What to tell your child?

[skimomma]

Thanks to everyone who helped me sort this out. I have deleted for privacy. Thanks!!!!

[MomatHWTK]

I might consider being honest and clear with the parents and telling them that their DD may come to your house to play but not the reverse. Then it will be up to them to set boundaries for their child. They can let her know that if she wants to play with DD it is only at your house and to not ask for your DD to come to hers. The parents should have to handle the situation if it is of their creation.

[happi duck]

I agree with previous poster to be honest with the parents.

 

Also I think you can be honest with your dd without details. "Friend can play here but you can't play there." If she asks why "There's a reason but it's not appropriate to share. Please just trust me."

[skimomma]

I might consider being honest and clear with the parents and telling them that their DD may come to your house to play but not the reverse. Then it will be up to them to set boundaries for their child. They can let her know that if she wants to play with DD it is only at your house and to not ask for your DD to come to hers. The parents should have to handle the situation if it is of their creation.

 

I probably should have mentioned that we know of other families that have put an end the their kids being involved with this family and any attempt to communicate with the parents went very very poorly. I am not opposed to approaching them anyway, but the result will likely be the same in that we will have to explain to our dd what is going on....on some level anyway.

[skimomma]

 

 

Also I think you can be honest with your dd without details. "Friend can play here but you can't play there." If she asks why "There's a reason but it's not appropriate to share. Please just trust me."

 

This was my first inclination. I just wasn't sure if it was a good idea to do the "just trust me" part when being asked why. I don't want to make it some big mystery that dd will be hell-bent on finding more about, potentially spreading even more rumors amongst the kids.

[Murphy101]

I think at 9 she is old enough to be told, "Friend's parents are not appropriate bc we don't feel you are safe with them."

 

I'm presuming that's the concern and if it is, I would not beat about the bush on it. I would want to be very clear about bc I would not want there to be an opportunity for her to run into their house or whatever and think it okay. Or to be approached away from home.

 

I would not leave it at some version of "bc I said so" bc kids that age don't tend to remember it as vitally important when it's just a bc I said so thing.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

if the girl is nice, and well behaved, I would allow her to come over and play. it must be very hard for her to have such parents. if the parents protest anything about wanting your dd to come over - just stand your ground, a firm stare and restate the girl is welcome to come to your house, but your dd is not to go to their house. if they don't accept that answer, it can be followed up with "you should know why" and a very hard and unforgiving stare.

 

You can tell your dd something along the lines of there are big people concerns about her parents, and you can't trust that she will be safe so they are welcome to play at your house.

[zoobie]

"I don't trust/feel comfortable with her parents. You may only play with her in our yard."

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Simple honestly with your own child. She needs to know a clear reason or she may think it's safe and just run on in someday. If the other girl is nice, I'd let her come over to our place to play.

[Ottakee]

We have lots of that around here---or did a few years ago. We had many pre-teen and teen boys that would come over to hang out with our ds and dh.

 

Rule #1--they could NOT come over unless dh was home and able to interact with them----we had younger girls to make sure were safe

 

Rule#2---ds did NOT go to their house

 

Rule#3---for many of them they didnt' come in our house

 

That was just the way it was. Dh had a great ministry to these kids and now that they are young adults some of them still call him, stop over, etc.....................but several of them are in jail or prison or have been there........including 1 for murder that was at our house the night before.

[Tita Gidge]

My only daughter is seven, and she wouldn't recognize danger if it tapped her on the shoulder and handed her a business card. So my answer is coming from the POV of parenting that type of child. Your daughter is older, and maybe less naive.

 

I'd emphasize the "my gut is telling me" side. I'd be very matter-of-fact in telling her that from day one my spidey senses went off and I'm not able (or willing, if that's the case) to explain it any further than that. My gut is warning me, my guardian angel is telling me, Survey Says, ... however you want to word it, it'd be important to me that I convey the trust I have in my instincts. (Which, in your case, have proven to be accurate.) This could lay important groundwork for the future - not just as it pertains to this family should she learn what you know, but also as she develops trust in her own instinct - and yours.

 

I want to echo another poster's sentiment that your daughter may feel you're just being mean ... or her friend's family is misunderstood ... or any other host of justification ... in which case she might not share your understanding of just how important it is that she stay away from the girl's house. By mentioning your gut feelings, she's still young enough that maybe it'll be enough to stop her from shrugging off your concerns - and hopefully more stringently accept and follow them.

 

What a yucky situation for you! And especially with them being neighbors, ... it's hard enough avoiding icky parents from school or extracurriculars, but when they're living right across the street .... oh boy.

[Seasider]

I appreciate Tita's reply. It will give you the opportunity to encourage her to pay attention to her own gut reactions whenever she gets them. She may not be feeling them about her friend's dad, but some day she will get that feeling about something, and it would be nice to have had you prevalidate that intuition.

 

I think I would continue to allow the friend over, and make sure she feels welcome. Next time she asks dd over to her place, sit down with both the girls and just be straight with them (sweet, but straight). "Friend, dd's father and I have decided on some rules for your time together. DD cannot play at your house. But you are welcome here."

 

When you get the chorus of whys, just continue to repeat, this is what dad and I have decided, this is the way it's going to be. Now how 'bout a cupcake?

 

Any time it comes up, "Sorry, girls, you know the rules." Your declaration may get back to the parents, but I guess they won't be surprised and will hopefully appreciate your continued kindness to their daughter.

 

 

[El...]

I would not want to inspire fear in a child, but I would also want to be certain that my kid had a sense of the seriousness of the rules I set. If the parents were nice to her, and the daughter was nice to her, I could see a child eventually making an exception "just for a minute" or for what she thought was a good reason. I'm not sure how I'd phrase it, though.

[bolt.]

I'd go with "There are some people I trust, and some people I don't trust. That's my decision and I don't need to have a reason. I just get to decide. I only let you go to houses/yards of adults I trust -- not these ones."

[Joanne]

At 9, I would tell her the truth, the whole truth.

 

I would also be teaching her about the heebie jeebie feeking and to honor it each and every time.

[misty.warden]

Ay 9, I would tell her the truth, the whole truth.

 

I would also be teaching her about the heebie jeebie feeking and to honor it each and every time.

 

Preface to say I am very much a "put my foot down, give no mind to whether my views are popular, Mom's word is the final word except for revelation from God" parent in almost all respects.

 

Having said that, I agree with Joanne, from personal experience. I was in a similar situation as your dd and was not told the whole truth until many years later. As a result, I spent many of those years dwelling on the unfairness/mistrust i wrongly assumed my guardian had in me and was oblivious to the danger I could have been in had I had the wherewithal to disobey, even if it was "just for a minute." I was hurt that she hid the truth and did not give me information I might have needed to protect myself. Kids draw their own conclusions from what data they actually have and induct the rest from their very limited experience.

 

Preserving innocence in a noble goal, but many kids have no reference for the horrible things the world is capable of and the misunderstandings such an arrangement can cause can damage your dd's trust that your rules are made for legitimate reason.

[mom@shiloh]

I see misty.warden's point here, but I think that I might wait a year or two before explaining fully. I don't think my 9 yo would deal with the whole truth very well at her age, although I'm sure some 9 yos would be ok with it. If you don't think your dd would do well with total info at this point you could just stick with the "don't feel comfortable" answer and explain that you will explain more fully at a later date. I DO think a full explanation is a good idea at some point.

[G5052]

Most 9 y.o. are going to focus on the unfairness. So yes, I'd tell the truth, not the details if they are hard to take, but the truth. When I was growing up adults pushed all of that under the table, and I don't think it served us well.

 

Some years ago mine wanted to play at a neighbor's house where I knew that the father was an alcoholic. His norm was to come home and yell at everyone while he drank himself under the table, even on his days off. The wife was fine having neighbors and children over while this was going on.

 

And I decided not to have mine play at that house, inside or outside. I didn't want to get into having to ask if he was home or would be home. And I told mine exactly why, and they switched their feelings over from being angry at the loss of play time.

[freerange]

Ay 9, I would tell her the truth, the whole truth.

 

I would also be teaching her about the heebie jeebie feeking and to honor it each and every time.

 

:iagree: If she's old enough to go somewhere without you, she's old enough to be told the truth.

[Garga]

We lived in a tough neighborhood when I was the same age as your daughter. My parents didn't realize it was as bad as it was and got us out of there as soon as they could scrape the money together.

 

In the meanwhile, they told me flat out not to go into certain people's houses because they did not trust them. I could play with the kids in the yard, but never the houses.

 

I understood and listened to my parents.

 

Tell your daughter the situation, as much as you can. Kids that age are capable of understanding the basics of a situation like this one.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Ay 9, I would tell her the truth, the whole truth.

 

I would also be teaching her about the heebie jeebie feeking and to honor it each and every time.

 

 

I agree with teaching her to trust her instincts.

[Alessandra]

Op indicated that the issue was not one that a nine year old needed to hear about. I believe that issues should be discussed in terms that works fir the particular child. It could be saying that the neighbor touched, hurt, photographed, made drugs that could explode.... I think it's important that your dd have an idea of the seriousness of the issue, so that she won't be tempted to go into the house for any kind of (perceived) emergency.

 

As for gut feelings, I wanted to add that in one of Gavin de Becker's books, he describes how gut reactions are not based on amorphous feelings, but are usually the result of a host of tiny, rational observations that we often don't recognize at the time. So, yes, I would trust those 'feelings.'

 

At 9, I would tell her the truth, the whole truth.

 

I would also be teaching her about the heebie jeebie feeking and to honor it each and every time.

 

[Joanne]

Op indicated that the issue was not one that a nine year old needed to hear about. I believe that issues should be discussed in terms that works fir the particular child. It could be saying that the neighbor touched, hurt, photographed, made drugs that could explode.... I think it's important that your dd have an idea of the seriousness of the issue, so that she won't be tempted to go into the house for any kind of (perceived) emergency.

 

As for gut feelings, I wanted to add that in one of Gavin de Becker's books, he describes how gut reactions are not based on amorphous feelings, but are usually the result of a host of tiny, rational observations that we often don't recognize at the time. So, yes, I would trust those 'feelings.'

 

 

 

I am not quite sure I understand your post re: the first sentence followed up by the rest.

 

I believe that children, and therefore this 9 year old, need to be trained on the gut feel and the reasons that gut feel develop in situations.

 

In THIS case, as presented, I think the 9 year old needs to know about Mom's original concern and the substantiating details that followed. To NOT tell her is to disempower her.

[Blessed Mommy]

We have a very similar situation between my 9 and 7 year old daughters and our next door neighbors' 8 yr old daughter. I explained to my daughters that there are certain times when they just need to trust mom and dad's judgment and know that we love and care for them and want to protect them, without an explanation of why. We felt like the issues with the parents were too "mature" for our kids to handle. So, we explained to them that their friend can play here, inside or outside, but they were not allowed to go to her house. When their friend asks if they can come over, I either tell the friend myself that they have to play at home, or my girls tell her that we said "no." It has never been an issue with the parents. They always allow their daughter to come here, and have never questioned why ours are not allowed to come to their house. If it ever comes up, my husband has stated that he will deal with the parents directly and tell them the straight-up truth. I understand your frustration with the whole situation, because you feel sorry for the friend. But, you're correct when you say that your first priority has to be your daughter!

[Scarlett]

At 9, I would tell her the truth, the whole truth.

 

I would also be teaching her about the heebie jeebie feeking and to honor it each and every time.

 

I would tell her the truth too. By 9 I was telling my ds hard truths. I do not regret it.

[Wabi Sabi]

I would tell her the truth.

 

My kids are younger, but they know that they are not to go anywhere near a property down the street from us and are to come inside instantly if the man who lives there ever comes to our yard. We explicitly told them that he has been in jail before for hurting children very badly. That was enough for my youngest, but when my oldest asked more questions we were honest in telling him that the man had molested children and we had a very good talk about what that meant, staying safe, etc.

[Kathryn]

I would continue to allow the girls to play, and I would tell DD why she was not allowed at the other girl's house. Not telling her why invites mistrust of your motives and the possibility that, in thinking you are being unfair or mean, she puts herself in a dangerous position. I don't think you should punish the girl for something that her father has done, especially considering how you said other people are treating the family.

 

Our neighbors have two boys that our boys love to play with. There is also a history of extreme violence in their home. We do not allow the boys to play inside. They are strictly outdoor friends. We explained our reasons to ODS and he knows that we are looking out for his safety in not letting our children enter their house.

[MFA323]

I think that you can let her know the basic reason without going into details. "X's dad is not safe for you to be around. We know this because we can read about it on a website published by the police (or newspaper archives or whatever). It is not okay for you to talk about this with X. It would make her feel uncomfortable and sad. This does not mean that X is a bad person or unsafe, but it means that you should never, under any circumstances, even in an emergency, go onto their property or near X's dad." If she presses for more information, give her as much as you think would be helpful. Beyond that, just say that it's a grown-up issue that you will talk about when she's older.

[skimomma]

You all have given me a lot to think about. The more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards giving dd more details, both about my own gut feelings and the actual issues. It could be disturbing but probably necessary and I can keep the detail level down enough to get the point across but not be too graphic. My initial resistance to filling dd in also includes concerns about discretion with other children, including the girl involved. I don't know how much their kids know about the situation, but it is quite public now so I imagine the older ones have to know at least a little bit. I will ask dd to not talk about it and I think I can trust her not to, but it was still a factor.

 

I also appreciated the comment posted about her being old enough to be going places on her own, she really needs to be old enough to know these things. That is a very good point. I think we need to start having a lot more discussions about handling various situations. We live in a lower income area that unfortunately has a great deal of turnover and lots of rentals, so we don't know many of our neighbors or their history/issues/etc..... We have talked a lot about traffic safety, dog safety, and general stranger avoidance, but I guess it is time to discuss the many other possibilities.

[stripe]

I would couple the restrictions with more ways she could play with the girl in your yard or wherever you deem safe. This way she does not feel you are taking her friend away from her.

[Alessandra]

Op indicated that the issue was not one that a nine year old needed to hear about. I believe that issues should be discussed in terms that works fir the particular child. It could be saying that the neighbor touched, hurt, photographed, made drugs that could explode.... I think it's important that your dd have an idea of the seriousness of the issue, so that she won't be tempted to go into the house for any kind of (perceived) emergency.

 

As for gut feelings, I wanted to add that in one of Gavin de Becker's books, he describes how gut reactions are not based on amorphous feelings, but are usually the result of a host of tiny, rational observations that we often don't recognize at the time. So, yes, I would trust those 'feelings.'

I am not quite sure I understand your post re: the first sentence followed up by the rest.

 

The first sentence is a paraphrase of what op said, as she did not want to be quoted. My point was that, even though op did not want to have her dd hear about the situation, it was nevertheless important that her dd did get enough info to understand. But the info could be presented in a way that would be appropriate for that child -- that is, you might choose not to include the most disturbing details of, say, a murder.

 

I believe that children, and therefore this 9 year old, need to be trained on the gut feel and the reasons that gut feel develop in situations.

 

My reference was to an author who runs a private security firm and writes about how to protect oneself. He emphasizes that gut feelings are often extremely accurate assessments. I have read some of his books, and they made a big impression on me -- they helped me see where gut feelings come from and why they should be trusted.

 

In THIS case, as presented, I think the 9 year old needs to know about Mom's original concern and the substantiating details that followed. To NOT tell her is to disempower her.

 

FWIW, I was agreeing with you and many others who have posted. Sorry if it was ambiguous

 

Adding a link to the book, The Gift of Fear. The Amazon 'search inside' lets you look at some of the stories where people were saved by gut feelings. Getting a bit off the subject here.... but I love this book.

 

http://www.amazon.co...words=de becker

[skimomma]

Thanks to everyone who participated. You have helped greatly! I am going to delete the OP for privacy.