Dysfunctional family situation-- what is my obligation here?

[Erica in PA]

Hello everyone! I have cut way back on my computer time, but I'm stepping out here for a moment because I have a situation going on and could use some objective advice on what my moral obligation is here. You all are the best crowd I know for getting this kind of help, so here goes:

 

Basically, a woman called my mom a few weeks ago, telling her that she had a "brief relationship" with my father 19 years ago, and now has an 18 year old daughter. My parents were already divorced and had been for years, at that time. This woman and my father ended their relationship before the baby was born, and neither she nor her daughter have had any contact with him since.

 

I don't have any sort of relationship with my father, either. I only lived with him for the first five years of my life, and they are not good memories. I saw him a couple of times when I was a teen, and now I haven't had contact with him in 15 years. Let's just say that he's got major problems.

 

So, this woman and her dd recently found out about me, and this 18 year old girl, my half-sister, apparently wants to meet me. Her mother gave my mom her email and phone number a few weeks ago, and since then she has left several messages with my mom, asking when I am going to contact her dd. I don't have a personal desire to contact her, for a number of reasons.

 

But, my question is, do I have a moral obligation to contact her? What would you do?

 

Erica

[Mom2jnb]

I don't know what I would do buut I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.

 

(((Erica)))

 

Alison

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

 

But, my question is, do I have a moral obligation to contact her? What would you do?

 

 

 

Not a moral obligation, no, but it would be a kindness, IMO.

[dangermom]

I don't think you have a moral obligation. It might be nice of you, but you are in no way obligated. It would be perfectly fine for you to just say that you aren't comfortable with meeting her and leave it at that.

[OnTheBrink]

IMO, you have no moral obligation to her at all.

 

I think you should do what you're feel comfortable with. You could be meeting a wonderful person who'd be a great addition to your life, or it could be a nightmare. What's your mom think?

[Dawn E]

Not a moral obligation, no, but it would be a kindness, IMO.

 

I agree with Pam. My sister never knew her father--we left when she was only 1 month old--but she has contacted her half-siblings (they are younger than her and also no longer live with the father) through myspace. They have developed wonderful relationships over the years. She just met her father for the first time last year, but sadly no relationship kindled there.

 

So, while I feel you have no moral obligation, you never know what sharing some kindness with a girl who has probably had a lonely life will do. Of course, you must guard yourself and enter cautiously, but if you're so inclined maybe you could begin an email relationship with her.

 

My thoughts are that you shouldn't feel guilted into beginning a relationship with her, though you also shouldn't let your negative feelings toward your father prevent you from doing so.

 

:grouphug:

Dawn

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I think that this girl did not do anything wrong, herself. And she has, I guess, grown up without her father, just as you did. So it seems to me that she would just like to have some sense of family - and since you say that he's not available for that, you're really the only other option she has by way of a link to her paternal side of her family.

 

So is there some rule of family that requires that you have any contact with her? I guess not, but it would be a great kindness on your part to at least meet her and talk to her a little.....

 

Regena

[Mamagistra]

I've no advice for you, but it is good to 'see' (((you))) again. :) I pray that whatever you decide is a blessing to you and your family.

[PariSarah]

And I'm a little weirded out that she's calling your mother, BTW. If I were trying to get in contact with my biological father and his family, the last person I would be calling would be an ex-wife.

 

But anyway, no I don't think you have a moral obligation to meet someone just because s/he happens to decide s/he wants to meet you.

 

It's hard to say what I would do. I'm almost certain that I would have serious emotional blockage had it been a relationship that jeopardized my parents' marriage, but that doesn't seem to have been the case here.

 

Some questions to think through: Pretend you've already met, and found out that she's a really neat kid who's just trying to process her own identity. Part of her growing up, if you will, but assume she's already a pretty decent girl. Can you imagine having an ongoing relationship with her? If you're opposed to an ongoing relationship with her, can you imagine a one-time, polite-but-not-warm meeting with her? What's the best-case scenario for you? Does the best possible case make it worth seeing her? What do you imagine she's wanting out of this meeting?

 

Assume the worst. She's a gold-digging leech. Are you in a position--whether emotionally, financially, legally--to deal with that? Do you have Peek's rhino skin handy, or would this be an emotional nightmare for you? Do you have access to legal counsel, should she turn out to be trying funny stuff? Is the likelihood of her trying funny business high enough that it's not worth trying for that best case scenario?

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't see that you have an obligation here at all.

 

I think that it's reasonable to absorb this slowly and take all the time you need to get used to these astonishing new facts about a situation that you had believed you knew and understood.

 

I don't think that you should rush into deciding whether or not to meet this woman. I would just take some time to settle down, and then decide what to do. There is no reason to hurry.

 

May God's peace be with you.

[WTMindy]

Good to see you, Erica. You probably aren't morally obligated, but it could be that God is putting her in your path for a reason. I would probably meet her.

[KidsHappen]

And quite frankly the whole thing sounds kind of weird to me. It would make me seriously uncomfortable especially with the repeated calling that is already happening. Wishing you peace as you deal with this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is positive that this girl really is your half sister? From what you wrote, it sounds like all you have is her mother's word.

 

I really don't think you have a moral obligation. If anyone did, it would be your dad - since he helped bring her into the world. But you don't have any responsibility toward her as such, though of course, if you wanted to pursue a relationship with her it could be positive thing for both of you. But unfortunately, it could also be a very negative thing for both of you.

 

A red flag to me is that the mom sounds rather pushy.

[kalanamak]

If the mom is contacting your mom, can you get your mother to sound out the situation more? Is this the other mom yakking all about memememe or does she sound very balanced and her motive for calling is that the daughter is just 18 and feels shy but really wants to have her mother call. If there are any red flags, I'd get back up contact info and let her know that IF you feel more comfortable in the future you will contact the daughter (or this mom). You could wait until this 18 year old is older...like 25 or 30.

 

If everything seems clear, you could start with an email using an addy for just this...gmail or hotmail, etc.

 

I don't think you have a MORAL requirement, but I could certainly see be 18 or 30 or 50 and wanting to meet my bio-half sister. But, I am a trusting sort and have met literally hundreds of people I've met online, e.g. without anyone being anything but what they portray themselves as.

Best of luck.

[elegantlion]

I would probably be curious enough to follow through with a phone call or letter. However, the fact they seem to be pushing this relationship would make me defensive. I certainly wouldn't jump to met her unless you are ready to do so.

 

My dad and grandfather had a very dysfunctional relationship, long story. But just to say I understand there is a lot of emotion with that and a person shouldn't be pushed either way. I think you need time and then move as your heart tells you. But I'd tell mom for them to lay off for a while.

[Scarlett]

I'm very sad for this girl. And I agree with others that you have no obligation to her, but it would be a great kindness. And you never know...it might turn out to be a wonderful thing. Can you imagine how she might feel? Her father abandons her and now her sister refuses to meet her? Maybe she has no other siblings....

 

It doesn't weird me out that the mom contacted your mom. It may be the only way she knew to contact you. She didn't break up a marriage. And she raised the daughter on her own. If she 'wanted' something I doubt she would have waited 18 years.

 

I would probably ask for testing. You both need to be sure. I would not invest emotional energy into this situation until I knew for sure. Especially since testing is so easy these days.

[mommaduck]

No moral obligation, but definitely a kindness. Expect no fairy tales, have no expectations. Be willing to accept people as they are. I found my younger siblings last year, found out about them only 5yrs ago, and found they had known about me all along (and thought I hadn't wanted anything to do with them). We have since developed wonderful relationships.

[Laurie4b]

Hmm. That is a tough one.

 

I'm recalling from past posts that you are a Christian, so I'll answer from that perspective. I think there are competing moral obligations, so you have to discern the way through.

 

There is always the moral obligation to love, as we have been loved, and that is sacrificially. There is also the moral obligation to care for one's own family. Is she your family? Does sharing genes make her part of the family or does a relationship from birth make her part of the family? What about the parable of the Good Samaritan? Is she hurting? Are you the stranger who could help? Is she your neighbor? What does it mean to love her?

 

On the other side of the equation is the necessity to be "wise as serpents." If she could pose an actual danger for you and your family, then love for them would say no to the contact.

 

It does concern me that the other mother is so pushy. However, pushy mothers don't necessarily mean the daughers are the same way.

 

I think that an email to the daughter would be pretty safe, or even a phone call from a phone outside of your home (next time you are traveling, for instance) . You could just keep it to email, making sure that there is nothing about your email that would reveal your whereabouts. You would have the option of just shutting down the email account if her reasons for wanting contact were unhealthy. But probably, she is just a young woman in search of some roots. You could also see what you can find out about her ahead of time via internet search, or asking around other ways if she is fairly nearby. I would not meet her in person until you know more.

 

If the contact is something that you're avoiding because of some things in you that you've pushed aside in order to go forward, then it may be that it's time to deal with them in a different way. A free choice to act in love toward her (after you've made sure that you're reasonably safe) might well be a path to healing for you in a way that you've never expected. Some IRL who could sit and listen to your reasons for not wanting the contact, who could have some access to some of the things that you've possibly "boxed up" would have a better shot at assessing this than over the internet.

 

I think this is something to pray about, listening for an answer, to ask your husband and pastor to pray about as well, and to seek counsel about from those who know and love you IRL.

 

Sounds tough, but it could end up being a real blessing.

[Andie]

What a sticky situation. I don't think you have a moral obligation, but I have a similar situation on my side of the family, and dh has never met his half-siblings, and only met his father once, and it was a sad, painful meeting.

 

I think I would, cautiously, and with lots of boundaries in place, meet, or, at least, speak to her. Every fiber of me would be wanting NOT to open that can of worms, but having seen dh's pain at having no connection, even just a one-time meeting, with his family...I'd do it. It's up to you how much you share or if any further contact happens. I'd guard my privacy like a paranoid freak (I...uh...well, I've seen them on TV, so I could pull it off, I think:rolleyes:) and see what she wants.

 

I think the mother's persistance is a little worrisome. If I contacted someone in a situation like that, I'd give a LOT of room and time to process things before (if I even did) contacting them again.

 

I hope it all works out. Good to "see" you, here, too. :)

[Tracey in TX]

You have no moral obligation whatsoever. It would be considerate to at least give some response, even if it's "need to absorb information and will contact later". It validates your alleged half-sister, yet gives you time to reflect and delve further into the truth.

 

My mom and aunt met their unknown half-sibs as adults. It was truly one of the biggest blessings of their lives. It enriched them until all three of the sibs passed away. Can't imagine them not having met.

 

Whatever you do, let your heart guide the way.

[Erica in PA]

Thank you all for the kind words and wise advice. You all provided some very thought-provoking viewpoints here, and have given me lots to consider. I didn't go into much detail about the background, etc., and still I feel that some of you especially were able to read between the lines and offer some very helpful insights. I truly appreciated all the hugs and warm wishes, as well.

 

As some of you picked up on, the tone and persistence of this woman (the mother of my half-sister), does worry me. I listened to two of her messages on my mom's answering machine. She sounds like a pretty "rough" woman. Even though it's been only a few weeks since she first called, there is already a tone of impatience and attempts to make me feel guilty (i.e. "My daughter can't imagine why Erica hasn't called her yet. She's very disappointed.") The situation would feel much different to me if she came across more like a understanding, loving mom making a heartfelt request on behalf of her daughter. So there are red flags to consider.

 

At the same time, I am a Christian, and as such I do have a strong desire to share not only kindness, but even more so God's love, with anyone I can. And obviously this is a young girl who hasn't had the happiest upbringing, and maybe I could help her in some way. As someone said here, maybe God is bringing her into my life for a reason. So I am considering contacting her-- and I agree with those of you who said that email would be a good way to start.

 

I appreciated all of your input so much. Thank you!

 

Erica

[Antonia]

Just a personal anecdote... when my uncle died, a young man showed up at the funeral parlor whom no one knew. My other uncle went over to him and found out he was my dead uncle's son whom he had never acknowleged. The family had always known there might be someone out there, but uncle had always maintained it wasn't true. This young man looked just like my uncle! He sat in the funeral parlor and cried because he knew he would never have chance to know his father. We invited him back to my cousin's house where the gathering was to be held, and he spent the day with us meeting the family and looking at pictures of and listening to stories about his father. I could tell it gave him great peace to finally be included, and to "know" his father a little bit. He has drifted away from us again, but it makes me feel good to know we were able to give that gift to him.

 

You do not have any obligation to this girl, but it may be something you will both be happy for. I hope, if you do decide to contact her, that she is deserving of your good intentions!

[Erica in PA]

Just bumping this up one last time, because my update above got buried very quickly, and I wanted to make sure that everyone knew how much I appreciate their advice and kind words. Thank you all again!

 

Erica

[kpupg]

But, my question is, do I have a moral obligation to contact her?

 

No. This is similar to an adoption situation. Some biological relatives welcome a relationship, some do not. Some do, but only after a long time of consideration. There is no obligation in any case.

 

 

What would you do?Erica

 

I have no idea and I am praying for you. Maybe you could test the waters by writing only -- that way you would have a good degree of control over the situation. :grouphug: In any case, you are under NO moral obligation whatsoever. Please do not allow her or anyone else to pressure you into a hasty move.

 

Karen

[Mom2GirlsTX]

had this happen to her three years ago. She was 40 when she found out she had a sister who was 45 (her father had an affair with a woman before he married my friends mom). They finally met a couple of years ago and are glad they did, they were both terribly nervous to meet each other. My friend was hesitant at first, but said it has been good to meet her 1/2 sister. They live on other sides of the country and have each flown to each others home to meet their families, but other than that, they email now and then, call a few times a year, and that is about it.

It did not profoundly change her life meeting her sister, she is glad she met her but she says it feels more like meeting a distant cousin....you know you are related but no real "strong" connection but still there is some connection.

You have no moral obligation, but it would be kind if you feel comfortable with it.

[lovemyboys]

But anyway, no I don't think you have a moral obligation to meet someone just because s/he happens to decide s/he wants to meet you.

 

What's the best-case scenario for you? Does the best possible case make it worth seeing her? What do you imagine she's wanting out of this meeting?

 

Assume the worst.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. :grouphug:

 

Sorry that I kind of chopped up Sarah's reply but it hit on a few things that came to mind for me as well.

 

I've had several friends who were in adoptive situations get in touch with biological relatives. One of those friends said, "You know, you always dream that it was the captain of the football team and the prom queen/head cheerleader who couldn't get married but were madly in love that were your parents. That's not always the way it works out."

 

In most situations, it has worked out fine and a relationship develops that is pleasant for everyone. But, one friend of mine was approached by his bio mom many years later, she was nice but quite needy. It was clear pretty early on that one of the main reasons she got in touch was for financial help and emotional support. And she brought in his half sisters and brother too.

You have a much slimmer connection to this young woman.

 

So, I agree, you really should take some time to think this through. How do you deal with things like this? What if things are weird or there are big expectations from the connection? I would definitely proceed with caution and keep things very neutral in terms of a meeting place, not giving out your home phone# or most personal email address, etc. until you see how things go.

 

Best wishes to you.

[mommaduck]

yes, don't be afraid to take time and contact her when YOU are ready. If she is only 18, she is young yet and may not be ready herself. My siblings and I are between mid twenties and mid thirties. Their younger half siblings are teens. All of us have a great relationship. The mother would be my only concern. You may wish to make it clear that you don't mind contact with her (your sister), but see no need for any communication with her mother. My bio dad wanted to insert himself into my family, wanted me to call his current wife "mama", wanted to bring his views of Santa and such into my kids lives (I think NOT!), etc...all because he had messed up his relationship with my siblings. He had also hoped I wouldn't find out some of his history, or that we wouldn't go digging into it (we did as it does affect us and has helped us discern the truth from the fiction in that he loves to tell whoppers). Though I have contact and a wonderful relationship with my siblings, I've severely limited my contact with our dad.

 

 

Again, like I stated in a previous post, do NOT expect any fairy tales and do NOT have expectations...especially out of an 18yr old. If you contact her, be prepared to accept her as she is.