S/O Alternative to Funeral standard practice

[Ginevra]

I did not want to hijack Laura’s thread about her mother’s funeral. But I’m putting this here because I think this is a good idea. 
 

My MIL died January 16 but there will be only one community event and it isn’t until late March.  It will be two months since her death. We had experienced a delayed Celebration of Life like this recently when a beloved family friend died. In that case the delay was largely due to COVID but several of us, myself included, mentioned how much better it was than the typical funeral. There is time to set up memorabilia boards, choose a venue and caterer, and get past the acute grief a little bit. College kids can travel home, as well as out-of-town friends and family. 

 

IMO, delaying the Celebration of Life for a couple of months is such a good way to do it I would be happy to know my own funeral may be done the same way. I think it is much better than multiple viewings/wakes and a burial and reception. I think it would be nice if this practice were to become more common. It is true I can imagine instances where delaying it would not be better (such as traumatic death of a younger person; family won’t be in much better shape in two months time so it probably would make a difference). But for a very elderly person or maybe even just a “regular” older person, I’m liking it a lot. 

[teachermom2834]

I can see how some people would prefer that. My mother died at 64 after a brief illness. She was fine and working one day and then she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died exactly four weeks to the day we first noticed something was wrong. That four weeks was very traumatic with surgeries /diagnosis /treatments/hospice/so many decisions, etc. It was a wild ride. We had the funeral as quickly as we could get everyone there (my dh was out of the country and that delayed it a couple of days). We had the most minimal viewing followed immediately by the funeral and internment of the ashes the next day. It was all very fast. 
 

I was so relieved when it was over and everyone from out of town went home. I would not have wanted to drag that out another day and I have never wished we had more time. I think it would have been misery delaying and planning that for two months. I had a bunch of little kids I had to get back to being normal for.

Just my perspective with the only close death I have dealt with. 

[Arcadia]

My family of origin does not have a celebration of life. What would be closest to a celebration of life scenario would be the one year death anniversary. When my husband’s grandma died all the overseas children were not expected to fly back. When his aunt died, her daughter who was outstation overseas was not expected to fly back. Our family of origin are spread across a few continents so it is harder for everyone to show up for funerals. 

[kbutton]

Most delays I've known have been for weather other than during Covid. I don't think we've run into a lot of "grandkids in college" timing in our larger family so far, but that's another good reason. Some of the deaths that have had less convenient timing have been for people who didn't have a lot of family, and so we didn't have a lot of food to plan, etc., and the planning could go into the funeral. So, we've been pretty fortunate that way.

Non-delayed funerals have ranged from simple to more elaborate, but we have enough family to help, or people had church community support to bring food, etc. 

Another option, perhaps morbid to some, is to do some pre-planning with a box of photos to be used, some quick facts available for an obit, etc. I am pretty sure my grandmother has hers all planned out, and she's still planning to live forever, lol!!! Many years ago, she gave my DH sheet music she wants him to sing. 

I do like the idea of making things less burdensome and more meaningful.

[Katy]

A young father in my neighborhood died this week. They’re delaying his memorial service for several months too, for both family health reasons and so it can be at one of his favorite outdoor locations without weather worries.  I don’t know if immediate family is going to have their own memorial now. I do think it would’ve been nice if I’d been past the initial grief when my dad passed. On the other hand, people may not have been so open with stories about him months later. 

[Clarita]

I can see how some people might prefer that. 

For my father's sudden death I'm glad we did it all rather quickly. It was nice to sort of be busy with it all and have an excuse to make it super low key. Plus it meant I had to do all the condolences stuff before the grief and realization of death really hit me. I don't think I could have been as nice or patient to some people and their comments/thoughts until grief actually hit me or the first wave passed over me.  

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I can see how some people might prefer that. 

For my father's sudden death I'm glad we did it all rather quickly. It was nice to sort of be busy with it all and have an excuse to make it super low key. Plus it meant I had to do all the condolences stuff before the grief and realization of death really hit me. I don't think I could have been as nice or patient to some people and their comments/thoughts until grief actually hit me or the first wave passed over me.  

I do think this is a sort of good/bad thing. I was so dazed at my sister’s abrupt death at 42 that I legit do not remember anything except picking songs for my parents and scanning photos for memory boards. So in a way, it’s nice that I still had the benefit of shock, but it also means I did not really process who was there, what they said, etc. 

[Annie G]

I’m the kind of person who sees a funeral as a symbol of closure.  We delayed my mom’s, and my sister delayed her husband’s…for a year.  It wasn;t until my in-laws passed and we held their funerals within a week that I realized how much I need a funeral to be over so I can move on with my grief. 
I’m sure that there are a lot of folks who do better with a delayed service. I’m just not one of them.  But then again, we’re a small family and don’t have big funerals or receptions after. So not that much to prep- the photo boards and such were easy enough to put together quickly and are pretty cathartic. 

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Another option, perhaps morbid to some, is to do some pre-planning with a box of photos to be used, some quick facts available for an obit, etc. I am pretty sure my grandmother has hers all planned out, and she's still planning to live forever, lol!!! Many years ago, she gave my DH sheet music she wants him to sing. 

I think I’m going to do this for myself. Just for some aspects, like having all the information that would go in the obituary and might be part of the service. I know with MIL, there are a lot of texts going back and forth to get details like what year did she retire; what year did she move here, etc. It would be handy to have it all in one document already. 

[kbutton]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think I’m going to do this for myself. Just for some aspects, like having all the information that would go in the obituary and might be part of the service. I know with MIL, there are a lot of texts going back and forth to get details like what year did she retire; what year did she move here, etc. It would be handy to have it all in one document already. 

I think that would be a kindness.

I will say that looking for those details sometimes brings up fun stuff though. For instance, when comparing graduation dates for my grandparents, we had to dig a little to figure out why they graduated closer together than their ages would suggest...we'd either not realized or forgotten that my grandmother skipped a grade. 

[Emba]

4 hours ago, Annie G said:

I’m the kind of person who sees a funeral as a symbol of closure.  We delayed my mom’s, and my sister delayed her husband’s…for a year.  It wasn;t until my in-laws passed and we held their funerals within a week that I realized how much I need a funeral to be over so I can move on with my grief. 
I’m sure that there are a lot of folks who do better with a delayed service. I’m just not one of them.  But then again, we’re a small family and don’t have big funerals or receptions after. So not that much to prep- the photo boards and such were easy enough to put together quickly and are pretty cathartic. 

I am this way too. The catharsis of the funeral helps me move on and when it’s delayed the grief seems worse because it takes longer to really set in.

 But grief is very individual.

[TexasProud]

Yeah, absolutely not for me.  You see, if I am the one planning the funeral, then the weight of the event is on me. And I can't remember what the name of this phenomenon is, but I have found it to be true.  The amount of time you have is the amount the task takes.  So if you have 30 minutes, you do it in that amount of time. If you have all afternoon, it consumes the entire afternoon.

So for me, that means if the funeral has to be in 5 days, it will take 5 days.  If  it won't be for another 3 months, then I will be consumed with all of the details surrounding the event for all of those 3 months.  There will not be closure and it will take so much of my emotional energy that I just don't know I would want to give.

But that is me. So if it is my husband or my child that has died, I will have the funeral in a week or less.

For my funeral, I want whatever is easiest for my children.  We already have a plot. I have a service sketched out with music and everything. Our finances are organized. We make sure all of that is up to date before we leave on our mission trips because you never know.  But also at the end of the note is, you guys do whatever is easiest for you . Change the service. Don't do a service. We love you. 

Edited February 9, 2023 by TexasProud

[marbel]

I didn't think that practice was uncommon? I have been to several delayed memorial services. In my experience of this, the family had a small private service for burial or cremation, then later a more open memorial service for extended family and friends. 

I think it can work fine either way.  I mean, I can see the benefit of waiting so people have time to plan travel but I can also see the benefit of having it over with quickly. The hardest part? Disagreement among family members about which way is best. 

 

[ScoutTN]

13 hours ago, Quill said:

I think I’m going to do this for myself. Just for some aspects, like having all the information that would go in the obituary and might be part of the service. I know with MIL, there are a lot of texts going back and forth to get details like what year did she retire; what year did she move here, etc. It would be handy to have it all in one document already. 

My 86 yo mom has done some of this. Her whole service is planned and I have the folder with all the info. No photos though.

[BlsdMama]

14 hours ago, Quill said:

I think I’m going to do this for myself. Just for some aspects, like having all the information that would go in the obituary and might be part of the service. I know with MIL, there are a lot of texts going back and forth to get details like what year did she retire; what year did she move here, etc. It would be handy to have it all in one document already. 

Thank you for starting the thread. I actually am going to do it as well and order digital photos. I won't tell the fam the purpose, but I think I'll print our next kiddo's grad pics at the same time so it's not weird.

[HomeAgain]

I wouldn't mind a delayed celebration of life.  My way of thinking about my death has shifted quite a bit over the past few decades.  I used to be adamant about what I wanted and how it would happen.  Now?  I'd like my family to honor my wishes, but also to have closure in whichever way they decide is best for them.  If it makes them feel better to have a gathering directly after, fine. My husband is an extrovert and gets comfort from groups.  If they'd rather delay, okay.  They know I am morally opposed to having my body buried in the traditional manner, so I do expect that to be honored.  But anything else?  However they find closure.

[knitgrl]

Just to chime in that I think it is important to have SOMETHING. Some kind of gathering. I know so many people whose request was not to have anything. No funeral, no memorial service, no calling hours, no nothing. I had a co-worker who passed away and I wished I could have gone to something to pay my respects, but there was nothing to go to. Funeral rites, or whatever you want to call them, are a kindness for the living.

[mommyoffive]

We did that for my grandmother 10 almost 11 years ago.  I can't even remember the exact reason why it was done.  It might have been that a large portion of the family was from the west coast.  But yes I liked it a lot more than something right away, for many of the reasons you listed.  

[Emba]

1 hour ago, knitgrl said:

Just to chime in that I think it is important to have SOMETHING. Some kind of gathering. I know so many people whose request was not to have anything. No funeral, no memorial service, no calling hours, no nothing. I had a co-worker who passed away and I wished I could have gone to something to pay my respects, but there was nothing to go to. Funeral rites, or whatever you want to call them, are a kindness for the living.

Yes.  My best friend died very recently. Her family had a private memorial at their house for immediate family. I know that is their right to choose and I understand why it was done. But I would like the opportunity to pay my respects to my friend, to engage in a public sharing of grief with others who knew her and will also miss her, to remember her life and the ways she made a difference. And like I said up thread, funerals help me with closure. I just wish different choices had been made.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Emba

[madteaparty]

It’s not part of my tradition and I don’t prefer it for myself. I will say there are built in period of remembrances in my tradition (40 days, etc) when one visits the family. But the funeral and memorial service are  immediate and I think that’s correct. But I don’t care what my family does I will support whatever the grieving do. 
separately, traditions aside, I really really dislike the traditional American funeral process. I really want to be be buried immediately in the woods somewhere. There are places now that offer this 

[Annie G]

1 hour ago, knitgrl said:

Just to chime in that I think it is important to have SOMETHING. Some kind of gathering. I know so many people whose request was not to have anything. No funeral, no memorial service, no calling hours, no nothing. I had a co-worker who passed away and I wished I could have gone to something to pay my respects, but there was nothing to go to. Funeral rites, or whatever you want to call them, are a kindness for the living.

My mom unexpectedly ended up on life support and our family had to make the awful decision to remove her from it. My dad and sister decided no immediate service. About a year later I was talking to one of mom’s dear friends and told her how much her friendship meant to mom. She proceeded to blast me for not having a service because she was grieving too and needed that closure. Man, that stung, but I get it. People have different ways of dealing with it.

Upthread someone mentioned it’s hard when families can’t agree on what to do. yup- that’s hard. Dad and one sis said ‘service later’ and it’s been a decade and no service. My other sister really needs that service, as she’s still upset, feeling like mom wasn’t honored. Ugh. 

[Faith-manor]

The worst funeral planning decision my mom made was to have is service right away. We were all exhausted from caring for him and needed nothing more than sleep. On top of which, she could have paid cash for the expenses if we had waited foe the life insurance to come in. Instead, she put it on a credit card and the funeral home added on a credit card premium fee to cover their end of that and it was something like $1500 on a $7500 funeral. 

We will be doing a private service at home for Mark's mom when she passes, a month or two after it happens so everyone has time to plan the best weekend for the most folks. 25 people, backyard barbecue, sing her favorite hymns, reminisce, no pastor, no funeral home, no church fees. Everyone really likes this plan. I have friends who did hat when their mother died, and they said they will never go back to large, public events. It was so uplifting to just have the closest family and friends be able to share and interact, and grieve in private but also celebrate her life. And the food wad a lot better because they were providing for a small group instead of hundreds. They saved tons of money, and have far better memories of the event than any public, family funerals they have attended. So we are taking their advice.

I think families need to do what works best for the immediate family, and what is easily afforded. Much of what is considered "traditional" today has been manufactured by the funeral for-profit industry to convince everyone they are missing out and doing wrong by the community when in fact it isn't necessarily rooted in anything other than profit generation.

[teachermom2834]

I mentioned upthread about my mom dying quickly of a brain tumor. She walked out of work one Friday afternoon, a place she had worked for like 15 years, and just never returned. She was never even coherent enough to speak on the phone or visit with any of her work friends. So she was just gone to them with no warning or closure.

At her funeral, we had probably 40 people come through who we had no idea who they were that were my mom’s work friends. They were so upset and blindsided by the loss. They really needed to talk to us. A friend of mine came into the church and told me she had found a woman sitting on the ground in the parking lot weeping 😞 We had no idea who these people even were. But it seemed that having a service meant something to them. 
 

At the end of the day it really only matters, I guess, the wishes of the immediate family but these things do reach far and wide. We hadn’t really given any thought to my mom’s workplace in the crush of all we had to deal with but it obviously was a big deal to them to lose my mom. 

[knitgrl]

When my step-father passed away, there was no funeral service or calling hours. But a few months later, when the weather was nice and folks could hang outdoors, there was a gathering of people who were close to him at my mom's house. I can't remember if there was food or not, it might have been pot luck, but everyone shared a memory of him or what they admired about him. Very low key. But it was something.