Long vent about my mom :(

[teachermom2834]

I can't say this to anyone in real life. I will probably offend some but I'm going to say it here anyway.

 

My mother is morbidly obese. I don't know what she weighs but my guess would be between 400-500 lbs. She has been this way as long as I remember. Probably 100 pounds less when I was growing up but still very obese.

 

I need to say how much this has hurt my family and me. If she were an alcoholic, or an addict, or unwilling to seek mental health treatment, or a hoarder, or even a smoker I would be able to call her out on it. I would be able to tell her how much her behavior has hurt me as a child and does now. I would be able to distance myself from her because her behavior hurt me without judgement. But she is fat. And it is mean/insensitive/ cruel to call her out on that.

 

But, the truth is this has hurt me. I have a distorted body image to this day and obsess about food/ weight/ etc. I cannot imagine a day in my life passing that I am not obsessing about food/ size, etc. I was so embarassed as a child when she would come to things at my school and she couldn't fit in the seats. If anyone realized I was embarassed I was made to feel like an awful person for being embarassed by that. But I was a child, and it was embarassing. It was human for me to feel that way but I was made to feel horrible and like I was at fault for my feelings.

 

It is embarassing as an adult and I feel sorry for my kids. They love their Grandma but it is embarassing to have her come to their events. If she wants to come to a ball game I have to get there early and arrange seating. I have to make sure she has a clear first row bleacher to sit on and I have to ask people to sit at one end of it as a counterweight so she doesn't tip the bleacher over when she sits down. It is so embarassing to have to do this. I love my mother and being embarassed by this does not make me a bad person. But it HURTS.

 

Now it is worse than embarassing. We are dealing with all the constant fall out of her lifestyle. We are dealing with one surgery/ diagnosis/ illness after another. I have a bunch of small kids to care for and I have to care for her because of what she has done to herself. She is my mother. I will respect her and care for her but I am MAD that she did this to herself and us.

 

I feel like if she were an alcoholic I could tell her that she could not come to the kids' events and embarass us. If she were a smoker I could guilt her about quitting and it would be perfectly socially acceptable. But it is not socially acceptable/ politically correct to hold her accountable for her weight and the impact it has had on others.

 

We have tried all we could over the years to encourage her to get better. She won't hear of it, though, and cries and carries on and makes us all feel awful for suggesting she has a problem. I believe she needs professional medical/ psychological help but she won't hear of it. Which is her choice but it affects the rest of the family when we have to care for her/ do very basic chores for her.

 

So I'll just keep on keeping on. I am not going to make her final years about conflict over her weight. BUT I need to tell someone that it hurts. It hurts a lot. It is a heartbreak I will carry with me forever.

 

I am just so sad/ angry/ bitter/ over the whole thing. I just needed to tell someone. It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

 

I don't know if anyone else here has dealt with this. Maybe someone can read this and see that they are not alone.

 

If you read this, thank you!!

 

Marie

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't know what it is like to be in your situation. However, I DO know what it is like to be in a situation and have no one to talk to. I'm glad you decided to release a little bit of your hurt here. I hope you will get some support.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Dandelion]

:grouphug:

 

I don't have any personal experience with this either, but just wanted to applaud you for continuing to love and support your mom, despite how difficult this has been for you and your family.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have no advice, just hugs.

[Snickerdoodle]

 

I don't know what it is like to be in your situation. However, I DO know what it is like to be in a situation and have no one to talk to. I'm glad you decided to release a little bit of your hurt here. I hope you will get some support.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[laurad1125]

:grouphug: What a delimma. I don't know what to say except, yeah, that would suck. All I can offer is :grouphug:

[newlifemom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry.

[2cents]

I completely understand where you're coming from. If there comes a time when you need to choose between your children & dh or overextending yourself to care for your mother then you need to know it is ok to get help for her. There are services available that she can apply for that may help take the pressure off of you. :grouphug:

[JoyfulMama]

:grouphug:

I'm glad you feel this is a safe place to vent.

Like everything else in life, there has to be a desire to change before changes can start. And many things may be out of her control - she may feel that all of it is out of her control, especially if she has had negative responses in the past (from her body).

[juelle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I hear you that this hurts, and though I've never been in the same position in my family, I see it in dh's.

 

So sorry.

[Caraway]

I don't know how old or sick your mom is now. If she is at the end of her life I think that you are good to try to let it go and just be with her to help as you can. However if she has another 10 - 20 years that would be active years for someone else her age, I would consider making my help dependent on her receiving medical help or counseling. I think that as a loving child who was cared for you owe it to your parents to try to help them in their old age. However I don't think that this means that they do whatever they want and you constantly pick up the pieces.

 

Either way, lots of hugs.

 

(FWIW, I think that we are going to be dealing with this a lot more as a society if we are moving toward socialized medicine. )

[Perry]

(FWIW, I think that we are going to be dealing with this a lot more as a society if we are moving toward socialized medicine. )

:confused:

Why?

[hillfarm]

IMO, it is possible that your mother can't do anything about her weight on her own, not even make the decision to try to do something about it. However, that doesn't make coping with the situation any easier for you and your family. I think anger at the situation is normal and justified. But I think that anger at her, although normal, may not be quite as justified. Don't let that kind of anger destroy the good feelings that you do have toward her.

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.

[BeckyFL]

I don't know why people make children feel bad for feeling the way any other child would. My parents were just a bit older than other parents and I was embarrassed. Kids (teens especially) are just easily embarrassed by their parents period. Don't feel guilty. You are completely normal.

We have a family at church that is in the same situation but it's the husband. He is a wonderful man but can no longer leave his home. His wife battles feelings of compassion and resentment like a roller coaster.

It's frustrating when someone refuses to care for themselves and others have to pick up the pieces. Hang in there, remember your mom loves you, do your best for her and feel free to talk any time!

[rafiki]

.

[GoVanGogh]

:grouphug:

 

I'm basically in the same boat, though I live across the country from my mother and distance does help. But when we visit, she cannot do anything somewhat normal like go to the zoo with her grandchildren.

My mom is diabetic and doesn't control it. Several years ago, she had knee replacement surgery. She ended up in a nursing home, post-surgery for rehab. Mind you - she wasn't even 60 at the time. Anyway. She flat out refuses to go to a nursing home ever again. Well - now she is even heavier and in even worse shape. She talks constantly about never being placed in a nursing home again and us kids just keep asking each other, "How does she expect US to deal with her weight?!" My paternal grandmother was at home until the last days of her life. She weighed 100 pounds. All the family was together and we took turns lifting her, moving her, etc. But now our mother is 400+ and so weak she can't even shift her weight when she is laying down. I don't get what she thinks we are suppose to do or how we are suppose to help her as she ages!

I'm sorry to add my "vent" onto your vent, but - you are not alone! I agree w/previous posted - sadly, we are going to be seeing more and more of this. (I was just in the doctor's office the other day. They had recently 'remodeled' and upgraded all their exam tables and chairs for 'heavier clients.' I hate to think how much $$$ it cost.)

[LauraGB]

:grouphug:

 

It's tough watching someone we love make decisions that are unhealthy for them. It's tough being a bystander that observes (and sometimes catches) the fall out from those decisions.

 

In my own experience with what you describe, I have a parent who is morbidly obese. I believe it was a product of depression in an individual (and an era) where depression was generally denied and deemed for the weak. This particular individual did not only become morbidly obese, but had a drinking and rage problem during my childhood as well - so, I can tell you first hand that it may not necessarily be better with addiction or smoking; the outcome will always come down to the individual with the problem, not the problem itself.

 

It's hard. Really hard. The biggest thing you need to keep front and foremost in your mind is that each individual person makes decisions based on what seems like the right thing to do for them. By that, for you, I mean that you need to separate your mom's problem from yours. You have an obligation to you and your children/self/husband first. Once you can find the separation there, you will be able to save those bleacher seats for *her*, not you. She sports her decisions. You respect her person, not her decisions for how she lives her life - as an adult, those are hers, and hers alone. If you dig deep enough to try to determine her causes for over-consumption or whatever her problem may be, you might be able to reach her that way.

 

:grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

I sent you a PM, Marie. Hang in there.

[Nakia]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I know there are support groups for people who have family and friends who are addicted to substances. I'll bet there are the same kind of groups for overeaters. You might try attending an Overeater's Anonymous group and asking for some help as the daughter of an overeater. The 12 steps of Al Anon and other family support groups can really help you release your mom and your anger towards her, while helping you draw strong boundaries and refusing to rescue, which, although it feels compassionate, often just enables.

 

Lots of hugs to you.

[teachermom2834]

Thanks so much for all the hugs. I will take all of the suggestions to heart, as well.

 

Thank you, particularly, to those of you who responded that you are in the same situation. It helps so much to feel understood. With all the obesity out there, obviously many people are going through this. I feel alone, though.

 

It's all so sad. I can look at her life and see why she is the way she is. She needs pyschological help but you cannot make an adult do what they don't want to do.

 

Thanks to all.

 

Marie

[NanceXToo]

You know what? I think you should print this whole thing out and give it to your mom. She should know that you are worried for her AND that she is affecting her family AND how important it is for her and for you and your kids that she try to do something about this.

 

And then you should offer to take her to her doctor, OA, WW, or SOME sort of person or program who can help her begin to get this under control.

 

If she would only take the first step in the right direction, she would be taking a step toward changing HER OWN life for the better- and doing something positive for her family, too!

 

I know that may be easier said than done. But maybe she needs a wake up call and who knows, maybe it would help!

[jld]

I agree with Nance. Have you ever talked to her directly about her problem? It sounds like she loves you. Maybe her love for you is greater than her love for food, and that could motivate her to lose weight, if she knows how you truly feel.

 

There are several obese people who post on the McDougall boards. That might be a resource for you.

 

:grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug: Sorry! I had a friend who was extremely overweight. It was a hard life that she had! I'm not sure how it went for her... as we eventually... after 20 years... went our separate way..

:)

[gaillardia]

I understand what you mean about getting help easier for alcoholics, drug addicts (and believe me, that's not easy either). I understand how hard it would be to keep being nice and doing things for her, showing her appreciation. I understand how time consuming taking care of all of these many different things can be. I was codependent for alcoholic sibling but we are both recovering. It makes us unhealthy too.

 

One thing that may help, and I would assume OA may suggest this, confrontation from the family with a professional person who is disconnected from the family and can help you remain focused on determining what can be done to get her in any better health or condition.

 

Peace to you.