Not shoulding

[TexasProud]

43 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

Anyway, you've turned down all the suggestions we've ever made of worthy projects, so what counts as greatness to you? Where do you have to be published for it to count?

No, you misunderstand.  The thought of being a NY Times best seller terrifies me and I really, really really do not want that.  

If I had 50 people that really liked my work and interacted with it. I would be thrilled. 

And I like @Frances suggestions.  I do.  But it feels like, and I am sure I am wrong, but it takes me awhile to aprise the situation and figure out where I can serve.  I didn't do much but random stuff in Honduras the first time and followed someone around the first time in Kenya.  This last time in Kenya, I drew boundaries around how often and when and what I did.  

So...can I visit the sick in the hospital here.  Not sure. I would need to call.  They have chaplains, so not sure if I could tag along or if they would allow that.  But yes, I could call.  And then I would be like... well I can do Tues or Wed this week and then in 3 weeks I will be here all week and then in 2 weeks I can do a day....

Like I said, I might be able to get into a groove this summer, but then from Sept 1- January 5th, I will not be home for more than a week or two at a time. 

And as I said before, my idea of greatness would be a 3yo Sunday school teacher who served for 40 years. It doesn't have to be great in the eyes of the world.  Just great in the eyes of God.  it could be serving in a soup kitchen.  There is one here, but when I have called before they were pretty much booked the few times I could serve. 

[Katy]

I’ve not spent much time examining scrupulousity or PTSD in terms of Biblical approaches to handling it. And I know your reading list is long. But it seems to me you don’t have a grasp on the Freedom we have in Christ. And you’ve set up a lot of rules and shoulds and sins for yourself that aren’t Biblical. I think in Christ we don’t have those rules. We live in a new standard of knowing the word and following the Holy Spirit, which is both easier and harder than following a bunch of rules. Either Biblical or our own. 
 

If I were you, I would write about, meditate on, and possibly even memorize Galatians 5. Because you don’t know your own freedom. And when you’re confronted with rumination about things that don’t matter, stopping wrong thoughts with the Word can be as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy. 

[Rosie_0801]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

If I had 50 people that really liked my work and interacted with it. I would be thrilled. 

You know, when my father in law was dying, he didn't think really anyone would show up to his funeral. I scoffed because I expected a hundred.

When my son died, someone on here donated some lunch to a program in India in his name. (Or something along those lines. Understandably, my memory on that section of my life is too sharp in some ways and very fuzzy in others.) He was a non-verbal 5 year old who didn't know India existed and some kids in India got their lunch subsidised by that person, that day, because of him.

We really can't know what effect we're having on the world. We wouldn't know how to start counting, as my father in law demonstrated. There were at least a hundred attendees at his funeral and only half a dozen were family. 

[TexasProud]

14 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

If I were you, I would write about, meditate on, and possibly even memorize Galatians 5. Because you don’t know your own freedom. And when you’re confronted with rumination about things that don’t matter, stopping wrong thoughts with the Word can be as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Yes, that is one of the scriptures I have that I meditate on.  I have lots of them on cards. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

You know, when my father in law was dying, he didn't think really anyone would show up to his funeral. I scoffed because I expected a hundred.

When my son died, someone on here donated some lunch to a program in India in his name. (Or something along those lines. Understandably, my memory on that section of my life is too sharp in some ways and very fuzzy in others.) He was a non-verbal 5 year old who didn't know India existed and some kids in India got their lunch subsidised by that person, that day, because of him.

We really can't know what effect we're having on the world. We wouldn't know how to start counting, as my father in law demonstrated. There were at least a hundred attendees at his funeral and only half a dozen were family. 

And it is the unknowing that I struggle with.  I mean cognitively, I know that.  We just do the best we can and leave it up to God.  And most of the time, I am truly ok with that.

But then...something triggers me and I am not ok.  I am going to look at the triggering and emotional flashback thing and see what I can trace.  Because honestly guys, what most of you have said, I do know and much of the time I believe.  But sometimes I get in a hole... and now I have a term: emotional flashback.  

[Rosie_0801]

13 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But then...something triggers me and I am not ok.  I am going to look at the triggering and emotional flashback thing and see what I can trace.  Because honestly guys, what most of you have said, I do know and much of the time I believe.  But sometimes I get in a hole... and now I have a term: emotional flashback.  

Hopefully having a name for it will help reduce your fear. Fear of falling into the hole adds so much more discomfort to the already uncomfortable feeling of falling in that same damned hole again.

I am in one at the moment. It's uncomfortable. It's boring. It's bad for my physical health. And it'll stop being a problem when it stops being a problem so I just have to wait for it to go away. I am inconvenienced, but I am not panicking about it.

You learn your pattern. That means you get better at catching it, or if you can't catch it, you'll get better at managing it, at scrambling back out of it.

I know I am going to spend a lot of time sitting in this hole, because I've had a whole lot of practice. So now I know what rations to pack, so to speak. Sometimes I get caught off guard, but we can't prepare for everything because everything has more imagination than we do.

[Rosie_0801]

13 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And it is the unknowing that I struggle with.  I mean cognitively, I know that.  We just do the best we can and leave it up to God.  And most of the time, I am truly ok with that.

Make a list. I bet you'll get to 50. It would be hard not to when you've lived this long.

[TexasProud]

And guys, I do know what you are all saying about not earning it.  I wrote these two sections ( out of a much larger piece) last November.  There was a lot of stuff in between these sections and at the beginning and end, but you will get the idea

edited for privacy

Edited May 16 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Make a list. I bet you'll get to 50. It would be hard not to when you've lived this long.

Sorry Rosie, make a list of what? False beliefs?

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Sorry Rosie, make a list of what? False beliefs?

Your quote: 

"If I had 50 people that really liked my work and interacted with it. I would be thrilled."

[TexasProud]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Your quote: 

"If I had 50 people that really liked my work and interacted with it. I would be thrilled."

Ah, I've got it. Not sure if I do to be honest.  My audience is super super small right now.  And that is ok.  Now 50 people that I know and interact with that might miss me when I am gone.. maybe. At times in my life there would have been hundreds. Heck I often taught 150-200 students in a year. 

That's ok though.. I am not feeling the pull right now.  I am out of the flashback. I really don't care today.

I hope your hole doesn't last long. Hugs.

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ah, I've got it. Not sure if I do to be honest.  My audience is super super small right now.  And that is ok.  Now 50 people that I know and interact with that might miss me when I am gone.. maybe. At times in my life there would have been hundreds. Heck I often taught 150-200 students in a year. 

So you're well over your 50 target. That's thousands.

[marbel]

57 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, you misunderstand.  The thought of being a NY Times best seller terrifies me and I really, really really do not want that.  

If I had 50 people that really liked my work and interacted with it. I would be thrilled. 

And I like @Frances suggestions.  I do.  But it feels like, and I am sure I am wrong, but it takes me awhile to aprise the situation and figure out where I can serve.  I didn't do much but random stuff in Honduras the first time and followed someone around the first time in Kenya.  This last time in Kenya, I drew boundaries around how often and when and what I did.  

So...can I visit the sick in the hospital here.  Not sure. I would need to call.  They have chaplains, so not sure if I could tag along or if they would allow that.  But yes, I could call.  And then I would be like... well I can do Tues or Wed this week and then in 3 weeks I will be here all week and then in 2 weeks I can do a day....

Like I said, I might be able to get into a groove this summer, but then from Sept 1- January 5th, I will not be home for more than a week or two at a time. 

And as I said before, my idea of greatness would be a 3yo Sunday school teacher who served for 40 years. It doesn't have to be great in the eyes of the world.  Just great in the eyes of God.  it could be serving in a soup kitchen.  There is one here, but when I have called before they were pretty much booked the few times I could serve. 

Maybe others have said this; I've read the whole thread but it's long, so sorry if I'm being repetitive. Have you ever thought about just stopping for a while. Stop pushing yourself to find a place to serve? Maybe if you stop for a while, things will become clear to you. You know people talk about "the still soft voice of God?" Maybe you can't hear it because you are rushing around trying to serve.  (And I know all your reasons for not signing up for things because of your travel; but that's not relevant here; I just don't want you to bring it up again if you respond to this.)

I get it about wanting to hear "good and faithful servant." I do. I cringe whenever I read/hear the parable of the talents because I feel like I'm the one who buries mine in the garden. I don't do a lot. I've done some things in the past. Not big things. Mostly I focused on my family. Now I'm tired and I just want to focus on my home, husband and adult kids, and maintaining my health. So I can't say that I'd be bringing a lot of "profit" to God. I'm not refusing to serve. I'm just doing my thing here and if an opportunity is presented to me I'll take it. But I'm going to stress over it. 

Because I don't think of God as the master of the parable. That master is not kind and loving. He doesn't know everything about his servants. But God is kind and loving, and he knows everything about us - what we're thinking, feeling, stressing out over. Even you. And he loves us anyway. 

 

[TexasProud]

48 minutes ago, marbel said:

Maybe others have said this; I've read the whole thread but it's long, so sorry if I'm being repetitive. Have you ever thought about just stopping for a while. Stop pushing yourself to find a place to serve? Maybe if you stop for a while, things will become clear to you. You know people talk about "the still soft voice of God?" Maybe you can't hear it because you are rushing around trying to serve.

 

I spend an hour or more trying to be still and listen... but anymore...  I wrote before that silence is very, very loud.  It feels like the parable or story or whatever that Jesus told about sweeping the place clean and because it was empty more demons came to fill it than were there before..  A little silence is fine, but too much literally gives me a panic attack. 

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I spend an hour or more trying to be still and listen... but anymore...  I wrote before that silence is very, very loud.  It feels like the parable or story or whatever that Jesus told about sweeping the place clean and because it was empty more demons came to fill it than were there before..  A little silence is fine, but too much literally gives me a panic attack. 

OK, I get that. But I am not talking about literally sitting still in silence waiting to hear God speak. Honestly the only times I have ever done that, the voice I thought I heard was clearly not God. Not gonna get into the whole demons thing but yeah, I get it. 

But what I mean is, go about your life, the life you have now. Take care of yourself - sounds like you are working on that. Take care of your relationships. Read and rest and get exercise in whatever way works best for you. Maybe listen to music. I find I can focus my thoughts pretty well when listening to Bach.  But look, I'm not trying to tell you specifically what to do - don't run to download a Bach playlist because I said so - but to find ways to nourish yourself for now, and stop beating yourself up for not spending every moment serving God in the way you think you should. 

It sounds as if your husband is driven to serve, and maybe you are taking your cue from him. Don't do that. He has his own issues and his own relationship with God. You are not made in the image of Mr TexasProud. 

[fairfarmhand]

10 minutes ago, marbel said:

OK, I get that. But I am not talking about literally sitting still in silence waiting to hear God speak. Honestly the only times I have ever done that, the voice I thought I heard was clearly not God. Not gonna get into the whole demons thing but yeah, I get it. 

But what I mean is, go about your life, the life you have now. Take care of yourself - sounds like you are working on that. Take care of your relationships. Read and rest and get exercise in whatever way works best for you. Maybe listen to music. I find I can focus my thoughts pretty well when listening to Bach.  But look, I'm not trying to tell you specifically what to do - don't run to download a Bach playlist because I said so - but to find ways to nourish yourself for now, and stop beating yourself up for not spending every moment serving God in the way you think you should. 

It sounds as if your husband is driven to serve, and maybe you are taking your cue from him. Don't do that. He has his own issues and his own relationship with God. You are not made in the image of Mr TexasProud. 

This.

One thing I want to mention is the role that anxiety has had in my own Christian service. I was raised as a pastor's kid. We were always filling our time with ministry stuff. It was a pretty hectic pace because "spreading the Gospel is so important." very legalistic, because EVERYONE in the church should be serving in these exact same ways. I got the idea that packing the schedule with service and ministry opportunities was THE one and only way of serving the Lord and for Him to be pleased.

As I grew older, I realized that a full schedule and planner wasn't necessarily about serving God. It was more about placating my own anxiety. When I was busy, I didn't have to deal with it. I didn't have to depend on the Lord because I knew what was coming next. (I still struggle with blocks of time where I don't know what's coming next, which makes it so much fun when my free spirited, who needs a schedule or hotel reservation husband and I try to plan a vacation together. 🙂 )

You see, my filling my days wasn't about God. It was about me.  And I'm not saying that to shame either one of us. And for many people they CAN keep God the centerpiece while still having everything planned in a grid and knowing all of the details. But for me, when my anxiety is high, I almost have to go the opposite direction. I have to allow for blocks of time where I need to depend on the Lord. Going to a coffee shop to scroll Pinterest or read and praying "Lord, send someone for me to minister to." or doing my every day things and asking him to open my eyes to those who need me during the day. It's terrifying.

But its a new kind of dependence on the Holy Spirit. And, speaking to someone to encourage them in the grocery line isn't the kind of thing that makes one "feel like you're making a difference" but the results aren't up to me. Obedience is my only concern. My anxiety about making a difference (or just quieting the inner voices) can't be the driving force in how I fill my days.  My planner being full sometimes crowds out the moment to moment dependence on God because I don't have to. I *know* what's next on the agenda, instead of relying on Him to tell me. 

But I really do think that serving the Lord looks drastically different from what Christian culture tells us. 

[fairfarmhand]

13 hours ago, TexasProud said:

No actually, that is what I have been thinking...  That maybe I need to just delete all my writing stuff and just be a person again.  But so much wasted money.  I just paid over 300 bucks for my website hosting. 

But then again, what am I doing other than sitting in my room alone on the weeks when I am home. 

And I AM a learner.  Right now I am a part of 3 different writing groups.  I do the Table of the Beloved with Summer Joy Gross. I did a class with someone else.  So yeah, I am a student in all of those places.  

But yeah, I think I need to just quit. 

One thing you might want to consider is your idea of "wasting" There;s another post somewhere that you made about your dh "wasting" his talent if he doesn't do missions trips.  I believe that we're give talents but that doesn't mean that we use them in the exact same way for all of time and eternity. I'm excellent with teens. I have a group that I lead and it's wonderful. But when my son graduates I'm going to stop leading it because I'm tired. I've been blessed to lead it for as long as I have but I'm stepping down. Someone else can step up or not. I feel good about the decision. Is it wasting my skills and talent to stop? No. I feel the Lord's permission to stop. He'll use those gifts in other ways and the skill was used for the time that I was permitted to participate in it. When we're following Christ, there's really nothing that is "wasted."  Except those things that were done for the wrong reasons. 

[maize]

You have some real wisdom in that last piece of writing you shared. You mentioned the story you tell yourself.

There are two elements to everything we experience in life. There is the root experience--the event, what we initially perceive and feel.

And then there is the story we tell ourselves about what we are perceiving and feeling. 

And in our stories, it is very, very easy to tell ourselves lies--lies about ourselves, lies about those around us, lies about God.

When what we feel is some kind of distress coming from deep inside--whether that is an emotional flashback or physical pain or a brain disrupted by hormones or neurotransmitters fluctuating, or by inflammation or sleep deficit or stress--we tell ourselves a story to explain and justify the distress we are feeling. 

Those stories are ALWAYS lies if they involve anything other than the root causes mentioned above (or other physical--because brain activity IS physical--causes we are aware could be behind our distress). The stories tend tp be about how awful either we or someone near to us is, as being awful seems to explain the distress we feel.

This of course doesn't mean that any and all feelings of guilt are lies. If I dig up my neighbor's rosebushes and plant them in my own yard, I'm going to feel guilty and I'm going to know exactly why. Same thing if I slash the tires of the parent whose kid got the theatre role my kid wanted. I can feel justifiable rage if my spouse cheats on me or my neighbor cuts down my beloved pistachio trees.

But let's be honest: most of us aren't going around actively seeking to harm the people around us--and those who do habitually do such things have probably buried any ability to feel guilt over it. If I'm a pretty normal human trying to be decent and do some good in the world, surrounded by other people mostly doing likewise, feelings of profound shame or raging blame aren't actually going to result from my behavior or that of those around me.

Those feelings come from a brain experiencing distress,  and turning that into a story about how awful I or someone else is is just embracing a lie.

I mention stories about both self and others because both of these are common reactions people have to underlying distress, anxiety, and depression; some people are more prone to self-blaming stories and others are more prone to others-blaming stories; some people do both. Both types of stories are equally false and equally harmful.

[TexasProud]

4 hours ago, marbel said:

 

But what I mean is, go about your life, the life you have now. Take care of yourself - sounds like you are working on that. Take care of your relationships. Read and rest and get exercise in whatever way works best for you. Maybe listen to music. I find I can focus my thoughts pretty well when listening to Bach.  But look, I'm not trying to tell you specifically what to do - don't run to download a Bach playlist because I said so - but to find ways to nourish yourself for now, and stop beating yourself up for not spending every moment serving God in the way you think you should. 

 

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I have to allow for blocks of time where I need to depend on the Lord. Going to a coffee shop to scroll Pinterest or read and praying "Lord, send someone for me to minister to." or doing my every day things and asking him to open my eyes to those who need me during the day. It's terrifying.

But its a new kind of dependence on the Holy Spirit. And, speaking to someone to encourage them in the grocery line isn't the kind of thing that makes one "feel like you're making a difference" but the results aren't up to me. Obedience is my only concern. 

@marbel and @fairfarmhand  I agree with both of you up to a point.  But what does it mean to "go about your life" /"doing my every day thing" 

I guess that is my issue right now.  There is nothing I have to do.  I mean could I clean.  Sure, but I don't have to.  Could I go piddle in the garden? Yeah, I would rather not.  If there is not anything on my calendar, then I will be on here 24/7.   I already read.  I took a bath yesterday.  I am going walking with a friend today.  But without the teaching job to plan for or whatever, how do I spend my days that doesn't result in my ruminating???  

Does that make sense? I mean right now.  What little time I am home has me at home by myself in my study.  

[TexasProud]

17 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

One thing you might want to consider is your idea of "wasting" There;s another post somewhere that you made about your dh "wasting" his talent if he doesn't do missions trips.  I believe that we're give talents but that doesn't mean that we use them in the exact same way for all of time and eternity. I'm excellent with teens. I have a group that I lead and it's wonderful. But when my son graduates I'm going to stop leading it because I'm tired. I've been blessed to lead it for as long as I have but I'm stepping down. Someone else can step up or not. I feel good about the decision. Is it wasting my skills and talent to stop? No. I feel the Lord's permission to stop. He'll use those gifts in other ways and the skill was used for the time that I was permitted to participate in it. When we're following Christ, there's really nothing that is "wasted."  Except those things that were done for the wrong reasons. 

edited for privacy

Edited May 16 by TexasProud

[SKL]

12 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 

@marbel and @fairfarmhand  I agree with both of you up to a point.  But what does it mean to "go about your life" /"doing my every day thing" 

I guess that is my issue right now.  There is nothing I have to do.  I mean could I clean.  Sure, but I don't have to.  Could I go piddle in the garden? Yeah, I would rather not.  If there is not anything on my calendar, then I will be on here 24/7.   I already read.  I took a bath yesterday.  I am going walking with a friend today.  But without the teaching job to plan for or whatever, how do I spend my days that doesn't result in my ruminating???  

Does that make sense? I mean right now.  What little time I am home has me at home by myself in my study.  

The same way you plan for stints away from home, you could plan projects for when you're at home.

I am probably just a lot different from you.  I think I could stay busy for at least a year, just addressing things around my house, in between the daily combination of self-care and leisure activities that retirees get to choose from.  I'd probably keep a running list and just pick from it on any given day at home.

If you feel too young for that ... if you need to be doing something to help the greater society ...

Instead of trying to think of specific activities you are good at, maybe break it down into more basic talents that you have, that can be used in various ways.  When I did this years ago, I kinda surprised myself by realizing that my main talent is organizing (as in, taking a pile of mess and turning it into something that makes sense / looks good / fits into a space).  The "pile of mess" could be data, clutter, or the weird US spelling system.  No wonder I always loved jigsaw puzzles.  😛

Well, your most basic talent is probably something else, but if you figure out what it is, then you could probably apply it to all aspects of your life.  How to help others, keep house, plan your retirement, or just live in the moment.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

The same way you plan for stints away from home, you could plan projects for when you're at home.

I am probably just a lot different from you.  I think I could stay busy for at least a year, just addressing things around my house, in between the daily combination of self-care and leisure activities that retirees get to choose from.  I'd probably keep a running list and just pick from it on any given day at home.

I

Yeah, but if I have no one to do them for, I won't do them.  That is fine. I don't have to save the world, but if I have decluttering or organizing photos or whatever.... the ONLY time I have gotten those done is when my husband has gotten involved. 

[fairfarmhand]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Now wait, I completely agree with you. I led children's choirs for over 20 years, and taught for 25 years either public, homeschool or private.  I stepped away from leading it when I went to seminary and I was going to stop teaching at well, but the school closed anyway.  I felt totally at peace even though there is no children's choir program anymore because no one picked it up. I felt deeply called to give it up and do seminary...why, I wasn't sure.  Then I found the writing and had such a blast in the creative writing and writing for publication classes.  It was fun not to teach about writing, but to actually do it myself. 

So yes, I totally agree with you. 

But that is HIS decision.  Heck he is still second guessing whether or not he should have retired, though he eventually comes back to the fact that he couldn't go at the pace that was expected of him. His specialty is insane.  He wouldn't be able to work enough to pay his overhead.  But I feel fine because it was HIS decision.   HE has to decide when to call it quits with his medical skills. No way in hell will I tell him that is what he should do.  And right now he is able to do what he is doing. The pace is fine. 

We had other thoughts when we started that journey, like locum tenems, but you have to have been practicing in the US in the previous two years.  He took a few months off when he retired to rest ( as he needed to) and when he started applying, Covid hit.  And then there were no ortho locum tenems for 2 years, so...

But he is such a good teacher.  A lot of what he does on all of his mission work is work with the residents.  He is so patient and kind and does such a good job of explaining and letting them do it and not being "I am Mr Super Surgeon...watch me work..."  They all adore him.   They get excited when they find out "the teacher" is coming to work with them.  

At some point the surgery part will end.  He just renewed his board certification (which is a huge process. They let him use all of his overseas cases) for the next ten years and says this is the last time he will do it. 

But HE has to be called and feel the same kind of peace I felt when I stepped away from all of my church responsibilities. 

Oh I realize you’re not in charge of your dh. But don’t think you’re wasting anything if you decide to not publish or whatever. It’s not the specific thing I’m meaning, it’s the overall mindset. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Oh I realize you’re not in charge of your dh. But don’t think you’re wasting anything if you decide to not publish or whatever. It’s not the specific thing I’m meaning, it’s the overall mindset. 

Oh, ok.  Yes, that is something I completely believe.  Nothing goes to waste and it has been really cool to see how God has used all of my experiences.  Yeah, I am fine giving up the writing. 

But I do need another challenge and I am completely outwardly motivated, so I am not sure how to do the resting or taking care of myself or whatever it is y'all think I am needing to do. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Oh, ok.  Yes, that is something I completely believe.  Nothing goes to waste and it has been really cool to see how God has used all of my experiences.  Yeah, I am fine giving up the writing. 

But I do need another challenge and I am completely outwardly motivated, so I am not sure how to do the resting or taking care of myself or whatever it is y'all think I am needing to do. 

I get that. I think the key is to find a way to structure it so you’re still enjoying it and not making it a legalistic obligation rather than a joy. 

[SKL]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but if I have no one to do them for, I won't do them.  That is fine. I don't have to save the world, but if I have decluttering or organizing photos or whatever.... the ONLY time I have gotten those done is when my husband has gotten involved. 

I'm not sure how to address not wanting to do something for your own home.  I guess one could hire a house cleaner and then go do one-off services for nonprofits or shut-ins.

My grandma was a house maid as a youngster, and she blamed that for why she loathed house cleaning.  She never wanted to clean her own house (which was a bit legendary given how much stuff she enjoyed having ... not gross enough for Hoarders, but a lot of stuff).

Instead of sitting in the house not cleaning, she would work part-time at the local department store.  As she got older, it was more seasonal work.  She really enjoyed this although (or because?) she did not need to do it.  She didn't even drive - she'd go to work and back on the city bus.  It kept her engaged well into her 80s.

Edited May 15 by SKL

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

I'm not sure how to address not wanting to do something for your own home.  I guess one could hire a house cleaner and then go do one-off services for nonprofits or shut-ins.

My grandma was a house maid as a youngster, and she blamed that for why she loathed house cleaning.  She never wanted to clean her own house (which was a bit legendary given how much stuff she enjoyed having ... not gross enough for Hoarders, but a lot of stuff).

Instead of sitting in the house not cleaning, she would work part-time at the local department store.  As she got older, it was more seasonal work.  She really enjoyed this although she did not need to do it.  She didn't even drive - she'd go to work and back on the city bus.  It kept her engaged well into her 80s.

I keep it clean enough.  I mean with only two people here...  If I do clean it, it takes maybe half a day each week.  Maybe.  I do keep up with the laundry pretty easily.

But again SKL, I am not here enough to do what your grandma did.  If we didn't travel that much, as I said, I could EASILY come up with a schedule:
I would help out with the children's theater in the next town and audition for their stuff and the stuff in the other larger town.  I have found an adult tap class I can take. I would probably lead a ladies Bible study occasionally.  Mostly I would just attend one.  I would find one of the nonprofits to go volunteer.  Or maybe I would teach part time where my best friend teaches. 

LOL, but there I go filling my time.  Which some of you said.  Just be still.  But again, I do not know how to be still inside my own home.  And I am sure that is partly due to my background.  My home wasn't safe, so I was there as little as possible.  But still, I don't know how I am supposed to "be still" and rest at home without ruminating or getting on here for some huge discussion. 

[SKL]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

I keep it clean enough.  I mean with only two people here...  If I do clean it, it takes maybe half a day each week.  Maybe.  I do keep up with the laundry pretty easily.

But again SKL, I am not here enough to do what your grandma did.  If we didn't travel that much, as I said, I could EASILY come up with a schedule:
I would help out with the children's theater in the next town and audition for their stuff and the stuff in the other larger town.  I have found an adult tap class I can take. I would probably lead a ladies Bible study occasionally.  Mostly I would just attend one.  I would find one of the nonprofits to go volunteer.  Or maybe I would teach part time where my best friend teaches. 

LOL, but there I go filling my time.  Which some of you said.  Just be still.  But again, I do not know how to be still inside my own home.  And I am sure that is partly due to my background.  My home wasn't safe, so I was there as little as possible.  But still, I don't know how I am supposed to "be still" and rest at home without ruminating or getting on here for some huge discussion. 

I'll bet there are one-offs at nonprofits that don't require you to be there all the time.  I know I could easily find a whole calendar full of them where I live.

And maybe you would be able to "be still" (spiritually) while sorting kiddy shoes or other simple helpful things with your hands.  Just a thought.

[marbel]

Do you have to stay in your house? Do you have libraries, parks, museums, art galleries, etc that you can spend time in? Museums are great for contemplation, in my experience anyway. 

Maybe you live on a tiny town, I don't know, but you've said you like a road trip; what's within, say, a 2 hour drive?

ETA, I don't mean post a list for me. I'm asking what can you find for yourself 

Edited May 15 by marbel

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

Do you have to stay in your house? Do you have libraries, parks, museums, art galleries, etc that you can spend time in? Museums are great for contemplation, in my experience anyway. 

Maybe you live on a tiny town, I don't know, but you've said you like a road trip; what's within, say, a 2 hour drive? 

We have an oil museum and a drill team museum.  LOL...  I mean.  I can go to our town library which is a Carnegie library.  But then what do you DO?  

[marbel]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

We have an oil museum and a drill team museum.  LOL...  I mean.  I can go to our town library which is a Carnegie library.  But then what do you DO?  

Um, browse the books and magazines, find something of interest, possibly a new hobby? Recently I randomly picked up a book on mending and have seriously enjoyed learning to darn socks.

Edited May 15 by marbel

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

Um, browse the books and magazines, find something of interest, possibly a new hobby? Recently I randomly picked up a book on mending and have seriously enjoyed learning to darn socks.

Yes, but that will take 10 minutes.  What about the rest of the hours?

And LOL, my mom was a seamstress and a really good one.  But her way to darn socks was to say, "Oh darn" and put them in the trash.  My hubby and I laughed and thought about her just the other day when he did that....  

But seriously, cool that you are learning to do that.  My mom tried to teach me how to sew.  It was an epic fail.  My sister, on the other hand, makes Rennaissance costumes and other things by hand. 

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, but that will take 10 minutes.  What about the rest of the hours?

And LOL, my mom was a seamstress and a really good one.  But her way to darn socks was to say, "Oh darn" and put them in the trash.  My hubby and I laughed and thought about her just the other day when he did that....  

But seriously, cool that you are learning to do that.  My mom tried to teach me how to sew.  It was an epic fail.  My sister, on the other hand, makes Rennaissance costumes and other things by hand. 

OK, I wasn't specifically suggesting that you learn how to mend clothing. It was just an example of things that one might find in a library.

But, OK, I get it, you live in a tiny town with a tiny library and nothing of interest. 

Maybe to shake up your life a little you should take a trip to a city on your own. Like, I don't know, a city a 3-hour drive away, or if you are that remote, an hour flight? Find some places to explore.  Just you, not with your husband who, I am guessing, would end up leading the whole thing and going where he felt you should go. (I'm just guessing based on how you describe him, so I know I could be wrong, but if you respond, don't defend him because this isn't about him. ) 

You just seem so stuck and maybe going somewhere and doing some completely different things would help. 

Or go big. One of my kids was in a bad slump and was temporarily unemployed, so rather suddenly went to England to see a specific museum exhibit. It was life-changing and I mean that in all the good ways. 

[fairfarmhand]

So what happens if you teach school in the school year and travel with your dh in the summers and on breaks from school?

What happens if you teach Sunday School as part of a team and your co-teacher teaches when you're out of town? 

What happens if you host (note I said host, not lead. My church uses video studies so we have a host who pushes play on the video and reads the discussion questions, but doesn't have tons of teaching responsibility) a 6-8 week Bible study for the time periods when you're at home? 

What happens if you create short term mini classes for homeschool families? So a 5 week session on Blogging? Or something similar? 

I'm just trying to think of ways that you can use those odd blocks of time that you're around to serve the community and plug in with other people.  Because I really think that you long for connection but see that it IS at odds with your travel schedule to make those longer term commitments. 

NOTE: I'm not suggesting these things to pack your schedule. I'm offering them as ideas to have a bit of a framework to your time. You're right, structure is needed for many of us depending on our personalities, as long as we're not using structure as a way of escaping from uncomfortable things. Or Busyness to hide from hard feelings. 

Edited May 15 by fairfarmhand

[domestic_engineer]

I’ve only skimmed this thread, but I thought I’d pass along this article on religious scrupulosity. 
https://www.plough.com/en/topics/faith/discipleship/living-with-religious-scrupulosity-or-moral-ocd

The author, O. Alan Noble, also wrote a great, SHORT book “on getting out of bed”. 

[Hannah]

I’m not someone who can be still either, but I have found art classes to be very therapeutic to just be in the moment and getting into the flow. It is the closest I’ll get to being still apart from getting lost in a book.  And I’m fine with that.   I’ve got a very outcomes driven personality and I’m a fixer.  I like to fill my time because I’m happier doing stuff.

In my art class I do criticise myself a lot, and the gap between my taste and skill is huge, but when I remind myself it’s about the process, and not the result, I enjoy it the most.

The other times I’ve really have to be in the moment and get out of fixing mode is when I do lay counselling. Just making space to hold someone’s pain or anxiety without trying to offer solutions right away. Acknowledging them and validating how they feel. It requires inner stillness.

Our environment is probably similar to what you’ve experienced in Kenya where the need is obvious and huge, but I think there could still be part-time volunteering opportunities in your community that will make you feel satisfied that you’ve done your part. 

Maybe you’re overlooking the really simple things like reading to someone in a care home, or leading devotions. You can tell them up front it will be short-term.

Hospitals have chaplains who can direct you to someone who just needs more time than the chaplain can give. Nobody is in hospital long enough to start relying on you to come back.  There is a charity here called Hospivision that trains volunteers as lay counsellors to do this work, but I’m sure there would be other ways of going about it. 

Writing is not my thing, but could getting into a state of flow give you that stillness?

 

[TexasProud]

11 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

So what happens if you teach school in the school year and travel with your dh in the summers and on breaks from school?

What happens if you teach Sunday School as part of a team and your co-teacher teaches when you're out of town? 

What happens if you host (note I said host, not lead. My church uses video studies so we have a host who pushes play on the video and reads the discussion questions, but doesn't have tons of teaching responsibility) a 6-8 week Bible study for the time periods when you're at home? 

What happens if you create short term mini classes for homeschool families? So a 5 week session on Blogging? Or something similar? 

I'm just trying to think of ways that you can use those odd blocks of time that you're around to serve the community and plug in with other people.  Because I really think that you long for connection but see that it IS at odds with your travel schedule to make those longer term commitments. 

NOTE: I'm not suggesting these things to pack your schedule. I'm offering them as ideas to have a bit of a framework to your time. You're right, structure is needed for many of us depending on our personalities, as long as we're not using structure as a way of escaping from uncomfortable things. Or Busyness to hide from hard feelings. 

edited for privay

Edited May 16 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, that is exactly what I have been doing.  And we have compromised with the mission work.  So I only went for 3 weeks in January while he stayed 6.  I organized a 2 week Easter devotional: recruited the writers, edited their work, filmed them, and then put it together.  Another staff member developed the graphics I used, put the booklet together and put it all on our church website.  I really enjoyed doing that.  I also came up with an idea for our ladies weekend retreat.  I mapped it out, but then we all split the teaching ( I am super good at organizing and delegating.  Believe me.  I don't leave it all to me.) 

I am not going with him in July to Kenya.  I am hosting some AEP girls and leading VBS music.  I am also going to do the book club.  I have the books.  I like them.  I have the study guide. It isn't hard. 

I will also probably try to plug into some charity work, but will give myself grace if it takes me all summer to figure it out.  It will make it easier next time.  

I already started a talk with him about the fact that I was home last summer as well, but it is hard because there are no regular activities and everyone else is traveling. I wondered about switching up our traveling somehow so that I was home for longer chunks when other people are around. Also, he rotates on to being chairman of the deacons in January and it is a 2 year term.  He tried to get out of it because of all the traveling, but the men really want him to do and the vice guy said he would just cover. But I am also going to suggest that maybe we slow down for those two years somehow.  Maybe only do the mission work and NOT the 5 week RV trips.  Anyway, we are still negotiating/talking through all of this. So we will see. 

But yes, I have done that.  I lead one of those video studies one time in a break when I was home.  I am on the ladies ministry team so I get some input on when things are scheduled. 🙂 

I am not big into teaching school while he goes off and travels.  We did that when I was in seminary and the year I was taking care of my mom...  He even admitted that it is hard.  You get into your independent lives and it is hard. Neither of us liked it all that much. 

Well, it sounds like you're doing great. What about that doesn't feel like enough for you? Are you enjoying these things? Are there stateside ways for him to use his medical stuff on a more limited basis to limit the overseas travel? Because that seems to really be some of the hangup. Those trips are long and for the amount of time it takes to get there, you have to stay awhile to make it worthwhile. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I’ve been thinking about what I would do in that situation and it reminded me of a tough phase of my life.  We had very little money, and I had been in a car accident that left me injured for over a year, during which it looked like I might end up permanently a little impaired, and left us with only one car.  DD was a toddler and a joy, but I felt kind of trapped, what with the pain and the mobility issue.  So I started trading babysitting with another mom.  Each of our children spent one full day per week at the other one’s house.  We packed lunches for our own kids, and so it was a pretty easy play date situation.  Each of us had a pack n play and a folding high chair for the other child.  So when I got tired of my situation, or frantic, or very very bored or tired in general, I would look forward to that one day of completely free time, and I would plan what I would do that day.  I had kind of a running list of things, and they were not all ‘accomplishments’ but included, for instance, a walk in a local Japanese garden that I wanted to see, or a quick visit to the quirky little local museum, or scouting a stream for a possible future creek walk with the toddlers, or reading part of a book I had been wanting to fit in.  Having something to look forward to kept me going.  Sometimes I visited thrift stores.  I made bread and pizza doughs and put them in the fridge for later in the weeks, something I find kind of enjoyable.  

So that’s one clue.

Another one is, if I were you specifically, I think I would do some planning around keeping in touch with people when I was in and out of the area.  Like, is there a good way to use an overseas posting system to record messages for a friend?  Or even just making sure I had lightweight airmail stationary to use on those trips.  And the other thing I would do is try to figure out an oasis of safety and comfort in my house—not the whole place, but just ‘a’ place in it—a room or maybe a gazebo/she shed or something like that.

[Garga]

Stay home and read trashy novels and get take out all summer. And watch lots and lots of tv. 

If you can find a pool, maybe go swimming once in a while. Sometimes go out to the movies and eat a tub of popcorn. 

Your dh is productive all the time, but you don’t seem to necessarily want to be. So don’t.

Edited May 16 by Garga

[Chris in VA]

On 5/15/2024 at 3:28 PM, marbel said:

 

Because I don't think of God as the master of the parable. That master is not kind and loving. He doesn't know everything about his servants. But God is kind and loving, and he knows everything about us - what we're thinking, feeling, stressing out over. Even you. And he loves us anyway. 

 

(Just an aside--When I first heard this parable, my teacher stopped partway thru to ask which person we thought was doing the right thing; I thought the one who buried the treasure was the smart one, because she kept it safe! Imagine my surprise when my Sun Sch teacher said I was wrong, and went on to read the rest of the parable. 😁

And I never thought of God as the Master--I think of God as the treasure.)

 

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

(Just an aside--When I first heard this parable, my teacher stopped partway thru to ask which person we thought was doing the right thing; I thought the one who buried the treasure was the smart one, because she kept it safe! Imagine my surprise when my Sun Sch teacher said I was wrong, and went on to read the rest of the parable. 😁

And I never thought of God as the Master--I think of God as the treasure.)

 

This parable left me so anxious as a kid. Am I using my Talents to their fullest? 

I also believed that the buried treasure was the smartest. 

[TexasProud]

You guys would probably not be surprised to hear that the parable of the talents has always been one of my theme verses. 🙂  I always said that I was the 2.  I didn't waste it like the 1, but I didn't have the massive amount of talent like the 5.  But man, I at least doubled mine and made it a 4 or maybe a 5. 

It used to drive me a little crazy, this isn't church related, but in music.  I would practice my tail off.  Really work on the musicality and such and wouldn't make the try-out and then this stupid guy  or gal who never practiced and had so much more natural talent would just practice a little the day before and make it.  So, so frustrating...  Partially because I could see how good they would be if they had just spend the time on their talent.  I remember praying sometimes...couldn't you just give me a little bit of theirs, I promise I will make the most of it!  🙂  

[SKL]

The talent discussion would actually be a great thread.

I struggle with this in guiding my kids.  They have talents.  Not amazing Guinness book talents, but they have abilities they put to minimal use.  When they were little, I made them practice stuff, but now, I believe it needs to be their decision.  But it's not an easy area to let go and just watch.

Well, looking back, my mom probably thought the same thing about me.  😛  Should I have regrets?  Whether I should or not, I really don't regret having dropped various things in youth / young adulthood.  Maybe some of those things are seasonal.  I still might pick some back up in retirement / empty nest phase.  But if God had meant me to use them all my life, why did I [accidentally] end up in a career that doesn't use them?  Also, maybe we would benefit from an expanded definition of "talent."

[bolt.]

I think some of the confusion might be around the definition of "talent". In the original setting, "a talent" was simply an amount of money. It was never a personal attribute of any kind.

It was people/cultures that decided that the 'talent' in the parable must stand for some kind of naturally occurring personal attribute, skill, or affinity -- that we started using a money word from the ancient word as if it actually held the cultural meaning that we ourselves assigned it.

In reality none of our human 'talents' are at all related to Biblical 'talents' -- except under a certain very humanistic interpretive lens.

Coming from Jesus, the talent story is very similar to other 'harvest' stories: a thing is planted and it multiples. Therefore it's probably a kingdom story, and it's the kingdom that multiples. Therefore we ought to ask ourselves what 'deposit of the kingdom' is growing and multiplying in our lives right now. And, maybe, in what ways might our fears hinder this natural function (seeds grow naturally, and deposits grow naturally -- unless they are stopped).

And no, God is probably not the master either. The master stands as the 'reasonable observer' who knows that money tends to grow proportionally unless it is stopped from doing so. (And so he is surprised and angered in a human manner that the normal growth of money was disrupted in one case.) You are being encouraged to also be a 'reasonable observer' who knows that the kingdom is a thing that tends to grow and spread, and to be the kind of observer who can see and appreciate the fruit of the kingdom.

(By "grow and spread" I mean that it has an increasing influence within people's lives, making them more virtuous and Christlike, and within their sphere in the way they treat others and help goodness flourish in the world, and also by holding space for others to enter the kingdom -- not just by 'ministries' having larger attendance numbers.)

I don't think Jesus really cares if everybody who has a musical sense goes ahead to develop that to a performance level. I don't think he cares at all about 'talented' athletes. I don't even think he cares about our designation of certain 'talents' of intellect and IQ -- except that he would want them are able to grow in virtue and contribute actual good works. In my interpretation, those things aren't the 'talents' he's talking about.

[maize]

I agree that the Parable of the Talent as Jesus told it and meant it had nothing whatsoever to do with things like musical skill or any personal skill or aptitude the way we typically use the word "talent" in English these days.

[regentrude]

Coming late since I didn't have internet for a few days...

You feel what you feel. There is no "shouldn't". Even if you felt attracted to another person, as you used as example, it would just be a feeling. You needn't act on it.

You can observe and acknowledge your feelings and then let them go. It's ok to have negative feelings.  To feel angry, disappointed,  lonely. You thank the feelings for telling you what they're telling you and then let them pass. 

Btw, nobody in my family posts gushy posts on social media. Thats just not some people's style.

[regentrude]

On 5/13/2024 at 4:27 PM, TexasProud said:

I would LOVE a surprise party with tons of people.  I've thrown two for my husband. Once when he was 30 and the other was his surprise retirement party.  He loved both.  I have been part of several surprise birthday events with many of my friends.  I've never had one and would really like one.  But that isn't the kind of thing you ask for.  But to have a giant party that I did not have to plan sounds glorious. As narcissistic as that sounds...

Why can you not ask for that? How else is he to know that you would love him to plan a giant party for you? It's not like you're asking for a body part. You say he likes to make you happy.

[regentrude]

On 5/14/2024 at 6:15 PM, TexasProud said:

 I mean I believe everything I write for the podcast and such.  And that is what my writing is, it is teaching.  I mean that is what all of these writing things are saying, "You are the expert and solving a problem for your readers."
 

What are "all these writing things" that say this??? Unless you're the writer of an advice column or a textbook, no, that's not the purpose of writing. Nor is that what most readers look for in the things they read.

 

[regentrude]

On 5/15/2024 at 5:53 AM, TexasProud said:

Ah, I've got it. Not sure if I do to be honest.  My audience is super super small right now.  And that is ok.  Now 50 people that I know and interact with that might miss me when I am gone.. maybe. At times in my life there would have been hundreds. Heck I often taught 150-200 students in a year. 

You don't know whom you touched and whose life you changed. It's not a numbers game either.  Perhaps one word, at the right time heard by a person who needed it, was life-changing. Perhaps that is enough.

I have taught 15,000 students. Maybe made a difference for a handful. Maybe not even through my teaching, but through a random word I said after class. Maybe one of my poems touched a reader and helped them in a dark time.

We are not to know. It is not up to us to measure. You believe in  God who is merciful. Who gives grace. Trust that this God knows that you made an impact. I am no longer Christian. I simply believe that any good deed, thought, energy, joy I put into the world counts in some small way. That has to be enough. It's not remembrance after death that's important.  It's that you contributed to the good in the world. 

Edited May 17 by regentrude