love2read Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 are the gifts returned? Money from checks? Some young friends of ours called off their wedding about two weeks after the shower and nothing was returned. I'm just wondering what is the norm and while I would like to be more generous, I'm feeling annoyed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Yes, everything should be returned. How long has it been though? Maybe they are trying to work things out or aren't emotionally where they need to be to think of returning things yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Should be returned. I'm wondering, too--how long has it been? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 are the gifts returned? Money from checks? Some young friends of ours called off their wedding about two weeks after the shower and nothing was returned. I'm just wondering what is the norm and while I would like to be more generous, I'm feeling annoyed. Should be returned. All of it. A friend of mine called off the wedding a week beforehand and she personally returned all the gifts to each giver. She is the one who broke it off. And it seems like she did it quickly...within 2 weeks or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) Should be returned. All of it. A friend of mine called off the wedding a week beforehand and she personally returned all the gifts to each giver. She is the one who broke it off. And it seems like she did it quickly...within 2 weeks or so. This reminds me of a good friend whose dd was engaged to this young man..he broke it off.....got back together....set a date....and one week before the wedding he breaks it off again. We get a card from her parents that says, 'the wedding of R & J will not take place.' XH said, 'the only word missing from that card is 'EVER.' LOL Edited December 11, 2009 by Scarlett Clarity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 I called off a wedding after the invitations were sent and showers had many years ago. My intention was to return all gifts and money, but I actually had some aunts/grandparents specifically tell me to keep them to help me start my own household (I lived with the guy at the time and we did not have two of everything). I think they were just glad I didn't marry him! I did return all others, though, in fairly short order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Gifts should be returned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Yeah, for me, I wouldn't mind if the gift was kept. I can understand that not all people feel that way. It would depend on my relationship with said person. Maybe even what the gift was too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beezus Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Yes, stuff and money should be returned. It was given in anticipation of a wedding. Maybe some family members or close friends don't want their gift returned, but it seems like that should be the option of the giver. It should still be offered to be returned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted December 11, 2009 Author Share Posted December 11, 2009 Originally Posted by WendyK Yeah, for me, I wouldn't mind if the gift was kept. I can understand that not all people feel that way. It would depend on my relationship with said person. Maybe even what the gift was too. I have gone back and forth on this so many times and the root of why I would like to see the cash/check returned is that I feel deceived. She called and said they were delaying the wedding and a week later my daughter (same age as the xbride) saw on the girls facebook that her relationship status had been changed to something like single and free. Neither of the two come from wealthy families. They didn't live together first and both still live with their parents. I'm really trying to be generous, but I've seen them both spend money on silly indulgences and it continues to irk all of us. We aren't close to them, but just familiar church friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Yes the gifts and money should be returned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Gifts of all kinds should be returned. Someday these two will get married (maybe not to each other) and you'll want to send a gift then. Otherwise....In a few years, you'd 'hate' to send a card that said I gave for the wedding that wasn't...remember that gift. :tongue_smilie::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 It's rude not to send the gifts back, AND it's rude to ask for them back. Kind of a no win situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 I'd never ask for the gift back, but I'd be ticked if the recipient didn't offer to return it. However, depending on the situation and the person, I'd most likely tell them to keep it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 It's rude not to send the gifts back, AND it's rude to ask for them back.Kind of a no win situation. OP hasn't asked for it back. She asked if she was being unreasonable to expect the gift back. Also, I can imagine that cancelling a wedding would be VERY stressful and I can easily see how a couple could just not be able to return the gifts from the stress...OTOH (I have too many hands) I wouldn't want to have the reminders of the cancelled wedding around me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Yes, gifts *should* be returned. But I would also try to do my best to be charitable if they weren't. What an awful, stressful time that must be for all of the parties involved! Unless I knew otherwise, I would want to *think* that they were doing their best, and some things just fell through the cracks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 She could return the cash ASAP and send people a note to let them know she'd be returning the gifts. That way, someone who is close or who has given a very small gift has a chance to tell the 'bride' to keep the gift, & the others don't have to wonder. It can take some time to box up and mail gifts, if there are a lot of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 OP hasn't asked for it back. She asked if she was being unreasonable to expect the gift back. I didn't say she asked for it back. I was just giving a thorough and complete answer to the overall issue. It's the whole 'two wrongs don't make a right' thing that is so common in etiquette questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 When my sister's wedding was canceled, I have a feeling she only returned *some* of the gifts. I know I only got back the most expensive gift I gave her (there were several) after I gave her a few weeks to put herself together and then got on her to start the returning. In her case, after the initial dust settled down, they announced that they were merely postponing the wedding indefinitely (which turned out to be a year). I think she believed she was entitled to keep everything, since they would be getting married eventually. I don't know if she was technically right or wrong, but I do know that the first two weeks after a wedding cancellation can be insane!!!! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 are the gifts returned? Money from checks? Some young friends of ours called off their wedding about two weeks after the shower and nothing was returned. I'm just wondering what is the norm and while I would like to be more generous, I'm feeling annoyed. Yes, they must be returned. Gifts and checks, even if they have already been spent. I would find a gentle way to prompt the mother of the bride or groom, depending on which is the one who invited you. Not just for your sake but the sake of the others who gave gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Are you 100% sure that the wedding was called off totally? What I read was that it was announced that the wedding was postponed. It was her facebook status of "single" that made the OP's daughter and the OP say that it was totally cancelled. The first thing I would do is to call the bride or the bride's mom or her maid of honor (perhaps?) and find out if it is totally off (not in a gossipy vulture sort of way but more as a friend wanting to find out sort of way). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 I didn't say she asked for it back.I was just giving a thorough and complete answer to the overall issue. It's the whole 'two wrongs don't make a right' thing that is so common in etiquette questions. Yes. You are right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 It's rude not to send the gifts back, AND it's rude to ask for them back.Kind of a no win situation. :iagree: and I wouldn't hold my breath for them to be returned. Manners are just terrible these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 I had this happen to me-- my cousin had a bridal shower but then the wedding was called off. She never returned the gifts, and I think she should have. I gave my gift to celebrate the occasion of her marriage, which did not happen-- not to help her start up her own place. That did irk me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 I called off a wedding after the shower. The day after I called it off I called ALL of the people who had given gifts to let them know and make arrangements to return the gifts. Interstingly, ever single one of them told me to keep it EXCEPT for my grandmother. :tongue_smilie: No one gave me money as a shower gift but I would have returned that as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdeveson Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Every gift should be returned promptly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smrtmama Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 are the gifts returned? Money from checks? Some young friends of ours called off their wedding about two weeks after the shower and nothing was returned. I'm just wondering what is the norm and while I would like to be more generous, I'm feeling annoyed. Yes, it should be returned. Wedding gifts also shouldn't be used prior to the wedding, traditionally, so they CAN be returned if the wedding doesn't happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 This brought to mind a conversation I had with an elderly woman I know. She no longer gives wedding gifts. She sends a gift on the couple's first anniversary. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 This brought to mind a conversation I had with an elderly woman I know. She no longer gives wedding gifts. She sends a gift on the couple's first anniversary. :) Cynical, but effective. An elegant solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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