Graduation Party Invitations

[Ting Tang]

We've been invited to multiple graduation parties, which has rarely ever happened before, and two were for 8th graders---the others high schoolers.  I wouldn't say we are super duper close to many of them.  We can't go to most of the parties due to scheduling, and my son doesn't want to go to the one he was invited to....it's a classmate in one of his extracurriculars.  I guess etiquette tells me I should probably send cards.  Maybe this sounds cheap, but I do not feel like putting $20 into each card, at a minimum.  Would people be insulted with $10? Is it ever okay to just send a card?  I honestly do think people are looking for cash gifts.  I just don't have enough money to give everyone $20 (or more).  Thoughts?  

[Katy]

I just had a friend post a funny meme about people needing to calm down about 8th grade graduations. It contains a lot of profanity so I won’t repost. All of these invitations are a gift grab and you’re under no obligation to do anything. If this is a kid you’re somewhat close you, $10-20 is fine. 

[footballmom]

I think $10 or just a card for the 8th graders is absolutely fine. For the high school graduation parties you go to, I would definitely give a gift. For the parties you don’t go to, that is up to you and your feelings of closeness with the child / family. In our area, when attending the HS grad parties, most people give $50-$100. If that doesn’t work, you could always do $24 as a nod to 2024.

[EKS]

I would decline and say "congratulations."  No card, and definitely no money/gift unless it is a close relative.

[footballmom]

@Katy not that you have to explain your opinion, but curious if you mean “all these invitations are a gift grab” is relative to 8th grad parties or any grad party, hs or 8th grade?

[Miss Tick]

10 minutes ago, footballmom said:

@Katy not that you have to explain your opinion, but curious if you mean “all these invitations are a gift grab” is relative to 8th grad parties or any grad party, hs or 8th grade?

Not Katy, but I broadly agree with her sentiment because I've not gotten a thank you of any kind (not even verbally) for at least the last 10 graduation gifts I've sent out.  I will continue to give gifts when I receive invitations, but the general impression I'm left with is very "gift grab"

[ScoutTN]

If not truly, real friends with the students and their families, no gift or card if you are not attending. 

If real friends, send a card and a $10-20 gift. 

In our circles, mostly homeschoolers, one’s presence at the celebration is what is truly desired and gifts are not expected. YMMV. Also, there are different sorts of parties. Invite almost everyone kind vs only family and close friends kind.  

We have never been invited to or heard of 8th grade/middle school graduation parties with formal invitations. Family get togethers, sure. 

Edited May 18 by ScoutTN

[Faith-manor]

When we were in 4H and VERY well known leaders, we were invited to 20-30 parties a year. We just couldn't do $20 each and a card and put in an appearance. Often it was a 99 cent card and a best wishes message. OP, you should not feel guilty about refraining from the gift giving.

[Beth S]

Also reposting the Gem of an Idea I got here from the Hive several years ago:

Gifting a check for $20.24, or $24 in cash, is a FUN way to gift a graduate.
Obviously, they would wish it was more . . . but I think it makes ALL of them chuckle at the amount.

Only give gift amounts that are consistent with your family's values.

[athena1277]

$10 is fine.  That’s what I give for most seniors.  It just gets too expensive.

[madteaparty]

I’m really rude then as I would entirely ignore the 8th grade graduation like I would ignore a kindergarten one.

to the high school one I would send something. I’m only going to one high school graduation (only one I was invited) and the cash gift will be over the top as I adore this family and they’ve done 100fold for the community (homeschoolers). I also give George Saunders’ little book “Congratulations, by the way” as a gift.

[Katy]

1 hour ago, footballmom said:

@Katy not that you have to explain your opinion, but curious if you mean “all these invitations are a gift grab” is relative to 8th grad parties or any grad party, hs or 8th grade?

All that aren’t family, close family friends, or kids we know well, yes. My DH grew up in a small enough town that several couples in town gave every child graduating $20, and $50 to every couple who married. That situation was different than getting graduation announcements about kids whom I’ve never even met simply because I briefly worked with their parents or they are my third cousin once removed. If I’ve never met them and I haven’t spoken to their parents in over 20 years, that’s a gift grab. 

[footballmom]

I completely understand where getting announcements or grad party invites from very distant friends and family could feel like a fishing expedition for gifts. 

I assume positive intent when someone sends me an invitation to come to their home or a venue they are renting out to celebrate their child’s hard work and next adventure, whatever that is. I bring whatever gift or card or acknowledgement feels right to me and works with our family financials. 

I’m going to take a step back from this thread because 1. having an imminent second hs grad means my emotions are all over the board and the perspective that an invite to a grad party could land as a gift grab makes me feel incredibly sad, 2. almost every response except my original response in this thread received positive reactions. I’m really not sure why my perspective landed different.

[Frances]

16 minutes ago, footballmom said:

I’m going to take a step back from this thread because 1. having an imminent second hs grad means my emotions are all over the board and the perspective that an invite to a grad party could land as a gift grab makes me feel incredibly sad, 2. almost every response except my original response in this thread received positive reactions. I’m really not sure why my perspective landed different.

I can’t speak for others, but for me personally, the idea of giving $50-100 for a high school graduation seems very high except for very close friends or very close relatives and I live and work in upper middle class circles. My son got wedding  cash gifts smaller than that (although they had requested no gifts) and it was a small wedding with only very close friends and very immediate family. So that’s why I didn’t like your post. I do however like the idea I first heard on this board of giving $24 or $20.04 for a high school or college graduation gift. It’s not something I would personally do for an 8th grade graduation though. They would get a card and a handmade pottery mug because we have tons just sitting around.

Edited May 18 by Frances

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, madteaparty said:

I’m really rude then as I would entirely ignore the 8th grade graduation like I would ignore a kindergarten one.

to the high school one I would send something. I’m only going to one high school graduation (only one I was invited) and the cash gift will be over the top as I adore this family and they’ve done 100fold for the community (homeschoolers). I also give George Saunders’ little book “Congratulations, by the way” as a gift.

Yes! Me too!

[Ting Tang]

Thank you all for weighing in.  I just don't want anyone to think I am a cheapskate or be offended by a smaller amount.  $10 pays for a nice coffee drink at Starbucks.  So, I would be thrilled with that...lol  The gift grab thought comes when you barely know someone and get an invitation.  

 

[Katy]

1 hour ago, footballmom said:

I completely understand where getting announcements or grad party invites from very distant friends and family could feel like a fishing expedition for gifts. 

I assume positive intent when someone sends me an invitation to come to their home or a venue they are renting out to celebrate their child’s hard work and next adventure, whatever that is. I bring whatever gift or card or acknowledgement feels right to me and works with our family financials. 

I’m going to take a step back from this thread because 1. having an imminent second hs grad means my emotions are all over the board and the perspective that an invite to a grad party could land as a gift grab makes me feel incredibly sad, 2. almost every response except my original response in this thread received positive reactions. I’m really not sure why my perspective landed different.

To be clear, if you or your son was someone I’d spent any time with, I’d be there to celebrate with him, not considering it a gift grab. But those aren’t the sorts of invites I’ve gotten recently. 

I’m probably partly salty because a couple I know makes something approaching a million dollars a year recently sent an invite for a fundraiser for their college aged child to go to Europe. I understand wanting her to raise money herself. I don’t understand sending the letter to someone you haven’t spoken to in ten years just because we’re Facebook friends. And at $18/hour, she could work part time for a month at McDonald’s to raise the amount of money she needs. 

[kirstenhill]

8th grade graduations aren't so much of a "thing" here - there may be some kind of ceremony that parents attend, but it's not referred to as a "graduation" - so I would feel no qualms with ignoring those or just wishing the kid "congratulations" if you see them,

For high school graduations, I try to at least send a card, but honestly I have missed a few when we weren't able to attend the party.  I love celebrating with people, and love every announcement I receive - I figure they wouldn't have my address to send a paper invite if I wasn't close with them in some way or have been in the past.  If it is just a facebook invite, I might ignore that because they may have just invited their whole friend list.  I usually do $10 gift cards for kids we are not close to, and $25 for closer friends.  Family members (our nieces/nephews) we have done a higher amount.  My DD was grateful for the many small gifts and gift cards she got - it added up and definitely helped her to purchase the basics for her college dorm room, with some leftover that she used for a trip.

[Faith-manor]

26 minutes ago, Katy said:

To be clear, if you or your son was someone I’d spent any time with, I’d be there to celebrate with him, not considering it a gift grab. But those aren’t the sorts of invites I’ve gotten recently. 

I’m probably partly salty because a couple I know makes something approaching a million dollars a year recently sent an invite for a fundraiser for their college aged child to go to Europe. I understand wanting her to raise money herself. I don’t understand sending the letter to someone you haven’t spoken to in ten years just because we’re Facebook friends. And at $18/hour, she could work part time for a month at McDonald’s to raise the amount of money she needs. 

Yes this. 

We had kids whose names we hardly knew and only saw one time per year when we judged their projects at the county fair. Our address and phone number was published in the directory so anyone could send us invites.

OP, I think $10 or coffee gift card is nice if you can afford it. Don't feel obligated to attend.

Here we don't have 8th grade graduations as much as 8th grade confirmation parties for the LCMS students. We aren't Lutheran and so unless we have a very close, personal relationship with the parents, we don't attend those. 

[SKL]

Whether my kid would go to the party would depend on his/her closeness to the graduate.  I'm guessing most would be a no.  But if we did go, I'd have my kid take a card with at least a token amount of money.  Even when I graduated HS in 1983, I gave $5 if I showed up and ate some cake.  Adults would give more, at least $10 at that time.

For 8th grade, I know we had parties for my older brothers (combination confirmation & 8th grade graduation), but this was more of a family event, similar to a christening.  The rest of us never had an 8th grade graduation / confirmation, so no party, ha!  My niece just graduated from 8th grade and her folks didn't do a party.  My kids graduated 8th in the middle of Covid, and the school banquet would have been their only party had it not been canceled.

Honestly, I have avoided throwing parties for my kids, partly because of the whole "gift grab" notion.  I really don't want people to feel obligated to bring a gift, or to stay away because they don't want to "pay," but traditions are hard to ignore.  So we just don't do parties.  We do other experiences that don't holler "gift expected."

My kids are graduating 12th in a few weeks.  So far, I haven't heard of any invitations, and we are not having a party.  Some relatives will probably send a small gift.  I remember attending my niece's & nephew's high school graduation [family] parties 10+ years ago.  I'm sure I wrote them checks for some hundreds of dollars ... I really can't remember exactly ... but I obviously wouldn't do that for every kid on the block.

[madteaparty]

3 hours ago, Katy said:

To be clear, if you or your son was someone I’d spent any time with, I’d be there to celebrate with him, not considering it a gift grab. But those aren’t the sorts of invites I’ve gotten recently. 

I’m probably partly salty because a couple I know makes something approaching a million dollars a year recently sent an invite for a fundraiser for their college aged child to go to Europe. I understand wanting her to raise money herself. I don’t understand sending the letter to someone you haven’t spoken to in ten years just because we’re Facebook friends. And at $18/hour, she could work part time for a month at McDonald’s to raise the amount of money she needs. 

That’s just... No words. 

[catz]

I personally wouldn’t send anything for an 8th grade graduation we were not attending.  I think it is fine to have a party for any reason, but gifts?  No.   Maybe for a niece or nephew I would send a token gift card.  
 

for high school graduation, for beloved friends kids, we’d send a card and money or gift card.  For random invites when we were not attending, i would not feel obligated to send anything.  

Edited May 19 by catz

[teachermom2834]

I hate that invitations are seen as gift grabs. When we plan any kind of party, which is rare, we always err on the side of inviting someone figuring better to invite someone than have them hear about a party and feel left out. Even if they aren’t really friends but just attached to an activity where the other people are being invited. Or kinda frenemies within a friend group- they are getting an invite. It’s coming from a place of grace but seen as a gift grab? You just can’t win for losing. Never would I send an invite in an effort to coerce a $20 bill. Just blech.

I’ve been going to high school graduation parties this weekend for friends of my dd who just finished 10th grade. These are very nice kids who took my dd under their wings and have been sweet mentors/big sister figures she feels very close to. They got fairly cheap bracelets off amazon that came with a bible verse or poetic saying that had some meaning she chose for them and a $25 Amazon card. I would have done just $20 for more casual friends she was going to parties for. That said, lots of kids show up at these things empty handed. Some might have given a gift another time or sent something electronically I know but I also know the kid culture and they all just want to be together and no one would think anything about a kid showing up empty handed. Everyone just wants the company there.

As far as a family attending I still think $25 is fine unless it is a fancy party and then maybe more but it’s still on the hosts that they chose the fancy party so $25 is always ok I think. Graduations happen all at the same time and it really adds up. 
 

If not attending I think you only have to send something if very close or you just want to. Sometimes there are kids I’m not actually super close to but I just have a sweet spot for. 

[Bambam]

I do raise my eyebrows at graduation invites for folks we aren't close to, haven't really done stuff with, don't regularly see - and I wonder why they invited us. If I have a spare graduation card or feel like a trip to Dollar Tree, I will send a card only. 

But the ones that are from folks we do see semi-regularly, have done stuff with, etc - I do appreciate those because I find it hard to keep track of kids ages/status once my two were graduated and not involved with various kid things. Some of them I do want to send a check to - others just get a card depending upon closeness. 

I actually had to ask a mom if one of her children had graduated from college because I saw nothing. She isn't one to make a big deal out of anything, so she just posted on FB - proud of child, graduated from college date/degree/honors.  I had already sent a check once I confirmed she graduated because this girl was a very good friend of my youngest. 

I think it is fine to send a card alone, a card with check, and just nothing other than a congratulations if you see them in person. I do the various things depending upon a variety of factors.  

When my kids graduated, they got a variety of checks ($10-$100 - top end being all relatives) and presents (more generous gifts from folks that we were heavily involved in their and their kids lives).  My kids were grateful for all.  And some said/did nothing, and that was fine too. My kids knew we were proud of them and their accomplishments, and they got some nice feedback/cards with meaningful comments from many.  I did appreciate the "congratulations to XYZ" that we got on FB though - it costs nothing more than a little time, but it still warmed my heart.