hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Hi We've received the horrible news that my father in law has only days to live. It is likely that my mother in law will move in with us (we plan to sell both houses and move to a new house to better accommodate the new situation). If you have done inter-generational living, what does that look like? What are ways we can help her to be as comfortable as possible? We currently live next door to each other, so we spend a fair amount of time together already...but we are trying to be prepared. Thanks 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 I'm so sorry about your father-in-law. We, personally, haven't done it. But my mom lives with my sibling and family. They have a part of the house that was easily converted into an apartment for my mom (one bedroom, bathroom off the bedroom, living/dining area, kitchenette, and a half-bath off the living/dining area). So she has her own independent space, which is very important to her, and she brought some of her own furniture/decor items. She did not want to "interfere" with their family life or privacy. She paid for converting the bathtub to a walk-in shower, and for a stair chair. It seems to work very well for them. She insists on paying rent to them since she no longer has any other housing expenses. My sibling or my daughter (who lives nearby) take her to her appointments and pick up her groceries. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 I was originally thinking of getting a house with an in-law apartment for her, but she has some confusion (not a ton) and we are thinking she will be very lonely. It's all still TBD I guess...just trying to get a sense of what it will look like. Thank you for sharing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Just now, hippiemamato3 said: I was originally thinking of getting a house with an in-law apartment for her, but she has some confusion (not a ton) and we are thinking she will be very lonely. It's all still TBD I guess...just trying to get a sense of what it will look like. Thank you for sharing! Yes, my mom is 90, but is still pretty on top of things and able to manage. I think she does get lonely, as my sibling's family life is pretty busy, but after my father died, she lived alone for about nine years, so we are glad she finally agreed to move closer to remaining family members. Maybe some kind of combo situation could work (if affordable), where she has a bedroom and sitting room if she wants the privacy (or just a large bedroom with a little sitting area), but shares meals and main living with you all. If my mom lived with us, despite her desires to not "interfere" with our family life, I'm pretty sure she would be folded in more to our lives than she is now. But we live too far away from the rest of the family for her to be willing to move here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, Jaybee said: Yes, my mom is 90, but is still pretty on top of things and able to manage. I think she does get lonely, as my sibling's family life is pretty busy, but after my father died, she lived alone for about nine years, so we are glad she finally agreed to move closer to remaining family members. Maybe some kind of combo situation could work (if affordable), where she has a bedroom and sitting room if she wants the privacy (or just a large bedroom with a little sitting area), but shares meals and main living with you all. If my mom lived with us, despite her desires to not "interfere" with our family life, I'm pretty sure she would be folded in more to our lives than she is now. But we live too far away from the rest of the family for her to be willing to move here. That's what we are thinking - we'd like her to have her own bedroom/bathroom and a living room type situation. I stay home (one kiddo still at home full time) and DH works from home, so we're around enough that I don't think she will be lonely. But I do want her to feel she has her own space. It's a little tricky. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 I am so sorry. We are doing it right now. In Feb 2019, we bought a house with the intention of my parents moving in with us. It was mainly so they could downsize but there could still be a large house for hosting our large family (they have over 20 grandchildren and all but 2 live close.) My parents have been living with us since April 2019. It was an adjustment for sure and there was a lot of trial and error but we are loving it. Things to consider? Does she want a separate kitchen even if it is just a small kitchenette area. My dad was dead set against it and wanted us to share a kitchen. For our situation it has worked wonderfully. He cooks dinner twice a week for everyone, we always make enough food for them at breakfast and dinner for them to join us if they choose (sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.) How much privacy will she want? Her own bathroom, bedroom, separate living area or can it be like a studio apartment with combined bedroom and living space? Does she want a separate entrance from the outside to her area? What areas of the house will be shared space? For my family, my parents have a large room with attached bathroom. Enough space for a bedroom area and living room area but they aren't separated by a wall. They have full access to the first floor for whatever they want; hosting friends, storing books, leisure time, etc. The second floor is strictly my family's private space. The only time my mom goes up there is if she is watching the kids or hanging out with them and they want to play up in their rooms. She doesn't go into my bedroom ever. Will she pay rent? If so, how much? My parents pay a set amount per month. We use that to go toward utilities and mortgage. It is significantly less than their mortgage was but enough to be worth it for us to purchase a larger house than we needed for ourselves. If you have any specific questions please let me know. I'm happy to answer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 The people I've know who did it successfully, had separate sitting areas. Grandma/pa was free to join the rest of the family, but had a private/not-used by family sitting area and their own bathroom. I only know one that grandma had a separate full kitchen. (but many offered at least a mini-fridge and microwave for snacks.) Meals were with the family, or in their own quarters if their health didn't permit free mobility. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 We have done it for a period of months a few times. If I had to do it again full-time, I would get side by side duplexes and put a door inside between the units. For my mental health, I need my own space that isn’t shared space. Relative needs it too. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 My Dad is here with us. We are of course in crisis mode....but long term, I just don’t know. I think we need our own spaces......if it ever comes to that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 We are doing it right now. My father-in-law has fairly advanced dementia--the way things worked in the spring is definitely not the way things work now. In the spring he came to stay for a while and slept in our smallest bedroom upstairs. After a summer with his daughter, he is now with us permanently. Because of fil's dementia and physical frailty, we knew it would be a matter of time before going up and down stairs wouldn't really work. We also worried about having him in the bedroom closest to the stairs. When we knew he would come to us more permanently, we put up a wall to enclose our game room. It was originally a second living room, but we put a ping-pong table in there--that gives you an idea of the size. There is a beautiful bay window in that room. We brought over his living room furniture, including the pictures that went on the wall, and we also brought his bed, armoire, and nightstand. The living room area of his room takes up 2/3 of the room and faces the bay window. There is a bird feeder right outside his window that he loves to watch. The bed is tucked in the far corner of the room, facing the armoire. He seems to like dealing with the familiar armoire. We also have a bedside commode in the room, which we are so thankful for! It was not long before it was apparent that fil absolutely could not manage walking to the bathroom in the night. We change the bag in the morning and air the room while he eats breakfast so it doesn't get icky in there. This seemed both easier and cheaper than putting in a bathroom, especially since we want to convert the room back to a game room down the road. If dementia were not an issue or if we thought he would be with us longer, then a full bathroom would be nice to have. There is a power recliner in our living room for him. He has always joined us for all meals, and he is free to migrate anywhere in the house he wants to be. He appreciates being able to have some privacy sometimes in his room, but he mostly hangs out with us in the kitchen or living room. He's easy, gentle, and very sweet, so this works well. Some people I knew had an aging mom/grandma living with them for a couple years. While she did degenerate into dementia, when she started with them she was still working and mostly functioning. In her case, she had a three-room apartment with a full bath (living room, kitchen/dining area, bedroom). There were two doors connecting her apartment to the main house, and she had her own entrance on the outside. Her kitchenette was enclosed behind folding doors. In her case, if the parents wanted her help with their kids, they asked her to come into the main house. Otherwise, she was expected to hang out in her apartment. I felt it was awkwardly restrictive, yet I also knew that she would definitely be with the family absolutely constantly if they did not set boundaries. (They were all kind of dysfunctional.) Once her dementia set in, it was harder and harder to manage. She would have done better with less space (less to mess with in her confusion) and more supervision. Eventually she transitioned to a nursing home. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 I'm sorry about your father-in-law. Holding you all in the light. As for the living situation - in every case I've known where it worked smoothly, the parent/grandparent had a different apartment space that was partially divided somehow to give everyone their own space, just in the same overall home. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 22 minutes ago, Farrar said: I'm sorry about your father-in-law. Holding you all in the light. As for the living situation - in every case I've known where it worked smoothly, the parent/grandparent had a different apartment space that was partially divided somehow to give everyone their own space, just in the same overall home. This does seem important in our situation. My parents living area is on the first floor down an l shaped hallway from the entry. Above them is the bedroom dh is currently working in but otherwise is a guest bedroom. We didn't want them to have to deal with the kids directly above them, although someday when the kids are in their teen years someone will have to be in that room. Our main living room is on the complete opposite side of the house so my parents can't hear the majority of the kid noise if they are in their room. Our homeschool/ quiet room close to their room. We keep the noise level in that room low so we don't disturb them. It works really well 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Hugs to your family. My family did this twice while I was growing up. My great-aunt lived with us for about three years. And then about three years after she died, my grandmother moved in with us (in a different house -- we moved in between). With my great-aunt -- my parents converted our garage into an apartment with a bedroom, living room, and 1/2 bath. The half-bath was really too small, but it's the best we could do. And my aunt's health was such that she had home health come and sponge bathe her, so she didn't need a tub/shower. She joined us for all meals, but mostly stayed in her apartment. I do remember that she would sometimes spend the evening in the living room with us. We really didn't know her well before she moved in, but we found out that she was a whiz a state capitals. You could ask her any state (other than Hawaii and Alaska -- they weren't states when she was in school) and she would tell you the capital in a split second. With my grandmother -- my parents paid a contractor (with Grandma's money) to convert our garage into an apartment with a bedroom, living room, full bath, kitchenette, and a laundry closet. My grandma didn't join us for meals. And she very rarely came into our part of the house. But we were welcome to go to her apartment pretty much whenever we wanted -- she always seemed glad to see us. Usually it would just be one kid at a time. She loved watching baseball and so I often would join her in watching the game. Also, the easiest path to the (new) garage was through her apartment, so that is usually the way that we would come and go. So even if we didn't stay long, she saw us almost every day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 24 minutes ago, hjffkj said: This does seem important in our situation. My parents living area is on the first floor down an l shaped hallway from the entry. Above them is the bedroom dh is currently working in but otherwise is a guest bedroom. We didn't want them to have to deal with the kids directly above them, although someday when the kids are in their teen years someone will have to be in that room. Our main living room is on the complete opposite side of the house so my parents can't hear the majority of the kid noise if they are in their room. Our homeschool/ quiet room close to their room. We keep the noise level in that room low so we don't disturb them. It works really well I hadn't thought about this until I read your post, but this was never an issue with us because my grandma was nearly deaf. I think that's why she kind of liked when only one person came at a time. She had a really hard time following conversations if there were several people in a room. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 7 minutes ago, Junie said: I hadn't thought about this until I read your post, but this was never an issue with us because my grandma was nearly deaf. I think that's why she kind of liked when only one person came at a time. She had a really hard time following conversations if there were several people in a room. My dad wouldn't mind the noise at all. He can somehow tune out any and all kid noise. But my mom certainly needs time away from the kids where she can decompress and not hear them. She actually does spend a lot of time in the main living spaces hanging out with the kids and me. It is nice. If she couldn't retreat to a quiet room when she needed it she likely wouldn't spend as much time with us. My parents are in their early 70s and still have great hearing. The funny thing is we didn't actually think about the noise level until we moved in and dh and I were deciding which room we want for our own. I quickly declared 'the one on the complete opposite side of the house from my parents.' I didn't want to hear them just as much as I didn't want them to hear us, if you get what I mean, ha. That was the thought that then got me to realize we should arrange it so their side of the house was the quiet side. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) The mistake I made was not really thinking enough about my mum's personality and how it affected me. It turned out that I couldn't relax with her living with me full time. All her life she had spent most of her time in the kitchen, so she continued to do that. A separate apartment and lots of visiting between the two spaces would have worked better. Edited October 28, 2020 by Laura Corin 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 Lots to think about. I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed, and I wish we had more time. We always think we have more time. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 When my in-laws lived with FIL's parents (mostly to help with grandpa who had Alzheimers), the eventually split the hallway with a door for more privacy. Now, Grandma-in-law was difficult and my MIL needed it for her mental health. They had a kitchenette and 3 rooms. When we lived with MIL for a few months, she made sure we had our own living room. And then there was a family room/kitchen we all shared. We ate together (I cooked) and could hang out together, but it really helped to have our own living room which we could retreat to to get some space. I think communication is key. It's hard to make sure you are welcoming, yet have enough privacy. Once we stayed with a family we hadn't known prior or a month. We would hang out upstairs in common area until after dinner, then we'd go down to our living room area. It helped that I made this an absolute boundary that they could count on--they had their living space for the evening and didn't have to worry about entertaining us (unless they asked us to join them for a show.) So, if you are concerned about space, maybe you can set some of those boundaries like PPs have (with rooms that are private or times of the day that are private.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 My daughter (11) is thrilled with the idea. My son (18 this coming Sunday) is also happy, but we had planned to buy a house with a little apartment for him, and now I feel like we're looking for a unicorn of a house to accommodate everyone. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Sorry about your father-in-law. We moved in with my in-laws about 10 years ago for financial reasons on both ends. It has mostly worked out well. The most helpful thing we did before we moved in was to finish the basement and create a rec room and an office for our use. If I didn't have the rooms down here I would probably lose my mind. When my father-in-law was alive he had the TV on all day very loudly. I prefer quiet. They watch Hallmark movies all the time and we like sci fi and thrillers, etc. I get along very well with my mother-in-law, but we are completely different personalities. I am not a good social outlet for her, nor she for me. Normally this is ok, but during the pandemic it has caused some issues. We don't allow anyone in the house to protect her and us, so she visits outside on the deck. We've been coming into conflict trying to keep us all safe from the people around us who are not safe, and we have even made a backup plan to move out if we have to. It's hard when the rest of the family isn't on the same page. That can become an issue in the future regarding medical decisions, etc., not just trying to stay safe during a pandemic. I don't know how many other family members there are, but that has a potential to cause issues. If this is a permanent thing, keep in mind future care. My mother-in-law had been in a wheelchair when her knee blew up on her, and in the beginning when she could do less for herself it was physically hard on me. I'm the only female in the house so I was helping her with dressing, using the bathroom, etc. I'm very worried for how it will be after her knee surgery in February. She will never go to a nursing home, so the future scares me. I have MS so this is a major concern for me. I hadn't been diagnosed when we moved in and it probably would have factored into the decision if I had been. Overall I would say the good far outshines the bad. The feelings in the house at the moment are kind of negative, but we lost my father-in-law to the virus, a neighbor is staying with us since March and trying our patience, family members that don't live with us and aren't careful are pushing against us, and it's just an awful year in general. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, dsmith said: Sorry about your father-in-law. We moved in with my in-laws about 10 years ago for financial reasons on both ends. It has mostly worked out well. The most helpful thing we did before we moved in was to finish the basement and create a rec room and an office for our use. If I didn't have the rooms down here I would probably lose my mind. When my father-in-law was alive he had the TV on all day very loudly. I prefer quiet. They watch Hallmark movies all the time and we like sci fi and thrillers, etc. I get along very well with my mother-in-law, but we are completely different personalities. I am not a good social outlet for her, nor she for me. Normally this is ok, but during the pandemic it has caused some issues. We don't allow anyone in the house to protect her and us, so she visits outside on the deck. We've been coming into conflict trying to keep us all safe from the people around us who are not safe, and we have even made a backup plan to move out if we have to. It's hard when the rest of the family isn't on the same page. That can become an issue in the future regarding medical decisions, etc., not just trying to stay safe during a pandemic. I don't know how many other family members there are, but that has a potential to cause issues. If this is a permanent thing, keep in mind future care. My mother-in-law had been in a wheelchair when her knee blew up on her, and in the beginning when she could do less for herself it was physically hard on me. I'm the only female in the house so I was helping her with dressing, using the bathroom, etc. I'm very worried for how it will be after her knee surgery in February. She will never go to a nursing home, so the future scares me. I have MS so this is a major concern for me. I hadn't been diagnosed when we moved in and it probably would have factored into the decision if I had been. Overall I would say the good far outshines the bad. The feelings in the house at the moment are kind of negative, but we lost my father-in-law to the virus, a neighbor is staying with us since March and trying our patience, family members that don't live with us and aren't careful are pushing against us, and it's just an awful year in general. It has been a hard year for so many people. I hope things improve soon - for you, and all of us. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 1 hour ago, hippiemamato3 said: My daughter (11) is thrilled with the idea. My son (18 this coming Sunday) is also happy, but we had planned to buy a house with a little apartment for him, and now I feel like we're looking for a unicorn of a house to accommodate everyone. This is how I felt when were looking in 2019. It took awhile but we found the house that fit our needs perfectly. We had to increase our house price by $20,000 and cross state lines but it is perfect for everyone's needs. Plus, our property literally touches the state we were living in so we didn't go far from where our entire lives are at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 1 minute ago, hjffkj said: This is how I felt when were looking in 2019. It took awhile but we found the house that fit our needs perfectly. We had to increase our house price by $20,000 and cross state lines but it is perfect for everyone's needs. Plus, our property literally touches the state we were living in so we didn't go far from where our entire lives are at all. I'm glad to hear you found what you need! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 No advice, just . Your in-laws are blessed to have you in their lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted October 29, 2020 Author Share Posted October 29, 2020 He passed away in the night. DH and his sister and mom were right with him. Thanks for all the kind thoughts. 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 Hugs to you and your family, @hippiemamato3. I'm glad he had family with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I pet-sat for a family last year. It was a mom, a dad, two older teen boys, and the grandma. They bought a five-bedroom home that had a large master on the first floor which they gave to the grandma. They also had a second, but smaller master on the second floor. They rehabbed that connected bathroom. It was small, but beautiful. What I noticed is that in the kitchen, the grandma had her flatware in one drawer. While the family's flatware was in another. My guess is that it was comforting and helpful to have immediate access to her kitchen items. I'm betting that one of the cupboards held her mugs and plates etc. Small, but I thought it was sweet. They also had a large refrigerator -- so that there was plenty of room for everyone's food. I hope this helps. Hugs to all of you. Wendy Edited October 29, 2020 by Alicia64 Can't spell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) On 10/27/2020 at 8:02 PM, hippiemamato3 said: Hi We've received the horrible news that my father in law has only days to live. It is likely that my mother in law will move in with us (we plan to sell both houses and move to a new house to better accommodate the new situation). If you have done inter-generational living, what does that look like? What are ways we can help her to be as comfortable as possible? We currently live next door to each other, so we spend a fair amount of time together already...but we are trying to be prepared. Thanks Get one with the "next gen" apartment or some sort of space to make her own apartment so you all do not have to spend every moment together. I am very sorry about your FIL! Edited October 29, 2020 by Janeway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 29, 2020 Share Posted October 29, 2020 37 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said: He passed away in the night. DH and his sister and mom were right with him. Thanks for all the kind thoughts. I am so so sorry. Wow that happened fast. I bet your MIL is in shock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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