'd switch gyms in a heartbeat. The coach was way, way, way out of line, especially towards a *7 year-old*

 

I'd immediately begin looking for a more supportive gym that caters to the whole child. I hope your son doesn't let Idiot Coach's lousy coaching spoil his enjoyment of the sport.

 

FWIW, DD1 has been in gymnastics for 3+ years and it took her over a year to get her *cartwheel* down. Her coach was wonderful and encouraging the whole time. Her coach realizes that kids are KIDS and that developing confidence and enthusiasm in kids is far more important in the long term than a gymnastics skill.

 

Good coaches are out there. Keep looking....

[Sahamamama]

Would he be disappointed to quit before being able to do this move? Is it important to him to prove to himself and the coach that he can do it?

 

Has he made friends through the gym that he would miss if you left this gym? Would it be realistic for you to relocate to a more expensive gym farther from home? Or is it worth working this out, in order to keep the relationship and/or convenience open and profitable?

 

Is the coach tough on him only because he sees your son's potential as a gymnast and natural athlete? Can you talk to the coach privately about your son's experience and temperament? Would it bear any fruit?

 

Could your son be tired from other physical activities and a possible lack of down time? Have you asked him which activity/sport he would choose if he could only choose one?

[Snickerdoodle]

 

The thing is, my son actually LIKES this coach--likes that he's tough, and demanding. But the fact that my son is so anxious that he's going to mess up doesn't please me. My son gets anxious enough with his school work

On some level, I think my son would be sad to leave this coach.

 

Weird?

 

I think I understand. On one hand you'd like the coach to be more supportive and understanding. On the other hand maybe your son feels that the coach is setting a high standard for him and when he accomplishes this thing, it will be a major accomplishment.

 

I don't think the coach's comment was out of line per se, but perhaps the delivery could have been better handled. Would it have helped if your son had a second chance to "prove" himself?

[Laurie4b]

Change coaches.

 

I high school, I had a coach who coached by criticizing. She was very funny and we all liked her, but still--it was criticism. I made varsity, but just barely. When I went to college, I was not expecting to make the team, but my sport was not played frequently in the area in which I went to college and I not only made the team, I was one of the best players... and my coach didn't criticize. Being out from under that led to exponential growth in my ability in that sport.

 

The criticism will motivate some kids who get angry and respond with an "I'll show him," kind of attitude. For other kids, it stunts their athletic growth. It sounds like your son is the latter or the criticism would have propelled him forward. I would look for a better match of personalities.

[Alicia64]

a lot of parents think we parents need to toughen up, I'm not one of them. I don't see the point in talking to a child like that.

 

We've learned tons about how to inspire and encourage people onto better work -- and snotty comments aren't it.

 

Alley

[blessed2fosteradopt]

I think the coach was completely out of line. Come on, to a 7 year old???!!!

He needs to build him up not tear him down. As a parent, I would be disappointed.

[iammommy]

The coach's comment was inappropriate. Are you comfortable speaking to the coach about it? A good coach, tough or not, inspires the kids to do better. That was a very destructive comment.

 

If you're not comfortable speaking to the coach, I would switch programs. my ds would be devastated if a coach talked to him like that. Wow.

 

If you do switch programs, ds needs to be reassured that you are NOT switching because he failed....rather that the coach failed.

 

Nan

[abbeyej]

Honestly? The lack of practice worries me a lot more than the *words* used. I do think there are some coaches who are *extremely* sparing with praise but still manage to let the kids see how much they care and that they're truly committed to helping the kids get better. ... But how can a child get better without practice? Without being told, "Don't look behind you -- your nose has to stay right in line with the way you throw yourself. Try again." ?!?!

 

If it sounded like your son was getting *great*coaching*, I'd push to stay. There are teachers and coaches who give praise only once in a blue moon -- but then the praise is so very meaningful.

 

This coach? Sounds like he's clueless *and* a jerk.

 

I'd drop the Y and look elsewhere.

[Mommy22alyns]

He's only been in gymnastics for 9 months, age 7, and the coach expected him to do a back handspring "months ago"???? Those are pretty high (unrealistic) expectations. Becca's been in gymnastics for almost 4 years and is just now doing an unassisted back handspring on the trampoline only.

[Cindyg]

"I'm so disappointed in you, really. You shouldd have been able to do this months ago."

 

To a seven year old? Way out of line.

 

If you were telling me that your son was an experienced, serious competitor practicing for a particular meet (like an Olympic-qualifying tournament), well, sometimes we need a push. But this is just a for-fun class, right? If it's a for-fun class, that the heck is the point if it's no fun?

 

Just get out.

 

I was once involved with a really caustic woman. (She owned a horse I was riding.) Everything involving her was an enormous, high-pressure negative situation that occupied my mind 24/7. Well, we went on vacation; and not until I was away from her for a week did I realize what a relief it was to have her out of my life. She had become a total drag on my whole life. It happened so gradually, I didn't really realize it until I was away from her. And with that realization came the realization that I could just walk away from her and all the negativity and pressure would be left with her! It wasn't actually part of my life!

 

Which is probably what you need to do with this coach.

Edited June 4, 2010 by Cindyg

[hsbaby]

I'd be out of there! My son also does gym and is just now doing back handsprings (assisted). He is 7 also. The coach is firm, but encouraging.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly? The lack of practice worries me a lot more than the *words* used. I do think there are some coaches who are *extremely* sparing with praise but still manage to let the kids see how much they care and that they're truly committed to helping the kids get better. ... But how can a child get better without practice? Without being told, "Don't look behind you -- your nose has to stay right in line with the way you throw yourself. Try again." ?!?!

 

 

 

The males coaches who coach boys tend to act differently than male or female coaches who coach girls. They have a "come on guys, let's snap to it" attitude that often gets boys going. But - all the ones I've seen would have had them practice a move at least 2 or 3 times before moving on.

[NorthwestMom]

The child is 7. Honestly, I think the coach is an ***hole.

[Danestress]

It's funny because I just had a discussion with DS' tennis coach about NOT telling him, "that kid should not be able to even get a game on you" etc. For some kids, that pressure is effective. It might be effective for my own kid at a different stage. But I told him I want to experiment with taking all the pressure off for the summer and just being encouraging and professional, and he agreed.

 

That's what I value - someone who really listens and cares. It wasn't a difficult discussion because we both want the same thing - my DS to be happy and satisfied with her performance.

 

You need to talk to the coach about (1) your desire that he not put that pressure on your child and (2) your desire that your son be able to actually practice during practice time.

 

I think it's fine to ask a kid to sit out for a while when he's over emotional, needs a break, or is misbehaving. I think it's icky to do it because he messed up a move. And I would tell him so. You are the parent. You get to make comments and observations.

 

Can you get him coaching over the summer? I think I would look for ways to get continuing practice and instruction if you think your son would like that.

[chiguirre]

WHAT!?! This was at the Y!!! I thought that you were talking about a strict, competitvie gymnastics school. The Y should be encouraging kids no matter what their level. It's about personal development, not competing. I'd vote for dumping this coach and complaining to the head of kids' programming.

[Debora R]

The Mama Bear in me is raging on your behalf! I'd file a formal complaint with Y management about it, maybe speak to the coach first, maybe not....depends on whether or not I planned to return. If you do, speak to the coach and let him know what you are going to do and why, and let all concerned know that you are only returning because your son LIKES the coach and the class. As his mother, however, you won't tolerate inappropriate comments like that.

[Halcyon]

These are all great questions; my answers are below in red

 

Would he be disappointed to quit before being able to do this move?

He might be. It's very important for him to master things (as it is for all kids, I suspect) and he hates 'quitting'. But he may just need a break, KWIM?

Is it important to him to prove to himself and the coach that he can do it?

 

See above.

 

Has he made friends through the gym that he would miss if you left this gym?

Yes, he has--really nice boys.

 

Would it be realistic for you to relocate to a more expensive gym farther from home?

I really don't know. To be frank, I am stretched to my max with outside activities and something has to give, and this looks like my opening LOL. Money-wise, cheap is always better if the quality is good.

 

Or is it worth working this out, in order to keep the relationship and/or convenience open and profitable?

I am of the mind that just because a coach/teacher/adult isn't doing things the way _I_ would do them, and maybe isn't doing them in the "best" way, there's value to my son to seeing this approach. He readily acknowledges that this coach is "very tough" but in the same breath he'll say "but I like that because I know I'm learning."

 

Is the coach tough on him only because he sees your son's potential as a gymnast and natural athlete?

 

Absolutely, I think so. However, as a former athlete myself I personally HATED it when a coach made me feel badly. Some athletes get motivated by that, like "i'll prove to you" how good I can be. But others just get crushed and sad. At the same time, I think it's important to see that he won't always be coddled, and that sometimes adults say the wrong thing but that doesn't mean they're not good coaches or people. We talked about how maybe the coach shouldn't have put it that way, perhaps could have said "I have faith that you can do this if you keep trying" rather than "i'm so disappointed in you". And I kinda tried to laugh a bit and say "well, people don't always say exactly what we want them to say".

 

Can you talk to the coach privately about your son's experience and temperament? Would it bear any fruit?

 

Perhaps. He's VERY, um....particular about how he coaches. He's been there forever, and I don't think he's going to change his ways. But it's worth a talk.

 

Could your son be tired from other physical activities and a possible lack of down time?

 

No. He doesn't do any other sports that day, and he's chomping at the bit to go. He just has a mental block on this particular move, and truly, honestly, if the coach spent 5 minutes working with him, saying "you can do this, you really can" and being positive, he would have it. I speak from experience :) I suggested to my son that he might like a private with the coach but he said "but then he'd yell at JUST me for 30 minutes!" :001_huh: I tried to explain that the coach wouldd work with him on the move but he said no. So that says something to me also.

 

Have you asked him which activity/sport he would choose if he could only choose one?

 

Yes, he says basketball...and tennis...and gymnastics...and soccer....:lol: Next year we're just going to pick 2 and that's that. I LOVE that he's active, but it's too much for me.

[OrganicAnn]

You know if he was 14 or 15 in a sport, I'd say okay a tough coach you live with it. But 7! Yikes. That is rough.

 

 

You know I'd still try to do a private lesson with someone different. Just so your son knows that there are other coaching techniques. Maybe someone younger and more fun.

Edited June 5, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[Halcyon]

I think I understand. On one hand you'd like the coach to be more supportive and understanding. On the other hand maybe your son feels that the coach is setting a high standard for him and when he accomplishes this thing, it will be a major accomplishment.

 

I don't think the coach's comment was out of line per se, but perhaps the delivery could have been better handled. Would it have helped if your son had a second chance to "prove" himself?

 

This is EXACTLY it. My son LOVES a challenge, and he KNOWS when he nails this move, he will be VERY proud, the Coach will be proud, and he knows he'll have truly EARNED it, kwim? This coach hands out praise very infrequently, but when he does, the boy to whom he's directing the praise knows the coach MEANS it.

 

Re the second chance--perhaps. He's had second chances for 2 months, so to speak, but as I said I don't think the coach is giving him enough time to do the move, practice the move.

 

Thank you.

[Sweetpeach]

FloridaMama -- the coach in question - did he do gynastics at a highly competitive level? state or national level? Does he coach elite athletes and does he see these classes at the Y as 'scouting' for talent? Finally, how old is he?

 

Are you satisfied with his competency as a coach? Do you see this man as part of the tribe of folks who are pulling your son fwd?

 

If so, I would have a conversation with the coach, starting with: Hey, we are really appreciative of the time and energy you spend with the kids here at the Y. My son enjoys your coaching style because you push him to do the next thing, however . . . Explain from there the anxiety bit your son is experiencing and would he consider a 1/2 hour individual session to assist your son in getting over the performance hump with this particular skill.

 

Coaches take so much crap off people -- they get paid very little, people huff on them --- I would try the respect route and see where that got you, if you were invested in sticking it out with this gym.

 

My 2 cents, coming from a bit of a hard-nosed coaching perspective. :)

 

Tricia

[Irishmommy]

Unless my son were competing at a "higher level" I would not tolerate this. And by higher level, I mean in a competitive gym that prepares athletes for the professional level. I have a friend whose daughter trains with Bela Karoli (I don't know how to spell his name), but she would NEVER have put up with treatment like that with her daughter. I know he is a tough coach. But I think you can be tough and positive at the same time.

 

I would find another gym if it was my son's passion. Knuckle cracking at 7 because of nerves is NOT good.

[MBM]

WWYD?

 

ETA This is my older son, who is 7.

 

Sheesh. Your son is only seven, for crying out loud.

 

I haven't read all the replies, but I'd probably consider looking for a new program especially if your son is stressing over this at home. The coach doesn't sound too encouraging.

 

Also, how is your son supposed to learn the backflip if he can't practice it? It sounds like the coach expects perfection on the first try. Strange.

 

ETA: After reading the replies, maybe your son could keep trying. Maybe have a friendly chat with the coach, also continue watching for signs of stress.

Edited June 5, 2010 by MBM

[Halcyon]

FloridaMama -- the coach in question - did he do gynastics at a highly competitive level? state or national level? Does he coach elite athletes and does he see these classes at the Y as 'scouting' for talent? Finally, how old is he?

 

Are you satisfied with his competency as a coach? Do you see this man as part of the tribe of folks who are pulling your son fwd?

 

If so, I would have a conversation with the coach, starting with: Hey, we are really appreciative of the time and energy you spend with the kids here at the Y. My son enjoys your coaching style because you push him to do the next thing, however . . . Explain from there the anxiety bit your son is experiencing and would he consider a 1/2 hour individual session to assist your son in getting over the performance hump with this particular skill.

 

Coaches take so much crap off people -- they get paid very little, people huff on them --- I would try the respect route and see where that got you, if you were invested in sticking it out with this gym.

 

My 2 cents, coming from a bit of a hard-nosed coaching perspective. :)

 

Tricia

 

 

This is the direction I am leaning too.

 

The coach is about 50 years old, hard to tell (he's very fit) but I don't know his background. I do know that there are very few boys in a VERY competitive environment (for the girls, at least, who have been state champs for a while). I don't know what he 'expects' from my son-I mean, does he really think my son is going ot compete? LOL Not in this sport, he won't. I mean, we do gymnastics for fun only. In tennis (another one of my son's sports) I could see going farther, if only because tennis is a sport you can play all your life, socially as well as comeptitively. I don't see that with gymnastics.

 

That said, I just can't get a bead on this coach. I tend to like directed coaches for my kids ( I really dislike it when my kids want to be MORE serious about something, but the coach/teacher/etc treats them 'like a kid' and doesn't really take their request serioulsy), simply because that's the way I am in my homeschooling, but my son just doesn't do well when he's pressured.

[NanceXToo]

Are you kidding? What an idiot. I'd TELL him he was an idiot. And then I'd never take my child there again; I'd find a different place for him to take gymnastics.

[lmrich]

I would listen to your son... we have a friend on dive team who is terrified to do her back flip. She won't do it. Personally, I think that if she is scared to do something that, let's face it, is not really needed in life, she should not. Her mom yells at her and it all gets crazy dramatic... Anyways my point is that your child is telling you that he is too nervous to do the move - maybe he is not ready, maybe he would get hurt. It is insane to push a child to do a complicated move like that if they are not ready. Your child's reluctance is a good indicator of his ability to do the move...the coach should know that too. so in short either talk to the coach or get out. Please don't put you child in a high pressure situation where he is dismissing his own instincts.

 

 

BTW my daughter was scared to do her back dive pike and the coaches were gentle and encouraging and she gained confidence to try the move.

[HeidiKC]

Unbelievable!!! How sad for your son, and I'd worry it would really be bad for his mental and physical health!

 

Definitely talk to him, you never know if he might do some serious thinking, re-evaluated, etc.

 

If you do decide to leave (or maybe even if you stay and he isn't changing) you need to write a letter or e-mail to him, the Center Executive and then the coach's direct boss (who is more likely the Health and Wellness Director and not the Youth and Family Director). I think it's important for them to have this in writing, and to put in his file if they need to.

 

Sorry you're having to deal with this!

[jentancalann]

Here's the thing. If your son stays with gymnastics he will end up being there for many hours of the day, many days a week over the upcoming years. This coach will have a lot to do w/ shaping this boy. He does not need to shape a negative self image. Callum's coach is highly respected among the boys, whatever he says they run to do it. He's tough on them, but he does it with much love. He always has positives to balance out the negatives. At the end of practices he will talk to them as a team and compliment each boy on something they've worked hard on that day or some skill that is coming along. I think this is something you are going to have to decide if you're going to stick with, and if so, dive in and find a good gym. Its just not worth the verbal abuse. Words stick around a LONG time.

[MelanieM]

Maybe you should ask yourself what it is you think he's gaining from this experience. He's not getting to practice and he's stressed out over it all, so I suppose he's not doing it for the fun. He's not competitive, so I assume there's no value on that front. He's a perfectionist in his own right, so he's not needing the pressure from someone else to help him value the act of pushing himself to improve (not that I think this coach's approach is the most effective way of doing that, by a long shot). So... what exactly is he learning here, and is it something you want him to be learning?

 

Personally, I'd pull my kid from that experience, and then have a long chat with him about how we don't need to put ourselves in situations where people treat us poorly, no matter who they are or what they think they know. Pleasing someone else at the expense of self should not be the primary motivation for an action. Perhaps that's the real lesson he can learn here... how to create and enforce boundaries around how you will allow others to treat you.

[Halcyon]

THank you everyone for all the responses.

 

Here's what we've decided. We're going to take the summer off from gymnastics. And then, since we're going to Rome for 6 weeks in September (:party:), my guess is we'll miss that semester too unless they let us start late. So that will be quite a few months of being without gymnastics. At that point, we're going to re-evaluate.

 

Right now, my thinking is that combined with his natural anxiety and perfectionism, this might not be the right coach for him. It's hard for him to blow off the comments, and he does NOT need anyone else to be hard on him for his 'failures'. He's hard enough on himself.

[Stacey in NY]

Not sure where you are in Florida, but when we lived there (5 years) my ds went to a gym in Winterhaven called Florida Flips, wonderful place awesome coach. He is a homeschool Dad of 6 kids, (5boys), he was strict (mainly safety related) but very fair and encouraging. If you are close to that area I would highly recommend!