Figuring out how to dream, what you want

[TexasProud]

Finally have some time to think. Whew.  Last few weeks were crazy, but I am not sorry I did any of it.  In fact, rather glad I did:

We had a blast with my mother-in-law in the RV going to Indiana.  So many fun memories like watching her catch the "throwed roll."  Loved seeing my daughter doing what she loves and getting paid for it for the first time.  Just really fun. 

Was glad we went to the funeral. Heard some wonderful stories. Felt meaningful to give the gift of presence.

I just had so much fun at one of my husband's best friends 60th birthday party.  We brought a photo album from high school as well as a special trip the two of them took in college.  I haven't seen my husband laugh and smile and have a good time like that in a long time.

I am glad I took my step-father to the little ranch for a few days.  He has told me, texted me, and called me to tell me how much it meant to him to get out of the assisted living place for a few days.  LOL, we were the only people from Texas there. I met several families/couples from England, Australia, and Germany.  They were all there to get the "authentic" Texas experience complete with feeding Longhorns, taking a trail ride, and shooting clay targets.  It was relaxing from me.

 

Ok, now to the question. My husband would gladly move heaven and earth for me to do what I want... if I knew what that was.  When I wanted to go to seminary, he proofread every paper for me, moved his schedule around for me, kept me from quitting when I was caring for my mom (this is important to you, don't give it up) etc. But I don't know what I want.

I really like a lot of Cal Newport's stuff. One thing that resonates with me is that many people make a mistake by making a grand goal to be the point of their life. Instead you should do more lifestyle-centric planning. What type of place do you want to live in? Location? City that is easily walkable. Country? What do you want to be doing? What about family?   Several other planning/productivity type people do something similar: What is your ideal day? Your ideal week? Your ideal year? Ideal job? 

I struggle with this.  For one thing, I guess I am not a dreamer, more like a make a plan for what you have kind of person.  For example, as a little girl/ young adult I never dreamed about what my wedding would be like. I didn't think about it until my husband proposed.  Seems like my daughter, my future dil have Pinterest boards full of dreams. In my day, my friends had tons of bridal magazines.  Yeah, never interested me. 

And any "dream" I have, I tend to think of what I don't like or why it won't work.  This is great about it, but this is what I don't/wouldn't like.  And so many things that I like are contradictory. I like both this and that but they are not compatible. Really, you cannot have both.  How do I know which I want more? 

I just feel like I have spent the last 60 years sort of drifting and I want to make sure my few remaining years are spent the way I want them to be spent. That I am happy and fulfilled when life is over.  But I don't know what that is.

I am doing as Cal Newport suggests and have a dedicated notebook to this subject and writing down things that resonate with me from movies ( though again, that isn't realistic), or just my own thoughts about it. 

[KSera]

From reading this post, it sounds like what really brings you joy is spending time with family and friends. If I were you, I’d focus on that. 

[fairfarmhand]

Instead of picking apart a dream, why not just try the thing? Short term commitment kind of stuff.

[AmandaVT]

I think some people have a "thing" - whether it's a calling, or a dream they feel compelled to fulfill (Olympians!) or something else that's a concrete "thing" that brings meaning to their lives. I think others (if I had to guess, most people) have smaller "things" that can be just as meaningful but aren't one overarching calling. 

I like my job fine. I'm good at it, and I enjoy it enough to keep doing it. But if I were suddenly wealthy and didn't need to work, I'd give my two weeks' notice immediately. I have been a special educator and enjoy it, but unlike some, I don't feel like it's my "calling." Instead, I pull meaning from smaller things in the day-to-day. I got to talk to my favorite auntie on the phone this morning - the highlight of my day so far! My son and I have been doing driving practice and spending time together, which has been wonderful. I had some alone time and listened to a podcast while working on a puzzle and then read outside in the sun - amazing! I will have clean sheets and blankets on my bed in a bit because I've been doing laundry this morning. I went to a very meaningful professional development last week, met some new people, and learned a lot. I'm so glad I did. None of those are big "things," but they added up to a week that made me feel like I had a nice mix of alone time and time with people. Time to do what I wanted and time to learn a bit. That's what resonates with me. It doesn't have to be a "thing." 

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, KSera said:

From reading this post, it sounds like what really brings you joy is spending time with family and friends. If I were you, I’d focus on that. 

LOL my whole life has been focused on helping others.  I guess that is ok.  I know one thing I wrote down in my notebook is having freedom.  All of those things were choices. I could have said no.  When things feel like a duty, I don't want to do them.  So many things have been duties in my life. I want fun and freedom.  I know that. 

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Instead of picking apart a dream, why not just try the thing? Short term commitment kind of stuff.

Yes, I totally agree.  But some stuff would be super hard to try without upending life and so in a way I need to be sure I want to do a thing before I ask to totally upend our life if that makes sense. 

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

I think some people have a "thing" - whether it's a calling, or a dream they feel compelled to fulfill (Olympians!) or something else that's a concrete "thing" that brings meaning to their lives. I think others (if I had to guess, most people) have smaller "things" that can be just as meaningful but aren't one overarching calling. 

I like my job fine. I'm good at it, and I enjoy it enough to keep doing it. But if I were suddenly wealthy and didn't need to work, I'd give my two weeks' notice immediately. I have been a special educator and enjoy it, but unlike some, I don't feel like it's my "calling." Instead, I pull meaning from smaller things in the day-to-day. I got to talk to my favorite auntie on the phone this morning - the highlight of my day so far! My son and I have been doing driving practice and spending time together, which has been wonderful. I had some alone time and listened to a podcast while working on a puzzle and then read outside in the sun - amazing! I will have clean sheets and blankets on my bed in a bit because I've been doing laundry this morning. I went to a very meaningful professional development last week, met some new people, and learned a lot. I'm so glad I did. None of those are big "things," but they added up to a week that made me feel like I had a nice mix of alone time and time with people. Time to do what I wanted and time to learn a bit. That's what resonates with me. It doesn't have to be a "thing." 

Yes, this lifestyle centric thing isn't about a thing.  And that is the thing, I don't need to work.  I can do whatever I want and I feel aimless in a way. 

[TexasProud]

And I am not spiriling today.  I am in quite a good mood.  Have gotten quite a bit done. Will take a nap. Went to Half Price books yesterday on my way home from dropping off my step-dad and got 10 fiction books.  I am starting with the first Masie Dobbs.   Just musing and I am an outward processer, so thanks everyone. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Why don’t you start by making a list of everything you can think of that you have ever really enjoyed?  Maybe that will either broaden your idea for what you could do locally or form a noticeable pattern that guides your next steps.

Sometimes just adding something in that can be enjoyable to anticipate can make a big difference in your joy in life.  And sometimes a pattern of wishes leads to a whole sale change.

I have always loved the idea of living in a lighthouse building, with great windows, a great view, and a spiral staircase up the middle.  But guess what?  They only build lighthouses in places with really bad weather and really dangerous water and lots of cold wind.  And generally they are paired with warning horns that sound all night.  Those are quite undesirable to me.  But maybe someday I will have a house with a tower on one corner with a decent view.  If I ever build a house, that’s going to be something I include.  If I hadn’t visited a bunch lighthouses and realized that they are NEVER where I want to live, I would not have figured out that a tower room with a view would satisfy that particular urge better than a lighthouse would.  That’s a trivial, silly example but it does illustrate the process.

[KSera]

14 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL my whole life has been focused on helping others.  I guess that is ok.  I know one thing I wrote down in my notebook is having freedom.  All of those things were choices. I could have said no.  When things feel like a duty, I don't want to do them.  So many things have been duties in my life. I want fun and freedom.  I know that. 

I didn’t say anything about helping others, I just said spending time with family and friends. You mention you need to figure it out first before you “upend your life”, but I don’t see why you would need to upend your life to be happy. I’m just suggesting you do those things that bring you joy. Spend time with people. Less focus on accomplishing some Big Thing and more on just enjoying your people. 

[marbel]

@AmandaVT Your post really hit me in a good way. "Small things" are my life right now, and for the most part, it's so good! Having time to spend alone reading, crafting, puttering in the yard, walking, is such a tonic for me after working, homeschooling, then working again. I have good relationships with my adult kids, a small group of long-distance friends, a good husband. Really I have it all. 

One thing I have lacked and am working on is beauty in my surroundings. I have a messy family and a small house, but I am working on it. I'm setting up a little space in our yard that is just for me, surrounded by plants and including some tealight candles. So are the kinds of things that bring me joy and I am content. 

Of course this might not resonate with OP at all, I get that we are all different. But wow, living a calm quiet life is really working for me right now! 

OP, I wonder if you feel you have to do some big thing to leave a legacy of sorts? You have often commented that it bothers you that no one will remember you when you are gone. My memory will end with my kids (grandkids if I have them) but that's how it is with most people, is it not? 

[Clarita]

Dreams don't have to be achieved and therefore there is zero reason to evaluate them at all.

So as a teenager I had many dreams, international pop star, inventor and figure skater. I was never going to achieve all of those. What happened is I made little goals that meandered me toward these dreams. So try to get piano, dance, ice skating lessons, make sure I did math in school and get decent grades. As I pursued the goals, the picture got clearer and some dreams no longer were my dreams. Honestly, I didn't even realized I achieved one of my dreams until I was past achieving it. Those little goals of do my math, apply to college, go to class, make a resume, apply for jobs and showing up to work (etc.) eventually brought me there, but it didn't start with the goal of becoming an inventor. 

Also not every goal requires anyone to do a whole lot. The list of goals I stated above is a super simplified list because the reality is most of it looked more like finish Calc 1 homework by Friday, write email to operations team to get information, get up in the morning to get to class on time, etc. That is the day to day. Then one day you wake up and someone tells you, you did achieve your dreams and you are shocked by this revelation.

 

[TexasProud]

51 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Why don’t you start by making a list of everything you can think of that you have ever really enjoyed?  Maybe that will either broaden your idea for what you could do locally or form a noticeable pattern that guides your next steps.

Sometimes just adding something in that can be enjoyable to anticipate can make a big difference in your joy in life.  And sometimes a pattern of wishes leads to a whole sale change.

I have always loved the idea of living in a lighthouse building, with great windows, a great view, and a spiral staircase up the middle.  But guess what?  They only build lighthouses in places with really bad weather and really dangerous water and lots of cold wind.  And generally they are paired with warning horns that sound all night.  Those are quite undesirable to me.  But maybe someday I will have a house with a tower on one corner with a decent view.  If I ever build a house, that’s going to be something I include.  If I hadn’t visited a bunch lighthouses and realized that they are NEVER where I want to live, I would not have figured out that a tower room with a view would satisfy that particular urge better than a lighthouse would.  That’s a trivial, silly example but it does illustrate the process.

I really, really like this idea.  Not a silly example at all.  Loved it.  Will definitely try this in the next couple of days.  

47 minutes ago, KSera said:

I didn’t say anything about helping others, I just said spending time with family and friends. You mention you need to figure it out first before you “upend your life”, but I don’t see why you would need to upend your life to be happy. I’m just suggesting you do those things that bring you joy. Spend time with people. Less focus on accomplishing some Big Thing and more on just enjoying your people. 

Ah... but it was all about helping others:

• supporting my daughter and making sure she knows we have her back and we are proud of her. 
• Allowing my MIL to take a trip and for her and my daughter to spend time together
• To support my friends
• My husband has very, very few close friends as in this is one of two.  We have only seen him once since Covid.  I wanted my husband to have a good time even if I don't have the same memories
• This one almost felt like a chore, but not quite.  I don't see or talk to my step-dad much...  I hesitate to even call him step-dad because he and my mom married after I was married.  But he and mom loved to travel and were never home and always on the road.  He cannot travel by himself and even on the trip he had some memory issues. But I did it for my mom (even though she is no longer with us).

But I was proud of myself because I actually DID enjoy my time at these things.  Most of the time I don't know how to act if I am not in charge of an event or doing something.  I get bored pretty easily and don't know how to talk to people anymore. But I was actually able to carry on some long conversations and actually enjoy them.  That hasn't happened in a long time.  I honestly don't know that I ever enjoyed being a parent. It was just a long list of things I needed to do. I have never known how to just "enjoy my people." 

But accomplishing things on my own brings me joy and satisfaction.  Spending my whole life just visiting people would not completely bring me joy.  I would begin to resent the time.  

As far as upending your life.  Well, watching my daughter over the last year or so, and especially on this trip, has made me realize how much I miss doing theater.  Her castmates were like, was your mom in the front row?  She had the biggest grin on her face the entire show.  They were playing to me.  It was super fun.  I would love to do some musicals in community theater around here.  But honestly, to do that, I would need to go volunteer at the places doing outside stuff first probably, graduate to chorus roles then maybe get a smaller or character role.  I could not expect to audition for a show and just get it out of the gate.  And I would need to spend some time really strengthening my vocal muscles.  And seeing if my memory could handle memorizing lines anymore. ( I had a hard time memorizing scripture word for word for a few classes.  I can paraphrase, but getting every the, and, very specific words.... I couldn't do that for long passages.)  Anyway, we are not in town enough now even if by some miracle I could audition and actually get something.  We are not here 8 weeks in a row.  This time of me being home from now until the end of August is the longest I have been home at one time since.... I don't know when.  Before Covid maybe.  So yeah, do I upend my life for something I am not even sure I can do anymore? 

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I just feel like I have spent the last 60 years sort of drifting

Were you busy doing things you felt were valuable? Or do you feel like what you did somehow doesn't measure up because of what you read in a book by some man?? When you put Cal Newport, I was thinking Cal Thomas and googled to see if he was dead yet. This Cal Newport is some young whippersnapper, likely to change his tune, and CERTAINLY without the years of experience to look back on what was really valuable. And he's never done anything you've done. 😉 

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

My husband would gladly move heaven and earth for me to do what I want... if I knew what that was. 

This is precious!!! My dh is generous with me like this too. 

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

For example, as a little girl/ young adult I never dreamed about what my wedding would be like.

Yup. I wonder if it's personality, because we have the ability to go into a situation and size it up and make a good assessment and make it happen. Did you like your wedding and was it fine or did it fall apart or fail to make you smile? I LOVED my wedding, even without pinterest boards and years of planning. I didn't need that, because I'm perfectly capable of walking up to the moment, seeing the options. weighing my values, and making a decision.

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

And any "dream" I have, I tend to think of what I don't like or why it won't work.  This is great about it, but this is what I don't/wouldn't like.  And so many things that I like are contradictory. I like both this and that but they are not compatible. Really, you cannot have both.  How do I know which I want more? 

I think you've had some threads on anxiety, right? Trying any new thing or new adventure brings anxiety. You just walk up to it and make a choice and do it, at which point you usually find a way through the feelings, sometimes by gripping and holding on really tight. 🤣 

Instead of saying which you want more, why not make a list and then say which you'd like to start FIRST? 🙂 

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I am doing as Cal Newport suggests and have a dedicated notebook to this subject and writing down things that resonate with me from movies ( though again, that isn't realistic), or just my own thoughts about it. 

I keep a pinterest board of vacation ideas, quilt ideas, etc, but I never look at these boards. I actually do it as a way to dump my thoughts and let them percolate. Then in the moment, when I have the nexus of time and funds, I make a choice, going with the thing I REMEMBER. If I don't remember it, was it really that important to me or was it easily forgotten? That's how I decide. 🙂

I do this all the time with projects. I research really hard, crazy indepth, then I WALK AWAY. I come back to it fresh a week or a month later and then I make my choice based on what has percolated to the top of my mind. 

Fwiw, I do keep a running list mentally of work I'd like to do someday. You're saying dreams, but I'm suggesting in my mind I think of it as work. I think we all have something valuable to contribute to the world and it's a matter of waking up and knowing what that is. It could be a smile or a letter or sewing or baking or typical paid work or whatever. So to me, as a woman maybe a few years behind you, I'm trying to be busy doing something. 

Maybe I just don't have that OH WOW I HIT 60 AND LIFE IS SHORT thing going on? Or maybe I do. My body seems to be caving in a bit, so I have this sense of urgency to do things I might not be able to do later. Sure I have that. But I can't change time or finances to do MORE than I can do in a given moment, lol. So I go back to my point that I just keep busy doing what I can and letting it be good enough.

I hang with a number of people who are on the other side of things, the downward slide, and I don't find they have a lot of wistfulness. I read these memes on FB people post about how important this or that is and what you'll regret and I just don't think they're true. What would you REGRET if you didn't do it? Me, almost nothing. I want to do what I can and have fun with my son while I can, sure. But if I didn't get to do those things, I would not sit on my deathbed crying over them, mercy. Now if I never read the Bible to my ds, THAT I would regret. But the rest is all just bonus and staying busy either having a good time or doing things I think are worthwhile or both. 

Maybe instead of dreams list out what you think would be IMPORTANT for you to do? 🙂

Edited July 20 by PeterPan

[PeterPan]

42 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

but it was all about helping others:

...

But I was proud of myself because I actually DID enjoy my time at these things. 

There you go!! And when I did career testing on myself a while back, it turned out that there were fancy words and jobs and careers for people who function like that. It's how I got into some volunteer work I'm very much suited to. I joke it keeps me out of trouble, haha. 

I'm a very easy person, and maybe you are in a way. I could live lots of places and be happy, in almost any style of house and be happy, etc. But I do like to have meaning to my day, a reason to wake up, a plan, something of value I'm doing, some connection. I also like routines and predictability, so I tend to look for that even in my adventures. But to say wow I need to figure out what type of house I need to be happy, that just isn't me. My soul is content and my plan is to grow where I'm planted. 

Now if the question was MOVING, sure I could sort that out and have fun with it. Is that on the table for you? 

I don't think contentment and working hard are non-goals. They're the epitomy of what creates stability and peace, the quiet place of home.

[PeterPan]

48 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I would love to do some musicals in community theater around here.  But honestly, to do that, I would need to go volunteer at the places doing outside stuff first probably, graduate to chorus roles then maybe get a smaller or character role.  I could not expect to audition for a show and just get it out of the gate.  And I would need to spend some time really strengthening my vocal muscles.  And seeing if my memory could handle memorizing lines anymore. ( I had a hard time memorizing scripture word for word for a few classes.  I can paraphrase, but getting every the, and, very specific words.... I couldn't do that for long passages.)  Anyway, we are not in town enough now even if by some miracle I could audition and actually get something.  We are not here 8 weeks in a row.  This time of me being home from now until the end of August is the longest I have been home at one time since.... I don't know when.  Before Covid maybe.  So yeah, do I upend my life for something I am not even sure I can do anymore? 

Does it have to be theatre? Or could you reframe it and say you've identified a skill in yourself and ask how you could use it in the lifestyle you currently have? Are there more ways to use your skills?

[marbel]

If you felt your traveling lifestyle does not allow you to start a "career" in musical theater, what about being a musical theater supporter? Go to shows whenever you can and where ever you are, support a local troupe financially, attend fundraisers - maybe even help organize one - that sort of thing. It's not the same as being a participant in an actual play, I know, but if you can't manage the time commitments, then you can't. Or at least, you can't for now. Who knows how things may change in the next few years? 

You could also work on your memorization and voice skills for the pleasure/accomplishment of it, even if you aren't going to jump into theater right now. I mean, why not?

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

Were you busy doing things you felt were valuable? Or do you feel like what you did somehow doesn't measure up because of what you read in a book by some man?? When you put Cal Newport, I was thinking Cal Thomas and googled to see if he was dead yet. This Cal Newport is some young whippersnapper, likely to change his tune, and CERTAINLY without the years of experience to look back on what was really valuable. And he's never done anything you've done. 😉 

 

Ok, you have obviously not read or listened to anything by him.  Yes, he is younger than I am, but that doesn't mean you obviously dismiss him.  It isn't a matter of measuring up.  I like him because he is about YOU figuring out what lifestyle YOU want.  He never, ever says anything about one being better than the other. In fact, in his latest podcast he talked about how people who tend to have this one big overwhelming goal, usually career based, and focus their life only on that suffer.  He says you should have goals in all of your buckets and though one may take precedence for a season, it shouldn't be a permanent one.  I would have to go back and look at his buckets, though I think he would be fine if you chose different ones. Work. Family. Serving community. Fun/Hobby.  Spirituality though he doesn't call it that.  Not sure what if any religion he follows. 

He has also been talking about the importance of quieting your mind as in not being on your phone or having tv on or in your ears.  That all of this technology has prevented us from being ok with being alone with our thoughts.   Being alone with our own thoughts allows us to really process problems or our lives.  Instead, the minute we are bored we pick up a phone or listen to a podcast or turn on the tv.  He is NOT anti-technology.  He is a computer science professor after all, but he does believe we need to be careful about what technology we use. 

He would probably say he HAS changed his tune on some stuff as that is a part of being an adult.  He is always examining his life. I really like his principles and think he has some good things to say.  Not because he is a man, but because he a thoughtful person.  For those not familiar with him, he has written Deep Work, Digital Minimalism, and Slow Productivity.  

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

There you go!! And when I did career testing on myself a while back, it turned out that there were fancy words and jobs and careers for people who function like that. It's how I got into some volunteer work I'm very much suited to. I joke it keeps me out of trouble, haha. 

I'm a very easy person, and maybe you are in a way. I could live lots of places and be happy, in almost any style of house and be happy, etc. But I do like to have meaning to my day, a reason to wake up, a plan, something of value I'm doing, some connection. I also like routines and predictability, so I tend to look for that even in my adventures. But to say wow I need to figure out what type of house I need to be happy, that just isn't me. My soul is content and my plan is to grow where I'm planted. 

Now if the question was MOVING, sure I could sort that out and have fun with it. Is that on the table for you? 

I don't think contentment and working hard are non-goals. They're the epitomy of what creates stability and peace, the quiet place of home.

No moving is not on the table. DH has already said he is going from here to the grave. He loves this place. I pray for our children's sake that he has a heart attack or massive stroke that kills him one day when he is out working.  He will not discuss the fact that we might not be able to stay in this place as we get older.  We will see.

I will write this down in my notebook. But home has a bad connotation for me, and I know it is from childhood.  Happiness was associated with church youth group, choir practice, drama practice, etc.  Those were safe places.  Home with my husband has always been safe, but it has been isolating. I do much better mentally and emotionally when I am out of the house for a certain amount of time each day. (And that is true whether he is here or overseas. Has nothing to do with him.)  However, that said I want to have a community that I am a part of with people who love me who if hubby drops dead or child has a debilitating illness will pick up the slack, bring a meal, and rush in to help us.  

[Ottakee]

Likely you, like many women, have spent most of your life doing for other people, making sure things went well for them and they were well cared for, etc.

 it can then be a hard switch to see what you like….when there is no ones else’s preferences or wishes to put ahead of yours.

I traveled with 2 friends in Italy and it was amazing as we were all low key and all got to do what we wanted and didn’t have to take care of anyone else.

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

If you felt your traveling lifestyle does not allow you to start a "career" in musical theater, what about being a musical theater supporter? Go to shows whenever you can and where ever you are, support a local troupe financially, attend fundraisers - maybe even help organize one - that sort of thing. It's not the same as being a participant in an actual play, I know, but if you can't manage the time commitments, then you can't. Or at least, you can't for now. Who knows how things may change in the next few years? 

You could also work on your memorization and voice skills for the pleasure/accomplishment of it, even if you aren't going to jump into theater right now. I mean, why not?

Yes, I already do those things ( not organizing a fundraiser but everything else.)  Wherever we travel we go to shows.  Going to several of our Shakespeare Festival performances this month.   

I know I should do that.  I just struggle if there is no outside deadline.  Plus, so I get into a good schedule and do it between now and Sept 1.  But then we are taking a 5 week RV trip to Utah, so not sure how or where I practice singing that doesn't disturb other campers. Then home for a few weeks, though going somewhere for a long weekend for a fundraiser I am helping to organize.  Then ten days helping to lead a mission trip.  Then home for a week or two.  Then Thanksgiving.  Then a mission conference. Then home for a few weeks. Then Christmas. Then our son's wedding. Then Kenya for 3 to 4 weeks.

I just cannot figure out how to get myself to practice on a regular basis with all of that going on. 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Likely you, like many women, have spent most of your life doing for other people, making sure things went well for them and they were well cared for, etc.

 it can then be a hard switch to see what you like….when there is no ones else’s preferences or wishes to put ahead of yours.

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

 

Yup. I wonder if it's personality, because we have the ability to go into a situation and size it up and make a good assessment and make it happen. Did you like your wedding and was it fine or did it fall apart or fail to make you smile? I LOVED my wedding, even without pinterest boards and years of planning. I didn't need that, because I'm perfectly capable of walking up to the moment, seeing the options. weighing my values, and making a decision.

 

I loved my wedding. It was exactly the way I wanted it to be. 

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Well, watching my daughter over the last year or so, and especially on this trip, has made me realize how much I miss doing theater.  Her castmates were like, was your mom in the front row?  She had the biggest grin on her face the entire show.  They were playing to me.  It was super fun.  I would love to do some musicals in community theater around here.  But honestly, to do that, I would need to go volunteer at the places doing outside stuff first probably, graduate to chorus roles then maybe get a smaller or character role.

The dream is to have a career in theatre, which doesn't need to be achieved. The achievable stuff might be taken singing lessons or dance lessons which may not be as much of a commitment. Right now my "dream" is to be a ballerina but what I do about it (the goal) is just to go to class every week. My commitment is on a week to week basis. 

Edited July 20 by Clarita
I can't type on my phone.

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, I already do those things ( not organizing a fundraiser but everything else.)  Wherever we travel we go to shows.  Going to several of our Shakespeare Festival performances this month.   

I know I should do that.  I just struggle if there is no outside deadline.  Plus, so I get into a good schedule and do it between now and Sept 1.  But then we are taking a 5 week RV trip to Utah, so not sure how or where I practice singing that doesn't disturb other campers. Then home for a few weeks, though going somewhere for a long weekend for a fundraiser I am helping to organize.  Then ten days helping to lead a mission trip.  Then home for a week or two.  Then Thanksgiving.  Then a mission conference. Then home for a few weeks. Then Christmas. Then our son's wedding. Then Kenya for 3 to 4 weeks.

I just cannot figure out how to get myself to practice on a regular basis with all of that going on. 

OK so since the travel is not negotiable, go from there. Set that as a hard parameter; that will help you narrow what you can do. You can work on memorization without bothering people, if that is a goal. Maybe you shelve the voice lessons/practice for now. Maybe you immerse yourself in the history of musical theater, read plays, stream performances, I don't know what all else is related. If that is an interest of yours, find a way to make it fit your current lifestyle. Find out if there are short-term project needs for your local troupe. I mean, I know nothing about it but you do, so you can think of things.

The point is, if that is an interest of yours that you'd like to pursue, pursue it in the way that fits the requirements of your life.

You have a pattern of saying that you can't do this or that thing you want to do because of not being home. OK, you're not home. Figure out what you CAN do instead of thinking always of what you can't. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

Were you busy doing things you felt were valuable? Or do you feel like what you did somehow doesn't measure up because of what you read in a book by some man?? When you put Cal Newport, I was thinking Cal Thomas and googled to see if he was dead yet. This Cal Newport is some young whippersnapper, likely to change his tune, and CERTAINLY without the years of experience to look back on what was really valuable. And he's never done anything you've done. 😉 

You are dismissing the work of someone you've never heard of simply because he's a man? And a youngish one at that? Come on now. 

[TexasProud]

36 minutes ago, marbel said:

OK so since the travel is not negotiable, go from there.

But that doesn't fit the question. The idea is to figure out how to dream what you really want in life.

I don't know. I guess I already have it probably.   But yeah, reading about musical theater.... No.  I like the DOING. I like performing. Sort of. I like performing in an empty church and imagining how well it goes as opposed to actually doing it.  LOL...  I get way too nervous and totally screw up. I really envy my daughter for being able to perform at the level she does even when she is nervous.  She has done so many things I never had the courage to do but wanted to when I was younger. 

But yes, I am working on being realistic.  Like I really value community, so I have been and am creating ways to make it happen despite our schedule.

But this post is about dreaming and knowing what you want to do if you had no limits.  I am no good dreaming like that.  I know the limits.  And it is the singing I really like, not reading about it, not so much the drama.  And yes, I sing in choir and praise team when I am home and do solos occasionally as well.  So I am doing some of it. 

[Clarita]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But this post is about dreaming and knowing what you want to do if you had no limits.  I am no good dreaming like that.  I know the limits. 

Just dream without the next step of how to make it happen. Your dream is performing musical theatre and it's OK to end there. Or if you've already gone further by singing in a choir or a praise team. Maybe the next step is to find a voice teacher or to branch out from that and get dance lessons. Doing just some of it is good enough. Doing some of it and then continuing to do just a little more of it as life allows may get to one day when you realize you achieved the dream.

Just so you know there's a 70+ year old woman in my ballet class. We all dream about performing as the the sugar plum fairy or the swan in Swan Lake, but none of that is likely to happen. (Probably the reality is we wouldn't really want to.) The reality is we are all pretty happy taking beginner ballet classes and when I'm doing a passé for a split moment I'm dong a pirouette en pointe with a giant tutu on. 

My mom (in her 60's now) decided to take up Chinese Opera. She just started lessons in singing, dancing, etc. She only continued the singing mostly and now she performs a few times a year for an audience (perhaps most of the people there are there to support friends and family but technically the performances are open to the public. That's starting small and doable to achieving a dream. 

[marbel]

23 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But this post is about dreaming and knowing what you want to do if you had no limits.  I am no good dreaming like that.  I know the limits.  And it is the singing I really like, not reading about it, not so much the drama.  And yes, I sing in choir and praise team when I am home and do solos occasionally as well.  So I am doing some of it. 

OK. Sorry, I misunderstood. You had brought up your limitations (travel) earlier (not just in response to me) as a limiting factor, so that's where I went.  

[Innisfree]

It sounds like you are happy to stay on your property in order to satisfy your dh’s wishes. You’re also traveling a lot, partly because that’s how he can practice medicine. So, you’re arranging your life partly to suit him, though you also enjoy your travels.

Could you enunciate, as a goal, at some point in the future that you define, staying home long enough to be in a show once or twice a year? He could still do mission trips X times a year, whatever works, just spacing them so that you can fit a show in between. Some of the less essential trips could give way to what you want to do. 

[KSera]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Plus, so I get into a good schedule and do it between now and Sept 1.  But then we are taking a 5 week RV trip to Utah, so not sure how or where I practice singing that doesn't disturb other campers. Then home for a few weeks, though going somewhere for a long weekend for a fundraiser I am helping to organize.  Then ten days helping to lead a mission trip.  Then home for a week or two.  Then Thanksgiving.  Then a mission conference. Then home for a few weeks. Then Christmas. Then our son's wedding. Then Kenya for 3 to 4 weeks.

 

1 hour ago, marbel said:

OK so since the travel is not negotiable

….

You have a pattern of saying that you can't do this or that thing you want to do because of not being home. OK, you're not home. Figure out what you CAN do instead of thinking always of what you can't. 

But is the travel really non-negotiable? You say your husband is willing to turn his life upside down so you can achieve your dream, but then you say no you can’t move because he doesn’t want to move and no you can’t do any other thing that you ever think you want to do because you have to keep this extreme travel schedule for his work. Perhaps his version of “turning his life upside down“ for you would be merely for you to stay home for any trips that would conflict with something else that you wanted to do for yourself.  That sounds like a very doable compromise on his part.

13 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

Could you enunciate, as a goal, at some point in the future that you define, staying home long enough to be in a show once or twice a year? He could still do mission trips X times a year, whatever works, just spacing them so that you can fit a show in between. Some of the less essential trips could give way to what you want to do. 

Yes, this. 
 

[regentrude]

So you would like to do musical theater, but you travel too much to be home long enough. Wanting/dreaming something doesn't mean that there aren't obstacles or conflicting wishes.

Sounds like doing theater is the dream. If that is what you want, you have two options: complaining how your current lifestyle doesn't allow it, or making a change to get closer to the goal.

You could schedule your travel to allow yourself to be home for a show cycle. For community theater,  that's just a few weeks. You say your DH wants to do what he can to make you happy. So, have him schedule trips so you can do a show. You could audition for a chorus role. You could see where that takes you.

Or you can bemoan the fact that your traveling won't let you do the thing you want. It's your choice. We can have a lot of things, but not all at the same time.

 

[Rosie_0801]

What is freedom?

If we're feeling insatiable, it's a mindset thing. There's something we have to make peace with, and that's probably ourselves.

If you're not a dreamer, your starvation isn't going to be cured by dreaming because that's not what you are hungry for.

[maize]

7 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 

I just feel like I have spent the last 60 years sort of drifting and I want to make sure my few remaining years are spent the way I want them to be spent. That I am happy and fulfilled when life is over.  But I don't know what that is.

I am doing as Cal Newport suggests and have a dedicated notebook to this subject and writing down things that resonate with me from movies ( though again, that isn't realistic), or just my own thoughts about it. 

I don't think you can be happy and fulfilled by making a plan to be happy and fulfilled.

Have you been content drifting along, raising your kids, supporting your husband, teaching, doing medical missions?

Aside from the restless brain that looks for negatives, are you pretty happy with life?

I know that sounds like a bit of a contradiction, but the restless brain is what it is. It's going to keep spinning its wheels and worrying no matter what you do.

How about the part of you that isn't wheel-spinning?

[KSera]

17 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

If you're not a dreamer, your starvation isn't going to be cured by dreaming because that's not what you are hungry for.

Ooh, that’s good, Rosie! 

[Rosie_0801]

Is dying happy and fulfilled even an option?

I'm assuming I'll die exhausted or in pain or both.

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Innisfree said:

It sounds like you are happy to stay on your property in order to satisfy your dh’s wishes. You’re also traveling a lot, partly because that’s how he can practice medicine. So, you’re arranging your life partly to suit him, though you also enjoy your travels.

Could you enunciate, as a goal, at some point in the future that you define, staying home long enough to be in a show once or twice a year? He could still do mission trips X times a year, whatever works, just spacing them so that you can fit a show in between. Some of the less essential trips could give way to what you want to do. 

 

1 hour ago, KSera said:

 

But is the travel really non-negotiable? You say your husband is willing to turn his life upside down so you can achieve your dream, but then you say no you can’t move because he doesn’t want to move and no you can’t do any other thing that you ever think you want to do because you have to keep this extreme travel schedule for his work. Perhaps his version of “turning his life upside down“ for you would be merely for you to stay home for any trips that would conflict with something else that you wanted to do for yourself.  That sounds like a very doable compromise on his part.

Yes, this. 
 

We have been having those conversations and I am already doing that. He is in Kenya right now and I am staying home.  I wanted to have these 5 weeks at home.  I also wanted to connect with my church people this summer, but of course there are no activities.  So I created a fun book club.  We have been having a ball. The book we are on now is set during Advent, so we are having a Christmas in July party next week.  I am making Christmas cookies, playing Christmas music, etc. Having a lot of fun.

So yes and we can change the schedule, but to do that I want to be sure of what I really want. Hence the question... how do you know what you want.  I am just throwing out musical theater, but do I REALLY want it.  Not sure.  But here is the other issue with travel:

I love the mission work.  I do.  Our two missions are very different.  I enjoy Kenya for the slower pace.  The Central American trip is much, more hectic.  We are leading anywhere from 20 to 40 other people.  Both are enjoyable for me.  They give me purpose. I love interacting with the local people and have made friends there and we communicate even when I am not there. So the compromise is that he goes twice a year. One time without me and the other time I go for part of the time ( He goes for 6 weeks, but I only stay for 3.)

I do love traveling in the RV and the truth is we are at the perfect age to do that. I could say, hey let's put that on hold for 5 years or more while I do xyz, but there is no guarantee either of us will be in physical shape to travel.  I have been having some medical issues that I might ask the hive about since all of the tests show nothing.  But dh is also slowing down.  So it might be that by the time we are 70, we will no longer be traveling much at all or one of us might be dead. Who knows.  So if I want to travel with him, now is the time. 

[TexasProud]

13 minutes ago, maize said:

I don't think you can be happy and fulfilled by making a plan to be happy and fulfilled.

Have you been content drifting along, raising your kids, supporting your husband, teaching, doing medical missions?

Aside from the restless brain that looks for negatives, are you pretty happy with life?

I know that sounds like a bit of a contradiction, but the restless brain is what it is. It's going to keep spinning its wheels and worrying no matter what you do.

How about the part of you that isn't wheel-spinning?

LOL.  Depends on the day.  The hour. How much sleep.  LOL.  

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

.

Sounds like doing theater is the dream. If that is what you want, you have two options: complaining how your current lifestyle doesn't allow it, or making a change to get closer to the goal.

Or you can bemoan the fact that your traveling won't let you do the thing you want. It's your choice. We can have a lot of things, but not all at the same time.

 

I don't know if it is the dream or not.  That was my question.  How do you know?  And the "bemoan" part ticks me off a little.  You act like I have done absolutely nothing.  We have had the conversations about changing the schedule.  I created my own fun this summer.  I am not whining in a corner doing nothing.  It is just a question.  How do you know what you REALLY want? 

[Rosie_0801]

We're never going to know what we REALLY want to fill our time with because time and activities are fleeting. We do a thing, then that thing is done or left unfinished and we'll either do some more now or later or after we've washed the dishes, or not at all.

[Rosie_0801]

You REALLY don't want to make peace with the human condition, and making peace with the human condition is the only solution to the insatiability.

You are hungry for something you REALLY don't want to eat.

That is the real problem to solve. 

Or not, since you don't want to.

[Clarita]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

How do you know what you REALLY want? 

You don't always. Sometimes it's super loud and clear other times it's more "Eh that would be nice." Sometimes what was "Eh that looks nice," slowly turns into something you want loud and clear. Other times "Eh that looks neat," turns into "I don't really want that." A good way to know if "Eh that looks neat" becomes something you really want or nope is to dip your toe in. You are welcome to jump in but you know the issue with jumping in is it's a bigger bummer if it turns out to be a "nope."

I'm a person who is OK and kind of loves jumping in, but I'm a person who doesn't care about failing spectacularly. I don't get that bummed out about the "wasted time." Other people feel bad about the time and energy sunk, and can spiral into guilt, if you are a person that is going to feel bad and/or spiral into guilt about a dream turning into nothing, then just dip your toe into a few things that feel like they could be your dream. 

[Innisfree]

Maybe you make time for a show once, and then evaluate. Are you eager to do it again? See how you feel at that point.

I don’t think there’s necessarily an answer for all time. Try something, see how it goes, decide if you want to do it again.

[TexasProud]

Thanks everyone.  Gotten a lot done today:

Deep cleaned my oldest son's bedroom: stripped and washed all bedding, dusted, vacuumed, put the air purifier in there.
Deep cleaned the playroom: dusted and vacuumed.
Wrote 5 emails and sent them about the fundraiser and other things
Chopped up a lot of pears and canned some spiced pear jam
Cleaned up my mess afterwards
Just finished mowing our entire yard which took awhile.
I've read several chapters from a couple of nonfiction books.

I have 2 1/2 hours before I can go to bed.  Not sure what to do.  I may take a bath and try one of the fiction books I got. 

[maize]

Regarding whether you really want something or not, you can't know without trying it.

And yes, every choice we make closes other doors. We have to choose to just acknowledge that and accept it.

[marbel]

I don't think anyone is going to be able to answer your question to your satisfaction. No one has the key to finding and living their dreams. Or at least I've never come across anyone who has. I've come across people who claim to have done so, and will share their secrets for $$$. Most people are just bumbling their way through life as best they can. Of course there are exceptions to that; I'm sure some people have identified their dreams early on and achieved them all seamlessly. But everything has a cost.  

FWIW, I'm not a dreamer either. But I've done mostly OK with my life by taking things as they come, and making decisions as needed. 

 

 

[Shelydon]

8 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Finally have some time to think. Whew.  Last few weeks were crazy, but I am not sorry I did any of it.  In fact, rather glad I did:

We had a blast with my mother-in-law in the RV going to Indiana.  So many fun memories like watching her catch the "throwed roll."  Loved seeing my daughter doing what she loves and getting paid for it for the first time.  Just really fun. 

Was glad we went to the funeral. Heard some wonderful stories. Felt meaningful to give the gift of presence.

I just had so much fun at one of my husband's best friends 60th birthday party.  We brought a photo album from high school as well as a special trip the two of them took in college.  I haven't seen my husband laugh and smile and have a good time like that in a long time.

I am glad I took my step-father to the little ranch for a few days.  He has told me, texted me, and called me to tell me how much it meant to him to get out of the assisted living place for a few days.  LOL, we were the only people from Texas there. I met several families/couples from England, Australia, and Germany.  They were all there to get the "authentic" Texas experience complete with feeding Longhorns, taking a trail ride, and shooting clay targets.  It was relaxing from me.

 

Ok, now to the question. My husband would gladly move heaven and earth for me to do what I want... if I knew what that was.  When I wanted to go to seminary, he proofread every paper for me, moved his schedule around for me, kept me from quitting when I was caring for my mom (this is important to you, don't give it up) etc. But I don't know what I want.

I really like a lot of Cal Newport's stuff. One thing that resonates with me is that many people make a mistake by making a grand goal to be the point of their life. Instead you should do more lifestyle-centric planning. What type of place do you want to live in? Location? City that is easily walkable. Country? What do you want to be doing? What about family?   Several other planning/productivity type people do something similar: What is your ideal day? Your ideal week? Your ideal year? Ideal job? 

I struggle with this.  For one thing, I guess I am not a dreamer, more like a make a plan for what you have kind of person.  For example, as a little girl/ young adult I never dreamed about what my wedding would be like. I didn't think about it until my husband proposed.  Seems like my daughter, my future dil have Pinterest boards full of dreams. In my day, my friends had tons of bridal magazines.  Yeah, never interested me. 

And any "dream" I have, I tend to think of what I don't like or why it won't work.  This is great about it, but this is what I don't/wouldn't like.  And so many things that I like are contradictory. I like both this and that but they are not compatible. Really, you cannot have both.  How do I know which I want more? 

I just feel like I have spent the last 60 years sort of drifting and I want to make sure my few remaining years are spent the way I want them to be spent. That I am happy and fulfilled when life is over.  But I don't know what that is.

I am doing as Cal Newport suggests and have a dedicated notebook to this subject and writing down things that resonate with me from movies ( though again, that isn't realistic), or just my own thoughts about it. 

Can I ask what ranch you went too? My father would like that. 

[wintermom]

I'm curious about what makes you feel that you've been "sort of drifting" for the last 60 years? It sounds like you did have a definite plan about attending a seminary, and it also sounds like you step up and become a carer for others when needed. Life is like that, a balance of planned activities and unplanned responses to what happens that's beyond our control.

Are you somehow hesitant to set a goal, as you're worried about being able to achieve it without being swept away to help someone? Are you worried that you'd lose interest, or that starting out toward a goal might end up not really being what you thought it would? Are you worried what your goal may look like to others, and not be worthy enough? 

Maybe looking inward and examining what is stopping you from setting a goal might be useful. 

[Ottakee]

Could you someone mesh your love of theater/music with your ministry or travels?

One thing I want to do someday is just get in the car and drive and stop when I want and where I want and if I want and then head somewhere else.  Maybe with a general idea….or maybe not.   But as I am single, I would want a friend to come with me….bit a friend that would just ride along or if driving, go where I want.   I would love to be gone for 2 weeks and do a mix of backpacking/camping and hotels or ????

[Rosie_0801]

13 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

One thing I want to do someday is just get in the car and drive and stop when I want and where I want and if I want and then head somewhere else.  Maybe with a general idea….or maybe not.   But as I am single, I would want a friend to come with me….bit a friend that would just ride along or if driving, go where I want.   I would love to be gone for 2 weeks and do a mix of backpacking/camping and hotels or ????

When you win the lottery, get a passport and come to my place. We'll drive up the east coast to see the Quinkin rock art.

[JennyD]

Re Cal Newport:  I have read a number of his books and found them very interesting. However, I'm also always struck by how he is pretty clearly not writing for people whose main job is taking care of other people.  Which is fine -- not every book has to be targeted at every reader.  But occasionally I've thought about dropping him a line and saying, hey, have you ever considered writing about how your ideas might apply (or not) to those of us who are support staff, in work and/or in life?  Because THAT is a book I would really like to read.