Judging the book by the cover

[sweetbaby]

We say and teach our children that it's wrong but seriously, when you REALLY think about it, do you judge someone based on their appearance?

 

Fess up :D

[DB in NJ]

We say and teach our children that it's wrong but seriously, when you REALLY think about it, do you judge someone based on their appearance?

 

Fess up :D

 

Yes, I do. But I always make a conscious effort to doubt my initial judgment and leave room for grace. I can't recall a single time when my first impression of a person was wrong -- regardless of how they looked. I've met people who look what would be largely considered "normal" but have -- based on their appearance -- judged them as either haughty, phony, full of themselves, what have you. Not blowing my own horn here, just stating the facts: I've never been wrong. But, after making that initial judgment, like I said, I leave room for grace and make allowances for actually being wrong. Just in case ;)

 

Hope this doesn't sound awful, but you asked for honest answers :)

[LaxMom]

OK, I voted Yes and find nothing wrong with it. But I will add this disclaimer: when I judge somebody based on their initial appearance, it is by factors that they choose to send a message about themselves as a person, not physical characteristics. Ergo, I may base my expectation of what a person is like on a vulgar t-shirt or that they are habitually snot-slinging drunk, waddling down the street enormously pregnant (sorry, neighbor trauma)... not because of their physical features.

 

Does that make sense?

[Happy]

When it comes to clothing, hair, and makeup, probably yes. Everything we wear (or don't wear ;)) says something about us. If you don't believe that, please name something that you wear that won't make a statement about something.

 

When my oldest son showed up with a young lady with seven piercings on her face, I had a hard time seeing past her 'mask.' They've been dating for several months now and I can see past it. Interestingly enough, just recently she quit wearing most of the jewerly because she figured out employers generally don't see past the mask.

 

Our clothing, whether well cared for or ripped and torn speaks volumes about our attention to those sorts of details.

 

As for are physical features...I'm a former professional photographer. I can take an ordinary someone like.... you over there in the corner...and make them look like a playboy bunny. The right makeup, hair, clothing, lighting, sets all come together. It was my JOB to find the beauty in every person I photographed, therefore I got used to seeing potential in people a long time ago.

[Joanne]

I have. However, I have found that as my own life fails to represent what people might assume, I judge by "appearance" less and less.

 

What people drive, wear, how they cut and style their hair and other pieces of information rarely translate accurately into any kind of assumption.

[beansprouts]

Of course I do, and I think those who say they don't aren't being honest ;)

 

I form impressions based on how a person dresses, talks, carries himself, and maintains personal hygiene. I also feel I can tell a lot from a handshake.

 

Likewise, I teach my children to present themselves well so they will earn respect from others.

Edited December 30, 2008 by beansprouts
grammer

[beansprouts]

I have. However, I have found that as my own life fails to represent what people might assume, I judge by "appearance" less and less.

 

What people drive, wear, how they cut and style their hair and other pieces of information rarely translate accurately into any kind of assumption.

 

I wasn't talking about personal "styles" as much as whether the person takes care of himself. For example if one of my boys wanted to grow his hair, all I would ask is that they keep it clean and neat. It shows self-respect.

Edited December 30, 2008 by beansprouts

[Plaid Dad]

But I will add this disclaimer: when I judge somebody based on their initial appearance, it is by factors that they choose to send a message about themselves as a person, not physical characteristics

 

I didn't vote, but :iagree: with this.

[Deece in MN]

I try very hard to not judge a person based on looks. People talk about what hairstyles, clothing, piercings, tattoos, etc. say about a person, but you have to be very careful with that. When you judge someone based on these things that judgment comes with your own personal biases.

 

I have been told that people with tattoos get them because they are looking for attention. If someone were to make that judgment about me because I have tattoos, they would be 100% wrong.

 

We treat people based on our judgments/assumptions of their appearances and that can be harmful if the judgments are incorrect. I really try very hard to treat people the way I would like to be treated regardless of what they look like because you just never know.

[Deece in MN]

When it comes to clothing, hair, and makeup, probably yes. Everything we wear (or don't wear ;)) says something about us. If you don't believe that, please name something that you wear that won't make a statement about something.

 

 

Ok, I am game. :)

See I don't completely agree with you so I am curious what you think my day to day clothing says.

I worked today so I have on brown pin-striped pants and a purple shirt. I wore my Mammoth Crocs (brown) and right now I have on a brown sweatshirt with snowmen on it because I am cold (it was a gift from my fil and I did not wear it to work).

What statement would I be making with this outfit? I am really curious because I don't think I am making any kind of statement.

 

Oh, just for the record, if I didn't work today I would be wearing jeans instead of the brown pants because I would be saving the brown pants for wearing to work. I would still wear the same shirt and sweatshirt regardless.

[sweetbaby]

I always make a conscious effort to doubt my initial judgment and leave room for grace. I can't recall a single time when my first impression of a person was wrong -- regardless of how they looked. I've met people who look what would be largely considered "normal" but have -- based on their appearance -- judged them as either haughty, phony, full of themselves, what have you. Not blowing my own horn here, just stating the facts: I've never been wrong. But, after making that initial judgment, like I said, I leave room for grace and make allowances for actually being wrong. Just in case ;)

 

 

Guilty of this also. I've have been wrong, however. I've met some "outrageous" looking people if you are going against the norm and they were the sweetest, most compassionate and intelligent people that I had the pleasure of meeting. Now, I'm too afraid of judging outward appearances but I am guilty of judging you by the first words out of your mouth. :lol: Is that any better?:blushing:

[yslek]

oops! I should have read what you meant. :tongue_smilie:

 

I voted as if talking about actual books, not "books" as in "people". I try not to judge them by outward appearances, but sometimes do, and feel guilty about it. (That's how I should have voted.)

 

I DO judge (mostly children's) books by their cover & feel OK about it (ever since a librarian friend confided that her experience was that books typically can be judged by their covers! :lol:)

 

I know I'm grateful when people reserve their judgement of me until they have a chance to get to know me a bit (this can take a while). I try to do the same for others, though not always successfully.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Initially I do judge people by their appearances. For many encounters this is the only thing I have to go on. In most cases it doesn't matter what the person's character might be like but if I'm going down a dark alley - I'm going to definitely not go down the alley with the "hood" type person standing there.

 

In other encounters - the kind where I talk to people and see them more than once, I might have made a snap judgment but it doesn't affect how I interact with them because I try to treat everyone with dignity and respect. And as I do that, many people do surprise me as I start to find out what is behind that cover. Sometimes that surprise is a good one - sometimes it is a nasty one.

[TammyinTN]

I definitely use to be the person to judge people by how they looked. But by being in the military family I've learned to be very open minded. I would of missed out on some awesome friends if I had continued to be that person. I'm so glad I learned to look past what people look like/dress like and what car they drive to get to the root of that person. :D

[elegantlion]

I don't judge on appearance as much as body language. I work not to judge at all on what someone is wearing, cultural norms for dress are so different based upon what circles your run in.

[Jenny in Atl]

 

What people drive, wear, how they cut and style their hair and other pieces of information rarely translate accurately into any kind of assumption.

 

:iagree:

Very well said.

[TN Mama]

When it comes to clothing, hair, and makeup, probably yes. Everything we wear (or don't wear ;)) says something about us. If you don't believe that, please name something that you wear that won't make a statement about something.

 

 

 

While I used to agree with the above I had an experience a few years ago that really changed how I think. I was in Sunday School class with a woman who dressed very "young" and actually, IMO, not very appropriate for church (or many other places). Her skirts were short, she wore lots of makeup, big hair, big shoes, etc. But for some reason we clicked. She was very kind and thought of others before herself and something told me the inside didn't match up with the outside, but I couldn't figure it out. There is so much more to the story, but in the very sad end it was discovered (after his death) that her husband was not a very nice person. She didn't want to dress that way or wear her hair/makeup the way she'd been wearing it, but was "made" to dress for him.

 

Sometimes in a second I will start to judge someone based on how they look and in that same second I remind myself that I do not know them, or their story. I have no idea what is going on in their lives.

[DB in NJ]

I have. However, I have found that as my own life fails to represent what people might assume, I judge by "appearance" less and less.

 

What people drive, wear, how they cut and style their hair and other pieces of information rarely translate accurately into any kind of assumption.

 

I think that what people drive, wear, how they cut and style their hair, etc. DOES say something about them. The error, usually, is in the interpretation (the looker so to speak). But how you present yourself -- well, it's all an outward expression of your inward self. What people make of it may be right or wrong, but those things DO give insight into each individual.

[Blessedfamily]

When I meet someone, and take in their appearance a question mark (?) pops into my head. Kinda putting things on hold. I just don't know what to think.

 

Then, if I have some interaction with them, or make further observations, the question mark starts turning into periods. Meaning, I start forming opinions(right or wrong).

 

I guess I'm just slow.:confused:

[Tree House Academy]

I voted "yes and I see nothing wrong with it." But I have to say it is never just on physical appearance. I dont' see someone walking down the road as I drive by and form an opinion of them. There is a "total package" there.

 

When you posted this, I thought of seeing someone who smelled bad, didn't take care of themselves, and had 5 children who weren't clean and were stealing food off a buffet table. There are LOTS of opinions that can be formed there. However, someone who is clean, normal in appearance, etc. I think it takes much more than "looks" to form an opinion. You have to watch them interact with those around them, etc.

 

I guess my answer would have been "Yes and no, depending on the situation."

[Storm Bay]

I don't judge on appearance as much as body language. I work not to judge at all on what someone is wearing, cultural norms for dress are so different based upon what circles your run in.

 

 

This is what I do. And not just cultural differences. There are different reasons why someone might not spend much time on their hair, etc, and not all of it is indifference. But body language, etc, is usually a pretty good indicator. I've learned, though, that some people send body language that doesn't match who they are. But I can tell someone who has come from Africa as a teen or an adult from an African American in a heartbeat by body language and mannerisms which are culture specific. I'm one who tends to adapt to where I am, perhaps because I grew up in 3 different countries.

 

However, I try very carefully now not to assume why someone is the way s/he is, because I've learned that one set of outward symptoms of personality or behaviour can have multiple causes. This has come from nearly 5 decades of experience and didn't come easily to me as I am a very visual person with strong senses and was easily turned off by sight, smell, clothing, etc. But I grew up misunderstood by my family (to this day, as much as I love them, they don't usually "get" me), so I've worked hard to understand people the best I can and to try and see things from others' points of view. This last thing is easier to do when I'm not upset with someone, of course. But it's amazing how much more I "get" people now than I used to, and I definitely now have far more understanding of what makes people tick than the very popular, social IQ bright people in my family. This doesn't mean that I like everybody, of course, but I'm not nearly as harsh on people in my mind as I used to be even though I have strong opinions on just about everything!

 

As for usually being right on my first assessment, while that has often been the case, sometimes I have found that expecting myself to be right in my initial judgements has made it more difficult to see if I've been wrong. And I still remember, years ago, trying to figure out why a woman with what I considered a trashy, cheap haircut could write such brilliant, intelligent articles. Of course, I'd never met her, but that's one example of how I would judge people by appearance.

Edited December 30, 2008 by Karin

[Jugglin'5]

OK, I voted Yes and find nothing wrong with it. But I will add this disclaimer: when I judge somebody based on their initial appearance, it is by factors that they choose to send a message about themselves as a person, not physical characteristics..

 

 

:iagree:

[OnTheBrink]

I think that what people drive, wear, how they cut and style their hair, etc. DOES say something about them. The error, usually, is in the interpretation (the looker so to speak). But how you present yourself -- well, it's all an outward expression of your inward self. What people make of it may be right or wrong, but those things DO give insight into each individual.

 

:iagree:

[lionfamily1999]

I don't, and have found it to be to my detriment at times. My experiences as a child and teen, showed me the injustice of such treatment. I assume the best. I believe people at their word until given great reason not to do so. This has put me into bad situations at times, and led me to know incredible people at others.

[lionfamily1999]

Of course I do, and I think those who say they don't aren't being honest ;)

 

I form impressions based on how a person dresses, talks, carries himself, and maintains personal hygiene. I also feel I can tell a lot from a handshake.

 

Likewise, I teach my children to present themselves well so they will earn respect from others.

Lol, but there are some of us that don't ;)

 

I have been in situations where my outward appearance was the best of a bad situation. I have been smelly and dirty, I have worn torn clothes, ill fitting clothes and clothes with vulgar slogans. Beggars can't be choosers.

 

I have known low people who dressed well, smelled good, and appeared to be high class. In reality, they were base and crude.

 

My assumption of the best in people comes directly from personal experience. I assume people tell the truth, I assume they mean well, and I assume their motives and reasons are good. I would rather err in that manner than otherwise.

[Valerie in Chicago]

I think it's natural to do so, even a little bit, when you first encounter someone. You need somewhere to start, but hopefully you don't slam the door shut on learning more. (e.g.: I learned from teaching high school that the "goth" kids were usually the nicest).

 

My sister is a cop, so she does it immediately and constantly, then allows the person time to tell their side before making a judgement call. And she has an amazingly accurate judge of character.

[Crissy]

Yes, I do. Usually with young men. If they are dressed in a particular manner, and carry themselves in a certain way, my automatic reaction is to be intimidated by them.

 

And I almost always feel guilty about it.

 

 

 

 

P.S. I also judge books by their covers. I refuse to read a book that sport a movie scene cover. :D

[LaxMom]

 

My sister is a cop, so she does it immediately and constantly, then allows the person time to tell their side before making a judgement call. And she has an amazingly accurate judge of character.

 

Exactly. I don't necessarily act on my initial, momentary judgment but I take in and interpret the message being sent. As with any communication, sometimes the receiver is faulty. Obviously, if my one-look assessment came up with "danger! danger! knife!" I likely wouldn't be waiting to see whether I was accurate. But, generally, the assessment only sets an expectation in my mind about what this person is like, much the same way we form a visual image of people we "meet" first on the phone or assign visual/vocal characteristics of people we chat with online.

 

Obviously, all of those would be overwritten by in-person interaction.

[Desert Rat]

Some of my best friends are people that look like bikers or punks or hippies. I used to dress punk rock and in college was very hippie-like. I try so hard not to judge people by their appearance. It really isn't fair and I love the saying that there are no strangers only friends I haven't met. When you exclude people automatically because of how they look, you're really limiting yourself.

Just my 2 pennies.

[ChristusG]

I would think that it is sort of an "automatic" reaction to form some sort of opinion about a person we've never met before. I mean, we have to look at them and think something....not just some blank stare. That opinion may not always be correct if we're able to get to know the person though.

 

I mean, if I saw some dude swaggering down the street, being loud, saying crude things, etc.....my mind would probably automatically think something along the lines of "he seems very obnoxious." Honestly, I dont know how I would train myself not to automatically think something like that. I dont think I could look at him and say "he's a clean slate...I dont know him, I dont know what he's like." However, I CAN choose not to base my outward actions on that initial thought. I wouldn't treat him any differently. And I would make a conscious effort to look for other traits in him that could change my first impression of him.

 

Like someone else mentioned, you are in control of some of the signals that you send to other people.

[Storm Bay]

Some of my best friends are people that look like bikers or punks or hippies. I used to dress punk rock and in college was very hippie-like. I try so hard not to judge people by their appearance. It really isn't fair and I love the saying that there are no strangers only friends I haven't met. When you exclude people automatically because of how they look, you're really limiting yourself.

Just my 2 pennies.

 

And I've found over the years that many people break the stereotypes. I was friends with a plumber and his wife; he was taking philosophy classes at my alma mater for fun. Truck drivers are a great group for being diverse. I've met truck drivers who were former musicians in Hollywood, air traffic controllers in the military, you name it (okay, I haven't met any former lawyers or doctors driving trucks, but I wouldn't be shocked if I did), etc. I just got a great lead on an text about counterpoint (one of the ones JS Bach learned from) from a far-out dressed, afro wearing musician who plays some kind of popular music. I find that how I treat and talk with people makes an enormous difference in what I glean from them. Sure, there are crass, rude longhaul truck drivers out there somewhere, but you can't tell much about them just by their occupation alone. Then there's my bil who wanted to be an aeronautics engineer, but after 2 years got tired of all the theory and decided, for no major reason, to become a doctor, and he's a very good one, well liked (very popular--he's supposed to be part time, but that stopped years ago due to his doctoring reputation.)

 

Last night I was watching Frasier (find many of the episodes funny) and they showed the episode from the 2000 New Year. Frasier decides to reconnect with the common man. He sits by a guy in a Red Box restaurant (are they real or fictitious?), asks to buy him a coffee and says that he thinks the farmer looks like a farmer based on his clothes. In essence, the farmer agrees he is one, but says that he's a beautiful, complicated person and that Frasier would never get into his head over one cup of coffee. Funny, but I loved the point behind it.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

When I was younger (late teens-mid twenties) this was something I did because I thought I knew what people were generally like based on how they presented themselves to the world. I wanted to be thought of as someone who had it altogether, had maybe some money, was in the more "in" group, and presented themselves as people who had the world by the tail in some respects. I wanted to appear a certain way, so I choose people who appeared that way too.

 

Thank God, I didn't stay there for too long! I have found that people who judge based on outward appearances only, aren't the type of people I really want in my life. Outward apprearances change. Dramatically. Those same people who I was friends with at this time, wouldn't be friends with me now. I can tell you that!

 

I am blessed to have people from every walk of life as a friend. If all of my friends were in the same room and you walked into that room and tried to guess what I was like based on how they "seemed" to you, you would be thinking I had multiple personalities or really didn't know who I was. That would be a lie.

 

I know enough about me to know that it takes all kinds of people to speak into my life to make the person that I am. It takes all kinds of views to make my worldview strong and solid. It takes that diverse group to make me confident in myself. I'm grateful that I'm not needing to learn that forever. God has been good to me!:001_smile: