Living in a house where family passed

[Elizabeth86]

It may be that my family will be moving to my in-laws farm. FIL passed away in the house last year while we were visiting and mil passed away outside just this month. I’m not one to believe in or be scared of hauntings or anything supernatural like that, but I worry it will be a sad reminder to the whole family daily. It is the very best thing for us to be able to move there, but I just feel nervous about that aspect of it. Any tips or advice on this?

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

It may be that my family will be moving to my in-laws farm. FIL passed away in the house last year while we were visiting and mil passed away outside just this month. I’m not one to believe in or be scared of hauntings or anything supernatural like that, but I worry it will be a sad reminder to the whole family daily. It is the very best thing for us to be able to move there, but I just feel nervous about that aspect of it. Any tips or advice on this?

That would probably not bother me.  I think if it did at first the positive memories would outweigh the negative. WhT a blessing to raise your kids in their grandparents home.  (((((Hugs))))

ps acquaintances of mine just bought a house where a brutal very high profile murder took place just a few years ago.  The murderer has not even gone to trial yet!  There is no way I could do that.  The court documents outline all the horrific details of where and how it happened. But also I knew the murder victim in passing so that may make it worse.  
 

Your situation is nothing like that.  I hope you can find peace with the situation though.  

[Innisfree]

Death is just one bit of life in a home; think how many other memories are there as well. I’ve spent a lot of time in several family houses after family members died there. I’d have been happy to live in a couple of them permanently (and the reasons I wouldn’t have moved to the other ones had nothing to do with the deaths). Focus on all the good memories and don’t give the moment of death more importance than it actually has.

[Innisfree]

Besides… life goes on, as they say. Your attention will mostly be on normal daily life.

[Pawz4me]

Assuming they were natural deaths it wouldn't bother me. Death is part of life.

I might feel differently if there had been violence involved.

[Elizabeth86]

Just now, Pawz4me said:

Assuming they were natural deaths it wouldn't bother me. Death is part of life.

I might feel differently if there had been violence involved.

Yea, definitely natural deaths. Idk it just bothers me. For instance, my parents just bought my bff’s childhood home and both her parents passed away there and honestly it’s just on my mind every time I’m there. I can’t not think about it. I just worry it will bother my kids. It might not though 

[gstharr]

When this happened to me, i made the mistake of not clearing the house for several years. I mean not taking down pictures, rearranging anything,  tossing personal effects.  I felt so much better when I finally made it my home, and just left a few mementos in tribute.

[Faith-manor]

This would not bother me. But what might help you would be to set about doing some fast redecorating that will make the place feel more like your family home than grandparent home. Paint, total change of window dressings, etc. It wouldn't take a lot of money to make it look different, feel different. Then add all of your own family photos and furniture, and it might seem like a whole new place.

[Hannah]

12 minutes ago, gstharr said:

When this happened to me, i made the mistake of not clearing the house for several years. I mean not taking down pictures, rearranging anything,  tossing personal effects.  I felt so much better when I finally made it my home, and just left a few mementos in tribute.

I would clear the entire house as if they had moved out (without any guilt), do whatever maintenance and upgrades are required and then move in your own things. Keep the momentoes you would have wanted if you’d have stayed in your own home.

[Hannah]

33 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Yea, definitely natural deaths. Idk it just bothers me. For instance, my parents just bought my bff’s childhood home and both her parents passed away there and honestly it’s just on my mind every time I’m there. I can’t not think about it. I just worry it will bother my kids. It might not though 

They died in their own, familiar home and that is a gift. Death is part of the cycle of life and should be discussed, even with young children. I think it’s going to depend on how you frame it for them whether they’re bothered or not.

[kbutton]

We regularly ate in dinner in a room where an ancestor passed away (it had been a bedroom while he was dying). No one thought anything of it. Overall the house had a lot of people die in it as it was a home for elderly. 

How your kids think of it will likely largely depend on how you talk about it.

If you are Christian, maybe watch some Touched by An Angel—while definitely a guess about what happens at death and surely easy to pick in or pick apart, the show definitely demonstrated the idea that death can be a tender and loving time. If you share that faith with your relatives, then you can think of those places as extra special. I know that’s no help if you have other beliefs.

 

[Chris in VA]

5 minutes ago, Hannah said:

They died in their own, familiar home and that is a gift. Death is part of the cycle of life and should be discussed, even with young children. I think it’s going to depend on how you frame it for them whether they’re bothered or not.

Yes, I think they will take tbeir lead from you, OP. I would definitely redecorate, but I think it would be nice to remember aloud with your kids-- 

"Oh, remember Gramma used to love to look out this window at the birds? Remember her kneading pie dough here, and how she'd tell us stories of growing up and how much things cost at the store?"

You get the idea.  The more you remember of the love, the more those memories fill the house 

 

[regentrude]

Maybe it helps if you remember that being able to die at home is a blessing and was the norm for centuries before modern medicine. Many people wish to be allowed to die in their familiar surroundings,  with family near, as opposed to some hospital room full of machines, or alone in a nursing home.

My grandmother lived with us and died in her own bedroom. We grieved, of course, but the house didn't hold sadness. My father died in the same room two years ago. Mom lives in the house, and we stay for a few weeks in the summer. We remember dad fondly and are sad that he isn't with us, but again, the fact that he *died* in the house doesn't play a role.

The memories are of their living, and yes, the house is imbued with those memories. It can be a beautiful, comforting thought if you allow it.

Edited May 21 by regentrude

[prairiewindmomma]

My advice is to take photos of the house as it is currently, and then clear the home, make some changes, and make it your own. I’d keep a photo of the couple somewhere in a frame as a tribute to the happy memories they had there, and then move on to make your own happy memories. Think of the love you are surrounded by and embrace that blessing. 

[gardenmom5]

No tips.
Dh's grandparents house was in the family for 90+ years.  multiple people died in it. (especially in its early years when going to hospitals really wasn't "a thing".) Never slowed anyone down.  I certainly never gave it any thought when staying there. 

if there are times that you feel upset - maybe make an effort to focus on a good memory of that person? - have a big poster board for people to write those memories on?

[Elizabeth86]

2 hours ago, gstharr said:

When this happened to me, i made the mistake of not clearing the house for several years. I mean not taking down pictures, rearranging anything,  tossing personal effects.  I felt so much better when I finally made it my home, and just left a few mementos in tribute.

Thanks. We would definitely be changing everything up. 

[Elizabeth86]

2 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

This would not bother me. But what might help you would be to set about doing some fast redecorating that will make the place feel more like your family home than grandparent home. Paint, total change of window dressings, etc. It wouldn't take a lot of money to make it look different, feel different. Then add all of your own family photos and furniture, and it might seem like a whole new place.

We are going to have to do more than that. It is going to be a huge project. There is ALOT undone.

[Elizabeth86]

2 hours ago, Hannah said:

I would clear the entire house as if they had moved out (without any guilt), do whatever maintenance and upgrades are required and then move in your own things. Keep the momentoes you would have wanted if you’d have stayed in your own home.

The kids are working on clearing it all out now.

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

We regularly ate in dinner in a room where an ancestor passed away (it had been a bedroom while he was dying). No one thought anything of it. Overall the house had a lot of people die in it as it was a home for elderly. 

How your kids think of it will likely largely depend on how you talk about it.

If you are Christian, maybe watch some Touched by An Angel—while definitely a guess about what happens at death and surely easy to pick in or pick apart, the show definitely demonstrated the idea that death can be a tender and loving time. If you share that faith with your relatives, then you can think of those places as extra special. I know that’s no help if you have other beliefs.

 

I’m a Christian. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

I don't know if this would help you, but I thought I would mention it since I had never heard of it before moving to south Texas, but many pastors and priests will bless a house.  They come to the house and do a blessing.  I'm not sure of the specifics, but people can make it an occasion, and the pastor or priest may pray or go room to room, possibly with incense or oil if desired (not required I don't think).

Anyway, if you think it would help, it is not uncommon apparently.

[Elizabeth86]

Without too much detail because it isn’t my family to discuss, but some of you all were getting to the root of some of my concerns I think. You all were suggesting I think about the good stuff. Dh had a fair relationship with his dad. No one had a good relationship with mil. With all the discussion on here about narcissism I have often wondered if that was how mil would be described. Anyway. Dh didn’t see her after his dad passed. She never had a negative interaction with our kids because I was ALWAYS there and I wouldn’t have allowed that, but dh has shared enough that made me not like her one bit. So, the kids only have good opinions of her. So, maybe for me it’s the negativity that makes me feel nervous. It’s not like I think the negativity could affect me because it’s just a house, BUT I guess if I had a ton of positive memories it might be different. Like I said, the kids didn’t know, but I knew she wasn’t a great person. So, I guess I’m worried it will make the kids sad being there and I just am worried about the negativity for dh and me. I know we could turn down the offer, BUT that almost 100 acres is my dream come true. Anyway, we will be giving it a complete redecorating to make it our own and y’all are probably going to be along for the ride for all that too. lol

Edited May 21 by Elizabeth86

[Kalmia]

6 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

 I know we could turn down the offer, BUT that almost 100 acres is my dream come true. 

The land has its own life (animals, plants, soil) that deserves a good steward, and it sounds like you are the perfect one. It needs you! Think about how a developer would ruin it if it was sold! 

[Elizabeth86]

1 minute ago, Kalmia said:

The land has its own life (animals, plants, soil) that deserves a good steward, and it sounds like you are the perfect one. It needs you! Think about how a developer would ruin it if it was sold! 

I’m pretty sure a developer wouldn’t buy it. I’m actually fairly certain the neighbors might as they have bought some of their land before. Either way I have dreamed of living on acreage with my kids forever. We will make it work. I’m just nervous. lol

[DawnM]

I understand.   You know, after my dad passed away, I could not even go down into his apartment in our house.   We rented it to a family friend's son for about 9 months, but after he left, I still couldn't go in there.   One day I did and DH found me sitting on a chair in there, crying.   I am not a cryer so he knew it was really bothering me.

And then the other day we were griping about how this house is so much smaller and we don't have room for everything.  He commented that our last house had rooms we didn't even use!   And then it brought back dad's room again and I was glad we moved.

Just saying this to give all perspectives.

But staying in my in laws house after FIL passed away inside the house (I was there when it happened) and it doesn't bother me at all.

[prairiewindmomma]

It’s totally ok to have mixed feelings about the relationships. IME, moving into a new house doesnt feel like our home for quite a while. We have moved into a family home before, and it took some time, but eventually it felt like *our* house. I’d really spend some time talking through things with dh and figuring out what would help him be comfortable as memories surface for him to work through. Having mixed feelings about people is really common. We can see the flaws and acknowledge the damage they caused and also choose to move forward and embrace what happiness and healing we can make in our own lives. Loving my kids in a better way than my family loved me has been healing in a way, iykwim.