“Protest behavior”

[scholastica]

28 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

It’s fine. I appreciate the feedback! 

You’d think at age 40+ you’d be dealing with men. But I think I’m still dealing with boys.

I think most men who are 40+ who are actual grown-ups and want to be married or in a committed relationship are. That leaves just a few who may be still looking and a whole lot of immature men hiding them. 

[heartlikealion]

2 hours ago, scholastica said:

I think most men who are 40+ who are actual grown-ups and want to be married or in a committed relationship are. That leaves just a few who may be still looking and a whole lot of immature men hiding them. 

Well yes and no? Because many could be recently divorced or single in my age group. Like one of my guy friends came out of a 10 yr relationship. But he’s not looking for a new one, so maybe bad example lol 

[heartlikealion]

I was talking to a guy and he had to cancel our date last week. It was rescheduled for tonight after I dropped off the kids. We had flirty banter but when he acted like I’d invite him over to my place on our first date I was taken aback. I set my boundaries and I guess he couldn’t handle it because he ghosted me. I told myself I dodged a bullet. And due to my experience in putting too many eggs in one basket, I never stopped looking.

A normal sounding guy responded to me tonight. I can tell being a “good mom” is high on his wish list. There’s nothing wrong with that but I don’t want to be overlooked as an individual because some man wants a stepmom figure. One day at a time, though. 

I absolutely hate it when guys wear sunglasses in their profile picture. I gave one a shot but he was less attractive to me when I saw a pic without them. Moving forward I’ll return to avoiding those guys lol we did speak briefly but he was boring lol 

The one that I agreed to be friends with — he reached out to me twice last week on his own accord. So I dunno if we’re friends or what. He called me “kiddo” once which was painful. He’s older and I’ve jokingly called him grandpa before (he called himself old and we joked about his bedtime) so maybe that was payback. If we remain friends, great. If not, I’ll hopefully make others. 

The friend I hung out with on NYE got really weird (talking about blood and voodoo) and I told him I’d need to stop talking to him. He didn’t seem to get it. I blocked him. 

[heartlikealion]

No progress. Getting more numb and jaded about dating. Trying to meet new people to hang out with. My “friend” and I barely talk, had been weeks til I ran into him. I really think everyone is full of $hit. 

I went out with a guy that checked the lifestyle boxes… non smoker, tries to take care of himself, physically fit… but he was a little pushy (ex. currently has no car and wanted me to pick him up before we ever met. I said no and we met later somewhere he could bike or walk) and boring. I think if you don’t have a car you probably shouldn’t be on a dating app. Also incredibly busy since he has full custody. 

I make very little effort now and if they want to talk to me they can reach out. If they’re not motivated enough then that’s my sign. I don’t care if the real reason is shyness. Grow a pair, lol 

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I think if you don’t have a car you probably shouldn’t be on a dating app. 

Huh? Why is having a car a prerequisite for seeking a relationship?

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Huh? Why is having a car a prerequisite for seeking a relationship?

Because unless you are willing to use a bus or pay for Uber/Lyft etc then it makes meeting your date very difficult. They did not want to do that based on our interactions. So the one day we didn’t meet at all (since I didn’t want to pick up a stranger) and the other times I went to their neighborhood. 

I think this is more difficult if you’re a man, although I was not asking to be picked up. 

I don’t want the start of a relationship to be a burden nor do I want to get stuck picking up a guy repeatedly. Which is what probably would happen. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

Huh? Why is having a car a prerequisite for seeking a relationship?

 

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Because unless you are willing to use a bus or pay for Uber/Lyft etc then it makes meeting your date very difficult. They did not want to do that based on our interactions. So the one day we didn’t meet at all (since I didn’t want to pick up a stranger) and the other times I went to their neighborhood. 

I think this is more difficult if you’re a man, although I was not asking to be picked up. 

I don’t want the start of a relationship to be a burden nor do I want to get stuck picking up a guy repeatedly. Which is what probably would happen. 

I completely agree with you @heartlikealion

[Heartstrings]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

Huh? Why is having a car a prerequisite for seeking a relationship?

I live somewhere with no public transportation.   Having a job, his own place and his own car were absolute bare minimum requirements for me when I was dating, to avoid bums.   Having a car is a good weed out requirement.    There are a SHOCKING number of men who live with their mama with no car and no job.  

Edited February 23 by Heartstrings

[heartlikealion]

28 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

I live somewhere with no public transportation.   Having a job, his own place and his own car were absolute bare minimum requirements for me when I was dating, to avoid bums.   Having a car is a good weed out requirement.    There are a SHOCKING number of men who live with their mama with no car and no job.  

I’ve learned that many of the men my age actually don’t have their act together and I try not to judge harshly as neither do I. But I’m not going to complicate my life for someone I just met. I’ve got enough financial burdens to deal with. The car wasn’t the real deal breaker. Another guy I’ve been talking to just lost his vehicle due to not meeting a payment from Lyft (Lyft provided the vehicle). 

I know my car could die on me at any time and I’d be up a creek as my original budget was way off with take home pay. But I wouldn’t expect strangers to pick me up for dates (that’s a safety thing mostly). I’d just assume remove myself from the dating pool. Unless I met someone organically and things naturally worked out. Still, I hate relying on men. I don’t want to be dependent. 

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Heartstrings said:

I live somewhere with no public transportation.   Having a job, his own place and his own car were absolute bare minimum requirements for me when I was dating, to avoid bums.   Having a car is a good weed out requirement.    

Job, I agree. But car? That weeds out a number of decent, responsible men who, for some reason or other, don't have a car. 
I lived car-free for several years and did everything by bicycle. My high school boyfriend, who is a successful doctor and not a bum, does not drive for ethical reasons; he bikes everywhere, even when he had a 20 mile one-way commute. 
Some people cannot drive because of health reasons, for example because they are vision impaired or have mobility limitations like cerebral palsy. I have several friends and family who can't drive; I am bothered by hearing that they are automatically considered unworthy of a relationship.

Of course, you date whomever you want. But I think using car ownership as a proxy for dateable leaves out a lot of good people. 
 

Edited February 23 by regentrude

[teachermom2834]

I bet if someone had a super reasonable explanation for why they don’t drive, and had taken the initiative to get themselves where they needed to go, and otherwise had their lives together I suspect Heart would consider it. But just not having a car because they can’t make it work and expecting her to pick them up all the time isn’t a good way to start out. But I could be off base of course. 
 

Someone that doesn’t drive for ethical or medical reasons but otherwise is a good candidate probably has figured out how to make their life work and would leave a different impression. And wouldn’t lead with “can you pick me up I don’t have a car”

[Heartstrings]

8 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Job, I agree. But car? That weeds out a number of decent, responsible men who, for some reason or other, don't have a car. 
I lived car-free for several years and did everything by bicycle. My high school boyfriend, who is a successful doctor and not a bum, does not drive for ethical reasons; he bikes everywhere, even when he had a 20 mile one-way commute. 
Some people cannot drive because of health reasons, for example because they are vision impaired or have mobility limitations like cerebral palsy. I have several friends and family who can't drive; I am bothered by hearing that they are automatically considered unworthy of a relationship.

Of course, you date whomever you want. But I think using car ownership as a proxy for dateable leaves out a lot of good people. 
 

I’m sure I would have considered someone going without for ethical reasons but with the means to purchase one if he desired.   Where I am is very car dependent and not having a car generally precludes a decent job.  While not impossible, it’s extremely unlikely that someone would be biking the 30 miles one way, on a very busy interstate service road to the place where jobs are.  Thinking about it, I’m not sure the service road does go straight through, you’d need to bike on the interstate or unsafe through detours or hours on the back roads., 
You’ll just have to trust that where I am it’s mostly bums.  No car generally means no job and no place of their own, unless they live with a parent or at a hotel.  It’s just very, very difficult to function without a car where I am.  

Edited February 23 by Heartstrings

[Heartstrings]

36 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I bet if someone had a super reasonable explanation for why they don’t drive, and had taken the initiative to get themselves where they needed to go, and otherwise had their lives together I suspect Heart would consider it. But just not having a car because they can’t make it work and expecting her to pick them up all the time isn’t a good way to start out. But I could be off base of course. 
 

Someone that doesn’t drive for ethical or medical reasons but otherwise is a good candidate probably has figured out how to make their life work and would leave a different impression. And wouldn’t lead with “can you pick me up I don’t have a car”

Yes, "job, place, car" was really a shorthand for "has life together in a way that is suitable for a relationship".   Someone without a car but with a good reason probably would have been fine. The initiative and tenacity it would take to live where I am with no vehicle and still live life as a functional adult would have been impressive all on its own.  I was just not interested in guys with no future, of which there is a surprising number, the vast majority of whom struggle with maintaining a job, place, and car all at the same time, especially over a longer period of say 6 months to a year.   I met several because a few of my girl friends at the time seemed to want to "fix" every bum in our county. 

Edited February 23 by Heartstrings

[heartlikealion]

I can elaborate, not that it matters as I lost interest in the guy lol 

In a way I think he’s worse off than me because he has full custody and only one bedroom. His child stays in the living room. This has been the case about 2 years. So I feel like in that time frame he should have maybe sought a 2 bedroom. Obviously money is an issue. His vehicle broke down and he’s trying to save up to replace it.

I don’t know why even the ones that don’t present as struggling are the ones I get 🤣

He shows no sense of urgency to get a 2 bedroom. In my case I feel like if dd was with me FT I’d manage to get a 2 bedroom. 

Edited February 24 by heartlikealion

[heartlikealion]

I’m gonna say it and I know it’s shallow but just food for thought. You don’t know a guy and he bikes 20 miles to meet you… you think he’s not gonna arrive all sweaty? Not ideal on a romantic meeting. 

There are just so many reasons this seems like a “I’ve known you a while so we’ll make this work” vs “yeah this seems practical and not at all inconvenient” in regards to forming partnerships. 

[ktgrok]

3 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

I live somewhere with no public transportation.   Having a job, his own place and his own car were absolute bare minimum requirements for me when I was dating, to avoid bums.   Having a car is a good weed out requirement.    There are a SHOCKING number of men who live with their mama with no car and no job.  

Same. And as others said, if there was truly a valid, logical reason for not having one AND the person was able to get where they wanted to go without relying on this new person they just met, that would be different. Say they had a vision issue and already had a system to get to where they need to go - be that public transportation, or a budget for Lyft, or had an apartment close to stores/restaurants/work/etc to make it feasible, that would be fine. But it generally is guys that haven't budgeted for a car and are not in a place financially or otherwise to be a good partner in a relationship. 

[heartlikealion]

4 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Same. And as others said, if there was truly a valid, logical reason for not having one AND the person was able to get where they wanted to go without relying on this new person they just met, that would be different. Say they had a vision issue and already had a system to get to where they need to go - be that public transportation, or a budget for Lyft, or had an apartment close to stores/restaurants/work/etc to make it feasible, that would be fine. But it generally is guys that haven't budgeted for a car and are not in a place financially or otherwise to be a good partner in a relationship. 

Yes. Exactly. 
One of my new male friends was like maybe you’re being too hard on this guy and I said if YOU wanted to meet me (for a date) I feel pretty confident you’d catch a ride from a friend etc. He said, “yeah, you’re right” lol

Now ironically he has no car because of the whole Lyft thing. And after that happened he said he wouldn’t be on the dating app without a car (and had quit the app prior to that). 

I don’t want all my outings to be limited to what someone lives by. We already got stuck not eating once because the bars had closed their food service (it wasn’t even that late) and there was no where else close to go without offering my car. 

Oh well I guess there’s some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one trying to get my ducks in a row 🙃

[KSera]

1 hour ago, Heartstrings said:

You’ll just have to trust that where I am it’s mostly bums.  No car generally means no job and no place of their own, unless they live with a parent or at a hotel.  It’s just very, very difficult to function without a car where I am.  

I get that, but given that this was based on someone living in New Orleans, that’s a totally different scenario. I totally get not wanting to pick him up and be responsible for his transportation and all that, and it sounds like it may be that this person is not in a good dating situation at the moment for other reasons. For me it was the statement that no one should be on dating sites if they don’t have a car that felt really unfair to me. Tons of people live in cities and don’t have cars and that doesn’t make them not worthy to be in a relationship. To me it would be similar to saying that someone shouldn’t be on dating sites if they live in a studio apartment or require a service animal or only buy used clothing.

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, KSera said:

I get that, but given that this was based on someone living in New Orleans, that’s a totally different scenario. I totally get not wanting to pick him up and be responsible for his transportation and all that, and it sounds like it may be that this person is not in a good dating situation at the moment for other reasons. For me it was the statement that no one should be on dating sites if they don’t have a car that felt really unfair to me. Tons of people live in cities and don’t have cars and that doesn’t make them not worthy to be in a relationship. To me it would be similar to saying that someone shouldn’t be on dating sites if they live in a studio apartment or require a service animal or only buy used clothing.

(these comments are referring to my view of heterosexual relationships)

I feel like a select few men without cars belong on the dating app. Because I've had such horrible experiences with men texting, I find it hard to believe they can even arrange the transportation to MEET me LOL It's like pulling teeth. This week a guy gave me his phone number. We texted a few times and he said he was off the rest of the week and since I was new to the area he would show me around sometime if I wanted. Well, he knows I'm off today and did he try to meet me? Did he ask me to go anywhere this weekend? Nope. Lol. (And I refuse to initiate any more. If they don't want to do it, their loss. Statistically they will pursue you if they are interested and I don't care how many people say "but what about the shy nerds" etc." Well the shyness is a turn off and I'm not gonna hold their hand. That's not what I want). A friend of his and I happened to cross paths on facebook (he's a local DJ and we met in a music forum) and I think I have a higher chance of meeting the facebook guy than the one that matched with me on the app. These dudes on the apps are so sluggish and sloppy about arranging anything that the logistics of meeting a guy with no car just sounds like one more hurdle to deal with. Plus, I cannot parallel park to save my life and for selfish reasons I would like the man to drive if we're carpooling. I do street parking sometimes, but usually take a corner spot etc. 

A woman without a car may not be as big of a deal to a male but for safety reasons it's not ideal to be a woman without a car trying to meet guys on dates, unless like it's daytime. I mean at night I wouldn't want to be exiting a bus stop and walking to meet my date and then later walking back from the bus stop to my house. That's just me, though. 

My blanket statement wasn't 100% true of all people in all cases, but because of the logistic nightmares I can imagine, I feel like it would be very challenging for one or both parties. And dating already has so many hurdles I feel like it wouldn't be worth the stress. I've had people cancel on me at the last minute and I would have been irate if I was on a bus when it happened. 

[Heartstrings]

12 minutes ago, KSera said:

I get that, but given that this was based on someone living in New Orleans, that’s a totally different scenario. I totally get not wanting to pick him up and be responsible for his transportation and all that, and it sounds like it may be that this person is not in a good dating situation at the moment for other reasons. For me it was the statement that no one should be on dating sites if they don’t have a car that felt really unfair to me. Tons of people live in cities and don’t have cars and that doesn’t make them not worthy to be in a relationship. To me it would be similar to saying that someone shouldn’t be on dating sites if they live in a studio apartment or require a service animal or only buy used clothing.

It wasn’t me that said that people with no car shouldn’t be on the dating apps.  I just said that I used car, place, job as part of my own dating criteria, as a way to weed out bums.   Whether  someone without the means to  have transportation should be on an app is different from whether someone else chooses to date them.   It’s ok to not be interested in dating someone who is not financially stable at the moment.  

[KSera]

12 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

It wasn’t me that said that people with no car shouldn’t be on the dating apps.

Oh, I know, I was just clarifying the reason for the pushback on the no car = no dating thing. I know that didn't come from you. And totally agree people all have their things that make someone in or out for them. There's a difference between, "I don't want to date someone with no car" and "Someone with no car shouldn't be on dating apps." It would be like saying "I only like gym rats, so no one who isn't a gym rat should be on dating apps."

@heartlikealion I'm back to thinking that looking for IRL people sounds like it might be a better fit and avenue for you than dating apps anyway. I think the apps are likely a bit skewed in the population using them.

(This article is from Mashable, but I just came across it when I went on a bunny trail wondering about just what is the population using dating apps the most, and it seemed actually helpful. Describes some of what you say you're experiencing, with people being unwilling to reach out, ghosting, etc

How online dating impacts people with anxiety (and how to deal with it)

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, KSera said:

Oh, I know, I was just clarifying the reason for the pushback on the no car = no dating thing. I know that didn't come from you. And totally agree people all have their things that make someone in or out for them. There's a difference between, "I don't want to date someone with no car" and "Someone with no car shouldn't be on dating apps." It would be like saying "I only like gym rats, so no one who isn't a gym rat should be on dating apps."

@heartlikealion I'm back to thinking that looking for IRL people sounds like it might be a better fit and avenue for you than dating apps anyway. I think the apps are likely a bit skewed in the population using them.

(This article is from Mashable, but I just came across it when I went on a bunny trail wondering about just what is the population using dating apps the most, and it seemed actually helpful. Describes some of what you say you're experiencing, with people being unwilling to reach out, ghosting, etc

How online dating impacts people with anxiety (and how to deal with it)

Ironically I did join a meetup group where you meet in person with other singles… but the group lost the leader before I ever saw any meetings scheduled. 

Meeting IRL is just as much a crap shoot because you don’t know who is single and it’s awkward to approach someone. You can look for a wedding ring but that doesn’t tell you if they’re single/straight/interested in dating. I rarely see guys in person that I even want to talk to and I’ve heard 95% of men will not approach women these days. Part of that is fear of being deemed a creep. And I don’t want to be the pursuer. So it’s a stalemate. 

I have seen profiles online where I said wow I definitely don’t want to date this one (guy holding a cigar in his mouth, cross dressing, interested in non monogamous relationships etc). Whatever floats someone’s boat but I want a man that’s straight, doesn’t dress like a woman, doesn’t smoke, initiates dates, doesn’t have a Santa length beard (super prevalent these days)… it’s really hard. 

[heartlikealion]

Did Hinge sponsor that article? It’s awful!! You literally have no option to type up a bio about yourself. So you get to look at a few prompts and photos of the person. My favorite prompt (note sarcasm) 2 truths and a lie. I learned nothing about this person. No idea what’s the truth and what’s a lie. Dumbest prompt. And mostly useless info for dating criteria. 

The only thing I like about hinge is the voice option so I can hear their voice if they answered a question using that feature. A voice can definitely make someone more or less appealing! 

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I can elaborate, not that it matters as I lost interest in the guy lol 

In a way I think he’s worse off than me because he has full custody and only one bedroom. His child stays in the living room. This has been the case about 2 years. So I feel like in that time frame he should have maybe sought a 2 bedroom. Obviously money is an issue. His vehicle broke down and he’s trying to save up to replace it.

I don’t know why even the ones that don’t present as struggling are the ones I get 🤣

He shows no sense of urgency to get a 2 bedroom. In my case I feel like if dd was with me FT I’d manage to get a 2 bedroom. 

I only have a one bedroom and dd has it. As Ester Maria said, when a kid moves out, she doesn't get to take her parents' accomplishments with her. Spending the pittance I do have on a room my kid can't take with her won't help her launch successfully. The education I provide and the petrol money I spend does.

[heartlikealion]

29 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I only have a one bedroom and dd has it. As Ester Maria said, when a kid moves out, she doesn't get to take her parents' accomplishments with her. Spending the pittance I do have on a room my kid can't take with her won't help her launch successfully. The education I provide and the petrol money I spend does.

He has his child 100% of the time. I only have visitation. But I do understand your point. Their home layout is arranged weird, too. 

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

And I don’t want to be the pursuer. So it’s a stalemate. 

I'll put this out there. I'm a pursuer. I figure any bachelor who's a good mate probably has more than me pursuing him. If he's checking all the boxes of being an amazing person I'm going to take up all his time so he won't have time to entertain anyone else.  

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I'll put this out there. I'm a pursuer. I figure any bachelor who's a good mate probably has more than me pursuing him. If he's checking all the boxes of being an amazing person I'm going to take up all his time so he won't have time to entertain anyone else.  

Well apparently you’re not necessarily the pursuer just by striking up a conversation. So I’ll keep that it in mind. It’s just a gamble no matter what. The first guy I met in town that I dated I met organically. And I see how that went 🙄 

I literally just read/skimmed a book called Never Chase Men Again (Bruce Bryan’s). He specifically says you will never know if the guy actually wanted to contact you if you do the chasing. And other things that I’ve experienced. From a man’s perspective he’s telling us the men want to work for the woman, want the challenge. If we do it, they don’t value us and get lazy and move on. So for the most part I’m in the “don’t try” camp. 

OH and “I’d like to show you the city” guy texted me at 11 pm to ask if I was out and about 🤣

[freesia]

12 hours ago, KSera said:

I get that, but given that this was based on someone living in New Orleans, that’s a totally different scenario. I totally get not wanting to pick him up and be responsible for his transportation and all that, and it sounds like it may be that this person is not in a good dating situation at the moment for other reasons. For me it was the statement that no one should be on dating sites if they don’t have a car that felt really unfair to me. Tons of people live in cities and don’t have cars and that doesn’t make them not worthy to be in a relationship. To me it would be similar to saying that someone shouldn’t be on dating sites if they live in a studio apartment or require a service animal or only buy used clothing.

I agree. I lived in a major city and had no car when I dated dh and got married. I easily got around via Subway, bus and taxi. It seems that New Orleans should have plenty to do that’s reachable without a car. 

[Heartstrings]

43 minutes ago, freesia said:

I agree. I lived in a major city and had no car when I dated dh and got married. I easily got around via Subway, bus and taxi. It seems that New Orleans should have plenty to do that’s reachable without a car. 

I’m genuinely curious about living with no car, but I don’t want to derail more than we already have here.  I started a spin off thread.  

[JustEm]

9 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Well apparently you’re not necessarily the pursuer just by striking up a conversation. So I’ll keep that it in mind. It’s just a gamble no matter what. The first guy I met in town that I dated I met organically. And I see how that went 🙄 

I literally just read/skimmed a book called Never Chase Men Again (Bruce Bryan’s). He specifically says you will never know if the guy actually wanted to contact you if you do the chasing. And other things that I’ve experienced. From a man’s perspective he’s telling us the men want to work for the woman, want the challenge. If we do it, they don’t value us and get lazy and move on. So for the most part I’m in the “don’t try” camp. 

OH and “I’d like to show you the city” guy texted me at 11 pm to ask if I was out and about 🤣

This made me think hard about how my relationship with dh started. I think we both equally pursued each other.  I'm pretty sure if I didn't meet him in the middle in terms of pursuing he would have backed off or without every truly pursuing me.  Not because he wasn't interested but because of his own self doubt. He is one of the most charismatic and attractive person I know but he doesn't know that about himself.  I would have really missed out on an amazing person if I just waited for him do all the work. Not to say I was chasing him in a clingy way or anything.  But I reached out to him just as much as he reached out to me.

 

For example, the guy who gave you his number and mentioned he was off work the rest of the week.  I'd assume that was the invitation to reach out to him the day that I was available to see if he wanted to show me around.  I wouldn't assume that he'd reach out to me on the day I'm off work. And if a scenario like that had happened while dating dh, he would have taken me not reaching out after he basically said I'm free all week as me showing I'm not interested

[heartlikealion]

14 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

This made me think hard about how my relationship with dh started. I think we both equally pursued each other.  I'm pretty sure if I didn't meet him in the middle in terms of pursuing he would have backed off or without every truly pursuing me.  Not because he wasn't interested but because of his own self doubt. He is one of the most charismatic and attractive person I know but he doesn't know that about himself.  I would have really missed out on an amazing person if I just waited for him do all the work. Not to say I was chasing him in a clingy way or anything.  But I reached out to him just as much as he reached out to me.

 

For example, the guy who gave you his number and mentioned he was off work the rest of the week.  I'd assume that was the invitation to reach out to him the day that I was available to see if he wanted to show me around.  I wouldn't assume that he'd reach out to me on the day I'm off work. And if a scenario like that had happened while dating dh, he would have taken me not reaching out after he basically said I'm free all week as me showing I'm not interested

I texted him and we exchanged a few messages and I told him I was off on Friday prior to Friday. He didn’t make a plan. That’s a huge pass for me. Because the ones that are serious will make the plan or attempt to. Coming from experience and men that teach women about dating men. I’m honestly not eager enough for these guys to do the legwork myself. I’m meh about them til I know more. The one I like broke things off at Christmas and we may or may not hang out again because clearly out of sight out of mind (the one I ran into). 

I kinda get equally pursuing - I’ve done that - but at the end of the day the guy usually sets the pace with reaching out, setting dates or the woman is not seen as challenging enough and too attainable. Repeating what I’ve read. 

[Clarita]

9 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Well apparently you’re not necessarily the pursuer just by striking up a conversation. So I’ll keep that it in mind. It’s just a gamble no matter what. The first guy I met in town that I dated I met organically. And I see how that went 🙄 

I literally just read/skimmed a book called Never Chase Men Again (Bruce Bryan’s). He specifically says you will never know if the guy actually wanted to contact you if you do the chasing. And other things that I’ve experienced. From a man’s perspective he’s telling us the men want to work for the woman, want the challenge. If we do it, they don’t value us and get lazy and move on. So for the most part I’m in the “don’t try” camp. 

I was not the only woman pursuing DH when we first met. (Granted I didn't find out until we had be dating for a few years.) DH wasn't the only guy pursuing me. I was majorly interested, I wanted him to be mine.  I'm a self confident woman (some have said a bit too much) and I am going to after what I want; I don't care what some random person says in a book. I'll call him when I want to talk to him. I'll make plans to have dinner with him if I have nothing to do Wednesday night and I want to spend time with him.

If he can't handle or doesn't like how much I want of him, then we are probably not compatible anyway. To be honest men have rejected me for being as forward and demanding as I am; they were good guys but we wouldn't have made a good couple.  

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I was not the only woman pursuing DH when we first met. (Granted I didn't find out until we had be dating for a few years.) DH wasn't the only guy pursuing me. I was majorly interested, I wanted him to be mine.  I'm a self confident woman (some have said a bit too much) and I am going to after what I want; I don't care what some random person says in a book. I'll call him when I want to talk to him. I'll make plans to have dinner with him if I have nothing to do Wednesday night and I want to spend time with him.

If he can't handle or doesn't like how much I want of him, then we are probably not compatible anyway. To be honest men have rejected me for being as forward and demanding as I am; they were good guys but we wouldn't have made a good couple.  

That’s fair. I know in myself I might accidentally push men away by wanting to see too much of them too soon which is why I think it’s still prudent (for me) to follow the book’s advice to not be too available etc. I gave a guy my phone number after chatting on an app a couple times. He did not call (days passed) and he was online on the app (that app showed). So I decided ok no harm done. I got my answer. Had I not done that, we might still be chatting on the app but it doesn’t matter. 

It’s all a gamble. I try not to talk to just one guy because I get crushed when I invest too much in one person. Well frankly I really haven’t been investing much in anyone lately. I see too many issues and know they aren’t a good match. I might even be emotionally unavailable at this time. 

I have led before but there’s an element of feeling desired that is sometimes missing. 

[Clarita]

56 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I have led before but there’s an element of feeling desired that is sometimes missing. 

I did a lot of the initiating with DH. He made me feel desired by indulging me in being me. I wouldn't be surprised if we tallied up the calling and I did the lion's share of initiating, but he would stay on the phone with me for 2 hours (now that we're married he's a bit more honest about not wanting to listen to me ramble for hours). Then, there were things that made me feel desired, that didn't even inconvenience him, which were the things that ultimately brought us together (because we're compatible).

I suggest the leading thing a lot for you only because it seems like the wait really bothers you. Sitting around waiting bothers me too and I need a bit more contact than perhaps the average girl (probably number one complaint of men who don't want to date me). From experience it's always better for me to find out earlier rather than later a guy isn't compatible with me and who I am. It doesn't matter how many guys I can get to date me by me trying to be what some generic theoretical male wants me to be. I'm not going to be happy in those relationships.

Of course dating isn't that enjoyable until we happen upon that compatible person. While I don't believe there's only one person that's right for anyone, I do believe there is a lot of not the ones.  

[heartlikealion]

The waiting isn’t killing me anymore. Because I’m not invested. That guy that wanted to show me the city said he’d love to hang out with me tonight (I asked him today if there was anything going on tonight and he sent me to a link for an event I don’t care to attend) but he has plans. I told him “no worries.” I’m not crushed. I’m just BORED. I get off work at 5 and have no kids this weekend. I want to go do something not alone this time. 

Ew the guy with no car propositioned me. Literally asked if I’d do things for money when I turned him down. 

it’s wild out here. This is not the same dating climate as years past. 

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The waiting isn’t killing me anymore. Because I’m not invested. That guy that wanted to show me the city said he’d love to hang out with me tonight (I asked him today if there was anything going on tonight and he sent me to a link for an event I don’t care to attend) but he has plans. I told him “no worries.” I’m not crushed. I’m just BORED. I get off work at 5 and have no kids this weekend. I want to go do something not alone this time. 

Ew the guy with no car propositioned me. Literally asked if I’d do things for money when I turned him down. 

it’s wild out here. This is not the same dating climate as years past. 

I needed a shocked emoji for this. Gross!

[heartlikealion]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I needed a shocked emoji for this. Gross!

In one breath he was asking if I would babysit his kid. In the next asking if he could pay me to do anything else. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked him to elaborate (wondering if he meant household chores). 

[Clarita]

Well car or no car that guy is a NO!

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

Well car or no car that guy is a NO!

I lost a potential babysitting job which was more disappointing 🤣he couldn’t even tell me what he could pay me, anyway. 

[heartlikealion]

Not super hopeful about securing a mate but I’m no longer super concerned. I am talking to a handful of guys and if we end up just friends that’s ok, I need friends! Hung out with one (new guy) the other night. Spent a little bit of time alone and most of the night in a group setting. Going to hear his band Thursday night. Not really boyfriend material for a variety of reasons but we’ve talked openly about what we’re both seeking/deal breakers. He doesn’t have a car and he takes his service animal almost everywhere. But I really like his dog. She’s a sweetie. 

My schedule doesn’t really mesh with one of the local recurring goth events. Most recent one landed on a weekend I had dd. But I’m online friends with one of the DJs now and asked if he wanted to hang out this weekend. We’re going to meet at a bookstore (his idea). Not exactly seeking a love connection but expanding my social circle. We have the music, exercise, and cats in common. 

Have tentative plans other nights this week including a park meetup. And all my social plans are free or cheap. I don’t have to pay to hear the band and there’s no parking fee that time of night on a weekday. 

[Faith-manor]

5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Not super hopeful about securing a mate but I’m no longer super concerned. I am talking to a handful of guys and if we end up just friends that’s ok, I need friends! Hung out with one (new guy) the other night. Spent a little bit of time alone and most of the night in a group setting. Going to hear his band Thursday night. Not really boyfriend material for a variety of reasons but we’ve talked openly about what we’re both seeking/deal breakers. He doesn’t have a car and he takes his service animal almost everywhere. But I really like his dog. She’s a sweetie. 

My schedule doesn’t really mesh with one of the local recurring goth events. Most recent one landed on a weekend I had dd. But I’m online friends with one of the DJs now and asked if he wanted to hang out this weekend. We’re going to meet at a bookstore (his idea). Not exactly seeking a love connection but expanding my social circle. We have the music, exercise, and cats in common. 

Have tentative plans other nights this week including a park meetup. And all my social plans are free or cheap. I don’t have to pay to hear the band and there’s no parking fee that time of night on a weekday. 

I think this sounds good. Don't seek love, just seek a social group. Once you have been living and working in the area for a while and expanding your socializing, you might meet someone more organically.

[heartlikealion]

Lol

[Spryte]

5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Lol

lol 

A million years ago I gave my college bestie a fridge magnet with a pair of red stilettos (she’s a shoe girl) that said, “F*** love, all you need is a good pair of shoes.” She kept it on her fridge till she got married in her late 30s. 

I am mentally sending you a magnet with a pair of Docs that says something similar.

ETA: sorry for the language reference 

Edited March 7 by Spryte

[heartlikealion]

My date didn’t show up tonight. Part of me was relieved. One less person to deal with. He was not a good communicator. Didn’t respond to my texts til I was home, like 30 min later! He only mentioned traffic… never said what time he got off work or anything. And he said he was fine with the meetup time. These guys are idiots. I’m becoming more and more content single lol. 

I'm actually most looking forward to my meet up on Sunday which is a potentially good friend/social networking person. We’ve confirmed the time and place. We’ll be wandering around a bookstore. 

I’ve shifted my thinking and I can genuinely say I’m in the mindset “do I like them?” not “do they like me?” anymore. Are you worth my time? Do you add to my life or are you going to be a drain. 

Edited March 9 by heartlikealion

[maize]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

 

I’ve shifted my thinking and I can genuinely say I’m in the mindset “do I like them?” not “do they like me?” anymore. Are you worth my time? Do you add to my life or are you going to be a drain. 

This sounds like an excellent mindset to be in!

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, maize said:

This sounds like an excellent mindset to be in!

Agree!

[heartlikealion]

Met one guy Sat night. I kept feeling like he was mansplaining to me. I can’t stand that. 

Met goth dj today. He was very pleasant and respectful and well hang out sometime in the future. We had a lot to talk about and when we parted we’d hung out 4 hours! Part of that was at the bookstore and part of that was at a nearby cafe. 

[heartlikealion]

Wrong thread 

Edited March 11 by heartlikealion

[heartlikealion]

The dj and I don’t even talk or hang out, just say hi in passing. 

I deleted all my dating apps (again) and deactivated my Facebook to take a break from it all and focus on myself. I’ve been very busy… had family in town, working on several projects at work, interviewed for a third job (as a sitter for an agency) and exercising more regularly. 

well do you remember mr “I’ll show you around the city” guy? We made loose plans to meet at this monthly goth night recently. I usually can’t go because it falls on an inconvenient night (often I have the kids). It was like say hi if I see you, not “see you at X time.” We missed each other. He left early and I arrived later. He’s a bad texter so I didn’t get feedback til much later. 

Anyway, I really wanted to explore this goth speak easy I learned about. I got a password card at the Vampire Cafe and the speak easy is on a totally different street. If you go at certain times there’s no cover to get in. None of my friends wanted to go. On a whim, I texted that guy and asked if he’d ever been. He said yes and he’d go with me if I wanted. I took him up on it and we had a great night. He lives in the French quarter and knows the area. We spent hours walking around and popping into places (he insisted on paying for everything. It was some annual pirate pub crawl day so we kept seeing pirates). He knows a lot of local employees and neighborhood people so we said hi to a lot of folks. Met one of his relatives and they confirmed he’s a terrible texter lol then we hung out again the next night with a group and were both kinda relieved as the group narrowed down to just us. We plan to see each other again. It’s just funny how of course when I completely swear off dating we meet. 

He’s a little nerdy, he’s a dungeon master for a local DnD group. I didn’t know how involved that was. He showed me drawings and storylines affiliated with the game that he made. He turns 50 this week (Sat was his birthday celebration with all of us hanging out). I try to keep my expectations low but I think this does have potential. 

[maize]

Do you think you might enjoy DnD?

If you get into it, It could be a good way to develop more of a social group locally. I've never played myself but have a lot of family and friends who play.