s/o The Pearls......

[kesmom]

Keep the fish - throw out the bones.

 

I don't fish from knowingly polluted water.

[bookfiend]

I find the proof of value is answering the question "what lessons did I keep six months later; is there any lasting change?" On a recommendation, I read this whole book; and there is nothing different in my life today that remains as a result.

[TXMary2]

That book almost ruined my marriage. My husband didn't want a doormat, he wanted a partner. He never wanted to be Michael Pearl, and in order to follow what she says you should be in her book, your husband has to be Michael Pearl. I will say, the church we were going to at the time was a very legalistic, fundamentalist church that supported his book 100% (they were basically a cult). They felt all men should be the domineering, overlord type husband. That's simply not us. Once we got out of that church, I started to see clearer, and I ripped up that book and threw it away. My dh was happy to see it go.

 

I also want to mention, I met Debbi Pearl in person. One of her daughters lives out here, and when she comes to see her, she'll sometimes do a low-key small group meeting. She really was a very nice lady. She was kind to everyone, and tried to emphasize her book was written more for women with men like her husband. It helped me (later) to understand why she wrote the book. However, I know women who have husbands like hers, and I would NEVER advise them to read/follow her advice. She claims you can "save" your husband, she claims you are part of the problem if your husband is abusive or unhappy, but she misses something. According to her, if you simply cater to him and do whatever he says, you'll bring him around and he'll treat you like a queen. She forgets her husband was already a Christian and a Pastor when she met him. She forgets, she was never abused by her husband, so she really has no business giving advice to those women! You should NEVER tell a woman who is being abused she's at fault.

 

OK, I'll get off my soap box now. :) HTH!

Dorinda

:rant:

 

 

She should clarify at the beginning of the book (maybe she did I don't know) that her book is directed to women that are married to a******s. I am "submissive" to my husband in the sense that I do my best to take care of him the way he prefers. He does things for me that I ask or in ways I prefer so does that make him submissive? I don't think so. I think sometimes the word submissive is misused or misapplied. In my mind it does not be a doormat, but many women think that is what it means. If my husband ever asked me to do something illegal (he wouldn't I'm just saying) then I wouldn't do it. I would also never give in to unreasonable sexual demands etc or ungodly type situations. Men who think their wives should do those things in the name of being submissive aren't Godly anyway which makes their demands moot.

 

My very best friend in the world has a very different worldview than I do, but inspite of that we love each other and remain friends since childhood. She says her viewpoint is that marriage is 50/50 yet she has "worn the pants" in her marriage for years and is truly downright bossy. She wants what she wants, when she wants it....and usually gets it. She hides money from him so she can spend it on what she wants, but if he so much as swipes the atm card for a $2.00 soda she rips him a new one. She thinks because I cook dinner most nights, do dh's laundry and put it away, make him lunch or bring him lunch to work etc that I am a doormat. I like doing those things for my man because it makes him happy and if he is happy it makes me happy. My husband will surprise me once in a while with my expensvie shampoo and conditioner from the beauty supply or he brings me fresh tulips for the dining table etc. He also brings Hershey Bars and that right there has me for life. LOL Anyway, she won't do anything he asks because she says he is capable of taking care of himself. He doted on her in the beginning, but after all these years he is just as rude to her as she is to him and they are at the least verbally abusive to each other. So, in her case I wouldn't be surprised if he up and left one day and I'd go so far to say that it would be mostly her fault.

[Spy Car]

She should clarify at the beginning of the book (maybe she did I don't know) that her book is directed to women that are married to a******s.

 

She ought to be a voice of expertise on that front.

 

Bill

[Audrey]

it gave me the mistaken impression that my dh *wanted* a submissive wife, which he most certainly did not.

 

 

That's probably the best statement in this whole thread. Personally, I think the whole submission thing is repugnant. However, if it really works for a couple, and they're both happy... hey, whatever floats your boat, babe.

 

I do think that, before jumping on someone else's bandwagon of what a marriage should be, spouses should talk to EACH OTHER and decide BETWEEN THEMSELVES what they would like their marriage to be. Marriage books have terrible reputations for ruining marriages. Why? Because that book isn't about YOUR marriage.

 

Not every man wants a "meek and quiet helpmeet." Not every marriage can thrive on submission.

[Joanne]

That's probably the best statement in this whole thread. Personally, I think the whole submission thing is repugnant. However, if it really works for a couple, and they're both happy... hey, whatever floats your boat, babe.

 

I do think that, before jumping on someone else's bandwagon of what a marriage should be, spouses should talk to EACH OTHER and decide BETWEEN THEMSELVES what they would like their marriage to be. Marriage books have terrible reputations for ruining marriages. Why? Because that book isn't about YOUR marriage.

 

Not every man wants a "meek and quiet helpmeet." Not every marriage can thrive on submission.

 

 

I agree, somewhat. The response in this setting, however, will be that even if you don't agree with the Pearls (most here don't), Christian scripture tells us not to lean on our own understanding and give some instructions on marriage and relationship. Exactly what those scriptures say and mean is often debated.

 

I believe in submission. I just don't believe in *wife only* submission. I believe in mutual submission.

[Audrey]

She should clarify at the beginning of the book (maybe she did I don't know) that her book is directed to women that are married to a******s. .

 

That would be a start, eh? And, maybe a subtitle about how to be submissive to an a****** and be the best toilet you can be. :glare:

[usetoschool]

She ought to be a voice of expertise on that front.

 

Bill

 

:lol::lol::lol: (and tragic for her...)

[Audrey]

I agree, somewhat. The response in this setting, however, will be that even if you don't agree with the Pearls (most here don't), Christian scripture tells us not to lean on our own understanding and give some instructions on marriage and relationship. Exactly what those scriptures say and mean is often debated.

 

I believe in submission. I just don't believe in *wife only* submission. I believe in mutual submission.

 

 

I see what you're saying. I did remove it from the christian context (even though I am of the opinion that the Pearls don't really have anything to say in a christian context either).

 

So I guess I should say (for christians) start by talking to each, and then reference the bible together and decide for yourselves.

[TXMary2]

She ought to be a voice of expertise on that front.

 

Bill

 

Yeah, it sounds like it. I think I feel sorry for her, but it sounds like she is making a conscious choice to stay.

[Spy Car]

Yeah, it sounds like it. I think I feel sorry for her, but it sounds like she is making a conscious choice to stay.

 

Proof that her judgement is suspect?

 

Bill

[Renee in NC]

Could someone please tell a little bit what exactly that book says that people dislike (or like, even)?

 

I have heard people rave about this book and specifically recommend it to me personally. Then other people say it is poison. I'm not sure what to think.

 

Since it is scripturally based, do people dislike it just because they don't believe in scripture, and/or don't like what certain scriptures say?

 

I would love some specifics, please. Thanks.

 

No - I am a conservative Christian who follows Scripture. I don't have a problem with what the Scriptures say - I have major problems with how they interpret them.

[Renee in NC]

She should clarify at the beginning of the book (maybe she did I don't know) that her book is directed to women that are married to a******s. I am "submissive" to my husband in the sense that I do my best to take care of him the way he prefers. He does things for me that I ask or in ways I prefer so does that make him submissive? I don't think so. I think sometimes the word submissive is misused or misapplied. In my mind it does not be a doormat, but many women think that is what it means. If my husband ever asked me to do something illegal (he wouldn't I'm just saying) then I wouldn't do it. I would also never give in to unreasonable sexual demands etc or ungodly type situations. Men who think their wives should do those things in the name of being submissive aren't Godly anyway which makes their demands moot.

 

My very best friend in the world has a very different worldview than I do, but inspite of that we love each other and remain friends since childhood. She says her viewpoint is that marriage is 50/50 yet she has "worn the pants" in her marriage for years and is truly downright bossy. She wants what she wants, when she wants it....and usually gets it. She hides money from him so she can spend it on what she wants, but if he so much as swipes the atm card for a $2.00 soda she rips him a new one. She thinks because I cook dinner most nights, do dh's laundry and put it away, make him lunch or bring him lunch to work etc that I am a doormat. I like doing those things for my man because it makes him happy and if he is happy it makes me happy. My husband will surprise me once in a while with my expensvie shampoo and conditioner from the beauty supply or he brings me fresh tulips for the dining table etc. He also brings Hershey Bars and that right there has me for life. LOL Anyway, she won't do anything he asks because she says he is capable of taking care of himself. He doted on her in the beginning, but after all these years he is just as rude to her as she is to him and they are at the least verbally abusive to each other. So, in her case I wouldn't be surprised if he up and left one day and I'd go so far to say that it would be mostly her fault.

 

:iagree:

 

That's probably the best statement in this whole thread. Personally, I think the whole submission thing is repugnant. However, if it really works for a couple, and they're both happy... hey, whatever floats your boat, babe.

 

I do think that, before jumping on someone else's bandwagon of what a marriage should be, spouses should talk to EACH OTHER and decide BETWEEN THEMSELVES what they would like their marriage to be. Marriage books have terrible reputations for ruining marriages. Why? Because that book isn't about YOUR marriage.

 

Not every man wants a "meek and quiet helpmeet." Not every marriage can thrive on submission.

 

I just want to clarify that when I said that he didn't want a submissive wife, I meant in the way the Pearls use it. If you define submissive the way TXMary2 did above, then I am.

 

Buying a certain type of soap because he prefers it even though it costs a little more - definitely.

 

Not asking him if he is out of his tree if he wants to spend his whole paycheck on lottery tickets - sorry, not going to happen. (Just an example.)

[lovemyboys]

The problem ISN'T that it's based on the Bible--the problem is that it's NOT, but claims to be. I've seen it compared to the same deceptive techniques satan used against Eve. Use a little, tiny bit of scripture and mix it in with a whole lot of untruth and call it God's word.

 

Galatians 5:9, "A little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough." A little untruth makes it all untrue. I think in matters of God's word, it's better to completely reject teaching that deliberately incorporates untruth than to attempt to sort the wrong from the right, when both is coming from the same mouth.

 

Exactly. Great points. I wouldn't begin to dig through his/their words trying to find what's worthy or relevant for me knowing what else has come from this same couple. It's all tainted. I hate to think of families being misled by their wrong unBiblical teachings.

[lollie010]

Ummmmm ....me too...and dh would have it no other way...LOL....He kinda likes non-submissive ol' me!

 

Yep. I completely submitted to my dh when he told me to get that book out of the house.

[Heather in OK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatCyndiGirl

Michael Pearl: "But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe. If there is any thought that they are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution. Will this glorify God? Forever. You ask, "What if he doesn’t repent even then?" Then you will be rewarded in heaven equal to the martyrs, and God will have something to rub in the Devil’s face. God hates divorce—always, forever, regardless, without exception."

 

 

That is a good way for a woman to get dead.

 

 

It's also a good way to have your children taken away for "failure to protect". You may know your children are safe but if it gets out that you knew about the abuse and didn't turn him in IMMEDIATELY, you will be held responsible as well.

[3littlekeets]

My favorite two are

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.

 

His books are based on years and years of research that was first published in peer-reviewed academic journal in psychology. His steps require work from both parties in a marriage, and they can require rethinking how we address each other each and every day.

 

I know of many marriages he has saved, and it is a book I freely share with my friends and have never heard 1 negative comment -- other than, "Well, I don't know why he can't love me just like I am. He knew I was a b**ch when he married me," LOL -- but after trying it, my friends have been shocked! It is about being emotionally intelligent -- not about being submissive.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd share for those looking for alternatives.

[smrtmama]

I think it's just as sick and twisted in its own way as the baby-beating book, personally.

[AngelBee]

Indeed it does not. As a matter of fact this is actually addressed including the part where you turn your husband over to authorities so he can be jailed.

 

 

As far as the book... Well, keeping in mind that the Pearls' have had to counsel and have been presented with some very hard core issues, it is very explicit and a bit over the top for your average house wife. It DOES get her point across as far as submission and serving rather than being served.

 

It is a book that I respect but it is a bit too explicit for me to have in the home with a teenage daughter, IMO. I think that they feel the need to be very blunt because most people will not change their way of acting / behaving in any other circumstance. Do I think it's the best book out there? Um, probably not. Do I think that it is useful? Probably.

 

I actually don't like their To Train Up a Child book because I feel it's taken the wrong way... I don't think people understand how vital the "tying strings" part is to the parent relationship and because it puts SO much focus on training and less on relationships generally you end up with parents who are drill sergeants and looking at actions but not attitudes. And I think this is because of the tone / tongue in cheek responses. I think their REAL attitude about their kids / family raising is better portrayed in their No Greater Joy books.

 

And I only bring that up because I think the same thing is true in the marriage book... I think they're writing to those extreme cases and those awful couples they've had experience with. And I think in the meantime it strikes those of us living "normal" lives as overboard and extreme.

 

But I think anything that can shock the general attitude of most wives into a "Serve instead of Be Served" attitude is a good thing. And I think too many women use the excuse of, "Well, but he's not doing his part" as a reason to not do their part. We can only be responsible for ourselves. And that's about $0.02 more than you asked for, lol. :D

I agree with most of what you said. :)

[Saille]

Here's a link to a blog that I think does an excellent job in pointing out a lot of the Biblical error and confused thinking in one of the Pearls marriage books.

 

http://createdtobehelpmeet.blogspot.com/

 

Thank you. This really stood out for me:

 

"Instead, Paul calls Christian husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificially. He even calls for mutual submission, out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21). A husband is called to be a foot-washing leader--not a ruler, president, or king of his family, all analogies that Debi uses frequently in her book."

[coffeefreak]

Thank you. This really stood out for me:

 

"Instead, Paul calls Christian husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificially. He even calls for mutual submission, out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21). A husband is called to be a foot-washing leader--not a ruler, president, or king of his family, all analogies that Debi uses frequently in her book."

 

:iagree:

 

Also, it's not really "Debi's book." Everything she does is approved by her husband. Even when she speaks in public, there can only be women in the room. Michael Pearl approved every word of her book and even added to the end in his own voice. I really think it's Michael Pearl's book, and his opinion of what a "good wife" is. :glare:

[Rosy]

I have not read this particular book, but I have enough direct and indirect knowledge of what the Pearls teach to know that it is built on a faulty premise. A husband is the sovereign ruler of the home. Children can be trained like animals and produce the same results. These are not true statements, but they are the basis for the Pearls' teachings. That is why they can't be trusted. They misuse Scripture and play upon the fears and desire parents have to raise happy, godly children.

 

I believe in and practice submission, but not absolute submission. I believe that children should obey their parents, that doesn't mean that children need to give their parents full control of their lives and it *definitely* does not mean parents should try to take that control. Their teaching goes to an ungodly extreme.

[Miss Sherry]

My dh would be so mad if I did that! :lol: "You KNEW I was going to wrong way and didn't say anything?!?!?! What is the matter with you?!?!?! You are supposed to be helping!!!" :lol:

Yes, and I would agree with him. Isn't it just so strange what some people's idea of what a "biblical" marriage is supposed to look like ? I wonder, were the Pearls ever part of a cult ? They are so radically legalistic, it makes me wonder.

[stripe]

I think they're writing to those extreme cases and those awful couples they've had experience with. And I think in the meantime it strikes those of us living "normal" lives as overboard and extreme.

I find it somewhat curious that someone would write a book about marriage that is mostly directed towards those with criminal histories and extremely unusual behaviors, instead of what is typical and accepted. That assumption alone says quite a bit about one's perspective on marriage (e.g. that child molestation by the husband is an issue one will likely confront in one's marriage).

 

We can only be responsible for ourselves.

I completely agree with this statement, but the way one acts is rarely in a vacuum. The best way to be compassionate to a loving, wonderful husband is, in my opinion and according to my personal beliefs, not the same way I would treat a stranger who's entered my house to assault me and my family, just as an example. I could very courteously place a call to the police and then beat a rapist over the head with a baseball bat with no regrets, nor feeling that it made me "not a nice person." It would be gross negligence of my maternal duties to allow (God forbid) any person -- including a family member -- to assault my children. Marriage does NOT come first for me, per my religious beliefs; doing the right thing does.

[SquirrellyMama]

I personally believe their books are about as bad as the new liberal, child development/psych junk out on the market also.

[TXMary2]

I personally believe their books are about as bad as the new liberal, child development/psych junk out on the market also.

 

Yes, just the other extreme.

[LibraryLover]

Yes, just the other extreme.

 

But minus the whipping to death.

[Lovedtodeath]

I think it is dangerous, sick and perverts scripture. The idea that you can glean something and leave the rest is a dangerous, icky idea. If something has poison, it's poisoned.

I agree but your use of the word ickycracks me up!

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them.

 

Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.

 

A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them."

 

Matthew 7:15-19

 

Bill

Bill, I am amazed. You would be getting lots of green boxes for this if we still had them. This is a perfect answer to the OPs question.

[LibraryLover]

Bill, if you had your own ministry, you'd be dangerous. :D But in a good way. In a humourous Alfred- E Newman, intellectual, extreme, your -child- is- a -person, 5 -point -harness kind of way.

[Guest janainaz]

The law is the foundation of the Pearl's thinking, and to them, God is a nothing more than a judge. Who these people believe God to be is reflected in what they teach.

 

I don't need to read a book to figure out how to love my husband and how to love my children. Either your actions are loving, or they aren't. It's not all that complicated. I know so many women that read the Help Meet book and their overall motive was to manipulate behaviour out of their husband. It was the "If I do A he's going to follow by doing B" mentality. Many women ended up frustrated at the lack of fruit in their efforts, and for the ones it worked for, I question the motives for following such a book. A marriage can not work that way. Those motives never prove to be genuine. You can't just go read a book and start applying principles without a change taking place deep in your heart. I can't stand the idea of reading a book that tells me who I'm SUPPOSED to be and feeling like I need to apply "principles" to change myself. The only change that has come about in my life is through being loved unconditionally and being fully accepted just as I am. There is nothing in the Help Meet book that points to the attitude of Christ. There is nothing I've read in any of their materials that demonstrate pure love.

 

God does not manipulate and his kindness leads us to repentance. Jesus simplified everything and brought the purpose of our life back to one principle - to love one another, which is loving God and vice versa.

[Miss Sherry]

I don't know if the subject of divorce has come up in any of the recent threads on the Pearls, but I do believe there is a lot of misinformation regarding the incorrect notion that a woman "must" stay married to an abusive man, unless he has committed adultery. Adultery is NOT the only expression of immorality that God is displeased with and it makes no sense to say your husband can be mean and hateful, a drunk, etc. etc. but unless he commits adultery you have to remain in the marriage. The truth is, you are not required by scripture to stay married in such a situation. The Pearls are VERY wrong on this subject.

 

 

Here is site that addresses this issue.

 

http://christiandivorce.1hwy.com/

[kmacnchs]

Is it not Biblical that Jesus came to reverse the effects of the Fall which included male domination over females?

 

nope. not Biblical at all. He set up woman to be a suitable helper b4 the fall.

 

What about the women in the Bible with authority?

 

Off of the top of my head: Ester - she came to the king in a humble, submissive way to ask for him to not kill the Jews (biblical)

 

and not to ever forget the Blessed Virgin Mary to whom Jesus obeyed during the wedding at Cana?

 

He was respecting His mother (Biblical)

 

Okay, I'll get off the soapbox now. I know I won't change anyone's mind in this type of forum.

 

You are probably right about the last part, but we women sure do like to yell our points don't we :lol:

 

I only responded to some points b/c that's all the energy I have but the difference is that I believe God used man to write down His words so I can see Moses' flaws but still believe the words he wrote through God. Why/how? Faith - simple, I know, but true.

 

So, quoting other men in history does not change my view of God or His Word.

[Lovedtodeath]

So, quoting other men in history does not change my view of God or His Word.

:iagree:

[Miss Sherry]

I see what you're saying. I did remove it from the christian context (even though I am of the opinion that the Pearls don't really have anything to say in a christian context either).

 

So I guess I should say (for christians) start by talking to each, and then reference the bible together and decide for yourselves.

Yes, I think that would be best.

I think one of the big problems with christians, especially young christians that are in their 20's and 30's, is that they tend to look for someone who they want to believe is "super-spiritual and knows ALL of the answers". Perhaps this is a problem with people in general. Wake up people. We are each responsible for our own actions. Yes, we can seek counsel, learn from those more mature than us, etc. but ultimately what you believe and what you do is on your own shoulders and YOU will be held accountable.

Beware of anyone in leadership who thinks they personally have the final word on anything and they are not willing to have their beliefs examined in light of scripture. The Pearls do not tolerate being questioned.

 

The books by the Pearls are all about following "the Pearls". Not doing what's truly good and truly scriptural. They are filling a desire too many people have to have someone dogmatically boss them around and make them feel they have arrived on some higher spiritual plane. Some people will do whatever the most dominant voice in the room tells them to do, regardless of how out of whack the things being said to do really are.

This happens on a smaller level in homeschool support groups and I see it happening on line too. Some women want the most bossy, dominant women to "tell" them what they are to be doing. It's not the same as listening to advice and finding out what is best for your own child and family. It's looking for someone to think for you. It happens in churches. Some leader with a dominant personality, regardless of how scriptural their thinking is or is not, can get certain people to follow whatever they say.

The problem is, not everyone is willing to be responsible for their own thoughts and actions, and are too easily led around by anyone willing to take the lead.Some "leaders" have a strong desire to have their narcissistic egos fed and see others acting as if they are all knowing. It's pitiful and sometimes very tragic.

There will always be leaders and followers. But you should not give up your own responsibility to think because you have dominant voices and leaders in your life.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[Tracy in Ky]

I have seen plenty of criticism (rightly so) about the child training book, but what does everyone think of the "Help Meet" book? I couldn't get through the whole book. I am not anti-submissive, but that book is really hard core and over the top in my opinion. I have a friend that buys this book and the child training book in bulk and gives copies away to people because she swears by them. I love my friend and I have never challenged her on these books because I KNOW she would never back down, but I can't stand the books.

 

I just threw my copy in the trash a couple of days ago.

[keptwoman]

Like I said, I'm not a big feminist, but I can see the time in the future that all the rights we have gained are taken away again simply because we and our daughters abdicate our rights.

I disagree. I think that women who are willing to abdicate rights are in a very small minority.

 

Yes, and I would agree with him. Isn't it just so strange what some people's idea of what a "biblical" marriage is supposed to look like ? I wonder, were the Pearls ever part of a cult ? They are so radically legalistic, it makes me wonder.

Seems to me that they lead a cult, the only thing missing is the compound.

 

Bill, if you had your own ministry, you'd be dangerous. :D But in a good way. In a humourous Alfred- E Newman, intellectual, extreme, your -child- is- a -person, 5 -point -harness kind of way.

Oi! You forgot cuisenaire rods :D

 

I don't know if the subject of divorce has come up in any of the recent threads on the Pearls, but I do believe there is a lot of misinformation regarding the incorrect notion that a woman "must" stay married to an abusive man, unless he has committed adultery. Adultery is NOT the only expression of immorality that God is displeased with and it makes no sense to say your husband can be mean and hateful, a drunk, etc. etc. but unless he commits adultery you have to remain in the marriage. The truth is, you are not required by scripture to stay married in such a situation. The Pearls are VERY wrong on this subject.

 

 

Here is site that addresses this issue.

 

http://christiandivorce.1hwy.com/

Just to clarify.... they say you should divorce your husband if he sleeps with another woman, but not if he sexually abuses your children??? :001_huh:

[coffeefreak]

Just to clarify.... they say you should divorce your husband if he sleeps with another woman, but not if he sexually abuses your children??? :001_huh:

 

No, they actually don't condone divorce AT. ALL. EVER. No matter what the circumstances.

[Joy at Home]

Bill, if you had your own ministry, you'd be dangerous. :D But in a good way. In a humourous Alfred- E Newman, intellectual, extreme, your -child- is- a -person, 5 -point -harness kind of way.

 

 

:lol::lol: I love this.

[Peek a Boo]

...but I do believe there is a lot of misinformation regarding the incorrect notion that a woman "must" stay married to an abusive man, unless he has committed adultery. Adultery is NOT the only expression of immorality that God is displeased with and it makes no sense to say your husband can be mean and hateful, a drunk, etc. etc. but unless he commits adultery you have to remain in the marriage. The truth is, you are not required by scripture to stay married in such a situation. The Pearls are VERY wrong on this subject.

 

I know this will be unpopular, but there's another way to look at the "stay w/ your stupid, abusive dh no matter what":

 

If I knew my dh was a child molester that was getting out of jail, the best way I could keep an eye on him would BE to stay close to him. Since I am pretty keen to his thoughts and patterns [since it was I that reported him in the first place], it would be much easier for ME to watch and see if anyone is at risk than for some other new chick that might not know his full history. Ditto w/ other forms of abuse. I am not required to stay with him in such a way that I am UNSAFE [even the whacked-out Pearls acknowledge that] but I should be close enough somehow to know what's going on so I can report him again if need be.

 

 

 

Or I can justifiably cut him loose and let some other future victim fall prey to his ways after he has "duly served his time."

[TXMary2]

No, they actually don't condone divorce AT. ALL. EVER. No matter what the circumstances.

 

Well that right there is not biblical.

[krisperry]

It took alcohol and a hot bath for me to finish the book. When I was done, I wanted to burn it. Only book I have ever felt the need to destroy.

[Peek a Boo]

Well that right there is not biblical.

 

sure it is. Christ clarified that Himself.

[Rebel]

Hmmmm, I'm in the process of divorcing my registered sex offender husband, because he still feels no remorse for what he did, only remorse for getting caught. His probation officer wanted me to still attend chaperone training so I could keep an eye on him. I decided that was not MY responsibility or burden. That is HER job. My son had already expressed that he felt confused by why I was staying with a liar who had betrayed us. (We were living separately but still seeing each other.)

 

At the very least, he has required weekly sex offender therapy and twice monthly meetings with his probation officer for 9 more years. After that, do I worry that he might do it again? Yes, I do, but I'm choosing my happiness and the happiness of my son over policing stbx. As my therapist explained to me, I'm not responsible for his behavior. I'm not here to spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on a pedophile. Am I being selfish? Maybe. Do I care? No.

[kmacnchs]

sure it is. Christ clarified that Himself.

 

well, in Matthew, he says "except on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness"

 

just saying...

[secular_mom]

Hmmmm, I'm in the process of divorcing my registered sex offender husband, because he still feels no remorse for what he did, only remorse for getting caught. His probation officer wanted me to still attend chaperone training so I could keep an eye on him. I decided that was not MY responsibility or burden. That is HER job. My son had already expressed that he felt confused by why I was staying with a liar who had betrayed us. (We were living separately but still seeing each other.)

 

At the very least, he has required weekly sex offender therapy and twice monthly meetings with his probation officer for 9 more years. After that, do I worry that he might do it again? Yes, I do, but I'm choosing my happiness and the happiness of my son over policing stbx. As my therapist explained to me, I'm not responsible for his behavior. I'm not here to spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on a pedophile. Am I being selfish? Maybe. Do I care? No.

 

Rebel, you are not being selfish- HE is the selfish one- putting his illegal desires at the top of his priority list, etc.

Don't even THINK anything negative about yourself, you did not cause him to make the choices he made. You did not cause him to be a pedophile, and if you had known that to begin with you would not have married him. :grouphug: I won't sit here and let you 'blame' yourself in ANY way with ANY words for this man's behavior.

[TXMary2]

sure it is. Christ clarified that Himself.

 

I disagree. God does allow divorce when one spouse has broken their vows.

[coffeefreak]

Hmmmm, I'm in the process of divorcing my registered sex offender husband, because he still feels no remorse for what he did, only remorse for getting caught. His probation officer wanted me to still attend chaperone training so I could keep an eye on him. I decided that was not MY responsibility or burden. That is HER job. My son had already expressed that he felt confused by why I was staying with a liar who had betrayed us. (We were living separately but still seeing each other.)

 

At the very least, he has required weekly sex offender therapy and twice monthly meetings with his probation officer for 9 more years. After that, do I worry that he might do it again? Yes, I do, but I'm choosing my happiness and the happiness of my son over policing stbx. As my therapist explained to me, I'm not responsible for his behavior. I'm not here to spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on a pedophile. Am I being selfish? Maybe. Do I care? No.

 

:grouphug:

 

You are amazing!

Dorinda

[elegantlion]

Yes, I do, but I'm choosing my happiness and the happiness of my son over policing stbx. As my therapist explained to me, I'm not responsible for his behavior. I'm not here to spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on a pedophile. Am I being selfish? Maybe. Do I care? No.

 

Rebel, you are not being selfish- HE is the selfish one- putting his illegal desires at the top of his priority list, etc.

Don't even THINK anything negative about yourself, you did not cause him to make the choices he made. You did not cause him to be a pedophile, and if you had known that to begin with you would not have married him. :grouphug: I won't sit here and let you 'blame' yourself in ANY way with ANY words for this man's behavior.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Hmmmm, I'm in the process of divorcing my registered sex offender husband, because he still feels no remorse for what he did, only remorse for getting caught. His probation officer wanted me to still attend chaperone training so I could keep an eye on him. I decided that was not MY responsibility or burden. That is HER job.

 

I think that you should not feel responsible for the actions, past or future, of this man. However, I think that taking chaperone classes would probably be helpful in 'tuning in' to the collective experience with this problem. You have an opportunity to become even more capable of protecting your child, maybe from others than this man. Take it.

[Peek a Boo]

I'm not here to spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on a pedophile. Am I being selfish? Maybe. Do I care? No.

 

i certainly don't blame you for the actions you are taking. I don't try to interpret scripture the way I think it should be interpreted, but in scriptural context. We all do things that are selfish, and many of them are absolutely justifiable in our sinful fallen state. Thank God for Christ and His forgiveness. :)