Alternate word/phrasing for 'stepping back'

[Tap]

I was spending some extra time with a family member's teenager who needed emotional support last year. It was supposed to be temporary, but has been much longer than expected.  I pretty much just did my wfh job at their house, just so the teen wouldn't be alone. They had been expelled and had to be home by themselves all day doing online school (and what ever they wanted).  It has been almost exactly a year and I have decided that I am no longer going to focus on this situation.  The expulsion continued this school year. Honestly I don't think they need me and the teen has said so themselves.  It is at the point that if the teen is going to go further awry, me being there isn't going to stop them. 

The parent I am doing this for, is feeling a little hurt, saying I am taking a step back from this teen. They want me to stay close, not only as the teen support system and they feel like I am giving in, to the teen pushing back a little. 

To me, the immediate concern is over. I think that listening to the teens opinion is important too. They don't want me there. If I thought there was still a legitimate concern about their mental health, I wouldn't be stopping. 

The parent is also sad, I won't be there when they get home as well. Even though I am just changing where I wfh, I think they feel like I am stepping back from them as well. We are still connected and will always hang out, just not quite as much. When I was wfh at their house, my down time at work, was spent chatting with them.

 

Can you help me explain to them, that me choosing to work from my own house, is NOT taking a step back from them. Just choosing to not keep putting myself out for a teen who doesn't need it? 

I see it as returning to baseline. They see it as stepping back. 

I saw the extra things I did, as extra things. I think they thought of them as the new normal, so me choosing to go back to my own office full time, is hitting them differently.

 

Edited September 27, 2023 by Tap

[Melissa in Australia]

Take a breather 

Need more space

Need to refocuse 

Change of circumstances 

[Anne]

Allow teen to demonstrate autonomy and exercise coping skills.

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Can you frame it as being a positive and logical next step for the teen? So, shift the discussion from it being about you to it being about what's the next best step for the teen.

Good luck. It sounds like you've done a lot of good for this family.

 

[Lecka]

I think I would apologize for them feeling that way and say I would show by my actions I would still be involved even with this change.  
 

I wouldn’t apologize like “it’s my fault” but like I can see their side that they are unhappy about the change.  
 

[Faith-manor]

"My work and family needs require me to return to what was our normal routine, so I need to get back to being home full time".

You aren't responsible for her hurt because it is misplaced. You are not doing anything wrong, and her teen is ultimately not your responsibility. It was very kind of you to do this for a year. That is amazing. Her expectation that you continue to do it is unrealistic and unacceptable. She is sad that it is ending, but it is on her to deal with it and not try to manipulate you into continuing. I know you already know that, Tap. Just reiterating so that you can keep that healthy perspective.

Just frame it as you need to be home more now, and don't elaborate. It isn't her business. But if she can blame it on your circumstances needing to be altered, she may get over it more quickly, " It isn't Tap leaving me, but Tap being needed at home." 

[wintermom]

You've been an amazing support for this family for an entire year. That is huge!  I think you explained your point of view very well in written form here, so perhaps a letter to this famiily member might be useful?  It's normal, I think, that they feel sad that what was a comfortable and positive experience for them (and you) is ending. I'm sure they will miss having you there. I think you explained your perspective perfectly, and seeing it in writing may be less emotionally charged, and they will better understand that it's not just about them, and that you need to get back to your normal life again. Crisis is over, time to move forward to a new normal for them.

[73349]

"returning to my normal responsibilities now that the situation is stable and intensive support is no longer necessary"

[fairfarmhand]

Do you think that parent is also a bit scared that her teen will begin to struggle again with you not there? 

[prairiewindmomma]

So, other adult is not respecting your boundaries? I think this is the real issue here. It’s amazing you gave them a year—which is well beyond generous.

Unless this is your partner who viewed this as a sort of hybrid family setup with uncommunicated expectations, I find their being upset about you being ready to move back to you working from your house a bit….bold. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Riffing off of what others stated above, Tap doesn’t need to be needed in her own home. If Tap wanted to work from Starbucks instead of her own house, great. Tap should feel free to organize their life as they like because this is Tap’s life. Tap can spend their time as they like because this is not Tap’s minor aged child to whom they owe a duty of care.

[SKL]

What is the teen's age?

"I do feel that [teen] is ready and feels ready for this step toward more independence.  At the same time, I am ready to return to some work and house duties that haven't gotten enough attention from me this past year."

Any chance you could taper off a bit rather than stop all at once?  For example, maybe be there 2 days a week during the transition?

Depending on the teen's situation, your remaining there while s/he has asked you to leave could harm your relationship.  I think it may help to just out and say this to the mom.

[Tap]

You all are awesome!!! I really appreciate the help! 

The parent acts like I am not completely abandoning them, but definitely taking this harder than I thought.  I think the parent was just able to mentally not worry during the day when I was there, so now they are having to get used to me not being there. I wasn't there every day, but just enough so they felt supported. 

I also won't be there for the casual chats with the parent between calls (when they get home after work), so it changes our hang out time as well. 

Your wording absolutely gives me different ways to reinforce that I am doing this for me, not to step away from them. 

The expulsion was extended every 3 months, so I kept staying on..... but not really expected to go into the next school year. That is why now, I am thinking this isn't going to end and I need to get back to my own priorities. 

 

Much love for you all!  I really appreciate all your support and kind words 🙂

[KungFuPanda]

You’re not dealing with a normal healthy adult. Normal healthy adults don’t expect an ongoing level of support like this beyond a crisis or think an adult should want to hang out with their kid EVERY day. It’s weird they didn’t give you an out ages ago. I love my friends and am fairly social, but there is no friend that I need or want to see every day for YEARS. 
 

Your not stepping back. You’re resuming normalcy. 

Edited September 28, 2023 by KungFuPanda

[footballmom]

You did a beautiful generous thing that has become a crutch for the adult, and I am wondering if maybe they have some abandonment issues. Regardless, it is not your work to do and stepping back into your own work autonomy needed for you.  I hope they can accept your boundary with more peace and understanding.

[SKL]

I'm curious/confused how the school is deciding to extend the expulsion repeatedly.  It almost makes me wonder if there is some intentional thing going on with the kid or parent because they would rather not resume regular schooling.

I'm sure it's none of my business and TMI.  But it's hard to understand the mindset in the house.

[Tap]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

I'm curious/confused how the school is deciding to extend the expulsion repeatedly.  It almost makes me wonder if there is some intentional thing going on with the kid or parent because they would rather not resume regular schooling.

I'm sure it's none of my business and TMI.  But it's hard to understand the mindset in the house.

It was a significant thing they were expelled for. 

[katilac]

Holy cannoli, you have certainly done your part. 

You've already told them, so I don't know that I'd go into further explanations. Most people see explanations as a way of continuing the discussion and persuasion - if you need to be home more, hey, teen can come to you! And so on. 

If you really want to provide an explanation, tell them your therapist said it wouldn't be good for you, lol 

  

[KungFuPanda]

Is there a nice, diplomatic way to say “I need to live my life, not yours.”

[Tap]

Update! Things are going better! Ripped the bandage off and things are going smoothly!  They still would like me there but have come to see that things didn’t fall apart without me ❤️We still spent some time together and it was actually less stressful because I am feeling free to have my own life. As things have come up, the words snd sentiments in this thread really helped. Thank you all!