Feeling dead inside

[fairfarmhand]

I don't know that I would say I am better off since my tragedy occurred. I don't think about it too much. I am who I am now. It's pointless to "what if" and wonder. I try to not focus too much on the past me. It's discouraging. 

For me, the dead feeling happened because I was so busy shoving down all the feelings. I could not bear to open up the pandora's box of feeling. And then I got to the point where I just couldn't go on. Every day I wondered if I would end it. I should probably have been hospitalized. 

Eventually, I had to slowly open up the box and sort through the feelings. There was a ton or resentment that I had to go through. I shoved it down because "Good Christian ladies always forgive." I also had to be honest with those around me. "No I do not want to take care of that. " Sometimes I was willing to do stuff but it was important for me to acknowledge that I didn't want to do it. My answer for many things was "I do not want to but I am willing to do it." I would not say this in a hateful way, but I just needed to own that I didn't want to, but I CHOSE to take care of certain things. Some things, I just didn't do. Other people had to step up. I took my name off of church volunteer lists and anything that wasn't essential. If I'd had cancer, I would not have signed up for anything extra. I figured that I could sort through a personal tragedy and take time to do it.

And grief is tiring. Feel free to rest and take care of yourself. Spend time alone or with friends, just for you. 

You are definitely not alone. 

[kristin0713]

I wonder if a different medication would help just as much with the depression but also give you back more of yourself? I don't have any other advice, but I wanted to offer support. (And also, if you are looking to cut out sugar, you can still keep your chocolate. There are options that are low sugar. 85% dark chocolate or Lilly's chocolate chips sweetened. with stevia are great.) 

[Rosie_0801]

4 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

  I felt like I had become something subhuman in my grief.  

Definitely not.

[fairfarmhand]

8 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

Thank you everyone so much for sharing your experiences. It has helped enormously to know I am not alone in going through this.  I did put through an emergency call to my therapist and we talked through some of the worst of it and will talk again later this week.   Thank you so much for reassuring me that what I was going through was a response to trauma,  not a loss of my humanity and decency.   I felt like I had become something subhuman in my grief.  Thank you for offering hope in the middle of the craziness of today. 

One thing that has helped me is to look at myself with curiosity instead of condemnation. I have thoughts or feelings and wonder "where did that come from?" instead of "What a horrible thought! You should be ashamed of yourself." This helped me open the box where I shoved my feelings and explore the events that led me to where I am.

[GracieJane]

There is a type of woman who works very hard to “not need”. She has a pervasive sense that to be needy is shameful and “too much”.  Worse yet, if she somehow exposed that need to her family, they would shrink from it, or contemn it, because it’s “too much” and she’s “too needy”. The feeling of too muchness is like a stain you try to scrub away or hide, but it lingers. 

I only say this because you talk about being the glue, and people (rightly) try to encourage you to rest and take care of yourself. But I don’t think that’s necessarily the best advice for this type of woman, so take it with a grain of salt! 🙂

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, GracieJane said:

I only say this because you talk about being the glue, and people (rightly) try to encourage you to rest and take care of yourself. But I don’t think that’s necessarily the best advice for this type of woman, so take it with a grain of salt! 🙂

People who don't take care of themselves in these ways are encouraging their bodies to develop autoimmune diseases.

[Scarlett]

I have read along….,saying yes, yes, of course…..I reached my breaking point about 3 years ago and I am never going to be the same.  I muddle along, and be what I need be for my husband and my parents.  But I am a shell of who I was. 

I have struggled to not fold into weight…..but that only makes it worse.

[Scarlett]

I think with time joy can come back.  Even if the trigger doesn’t change and there is no fixing some things…..there is joy to be had.  
 

At some point this gave me a little ray of hope

My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don't think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow.
Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.
You see?
You are advancing step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Praise yourself.
Take another step.
Then another.
You won't notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.

- Elena Mikhalkova

 

 

[Tap]

You are not alone. There are many of us out here. I once tried to explain to a therapist the complex world that is my life. Even after 6 sessions, she really didn't have an idea what what going on and who the important people were.  She did give me the information I asked her for, and then I stopped going to her. I had hoped, to continue for a while to work through some things, but I found it all overwhelming to give enough backstory, that she could help me work through some things. 

I did turn to writing it all out and to really figure out what the priority information was that someone would need to know, to give advice. In this process, I found my own advice and my own way of healing. I am not a journal person, nor a writer. But the process of putting together cohesive sentences and outlining who is who, really helped me figure out some of the problems I was having mentally processing the events. Most of all, I really worked to figure out the relationships between part of the people involved, and it helped me to forgive some things that were creating mental stumbling blocks. 

I hope you find the right person to talk to and books to read. It makes the days really long when you  feel like you are living your live in the shadows and just  doing things because they need to be done. 😞

(((((Hugs))))))

 

[Amy Gen]

On 2/5/2022 at 1:31 PM, Carol in Cal. said:

You know, this sounds like it has elements of PTSD in it to me.

You might consider reading “The Body Keeps The Score” or “My Grandmother’s Hands” for some ideas of how to address trauma.  Also if I felt like that I would be looking for an EMDR practitioner to work with.

I haven’t finished reading all of the replies, but I’m going to get this book.  I went through feeling exactly like you are describing about 10 years ago. In my case, I was 46 and suddenly going though a rash of miscarriages. It was so insane. I’d get pregnant, see the heartbeat, and then I would miscarry, over and over again. When I tried to google the chances of carrying a baby to term at 46, the articles would just say that women don’t really get pregnant at that age without IVF, but why did it keep happening to me? I decided first, to just push through. Twice, I had to hold my legs together and walk funny to the bathroom because I was actually passing tissue while waiting on customers. 
 

About 6 months after this, I was watering my flowers and started crying and couldn’t stop. It just so happened that both my sister and my husband called while I was sitting their crying, and both of them mark that day as the last time they ever spoke to the person I used to be. 

After that, I just went through the motions of living, and quit feeling anything other than irritation and occasionally rage. It just hurt too much to care. My sister would cry about how much she missed the person she counted on her entire life. I asked if she didn’t think I missed that person too, but I’m not God. I can’t bring back the dead. I was also really ashamed of being broken and dead, because unlike what I assume OP and their family went through, what broke me was very minor. Not only that, most people, don’t even believe what I lost was considered real lives. My sister couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just using birth control, but I really wanted to know God’s will. If God had a plan for me to have a 6th child, I wanted that plan too. I just couldn’t understand some plan that included getting my hopes up and repeatedly destroying them. The toll on my hormones wasn’t so great either. 
 

I went through about 8 years of being dead. Out of the blue, I’d tell my husband I wanted a divorce, not because we had any fights or conflict, but because I couldn’t feel any love for him, and I wondered if I ever had. 
 

Then, I went through another series of traumas which look much more serious from the outside, but hurt so much less than the miscarriages. In the last two years, I’ve had I few weeks when I had three life-threatening conditions at once. I have had five surgeries, two broken bones, over a week in ICU, five operations, twelve rounds of chemo, five blood clots…..The list goes on, but I was so calm. My nurses cried holding my hand and told me what an inspiration I was to them. They didn’t understand that it wasn’t hard for me to be brave. Dead people can’t feel anything and they can’t feel fear. 
 

After a while, I started trying to do small things, but where as before, I had been dead, but able to still go through the motions, suddenly, I couldn’t even do that. I had avoided having another breakdown, or even crying at all, but I couldnt go through the motions any more. If a friend tried to talk to me, I’d either yell at them or cry. If the pharmacist made me wait for a prescription, I’d cry. If my husband gently corrected one of the kids, I’d get so upset, that I just wanted to kill myself. I quit going to my appointments and blocked my surgeons’ phone numbers so that they couldn’t harass me about it. I sobbed uncontrollably through PT, then quit going there too. 
 

My oncologist talked me into seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD right away. He assured me, “We know what this is, and I’m certain that we can help you.” I’m on a variety of meds, and it has been a little over 6 months, and I’m definitely feeling better. I’m super grateful for my husband and tell him that I love him and appreciate him all day long. I’m able to do a few more things for myself. I’m looking forward to the future for the first time in a decade, but I know I can never go back to the person I was before. Instead, I think of it as serial lives. I’m a new person now, and I have choices, exciting choices about who that person becomes. I apologized to my sister for ghosting her and assured her that she had done nothing wrong; I was just non functional, so I have that closeness back. My 12 year old recently was also diagnosed with PTSD from my health emergencies. She started meds, and we are searching for a therapist for her. I’m grateful that she won’t have to suffer as long as I did because I just didn’t know what was wrong with me, or how to fix it. 
 

I’m sorry you are going through this, OP, but I’m glad you posted, because looking for a solution is a great first step in finding a solution!

 

 

 

[NorthernBeth]

15 hours ago, Tap said:

You are not alone. There are many of us out here. I once tried to explain to a therapist the complex world that is my life. Even after 6 sessions, she really didn't have an idea what what going on and who the important people were.  She did give me the information I asked her for, and then I stopped going to her. I had hoped, to continue for a while to work through some things, but I found it all overwhelming to give enough backstory, that she could help me work through some things. 

I did turn to writing it all out and to really figure out what the priority information was that someone would need to know, to give advice. In this process, I found my own advice and my own way of healing. I am not a journal person, nor a writer. But the process of putting together cohesive sentences and outlining who is who, really helped me figure out some of the problems I was having mentally processing the events. Most of all, I really worked to figure out the relationships between part of the people involved, and it helped me to forgive some things that were creating mental stumbling blocks. 

I hope you find the right person to talk to and books to read. It makes the days really long when you  feel like you are living your live in the shadows and just  doing things because they need to be done. 😞

(((((Hugs))))))

 

Thank you , this was good to hear.  Honestly I have been working with this therapist for about 5 months.  He still does not know all the major events and traumas because I can only handle talking about so much of it at a time.    

I have just begun trying to journal again.  I think the big problem is my fear ( probably unwarranted) that someone is going to pick up and read something about themselves that they don't want to hear.  So then I am journaling in code.  I probably just need to find some more secure place to keep it.  

"It makes the days really long when you  feel like you are living your live in the shadows and just  doing things because they need to be done."

Yes.  Yes, it really, really does. 

[NorthernBeth]

7 minutes ago, Amy Gen said:

I haven’t finished reading all of the replies, but I’m going to get this book.  I went through feeling exactly like you are describing about 10 years ago. In my case, I was 46 and suddenly going though a rash of miscarriages. It was so insane. I’d get pregnant, see the heartbeat, and then I would miscarry, over and over again. When I tried to google the chances of carrying a baby to term at 46, the articles would just say that women don’t really get pregnant at that age without IVF, but why did it keep happening to me? I decided first, to just push through. Twice, I had to hold my legs together and walk funny to the bathroom because I was actually passing tissue while waiting on customers. 
 

About 6 months after this, I was watering my flowers and started crying and couldn’t stop. It just so happened that both my sister and my husband called while I was sitting their crying, and both of them mark that day as the last time they ever spoke to the person I used to be. 

After that, I just went through the motions of living, and quit feeling anything other than irritation and occasionally rage. It just hurt too much to care. My sister would cry about how much she missed the person she counted on her entire life. I asked if she didn’t think I missed that person too, but I’m not God. I can’t bring back the dead. I was also really ashamed of being broken and dead, because unlike what I assume OP and their family went through, what broke me was very minor. Not only that, most people, don’t even believe what I lost was considered real lives. My sister couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just using birth control, but I really wanted to know God’s will. If God had a plan for me to have a 6th child, I wanted that plan too. I just couldn’t understand some plan that included getting my hopes up and repeatedly destroying them. The toll on my hormones wasn’t so great either. 
 

I went through about 8 years of being dead. Out of the blue, I’d tell my husband I wanted a divorce, not because we had any fights or conflict, but because I couldn’t feel any love for him, and I wondered if I ever had. 
 

Then, I went through another series of traumas which look much more serious from the outside, but hurt so much less than the miscarriages. In the last two years, I’ve had I few weeks when I had three life-threatening conditions at once. I have had five surgeries, two broken bones, over a week in ICU, five operations, twelve rounds of chemo, five blood clots…..The list goes on, but I was so calm. My nurses cried holding my hand and told me what an inspiration I was to them. They didn’t understand that it wasn’t hard for me to be brave. Dead people can’t feel anything and they can’t feel fear. 
 

After a while, I started trying to do small things, but where as before, I had been dead, but able to still go through the motions, suddenly, I couldn’t even do that. I had avoided having another breakdown, or even crying at all, but I couldnt go through the motions any more. If a friend tried to talk to me, I’d either yell at them or cry. If the pharmacist made me wait for a prescription, I’d cry. If my husband gently corrected one of the kids, I’d get so upset, that I just wanted to kill myself. I quit going to my appointments and blocked my surgeons’ phone numbers so that they couldn’t harass me about it. I sobbed uncontrollably through PT, then quit going there too. 
 

My oncologist talked me into seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD right away. He assured me, “We know what this is, and I’m certain that we can help you.” I’m on a variety of meds, and it has been a little over 6 months, and I’m definitely feeling better. I’m super grateful for my husband and tell him that I love him and appreciate him all day long. I’m able to do a few more things for myself. I’m looking forward to the future for the first time in a decade, but I know I can never go back to the person I was before. Instead, I think of it as serial lives. I’m a new person now, and I have choices, exciting choices about who that person becomes. I apologized to my sister for ghosting her and assured her that she had done nothing wrong; I was just non functional, so I have that closeness back. My 12 year old recently was also diagnosed with PTSD from my health emergencies. She started meds, and we are searching for a therapist for her. I’m grateful that she won’t have to suffer as long as I did because I just didn’t know what was wrong with me, or how to fix it. 
 

I’m sorry you are going through this, OP, but I’m glad you posted, because looking for a solution is a great first step in finding a solution!

 

 

 

I can't handle responding to this with the detail it deserves, but thank you very much for sharing this.  Many of these events are similar to what has happened to me. I am trying not to bawl just reading this, as i have to go back to work in about 20 minutes, and I don't want to be a train wreck.  

" I think of it as serial lives"

Ok, that works.   I have been wondering how to get the old me back.  Maybe instead I just have to let her go, and start with the current me.  

It's just....... I don't like current me very much. 

 I liked the old me a great deal.  

Would you be ok with me sharing this post as a starting point to discuss some things with my therapist?  I wouldn't share your screen-name or anything, but the sequence of events and feelings are so similar.  Sometimes I find in the therapy appointments,  I can hardly talk, because I am trying so hard not to cry that I can barely speak at all.  Other times I feel like we are talking about things that sound important but in the long run are really inconsequential and not really important at all... But sometimes I can't stop doing this fake, chatty routine  that just is.... pointless. 

[Katy]

16 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

I can't handle responding to this with the detail it deserves, but thank you very much for sharing this.  Many of these events are similar to what has happened to me. I am trying not to bawl just reading this, as i have to go back to work in about 20 minutes, and I don't want to be a train wreck.  

" I think of it as serial lives"

Ok, that works.   I have been wondering how to get the old me back.  Maybe instead I just have to let her go, and start with the current me.  

It's just....... I don't like current me very much. 

 I liked the old me a great deal.  

Would you be ok with me sharing this post as a starting point to discuss some things with my therapist?  I wouldn't share your screen-name or anything, but the sequence of events and feelings are so similar.  Sometimes I find in the therapy appointments,  I can hardly talk, because I am trying so hard not to cry that I can barely speak at all.  Other times I feel like we are talking about things that sound important but in the long run are really inconsequential and not really important at all... But sometimes I can't stop doing this fake, chatty routine  that just is.... pointless. 

Print this, with your response, and hand it to your therapist.

[Amy Gen]

17 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

Would you be ok with me sharing this post as a starting point to discuss some things with my therapist? 

Absolutely! I’m the Queen of over sharing so I’m not worried about my privacy at all.  I’m rooting for you! 

[Tap]

32 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

Thank you , this was good to hear.  Honestly I have been working with this therapist for about 5 months.  He still does not know all the major events and traumas because I can only handle talking about so much of it at a time.    

I have just begun trying to journal again.  I think the big problem is my fear ( probably unwarranted) that someone is going to pick up and read something about themselves that they don't want to hear.  So then I am journaling in code.  I probably just need to find some more secure place to keep it.  

"It makes the days really long when you  feel like you are living your live in the shadows and just  doing things because they need to be done."

Yes.  Yes, it really, really does. 

If you journal on a laptop, you can lock a document in a file and then it would require a password or pin to open. If anything happens to the laptop, you risk losing it, but that is true with a paper journal as well. You could also make a new email address and email letters to this 2nd account. Just make sure to delete them from the 'sent' folder in the one you send them from. so they aren't easy to find. 

Edited February 9, 2022 by Tap

[fairfarmhand]

58 minutes ago, Tap said:

If you journal on a laptop, you can lock a document in a file and then it would require a password or pin to open. If anything happens to the laptop, you risk losing it, but that is true with a paper journal as well. You could also make a new email address and email letters to this 2nd account. Just make sure to delete them from the 'sent' folder in the one you send them from. so they aren't easy to find. 

In my gmail account I can send emails to myself.

[Melissa Louise]

It's ok if it takes a long time to tell the backstory. 

That was all I did the first 18 months in therapy, and honestly, I still haven't told all of it. Because I got tired of backstory! But enough we could start to work.

It took a long time to even start the therapeutic stuff. A lot in the first year is trust building. You don't just tell the darkest stuff to a stranger - you gotta build the relationship.

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Hi AmyGen,

I am so glad you are starting to feel better and making so much progress.

About those books—I have read the second one, and it is quite focussed on racial issues.  However, it could still be useful with other ones, I think, because it models techniques that would be applicable to any trauma.  The first one is the one I hear mentioned all the time by folks, and also as a source for the second one, but I don’t know how much practical and practicable information it has.  I know that it covers the case for the body storing trauma in various ways, but I don’t know whether it addresses how best to clear this.  

And, just saying, those were definitely babies that you lost, in my mind.  Those were real, true losses to really, truly mourn.  I’m very sorry that you went through that.

[Tap]

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

In my gmail account I can send emails to myself.

I do this all the time too. My  email is shared, so I forget that others have private emails. LOL 

[fairfarmhand]

4 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

I can't handle responding to this with the detail it deserves, but thank you very much for sharing this.  Many of these events are similar to what has happened to me. I am trying not to bawl just reading this, as i have to go back to work in about 20 minutes, and I don't want to be a train wreck.  

" I think of it as serial lives"

Ok, that works.   I have been wondering how to get the old me back.  Maybe instead I just have to let her go, and start with the current me.  

It's just....... I don't like current me very much. 

 I liked the old me a great deal.  

Would you be ok with me sharing this post as a starting point to discuss some things with my therapist?  I wouldn't share your screen-name or anything, but the sequence of events and feelings are so similar.  Sometimes I find in the therapy appointments,  I can hardly talk, because I am trying so hard not to cry that I can barely speak at all.  Other times I feel like we are talking about things that sound important but in the long run are really inconsequential and not really important at all... But sometimes I can't stop doing this fake, chatty routine  that just is.... pointless. 

Don't try to get the old you back. It will just depress you.

I've had to learn to look at life in phases. There's the young mom me. So optimistic and full of hopes and dreams for the future. Naive. Energetic. Sunny, cheerful. I thought I knew it all. 

Then there's the me in my 30s. A little less certain. Growing in maturity. Still discovering interesting things about myself, learning to parent my children.

Then some crises happened. 

The mid crisis me was jaded. Broken, Wounded. Bleeding inside. Bitter.

And the me right now is healing. relearning how to trust some people around me. How to trust myself. Who I am and who I value. What is most important is changed. But I still love deeply. 

I could not find healing until I accepted that right or wrong, the younger me is gone. I miss her from time to time, but it is what it is. I still, even in my brokenness, have something to offer those around me. And I'm worth getting to know. 

[NorthernBeth]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

I could not find healing until I accepted that right or wrong, the younger me is gone. I miss her from time to time, but it is what it is. I still, even in my brokenness, have something to offer those around me. And I'm worth getting to know. 

I had not even realized it was an option to just accept that she is gone and not coming back.   I thought I did not count as healed until she was back.  

I love that you said you are worth getting to know.   I love that confidence and self-respect!!  

 

I can't say enough about how helpful this thread has been to me.  It is just such an enormous relief to know that others have gone through this process and come out the other side changed but with someone they are ok with being.  I felt like what I was going through was so insanely weird that I was afraid to even tell the therapist about it in case he decided I was just out of my mind. 

[NorthernBeth]

6 hours ago, Amy Gen said:

Absolutely! I’m the Queen of over sharing so I’m not worried about my privacy at all.  I’m rooting for you! 

Thank- you so much!!!!   I feel like I keep thinking in colours or pictures... I find it so hard sometimes to put emotional stuff into words in a way that other people understand.  It is a relief to see someone else concisely explain something that would take me forever to try and explain.

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

I had not even realized it was an option to just accept that she is gone and not coming back.   I thought I did not count as healed until she was back.  

I love that you said you are worth getting to know.   I love that confidence and self-respect!!  

 

I can't say enough about how helpful this thread has been to me.  It is just such an enormous relief to know that others have gone through this process and come out the other side changed but with someone they are ok with being.  

I feel the same way about everything you wrote here.  Thanks so much for posting - this has been very helpful for me too.  I hope you find the peace you deserve.  

[Jaybee]

I recently heard a podcast where they were discussing (very loose paraphrase to follow) how we think our story is kind of set by who we are as maybe a young adult, but in reality, our story changes as our life develops, and we are not the same and shouldn't expect to be. I've been thinking on that for a few days. I had this one identity, and have sometimes tried to hold onto it as other things changed, and it hasn't always worked very well. 

In relation to @fairfarmhand's post above, I was thinking about myself that yes, that young person is gone. But the older one does have something to offer. There is depth, maturity, and understanding that were not there before.

[NorthernBeth]

It mostly feels like there is bitterness, cynicism and despair, which I would hate to offer to anyone.

[Jaybee]

2 minutes ago, NorthernBeth said:

It mostly feels like there is bitterness, cynicism and despair, which I would hate to offer to anyone.

I don't think are you going to stay stuck there, though.❤️

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, NorthernBeth said:

It mostly feels like there is bitterness, cynicism and despair, which I would hate to offer to anyone.

I promise you most likely won’t stay there. It may take awhile for it to all leak out but it will diminish. Being open with it helped me the most. Hiding it and pretending it wasn’t there made the ugly seem to stick around longer.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, NorthernBeth said:

I had not even realized it was an option to just accept that she is gone and not coming back.   I thought I did not count as healed until she was back.  

I love that you said you are worth getting to know.   I love that confidence and self-respect!!  

 

. 

Even as recent as a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to say that. This whole process has taken me…

7???!!!

years. it’s not been all as hard as the first few years were. 

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

It mostly feels like there is bitterness, cynicism and despair, which I would hate to offer to anyone.

It's part of the process and you won't stay like that forever unless you really try to.

[Jenny in Florida]

13 hours ago, NorthernBeth said:

It mostly feels like there is bitterness, cynicism and despair, which I would hate to offer to anyone.

Unfortunately, I am in a similar place. Mostly, I feel empty, though, more like I have nothing to offer.

My epiphany a few weeks ago was that my whole life philosophy that "things usually work out" only holds true if you can say that every experience you've had led to you to where you are . . . and feel good about that current location. However, since I am not in any way happy where I am . . .

[SHP]

On 2/5/2022 at 3:31 PM, Carol in Cal. said:

You know, this sounds like it has elements of PTSD in it to me.

You might consider reading “The Body Keeps The Score” or “My Grandmother’s Hands” for some ideas of how to address trauma.  Also if I felt like that I would be looking for an EMDR practitioner to work with.

 

I second EMDR and The Body Keeps Score. I would also suggest sitting with the prescribing doctor and looking at other medications. I cannot take anti depressants, and found I do better with a combination of anxiety medications.

OP, I know exactly what you described and could have written it a few years ago and then again last year after new trauma. Healing is possible, you may never be the same as you were before, but you can be alive.

[Amy in NH]

Many years ago I started taking anti-anxiety medication to alleviate emotional upheaval which was causing me to be completely dysfunctional during a horrible custody battle.  It was such a huge relief to feel that constant adrenaline dump dissipate.  A couple of years after the whole thing was over, I stopped taking the medication because the anxiety had been situational.  Except I didn't realize that I still wasn't feeling anything until I suddenly "woke up" - like a sudden jolt from a sound sleep that makes you sit up and gasp - about five years later.  I realized then that I had actually felt dead inside during those intervening years, but I just didn't recognize it until I finally felt alive again.

You can feel alive again too, but don't expect to ever be the same as you were before.  In my experience, crises situations, or traumas, make us grow and change faster than smaller, more manageable life challenges.  It will take time for you to understand and accept your new self.


 

[Grace Hopper]

@NorthernBethand others, this popped up in my media stream this morning. I know it’s not a direct metaphor, but I offer it as a bit of encouragement. May we all find ourselves enlivened with new purpose as we emerge from the mess of these last few years. And for newish and soon to be empty nesters. And for those like the OP, whose journey has been tougher than many. 
 

Spring is coming.

 

 

[NorthernBeth]

I absolutely adore this!!!