Does this bother anyone else?

[caitlinsmom]

I like to give people things without strings attached. I like to do things for people just for the fun of it. I will offer to sew something, help with yard work, organize a room, whatever. I enjoy this kind of giving and it makes me feel like I have done soemthing to help someone out. But without fail the recieving person wants to pay me in some way.

 

For example a friend of mine needed a cabinet for her sons room and I happened to have one I was getting rid of. I asked her if it would work and if she wanted it. Thats it, thats all I said. I did not make reference to payment of any kind. To me it was simple transaction, I don't want the cabinet and you do. Done. Well this friend insisted over and over that she needed to pay me. I refused and told her it was going to be donated so I didnt want money. Then she switched tactics and said she owed me big. She would watch my kids, treat me to dinner, etc etc.

 

I find this sort of thing offensive. I know that is dumb but it just irks me that someone HAS to keep offering payment when I do not want one in anyway. Most of the time if I offer something to someone I dont want it and I am just glad it is out of my way! Sometimes I will just accept something to get the person to stop and other times I will just brush it off and change the subject.

 

Does this kind of thing bug anyone else? If you are one of the payment insisting kind of people, why do you feel the need to keep offering payment when someone gives something? (And I mean that question honestly and nicely).

 

I wonder if the people I help are embarassed or something so this is the only way they can feel good about it. Maybe they dont understand that I LIKE to give my time and what not to others. I dont know......All I can say is it really really really bothers me!!

[momof2girls]

Yes. It's why I use Freecycle. :lol:

 

Seriously, try to let it go. Sometimes folks just don't get kindness for kindness sake.

[fairfarmhand]

I think it is because our society is less and less community/family dependent. People are not used to others just doing things for them without expecting something in return. Yes, It annoys me too. I just tell them to pass it on...sometime do something nice for someone else.

[Diane in CO]

I'm one of those people :D Well, I am not insistent about it, but usually I do like to offer payment of some kind. If the other person is being generous and does not want payment, then I am accepting of this, however I will go out of my way in the future to be of service or help to that individual. Sometimes I do find it difficult to accept something with a simple "Thank you". My husband likes to call this the 50/50 mentality and it is something that I have tried to work on during the years, but still have some difficulty.

 

Diane

[angela in ohio]

I think people are just trying to express their appreciation in ways that they are familiar with. Money, gifts, dinners, etc. seem to mean more than a heartfelt "Thank you." I try to reassure people that their words ARE enough to show me they are thankful.

 

I also think that we get negative impressions of other people as a whole. We are constantly told how selfish society is now. So people assume that when someone says that they don't want something in return, they must not really mean it, since everyone else is suposed to be so greedy and selfish, right? It's sad.

[MBM]

I didn't understand either until I read the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. In the situation you're describing, he explains that people (and countries) often feel the need to reciprocate. It's ingrained and related to survival. He talks about countries remembering the good deeds other countries did many years in the past and how that affected relationships later on. The same is true with people. It's a fascinating book if you're interested, and Cialdini discusses many other types of situations.

 

That said, don't take offense at the other person. Maybe you could ask them to donate to a charity of their choice instead? :)

[Guest janainaz]

Some people really don't know how to receive and it's nothing personal against you.

 

I have felt that way before when someone has done something nice and I've felt really unworthy. That unworthiness is such a pathetic and selfish feeling because you make the giver uncomfortable and you ruin the gesture altogether. On the other hand, I love to give stuff away, and help people just because, and I don't want any kind of payment. I WANT my offering to be received warmly with no strings attached. I figured that out when I flipped the situation around and now I just say, "Wow, thanks!"

 

This week I offered to help a new friend move in a couple of weeks. I don't see her much and I figured she'd say no and tell me that she had plenty of help. I was suprised to see that she was happy to receive some help and she was grateful for the offer. I look forward to just helping to ease the moving burden. But I realized that I expected her response to be what mine would have been if someone I did not know really super well offered to help me move! I would have appreciated the gesture, but even if I did not have any help, I would have felt funny accepting the offer. That mentality ruins any potential of ever getting to know someone and to allow them to feel close to you. People like to help and people do like to give and it's important to receive with joy and appreciation.

[caitlinsmom]

:) Glad to know I am not alone. I will check out the book mentioned above. It sounds fascinating.

 

I really like the idea of telling them to pass it on. I hadn't ever thought of that. :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just tell people that it is grace. Most people will then accept it.

[Denisemomof4]

I can only speak for myself. I tend to be a giver but it's VERY hard for me to receive or to accept help. I don't know why, it's just very difficult. So while she may have wanted it, she may have felt uncomfortable taking it without giving her something in return. And although it's annoying to many people, some really struggle with accepting from others.

 

I've been spoken to about this. I've been told it's robbing others of a blessing by not accepting gifts and help. I have tried to improve. And I've also used the line, "Don't rob me of a blessing!" when I'm trying to do for someone who's having a hard time accepting.

[Julie in Austin]

Some people don't like to feel that they are "in debt" to someone, especially if there have been people in their past who have held a "debt" over their head forever, making claim to it again and again.

 

Speaking hypothetically, of course. ;)

[gevs4him]

Well I always tell people "Just Pass it on." That is no strings attached - I had something you could use and you never know you may have something someone else could use so "just pass it on" Most people get it and let it go :)

 

Lisa

[elegantlion]

I've given away things and if I know the receiver feels the need to payback, I often preface by giving. I'll say something to the effect of, "Please, I'm freely giving this to you. I really don't want anything in return." If they insist I'll add, "I'd rather you simply pay it forward the next time you get an opportunity to do something nice for someone."

[Gooblink]

I love to give, but have had to learn to receive graciously.

 

I gave something of significant value away once and the recipient insisted over and over again that she needed to pay me somehow. Despite my repeatedly declining to accept anything, she persisted. I knew she loved to take pictures, so I finally asked her if she would be willing to photograph my boys for "school pictures" and give me the digital image. That was enough to end the back-and-forth, but certainly I wasn't looking for any payment. It just seemed to bother her to NOT be able to give me something in return and I didn't want to spoil the blessing for her, either. :)

[mrssnow]

I think people want to express their appreciation and reciprocate and sometimes don't know another way to do that or feel they don't have another way. I think for the most part it is their way of showing kindness in return. I don't think it should be looked at so negatively or warrant getting so upset or offended. Getting upset over that is a waste of energy and robs you of the blessing much more than someone offering to reciprocate in their own way ever could.

[ChristusG]

I think that people just want to show you how thankful they are for your generosity. I sure hope I would not come across as annoying or offensive just because I'm trying to show you thanks. :confused:

[dangermom]

IMO people want to show their thanks, and also they don't want to feel like there's a power imbalance in the relationship. They may not want to feel indebted, like there's nothing they can do to get back 'in balance.' I think you can usually indicate that a plate of cookies sometime would be great (or something similarly small), and they'll feel relieved. It's not the size of the favor that counts necessarily, but the fact of doing it. And hey, sometime you probably could use some babysitting, so why not let them if it makes them happy?

 

I trade favors with friends a lot, but I prefer not to feel like I'm always taking and not giving.

 

Of course, it's something else again when you've just had a baby, or you're very ill, and it's time to just let a lot of people help you out and serve you. That can also be very hard to accept, though.

[Heather in OK]

When you are in a position of need, after a while you begin to feel guilty for ALWAYS having to receive and not being able to give back and/or repay.

 

Yes, the gesture is appreciated but the guilt is also there.

 

Wanting to do something for someone in return and not being able to (i.e. when your main prayer is that you'll have enough money to buy groceries for your family that week), really really sucks. Sure, there are things you can do that don't involve money or passing on items. But when that's what people are doing for you it's hard not to want to return the gesture in a similar way.

 

I LOVE to give as well. Being in the position to only receive is a blessing but also is very hard.

 

It's not always something personal against the giver.

[5wolfcubs]

I think it is always easier to give than to receive. I've been giving curriculum away. I like to do it -- maybe I used it and loved it and want someone else to enjoy it...or maybe I *tried* to use it and hope someone else will enjoy it...or maybe it was given to me and I never used it and I just want to get it off the shelf so I don't feel guilty! :lol:

 

I like the idea of asking people to "pay it forward" by blessing someone else!

[annandatje]

Yes. It's why I use Freecycle.QUOTE]

 

In our area, Freecycle devolved into primarily a beggar board. Instead of a simple first-come-first-serve recycle endeavor, people would post or email their personal stories about why they were in dire need of the item in question.

 

We now just drop items off at Goodwill or other thrift stores.

[Nestof3]

I too enjoy giving things -- especially little gifts and cards. I also try to give away anything I will not need to people I know before giving to an organization.

 

I have noticed that people can fall into these two extremes:

 

1) barely acknowledge it

 

2) almost seem offended that I am giving something as though I am doing something inappropriate

 

Both can be frustrating, but I just try not to take it personally.

 

I have also noticed a lack in what I consider old-fashioned or gentile customs. Perhaps I expect things to happen too much like a British period drama, but I love practicing hospitality, so when someone is over or stops in, I offer refreshment like tea, coffee, perhaps a light dessert.

 

I am almost always refused. I admit it's hard for me not to take it personally. I wonder if it's because people don't have as much time for people anymore.

 

I know I will refuse offers sometimes when I feel like the person would rather me not. I don't know why I feel that way, but perhaps it's a result of others refusing my hospitality so often. So, now I just sort of assume people would just like to get down to business and have as little interruption as possible. I hope people are not sensing that from me.

 

In general, I find adult relationships so much more complicated than the ones I experienced in college. I find myself second-guessing myself so much more.

[Nestof3]

Our freeycle has never been allowed to use the first come first serve thing. We have to agree to allow 24 hours for people to respond out of 'fairness.' (good grief)

 

I stopped because I got tired of my email box getting flooded. It's a freebie for Pete's sake -- fairness has nothing to do with it.

 

Yes. It's why I use Freecycle.QUOTE]

 

In our area, Freecycle devolved into primarily a beggar board. Instead of a simple first-come-first-serve recycle endeavor, people would post or email their personal stories about why they were in dire need of the item in question.

 

We now just drop items off at Goodwill or other thrift stores.

[kalanamak]

All I can say is it really really really bothers me!!

 

It bothers me so much less than people who take take take and don't even say thanks.

Or people who borrow and don't return, or return broken without a word.

 

When I'm offered something "in return" I always say "give to someone needy" and people usually let it drop.

[Rosie_0801]

IMO people want to show their thanks, and also they don't want to feel like there's a power imbalance in the relationship.

 

:iagree: Imagine if no one ever felt the need to correct that imbalance. Eventually, even chirpy giving types would probably start to feel used. My dh has a "rich boy" mentality with regards to money, and hangs out with people who don't. He's had to be socialised properly to avoid creating more very uncomfortable situations.

 

Rosie

[Sara in AZ]

I trade favors with friends a lot, but I prefer not to feel like I'm always taking and not giving.

 

This is exactly how I feel! I understand rationally the Pay it Forward mentality, and I recognize that I serve others in many ways just to serve without the expectation of compensation in any way. But part of me just doesn't feel satisfied until I have repaid specific kindnesses done to me. Even if I do just accept with a gracious thanks, I still feel guilty if I haven't shown some demonstration of my appreciation of this person. But it doesn't take much for my guilt complex to kick in generally!

[Peela]

People dont realise that receiving is the other half of giving, and if you don't receive graciously, you deprive the giver their joy and satisfaction of giving. So receiving is just as important as giving.

[Orthodox6]

The "art of receiving" is very difficult for some people. Those of us who sometimes, or often, have trouble receiving something may undergo complex and painful feelings about receiving things. Don't be offended by this. Although everyone should learn to receive, just as everyone should learn to give, this is not always the "simple" event it might appear on the surface.

[Rosie_0801]

I think the situation like the OP is discussing is asking the receiver not to use their manners. That's how I would feel about it anyway. The best way for me to show gratitude is to behave in a way I consider rude? No wonder it does peoples heads in!

 

:lol:

Rosie

[Midwest Pixie]

People with "gifts" as their love language tend to be excellent at both giving and receiving gifts. Those who have some other primary love language seem to struggle a little more. When they give something, they may expect something in return (even if it's just gratitude) and when they receive, they do want to reciprocate.

 

Part of it is upbringing, too. My parents (who have "talking" and "acts of service" as their love languages) do not LOVE giving gifts like I do (I'm a "gifts" and "physical touch" person). They feel obligated to "return the favor" because they don't want anyone to feel they're taking advantage of their generosity. I have tried to tell them that for gift givers, much of the pleasure is to just see the other person receive it and enjoy it, and to not get in the way of people's desire to be generous. They're still working on it ;)

 

Anyway, try not to take it personally. Their desire to "pay you back" may be something they were taught or something they learned through negative experience. Whatever the case, just count it as a sign that they appreciate your gesture and keep being the generous, wonderful friend it sounds like you are!