Children close in age or far apart?

[lulubelle]

My walking partner would not let this discussion go the other day. She was insistent that having children close in age would create a better relationship between siblings. I disagreed and said it depended on many different factors such as parents and personality and had nothing to do with age spacing. Any opinions?

[Haiku]

I don't think that age spacing has nothing to do with it, nor do I think that having kids close together automatically creates a close relationship. I don't think you or your friend can claim to be completely right.

 

I have kids who are a few months apart in age and I also have a child who is 8 years older than the younger ones.

 

I think that both personality and spacing play parts in their relationships.

 

Tara

[Danestress]

I think it depends on a lot of factors, but I think spacing can make a difference too, and I also think it depends on what "close" relationship looks like. If you want children who will play together and have fun together, I don't think a 12 year old boy will typically want to play with his 7 year old sister in a "best friends" kind of way. But that doesn't mean he won't love her, care for her, and grow up to be close to her.

 

I have a sister who is 6 years younger than me. I really really love her and as an adult, I would say that we are quite close. But growing up, I didn't play with her except to entertain her in a 'baby sitting" kind of way. My social life was pretty much apart from her because of the age gap. So if my mother was hoping that we would be bestest friends as chidren, she was disappointed. But if she looks at our relationship today, it's really a good one. I also had a sister 2 years older, and we weren't that close growing up either, and are very close now.

 

So I don't agree that it has "nothing to do" with spacing. But I do agree that spacing is just one factor.

 

 

My walking partner would not let this discussion go the other day. She was insistent that having children close in age would create a better relationship between siblings. I disagreed and said it depended on many different factors such as parents and personality and had nothing to do with age spacing. Any opinions?

Edited December 9, 2008 by Danestress

[snickelfritz]

Growing up, I was the closest to my youngest sister. The olders just had a different world by that point and my youngest sister was a built in play-mate.

 

NOW.....I am closest to my sister that is 12 years older. I forget how much older she is than me, but we have the most similar interests.

 

ETA: These are all full siblings. My dad had a military career and my mom went to college in the middle of the 2 sets.

[lionfamily1999]

My kids are five years apart. My older two (7 & nearly 12), play together NOW, but up until Andrew was old enough to know what a Pokemon was Jocelyn had little to do with him. My youngest is sort of an odd man out, except that he parrots everything they say and both kids find that hilarious.

 

I'm two years younger than my brother. In school, no one knew we were brother and sister because we hung out together and got along so well. Now, we are still close. My sister is seven years older than me and five years older than my brother. Heather and Roland were closeish when we were kids, probably because they had to put up with me. As adults, the three of us get along great, we talk to eachother at least once a week and see eachother a few times a month.

 

The years between only really matter when the kids are little and developement keeps them apart. Once they become adults it doesn't matter anymore.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I don't think far spaced kids can't be close and I don't think closely spaced kids WILL be close. However, it does seem that spending more time together, especially in meaningful times of life would HELP the cause. So where kids with 2 years between them will be together through everything from preschool age through young adulthood, that does seem to help a little. It seems like it'd be much harder to be truly close if big brother moves out of the home when little sister is 8.

 

But I agree with the others that there are many more factors.

 

My kids have 2.5 years difference and are very close. However, if I have my way, I will have another child or two still (not very likely, maybe but I'm hopeful). There will be at least 14.5 years and 17yrs between my current children and the new children. And I'm hoping they will be close despite the age difference.

[BamaTanya]

But it didn't really factor into our decisions. I guess I just went with my gut feeling -- ANY time is the right time for a baby! I wanted to give my body at least a year's recovery time . . . plus have time to nurse each baby . . . but beyond that, we didn't attempt to *space* them.

 

My 3 boys are all 2 years apart. The older 2 get along well. The younger bugs the stew out of them. BUT, they each tolerate him better when they're alone with him.

 

This same youngest boy is a great pal to his sister, 4 years younger. He's the one she can rope into playing with her and sharing with her.

 

That said, my girls (our oldest and youngest dc) are 10.5 years apart. They don't "play" together, but they are inseparable in the dressing and dancing and make-up . . .

 

I think personality is the biggest factor.

[lulubelle]

Let me clarify that my friend didn't understand the point to having a large spacing with children because they would not be close. She didn't understand why another friend, who had an 8 year old, was having another child. I thought that was pretty harsh thinking.

[Beth in Central TX]

My oldest son plays better with his brother that is 6 years younger than his brother that is 16 months younger because of their personalities, likes, and dislikes. Luckily, all three of them play well together, and no one is ever left out, unless he wants to be; my middle son would really rather play alone most of the time.

Edited December 9, 2008 by Beth in Central TX

[snickelfritz]

Since she was 12 years older, we didn't really play together. She dressed us up, read stories, did our hair. As I got older, she also did my prom makeup and hair and we are very close now. She was also more the one that I went to for advice, because my mom isn't so much into touchy feely conversations. So, I do think your friends thinking is harsh.

 

Let me clarify that my friend didn't understand the point to having a large spacing with children because they would not be close. She didn't understand why another friend, who had an 8 year old, was having another child. I thought that was pretty harsh thinking.

[Tree House Academy]

Well, my kids are 4 years and 2 months apart in age and I can't say they "get along" LOL but I can't say that kids who are closer in age get along any better. There are challenges to both.

 

If I had my choice, I would have had my kids 2 years apart instead of 4...but I would not have had them back to back within month of giving birth to one. However, I was divorced and then remarried, so I didn't really have the luxury to make that decision within MY time frame...

 

ETA:

 

I also think that homeschooling changes things a bit. If my kids were in ps, they would be in different classes with different friends where it would be "uncool" for my older to hang out with my younger. However, being at home together and in the same "classroom" here all day, they have a bond that is much tighter than what my sister and I had growing up. I am 3 years older than her and we were always fighting. She would bring her friends home to play and they would follow me like lost puppies. She got mad at me for it and I got mad at her for it (I didn't want to hang out or be seen with those little kids! LOL). Homeschooled kids are just...different. It is not all about age...not in our little world anyway. It may also help that my dh is 10 years older than me - the kids see that age is just a number and it does not limit people in their interactions. :)

Edited December 9, 2008 by Tree House Academy

[amy g.]

My oldest daughter and son are 21 months apart, and the are very, very close. They have maybe had 3 arguments in the entire 12 years Ds has been alive. Their personalities are really opposite, but they compliment each other.

 

Miss Beautiful has pretty much been excluded from their closeness ever since she stopped being a baby. She and Mr. Clever used to fight ever time they were in the same room...not very enjoyable. The older kids treat her like she never has anything of value to add.

 

I thought that having Miss Bossy would give Miss Beautiful someone to be close to, who would admire her. They do play together well, but My oldest has developed a very close bond to the baby. When those two are together, both of my middle kids get left out.

 

What's interesting is that this really inspired Mr. Clever to put some effort into his relationship with Miss Beautiful. He started listening to tapes with her at night, and sleeping on the floor in her room. He makes a point to compliment her more often. I'd say their fighting has decreased be 2/3. It's still more than anyone else in the family, but it is a huge improvement.

 

In our family, I'd say personality plays a much bigger role than spacing. I think they will all be very close as adults.

 

I've always been close to my brother who is 12 years younger than I am. I was never close to my sister who is 3 years older until we became adults.

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with you (not your walking partner).

 

Of my three sisters, I am closest to the one who is six years younger than me.

 

Two of my sisters are "best friends"--they are separated by four years.

 

I had the hardest time getting along with my sister who was only two years younger than me.

 

My husband is very close to his sister, who is four years younger than him. Likewise, my two dc are very close but are also separated by four years.

[Harriet Vane]

Let me clarify that my friend didn't understand the point to having a large spacing with children because they would not be close. She didn't understand why another friend, who had an 8 year old, was having another child. I thought that was pretty harsh thinking.

 

Yes, this is pretty limited thinking.

[Carrie12345]

It's personality, not age (imo.)

 

My girls are 13 months apart, and they have a love/hate relationship. I'm closer to the sister who is 7 years my junior than the one who is 3 years my junior. All of my kids love to play with their baby brother. My 6yo often prefers to play with the 10yo, rather than the 5yo.

 

And, honestly, I didn't handle my dds' younger years very well. It was too overwhelming for me to deal with all of the baby stages back to back. I wouldn't have children closely spaced again simply because it's not good for *me.

[beansprouts]

Let me clarify that my friend didn't understand the point to having a large spacing with children because they would not be close. She didn't understand why another friend, who had an 8 year old, was having another child. I thought that was pretty harsh thinking.

 

For me it has been a blessing that my daughter is five and seven years older than (the monsters...) I mean her younger brothers :tongue_smilie: She is such a huge help to me. Right now she is still young enough to enjoy playing with the boys at their own level. I know in time the way they relate to each other will change, but I see no reason why they won't stop being close. *shrugs*

[TravelingChris]

I honestly think it is personality more than spacing. With my children, my oldest and younest are most similar. They are 7.5 years apart. In the middle is my daughter who is not like the other two at all. She isn't close to the other two as well. She usually gets along okay with the other two but not close.

[beansprouts]

I wonder if this thought comes from the institutional mindset that children need to be segregated among other children their own age so they never learn to relate to children at different stages.

[Jumping In Puddles]

I grew up with a brother 2 years older, one 2 years younger. I was not close at all to my older brother and my younger brother and I were best friends for many, many years. Actually looking back now I feel that we should have tried to include #1 a little more.

 

My children (boy/girl) are 14 months apart. They are truly best friends now. My sil had a baby girl a few weeks before my son was born, and didn't have another one until 2 years ago. There is no way that they are friends now. They are close, they love and adore each other, but they don't play like my kids do.

 

That being said, her 2 girls may end up being best life long friends and my 2 could grow apart. But right NOW, the close age spacing makes all the difference in the world.

 

I am thinking I'd like to have another baby, in which case my oldest 2 would be 6 and 7 years older. I wouldn't expect that child to have much in common with the older siblings to PLAY, but I hope they would be "close" none the less.

Edited December 9, 2008 by Jumping In Puddles

[amy g.]

I agree that the institutional mindset contributes to that line of thinking.

 

In addition, It would be very difficult for my children to be as close as they are if the older ones were at different schools all day.

 

I have seen families where they really make it work, but I think it is harder.

[LisaKinVA]

Oh so many factors play into this.

 

My MIL and her sister (18 mos apart) have NEVER been close. Not as children and not as adults.

 

My brother and I (18 mos. apart) aparently were great playmates until a younger brother (3 yrs. younger than I) came along. Ever since that time, my brother and I have not gotten along. But, there is a lot more to that story than belongs in this thread.

 

My brothers (all three) born in 67, 71 and 76 all got along very well when they lived at home and are all still close. I'm not really "close" to any of my brothers. I love them, but don't really share any common goals or interests with them. (I'm apparently still to bookish, have different educational goals for our children -- and they are very much into sports).

 

My dh has twin brothers -- he's fairly close to both of them now, but they pretty much had their own world as children. There were 4 years between them. The twins are still pretty close, but not like it used to be prior to marriage & children... but again, that's another story.

 

For every grouping of "close" in age children who wind up having a close relationship, you can probably find an opposite example -- same for more "spaced" children.

 

FWIW, my 9yo boy and my 5yo boy play together quite a bit. They have things they love to play together (legos & bionicles being the top things), I expect that we'll see some more of this through the years.

 

My 6.5yo daughter and my 2.5 yo daughter play ponies and dress-up together. My 6.5 yo is more like a little mom than a playmate, but Kathryn desperately wants to have a sister to be close to... which makes me nervous about how this might change with another baby girl coming into the picture...

[swellmomma]

I dunno, I have 2 that are very close in age (less than 11 months) and then spaced the rest 4 years apart, both spacings have pros and cons. I think if I had more I would opt for a 2 yr age span, because schooling would be easier on me, but that's about it.

[rafiki]

.

[Rosie_0801]

I honestly think it is personality more than spacing. With my children, my oldest and younest are most similar. They are 7.5 years apart. In the middle is my daughter who is not like the other two at all. She isn't close to the other two as well. She usually gets along okay with the other two but not close.

 

:iagree: It's the same between my siblings and I these days. Naturally it fluctuates over the years. There were always times when two would be getting along better and one would be left out. It's mostly to do with personality, and a bit to do with what life stages everyone is in. Being a year or two years apart doesn't necesssarily put two people in the same life stage and stage A may be more compatible with stage G than B. I think that's why it is often the case that kids will get along less with the sibling closest in age than with another sibling who is a good few years younger or older.

 

Rosie- thinking OP's friend is either having good luck, or is going to get a surprise later on.

[Bee]

My sister and I are 11 months apart.We fought like cats and dogs growing up and we don't even speak to each other today.There were other things that affected our relationship far more than our age difference (or lack of it).My brother and I are a year apart.We were not close growing up but we are more now.

[lynn]

I was very different and never real close to my siblings growing up. Now my younger sister and I are very close we are 18months apart and my oldest sister and I are closer than we were years ago and she is 4 years older.

 

There is no magic number of years as to what makes siblings have a close relationship. Personality, life style choices, major life events(birth,death,life struggles etc.) and many other things can change people over the years.

[Peela]

I doubt it has anything to do with the relationship between the children which is more personality based. My two are only 17 months apart, as are my brother and I- and I like it because as a parent it is easier- the older they get, the less the age difference matters. They were out of diapers within a couple of years of each other...they share some friends- as homeschoolers we can go to the same events for similar age groups. Dh in particular wanted them close together, and I must admit I am very glad and was from the beginning.

But in terms of their relationship? I am not sure. They are not what you would call best friends, but they are good friends at times and just tolerate each other other times! They are extremely different in personality- the older is easy going, the younger highly emotional.

I remember when I was hanging out in attachment parenting circles, the ideal was to make sure there as a spacing of 4 years or so, (which was supposed to happen naturally if you long term breastfed but never worked for me!) so that each child had a LOT of one on one time with the parents before the next child came along. Such ideals seem rather contrived to me- life is so much bigger than our plans, and it has its own way of making things happen.

[laughing lioness]

My 2 sisters and I are 36 months apart from oldest to youngest. We are not close and since my mom's passed away talk maybe once a year. Our kids might not even know each other if they met on the street.

My 5 kids are 16 years apart oldest to youngest and are very close. I think it has more to do with the culture of the family.

[5sweeties]

My 5 children are only 7 years apart, oldest to youngest. They have a wonderful relationship that tends to get better and better. I can only hope and pray that this will continue throughout their lives. I can truly say that they are eachother's best friends. They have been in public school, and homeschooled, and this fact remained the same. When they were in public school, they had many other friends, but those friends were mutual friends, and they were together all the time. They loved meeting up at recess. Maybe this has a lot to do with the fact that the oldest 4 are all girls...and that my little boy is only 11.5 months younger than his sister. My two youngest, are really like twins, and although the love to bug eachother...they are both fiercely protective of the other, and play together beautifully and love eachother endlessly. All of my children complete eachother's sentences, take care of and watch over eachother, and are best buddies. I've seen little to no "rivalry." They compete with other kids, most definatly, but not with eachother. I would never, never, never, in a million years, go back and space them out more. They have this awesome chance to grow up together. They "get" eachother, and share everything. Personally, I think it is best to have them close together, but, on the other side, I've always ached to have a sister. I've always missed that experience so much, and there is no way in the world I would have cared if she was a year different from my age, or 20 years. Seriously. I think having sibblings is the best blessing of all, no matter when they happen to come along!!

[kewb]

I think having them close in age can increase the odds of them being friends but it would not be my sole reason for having children. My sister and I are 3.5 years apart and we are not friends. Growing up we had as little to do with one another as possible. Same for my dh and his sister-they are 4 years apart. We had our kids 2 years apart in the hopes that they would grow up and be friends and also because at one point we thought we wanted more than 2 kids and I was already in my 30's when we started our family.

 

I think personality and life experiences are big factors in forming friendships with siblings. Along with a whole host of other things.

[Jen in PA]

I'm the oldest, with sisters ranging from 17 months younger, to 13 1/2 years younger. And due to divorce and remarriage, we were raised in two households. Now that we are all adults the two I'm closest to are the one just 17 months younger than me, and the one 11 years younger and raised in a different home.... So I would have to say that factors such as personality and common interests have more influence on how close siblings end up.

 

That being said, I really wanted my kids to be spaced closely, and they are 23 months apart, which seems to work out perfectly here. They have a big brother, my stepson, who is several years older than both of them, but even that relationship seems to benefit all of the kids -- he spoils them with attention and love, and they adore their big brother.

[sunshine]

My children are 17, 9 and 6. That is a spacing of 8 yrs between ds and dd1 and 12 between ds and dd2.

dds are 3 yrs apart.

 

I told my kids that they are best friends. All of them. And because I am the boss they believe me. They bicker and snuggle and play (tonight at scouts my 17 yr old with 3 of his best friends ages 16 to 19) spent 1 hour playing with my 9 and 6 yr old, and my friends 3 and 5 yr old. They played chase, twirl the littles, horsey and even the 17 and 19 yr old were giving piggy rides to littles and each other). And were having a grand time!!

 

I require my kids to all play, work and do school together. Ask them who their best friends are they list each other then their favorite non family friends.

 

It is all in the brainwashing. by the way, they play together voluntarily and constantly.

[alpidarkomama]

My kids are 5, 3, 2, and 1 and they have a GREAT TIME rolling around together. Not much fighting or anything. The 5-year-old just adores her 1-year-old brother.

 

I've enjoyed having them so close together. Compact chaos. The only sad part is thinking of them all leaving the house at nearly the same time! :( Years away, thank goodness.

[amy g.]

I completely agree with Sunshine about telling the kids that they are best friends.

 

My sister really resented my being born. My existence made her unhappy for many many years.

 

It wasn't until I got pregnant with my second that I realized how much of that my mom created. Right away, she started in on how unfair it was to to my oldest that I was having another baby.

 

I told my oldest how happy she was going to be with the new baby, and she BELIEVED me.

 

I get a kick out of how my sister tells all of her pregnant friends about the crazy way I prevented sibling rivalry.

[torikei]

My kids are 5, 3, 2, and 1 and they have a GREAT TIME rolling around together. Not much fighting or anything. The 5-year-old just adores her 1-year-old brother.

 

I've enjoyed having them so close together. Compact chaos. The only sad part is thinking of them all leaving the house at nearly the same time! :( Years away, thank goodness.

 

 

I have 2 ten year olds, 2 almost nine year olds, a 5 year old and a 4 year old. Compact Chaos is a perfect way to describe it. The older 4 have this fascinating pack mentality which is rather unique. The relationships are all good, but the boy/boy relationships fight more than the boy/girl relationships. The younger two kind of yoyo back and forth between the pack and their own little agenda.

 

I like having my children close in age--they like the same things for the most part. This make planning fun activities pretty easy. They tend to rotate through the same stages--I definitely tend to have it figured out by the time #3 or so goes through the stage. :001_smile: I do know this would drive some nuts---everytime I go out I'm told--"Boy do you have your hands full!" I don't hear this just once or twice, but usually in the double digit range. :tongue_smilie:

 

I do think homeschooling has facilitated our closeness. I'm amazed at the kids that look longingly at our pack--not just with curiosity, but with a lonely sad air. I think a lot of kids in this day and age crave relationships. Instead we give them video games and television sets. Guess I'm getting sidetracked.

 

Tori