Trilliumlady Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 (edited) We separated in April, he has been living in the loft over our garage working on the (family) farm, acres he uses without paying rent. We own (with mortgage) our house and about 1 acre it sits on in middle of family estate farm. Since beginning of Aug he has not be helping out with any household payments (had been giving a weekly amount) but is living here rent free. I’m paying everything for kids, mortgage, bills, etc. I have told him I want divorce, he is unwilling to sign. I will have to file separately, plan is three days from now. He knows this and knows he’ll be served papers but still claims “he won’t sign anything.” Other backstory: I’ve done most of the income earning, ALL of the schooling, 95% of the parenting all the marriage. This divorce is d/t repeated physical and non-physical adultery. Again, we live on family farm and my parents are HUGELY involved in my three kids’ lives. Other details: I found one of his farm business bank statements (my name never got on the account, so I can’t call bank and ask for them). He deposited 13,000 last month. Took out 8000 in cash for who knows what (there have been no new purchases), (DS said he was sending 2500 at least once to “brother” in foreign country.) He doesn’t know I saw the statement. Told him again this morning I am filing and asked if we could come up with an agreement about dividing things to send in with papers. I asked him how much he had made last month, he said “oh I don’t remember (this guy remembers money numbers like nobody I’ve EVER met), maybe 1 or 3 thousand.” Blatant lie. I asked via text to see bank statement, he hasn’t responded. So what do I do. I’m panicked. We have shared bank accounts that I have access to online that he’s never accessed online, and one personal (work, I’m also self employed) bank account, all at same bank. I just moved all but $50 out of all shared accounts to my personal account. Can I do that? What else can I do? Can I get his name off CC account without his knowledge? I’m working on finding a lawyer, but the only one I met with was less than impressive and made it sound like things would go a lot more in husband’s favor than mine. All others I’ve called are not taking new clients, or don’t serve my area (we are rural). I’ve skimmed divorce threads here in the past but am too panicked and scattered right now to search for them. Please help. ETA: Added a question further down in the thread about if I should file before seeing a lawyer or not…. Edited September 23, 2023 by Trilliumlady 21 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 There isn’t generic advice for this, it depends too much on state laws. You need a local attorney. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 No experience, but you need to get an attorney. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 (edited) I agree with the advice to get an attorney ASAP. With regard to the credit card, if you are the account holder and he is an authorized user, then you can call the company and have them issue a new card with a new number in your name only. Be careful about recurring charges that he has on the card. Talk to the company about getting them to deny them when they come through (rather than just letting them go to the new number). Whether doing the above is a good idea from a legal perspective, I don't know. Edited September 22, 2023 by EKS 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danae Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 (edited) Lawyer, immediately. I’m assuming from what you said about your parents being involved with the kids that the family farm is your family, not his? You will probably have to buy out his share of the equity in your house. edit: don’t try to get him to come to an agreement; he’s made it clear this is not going to be a cooperative process. Edited September 22, 2023 by Danae 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 22, 2023 Author Share Posted September 22, 2023 Yes, the family farm is my parents’ farm they put in an estate with them and my sister and I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danae Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 Just now, Trilliumlady said: Yes, the family farm is my parents’ farm they put in an estate with them and my sister and I If they have a lawyer who set up the estate that might be someone to ask about whether it is vulnerable in the divorce and how to protect it. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyx4 Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 (edited) Not what what you're asking but maybe it will help.... I'm treasurer for a group. There are three names on the account. So mine, plus two more members. When I first volunteer as treasurer it "reset" something in the banking? So, the account still has the same account number but I couldn't see electronically the month before I started volunteering. But here's the weird thing.... My name goes on the account in June. I go into the bank in July and ask questions....what was the car wash deposit in May? What did the group spent on tshirts in April? The bank person answered all my questions. The next time I went in to ask questions the bank person offered to print statments from March, April, May etc. I would suggest going to the bank soon and pretenting you're just disorganized and see what they'll let you have.... In my state, my friends have had the "xh contributes to half of college for the children" written in the divorce. However, it's basically unenforceable in this state. Edited September 22, 2023 by amyx4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 Your attorney will require your husband to provide a list of all his assets, bank accounts, etc. By law he is required to provide this info. Keep every bit of evidence you have regarding his bank accounts and cash transfers. People do lie even in legal discovery. All the best for finding a good lawyer and getting a fair deal for you and your kids. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 You need to get copies of all bank statements, you need to get information on anything he has that you're not privy to. Expect him to lie about it. do you have a safe? document document document. and get a lawyer. I'd also check to make sure there are no trackers in your car. My latest android phone will still pick up apple trackers and make them beep (without notifying whomever placed it.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 (edited) Run a credit report to make sure he doesn’t have accounts you don’t know about. Eta using your name, I mean. Edited September 22, 2023 by Grace Hopper 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 Agreed, lawyer immediately. Document everything, text messages, emails, write up detailed summaries with dates if necessary. You never know what your lawyer will want. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 1. Collect and make copies of all financial documents you can get your hands on—bank statements, income tax returns, deeds, 1099s, Wu’s, investment account statements including retirement accounts. 2. Visit several lawyers. Find out what the laws are like in your state. (If you’re comfortable saying which state you are in, someone here might have a referral.) 3. Change all the passwords on all your online accounts. All of them. To nonobvious nonguessable ones. Also go to an electronics store with your laptop and phone and make sure that there are no spyware or keystroke monitoring programs or apps installed so you can be secure. 4. Start getting a little cash put into a secure location away from your home, bit by bit. Like, $20 cash back per grocery store run is better than nothing, but get it where no one else can find or access it, maybe stash with a trusted friend. Hopefully you won’t need this but it could come in very handy. 5. Ask the lawyer about the ‘separation’ and about whether moving those joint funds was legit. I’m not sure about that, and the laws around those things vary from state to state. 6. Do not be maneuvered into making big lifestyle changes such as starting a new, more lucrative job, or anything like that. Make sure that your living expenses are similar to what they were before the separation, since the judge will ask for documentation of those and if you lowball them you will be disadvantaged. 6 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 For the divorce lawyer- if you have a local Facebook page for your area/county, take a look in there and use the search to find ones often recommended. No posting just looking at what others have posted. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 You need advice on the laws of your state so I have no words of wisdom to give except this: he is being an absolute ass now, and has been a total ass your whole marriage, so expect that despite thinking he has reached his full potential as an ass, he has not yet achieved his full ass abilities. Steel yourself for his behavior to amp up even worse. I am so very sorry you have to go through this. Hugs 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 I don’t know if this will apply to you, but since you’ve been the main breadwinner, any attorney consultation should include you asking about the likelihood of him asking for alimony. I personally know couples where the wife paid the husband in a divorce instead of the familiar other direction. You’d want to know how to mitigate that possibility. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 22, 2023 Author Share Posted September 22, 2023 All of these answers are so helpful. Thank you so much. Some of them in particular I had not thought of. Trying so hard to not want to panic. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 22, 2023 Share Posted September 22, 2023 I sounds like he makes a good income too right? So even if he had not been paying his part of expenses his income will be factored in to the divorce equation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 23, 2023 Author Share Posted September 23, 2023 Yes, Scarlett, I would hope that would be taken into consideration. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ting Tang Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Without a restraining order on assets, I think you’re okay with what you did. I’m not a lawyer. You need a lawyer. Nobody can make you stay married to this guy. If he doesn’t cooperate, it will go in your favor and he will have zero say over anything in the divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ting Tang Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Try not to panic. He will have to communicate with your lawyer and make his ridiculous statements to a 3rd party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 23, 2023 Author Share Posted September 23, 2023 One more question, if I could, and hopefully someone might have some insight on it. I am really wanting to get these papers filed ASAP. I was planning to do this Monday (in two days) and then would be seeing the lawyer Wednesday for the consult. A few of the offices I’ve called have asked me if papers have already been filed - is this just a normal question? Will it be easier/harder for them if I already have filed? Is there any particular reason I’d be making it less likely to be taken as a client if I already have them filed? Any thoughts at all on this?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 I would not file before consulting with at least three lawyers. Do not file without a lawyer. I am not an expert in this, but yes I think you need to have a lawyer before filing. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Do nor file without a lawyer. Seriously. They don't want to be playing catch up, and divorce paperwork is more complicated than just indicating "I want a divorce". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 17 hours ago, Trilliumlady said: Trying so hard to not want to panic. Deep breaths, you will get through this. agreed, no filling without an attorney. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 23, 2023 Author Share Posted September 23, 2023 Thank you all for those fast responses. So glad I asked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Here are some suggestions to find a lawyer: 1) Call your state bar association and ask if they have a lawyer referral program. Some do, but not all. You’re looking for a family lawyer. 2) If your state bar doesn’t have a referral program, Google “(Your state) family law association.” Look at the leadership of this organization and use those names as a starting point. You may not use the person you talk to, but explain your situation and location and ask for recommendations. I just want to tell you that you can do this! I’m just over a year out from my divorce being finalized and am soooo much happier now. Filing for divorce is scary, and going through the process can be hell (mine was), but trust yourself, be the person that you want to be, and know that life on the other side is 1000% better! We’re all rooting for you! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 (edited) Don't file without the lawyer. Why do you want to file so quickly? It sounds like you're already separated and there isn't an emergency situation like you're worried he'll take the kids and run, or he's violent and you need to get him out of the house. If there isn't an emergency, I think it makes sense to make sure you've worked with the attorney to protect your assets before filing. Edited September 23, 2023 by Drama Llama Quoted. Sorry! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 How are you doing today? I know it all seems like it is pouring down on your right now but don’t forgot to take care of you. Even it that time right now is sneaking into the bathroom to eat a snickers. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 23, 2023 Author Share Posted September 23, 2023 3 hours ago, itsheresomewhere said: How are you doing today? I know it all seems like it is pouring down on your right now but don’t forgot to take care of you. Even it that time right now is sneaking into the bathroom to eat a snickers. Thank you so much for asking. It does feel like it’s pouring down, sometimes more than others. I appreciate you asking, thank you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliumlady Posted September 23, 2023 Author Share Posted September 23, 2023 4 hours ago, Drama Llama said: Don't file without the lawyer. Why do you want to file so quickly? It sounds like you're already separated and there isn't an emergency situation like you're worried he'll take the kids and run, or he's violent and you need to get him out of the house. If there isn't an emergency, I think it makes sense to make sure you've worked with the attorney to protect your assets before filing. I think my desire to file quickly comes from two things: the panic of finding out he’s moving large quantities of money and the papers I will file state that after they are filed, no transferring of funds should be occurring, so I want to get that in place asap I guess. Second, my personality is such that I hem and haw and ponder and pray and think and ponder and am my own devil’s advocate for ages until a decision is finally clear. Then, when it becomes clear, I act immediately, just like I’m getting kicked into gear and want progress right away. So, personality quirk is the other half of the desire to file quickly, I guess. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 I’m the same way, Trillium. I analyze and evaluate for a long time on anything but once I have made a decision, I move fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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