How could I leave one of my dc?

[Renee in NC]

I am losing sleep over this.

 

Most of you know our situation - we have lost just about everything, we are deeply in debt, and now we have no income (other than possible unemployment of a very low amount.)

 

We are visiting my mother and other family in FL for a couple of weeks (to decompress.) My dh was offered a job working as a manager for my uncle here in FL. We have a place to live (probably rent free, but at least REALLY cheap) that is better than where we live now. My mother wants me to work for her doing her accounting work.

 

Great, right? No, not really. My 15yo is my ds and his father lives where we live in NC. My ds cannot move here with us (and doesn't want to.) If he wanted to, there wouldn't be much his Dad could do to stop him from coming with us. However, he loves his school, has a girlfriend, etc. So, we would have to leave him there.

 

I don't want to do this. How could I? Everytime I think about it, I cry. Why have I been put in a position where I feel like I have to pick my other dc over him. I had promised him that we wouldn't go before he graduated (in 2.5 years.) It isn't like we have great prospects where we are, though.

 

He could come visit about once a month - plane tickets aren't that bad. My Dad is still in NC and would take over for us as far as making sure ds has what he needs and has somewhere to go when he needs to.

 

I have talked to him about it briefly and his initial response was for us to go. He's worried about us and what we are going to do. However, my other dc would miss him terribly, his other home life isn't great (so he likes being able to go back and forth), and he and my dh are very, very close.

 

Anyway - any insight? Sometimes "talking through things" makes me see things a different way and/or more clearly.

[Melinda in VT]

I don't know what I would do in your situation, but when I read your post, my first thought was to wonder if staying where you are would burden your son with the feeling that the whole family was suffering because of him. kwim?

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you are in this situation.

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could fix it for you. :grouphug:

 

My first thought is that I would take your 15 yo with you. He's only 15, so to me, his girlfriend doesn't get to define his life--you do. I moved when I was newly 16--I loved my school, had a boyfriend, and moved from Ohio to FL, where I also loved my school, met my husband, and had a great life. If his homelife in NC isn't that great, why would you make it his full-time place of residence? (I may be understanding that wrongly)

 

I vote for you to take him with you. You seem locked into thinking he gets to make the choice. Not in my family. Until he's 18, he's yours to parent, and parenting is hard, but you have to do it. If plane tickets aren't that expensive, let him fly up to his old home once a month, not vice versa. (But if you are that strapped, do you really want to spend that money?)

[Renee in NC]

I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could fix it for you. :grouphug:

 

My first thought is that I would take your 15 yo with you. He's only 15, so to me, his girlfriend doesn't get to define his life--you do. I moved when I was newly 16--I loved my school, had a boyfriend, and moved from Ohio to FL, where I also loved my school, met my husband, and had a great life. If his homelife in NC isn't that great, why would you make it his full-time place of residence? (I may be understanding that wrongly)

 

I vote for you to take him with you. You seem locked into thinking he gets to make the choice. Not in my family. Until he's 18, he's yours to parent, and parenting is hard, but you have to do it. If plane tickets aren't that expensive, let him fly up to his old home once a month, not vice versa. (But if you are that strapped, do you really want to spend that money?)

 

I guess I did not make this clear enough - we cannot make him go. If he *wanted* to go, his father couldn't do much to stop him due to his age, but the opposite works as well - he can choose to stay. It's the nature of joint custody and his age. He is just as much his father's son until 18 as he is mine, so it works both ways.

[Karenciavo]

If you leave your son you will at least be leaving him in a good situation (this I assume because you haven't mentioned it being a bad situation.) I'm sure it is very difficult and I truly hurt for you.

 

I grew up very poor. My father left us, 7 kids and my mom, in a hotel after we lost our home to a sheriff's sale. My mother was forced to make some really hard decisions, including telling my 17 yo sister and 16 yo brother they could not come with us when she found a place for us (small 2 bedroom efficiency apt.) They had to quit school, get a job, and go live on their own. They did so happily. I think when you are forced to make hard decisions you do what it takes because you love your family and want what is best for them. Your son is old enough to know what a difficult position you are in and I'm sure when he tells you to go he means it. Doesn't make it any easier for {{{you}}} I'm sure.

[Andie]

<<My first thought is that I would take your 15 yo with you. He's only 15, so to me, his girlfriend doesn't get to define his life--you do. I moved when I was newly 16--I loved my school, had a boyfriend, and moved from Ohio to FL, where I also loved my school, met my husband, and had a great life. If his homelife in NC isn't that great, why would you make it his full-time place of residence? (I may be understanding that wrongly)

 

I vote for you to take him with you. You seem locked into thinking he gets to make the choice. Not in my family. Until he's 18, he's yours to parent, and parenting is hard, but you have to do it. If plane tickets aren't that expensive, let him fly up to his old home once a month, not vice versa. (But if you are that strapped, do you really want to spend that money?)>>

 

Absolutely. I moved away from the family I'd grown up with (Mom, stepdad, brother and sister) at 16 to live with my dad and stepmom because of a divorce. At the time, I handled it "well" on the surface, said the right things to my parents, etc. It was the *worst* possible decision that could have been made (it was mostly up to my mom, but I did get a small say). I would do whatever it takes to take him with you if possible. Chris is right, let the plane trips be back there.

 

Is it a custody agreement that's causing you to say you "can't" take him? Or just that he's established there?

 

What a tough situation.

[Renee in NC]

Is it a custody agreement that's causing you to say you "can't" take him?

 

Yes.

[Jzsnow]

Is there any chance he might choose to go with you?

[Renee in NC]

Is there any chance he might choose to go with you?

 

No.

[Andie]

Yes.

 

Sorry :) I read your other post after I posted mine.

 

I think I would still do whatever it took to get him there. I probably would have presented it to him as what was going to happen, and gotten him on board and not assumed he'd stay behind. I know how *huge* the girlfriend and all seem to a 15yo, but we're talking about the rest of his life, his place in your family and *the big picture.* At 15, his dad would have to be the one actively trying to stop you from taking him, at least to initiate "stuff"...would he do that?

 

I feel for you. I do nearly anything to keep things on an even keel and give my kids what they want, but I'm afraid in this case, a 15 yo would be going with me if humanly possible.

[Jami]

Wow, this sounds really hard. :(

 

My instinct based on how life has played out for you guys in NC is to encourage you to go to FL. If there is work for your dh which could begin to provide for your family, a reasonable housing situation, possible work for you which would still allow you to mother your younger children and continue to homeschool if that's your desire...then I think you probably need to go. A mature and thriving 15 year old is not a 10 year old who would flounder in a traditional school or a younger child who needs mom available. If your ex can provide a stable home for your son and your dad is there as added support, then I think that's a pretty good situation for him. Not ideal perhaps, but it sounds better than what you've described of your situation the past year or two for the other 6 children you're raising. What does your dh say? I would think he would have a concern to the care and provision of his children as much as your ex does for his son.

 

Good luck with your decisions, DQ.

Edited December 31, 2008 by Jami

[Renee in NC]

Wow, this sounds really hard. :(

 

My instinct based on how life has played out for you guys in NC is to encourage you to go to FL. If there is work for your dh which could begin to provide for your family, a reasonable housing situation, possible work for you which would still allow you to mother your younger children and continue to homeschool if that's your desire...then I think you probably need to go. A mature and thriving 15 year old is not a 10 year old who would flounder in a traditional school or a younger child who need mom available. If your ex can provide a stable home for your son and your dad is there as added support, then I think that's a pretty good situation for him. Not ideal perhaps, but it sounds better than what you've described of your situation the past year or two for the other 6 children you're raising. What does your dh say? I would think he would have a concern to the care and provision of his children as much as your ex does for his son.

 

Good luck with your decisions, DQ.

 

My dh is *sick* over this as well - he loves my ds to death and doesn't want to leave him, but he isn't sure what to do either. Ds may change his mind in the future, but for now he wants to stay.

 

Ds's father has a stable home and ds has attended the same school for almost 6 years. He has never been homeschooled. I don't *like* his father's house or his father's choices (and in general he is a jerk;)), but it isn't terrible.

[Jami]

My dh is *sick* over this as well - he loves my ds to death and doesn't want to leave him, but he isn't sure what to do either. Ds may change his mind in the future, but for now he wants to stay.

 

Ds's father has a stable home and ds has attended the same school for almost 6 years. He has never been homeschooled. I don't *like* his father's house or his father's choices (and in general he is a jerk;)), but it isn't terrible.

 

Well it certainly sounds like your 15 year old is well-loved and he no doubt knows that you guys wouldn't make this choice if there were other options open to you at this point.

 

:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

[Quiver0f10]

I guess I did not make this clear enough - we cannot make him go. If he *wanted* to go, his father couldn't do much to stop him due to his age, but the opposite works as well - he can choose to stay. It's the nature of joint custody and his age. He is just as much his father's son until 18 as he is mine, so it works both ways.

 

 

I don't understand how a 15 yo can choose to stay? I know you both have custody, but aren't you the primary care giver? Can you talk to his dad and have him encourage the son to go?

 

I think going would be in everyone's best interest. Dad could visit once a month etc. My kids didn't love the idea of moving to Maine nor Arkansas but we did what was best for everyone at the time. If it were me in your situation I would pack up everyone, 15 yo included, and move asap.

[5knights3maidens]

I don't understand how a 15 yo can choose to stay? I know you both have custody, but aren't you the primary care giver? Can you talk to his dad and have him encourage the son to go?

 

I think going would be in everyone's best interest. Dad could visit once a month etc. My kids didn't love the idea of moving to Maine nor Arkansas but we did what was best for everyone at the time. If it were me in your situation I would pack up everyone, 15 yo included, and move asap.

 

:iagree:

[dawn of ns]

I think I'd respect your son's position on this. He sounds like a good , responsible kid. He thinks you guys should go and he has a safe and full life where he is. You said he can visit monthly. It may turn out that after awhile he decides to live with you. Either way this isn't horrible for him. He has two good choices and a wealth of loving family to help him in those choices.

 

What a burden it would be to him to think he's the reason you didn't leave and weren't able to give the family the security it needs.

 

I say this being free of having to go through it and I can't begin to imagine how much it must hurt but in the end, you aren't abandoning him. You aren't leaving him behind. You're doing what you need to for your whole family, him included(he NEEDS to know his family is safe and coping) and giving him the gift of respecting and supporting his choice.

 

Sign up for Skype (free!) and grab a webcom for both of you and set up ways to keep in touch. Make the time before you leave all about him and his part in the family and let him know how proud you are of him and how it's his maturity and intelligence that make you feel safe in having him stay where he is.

[Quiver0f10]

I wanted to add that I know you are a Believer and maybe God is closing doors in NC and opening them in FL? Maybe God has plans for you all in FL ....

[Jzsnow]

I don't understand how a 15 yo can choose to stay? I know you both have custody, but aren't you the primary care giver? Can you talk to his dad and have him encourage the son to go?

 

I think going would be in everyone's best interest. Dad could visit once a month etc. My kids didn't love the idea of moving to Maine nor Arkansas but we did what was best for everyone at the time. If it were me in your situation I would pack up everyone, 15 yo included, and move asap.

 

I am a child of divorced parents. After the age of 12 (in texas, atleast) the child can make the choice which parent to live with. It is likely that her DS has chosen to stay with dad to avoid moving.

 

When I was 16, my dad re-married and moved to Oklahoma city, from Lubbock, tx. I was so mad! SO ANGRY! Out of rebellion, I chose to move with my mom (who was in alabama). I didn't want to move, but since I HAD to, I made my dad miserable too. It doesn't sound like this is the case with the DS, but I understand his desire to stay where he is. It was horrible to move at that age. I had a boyfriend, I was a cheerleader, on the dance squad, very involved in church, and a ton of friends. I swore I would NEVER make my children move at that age, unless dire circumstances prompted it. Looking back, my dad regrets his decision. However, it was my decision to make, because i was old enough to choose which parent I wanted to live with. My dad could have fought it, but he knew he would have lost in court.

 

Hugs to you! I know this is hard for you. However, you must do what is best for your ENTIRE family, not just once DC.

 

Jessica

[Renee in NC]

No, I do not have primary custody - we both do. I am not his primary caregiver - we both are. Teens have a *lot* of pull in custody situations, especially ones like ours. In our situation, there is no legitimate reason for him to be removed from the established life that he has. No judge would force him to go under the circumstances.

 

I understand that it is hard to understand if you have not ever been in a joint physical and joint legal custody situation. At this point it really is his choice, as crazy as that sounds. It would be totally different if his Dad simply had visitation, or my ds didn't have a very established life there.

 

Sometimes things are bigger than me. I have look beyond what I want to what would be best for him and so far, moving him 500+ miles away in the middle of high school when there are other viable options is not that.

[Renee in NC]

Exactly, Jessica. The law isn't always so clear cut in NC, but in our case it is (due to the joint custody.) I would lose in court.

[Chris in VA]

Well, I just wanted to say I didn't mean to sound harsh. I was just trying to give advice, and of course the best advice is to seek the Lord, know he has plans for you and your df, and just rest in him. I truly am sorry that you have to do this hard thing. My heart hates when my family is separated, as we are now, and I know how the letting go can feel like a tearing, a rending, inside. You'll be in my prayers, DQ. Lots of hugs.

[MBH]

I will pray for you. Please pray and then talk to your ex-husband and remind him that as busy as he is providing for his family, he may not be able to watch your son closely. His wife will not care as much as you do.

 

Bad things can happen if he does not have close supervision. He is only 15!

 

I have a relative who had to move and left behind her dc.

 

Dc did not follow her advice and chose a godless lifestyle. Now everyone is paying for it, including distant relatives. When one suffers, we all suffer.

 

A 15 year old is not old enough to make such important decisions. His school and girlfriend will be faded in the timeline of his life! The consequences will not.

 

Again, I will pray that you will do everything in your power (in addition to God's support) to take your son with you.

 

People who are advising you to let him stay behind have not seen what I have. Our culture is fascinated with evil, a 15 year old is not strong enough to fight against it.

[Renee in NC]

I don't understand - how is leaving him in a situation he is already in exposing him to evil? He already attends school. He already spends half his time with his Dad. I have no concerns about his wife taking care of him.

 

I do have concerns about not being able to influence him in person on a more regular basis, but that doesn't give me any power to take him anywhere.

[mcconnellboys]

I'd stay in FL with the prospect of jobs to help get out of debt. I only see things getting worse, financially, in the next year.

 

If your ds has a good relationship with his father and his grandfather is there, too, then it sounds like he has a good base. You can call daily and keep in touch with him. You're not that far from him (although I wouldn't have any of you at this point wasting money on plane fare).

 

It sounds to me like you need to think of the bigger picture at this point. I think he's old enough - and he sounds stable enough - to be without you there for a short time. If things change and he changes his mind about that, then he can move to be with you. I'm sure you've told him that.

 

Good luck to all of you!

[Renee in NC]

What if you agree to let him stay the rest of the school year while you guys get established in FL, then have a "meet and re-evaluate" once he's out of school? You'll know the options for him in FL, he'll have had time to consider what life in NC is like without you, and yet you can go into this change without a sense that it's a "forever" separation. It would be more incremental...for all of you.

 

Just brainstormin' here...have not been in your shoes and have every sympathy for you.

 

We probably wouldn't leave NC until the end of the school year anyway because we would have to finish up all the loose ends there.

[Renee in NC]

How would we see him if we didn't pay for plane fare? It is an 8-9 hour trip each way. The gas there and back would cost more than the plane ticket!

[ereks mom]

I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could fix it for you. :grouphug:

 

My first thought is that I would take your 15 yo with you. He's only 15, so to me, his girlfriend doesn't get to define his life--you do.

 

...I vote for you to take him with you.

 

... If plane tickets aren't that expensive, let him fly up to his old home once a month, not vice versa.

 

:iagree:

[abbeyej]

Oh, it sounds so hard! And I can understand why you're so torn up inside. ... But it also sounds like something you already know you have to do.

 

He has his dad, his grandfather, and it sounds like he would be able to be with you frequently, even if not as much as he is now. And while he may not love being at his dad's, it does sound as if you have no qualms about his safety and the quality of care and guidance in that home (where he already spends a significant quantity of time)...

 

And the trade-off for your other kids isn't a matter of foregoing "extras" or anything like that. You're talking about providing basics -- food, shelter -- for your other six children. And I agree with Melinda that staying puts a painful burden on your oldest -- knowing that by your staying (for him), there's harm to the whole family.

 

I don't mean to minimize this at all -- for any of you. But I know this has been on your mind for some time, and you have tried any number of ways to avoid this. ... And now it seems like the best (of painful) solutions...

 

And he can always come down to you guys if he chooses.

 

((()))

[Tammy]

since he has made the decision of not going....then let him stay.

 

You have to do what is best for your family....and I wouldn't stay just because your 15yo doesn't want to go....that isn't fair for the rest of the family.

 

I guess you can thank for courts for his decision, LOL!

 

.

[Erica in PA]

I am losing sleep over this.

 

Most of you know our situation - we have lost just about everything, we are deeply in debt, and now we have no income (other than possible unemployment of a very low amount.)

 

We are visiting my mother and other family in FL for a couple of weeks (to decompress.) My dh was offered a job working as a manager for my uncle here in FL. We have a place to live (probably rent free, but at least REALLY cheap) that is better than where we live now. My mother wants me to work for her doing her accounting work.

 

I can't tell you what is best for your family, but I can tell you that I don't think that *I* could leave my 15 yos for financial gain. There would only be three years left to live as a family with the child, and I would want to spend every minute possible with him during that time. I would want to help guide him into adulthood, where he'll be in just a few crucial years. A child is so hurt by divorce as it is, and I wouldn't hurt him again by moving away with your new family. Even if he said it was fine with him, I would not do it. As great as these opportunities look, there are more important things than finances. As long as you and your husband are able to provide basic needs for your family, which should be possible unless there is disability involved, I would stick it out until ds is 18.

 

I do think it's unfortunate that you have already discussed this plan with him, because he may think you are giving up something wonderful just to be with him. But if you decide to stay, you can tell him that you aren't staying out of responsibility, but because you love him and truly want to be with him more than you want these new financial opportunities. Those sorts of things will come and go, but these last few years with your child will never come again.

[Delighted3]

It is hard to let go of our children. If I am reading your sig line right, you will have 6 other smaller children. Your ds is almost 16 and will soon be ready to make his own way in the world. The fact that he gets to decide such a huge decision just goes to show how close he is to being independent. It also sounds like he would be well provided for with his Dad. I think you need to consider the needs of your other children and your ability to provide a stable life for them.

Joy

[Barb_]

Maybe if you reframe this. You aren't leaving your son; he is choosing to stay. There is a difference. You say you've promised not to leave until he graduates, but he's old enough to understand that circumstances can change. Your family is quite desperate and must do what it needs to do in order to survive. You should let go of your guilt right now because it is his choice that separates you. It's not as if you decided on a whim to move elsewhere because the weather is better. To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with his staying behind as long as everyone takes a deep breath and goes with it. No tears in front of your son, and no attempts on his part to make you feel guilty either. At 15, a child is more adult than child. At his age, teens go to boarding school or early college or exchange programs...in a few short years he may be ready to strike out on his own anyway. You guys will get through this.

 

I've actually been faced with this choice. My daughter was 15 when my husband moved ahead of us to AZ. Meghan went ahead with him for a year while we tied up loose ends back in PA and got the house ready to sell. I won't kid you, I missed her something fierce but really, you can get used to anything over time. We saw her every 6 weeks or so and we talked on the phone all the time. It was okay, really!

 

I think you are still at the point where you are fighting the decision. Your upset may be tied up in feelings of hurt at your son choosing his dad over you and/or control issues related to old baggage. I can understand the impulse. But it will be so much harder on everyone if you don't let go. This is something you must do, I'm afraid. :grouphug:

 

Barb

[melissel]

We probably wouldn't leave NC until the end of the school year anyway because we would have to finish up all the loose ends there.

 

Would he be willing to come with you for the first summer, to help ease the transition and for him to remain an integral part of the family for a little while longer? Who knows, he may decide to change his mind if he spends some time with you guys there. And if he doesn't, then I agree that I'd keep talking and talking with him about it, and if he really is OK with you all going, then I'd honor his choice and your family's overall needs and go. It sounds like he's in a safe and loving situation, and with your dad there to alert you to anything that might be taking a bad turn, I'd feel comfortable (thought not happy) letting him stay behind.

 

:grouphug: to you. What an unbelievably difficult decision to make!

[Renee in NC]

Maybe if you reframe this. You aren't leaving your son; he is choosing to stay. There is a difference. You say you've promised not to leave until he graduates, but he's old enough to understand that circumstances can change. Your family is quite desperate and must do what it needs to do in order to survive. You should let go of your guilt right now because it is his choice that separates you. It's not as if you decided on a whim to move elsewhere because the weather is better. To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with his staying behind as long as everyone takes a deep breath and goes with it. No tears in front of your son, and no attempts on his part to make you feel guilty either. At 15, a child is more adult than child. At his age, teens go to boarding school or early college or exchange programs...in a few short years he may be ready to strike out on his own anyway. You guys will get through this.

 

I've actually been faced with this choice. My daughter was 15 when my husband moved ahead of us to AZ. Meghan went ahead with him for a year while we tied up loose ends back in PA and got the house ready to sell. I won't kid you, I missed her something fierce but really, you can get used to anything over time. We saw her every 6 weeks or so and we talked on the phone all the time. It was okay, really!

 

I think you are still at the point where you are fighting the decision. Your upset may be tied up in feelings of hurt at your son choosing his dad over you and/or control issues related to old baggage. I can understand the impulse. But it will be so much harder on everyone if you don't let go. This is something you must do, I'm afraid. :grouphug:

 

Barb

 

My tears have nothing to do with control or old baggage. He is my son - I will miss him greatly. I don't fault him for wanting to stay - that doesn't hurt me at all. I would make the same decision if I were him. He would *never* make me feel guilty - he just isn't manipulative like that.

 

I *do* think we have a large positive influence in his life and that is what I have to weigh against the benefits of moving. It isn't about me - it's about what is best for my dc - ALL of them.

[Plucky]

I would try to encourage my 15 year old to come with us. Leaving him would be unbearable. But if he chose to stay with dad I'd have to leave with my other kids. It hurts. It's painful but to me it would be the right decision. Maybe he will change his mind and be with you after the move? I'm so sorry.

[Barb_]

Erica, I'm not picking on your post, but I do feel like we've read the OP's post in opposite directions.

 

I can't tell you what is best for your family, but I can tell you that I don't think that *I* could leave my 15 yos for financial gain...Even if he said it was fine with him, I would not do it. As great as these opportunities look, there are more important things than finances. As long as you and your husband are able to provide basic needs for your family, which should be possible unless there is disability involved, I would stick it out until ds is 18.

 

It didn't sound like they were leaving for financial gain...it sounds more like they need to feed their other six children and put a roof over their heads. Depending on where they live, this may not be possible. Oftentimes, especially in an economy where most businesses are letting people go in the place of hiring, you must go where the jobs are.

 

There would only be three years left to live as a family with the child, and I would want to spend every minute possible with him during that time. I would want to help guide him into adulthood, where he'll be in just a few crucial years.

 

But he's going to live with his father not a neighbor or an older sibling who may be incapable of providing guidance. Does a mother's guidance trump a father's guidance?

 

A child is so hurt by divorce as it is, and I wouldn't hurt him again by moving away with your new family.

 

He is invited to go along. He says no thank you. It isn't like they're telling him they can't afford to bring him along and he must stay with his dad.

 

I just can't see sacrificing an entire family for one young man who wishes to stay put.

[Melinda in VT]

I can't tell you what is best for your family, but I can tell you that I don't think that *I* could leave my 15 yos for financial gain.

 

If I'm remembering DQ's previous posts correctly, they are having trouble meeting basic needs--warm housing, adequate nutrition, basic health care. True, her son will only be a minor for another three years, but those three years are critical building years for the minds and bodies of her youngest children.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I lived away from my parents from the age of 11 (boarding school). There was a lot of bad there for me - BUT - I didn't have a parent with me - your ds will have his dad. I didn't have a way to communicate regularly with my parents (this was pre e-mail, cell phones etc.) - your ds could communicate with you everyday. I only got home every 3 months. Your ds could come home once a month, it sounds like. I was "raised" by other teens in a "Lord of the Flies" setting (I had to hide on my birthday or I would be stuck in a bathtub filled with ice water, I found myself stuck out on the fire escape when I made the mistake of falling asleep at night, I would get up in the dining hall to get a napkin and someone would put a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce on my food . . .) - it sounds like your ds has a pretty stable environment even if it might not be your first choice for him. In this situation I think I would leave him with his dad but would work hard to make this as positive as I could for your ds and the rest of your family.

[Barb_]

My tears have nothing to do with control or old baggage. He is my son - I will miss him greatly. I don't fault him for wanting to stay - that doesn't hurt me at all. I would make the same decision if I were him. He would *never* make me feel guilty - he just isn't manipulative like that.

 

I *do* think we have a large positive influence in his life and that is what I have to weigh against the benefits of moving. It isn't about me - it's about what is best for my dc - ALL of them.

 

Oh, I didn't mean that he would purposefully make you feel guilty! I suppose I should have said something like, "don't put guilt on yourself for needing to change the original plan." It sounds as if he is in a healthy situation either way and you have a strong relationship that will survive if you decide to move. I just know that it was incredibly hard when I let my daughter go ahead, but that I personally would probably have found it harder if she was going to live with an ex rather than my current husband. I was only throwing it out there as food for thought...not telling you that I believed you must necessarily feel that way.

 

Barb

[Renee in NC]

I want to comment on the divorce and new family thing - neither of those things represent our family.

 

His father and I were never married - I was a teen when he was born.

 

My new family is his family - he was 3 when my dh and I met. He doesn't remember him not being there. He doesn't consider his younger siblings "steps" or "halves" - this is his family just as much as if they were all biologically full siblings.

 

He has never known nor considered his Dad and I a "family." He actually asks on a regular basis how we ever were together because we are SOOOO very different!

[*********]

I will pray for you. Please pray and then talk to your ex-husband and remind him that as busy as he is providing for his family, he may not be able to watch your son closely. His wife will not care as much as you do.

 

I have a 11yo stepson. While I never claim to feel the exact same way toward him as I do to my two bio. sons, I feel it is hurtful to assume that someone's stepmother will not care for them 'as much' as their biolical mother does. I love my stepson, and care as much about his saftey, future, happiness, etc. as my bioligical sons. Just because we don't have the same exacty type of bond does not make one bond 'more' or 'less' than the other.

 

As to the OP, I totally understand your situation. My husband and the mother of his two oldest children were never married. However, they have joint custody, and neither one can move out of the state without court permission. And likely, given the age of the children (11 and 14), the court would let them decide where to live if one of them did move. No advice, just :grouphug:. It's a very hard decision.

[Tess in the Burbs]

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

my parents split when I was 15 and I chose to go with my mom and my sister stayed with my dad. while he forced her to visit us(we moved only a few hours away) I chose to not visit him. In hindsight my parents did a horrible thing allowing us to choose where to go. I had no supervision with mom off with her new boyfriend and my sister had nazi rule but managed to almost kill herself drinking over and over and over....and our relationship is...umm....weird. we aren't close. why would we be? she became friends with all my old friends. and they see her as their friend now. so my parents should have put their foot down and made us stay together. don't let your son choose to stay b/c of a girl. sheesh! moving now in the middle of the year sets him up to meet people and fit in next year....and I think flying to NC to visit his 'less than ideal home life' is the better decision. think about this before letting him choose to stay behind. families move together. if he were a senior getting ready for college in the fall it would be different.....

[dangermom]

This is a tough situation for you, but I vote for going to FL if that's what you need to do. I think it would be harder on your 15yo to feel like he's the reason that the rest of you are suffering. Of course you will miss each other, but he can visit. He sounds like he is fine where he is. If he understands and is concerned about your well-being, then from his perspective it's right for you to go. He sounds like a wonderful and mature young man--who wouldn't miss him and be torn up by having to leave? But unless something opens up for you in the next few months, this might be a trial you both have to go through.

[Erica in PA]

I wish I could respond to your individual quotes but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. :tongue_smilie: If it were *me,* I think dh and I could find a way to maintain basic needs just about anywhere, if we were both able bodied. It would mean not making any dent in our debt for the next three years, but I would be willing to sacrifice that until ds was older. The fact that there is a financially *better* situation elsewhere doesn't mean it's impossible anywhere else, kwim? (Btw, I have a lot of personal experience in this area, and have made the kinds of financial sacrifices I am suggesting-- so I'm not suggesting anything that I myself have not done in one form or another.)

 

Does it stink to be in debt, and struggle to make ends meet, and wonder where the next check will come from? Absolutely, I can testify to that firsthand. But *for myself,* I consider raising my children to be my highest priority, something I cannot sacrifice for anything else, and I would scrap and save and struggle to be able to do that myself. I think I would do so even if a tempting, easier way of life came along, that would mean moving away from one of my children.

 

You said, "But he's going to live with his father not a neighbor or an older sibling who may be incapable of providing guidance. Does a mother's guidance trump a father's guidance?" No, which is why I wouldn't advocate her taking him away from his father either. A fifteen year old needs a mother and a father nearby. The fact that they aren't married doesn't negate that fact. The OP also has said in her post that she doesn't like what goes on in her ex-husband's home, which is all the more reason to stay nearby, imo.

 

Finally, you said, "I just can't see sacrificing an entire family for one young man who wishes to stay put."

 

I would not sacrifice my family either-- but I don't think that is called for in this situation. I would go through a lot of financial sacrifice and extra work to be able to finish raising my dc, that is my point.

 

Obviously others here see it differently than I do, so you're not alone-- I think I am the only one who has said that I would not move away. Several have said that she really has no choice-- I disagree with that. There is always a choice, and always a way to get by financially, wherever you are, it just takes more work and sacrifices in some places than others.

Edited December 31, 2008 by Erica in PA

[Erica in PA]

I want to comment on the divorce and new family thing - neither of those things represent our family.

 

His father and I were never married - I was a teen when he was born.

 

My new family is his family - he was 3 when my dh and I met. He doesn't remember him not being there. He doesn't consider his younger siblings "steps" or "halves" - this is his family just as much as if they were all biologically full siblings.

 

He has never known nor considered his Dad and I a "family." He actually asks on a regular basis how we ever were together because we are SOOOO very different!

 

Okay, then let me rephrase my point: imo, a child benefits greatly from having a mother and father nearby-- if they are not married for whatever reason, it is still just as important to have them both. I am glad that he hasn't suffered through a divorce (which I know firsthand can be horrible for a child).

[Kathleen in VA]

DQ,

 

As you know, your situation is less than ideal - we live in a fallen world and no situation on this earth will ever be ideal. Your financial situation is causing you to have to make some extremely tough choices. My parents divorced when I was 14 and left the decision of whom to live with up to me. I chose my mom and we moved 5000 miles away from my dad, sister and brother. It was the first time we had ever been separated from each other. It was very tough but looking back I see how God's providence was guiding me and keeping me. Even in a less than ideal situation God, in His great power and grace and mercy, kept me safe and drew me to Him.

 

I know you don't want to leave your 15yo son. I would be heartbroken too if I had to make such a choice. But since your son is the one making the decision and he will be with his dad, as well as have your dad nearby to help, I would try very hard to be strong and trust that God will take care of him and keep him safe and happy. Also, as others have said, he may eventually decide to come live with you after all - especially if things sour with his girlfriend (not that I hope they will - just that he is still very young).

 

In ancient Hebrew culture children were considered full-grown at age 13. I realize our culture is quite different. I only mention that to say that your son is at an age when he can grow from the difficulty of this situation - he is more adult than child. It may have a sancitfying effect on him that will shape him into a stronger adult. I would try very hard to see it in that light if I were in your shoes.

 

You could also use this difficult situation as an opportunity to shower him with cards and letters and phone calls, not just from you and your husband but from his brothers and sisters as well. I've read many accounts through history where separations demanded folks to correspond more, which then provided a written record and testimony of the affection they had for one another (I'm thinking of wartime separations right now, but I'm sure there are many other kinds where being apart forced people to write to each other.) There are so many ways to keep in touch now to ease the pain of being apart from loved ones. I know, it's not your first choice, but there is at least a little consolation in that, I hope.

 

I can't remember now when you said you would be moving, but there is still the possibility that he may change his mind before you even move, right? Can't remember when the move is actually planned. Also, there is still time for God to work a miracle so that you do not have to move to FL after all. I will pray to that end. But, if it turns out that you must move and your son still wants to stay with his dad, then trust that God is still in control and He will work the whole situation for everyone's good. This is a great opportunity for you to demonstrate how much faith you have in the goodness of God and in His faithfulness and love.

 

In the meantime, pray, pray, pray and then leave it God's hands. He is good ALL the time and never asks us to do anything He does not give us the grace to do. Ask for His peace in this situation and then trust Him to work His will.

 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

 

:grouphug:

[cathmom]

Well, if you wouldn't be able to move until the summer anyway, then it's only two years. I think you can manage for 2 years. These aren't once-in-lifetime opportunities in FL. As you said to me, they will be there 2 years from now. And you could stay here and see what kind of job dh can get. You can always move to FL. But I think that your positive influence on your son's life for the next two years is important. Imagine if you moved and then he went in a more negative direction. You know that he would have less supervision with you not around in his daily life. You couldn't just decide to move back, and you can't make him move there. So, the consequences of going on your oldest dc could be extremely serious, and the consequences of not going is that you will most likely struggle financially for the next 2 years. After thinking about this all morning, and knowing all of you personally, I would stay.

[Erica in PA]

If I'm remembering DQ's previous posts correctly, they are having trouble meeting basic needs--warm housing, adequate nutrition, basic health care. True, her son will only be a minor for another three years, but those three years are critical building years for the minds and bodies of her youngest children.

 

I would be shocked to hear of any place in the US where a family with two able-bodied, hardworking parents, (and possible government assistance), could not provide for basic necessities. If I am wrong, then I will agree that there would be no choice. But I honestly have never heard of such a thing, myself. Even with one spouse working at McDonalds full time and the other part time, that would be enough for the bare minimum.

[MBH]

I don't understand - how is leaving him in a situation he is already in exposing him to evil? He already attends school. He already spends half his time with his Dad. I have no concerns about his wife taking care of him.

 

I do have concerns about not being able to influence him in person on a more regular basis, but that doesn't give me any power to take him anywhere.

 

When I said there is evil in this world, I was not referring to you or to your ex-husband. I am talking about temptations, and general evil that exists in this world. The Lord put us here on this earth to protect our children from evil in the world. I am not saying that your situation is evil, or that his biological father is evil. Your son is too young to fight evil in this world apart from you.

 

You mentioned that his biological father is a jerk. Is he really interested or capable of caring for your son the way you care for him? That's all I am saying.

 

I don't *like* his father's house or his father's choices (and in general he is a jerk;)), but it isn't terrible.