S/O Zombie Peri/Menopause

[fraidycat]

The old thread got locked. It was a good thread, so I'm starting a new one. Hoping we can maybe get a fairly comprehensive list of What to Expect A When You Are ... getting older and "wiser" but really can't remember how to spell, speak, or why you stood up out of the chair 10 seconds ago.

I haven't noticed a decline in spelling ability so much as loss of large parts of my vocabulary when speaking or writing. The words just aren't there when I need them. The zombies ate my vocabulary.

Reading the previous thread was my first introduction to the hermit phase idea, and my mind has officially been blown. I'm an extrovert, but I'd love about 6 months alone on a deserted island right about now. In fact, for my birthday later this month I asked my husband to drop me off at a hotel without my cell phone or any way for anyone to reach me unless it was a real emergency and leave me there for a minimum of 48 hours with zero contact with the outside world. It is the one gift I want.

So, what else is normal and not just me becoming someone I don't recognize?

What are your symptoms?

[kbutton]

13 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

Reading the previous thread was my first introduction to the hermit phase idea, and my mind has officially been blown.

I must not have followed the other thread to the finish or forgotten about it. I thought I just became a hermit because I hate driving everywhere (grew up someplace walkable), and then the pandemic made it normal to go nowhere. I will have to think about this.

Definitely the word thing, though in my family it would be hard to tell--everyone past age 30 has some issues with names and then words, including men. But my words definitely tanked in the last two years precipitously. My spelling has gotten slightly wonky, but it's more a problem with things like there, their, they're, and it's not the grammar! If I just typed the word here, then I will use there no matter which one I need because typing here wore a groove in my brain. Ditto for something like pare vs. pair if I've written a visually similar word. It's like my fingers want to make an eye rhyme when I type. 

Adding...

The thermostat doesn't work anymore--the difference between raging inferno from deep in my body and freezing to death is a fraction of a degree. Just right is largely impossible. I expected hot flashes, but this seems to be a global failure of temperature regulation (and I do have actual hot flashes sometimes).

I don't bounce back from physical insult to my body as well. It's not ever been my strong suit, but I can become a wet noodle within days if I don't stay on top of exercise, and the exercise is considerably less effective.

I don't suffer foolishness nearly as well as I used to, and it was a pretty thin line of tolerance before. Caring about things is sort like the temperature regulation problem--something is either mind-blowingly important, or I can't move myself to give a care at all (and there may be no rhyme or reason to what the swing applies to--I could not care about something important or care too much about something that is not important). 

I have zero interest in feathering my nest if the birds in it don't want to help keep it neat. I want a cozy house, but I'm not picking up someone else's plate to achieve it.

And some days, very little of this applies, lol!!! 

[fraidycat]

Here is the Original Thread that I am referring to.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

Adding...

The thermostat doesn't work anymore--the difference between raging inferno from deep in my body and freezing to death is a fraction of a degree. Just right is largely impossible. I expected hot flashes, but this seems to be a global failure of temperature regulation (and I do have actual hot flashes sometimes).

I don't bounce back from physical insult to my body as well. It's not ever been my strong suit, but I can become a wet noodle within days if I don't stay on top of exercise, and the exercise is considerably less effective.

I don't suffer foolishness nearly as well as I used to, and it was a pretty thin line of tolerance before. Caring about things is sort like the temperature regulation problem--something is either mind-blowingly important, or I can't move myself to give a care at all (and there may be no rhyme or reason to what the swing applies to--I could not care about something important or care too much about something that is not important). 

I have zero interest in feathering my nest if the birds in it don't want to help keep it neat. I want a cozy house, but I'm not picking up someone else's plate to achieve it.

This is all the same as my experience, especially the temperature regulation thing. I don’t really think of “hot flashes” so much; it’s the endless rollercoaster between freezing and burning up that’s at issue. I used to be an always-freezing person and so my main goal in dressing for the day or to go to bed involved only this: WARMTH. But now that’s unpredictable and it works out better for me to have, say, a short-sleeved tee shirt under a cashmere sweater. Or a tank top under a flannel shirt. For bed I almost always layer now - tee shirt with zip-up sweatshirt. 
 

I must say, my favorite feature of this phase of life is that I don’t have time for head games and artifice. And I could not care less if someone does not like what I say or do or the choices I make. I believe so many problems are solved or avoided just by direct communication and clarification; I really can’t be bothered to fret about What Jane Meant when she said tuna casserole is her favorite thing. I’m going to assume it’s her favorite thing unless she specifically tells me she was being facetious. 

[MEmama]

Anger. So.much.anger.

And simultaneously I just dgaf.

Also, just leave me the hell alone. All the time. Except the cats, I only want to be around my cats.

I'm a joy, I tell ya. Lol

[Pawz4me]

I'm well beyond menopause and I'm still broken in some ways. I used "well beyond" there because I'm blanking out on whether it should be "well passed" or "well past." It makes my head hurt trying to figure it out. Yep, still that bad. OTOH I think I've gotten better at picking alternative words or phrases, or not really caring whether what I type is correct or not.

Also, I've given up hope that my internal thermostat will ever be steady again. I don't know if it was menopause that permanently broke it or if it's autonomic dysfunction from the AI diseases that came along with peri-menopause. I tend to think the latter (or possibly both), but IDK. I used to be the stereotypical cold-all-the-time woman. I hated it. Now in hindsight I know how clueless I was, and how wonderfully, utterly easy that was in comparison to other possibilities.

I'm a lifelong introvert, and even though I'm well beyond menopause I still daydream about weeks or months alone in a secluded mountain cabin with all the creature comforts, a wonderful view, and lots and lots of books.

In other ways life is so much better now. I'm calmer about most things, more able to take things in stride, and much more likely to just walk away than engage when engagement is likely to be futile. I pretty much have no more fs to give for people who don't want to listen, discuss or otherwise legitimately and sincerely engage. I have no trouble at all saying "no" as a complete sentence.

Hang in there, ladies. Life on the other side isn't perfect, but it sure is a lot easier than when you're in the throes of peri-menopause crap.

[1234]

My biggest pain right now is elevator buttons. Yes, elevator buttons. We live in a building where we use the elevator a few times a day when taking the dog out. I just stare at the buttons for way too long before I can decide which one to push. It’s so freaking weird because I know which one to push but my brain and hand just need a few too many seconds for my liking. It makes me feel dumb.

I also am quite irritable. I feel bad sometimes for the people around me because I’m such a joy right now. I really have to work at being in a good mood these days.

[kbutton]

5 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

We live in a building where we use the elevator a few times a day when taking the dog out. I just stare at the buttons for way too long before I can decide which one to push. It’s so freaking weird because I know which one to push but my brain and hand just need a few too many seconds for my liking. It makes me feel dumb.

That's how my word retrieval issues feel sometimes. Except that my version would be that my brain wants to push the wrong button, knows it's the wrong button, but until that impulse goes away, I can't push the right one, lol!

I am finding that my working memory is really not what it used to be. It's right up there with all the jokes about not remembering why I walked into a room. I am now at the age where I have to tell people to turn the radio down so that I can change lanes in the car. I used to be able to tune things out and really listen to people. It's very like the temperature problem--I hear it all of it (meaning it's too chaotic to really hear it) or none of it (tuned it all out by accident); the selectivity is broken.

My visual working memory is all, "Squirrel!" the minute I see something else, which is all kinds of fun because I have started having specifically nonverbal thoughts. So, if I am having a nonverbal thought (which is all kinds of weird to begin with), and then I walk into a room and notice something, I have zero idea how to get my thought back.

I also can't remember my own birthday or SSN without sifting, but that might be due to the million and one medical appointments one of my kids has had this year where I have to give his birthday out over the phone (and the SSN is from needing my DH's for all the insurance papers!) and sometimes in person. I make him do all the in-person checking in, but I'm still there to associate birthday with his birthday.

[stephanier.1765]

You mean word retrieval is just not me?! No, seriously, I thought there was something very wrong with my brain. I've developed a bit of a stammer too where it takes me a moment to force the word I want out. I know the word but I can't get it out of my mouth. Also, spelling. I saw that other thread but, my word, am I glad Alexa is around to tell me how to spell words or otherwise I'm not sure I could write anything close to coherent. I'm also on the other side of menopause and I'm thrilled to be done with that monthly inconvenience, but if I could trade for a working brain but had to have periods again to get it, I would in a heartbeat. 

[Corraleno]

I have all the issues that have been mentioned, but I went through premature menopause in my early 40s, and never really experienced perimenopause — I went from easily getting pregnant at 40 as soon as we started trying, to birthing DS at 41, breastfeeding for a year and then wondering why my cycles never returned at 42, to discovering I was fully post-menopausal at 43. But I didn't really develop the issues with spelling and memory until my 60s, so I think a lot of that really has more to do with aging than with menopause; it's just that for most people those sort of coincide.

The spelling thing really threw me, because I was always a natural speller and even when DS would ask me how to spell a really obscure difficult word that I hadn't read or written in many years, I could literally just close my eyes and "see" the word spelled correctly. Now I sometimes have to stop and check myself when I type something and either spellcheck says it's wrong (although spellcheck itself is often wrong!) or it just "looks wrong" to me.

I also occasionally have a hard time retrieving a specific word I want to say; usually it's a more unusual or obscure word, but occasionally it's a really common word and that kind of freaks me out. But the area of my brain that seems the most fried is the part that stores names — I often can't remember a name even though I can "see" the person (or book or movie) in my mind perfectly well. Often I can even remember some of the letters in the name or title and other relevant facts, but it's like the name itself is just not in the "place" I'm looking for it.

Example: the other day I wanted to say that something "sounds very Lord of the Flies," but I could not for the life of me remember the title. I knew what it was about and that there was a character named Piggie, and I could even vaguely picture the book cover from when I read it in school many many decades ago! But the harder I tried the remember the title the foggier it seemed. I eventually got it but through a very circuitous route — thinking of the character Piggie made me think of Animal Farm, and I knew Orwell wrote that, so I briefly wondered if Orwell wrote the book I was trying to remember, realized that wasn't right, remembered that the book I was trying to remember was written by someone whose name was William G-something, eventually remembered Golding, and then finally remembered Lord of the Flies. There've been other times when I've suddenly blanked on names that I normally have no trouble thinking of, like my doctor or one of my kids's friends.

The hermit thing is definitely true here, but I've always been an introvert who likes solitude, so that isn't much of a change. (When I was a teen I used to tell people that my dream job was to be one of those fire-spotting forest rangers who live in a tower in the middle of a national forest far away from all humans, lol.) I think the craving for solitude and "me time" that so many women experience after menopause is mostly a reaction to having spent the last 20+ years taking care of other people 24/7 and always putting the needs of kids/spouse/work/others ahead of our own. 

I think another factor in wanting to just be left the hell alone is reaching an age where we just dgaf about what other people think anymore or feel like we have to please others, and we're just not willing to suffer fools gladly anymore. And Lord knows the last 3-4 years have made more people than ever not only act like fools but feel damn proud of it, so I am just totally over the human race at this point and more than happy to stay the hell away from everyone except my kids and a few close friends.

[Melissa Louise]

I had a noun retrieval problem post-birth that never really went away. It's like the most direct route to retrieve noun was demolished, and in its place was the scenic route. I remember describing spoons to my toddler dd - the round silver things we use to eat our cereal. Weird. Peri hasn't increased or decreased word retrieval issues for me.

I'd say I'm more sociable than I was before peri, but that's a correlation, not a cause.

The most significant peri issue I've had is severe suicidal ideation. I had no idea that peri could do such a complete number on mental health. That is something I wish I'd known ahead of time.

I have a question - are hot flashes something that comes once you are menopausal ie a year without periods? I am a bit confused about what comes after being officially menopausal, and what is part of peri...

[Melissa Louise]

Re spelling, mine has gone from excellent to not so excellent, but I put that down to factors other than hormonal stage of life, and it's that my spelling began to decline in direct relationship with an increase in how often I typed, and how little I wrote by hand. By hand is a muscle memory; typing just doesn't have those same connections.

[LucyStoner]

My spelling is about the same. I did spend a sizable portion of my 30s coaching a spelling bee kid though.  Gah, that was like 6 straight years of intense spelling study.  
 

What I would love is a clear understanding of what age is normal for perimenopause and I can’t get a clear answer.  I have the impression that early menopause is less ideal for longevity but I don’t know where I got that impression.  

I’m 42 so far my main post 40 changes are:

less hair volume/hairline receded a touch

I no longer give a flying fig what people think about me.  I used to worry about that so much and now I can’t be bothered.  

I’m having a period every 25-34 days but it’s not as regular and some months the volume of blood is very light. This month it was more like spotting.  

I tend to wake up around 5AM and I can’t go back to sleep.  It’s gotten to the point I try not to drink water before bed because if I wake up at 4:30 to use the bathroom I’m just totally unable to go back to sleep even if I am tired. 

I am definitely more interested in being at home than anywhere else and this is pretty new.  

I don’t have hot flashes yet but I do run alternately colder and warmer than I used to.  

My fertility is definitely gone. No birth control and sex quite regularly but no pregnancies since my last miscarriage at 37.  

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by LucyStoner

[Pawz4me]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

I have a question - are hot flashes something that comes once you are menopausal ie a year without periods? I am a bit confused about what comes after being officially menopausal, and what is part of peri...

I had a partial hysterectomy (kept ovaries) in my early 40's, so I had to guess about peri-menopause and menopause timelines, since I had no period to judge anything by. But I think usually peri-menopause is when the vast majority of the crappy stuff happens, and once you get through it and are post-menopausal things even out, at least a bit.

Edited March 10, 2023 by Pawz4me

[Corraleno]

Perimenopause typically starts ~mid 40s and ends early 50s, but can start as early as late 30s or can end in late 50s. Symptoms of perimenopause caused by reductions/fluctuations in estrogen levels: mood swings, changes in libido, trouble concentrating, headaches, night sweats, hot flashes, vaginal dryness/atrophy, insomnia, and frequent urination. Once cycles stop permanently (menopause), most of those go away.

 

 

 

[kbutton]

On 3/10/2023 at 5:09 PM, LucyStoner said:

What I would love is a clear understanding of what age is normal for perimenopause and I can’t get a clear answer.  I have the impression that early menopause is less ideal for longevity but I don’t know where I got that impression.  

I started on the early side. At 47, I think I am almost through it, and I've been at this for almost a decade. It's possible I also have PCOS that was unmasked by perimenopause--I didn't have symptoms when I was younger and had zero issues getting pregnant, but I have some signs now, including high testosterone. My grandmother was similar.

One of my grandmothers was early, and she lived to be almost 84 (within a couple of weeks of her birthday). 

[popmom]

never mind I see the thread was linked.

This must have been my thread about not being able to spell. lol I saw it got bumped. Man that was a long time ago! I agree it's a great discussion to continue. Thanks for starting it.

Edited March 12, 2023 by popmom

[popmom]

I am so glad to see others post about word retrieval. So slightly off topic/not menopause related... I don't have that issue actually. It's my husband. He's 54. Sometimes it scares me for him. Half the time I can supply the word he is looking for, but most of the time I refuse. I want him to find the word himself. He has no other cognitive issues at all, so if it's not age related then I think it may be the anti anxiety meds he takes. 

Edited March 12, 2023 by popmom

[popmom]

I also developed an autoimmune disease around the time of menopause. When I first started that thread, I was 47. I was post menopausal by 48-49. I am now 52. My autoimmune symptoms started around 47, too, along with so many other symptoms that I had no idea were related at the time. I was also dx'ed with a sleep disorder. I am sure not ever getting a decent night's sleep was (and may still be) contributing to my cognitive issues.

As an update to the original question, my spelling has gotten better over the past year or so. I think that's very interesting considering what the past 2 years has looked like for me. A lot of therapy, going no contact with my parents...but also being (as of this time last year) as unhealthy and chronically ill as I have ever been in my life and the isolation of the pandemic. 

Being in an abusive relationship was literally killing me. My brain, my body. That combined with the hormonal changes had a really negative impact on me cognitively. 

Since I started treatment for Sjogren's I notice I can read again. I thought I was just lazy before. Or undisciplined. I would read 2 paragraphs and not remember anything I had just read. So I gave up for a long time. I just recently noticed that I am able to read again and actually enjoy it! Same for writing. I journaled 8 handwritten pages last night. 

Another thing about getting out of that abusive relationship... I didn't wad up and throw away what I journaled. I'm not sure if anyone can even relate to that.

Edited March 12, 2023 by popmom

[fraidycat]

@popmom, I really wish we had a hug emoji or reaction. Thank you for the update and I'm glad you are seeing improvements in some areas.

Side note, I'm 47, turning 48.

@LucyStoner, The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter is a pretty "meaty" book that delves into the science (and lack of). The data is in there. I can try to remember to skim through and grab some numbers for you.

[SquirrellyMama]

Oh my gosh, thank you to everyone who mentioned word retrieval! I thought I was losing my mind the last few months. That is a huge relief...

Kelly

[fraidycat]

1 hour ago, SquirrellyMama said:

Oh my gosh, thank you to everyone who mentioned word retrieval! I thought I was losing my mind the last few months. That is a huge relief...

Kelly

See, this is why I think keeping these discussions going is important. Because many of us were terrified we were developing dementia or something, when it's just the damn hormones!!

We expect our teens brains to basically fall out at puberty, yet are not told to expect it again in later life.

Maybe if we knew what to expect, there would less "midlife crises" in men and women. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[MEmama]

I just discovered the menopause subreddit and it is as affirming as it is informative and wickedly funny.
Just thought I'd put it out there for anyone else who needs another community of like-suffering women.

[MEmama]

Feels like this belongs here

[Garga]

I’m a technical writer. I cannot lose my ability to retrieve words! Everyone in my department depends on me to compose for them and also to check their work. Gah. I’m 50 and still am able to retrieve words. Maybe I’ll dodge that particular bullet?? (please!)

Oh, the guilt I’ve felt about wanting to be alone for the next year or two or three. Just Leave Me Alone. I’m sooooo tired of my to-do list being at least 50% for other people. 40% is boring stuff for the entire family (like grocery shopping), and maybe 10% is filled with the things I want to do for me (like declutter my dresser.)

I am SO TIRED of spending my entire life taking care of other people’s business. And yet, I love them too much to totally let them fail. Believe me, I give them as much to do on their own as is possible, yet I still spend half my time (when I’m not working) handling issues for the rest of the family. (My dh and oldest son have ADHD and it plays havoc on them being able to handle things on their own.)

I found myself thinking the other day, “So, my sons will move out a bit after they finish college. When does DH move out?” and then I realized, “He doesn’t move out! Argh!” Not that I don’t love him to pieces, but I just want some peace and quiet in my life and to only have to worry about myself for a year. Or two. Or three.

Edited March 14, 2023 by Garga

[Garga]

Ok, so it’s been 5 hours and now I’m feeling all sad that I wrote that I want to be alone. If my kids and husband were suddenly gone, I’d be crushed. 

I also went out the movies alone and just got back, so that helps. Just needed a couple of hours alone. Maybe not 3 years after all. 

[KungFuPanda]

Omg, this is vaguely reminiscent of pregnancy brain with the forgetfulness. I never could remember names well, but isolated words? It’s just weird. Also the constant impatience bubbling up inside me is going to be a problem. 
 
Now, after a two year pause I’m back to teaching some dance classes. I readied the troupe for a festival. We leave Thursday to spend 5 days in a condo together and performing on Friday.  I used to be so social but I’m wondering if it’ll be weird after being so isolated for so long. Additionally, I’ll be taking a couple workshops and I am not looking forward to trying to keep up with dancers half my age. I’m so tired and sore just from getting ready. 

[popmom]

5 hours ago, Garga said:

Ok, so it’s been 5 hours and now I’m feeling all sad that I wrote that I want to be alone. If my kids and husband were suddenly gone, I’d be crushed. 

I also went out the movies alone and just got back, so that helps. Just needed a couple of hours alone. Maybe not 3 years after all. 

I also wish we had a hug emoji. I can identify with both of your posts/sentiments. You are not the only one. I crave solitude.

[mommyoffive]

Oh wow, does this thread make me feel normal.  

[ShepCarlin]

Hopping on to say yes to all of this. I'm relieved to see the word retrieval is a "thing" because boy howdy, I. Am. There.

Yes, to fluctuating temps.

Yes, to irritability.

Yes, to IDGAF.

Yes, to the odd sleeping. I have been waking up at 3 am for weeks now. Sometimes I go back to sleep, sometimes not. It's almost always 3:14 or 3:40. So bizarre.

Yes, to alone time. It is much needed. Sometimes you just need a quiet reboot.

Yes, to exercise and eating. It's so easy to gain a few pounds with no effort at all. I never had weight issues until I hit 40. And if I don't stay on a exercise regimen, it all goes to mush. Quickly.