Do you think most men struggle (or experience) lust?

[OnTheBrink]

Even married ones? How do you deal with that? If your dh or SO admits to lusting, does it hurt your feelings? Is it a dent in your marriage? Or is it something all men deal with because of how they're wired and as long as there's no acting on the lust, you just deal with it?

 

I'm asking because a male friend admitted he struggles with lust. I've never, ever, in my life had someone admit that to me, so I'm wondering what to do with this, if it should affect how I view this man or it should have any affect at all.

 

Did this make sense?

[Julpost]

I've discussed this with my dh as well as read Every Man's Battle and another book for women regarding the men in their lives (the title escapes me right now but she's a Christian author). The latter said she had many Christian men admit that to her, I can't remember if it surprised her or not.

[Mama Lynx]

What do you mean by lust?

 

My usual use of the term means having sexual thoughts about another person. But I thought that everyone had those thoughts from time to time, men and women both.

[Crissy]

Yes, I believe most do.

My husband certainly does. How he chooses to act on his thoughts and desires determines whether or not I have hurt feelings.

 

We has a mighty struggle with this early in our marriage, and I had to understand that it has Nothing to do with me. Ooooh. That's a tough one!

[CookieMonster]

Or is it something all men deal with because of how they're wired

Did this make sense?

 

Yes. And Yes.

 

All men deal with lust. Even the most truly spiritual among them. They are wired that way.

 

The big deal is how they deal with the lust. Do they put the thought away as soon as it comes? Do they dwell on it? Do they fantasize about it? Do they act on it?

 

Have you ever seen these books: Every Man's Battle, For Women Only, Sex is not the Problem,

 

 

There's a reason why they were written. ;)

 

I mean, think about beer commercials. The scantily clad beautiful women with bouncing boobs are selling the product. Why do you think they have sex-symbol women on car spreads? Lust is real. Really real for men.

[GothicGyrl]

What do you mean by lust?

 

My usual use of the term means having sexual thoughts about another person. But I thought that everyone had those thoughts from time to time, men and women both.

Exactly. What's your definition of lust?

 

I've done it, DH has done it. In fact, we do it all the time and there is nothing wrong with our "bed". :) I think it spices us up a bit. I know it does.

 

So what do you mean by lust because I think we have different understandings of this word. Do I care if DH looks at another woman and thinks "she's hot". NOPE. Because he comes home to me and *I* reap the benefits. I understand to some, this might make you wonder whether he's really want you, or you just because you are there and he can't get her.

 

But for me and my opinion--ALL lust all the time. It's just a matter of how you handle it, how you deal with it and how you accept it.

[Doran]

Even married ones? How do you deal with that? If your dh or SO admits to lusting, does it hurt your feelings? Is it a dent in your marriage? Or is it something all men deal with because of how they're wired and as long as there's no acting on the lust, you just deal with it?

 

I'm asking because a male friend admitted he struggles with lust. I've never, ever, in my life had someone admit that to me, so I'm wondering what to do with this, if it should affect how I view this man or it should have any affect at all.

 

Did this make sense?

 

I believe all men deal with this. I KNOW my husband does. But, I feel that I need to clarify. I would not choose the word "struggles". He's not perpetually wishing he could get in some other woman's pants (pardon my frankness), but he absolutely notices other women, and by his own only half-joking admission, he thinks about sex roughly every four seconds (what was that move where the guy said that?). It doesn't offend me, and I don't feel threatened now. It was an issue between us some years back -- we had to work hard on our communication and differences in libido. My level of comfort now comes from knowing and trusting that my dh can get his appetite elsewhere but only dines at home.

 

A male friend, as in a male "interest"? I'd want to know a lot more about what he means by "struggles" before I could determine how to read that.

 

Doran

[Jenny in Atl]

Yes, and I would say women do too... but like others have said, it's what you do or don't do that counts. :willy_nilly:

[Whisperlily]

I believe it is very normal. Every man, (and woman) of course, has a different level that they experience.

 

Talking openly about it, however is a whole different story. Talking offhandedly with a wife or SO about their thoughts, however unbidden, about another woman would be an act of total disrespect for her as a person. It would not only be damaging to a relationship, but could be damaging to her self image as well. Unless it is done under the proper circumstances (i.e. admitting a problem, asking for help if it has grown into something more than natural response) it isn't something that men should talk about in a relationship.

 

It's a natural biological response.

[karne]

I think the majority of men do experience lust. To varying degrees. We all have sinful thoughts about different things, some thoughts just fly through your head and you don't dwell on them. Some thoughts like to hang around and take root and that causes the struggle and the temptation.

 

Men seem to have problems with lust more than women do, they are visually stimulated. As wives, we should always pray for our husbands in this area, even if it has never been an issue.

 

I am now married to a Godly man who loves me dearly. My first husband had a bad habit - he never stopped dating. So, I do know a little bit about this area. If my first husband had come to me and said, "I'm really having a very difficult time in this area." I would have prayed with him and for him practically 24/7. I would have been honored to be taken into his confidence, to be trusted. I'd have been more than happy to work with him through this. But, he chose lying and cheating, so there we are!

 

Satan uses this area to break up marriages cause it's so easy! We really need to pray for our husbands.

[OnTheBrink]

I believe all men deal with this. I KNOW my husband does. But, I feel that I need to clarify. I would not choose the word "struggles". He's not perpetually wishing he could get in some other woman's pants (pardon my frankness), but he absolutely notices other women, and by his own only half-joking admission, he thinks about sex roughly every four seconds (what was that move where the guy said that?). It doesn't offend me, and I don't feel threatened now. It was an issue between us some years back -- we had to work hard on our communication and differences in libido. My level of comfort now comes from knowing and trusting that my dh can get his appetite elsewhere but only dines at home.

 

A male friend, as in a male "interest"? I'd want to know a lot more about what he means by "struggles" before I could determine how to read that.

 

Doran

 

He's a friend. A good friend, single, someone who's been wonderful to me since my marriage broke up. I'm not sure if there's any sort of romantic interest on his part. Heck, if I can't tell if lust is normal in straight men, I sure can't tell if they "like" me. LOL The context of the conversation was regarding I John where it says those who say they know Christ yet practice sin are liars. So, he said he struggles with lust and is that "practicing" sin? The conversation was really more focused on what "practicing sin" meant over lust specifically. It wasn't like he approached me and said, "Hey baby, I'm a lustin' fool!"

 

So, anyway, I was taken aback a little when he said that was a sin he struggled with and maybe it shouldn't have surprised me at all. It's been years since I was close to a man who wasn't my EX, so I feel like I've landed on some other planet. I guess I'm trying to figure out what's normal or not and what should bother me or not. I think my ex really messed my head up a LOT. :(

[LG Gone Wild]

there is acting like a horn dog. I really like men but I am not a sl$t. So, are you referring to men who act immature and chase skirts?

[Mekanamom]

What do you mean by lust?

 

My usual use of the term means having sexual thoughts about another person. But I thought that everyone had those thoughts from time to time, men and women both.

 

I agree. I think it's totally normal, whether you are married or not. No, it doesn't hurt my feelings. My husband didn't suddenly go blind when he married me. ;)

 

Er, it would hurt my feelings if my spouse cheated on me. We took vows to not do that. But I don't feel that admiring or being sexually attracted to someone else is cheating. Just don't put the thoughts into action.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Was he hitting on you, perhaps? I've had men talk about stuff like this to me, and several times, it soon became evident that they were testing the waters with me, to see if I would be open to more "friendly" conversations, hoping for more.

 

I obviously don't know the context of your conversation, or the nature of your relationship with this man, but you probably don't want to become more friendly with him after his confession.

 

Just a thought.

[OnTheBrink]

Was he hitting on you, perhaps? I've had men talk about stuff like this to me, and several times, it soon became evident that they were testing the waters with me, to see if I would be open to more "friendly" conversations, hoping for more.

 

I obviously don't know the context of your conversation, or the nature of your relationship with this man, but you probably don't want to become more friendly with him after his confession.

 

Just a thought.

 

Oh, no no. See my post above for more details on the conversation's context. :)

[Rosie_0801]

I think more problems come from being concerned about lust, than by lusting. I mean, a sex drive is a normal thing to have! If married (or defacto) partners didn't lust after each other at least some of the time, the relationship would die. It's quite normal to notice people other than one's partner, it's quite normal for guys (and plenty of girls too I expect) to have a "pixel" collection. I don't see any reason to take offense or any reason for a person to guilt trip themselves over them. If someone is oggling long enough to get caught, they were looking too long. That's offensive. Cheating is offensive.

I think you ought to tell this chap that God gave him a sex drive, so he's obviously supposed to have one! When a guy goes out looking for a girlfriend, his head, heart and lust-o-meter had better agree, or the relationship won't work. Lust is not bad, but it does require supervision :)

My thoughts...

Rosie

[Whisperlily]

Oh, no no. See my post above for more details on the conversation's context. :)

 

 

And yet... even so... even in that context.... it is still a valid question.

 

He could very well have been testing the waters without seeming so...

[Carol in Cal.]

Despite the context, it really sounds like he was checking you out. For similar inclinations. Maybe unconsciously, but definately.

 

(And, BTW, I am not someone who thinks that men and women can't be friends. I just think that when this subject comes up and is articulated so personally, there is usually something deeper going on, if only subconsciously.)

[Danestress]

I think some men struggle with lust. I think some men indulge their lust by hitting on other women or looking at pornography.

 

I also think most women experience lust.

 

Many men experience a decline in libido as they age - often due to declining hormone levels, physical problems, or necessary prescription drugs (like anti-depressents and blood pressure control medication). And let's face it, pressures of the job and family can change a man's desire. My husband says that no one with a "real" job really could possibly think about sex every seven seconds, though I have heard that as a statistic on this board more than once. Interestingly, Scopes has an interesting article on that very topic:

 

http://www.snopes.com/science/stats/thinksex.asp

[Plaid Dad]

Yes, I believe most men experience strong urges, at least from time to time. Whether they experience them as a struggle depends on their station in life (married, single, or vowed celibate), their beliefs about lust and its physical expression (religious convictions, mostly), and facets of body chemistry and psychology that are largely beyond their control (intensity and frequency of urges, addictive or compulsive personality disorders).

 

I have known men whose lives were entirely caught up with s*x but who would have been shocked to be told that they had "a besetting sin" - they were neither aware of anything unusual in their obsessions nor were they troubled by them. They did not struggle, largely because their worldviews did not include a notion of s*xual sin in the first place. Some of these men would, by clinical standards, be considered s*x addicts.

 

I have known devout men who struggled with what on the grand scheme of things were minor temptations, but which, given their station in life were grave problems for them - celibate clergy and monastics, for example.

 

I know many men who have struggled intensely with lust at certain times in their lives but find that those urges vary or decrease with time and circumstance (mental and physical health, fatigue, age). I think this is the norm for most men - and not a few women.

 

But I don't think I know any men for which lust, acknowledged or unacknowledged, was a total non-issue. They may be out there; I just haven't met them.

[OnTheBrink]

Despite the context, it really sounds like he was checking you out. For similar inclinations. Maybe unconsciously, but definately.

 

(And, BTW, I am not someone who thinks that men and women can't be friends. I just think that when this subject comes up and is articulated so personally, there is usually something deeper going on, if only subconsciously.)

 

Maybe, I'm not sure. There were other people in the conversation (1 man and two other women) and after he said that, another man told my friend he needed a wife! Then the man looked over at me. I didn't know what to do, so I laughed it off like the others in the conversation did.

 

This guy, my friend, has never been anything but a gentleman to me (and any other female I've ever seen him interact with) so to even hear him say the word lust surprised me. I mean, like I said before, he's been wonderful to me, in a very appropriate way. He has an excellent reputation, which again, is why the whole thing surprised me.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm glad to hear it's a normal thing for men. I've been around such an UNnormal man that I'm unsure what's normal. In fact, if this guy IS interested, his clues are lost one me. It might have been inappropriate for him to admit to this, or maybe he's letting me know he's not gay! LOL Oh boy. I need a coach, I think.

[abbeyej]

What do you mean by lust?

 

My usual use of the term means having sexual thoughts about another person. But I thought that everyone had those thoughts from time to time, men and women both.

 

Absolutely. If someone (male or female) told me they never experienced lust, I would think there was something wrong with them.

 

That said, I do think that most people have the choice not to "entertain" lustful thoughts. And I think those things are quite different.

[Jennifer in NH]

Didn't our former President Jimmy Carter say in an interview once (while he was President) that he "Lusted in my heart".

 

As long as DH comes home to me and me alone, I don't mind what his personal thoughts are.

[Kelli in TN]

My husband told me that it is just different for men than it is for women. It is not that men like him (good, Godly, faithful, devoted to their wives type of men) want to lust. They are just visual beings and that is that. He gave an example of walking into the courthouse and seeing a professional woman in a fairly fitted business suit. He sees the curves, he sees the shape and it isn't that he consciously thinks "Whoa, if I weren't stuck with my wife I could have me some of that". It's just that, there she is and isn't she pretty? And a lttle fire is sort of lit for a moment. Then he prays and it goes away.

 

Do women lust? Not all women lust after men in a s#xual way. I never do. I am telling you the absolute truth that when I am feeling "lusty" it is husband I am thinking about. 100% of the time.

 

But have I ever thought equally sinful thoughts like "Why can't he be the father I think he should be?" or "Why can't he be interested in the things I think he should be interested in?" or "Why can't he be more like ______'s husband?" Guilty as charged. I think it is just as sinful to think these disrespectful thoughts as it is for him to notice a woman's curves.

 

We need to find all of our delight in one another and not let the world encroach upon our marital bliss.

 

Shoot, now I am thinking married thoughts. I was going to work on lesson plans tonight but now I think I will have to make other plans.:001_smile:

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

My husband told me that it is just different for men than it is for women. It is not that men like him (good, Godly, faithful, devoted to their wives type of men) want to lust. They are just visual beings and that is that. He gave an example of walking into the courthouse and seeing a professional woman in a fairly fitted business suit. He sees the curves, he sees the shape and it isn't that he consciously thinks "Whoa, if I weren't stuck with my wife I could have me some of that". It's just that, there she is and isn't she pretty? And a lttle fire is sort of lit for a moment.

 

I would amend that for me to say that for some men it is different from some women. And I think it might have something to do with hormone levels, testosterone primarily.

 

I was, in younger years, intensely lustful, that is, had sexual thoughts ALL the time. And my husband was, in general, a very happy man. :ohmy: Every however many seconds that it was said men had these thoughts pass through their mind, it was the same for me. I thought I was some kind of freak, actually. And my actual drive was way greater than my dh's. He caught up to me at around 35 or so, and he passed me up a couple years later. And he's always, as far as I know, noticed and appreciated beautiful women, but didn't "go there" even when he was hit on. (And I've known when he was around females who were attracted to him, and he knew that I knew. :glare:)

 

I didn't go out and act on the thoughts in some random sowing of oats, but the thoughts were there. Now (since about 38 years or so) it's more of a slow burn, simmering in the background and needs more effort to fire up to a boil or a distinct (lustful) thought which, as abbeyej says, I have the choice whether or not to entertain.

 

I guess I pretty much feel like I am in the minority in this regard, because most times when posts like this come up, there's a whole lot of angst over lust and random desire. I just feel like it's something to control -- pretty much like one controls appetites for food, alcohol, materialism, etc -- and that grownup people just know it's there as part of the fabric of life and either deal with it or at least attempt to.

 

I also, as a disclaimer, consider sexuality to be private and hate how our society glorifies adultery, somewhat intentionally it seems sexualizes young girls, idealizes a very young, almost prepubescent ideal of beauty, and so forth. The movie Walk the Line is a perfect example. I thought the movie -- the craft of the movie -- was amazing. Reese was outstanding. But the story? Not remotely great. Horrifying in a subtle way. An early version Sandi Patti/Vince Gill. Soul mates that found each other and didn't care who was left in pieces in their wake.

 

I'm not remotely innocent, and I live in a very fragile glass house. I throw NO stones. But that a man looks at another woman with a passing idea of desire is how he was evolved/was designed/was designed to evolve. And there are more pressing things in our society to worry about and stop tacitly celebrating than whether or not a person's plumbing and endocrine system is working fine and dandy, IMO.

[Tami]

I disagree with the statement that our thought life does not matter as long as we don't actually "do the deed." The mind and body are made for the Lord, not for impurity, and so I endeavor to please the Lord in every respect. Adultery starts in the mind. Everyone who is a Christian struggles with lust, in some form.

 

I base this on how I understand the general message of the Scripture, but here are a few texts:

 

Exodus 20:17

 

17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.â€

 

 

Job 31:9-12

 

9 “If my heart has been enticed by a woman,

Or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door,

 

10 Then let my wife grind for another,

And let others bow down over her.

 

11 For that would be wickedness;

Yes, it would be iniquity deserving of judgment.

 

12 For that would be a fire that consumes to destruction,

And would root out all my increase.

 

 

Matthew 5 (Beatitudes)

 

8 Blessed are the pure in heart,

For they shall see God.

 

 

Matthew 5

 

27 “You have heard that it was said to those of old,[c] ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[d] 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

 

May I comment that I think it is inappropriate for a man to share what he shared with a single (or married) female? It's a guy thing, and it should stay a guy thing! I wouldn't "go there" with a dude, as far as conversation.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

He's a friend. A good friend, single, someone who's been wonderful to me since my marriage broke up. I'm not sure if there's any sort of romantic interest on his part. Heck, if I can't tell if lust is normal in straight men, I sure can't tell if they "like" me. LOL The context of the conversation was regarding I John where it says those who say they know Christ yet practice sin are liars. So, he said he struggles with lust and is that "practicing" sin? The conversation was really more focused on what "practicing sin" meant over lust specifically. It wasn't like he approached me and said, "Hey baby, I'm a lustin' fool!"

 

So, anyway, I was taken aback a little when he said that was a sin he struggled with and maybe it shouldn't have surprised me at all. It's been years since I was close to a man who wasn't my EX, so I feel like I've landed on some other planet. I guess I'm trying to figure out what's normal or not and what should bother me or not. I think my ex really messed my head up a LOT. :(

 

I struggle to do right every single day of my life. Unkind words, a hateful heart, an unforgiving spirit, dishonoring of parents, a lying tongue -- those are things I struggle with. When I was a Christian, I saw those things equally as forbidden as acting on lust outside the context of my relationship with my husband and our marriage contract with one another. Even though not one of those things listed involved having an erection, they were still, in my mind, things to avoid, and things I felt that Christian scripture spoke against just as strongly as sexual "sin."

 

Don't you struggle every day, as well? Don't we all? Not with the same things, of course, but don't we?

 

(And I apologize in advance for answering here, because it's possibly an answer from one inside your faith and practice whose advice you want. But you have to be nice to me for two more hours until I get my PC order in. Right? Right?? :hat:)

[Tess in the Burbs]

I personally think many men have lust issues. how they respond to those feelings is key IMHO!!

 

My dh's actions in our early marriage have been hurtful but he finally made a turn and is very open with me about his feelings and we are able to work through things now.

 

how to help your friend I don't know...assuming he has faith in Christ I think he could research scriptures and meditate on those daily to find a place that he can go when he needs to get away from the lustful feelings.

[abbeyej]

I disagree with the statement that our thought life does not matter as long as we don't actually "do the deed.".

 

I would hope no one actually intended to say that thoughts "don't matter". I certainly didn't intend to imply that. I think thoughts *do* matter. But I also don't feel guilt for thinking about sex or finding men (real or fictional!) attractive... I just think there's a huge gulf between having a sexual thought or urge and, as I said before, "entertaining" those thoughts. ... In truth, I think that there are times when lustful thought and obsession can be far more damaging (to the one having those thoughts and also to ones around that person) than an actual "deed" might be in another person's life. (I'm not saying a sexual dalliance is ever okay -- but in terms of damage to life and spirit, it isn't clear cut that thought is lesser than deeds, etc.)

[Tami]

So now you know that if he ever asks you on a date, you will need a CHAPERON! :auto::Angel_anim:

[Doran]

I'm not sure I'd agree that his remarks were inappropriate. Clearly he has genuine concern for you, since you say he has been so helpful. Is there something so absurd about the idea that he might be thinking about more than friendship at this point? After all, you are both single. Not trying to muddy the waters here. I'm just sayin'....

 

Doran

[Tami]

not supposed to come under yours, but under OP. It was in response to the many posts that state that "as long as he comes home to me" I don't care what he thinks and lusts about. Did you read the whole thread?

 

It's not really that complex. Lust is clearly not condoned in Scripture in any form. In fact, lust brought about the Fall, if my reading of Scripture is correct We used to call it s*n, did we not. :) That's all I'm sayin'. We can make excuses for it, but all I have to ask myself is "Is this according to Christ?" "Does it please Him?" If not, it's gotta GO!

 

Perhaps temptation and lust should be should be contrasted and defined, but that is not what the OP was asking, so....

[abbeyej]

this post was not supposed to come under yours, but under OP...

 

Oh, I know. I was actually agreeing with you in a way! :) I was saying that I *hoped* that wasn't really what the others intended... That yes, it does matter to me what my husband thinks as well as what he does. (Maybe you and I would differ in that it wouldn't bother me for him to find someone else momentarily attractive or if some other curve causes him a sexual thought, as long as those thoughts aren't entertained as fantasy and desire for someone other than me, his wife.)

 

 

Perhaps temptation and lust should be should be contrasted and defined, but that is not what the OP was asking, so....

 

Yes, absolutely. That may be where some parts of the conversation in this thread are breaking down.

[Laura in VA]

I disagree with the statement that our thought life does not matter as long as we don't actually "do the deed." The mind and body are made for the Lord, not for impurity, and so I endeavor to please the Lord in every respect. Adultery starts in the mind. Everyone who is a Christian struggles with lust, in some form.

 

I base this on how I understand the general message of the Scripture, but here are a few texts:

 

Exodus 20:17

 

17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.â€

 

 

Job 31:9-12

 

9 “If my heart has been enticed by a woman,

Or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door,

 

10 Then let my wife grind for another,

And let others bow down over her.

 

11 For that would be wickedness;

Yes, it would be iniquity deserving of judgment.

 

12 For that would be a fire that consumes to destruction,

And would root out all my increase.

 

 

Matthew 5 (Beatitudes)

 

8 Blessed are the pure in heart,

For they shall see God.

 

 

Matthew 5

 

27 “You have heard that it was said to those of old,[c] ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[d] 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

 

May I comment that I think it is inappropriate for a man to share what he shared with a single (or married) female? It's a guy thing, and it should stay a guy thing! I wouldn't "go there" with a dude, as far as conversation.

 

Thank you for saying this!

[Plaid Dad]

It was in response to the many posts that state that "as long as he comes home to me" I don't care what he thinks and lusts about. [...]Lust is clearly not condoned in Scripture in any form.

 

This is why I felt it was important to point out that people coming from different worldviews will have different understandings of what constitutes "lust" and what are acceptable ways to handle it. I am totally on board with what you are saying, but I have seen discussions here that have shown me that even some professed Christians don't consider visual stimuli (ranging from revealing clothing to p*rn) or, er, self-directed attention (how's that for a euphemism? :blush:) to be a big deal. So it doesn't surprise me that some posters may draw the line in a different place from where you and I would.

 

I wouldn't want my wife to be okay with my fantasizing about another woman. But other people see things differently, I've learned.

[cin]

For Women Only, by Shaunti Fels (Felts?) is a REALLY good book and an eye opener in regards to this topic. I HIGHLY recommend it for all women and teen age girls.

[Tami]

Yes, I agree with you. I felt my comment are appropriate, since the OP and I are both Christians. At any rate, my musings are hopefully as valid as anyone else's, secular or religious, thought not as well articulated. :willy_nilly:

 

Excuses for lust are so prevalent in our society, but society's norms are not my measure. Call me kooky!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

...society's norms are not my measure. Call me kooky!

 

Call me kooky, too. To a different extent, to be sure, but I heartily agree with that sentiment.

 

(Just don't call me late for lunch.)

[Tami]

You crack me up. I have not heard that term in a good long time! :rofl:

[Hebrews3:13]

This thread is way interesting, but so many varying opinions.

 

I agree with Plaid Dad on that, Christians and even amongst Christians are such big swings on view here.

 

Yes, VERY normal. Many men (I would venture to say most) have little or no mastery of themselves in this area and while may not sleep with another woman- they are in their minds. :001_rolleyes: Some would call this normal and OK- not to me or Dh and I am positive Christ would disagree.

 

I guess I am not sure how intimate your relationship is and by that I mean, how close you are.

 

I personally feel that was an inappropriate comment to make in front of a woman who is a friend. It seems forward and assuming and then begs to know what you are supposed to do with that information?

 

"Oh great, thanks for sharing!"

 

Get him the book "Every Man's Battle" and advise him to find another male friend he can trust and talk to about this in more detail. Since he is a Christian, maybe an accountability partner, that is if this is something he wants to deal with.

 

~Laurie

[Kelli in TN]

Yes, I agree with you. I felt my comment are appropriate, since the OP and I are both Christians. At any rate, my musings are hopefully as valid as anyone else's, secular or religious, thought not as well articulated. :willy_nilly:

 

Excuses for lust are so prevalent in our society, but society's norms are not my measure. Call me kooky!

 

 

Your musings are incredibly well articulated and I will be glad when my rep slinging time out is over.

[OnTheBrink]

I'm not sure I'd agree that his remarks were inappropriate. Clearly he has genuine concern for you, since you say he has been so helpful. Is there something so absurd about the idea that he might be thinking about more than friendship at this point? After all, you are both single. Not trying to muddy the waters here. I'm just sayin'....

 

Doran

 

I don't know! I guess he could be. It's confusing. I mean, other people tell me (and by other people, I mean one woman who dated him 25 years ago and is now married with college age kids, and one other who is rather cynical by nature) that he'll never marry, he's too picky, that sort of thing. Yet, when I had car trouble, he came in the middle of the day and helped me. If I need something from Sam's Club, he'll pick it up for me. At first, I thought he was just a very nice man, helping out the single mom, but my best friend all but konked me on the head and called me dense. Yet, he's never asked me out or anything like that. So, I don't know. I do know that I feel comfortable with him, not threatened in any way. He saw all the angst I went through with EX, so I just figured he was being a friend to me. Time will tell, I guess. I'm not opposed to more than a friendship with him, but I'm not sitting by the phone, either. And, if he asks me out, I'll be sure to have my 20 year old hulk of a son accompany us. LOL

 

I deeply appreciate everyone's responses and I now have a list of books to check out on the topic.

[Doran]

....And, if he asks me out, I'll be sure to have my 20 year old hulk of a son accompany us. LOL

 

I know you're kidding here. Right? You ARE kidding?! Being accompanied by your 20 year old son would be weird. But, he could always be dining (movieing, putt-putting, whatever!) in the same location, accidentally of course.

 

:001_huh:

 

Doran

[OnTheBrink]

I know you're kidding here. Right? You ARE kidding?! Being accompanied by your 20 year old son would be weird. But, he could always be dining (movieing, putt-putting, whatever!) in the same location, accidentally of course.

 

:001_huh:

 

Doran

 

Yes, I'm kidding. My son would rather poke his eyes out with needles than accompany his old mother on a date with an even older man. LOL

[Doran]

Yes, I'm kidding. My son would rather poke his eyes out with needles than accompany his old mother on a date with an even older man. LOL

 

 

 

 

 

Doran

[Daisy]

Chiming in late. I think men struggle with lust. I think it is something, with God's help, that they can keep in check. I don't think it is uncommon. I do find your friend's comments to be inappropriate given the mixed company. Personally, I would ignore it. It is not your place to "help" him whether by providing him with reading material or otherwise. Obviously another male was present and that gentleman can help him out if necessary. It wouldn't change my opinion of the friend except to make me suspect that he is rather indiscreet.

[Tami]

. An early version Sandi Patti/Vince Gill. Soul mates that found each other and didn't care who was left in pieces in their wake.

 

Hey not to be picky about adulterers or anything, but isn't it Amy Grant/Vince Gill? Sandi Patty ditched her dh for a different dude, but I don't think it was Vince. :rolleyes:

[Tami]

Yet, when I had car trouble, he came in the middle of the day and helped me. If I need something from Sam's Club, he'll pick it up for me. At first, I thought he was just a very nice man, helping out the single mom, but my best friend all but konked me on the head and called me dense. Yet, he's never asked me out or anything like that.

 

HELLOOOOoooo! He sounds like a respectful Christian man who wishes to have a Godly relationship with you. Perhaps his struggle with lust is the reason he hasn't asked you out?

 

What you are describing is exactly what my dh did back in the day! He was extremely respectful, and I respect him to this day for that. We were just friends and hung out in groups or at other functions. Then, one day he proposed! Boy, was I surprised. We courted for a few months WITH a chaperone, since neither of us is neutered. The wedding night was worth it, hubba hubba! :hurray:

[Kate CA]

Maybe, I'm not sure. There were other people in the conversation (1 man and two other women) and after he said that, another man told my friend he needed a wife! Then the man looked over at me. I didn't know what to do, so I laughed it off like the others in the conversation did.

 

 

 

For what it is worth, I don't think his comments sounded inappropriate given the context. It is not as if he was saying, "Oh, Michelle, I am lusting after you." LOL Perhaps he could have chosen a better sin to discuss, but it sounds very much like a group bible-study kind of conversation.

 

It sounds like he has been a kind person to you - that is a lovely thing.

 

I agree with the other ladies that I do believe most men struggle with this and not a few women too! And I would go so far to say that it must be a much harder struggle for a single man. There *is* no one to go home to. He does not sound all that unusual to me. :)

[Asma_08]

I've discussed this with my dh as well as read Every Man's Battle and another book for women regarding the men in their lives (the title escapes me right now but she's a Christian author). The latter said she had many Christian men admit that to her, I can't remember if it surprised her or not.

 

I just read that book. For women only by Shaunti Feldhahn.