Moving to a drastically different place?

[Janeway]

We are back to this. My husband wants us to move back toward where we grew up. We don't really have relatives there anymore. Well, we do in the state, but not the general area. Issue is, we live in a major metropolitan area in the south where the sun is scorching for half the year.  He yearns for wide open spaces. I yearn to see the stars in the sky, as in, not just the brightest that can be seen through the lights of being in a city. I also would love to have fire flies. 

Problem is, I am thinking since it has been so long since either of us has lived there (about three decades) that it would be a huge culture shock for us, and the kids.  And I know my husband, he won't want to mess with moving again if we are miserable. The other idea we had previously was downsize our house as the older kids move out and get an RV and then maybe we could just spend part of the year in the country type areas.  Rvs cost a lot (we already researched it, even the cost of renting places to stay adds up, and storing when not using).

[lewelma]

We moved from Ohio to NZ 22 years ago for a two-year adventure, and never left. There was culture shock, and it lasted a full year.  But we adapted, and decided to make this place our home. 

[Laura Corin]

We moved from an Asian city to the Scottish countryside eleven years ago. No regrets.

[MEmama]

We’ve lived all over, but the one regret move we’ve made was from a large city in the Midwest to a tiny community in eastern Canada. I thought I knew all about how to handle culture shock, but that was too much. We left as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

DS was 5 when we moved there and 8 when we moved away. I’m not sure he’s entirely forgiven us for moving him away from his birth city. 
 

Adding, it’s okay to take risks. We’ve literally moved a dozen or so times and that was our only regret move. Staying where we were would have certainly been a regret, too, though. We followed a dream; that it didn’t turn out is just part of taking control of one's life, KWIM? If it doesn’t work out, something else will. We love where we live now, but we probably wouldn’t if we hadn’t had our previous experience to ease us in.

Edited May 16, 2020 by MEmama

[Bambam]

We moved from the 4th most populous city in the US to a very conservative small town in the same state. 
It's different. There are some big advantages (for us) and some disadvantages. So it really comes down to what you need for your family. 
If you need good, qualified, many specialty medical care, moving is not a good idea. We still drive 4 hours back to said populous city for a specialist - usually 2-3 times/year. That isn't a burden for us (kids are older, etc), but if it were many more times it would be a huge hassle.
If any of your kids are involved in competitive anything, you need to investigate that before moving. 

We lost several activities that we really enjoyed (carving teachers, excellent produce, ethnic restaurants (outside of Mexican & Chinese), grocery stores with a variety of international products, quality shows/plays/concerts, etc). However, my kids saw the same kids all the time (park day, classes, volunteer opportunities, etc), and there is a sense of community/caring here which was missing in our last location. But every place is different. And sometimes you go where the job is because survival is important. 

[PeachyDoodle]

Well, we literally live in the house I grew up in, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask. But I think it's perfectly fine -- great, even -- to try something new and see how you like it. We came very close to an out-of-state move two years ago when dh was laid off. Only an eleventh-hour job offer that he couldn't pass up stopped us.

However, you said that you think your husband will be reluctant to move again if some or all of you are unhappy once you're there. That to me is an issue. I would not agree to move without first having come to an understanding that it is probationary for a set period of time (say, two years, or whatever is comfortable for your family) and will be reconsidered at the end of that period. IOW, if you agree to try the move, he needs to be prepared potentially to move again in the relatively near future if you or the family are unhappy. And given how much I hate to move, I wouldn't agree even to that unless I thought that was a real chance that I could be happy there once I was settled. But once it was done, I'd definitely make up my mind to adjust and enjoy my life as much as possible.

[Lanny]

There can be a culture shock, moving from one U.S. state to another. Moving to another country would probably be much more of a shock. An RV would probably depreciate very rapidly and is subject to very expensive repairs. At this time, an RV would be inexpensive to travel in, with the very low fuel prices, but when the economy improves and fuel prices revert to normal, the RV would probably be parked most of the time. The one thing I did that I recommend to anyone considering moving, it to visit the other place, many times, at different times of the year, to see what it's like during Winter and during Summer.  Dry season and rainy season.  That worked well for me.   🙂

[Miss Tick]

It takes me at least 6 months after a move to feel comfortable in a place. Without little kids as an excuse, it can be hard to meet people. Especially in a small town where everybody has lived there forever and known each other forever, it can be hard to break in! It turns out the stars are only out at night (I'm not good about starting up late OR getting up early), and best guess seem to be when it is -20 degrees.

If that list of negativity doesn't deter you, move to the next level of planning! 😄

[Shoeless]

I would dig into how much of the urge to move is driven by nostalgia for how things were 30 years ago vs what the area currently offers. 

We made a nostalgia move to Texas, my husband's home state. He had been gone for 15 years and was really missing home. I can't say that living here has been terrible, but it definitely did not work out the way he dreamed it would.  It turned out that much of what he missed were experiences he had with people from his younger years.  The desire to move here wasn't about what the area currently offered, but how he felt when he remembered living here. 

It's worked out mostly ok, despite some quality-of-life issues not panning out the way we hoped.  In some ways I'm very relieved to be riding out a pandemic here than in our previous location (Cook county, Illinois), but when it's safe, we have plans to move out of Texas and head back to a northern state. 

 

[catz]

I think it is so easy to idealize somewhere you lived when you were much younger. It would be one thing to move for a career opportunity or to settle near family.  Or even if you were both very hung ho on a particular location.  I would be hesitant to jump on a move that is based solely on emotion with a spouse who would dig heels in once you got there if you were unsure.  I’d try and spend a week or so in the area and really get a sense of what that would be like.  I’d carefully weight what you’d lose or what your kids would lose.   I know many people who regretted particular moves when they didn’t research enough on the front end.   

Choosing to RV is a different decision.   My parents did that a number of years before selling their rv and getting a modest 2nd home somewhere.   I had mixed feelings after watching them do it.  It wasn’t as flexible as I would like.  For the cost, they certainly could have afforded other and more flexible travel.  

Edited May 17, 2020 by FuzzyCatz

[DawnM]

13 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

We moved from an Asian city to the Scottish countryside eleven years ago. No regrets.

 

11 years!  Wow, where has the time gone?

[Laura Corin]

54 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

11 years!  Wow, where has the time gone?

I know. The kids were 8 and 11. They are now almost 20 and 23! We've lived in this house for much the longest time; we hope to downsize locally when circs permit.

[Ottakee]

4 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I know. The kids were 8 and 11. They are now almost 20 and 23! We've lived in this house for much the longest time; we hope to downsize locally when circs permit.

I remember when you made that move 

[HS Mom in NC]

17 hours ago, Janeway said:

  And I know my husband, he won't want to mess with moving again if we are miserable.

This is why I wouldn't do it in your situation.  Being miserable long term is not worth gambling for a couple less months of summer, fireflies, and starry nights.

[LAS in LA]

One (sort of obvious) question to think about: do you want to run into people from your childhood? We moved back to the area where I spent high school and college years (and where my parents live). In some ways it's been great, but I don't like the feeling that at any time I may run into people I haven't seen in years, who know my parents and/or remember me from the past when I feel like a very different person from the girl whom they used to know.

[LucyStoner]

Where are you thinking of moving that you think would be a culture shock from where you are?  How much of a culture shock was it when you first moved there?  

[katilac]

Yeah, I think that nostalgia moves are almost always a bad idea. And this is a time of great stress for everyone, so I definitely would not be making any decisions in the near future. 

Has your dh done any of the practical research, like what the job market would look like and how it would differ? 

Has he spent substantial amounts of time in wide open spaces recently? Is it a regular choice for vacations? That's not the same as living there, but it's a start. And, if he doesn't choose to regularly vacation in the wide open spaces, I'd be a little 🙄 at the idea that they are a big part of why he wants to move. The romantic ideal of it is so different from reality.  

What are the opportunities for the kids, both now and in the future - going to college, getting jobs? Will you be able to establish residency before the next one heads off to college? Are you risking residency for any currently in college? If there's not much of a job future for most of them, are you okay with them moving far away? That can always happen, of course, but the odds increase when there are few jobs to be had at home. 

Would a camp/cabin within a couple of hours of your current home be a possibility for getting lots of space and fireflies? We have one two hours from home, and it's great to get away from it all, tramp through the woods and whatnot. But part of what makes it great is that I then return home to my metro noise and amenities, lol. I love it while I'm there but have zero desire to live in the country. 

I'd be researching the practical questions, and then gearing vacations and long weekends toward experience something similar to the area he has in mind. I'd be on forums like City Data. Well, I'd be doing those things if I were open to a move, which I would not be if I knew he wouldn't want to mess with moving again even if I were miserable. 

 

[LucyStoner]

For me, I would move for economic reasons, family or opportunities tied to our goals. Because of my background as a child (we moved a lot), I have a hard time imagining moving on a whim.  I also know a few people who have recently tried to move “home” after decades and it didn’t work out so well.  

We seriously considered a move for economic reasons but have felt tied to this place due to family and the logistical difficulties of moving two kids with special needs and having to find all new therapists and such.  

[BlsdMama]

We've moved a few times.  Once was for the Army - from rural Iowa to Ft. Irwin, CA - smack dab in the Mojave.  I hated the weather, hated the terrain, hated the lack of grass and trees, but genuinely love the friends I made.  We moved back to the Midwest when his four years were up.

Then we moved from rural Iowa again for a volunteered for job transfer to the PNW.  Loved Oregon, loved the landscape, loved being close enough to drive to the ocean on a weekend, loved having zoos and museums.  I hated the big heavy clouds half the year.  It was a great four years.  We moved back.  

It's funny.  Our kids get sympathy when they talk about moving, but I think it's mindset.  It's the adventure of it.  As a family, we loved it!  We're really plugged into our community now, our married daughter lives close by, and because of the health situation, we wouldn't move away from family again, but DH and I talk about it sometimes.  We wish we'd done a few years on the East coast.  We'd go back to Oregon if we could do it one year at a time. 😉 

We loved the moving AND the moving back.  I think one thing you really need to evaluate is this:  Wherever you move, the people there are currently comfortable.  They have their circles, their routines, their families and friends.  Are you comfortable making the effort to become a part of their community and plug in?  I find that is sometimes the difference between loving a place and not so much.  (Unless it's those clouds.  I love my Oregon peeps, but I was at my limit with four years of Oregon rainy season.)

[Mary in VA]

I haven't read all the replies. But I'd recommend renting an RV and take some trial trips before you actually buy one.