Rebecca in GA Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 DD, 9.5, has started budding out a tiny bit, so we picked her up some "undershirts" (little sports bras) to wear under thinner clothing and at dance class. A girl in DD's dance class has been ugly to her all year, and DD has handled it well by continuing to talk to me about it and being kind to her, even when it's difficult. Today the girl leaned forward during jazz and hissed in DD's ear, "The only girls your age who have to wear undershirts are FAT girls!" Hateful! :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 You are a good Mom. I'm glad she's tough now those girls only get worse. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Today the girl leaned forward during jazz and hissed in DD's ear, "The only girls your age who have to wear undershirts are FAT girls!" In your shoes, I'd tell my dd that the other girl is either jealous, or she has no clue what is going to happen to her own body soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 (edited) "That's 'cause we're fat in all the right places. :-) Go eat something." Edited March 18, 2009 by FlockOfSillies added more snark Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 We've got one like that across the street here. It's gotten so bad that my DD can only play inside when there is a certain third girl playing with either of them. It's unbelievable. One small example...the girl is actually telling folks in the neighborhood not to play with DD because the "police are over here every morning!" OK... I hate mean girls. My DD has an anxiety disorder, and she just can't take this crap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yes, girls are mean! I hate to tell you this, but it gets worse. Sorry your daughter is already having to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 We've got one like that across the street here. It's gotten so bad that my DD can only play inside when there is a certain third girl playing with either of them. It's unbelievable. One small example...the girl is actually telling folks in the neighborhood not to play with DD because the "police are over here every morning!" OK... I hate mean girls. My DD has an anxiety disorder, and she just can't take this crap. I'd seriously be talking to this brat's mother! And it doesn't hurt to talk to her yourself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 How things don't change. Some girls in my class teased me when I was 9 for not having breasts. Sounds like she is getting a lot of help from you to stay strong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Can you say something to the dance teacher? If I was the instructor, I wouldn't want that happening in my class!! I hate mean girls too. We haven't had to deal with it yet, but we've talked a lot about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 My best friend has a daughter who is honestly one of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen. She is 1/4 Chinese, so she has dark skin, but she has bright green eyes and blonde hair. She is very "exotic" looking. Anyway, a girl across the street told her that she was the ugliest girl on the block. It made my best friend's daughter just bawl. Of course, now she thinks she is ugly. :( If only she could realize and see with adult eyes how beautiful she really is! I am sorry this happened to your daughter. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 My girls are 14 and 16, and experienced one (1) mean girl incident. We were at a birthday party and my girlies were little and clapping their hands, and another girl leaned over to them and said "It's not YOUR birthday you little jerks!" My girls were astonished. The little %^$# was unfortunate enough to have me dropping her off at her home that day, where I informed her mother of her remark and she was dragged into the house in disgrace. Easy enough to see where she learned that behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntPol Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 We can't have a day go by here without some mean girl encounter -between school, neighborhood, church, etc. I have not found talking to parents to be useful. It seems the majority of parents believe their children to be angels and don't like to be told otherwise. Today's mantras seem to be "girls are like that" or "girls will be girls". Well yeah, girls will be like that if they don't get trained to be otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I've learned the best option for our family is to build up my dd so she is not bothered by the random nastiness that is girlhood. It is pointless to try to talk to moms who raised the queen bees b/c they are queen bees themselves. It is not axiomatic but it is my experience that $h*t runs downhill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolin'mygirls Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I think I would start by addressing it with my dd (sounds like you did this effectively) then address it with mean girl's mom. I would talk with Mean Girl mom in the waiting room among whomever might be present. Sometimes it helps to have an audience. In my very nicest mom voice I would let mean girl mom know about her dd's concern that my dd is *fat*. Letting Mom know that I'm aware that many girls can be confused about normal development versus "fat" with all media pressure, etc , gives Mom a way to save face while still addressing issue with mean girl. I would be more than willing to wait and see how Mom reacts. If she's responsive, perhaps that's enough. If she's a queen bee, I'd go further. And I would help my dtr find some good come backs for further comments. I think one of the poster above had some good ideas about that. Such a downer that we females do these kind of things to ourselves anytime but esp. at such young ages nandell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca in GA Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Such a downer that we females do these kind of things to ourselves anytime but esp. at such young ages Ain't that the truth! I did actually speak to the instructor yesterday, and she plans on talking to the girl and again to the entire class when it meets next week. I've been monitoring the situation since the beginning of the year, so it's no surprise that it has escalated to this point. The sneak attack, which bothered me, and the fact that DD said some things told me it was time to intervene: "Emily crossed a line with me today" and "I was scared to say anything." I do want her to practice loving others even when it's difficult (and she has done very well with this child) but I also want her to know that I have her back when it's too much for her to handle. Unsinkable, I agree about building up DD. We tell our children that our bodies are perfect, just the way God made them. We've also told DD other girls might target her because she pretty, sweet-spirited and makes friends easily and that she should always take the high road (she has in this situation). I hear from her small group leader at church that she is praying for this little girl and another who doesn't seem to like her very much, so I couldn't be prouder of the way she has handled it. Like I said, it was just time for me to intervene. Anyway, I was just blowing off steam but I surely appreciate all the support. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Ain't that the truth! I did actually speak to the instructor yesterday, and she plans on talking to the girl and again to the entire class when it meets next week. I've been monitoring the situation since the beginning of the year, so it's no surprise that it has escalated to this point. The sneak attack, which bothered me, and the fact that DD said some things told me it was time to intervene: "Emily crossed a line with me today" and "I was scared to say anything." I do want her to practice loving others even when it's difficult (and she has done very well with this child) but I also want her to know that I have her back when it's too much for her to handle. Unsinkable, I agree about building up DD. We tell our children that our bodies are perfect, just the way God made them. We've also told DD other girls might target her because she pretty, sweet-spirited and makes friends easily and that she should always take the high road (she has in this situation). I hear from her small group leader at church that she is praying for this little girl and another who doesn't seem to like her very much, so I couldn't be prouder of the way she has handled it. Like I said, it was just time for me to intervene. Anyway, I was just blowing off steam but I surely appreciate all the support. :grouphug: I find this kind of behavior....sickening. I didn't like it when I was in school and I can't tolerate it in kids now. I don't remember it being directed toward me that much as a kid...maybe I've forgotten my own pain. :) However, I can still remember how mean some kids were to others. I have a question....you are all talking like it is only a girl problem. Do boys not do this sort of thing toward other boys? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I have a question....you are all talking like it is only a girl problem. Do boys not do this sort of thing toward other boys? In my experience, they tend to just whack on or yell at each other then make up within a few. The catty, emotionally abusive, who is queen bee today behavior seems to be a girl tactic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 In my experience, they tend to just whack on or yell at each other then make up within a few. The catty, emotionally abusive, who is queen bee today behavior seems to be a girl tactic. I have a sensitive son....a rude or sarcastic comment from a friend (boy or girl) can bug him for weeks. He was all excited about getting an XBox and when he told a friend of his in our congregation the friend said, 'It's all about PS3 now.' This boy is older...14 I think...so maybe that is the difference. But it hurts ds when his 'friends' dismiss his excitement over new things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca in GA Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Neither of my boys is dealing with it right now, but outright bullying was an issue for ODS when he was about 8. If we still were in the community/church/baseball league where this kid ruled, he might still be dealing with it. Three things happened in that case: We moved, ODS got bigger than bully boy, and to bully boy's "I'm the winner, you're the loser" ODS replied, "We'll see in 20 years, when I'm signing your paycheck." :rofl: Still, girls seem to be able to hit right where it hurts, you know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 We can't have a day go by here without some mean girl encounter -between school, neighborhood, church, etc. I have not found talking to parents to be useful. It seems the majority of parents believe their children to be angels and don't like to be told otherwise. Today's mantras seem to be "girls are like that" or "girls will be girls". Well yeah, girls will be like that if they don't get trained to be otherwise. A very dear friend of mine has a dd the same age as my oldest. They are great friends - except this girl is mean. Catty mean - it's always done quietly and without attracting a lot of attention so you don't know it is happening at all unless someone says something. Her latest is to tell my dd she's a "bit overweight" because she has a little tummy. DD is insecure enough without her "friend" saying things like this. But she never gets caught in the act. When I've approaced said friend about the ugliness that comes out it always - "Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it that way!" Well, that's the way my dd took it! How else can you mean it??? Definately makes things uncomfortable more and more recently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2a&z Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 A very dear friend of mine has a dd the same age as my oldest. They are great friends - except this girl is mean. Catty mean - it's always done quietly and without attracting a lot of attention so you don't know it is happening at all unless someone says something. Her latest is to tell my dd she's a "bit overweight" because she has a little tummy. DD is insecure enough without her "friend" saying things like this. But she never gets caught in the act. My dd has a close friend that does the same thing. When the 2 girls were in our van, my dd's friend turns to her and says "don't take this the wroing way, but when I first met you I thought you were ugly, but now that I know you I don't think that anymore because I know you on the inside too." I almost had to pull the van over I was so mad. This is only one example out of many. The remarks are always said with the sweetest tone of voice and a smile. :glare: Our families are good friends and I've had to pretty much eliminate socializing with them. Right now it has been easy because our schedules are so different (their children go to a classical christian school). It may be harder in the summer. My dd just doesn't know what to do with those kind of comments but to ignore them. I've chosen not to say anything to the mom because I'm not sure it would help. I just tell my dd that she is beautiful and smart and that she is fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 My dd has a close friend that does the same thing. When the 2 girls were in our van, my dd's friend turns to her and says "don't take this the wroing way, but when I first met you I thought you were ugly, but now that I know you I don't think that anymore because I know you on the inside too." :eek: Sputtering here. Shocking behavior. Did she know you heard her say it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 My dd has a close friend that does the same thing. When the 2 girls were in our van, my dd's friend turns to her and says "don't take this the wroing way, but when I first met you I thought you were ugly, but now that I know you I don't think that anymore because I know you on the inside too." I almost had to pull the van over I was so mad. This is only one example out of many. The remarks are always said with the sweetest tone of voice and a smile. :glare: I've had adults say the same kind of "backhanded compliments". And they often genuinely mean no harm by it. To them, it is a virtue that they looked beyond the ugly outside to the beautiful inner. Of course if you are on the receiving end, it isn't so nice - can be pretty devastating in fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 My best friend has a daughter who is honestly one of the prettiest little girls I have ever seen. She is 1/4 Chinese, so she has dark skin, but she has bright green eyes and blonde hair. She is very "exotic" looking. Anyway, a girl across the street told her that she was the ugliest girl on the block. It made my best friend's daughter just bawl. Of course, now she thinks she is ugly. :( If only she could realize and see with adult eyes how beautiful she really is! I really like the book Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa because the author has experience with people finding her children to be "exotic" and constantly commenting on certain of their features, real or imagined. It's written to address concerns of different age groups, and it's very thought provoking. One of the things she says that applies to everyone, not just children of "mixed" backgrounds, is that parents often don't discuss something, and the only one talking is the one making comments, many times derogatory, so it's our responsibility to build our children up and give them confidence so they know how to deal with these things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 In my experience, they tend to just whack on or yell at each other then make up within a few. The catty, emotionally abusive, who is queen bee today behavior seems to be a girl tactic. This whole thread reminds me of why I've always had more guy friends than girl friends. :glare: Girls can be just downright mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Have y'all read Odd Girl Out? I heard the author speak, and she was quite a fireball. She's got the whole girl-dynamics thing down. I was so inspired, I bought her book. And I don't even have a daughter, only sons! http://www.amazon.com/Odd-Girl-Out-Culture-Aggression/dp/0151006040 I haven't heard this book mentioned on the boards (though perhaps I just missed it) so I thought I'd throw it out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 If I were her mother, I would really want to know and would be frustrated if I found out that someone kept that from me. I would probably call the band director and explain that if I were the offender's parent, I would want to know that was said, and ask her to pass it on. I would make it clear that I wasn't looking for an apology or any public bru ha ha. I think most of our children are capable of doing and saying mean things. It's not just girls either. And when parents or teachers find out and are able to address it, it's an opportunity for something good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 In my experience, they tend to just whack on or yell at each other then make up within a few. The catty, emotionally abusive, who is queen bee today behavior seems to be a girl tactic. I've got 4 sons--the oldest of whom is 16--and nothing like this has ever happened that I recall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songbirdie Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would ask the dance instructor to move them far apart so that she's not close enough to lean up and make a remark like that. Then I'd have my daughter stay away from her as much as possible. If it didn't help I'd talk to the parent. If that didn't help, I'd talk to the girl myself. I had to do that with our PASTOR'S daughter because the parents wouldn't listen to me. Another idea. . .is it possible to just move to another class time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 My dd just doesn't know what to do with those kind of comments but to ignore them. I've chosen not to say anything to the mom because I'm not sure it would help. I just tell my dd that she is beautiful and smart and that she is fearfully and wonderfully made by God. You don't say anything to the Mom because you aren't sure it would help. Why not try? See what she says? Doesn't she have a right to know so that she can talk to her daughter about these kinds of things? It seems to me that most mothers of girls are shocked at how mean girls can be, but don't believe that their OWN daughter would ever be so mean. Perhaps this mother is just clueless that her darling says things like this, and if you requested a meeting of Moms and daughter where you could gently air some of her statements, it really would help. Or if it didn't, it would help your daughter see that this really isn't a good friend. I grew up in a small private school with some very mean kids. My sister's classmates were even worse, and it wasn't just girls - there were some horrendously catty, spiteful boys too. My mother never would advocate for us, and my sister in particular feels angry - she feels that my mother choose to avoid conflict and avoid looking aggressive (her worse horror, lol) when she could have take small actions that might have changed everything. I'm not sure I would have wanted my mother involved, but my sister desperately wanted my mother to stand up for her a little, and my mother chose to preserve friendships and her ladylike image instead of meeting that need in my sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 You don't say anything to the Mom because you aren't sure it would help. Why not try? See what she says? Doesn't she have a right to know so that she can talk to her daughter about these kinds of things? It seems to me that most mothers of girls are shocked at how mean girls can be, but don't believe that their OWN daughter would ever be so mean. I'm not sure I would have wanted my mother involved, but my sister desperately wanted my mother to stand up for her a little, and my mother chose to preserve friendships and her ladylike image instead of meeting that need in my sister. I want to know if my child ever says anything mean to anyone. And if other children are in my care and *I* hear ugliness, I call them on it. I think sometimes, with some kids, that is all that is needed....they just sometimes say things to try them out...and when it is exposed they see the light so to speak. Of course, a truly mean kid will just take it underground and an adult will never hear it again. My mom feels regret for not sticking up for my brother more. He was very sensitive..and fatherless to boot...so there was this whole idea back then that she should not be too soft on him and let him just deal with things himself. :( She often tells me to be sure and trust my gut with my own son who is also very sensitive. My mom's favorite line is 'stay away from people who make you feel bad.' As adults we can certainly do that....our children must depend on us to keep them away from people who make them feel bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 It is pointless to try to talk to moms who raised the queen bees b/c they are queen bees themselves. It is not axiomatic but it is my experience that $h*t runs downhill. Yep - this has been proven true in my GS troop (11yo's now - about 1/2 have been together since they were 5). The ones who have grown into the "mean girls" are most definitely being coached into it by the moms. When the girls were all small, the moms were already lobbying me to exclude some and give special opportunities and attention to others. One of my co-leaders used to regularly "fix" the random mixing games we'd play to give her daughter the "preferred" partners! She was shocked when I wouldn't let her do that w/my daughter (who wanted and who I wanted to get to know *everyone*!):glare: From my standpoint, it really looks like these moms are insecure themselves, and worried about their daughters having the "wrong" friends and being excluded; and are passing on a strategy to "do unto others *before* they do unto you" to their daughters. Sad, really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MUJLBE Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 A third grade girl was pulled out of our local public school this week for this very type of emotional bullying. The victim is pretty, sweet, and shy. This type of quiet exclusion and lies can easily go beneath the adult radar, yet if a child strikes another child on the playground it is immediately addressed. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurafrantz Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 My mom's favorite line is 'stay away from people who make you feel bad.' Great advice. It took me a very long time to learn that particular lesson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Is there something wrong in the other girl's life? I know you aren't responsible for the other girl but I would hate for her to go through life like this and be hurting in her own way. Is it possible for your dd to try to become her friend? Not sure if it would work or not. I remember in hs there was a girl who was mean to me but I knew she had a really rough life so I tried my best to be her friend. It worked a bit. She was friendly with me after that but we were never friends enough to hang out. She brought pot to my house once so I knew I should actually hang out with her. I just tried to be friendly during school. I tried to give her compliments when I saw something in her that was different from the usual. She was bounced around in foster homes I believe. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca in GA Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Is there something wrong in the other girl's life? I know you aren't responsible for the other girl but I would hate for her to go through life like this and be hurting in her own way.Kelly Kelly, this was the first route for us. We talked about how we never know what's going on with another person and how even small kindnesses that aren't reciprocated can change a person's attitude over time. DD put it into practice, complimented her at dance by saying how much fun it was to be the girl's do-si-do partner, at which point the girl "accidentally" slung her into the wall. When DD got pink streaks put into her hair, the girl told her pink was for sissies and if she ever got it done, she'd get blue. DD responded by ignoring the snark and telling her blue would be very pretty in her hair. I have been very proud of the way DD's responded, but she *is* only 9. Lots of grown folks wouldn't have done as well as she. It was time for me to step in. What I know of her home life is this: She has a younger sister who is in DD's ballet class who DD gets along with just fine; a teenage brother (seems nice) who usually brings the girls to dance and stays with them; a nurse mother; an accountant father; and close ties with one of the employees of the school, who I believe would not hesitate to speak to the girl if she knew this was going on (IOW, I don't think she would play favorites). Anyhoo, dance class is Tuesday and we shall see. I'm going to stay for both classes instead of dropping her off and running errands as I usually do, so that I make sure the situation is addressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I would want to know too. I'd rip my child a new one if I ever found out they treated someone like that. :lol::lol: And precisely for that reason, I bet your child never would! :lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Boys do it too. My oldest son went through problems with bullies when he was young and my youngest son is going through it now. The common thread seems to be that they are both are very good-natured and intelligent. The problem with good-natureness is that half the time they don't recognize that the nematoads are taking advantage of them. :smash: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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