Is this rude...or just typical of 11yo boys?

[PineFarmMom]

I really can't decide. Yesterday, 11yo ds had his best friend...we'll call him boy A, who happens to live 3 doors down, over here to play. I was out working in the yard and a boy (boy B) who lives about a mile from here pulls up with his mom and gets out at our house. She leaves him here. Not a big deal, as we are pretty open for kids to come in and out over here. 15 minutes later, I'm in the house and find ds in his room. I asked where his friends were. Come to find out, the only reason boy B even came over was get to boy A to go down to boy A's house to play a video game on his x-box. Boy B had called boy A's house, found out where he was, and decided he'd just come down to my home and get him, regardless of whether he was playing with my son or not. So I asked ds why he didn't go ahead and go with them. He said the game they were playing was an M game and that he's not allowed to play those games. He was being responsible. Boy A and ds are close, so boy A knows ds can't play the M game....both boys knew ds couldn't play and left him here anyway. His mom dropped him off...that's what gets me is that she knowingly dropped him here so he could take his friend from my home, with no regard to my own son's feelings. I think it also bothered me that ds was hurt by it but kind of accepting of it at the same time. He's quiet and passive, very kind, but gets the doormat treatment a lot and seems to accept it. :( I guess our manners would have dictated that we just wouldn't do that to someone. Is that too much to ask of others or do that age boys just not get it?

 

Teresa

[Marylou]

I'm sorry your son was treated so rudely. Maybe he could befriend another boy who also isn't allowed to play "mature" video games; they will probably have more in common anyway!

Edited April 20, 2009 by dmmosher
typo

[unsinkable]

I really can't decide. Yesterday, 11yo ds had his best friend...we'll call him boy A, who happens to live 3 doors down, over here to play. I was out working in the yard and a boy (boy B) who lives about a mile from here pulls up with his mom and gets out at our house. She leaves him here. Not a big deal, as we are pretty open for kids to come in and out over here. 15 minutes later, I'm in the house and find ds in his room. I asked where his friends were. Come to find out, the only reason boy B even came over was get to boy A to go down to boy A's house to play a video game on his x-box. Boy B had called boy A's house, found out where he was, and decided he'd just come down to my home and get him, regardless of whether he was playing with my son or not. So I asked ds why he didn't go ahead and go with them. He said the game they were playing was an M game and that he's not allowed to play those games. He was being responsible. Boy A and ds are close, so boy A knows ds can't play the M game....both boys knew ds couldn't play and left him here anyway. His mom dropped him off...that's what gets me is that she knowingly dropped him here so he could take his friend from my home, with no regard to my own son's feelings. I think it also bothered me that ds was hurt by it but kind of accepting of it at the same time. He's quiet and passive, very kind, but gets the doormat treatment a lot and seems to accept it. :( I guess our manners would have dictated that we just wouldn't do that to someone. Is that too much to ask of others or do that age boys just not get it?

 

Teresa

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug: This has happened to my dd, so I don't think it is typical of boys. A mom I know drove her daughter to my house, the daughter called the "friend" who was playing in my house with my dd on her cell phone, friend goes outside and the 2 girls make plans to go to the movies with the mom. They leave my dd out but her "friend" made sure to come back in the house to tell my dd exactly what they were planning on doing with out her. The worst is that the mom facilitated all of this! My dd decided, on her own, that was the last time she'd play with the "friend."

 

I'd be proud of your son. I teach my kids that there are times in life that it is better to be alone than to follow the crowd. It hurts us to see our kids hurt but being alone is something everyone goes through.

[Jenny in Florida]

The worst is that the mom facilitated all of this!

 

Bingo.

 

I think the situation described is both rude and typical of 11-year-old kids of either gender. However, it is beyond my comprehension that a parent would participate.

[MamaT]

No I don't think this is typical. I've never seen boys act this way and I'm on my fourth.

 

Girls on the other hand, I am finding this kind of behavior is typical.

 

Some people are just plain rude. I think this mother should have known better.

[kalanamak]

Boy A and ds are close, so boy A knows ds can't play the M game....both boys knew ds couldn't play and left him here anyway. His mom dropped him off...that's what gets me is that she knowingly dropped him here so he could take his friend from my home, with no regard to my own son's feelings.

 

How do you know the mom knowingly did this? Who knows what boy B told his mother....

 

When it comes to electronic games, the siren call is so strong, my son becomes deaf and blind to me (this has happened only once when a chum brought some handheld peice of wizardry over), and THAT is why it isn't coming into my house until kiddo is more mature.

 

I had some situations when I was a child. My parents were much stricter about what I did, and I couldn't roam as far, and I wasn't given money for movies, etc. I was a bit bummed, but I lived through it. It just "was", not a trauma.

Edited April 20, 2009 by kalanamak

[calandalsmom]

While I REALLY understand the natural inclination to be put out by tis and while I think it is rude, I wouldnt dwell on it. Its not an indictment of you or your child and you have no idea what the other mother was actually told by her 11 yo.

 

Kids are unthinkingly rude a lot because they are immature.

 

I could spend a lot of time getting really lathered up about things my kid's friends have done or not done but all in all it gets me nowhere fast.

 

I've been trying really hard to coach my ds towards reacting appropriately to situations that arise. That may be something you could do- try to coach your son on how he could stand up for himself if this comes up again. Its hard for them.

Edited April 20, 2009 by calandalsmom

[ConnieB]

Is it possible that the mom who dropped off Boy B thought that both your son and Boy A would be going together to Boy A's house? I can't imagine a mom allowing her son to steal a friend away like that, but I also can't imagine an 11 year old saying to his mom "BoyA and I are going to go back to A's house and play M but (yourson) can't play M games so he'll have to stay home".

 

For that matter, we can't even be sure that Boy A's mom realizes that she dropped her son off to go to another house and play M games! Mom may have thought that they were staying at your house to play, not going for video games (M or otherwise). Akin it to our generation "going to the library"....yeah that may be what the folks thought but it was really an excuse to have parents drop you at the library and then sneak off to whatever you wanted to do that they won't let you!

 

If you know BoyB's mom well, you might call and casually bring it up....I'd probably call and say "Son was so disappointed when B left for A's house the other day....We'd like to invite B to come over and play ball in the yard tomorrow." Non-accusatory way of seeing if Mom really had a clue what her son had planned. Of course, if B wasn't supposed to be playing those M games either, you may get him in trouble, which would not be a good thing.

 

Kudos to your son for his doing the right thing.....for so many kids it would have been easy for him to go off to A's house with the others and then lie to you about the games they played! Sounds like you're doing something right. :tongue_smilie: I know that doesn't mend his hurts, but I'd have made a big fuss over it so he knew that he'd done the right thing and that "I" appreciated it. Then I'd have probably stopped working in the yard and done something with him to try to heal the hurt. Or gone for ice cream.....my favorite hurt and reward medicine, :lol:

[Nestof3]

I really can't decide. Yesterday, 11yo ds had his best friend...we'll call him boy A, who happens to live 3 doors down, over here to play. I was out working in the yard and a boy (boy B) who lives about a mile from here pulls up with his mom and gets out at our house. She leaves him here. Not a big deal, as we are pretty open for kids to come in and out over here. 15 minutes later, I'm in the house and find ds in his room. I asked where his friends were. Come to find out, the only reason boy B even came over was get to boy A to go down to boy A's house to play a video game on his x-box. Boy B had called boy A's house, found out where he was, and decided he'd just come down to my home and get him, regardless of whether he was playing with my son or not. So I asked ds why he didn't go ahead and go with them. He said the game they were playing was an M game and that he's not allowed to play those games. He was being responsible. Boy A and ds are close, so boy A knows ds can't play the M game....both boys knew ds couldn't play and left him here anyway. His mom dropped him off...that's what gets me is that she knowingly dropped him here so he could take his friend from my home, with no regard to my own son's feelings. I think it also bothered me that ds was hurt by it but kind of accepting of it at the same time. He's quiet and passive, very kind, but gets the doormat treatment a lot and seems to accept it. :( I guess our manners would have dictated that we just wouldn't do that to someone. Is that too much to ask of others or do that age boys just not get it?

 

Teresa

 

This exact thing used to happen to Aaron when he was young. It was a lesson in true friendship for my son, but he was so desperate for anyone to play with him that he put up with a lot of junk I never would.

 

He has now matured and found true friends and is no longer a doormat.

 

Ben, on the other hand, is just like Aaron. :glare:

 

I have found it is very difficult to find friends for my boys who don't do things we find inappropriate or have foul mouths/attitudes. What's worse is the parent's don't seem to care.

[Nestof3]

Of course, if B wasn't supposed to be playing those M games either, you may get him in trouble, which would not be a good thing.

 

Actually, I think that would be a very good thing. I would definitely want to know if my son broke a family rule while at someone else's house.

[Nestof3]

Kudos to your son for his doing the right thing.....for so many kids it would have been easy for him to go off to A's house with the others and then lie to you about the games they played!

 

Yep, we had times Aaron did exactly this as well, and we finally had to put those houses off limits. It's hard when EVERYONE in the neighborhood is playing them, though.

[SquirrellyMama]

I think part is typical and part is rude. I know my kids go to houses where they know more than one friend will be playing but I tell them they must stay and play with all the kids or have all the kids come to our house. The kids should not have played the game your son was not allowed to play so they could still play together.

[HRAAB]

I thought this type of behavior was a girl thing. Your son handled it with maturity.

 

Janet

[KidsHappen]

Typical to age not gender. There are six kids that live in my cul-de-saq, five girls and one boy. They all play together and get along fairly well, one on one or all together or in individual groups of two. Sometimes we can manage a group of four in which they play in two groups of two but groups of three or five are impossible. In these cases, there is always one or two people that get left out and it is not accident. Since most of the playing happens at my house I get to hear the majority of the behind to scenes planning and I can say that this sort of behavior is common.

 

Now for my part, I do not allow this. My girls are not allowed to snub a person. If they are playing with person A and person B shows up then they can all three play together or my dd can continue playing with person A and tell person B that they will play with them later. I frequently will hear their friends planning to dump one person, snub them or leave one person out. And I just as frequently hear my dds telling that that is not fair and will hurt the other friends feelings and that they don't want to do that.

 

Sometimes I have told my girls that they are only allowed to have one friend in and then they will come later and so another friends is at the door and wants to play as well and they don't want that friend to feel left out so can they come in as well. I almost always allow this. If I hear my dds OR any of their friends talking of snubbing someone, leaving them out or in any way saying something mean to or about their other friends, I jump in and proceed to chew everyone's rear. Then I send offending friends home and prevent further play for the day. If they are all playing here and it gets a little loud, I send them all outside.

 

It is hard and their is a lot of juggling going on. It also requires constant eaves dropping an dviligence on my part. But I have been through all of this before with my middle two and there were a lot more friends in their group which meant a lot more juggling of personalities. However, this group of kids are now about seven years older and still all the best of friends. There was one girl that was a queen bee and she kind of got dropped and is no longer friends with any of them.

 

In these situations, not only do you have to be proactive, you have to teach your children to be proactive as well. They need to learn to speak up and address behavior like this and let the offenders know that it is not acceptable and it will not be tolerated and this needs to happen before the end of middle school. I am so sorry that your son's feeling were hurt but you do need to let him know that you are proud of him for doing the right things and let him know that in the end he will find it much more satisfying to have friends more in keeping with his moral beliefs. Good luck with this.

[klmama]

I hope you praised your son for doing the right thing!!!!! It's wonderful that he has the guts to stand up to friends and say, "I'm not going to do that," when it means he will be excluded. He could have lied to you, but he chose to follow your family's rules. What a good boy!!!!!!

 

As for the friends leaving him.... My ds has had similar problems with a friend repeatedly "dumping" him whenever another friend arrives. He left a get-together early the other day and came home because of it. His friend has apologized and promised it won't happen again. I'm glad my ds left, because it made the point a lot clearer than just complaining about it. I look at other boys involved, though, and I know it isn't because they don't like my ds - it's simply immaturity on their part.

 

I have to wonder about the mom. I suspect she had no idea what her ds's plan was or that she didn't know your ds couldn't play that game. I like ConnieB's suggestion about what to say to the mom.

 

:grouphug: It's hard to see your dc hurt, isn't it?

[Ellie]

Rude. And the mother is culpable. I'll bet she knew what was going on.

[PineFarmMom]

Thanks for the responses. It did seem rude to me. I talked to ds yesterday about it and dd's friend, who is the sister of the boy who was at our house, overheard me telling him that it angered me to see him treated in that way. She went home and told her brother, I'm guessing, because he apologized to ds. Ds forgave him. We talked about responses and how to handle it, and that it's not right for him to be treated that way, etc. I told him I'm not talking retaliation because that's not God wants of us, but just general respect and manners. He's just one who won't express it when he is wronged by anyone. I did applaud him greatly over his choice to do the right thing. He's just such a very sweet kid. I think that's why this bothers me so much. I just have to pray for him and trust that God will bring the friends that are good for him and/or work in the ones he already has.

 

My brother was like him...I think my brother is just an awesome man who is kind and sensitive to those around him, wouldn't hurt anyone for anything. And Nestof3, I've heard about your son Aaron and he sounds great too. I'll just look to the years when this temperment will be an asset to him and I won't hurt for him as much. ;)

 

Teresa

[ConnieB]

Actually, I think that would be a very good thing. I would definitely want to know if my son broke a family rule while at someone else's house.

 

True, and I would want to know also, but from the boy's point of view it would not help the already strained situation.

[Murphy101]

well as a spectator in this conversation...

 

maybe the mother just thought she was dropping him off to play, not to take away your boy's friend? possible

 

now boy b knew what he was doing no doubt, but I'm just saying I wouldn't assume that he conveyed that to his mother.

 

who shouldn't have been doing a dump and drive with an 11 yr old anyways, imho.

 

just a thought.

 

next time she pulls up, I'd run to the car and say, "oh you're dropping so and so off to play at my house?! great! my boy will be thrilled and we're glad to have him - so when do you think you'll be by to pick him up?"

 

if the worst happens, I'd say, "Oh you only dropped your kid off without notice at my house so he could take our company from the house and exclude my son?" in shock....:blink:

 

geez.

if only common sense really was common, 'eh?:D

[Haiku]

Is it rude? Yeah. Is it worth getting upset about? No. Preteens and teens will make all sorts of social blunders, and the farthest I would go with this (and I have a 14 year old, so I have been there) is to sympathize with him about his hurt feelings and suggest something he could say to his friend if something like this came up again. Beyond that, I wouldn't get involved. This is a small deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

Tara

[joannqn]

Definitely rude and something kids need to be taught not to do. I definitely wouldn't allow my kids to do something like that.

[Tap]

Rude but common. I see it from the kids point of view too. My dd gets stuck in similar situations all the time. She has a friend in the neighborhood who she plays with a lot. She also has another friend who doesn't live in the neighborhood. She and the non-neighborhood friend will make plans to do something specific and just to get together once the friend finishes chores and school. She could get dropped off any time between 3-6 or not at all, we don't usually know when to expect her. In the mean while, she will play with the neighborhood friend. Then if the non-neighborhood friend gets dropped off, dd is stuck having to tell the one friend to go home. The two friends do not play well together, so a trio doesn't work.

 

I tell dd to tell the neighborhood friend ahead of time, that she would love to play, but she has made plans, and that when the second friend arrives, she will need to go home.

 

So far, it seems to be working. I feel bad for dd, having to be in the situation. But it is hard also to be stuck with a trio, when the kids do not get along. I figure as long as she is honest with the girl, and she chooses to stay and play even though she knows she will be asked to go home later, it is the best scenario.

 

There were summers when we had 10 kids going through our doors and when I saw or heard one kid pulling another away, leaving a single kid left, I would call them on it and let them know that it isn't nice, and often give them a suggestion on how to handle it better.

 

Kids don't know how to handle delicate social situations, and when it comes down to it, a lot of adults don't either. I take the opportunity to talk to kids and try to help them see why something is rude, mean or unfair, and most of the time, they didn't realize it. They see their side, and that is pretty much it. Once the other persons point of view is shown to them, they usually figure out a solution on their own.