Is it possible to change your nature to become a more organized/controlled person?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Granted, I'm sure it's more nurture than nature, but the bottom line is that we are as we are at this point, however we got here.

 

I always envision myself as someday evolving into this organized, detail-oriented, prepared, tidy-minded person. I'm certain that if I just had more self-control/willpower, I could make my life and my family's life so much better. I could be on time instead forever running late, wake at an early hour and accomplish all the things I need (and want) to do in the mornings, our lessons would go more smoothly, I wouldn't procrastinate, my house wouldn't be such a mess, I'd remember to pay that ticket I got and wouldn't have to pay an extra $30, waste yet another tray of chicken because it sat for too long, and so on. I'm always thinking that starting tomorrow, Monday, September 1st, New Year's Day, I'm going to make a sweeping positive change and change things around here. Yet...here I am still, and time's passing, IYKWIM!

 

So do you think it's possible to make yourself over to live your life more neatly and successfully? Have you done so? If you have, how did you do it? Have you reached deep and developed more self-control in your life in general? That's a gift I would really love to give my children--the ability to feel like they're actually in charge of their life, rather than the other way around.

 

:bigear:

[Rebecca VA]

I have learned a number of "tricks" from my husband, who is really gifted at organizing, packing, and planning. Just watching him operate has been an education for me. I have definitely become more organized from following his example. So yes, it's possible to learn to act in that manner -- it's an issue of faking it till you make it.

[coffeegal]

Yes, I think it's possible. I started by managing one thing at time. Fly Lady is good inspiration, if a bit overwhelming. But she says that your life didn't get into a mess in one day and it won't be fixed in one day either, so quit trying. I am certainly not perfect and we are still late sometimes, but I am better than I used to be and aspire to improve.

 

:iagree: I try to improve day by day and year by year. It's inspiring to look back 10 years and realize how much better I'm doing despite the increased pressure. :001_smile:

[Dory]

Yes I do. I don't have an organized, routine type of bone in my entire body. I married a man who is extremely that way though and gave birth to one little boy who is also that way. I will NEVER be a really organized person, but over time, with SMALL changes here and there (it's been 10 years so far), I have managed to finally keep myself on a routine, and slowly organized the things around me better. Through trial and error I have found systems that almost work for me and then tweaked them a little to suit my need to be flexible. I even organize my meals with two easy suppers during the week so that if I feel like moving it around or taking a day off, I can. I like to feel like I can be flexible and change when I want to still.

[kalanamak]

Start building habits. Going to bed with a clean kitchen and an empty "in" box is a great plan. I try to get the dishwasher going, the counters cleared and the floor swept by 9, and then sit down and pay any bills/complete any correspondence immediately afterwards. Then I relax.

 

I have a "clarion call" Saturday morning where I try to work like a fiend for the morning....at whatever needs to be done.

 

If you need to declutter, I encourage you to do that along with your first baby-step good habit. Try to get hubby and kids into the declutter act. (And the good habit.)

[Sun]

Yes! It can definitely be done, but it's a process, not an overnight change. I think it often works best to figure out one or two areas that you want to target for change first. Then figure out how you can be more organized and in control for those areas. Posting here will elicit a lot of great advice for specific problem areas.

[jenn&charles]

Granted, I'm sure it's more nurture than nature, but the bottom line is that we are as we are at this point, however we got here.

 

I always envision myself as someday evolving into this organized, detail-oriented, prepared, tidy-minded person. I'm certain that if I just had more self-control/willpower, I could make my life and my family's life so much better. I could be on time instead forever running late, wake at an early hour and accomplish all the things I need (and want) to do in the mornings, our lessons would go more smoothly, I wouldn't procrastinate, my house wouldn't be such a mess, I'd remember to pay that ticket I got and wouldn't have to pay an extra $30, waste yet another tray of chicken because it sat for too long, and so on. I'm always thinking that starting tomorrow, Monday, September 1st, New Year's Day, I'm going to make a sweeping positive change and change things around here. Yet...here I am still, and time's passing, IYKWIM!

 

So do you think it's possible to make yourself over to live your life more neatly and successfully? Have you done so? If you have, how did you do it? Have you reached deep and developed more self-control in your life in general? That's a gift I would really love to give my children--the ability to feel like they're actually in charge of their life, rather than the other way around.

 

:bigear:

 

Yes, you can. I am a very organized and tidy person now, but I wasn't 12 years ago. It was a process of change where I had to build a lot of new habits. You have to take it all in steps and work on one major area at a time.

 

My husband is also very organized and his good habits and example rubbed off on me a lot. :)

 

Anyway, it can be done. I've done it and I'm much happier the way I am now vs. what I was like when I was younger. My environment is peaceful & clean and I get things done that need to be done.

 

You have to build that part of you up though...just like anything, it takes practice and sticking to things to build new habits.

 

Don't think it will all be a super sweeping change though. Change rarely happens like that. Usually change comes about with a lot of sweat and hard work and often with little steps that will eventually add up to big strides. You have to change how you THINK and perceive things. You have to change what you are comfortable with and uncomfortable with. It used to be that a sink of dirty dishes didn't bother me at all. Now I can't stand it. In the end I found that it's really a lot LESS work to just do little things all through the day. You don't end up overwhelmed with tons of work to do.

 

It also includes really looking at yourself and accepting that some areas are flawed (if that's indeed how you see them) and deciding who you want to be and how you want to live your life.

[IsabelC]

I'm always thinking that starting tomorrow, Monday, September 1st, New Year's Day, I'm going to make a sweeping positive change and change things around here.

 

:grouphug: I know how you feel, it's the same with me.

 

I agree with the PPs that for most of us, it just isn't feasible to make major, ongoing changes all at once unless we have a big push to do so (eg a big health scare to push us into changing diet and exercise habits), and sometimes not even then. I think the key is to have realistic goals and to make changes incrementally: it doesn't matter how small a step you take, as long as it's a step in the direction you want to go.

[happypamama]

Little steps. Small routines at first. Like, focus on one part of your day at a time. Write down all the things you need to do during that part of the day, and follow the list until it's routine for you. Then work on another part of the day.

 

I set up Google Calendar to send me notes about everything -- doctor's appointments, renew library books, give cats flea treatment, etc.

 

Everything needs a place. If it doesn't have one, find one. If you can't fine one, you don't need that thing so much -- get rid of it.

 

I make tons of lists. I also pretty much double the time I expect something to take, and I still build in buffers. If I don't, I'm late. If I have to get out of the house in the morning, I do as much as possible the night before, and I make lists about what needs to be done in the morning.

 

I use my freezer heavily. Fresh meat is nice, but I'd rather use something that's been frozen than not use it at all. If I'm not planning to use meat in the next couple of days, it goes in the freezer.

 

Make yourself do the dishes, fold the laundry, tidy the house, set up the schoolwork the night before. When I do that, no matter how tired I am, the whole next day goes more smoothly. When I don't, I am playing catch-up, and that's no good.

 

I keep large magnetic clips on my fridge for things I need to take care of -- coupons, bills to pay (better yet, I use online banking), things I need to reply to, etc. That helps them not get lost and forgotten. I try to check on that sort of thing once a week, but I also will put things like "pay tax bill" on my to-do list for the day/week, so it won't get skipped.

 

And be gentle with yourself. If you're a night owl (like I am), I have found that it is super super super hard to change to being a morning person. I can be exhausted all day and then be wide awake in the evening, even without caffeine. It's really difficult to change that.

[meggie]

Yes, I think you can. I think you are where you are as a result of a lifetime of habit. And the problem is that you keep thinking that if you were a better person/organizer/whatever that you could get this down. You CAN get this down, you just have to start replacing your bad habits with good ones.

 

Dh is so good at this. He gets home and his car keys and wallet ALWAYS go in one spot. He takes a shower and his towel ALWAYS goes back on the rod. He makes dinner and ALWAYS puts the trash in the can as he goes (I'm more of a whirlwind)

 

The reason you can't do this all at once is because you can't remember all the new habits at once. I would start by focusing on one or two. Sometimes when you focus on something new, previous things you were doing well start to fall. Try to envision someone juggling. It takes a person quite a bit of practice to learn how to juggle three things. When they try to juggle four or five, they're going to start dropping balls. It will happen to you, just pick them up and try again. Believe me, I watched my brother practice juggling when we were younger and I watched him practice new fancy tricks. I watched him fail and try again. Now the kid is juggling fire batons. You are trying to pick up the fire batons and on September 1, you're going to juggle fire. Do you see how silly that would be? Habits, one new one at a time.

 

I'm so not perfect and my bedroom is starting to get that Hoarders feel to it (not the grossness, but the cluttered feel). But dinners are being made, bills are paid on time, trash is taken out, dishes are washed, laundry is sometimes folded and put away. I am so much better than when I first got married. :grouphug: to you

[Katy]

I've somewhat done the opposite; gone from type-A to relaxed.

 

You have to change your standard for yourself- you're not going to leave early despite it being painful; you're going to leave early because you are the type of person who is always early because you are extremely respectful of other people's time.

 

You're not going to stop procrastinating tomorrow; you're going to do it right now because you are not the kind of person who puts off to tomorrow what you could do today.

 

The most important part is changing your standards for yourself; the habit is secondary. Everything you do that's a matter of habit can be changed, you just have to practice the habit perfectly, daily, for 6 weeks.

 

I don't know how many habits you are capable of changing at once; but I would aim for no more than three or you're going to find it so difficult you'll give up. One habit only might be a good goal for the first 6 weeks or so.

[Lily_Grace]

Yes, and I've done it.

 

I grew up in a house that was borderline Hoarders. I never learned or cared about being organized or tidy - except with my books.

 

Fast forward 5 years after moving out and I knew I had to get a grip on it somehow. I had tried cute little boxes, matching desk organizers, pre-made schedules, planners...nothing worked. I actually had to sit down and figure out what my problem was before I could move forward. And I had a lot of problems:

-I don't put things away if I have to open and close lids.

-I don't have the attention span to take care of big tasks

-I don't have the will power if it takes too much work.

 

That was my starting point. And I still have those problems, but I work within those limitations:

-I use open storage containers: shelves, bins, baskets.

-I set a timer for big tasks and break them into 15 minute chunks

-I have multiples of items (scissors, cleaning supplies) and keep them wherever I use them most.

-I make lists, and use those for my 15 minute chunks.

 

 

We also downsized quite a bit to make it easier for me. And I found a routine that worked for me, a modified Flylady checklist. Now I feel like I finally have a grip on things enough to have shaken off the feeling I always had as a kid, like our house was the worst on the block.

[lailasmum]

I think some people can. I am pretty untidy and detest routine but quite mentally organised, I tend not to forget appointments. I have realised recently that accepting my hatred of routine is good, rather than trying to fight it. I just do what needs to be done rather than trying to go through a set list or do what someone else says needs to be done. I also have accepted that my house will never be perfect and actually it is more organised and cleaner because of it.

[beachrose]

bit by bit I've changed It's been a hard fought battle but it's worth!

[Alte Veste Academy]

I always envision myself as someday evolving into this organized, detail-oriented, prepared, tidy-minded person. I'm certain that if I just had more self-control/willpower, I could make my life and my family's life so much better. I could be on time instead forever running late, wake at an early hour and accomplish all the things I need (and want) to do in the mornings, our lessons would go more smoothly, I wouldn't procrastinate, my house wouldn't be such a mess, I'd remember to pay that ticket I got and wouldn't have to pay an extra $30, waste yet another tray of chicken because it sat for too long, and so on.

 

For this type of stuff, I recommend Getting Things Done. But because of this...

 

I'm always thinking that starting tomorrow, Monday, September 1st, New Year's Day, I'm going to make a sweeping positive change and change things around here. Yet...here I am still, and time's passing, IYKWIM!

 

So do you think it's possible to make yourself over to live your life more neatly and successfully?

 

...and because I have so been there...and because I think successfully changing is primarily a mindset issue, I highly (highly!) recommend reading Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. The author uses a wonderful analogy to describe the challenges of change; a rider, an elephant, and the path are symbols used to explain challenges and solutions. Some of it is counter-intuitive but makes perfect sense. I can't tell you how many aha moments I had when reading the book.

 

For starters, probably the biggest epiphany for me (a perfectionist) was the paragraph that I bolded below. I kept trying to come up with the perfect plan and follow it (as you described in your OP, starting on ___ day!) when really change would have come faster by just focusing on and accomplishing the next step. It is a slow climb to the ideal. Lowering the bar is exactly what I needed to do but I fought that because I saw it as imperfect.

 

The book seems to be primarily oriented toward change in a business environment but if your mind is open, you can find plenty of inspiration suitable for personal life, homeschooling, family management, etc. Probably the biggest takeaway for me, aside from lowering the bar, was the idea of shaping the path.

 

Here are some of the quotes I took from the book that help me keep sane through my personal effort to change.

 

 

A reluctant elephant and a wheel-spinning rider can both ensure that nothing changes. But when elephants and riders move together, change can come easily.

 

 

Self-control is an exhaustible resource…. So when you hear people say that change is hard because people are lazy or resistant, that’s just flat out wrong. In fact, the opposite is true: Change is hard because people wear themselves out. And that’s the second surprise about change: What looks like laziness is often exhaustion.

 

 

If the rider isn’t sure exactly what direction to go, he tends to lead the Elephant in circles…. What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity.

If you want to change, you must provide crystal-clear direction.

 

 

Our rider has a problem focus when he needs a solution focus. If you are a manager, ask yourself: “What is the ratio of time I spend solving problems to the time I spend scaling successes?â€

 

 

Decision Paralysis: More options, even good ones, can freeze us and make us retreat to the default plan…. Decisions are the rider’s turf, and because they require careful supervision and self-control, they tax the rider’s strength… The more choices the rider is offered, the more exhausted the rider gets.

 

 

 

The status quo feels comfortable and steady because much of the choice has been squeezed out. You have routines, your way of doing things. For most of your day, the rider is on autopilot. But in times of change, autopilot doesn’t work anymore, choices suddenly proliferate, and autopilot habits become unfamiliar decisions. … Ambiguity is exhausting to the rider because the rider is tugging on the reins of the elephant, trying to direct the elephant down a new path. But when the road is uncertain, the elephant will insist on taking the default path, the most familiar path… Why? Because uncertainty makes the elephant anxious. And that’s why decision paralysis can be deadly for change—because the most familiar path is already the status quo. Ambiguity is the enemy. Any successful change requires a translation of ambiguous goals into concrete behaviors. In short, to make a switch, you need to script the critical moves.

 

 

Raising the bar is exactly the wrong instinct if you want to motivate a reluctant elephant. You need to lower the bar. Picture taking a high-jump bar and lowering it so far that it can be stepped over. If you want a reluctant elephant to get moving, you need to shrink the change. “When you improve a little each day, eventually big things occur….†Former UCLA Coach John Wooden [AKA, Slow and steady wins the race.] But let’s not get too rosy-eyed here, though. Any important change is not going to feel like a steady, inevitable march toward victory. It won’t simply be an unbroken string of small wins.

 

 

David Allen, author of Getting Things Done,…echoes the importance of setting goals that are within reach. He says that most people make a fundamental mistake when they create their to-do lists: They dash off lots of items…. In Allen’s judgment, these people are sabotaging the likelihood of action by being too murky. He says it’s critical to ask yourself, “What’s the next action?â€

 

 

 

Identity is going to play a role in nearly every change situation. Even yours. When you think about…change, ask yourself, “Do I aspire to be the kind of person who would make this change?†[i must see myself as successful--as an innovator, as an eclectic homeschooling family manager.]

 

 

Growth mindset students are taught that the brain is like a muscle that can be developed with exercise—that with work, they could get smarter. After all,…â€nobody laughs at babies and says how dumb they are because they can’t talk.†The paradox of the growth mindset: We will struggle, we will fail, we will be knocked down—but throughout, we’ll get better, and we’ll succeed in the end. [Expect trouble and frustration after an initial success. Expect setbacks and know you can plan to overcome them.]

 

 

 

The growth mindset is a buffer against defeatism. It reframes failure as a natural part of the change process. And that’s critical, because people will persevere only if they perceive falling down as learning rather than failing.

 

 

Learning to spot and celebrate approximations requires us to scan the environment constantly, looking for little rays of sunshine, and it isn’t easy. Our riders, by nature, focus on the negative. Problems are easy to spot; progress, much harder. But the progress is precious. Shamu didn’t learn to jump through a hoop because her trainer was b!tching at her. She learned because she had a trainer who was patient and focused and reinforced every step of the journey.

 

 

[Re: approximation] Ask yourself, was there anything about it that’s a component of what I’d like her to do? If the answer is yes, and it almost always is, then jump on that component: It was great that you did X.

 

 

 

…Change isn’t an event; it’s a process. There is no moment when a monkey learns to skateboard; there’s a process. There is no moment when a child learns to walk; there’s a process.

[justLisa]

You have just described ME. Down to the very last word :lol:

[justLisa]

I guess I have just decided to embrace my disorder :tongue_smilie:

 

ETA: except for the late part. Whenever I have to do anything or go anywhere I am like an hour early and I cannot think about anything else the entire day until I go. Which in turn usually causes me to neglect other things.

Edited September 3, 2012 by 425lisamarie

[2squared]

Yes, you can change. It's all based on habits.

 

I know this b/c I had 5 kids in 8.5 years. In order to survive, I had to change. Some days I long for my old self, but my old self would never survive in my current life.

 

:grouphug: Good luck. You can do it!!!

[somo_chickenlady]

I'm kind of a weird duck in this regard. In a work environment I am organized to the point of being massively OCD about it. Everything has a place, and everything must be perfect at all times. I get REALLY stressed out if someone messes things up.

 

In a home environment, though, I'm a complete mess. No matter what I have tried, or how much of my work mindset I try to implement at home, nothing ever works. I wish I could make my home environment as organized as my work one, b/c it stresses me out, but I just can't seem to do it. I've tried for 35 years to do it, but so far no luck. :001_unsure:

[laughing lioness]

Years ago I read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People after dh took a free week-long Covey seminar through the military. I/ we loved it and really took it to heart. I think having a vision is key to getting the things done that you want to get done.

Homescgooling can be a "vague" kind of life- you don't necessarily have a supervisor, no one is checking up on your work, etc. You have to find internal motivation to get the things done you want to accomplish. The first thing is to decide what that is and the second is how you'll know you've accomplished it when it is done.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'm kind of a weird duck in this regard. In a work environment I am organized to the point of being massively OCD about it. Everything has a place, and everything must be perfect at all times. I get REALLY stressed out if someone messes things up.

 

I wish I could make my home environment as organized as my work one, b/c it stresses me out...

 

This is me. I have wondered for years (about 9.5, to be precise :tongue_smilie::lol:) why I am not as organized and together at home as I have always been at school and work. I was all over organization at school and work! For me, I think accountability is the answer. (Embarrassing to admit but accolades are also part of the answer but that problem is harder to solve.) Creating a means of accountability for home has been very helpful.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[Pamela H in Texas]

I highly (highly!) recommend reading Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. The author uses a wonderful analogy to describe the challenges of change; a rider, an elephant, and the path are symbols used to explain challenges and solutions. Some of it is counter-intuitive but makes perfect sense. I can't tell you how many aha moments I had when reading the book.

 

I started reading this book this morning as it was suggested in another thread recently. I definitely think it is going to help me :)

[foxbridgeacademy]

I used to make a list of the lists I needed to make each day. Cleaning, shopping, school, work, errands... whatever. Then I'd make those lists... each item is random (on their own list) so I can prioritize on the fly. I kept the lists on me at all times. You learn to always consult the lists prior to going anywhere or doing anything. It becomes habit, to the point you eventually don't need them at all.

 

I did it that way for about 10 years. Then thinking I was cured(became VERY organized) I cut back on the list making.... thinking of picking it up again, things have gotten a little crazy around here in the last few years..

[East Coast Sue]

I believe the Fly Lady would say that anyone can do it. :001_smile:

[Mrs Mungo]

Change your nature? No. Change your habits? Absolutely.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you, everyone. I'm trying really hard to get it together. The kitchen is clean! I'm working on tackling the living room bit by bit. I have Switch and Getting Things Done on hold at the library. And DH and I talked yesterday about which problematic habit I should start with first. I'm going to work on getting dinner on the table by 5:30 (even though that means he won't be able to eat with us :(), so that the rest of the evening's activities can have at least a fighting chance of happening at the right times. My priority should REALLY be going to bed at 10:30 so I can get up early, but there's no hope of that happening if dinner isn't over until 8:00 and the kids aren't in bed until 10! Baby steps...

 

I appreciate all of your thoughts and commiseration here!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

No, then again I'm not unhappy with myself. LOL

 

I am very organized despite how chaotic I am. Anyone like this will understand what I mean. :D

 

:lol: I was like that for a long time. Among all the chaos, DH could ask where something was, and I could tell him exactly where to find it. I kept all my appointments in my head and never forgot any. Now, though, my brain is more Swiss-cheese-like than ever, and the two supplements that actually helped me function now make my kidney hurt (which is pretty scary :(). So I need new coping mechanisms these days *sigh*

[katilac]

...and because I have so been there...and because I think successfully changing is primarily a mindset issue, I highly (highly!) recommend reading Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. The author uses a wonderful analogy to describe the challenges of change; a rider, an elephant, and the path are symbols used to explain challenges and solutions. Some of it is counter-intuitive but makes perfect sense. I can't tell you how many aha moments I had when reading the book.

 

did you recently rec this in a different thread, just a few days ago? if so, thanks, b/c I put it on my Kindle and I'm about halfway through; excellent book!

[Alte Veste Academy]

did you recently rec this in a different thread, just a few days ago? if so, thanks, b/c I put it on my Kindle and I'm about halfway through; excellent book!

 

LOL, yes, I did. When I love something, I don't shut up about it. :lol: So glad to hear you are enjoying it. :001_smile:

[DeeDeeMarie]

Yay! My Library has Switch :).

 

Forming good habits has been so hard, I wake up each day thinking "This is the day I just might get my act together!" and for a couple hours it looks that way, but by 11ish, I start feeling completely overwhelmed by all I want to accomplish on any given day. I'm not giving up, though, I think it can be done.

 

I wanted to post these quotes on Habits I found on the net

 

The hard must become habit. The habit must become easy. The easy must become beautiful. -Doug Henning

 

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. -Samuel Johnson

 

Incredibly, many people continue their old life-style, their habits even if they feel miserable, lonely, bored, inadequate, or abused. Why? Of course… because habit is an easy place to hide. -Tom Rusk

 

Successful people are simply those with success habits. -Brian Tracy

 

If you do the same thing every day at the same time for the same length of time, you’ll save yourself from many a sink. Routine is a condition of survival. -Flannery O’Connor (1925-1964)

 

A nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit. -Desiderius Erasmus (1466-1536)

 

In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently. -Anthony Robbins

 

Most of life is routine: dull and grubby, but routine is the mountain that keeps a man going. If you wait for inspiration you’ll be standing on the corner after the parade is a mile down the street. -Ben Nicholas

 

Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do. -Shaquille ONeal

 

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. -Jim Rohn

 

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. –Aristotle

 

Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of. -unknown

[katilac]

Yay! My Library has Switch :).

 

Forming good habits has been so hard, I wake up each day thinking "This is the day I just might get my act together!" and for a couple hours it looks that way, but by 11ish, I start feeling completely overwhelmed by all I want to accomplish on any given day. I'm not giving up, though, I think it can be done.

 

I wanted to post these quotes on Habits I found on the net

 

Some really good ones; thanks for sharing.

[Anne in CA]

I didn't read all the replies but I know it is possible to change from being the sort of person who can't keep their house clean and is always running late to always being on time and keeping your house clean.

 

I have a very good friend who did it. The reason she changed was that she went through a divorce from a very abusive man who was trying to paint a picture of her as being so irresponsible that he should take her two youngest children away. So she had to be so tidy that no visit from CSD could find her house a mess. She also was on time for everything so that no one could ever call her a flake. That lasted about two years. After her ex moved away she went back to being her charming messy late self. And I love her that way just like I bet everybody loves you, lol.