"Fat is not a moral quantity"

[Tanaqui]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I would feel terrible if I lost 50 lbs and no one noticed.  

What would be the right thing to say?  

 

Nothing. Say nothing.

In addition to what others have said, you would also feel terrible complimenting somebody on their weight loss and then finding out that they're struggling with an eating disorder*, cancer, or some other condition that has caused them to lose weight.

If you do feel the need to say something to fill in the space, say that you're glad to see them, that their outfit looks really good, or that they seem to be in a good mood.

* You can, of course, have all the symptoms of an eating disorder without losing a significant amount of weight.

[Tanaqui]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

You think a person who notices a 50 pound weight loss is fixated on weight? 

 

That is NOT what she said.

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

You think a person who notices a 50 pound weight loss is fixated on weight? 

I think the people who repeatedly look at my gut every time I see them are fixated on weight. These are the same people who oh-so-casually drop weight loss tips and exercise recommendations which they don’t share with slim friends as if I don’t know these amazing tips. Since I have never met you, I have no idea what you’re like. Other than your repeated insistence that weight loss is as simple as “calories in, calories out “, of course. 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think the people who repeatedly look at my gut every time I see them are fixated on weight. These are the same people who oh-so-casually drop weight loss tips and exercise recommendations which they don’t share with slim friends as if I don’t know these amazing tips. Since I have never met you, I have no idea what you’re like. Other than your repeated insistence that weight loss is as simple as “calories in, calories out “, of course. 

My question was do you think a person who notices a 50 lb weight loss is fixated on weight.  

 

[Tanaqui]

She didn't say that, though. She said that a person who is (already known to be) fixated on weight commenting on her weight definitely means it in a bad way, with the implied subtext.

At no point did she say that simply noticing and having the bad manners to make unsolicited comments means you are inherently fixated.

She then answered your question by explaining how she knows that those specific people were fixated on weight.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Jean in Newcastle]

Btw- I was just reading some articles today about two new strains of beneficial gut bacteria which are present in thin people but not in obese people. I find this especially pertinent since I was on antibiotics six months straight one year and seven months straight the next. I doubt that my gut biome is helping me despite being on very high levels of prescription probiotics during and after treatment. Interestingly, one diabetic drug (metformin) has been shown to somewhat change gut flora for the better but there is still a lot that researchers don’t know yet. 

[Tanaqui]

Which articles were those?

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

She didn't say that, though. She said that a person who is (already known to be) fixated on weight commenting on her weight definitely means it in a bad way, with the implied subtext.

At no point did she say that simply noticing and having the bad manners to make unsolicited comments means you are inherently fixated.

She then answered your question by explaining how she knows that those specific people were fixated on weight.

I asked the question.  And no, she didn't answer it.

[Tanaqui]

Yes, I know you asked the question. Your question was based on a misunderstanding of what she said. She answered it by explaining the little signs which indicate that somebody is fixated on other people's weight - things like giving unsolicited weight loss tips to heavier "friends" and staring at her (large, I guess?) stomach every time they see her.

She also upvoted me, twice, when I said that I thought you had misread her comment. All this would seem to indicate that Jean does not think that merely noticing and mentioning a 50 lb weight loss indicates that you are fixated on weight. Therefore, your question "What makes you think that noticing this means that?" is invalid, because nobody on this thread actually said "I think anybody who notices a 50 lb change in weight must therefore be fixated on weight", nor anything that means the same as that.

I can keep on explaining this to you, but none of us can understand it for you. You've got to put in a little bit of the effort here.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Jean in Newcastle]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I asked the question.  And no, she didn't answer it.

How can I answer it?  My answer is dependent on actually knowing someone in real life. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Yes, I know you asked the question. Your question was based on a misunderstanding of what she said. She answered it by explaining the little signs which indicate that somebody is fixated on other people's weight - things like giving unsolicited weight loss tips to heavier "friends" and staring at her (large, I guess?) stomach every time they see her.

She also upvoted me, twice, when I said that I thought you had misread her comment. All this would seem to indicate that Jean does not think that merely noticing and mentioning a 50 lb weight loss indicates that you are fixated on weight.

I can keep on explaining this to you, but none of us can understand it for you. You've got to put in a little bit of the effort here.

Wow.  You are not being very nice.  

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think the people who repeatedly look at my gut every time I see them are fixated on weight. These are the same people who oh-so-casually drop weight loss tips and exercise recommendations which they don’t share with slim friends as if I don’t know these amazing tips. Since I have never met you, I have no idea what you’re like. Other than your repeated insistence that weight loss is as simple as “calories in, calories out “, of course. 

You have a good memory. I haven’t mentioned calories in calories out for a very long time on this board.  There is a very loud voice on this board that makes it very clear that concept is not to be tolerated.  

[Tanaqui]

No, Scarlett, I guess I'm not. To be honest, literally nobody in my life has ever accused me of being "nice", with or without the word "very", so that's about par for the course. Do you at least understand what I was saying, even if you don't like how I said it?

[Jean in Newcastle]

17 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Which articles were those?

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/08/inflammations-immune-system-obesity-microbiome/595384/?utm_source=pocket-newtab

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41591-019-0495-2.epdf?referrer_access_token=2xH9psoWLjIVOYdoDoAv1tRgN0jAjWel9jnR3ZoTv0NmzIMzv7zU8C245ae1cYIdkLOK4xJYjgOaIBsFYFzl0Zywdc_opOLdnGm3hbQvvqGjuWEj8K9-fmaPxKemiDZnKOKHfi_h4BzNB77vufWMZ28tjse-Kj4Jut0TwoBOgFQdS7_FT96Ch2moR098JKbZXGnUn4PiPkPOhAqCWZ5eMhsty5N4vZzGCDfOJVxugLVx_frgQtGZ0B5oSUopZbrxtefc6sHCWsC6nFT5m5hdUS5iBWgCj2-WQyiZqfUZyhfNZ4AvztyvBHw1CGw7Sbz0gTfs8Bp_4kT74Ih4slI74A%3D%3D&tracking_referrer=www.theatlantic.com

https://science.sciencemag.org/content/365/6451/eaat9351

[Tanaqui]

Speaking of calories, has anybody seen this? I don't have enough background to evaluate the claims.

 

Edit: Thanks Jean. I've seen the first one, but I skimmed it.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Pawz4me]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I would feel terrible if I lost 50 lbs and no one noticed.  

What would be the right thing to say?  

I think it's best to say nothing at all specific. Perhaps something very general like "You look great" but even that is very iffy.

When I was losing weight (I lost at least 64 pounds, I don't know my exact starting weight) I got LOTS of compliments and they didn't bother me. I'm an introvert, so I didn't enjoy the attention at all, but I didn't perceive it as really any different from any other personal attention. I didn't take the compliments as "but you looked like a hippo before." That never really occurred to me except far in hindsight. But the longer it went on the more I realized that yes, apparently some people are extremely fixated on others' weight. I'm definitely not one of those people, and it was a true revelation to me. In the thirty years since then I've continued to be astounded at the degree to which people care about others' weight or other aspects of their appearance. I've decided I'm simply not a very visual person. Or maybe it's because I'm an introvert--I'm more inward than outward focused. But as I got sucked up into an eating disorder I realized that everyone who complimented me on my weight loss would also be noticing if I gained any back. It was a very uncomfortable feeling, and it was a hindrance in recovering from the disordered eating patterns. Keep in mind that was back in the late 1980's/early 1990's--way before people were so obsessed with photographing themselves multiple times a day. I think our obsession with appearance has gotten exponentially worse since then.

(Caveat: The only good thing that came out of the realization that so many people are fixated on appearance is that it did make me a bit more cognizant of it in one good way--as the kids came along and as my parents and in laws aged I made much more of an effort to notice their looks as a barometer of their health--were they looking tired, worried, etc.)

[Kassia]

38 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

But as I got sucked up into an eating disorder I realized that everyone who complimented me on my weight loss would also be noticing if I gained any back. It was a very uncomfortable feeling, and it was a hindrance in recovering from the disordered eating patterns.

 

This is a HUGE struggle for me.  I don't know why I care so much but the thought that other people are going to be noticing any weight gain terrifies me.  

[moonflower]

There are many behaviors that are personally or societally detrimental that we view as at least partially not the fault of the person doing them: drug addiction, pedophilia, clinical Narcissism, etc.  We still stigmatise the behavior, though, because doing the thing is, in varying degrees depending on the behavior itself, detrimental to society or to one's family or to oneself, or all of the above.  

That doesn't mean we don't have some sympathy for people who are inclined to do selfish or harmful things, or that we shouldn't try to help them change their behavior instead of just stigmatising or punishing the result of it, but it also doesn't mean we stop seeing disruptive behavior as morally wrong.  

[shawthorne44]

I don't comment on weight-loss because I had the exact same experience as you.   There had been some pointed comments from 'friends'.   e.g.  "You look soooooo much better now".   

I had also noticed the moral aspect in a different setting.  Several years ago, I'd exchanged a few emails with the Crusades expert, I forget his name.   Professor at Trinity.   Back when History channel had history shows, he was their go-to expert on the crusades.   In one of his books/lectures there was a passing reference to skinny = moral.  I think it was in regards to nuns and monks.  I asked him about that because it didn't make any sense to me.  He used the analogy of now days someone having a 'small carbon footprint' as being morally superior.    I don't buy it, because I think that is a matter of different viewpoints.  

[shawthorne44]

10 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Btw- I was just reading some articles today about two new strains of beneficial gut bacteria which are present in thin people but not in obese people. I find this especially pertinent since I was on antibiotics six months straight one year and seven months straight the next. I doubt that my gut biome is helping me despite being on very high levels of prescription probiotics during and after treatment. Interestingly, one diabetic drug (metformin) has been shown to somewhat change gut flora for the better but there is still a lot that researchers don’t know yet. 

There is a disorder (I forget the name) that people used to die of quickly.  Eventually they figured out that the gut flora was just gone.   The fix was to take the poop of a close family member, desiccate it and put some in capsules.  There was one woman that gained 60 pounds after being treated that way with the poop of her very overweight daughter.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, moonflower said:

There are many behaviors that are personally or societally detrimental that we view as at least partially not the fault of the person doing them: drug addiction, pedophilia, clinical Narcissism, etc.  We still stigmatise the behavior, though, because doing the thing is, in varying degrees depending on the behavior itself, detrimental to society or to one's family or to oneself, or all of the above.  

That doesn't mean we don't have some sympathy for people who are inclined to do selfish or harmful things, or that we shouldn't try to help them change their behavior instead of just stigmatising or punishing the result of it, but it also doesn't mean we stop seeing disruptive behavior as morally wrong.  

This is extremely simplistic and rather offensive. People are overweight for a variety of reasons, and often not just one reason alone. To tease out one possible reason- a thyroid disorder, for example, has ZERO to do with being selfish or otherwise being morally wrong. 

[Carol in Cal.]

11 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Speaking of calories, has anybody seen this? I don't have enough background to evaluate the claims.

 

Edit: Thanks Jean. I've seen the first one, but I skimmed it.

Wow, that is one of those paradigm shifts that looks like a blinding glimpse of the obvious once you see it.

Glad you posted this.

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Wow, that is one of those paradigm shifts that looks like a blinding glimpse of the obvious once you see it.

Glad you posted this.

It was a good article.  Basically not all calories are created equally, not all foods have calories calculated accurately and the the foods that are best for us are probably lower calorie than we thought.  

[Carol in Cal.]

27 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It was a good article.  Basically not all calories are created equally, not all foods have calories calculated accurately and the the foods that are best for us are probably lower calorie than we thought.  

The key is that it talks about calorie absorption and also about the energy expended in calorie absorption.  

This is similar to the glycemic index issue in diabetes management.  It came late to the party as a way of thought, but changed everything very quickly.

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The key is that it talks about calorie absorption and also about the energy expended in calorie absorption.  

This is similar to the glycemic index issue in diabetes management.  It came late to the party as a way of thought, but changed everything very quickly.

What did it change?

[Carol in Cal.]

20 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

What did it change?

It made type 2 diabetics manage the *rate* at which carbs would enter their bloodstreams rather than just the amount.

It’s kind of like the difference between thermodynamics and kinetics in chemical engineering.  You have to understand both to be able to do a good job.

[BeachGal]

The article that Tanaqui linked is saying that an individual human’s body is nothing like the device — the bomb calorimeter — that was originally used to measure calories in different foods.

Quote

The most significant issue is that a calorie count tells us the total amount of energy stored in food without telling us anything about the accessibility of that energy. For example, your plate might contain 1,000 calories, but that doesn’t mean your body can use all of them. Your body is not a perfect food-burning furnace: Digestion is a complex process and your body uses different metabolic pathways to break down different nutrients.

 

The calories available for our bodies to use (accessibility) is also determined by how much that food is processed. More processing leads to more accessibility of calories which, if not burned, must be stored. Cooked spinach is more processed than raw spinach, so more calories will be accessible for the body to use/store than the raw spinach. 100 calories of ground, toasted almond flour (more processed) will have more accessible calories than raw almonds (less processed).

Other factors that affect weight are an individual’s microbiome, baseline cortisol levels, quality of sleep, and circadian biology — when a person sleeps and eats. There are some other issues, too, and probably many we don’t know about. It’s all more complicated than eating a certain number of calories and burning them off.

 

Edited August 6, 2019 by BeachGal

[Murphy101]

21 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I would feel terrible if I lost 50 lbs and no one noticed.  

What would be the right thing to say?  

 

Honestly this depends on relationship. If you know me, you can comment that I’m looking great. Or that I’m looking healthier.

Most people don’t mind positive comments and I’m not going to take it as a backhanded comment that I looked like crap before.  Maybe I did. Whatever. I’m better now and there’s nothing wrong with being happy for me about that.  

[Murphy101]

A lot of y’all hang out with asshats.  Life is too short for that crap.  Don’t presume they are being jerks but hey if they tell you they are - believe them and walk away from that.

The ONLY people who have commented on my weight worth listening to are people who love me and say things like how much they are looking forward to meeting me at 5:30am for coffee and to go walking and how great it is that I’m feeling better.  And when I just  can’t  crawl out of bed for that walk - they bring the coffee to me with not one single word about weight or how I really should go for a walk.  And if I gain every pound back plus some? It won’t change a single thing about any of that.

If Scarlett posted on FB that I’m looking beautiful, I’m just going to think she has bad eyesight and take the compliment.😆

 

 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

A lot of y’all hang out with asshats.  Life is too short for that crap.  Don’t presume they are being jerks but hey if they tell you they are - believe them and walk away from that.

The ONLY people who have commented on my weight worth listening to are people who love me and say things like how much they are looking forward to meeting me at 5:30am for coffee and to go walking and how great it is that I’m feeling better.  And when I just  can’t  crawl out of bed for that walk - they bring the coffee to me with not one single word about weight or how I really should go for a walk.  And if I gain every pound back plus some? It won’t change a single thing about any of that.

If Scarlett posted on FB that I’m looking beautiful, I’m just going to think she has bad eyesight and take the compliment.😆

 

 

That would require you actually posting a picture of yourself on FB.  Lol

[catz]

On this note, this article about this came across my feed on FB.  "We Really Need to Stop Complimenting People on Weight Loss"

Agree 100%.  Trust that if someone wants to talk about THEY will bring it up and you can follow their lead on it.  If they want your advice or opinion they will ask you directly for it.  

https://www.self.com/story/we-really-need-to-stop-complimenting-people-on-weight-loss?fbclid=IwAR2pmHGtdp8Ot4W_fAa3O6vZCwQnacE-r8J11BxRQJvdAdT2S9Wz5SwlkoM

[AmandaVT]

34 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

On this note, this article about this came across my feed on FB.  "We Really Need to Stop Complimenting People on Weight Loss"

Agree 100%.  Trust that if someone wants to talk about THEY will bring it up and you can follow their lead on it.  If they want your advice or opinion they will ask you directly for it.  

https://www.self.com/story/we-really-need-to-stop-complimenting-people-on-weight-loss?fbclid=IwAR2pmHGtdp8Ot4W_fAa3O6vZCwQnacE-r8J11BxRQJvdAdT2S9Wz5SwlkoM

 

Thank you for sharing this - "If you’re telling me I look great when I’m thinner, I can only assume that you think I didn’t look great until now, or that if I gain weight, I won’t look great again. So, let’s say you give me this compliment on my weight loss, then I gain weight. I assume, you’d say nothing, and then secretly note how much bigger (i.e. worse) I look? See what I mean? Crappy compliment."

That one encapsulates how I feel when people comment on weight loss. 

[Murphy101]

35 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

 

Thank you for sharing this - "If you’re telling me I look great when I’m thinner, I can only assume that you think I didn’t look great until now, or that if I gain weight, I won’t look great again. So, let’s say you give me this compliment on my weight loss, then I gain weight. I assume, you’d say nothing, and then secretly note how much bigger (i.e. worse) I look? See what I mean? Crappy compliment."

That one encapsulates how I feel when people comment on weight loss. 

 

Why presume anything they aren’t saying?  So many people are obviously insulting, why presume an insult that isn’t there?

I don’t think like that. Not about myself. Not about other people.

People are saying “you look great.”  Full stop. It might not even be because of the weight.  Many people change how they dress and do their makeup when they lose weight. (I know I have!)  Many people are participating in more activities when they lose weight. I have a tan for the first time in years. I’m HAPPIER now than I was 2 years ago. All these things likely contribute majorly to my image to others.  I’ve had many people refer to those things when saying I look great.

Life is hard. It will tear you apart and tear you down without any help from yourself.   If someone says you look great - then don’t turn that into a tear down. Just say thanks and move on.  And if they are people who treat you in a way that makes it being a backhanded statement more plausible? Find other people to associate with. 

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

That would require you actually posting a picture of yourself on FB.  Lol

 

Well that’s true.  My kids look a lot like me only pretty/handsome if that helps. My husband posted a bunch of horrible pictures of me on his page back in April.  I didn’t ask him to take them down. The entire family was impressed by my restraint. 😁

[catz]

3 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Why presume anything they aren’t saying?  So many people are obviously insulting, why presume an insult that isn’t there?

I don’t think like that. Not about myself. Not about other people.

People are saying “you look great.”  Full stop. It might not even be because of the weight.  Many people change how they dress and do their makeup when they lose weight. (I know I have!)  Many people are participating in more activities when they lose weight. I have a tan for the first time in years. I’m HAPPIER now than I was 2 years ago. All these things likely contribute majorly to my image to others.  I’ve had many people refer to those things when saying I look great.

Life is hard. It will tear you apart and tear you down without any help from yourself.   If someone says you look great - then don’t turn that into a tear down. Just say thanks and move on.  And if they are people who treat you in a way that makes it being a backhanded statement more plausible? Find other people to associate with. 

Did you read the article?   

This is easy to say if you didn’t grow up in an environment that involved constant body judgement and shaming.  It just straight up feels like unsolicited judgment.  People who want to talk about it will be easy to identify.  They will share their journey publicly.  If you don’t know someone well enough to know if they might be suffering from disordered eating or a serious health problem or their journey might be highly personal, then it’s best not to comment on someone’s body.  

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Did you read the article?   

This is easy to say if you didn’t grow up in an environment that involved constant body judgement and shaming.  It just straight up feels like unsolicited judgment.  People who want to talk about it will be easy to identify.  They will share their journey publicly.  If you don’t know someone well enough to know if they might be suffering from disordered eating or a serious health problem or their journey might be highly personal, then it’s best not to comment on someone’s body.  

 

Did you not read my post? Don’t listen to jerks. Don’t let them rob you of feeling good about being healthier (whatever that means).  I did grow up that way.  Instead of looking at everything from that POV, I decided to remove those people from my life and or discount their words based on where I knew they were speaking from. 

And I told Scarlett relationship matters. Obviously if I don’t know diddly about someone then I wouldn’t think to comment on their weight but I might comment on how they look great regardless. It’s sad to me that I should never compliment someone bc they might view it from the POV of their emotional abusers instead of an innocuous friendly comment.

[AmandaVT]

10 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Why presume anything they aren’t saying?  So many people are obviously insulting, why presume an insult that isn’t there?

I don’t think like that. Not about myself. Not about other people.

People are saying “you look great.”  Full stop. It might not even be because of the weight.  Many people change how they dress and do their makeup when they lose weight. (I know I have!)  Many people are participating in more activities when they lose weight. I have a tan for the first time in years. I’m HAPPIER now than I was 2 years ago. All these things likely contribute majorly to my image to others.  I’ve had many people refer to those things when saying I look great.

Life is hard. It will tear you apart and tear you down without any help from yourself.   If someone says you look great - then don’t turn that into a tear down. Just say thanks and move on.  And if they are people who treat you in a way that makes it being a backhanded statement more plausible? Find other people to associate with. 

 

I get what you're saying. And I know it's in my head. As far as changing dress or makeup - nope. I probably look sloppier actually because my shirts are getting big on me now. No one came up to me to tell me I looked great when I got a haircut I loved over the winter or wore something new. It's only now, when I've dropped a noticeable amount of weight. And I know (logically) that they're assuming that I am happy about losing weight (yes) and feeling better (no change there) and am proud of myself (yes). BUT, I'm the person who never likes attention on them, so it is hard for me. But I do need to get over it and realize that people are just trying to be kind.  

[Ravin]

On 8/4/2019 at 6:01 AM, Laura Corin said:

Thank you @maize. I struggle with this. I have a colleague who is obese to the extent that he needs a disabled parking spot as he can't walk far. He has a girlfriend and a good job. He eats a whole large pizza for lunch each day, despite having said that he knows it's not a good choice. His disability puts pressure on others in ways that I won't detail. He makes me angry. But, you are right, I don't know what other hard things he is doing.

 

My husband has a disabled parking spot because he can't walk far. He is very obese. He is also, overall, quite healthy aside from his weight and sleep problems that have plagued him since he was in his 20's. He does have one knee that is in bad shape, and causes him pain daily; he uses a cane if he has to walk a distance, but there's not much that can be done about the knee unless he can lose a lot of weight first, and his ability to exercise is limited by the problems with his knee. At one point he got the weight off by fasting and walking miles every day, but it came back when he hit 40 and his hormones shifted a bit (lower testosterone).

He does not eat to excess. He eats less than I do by a long shot. He doesn't always use his disabled parking permit, mostly places like on campus at the university where it saves him walking literally kilometers. Most places, if he can find a spot reasonably close he won't bother. He eats very little and the weight doesn't budge. He's looked in to surgery, but even if we could afford it (doubtful as our insurance doesn't cover it), he's been told he's not a good candidate for it. It's very frustrating.  

Growing up, my mom struggled with weight and health problems, and my father was extremely critical and emotionally abusive about it, even as he continued to smoke despite otherwise making a point of keeping himself very healthy/fit. I very much internalized seeing that as a lesson in what not to do. Would I rather DH be a couple hundred pounds thinner? Yes. But mostly because I don't like that he's in pain and has to deal with the limitations he's dealing with, and because I worry that it could shorten his life. Not because I think he got where he's at through some moral failing.

People should own their own hardships in life. But they shouldn't judge others for how they handle theirs, because you never really know the whole story.

[Ravin]

One thing I found interesting from my 23andMe results was that my current weight was accurately predicted by my genetics. 

[Laura Corin]

15 minutes ago, Ravin said:

One thing I found interesting from my 23andMe results was that my current weight was accurately predicted by my genetics. 

I've not heard about that - how does it work?

[Murphy101]

30 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

 

I get what you're saying. And I know it's in my head. As far as changing dress or makeup - nope. I probably look sloppier actually because my shirts are getting big on me now. No one came up to me to tell me I looked great when I got a haircut I loved over the winter or wore something new. It's only now, when I've dropped a noticeable amount of weight. And I know (logically) that they're assuming that I am happy about losing weight (yes) and feeling better (no change there) and am proud of myself (yes). BUT, I'm the person who never likes attention on them, so it is hard for me. But I do need to get over it and realize that people are just trying to be kind.  

 

I feel very uncomfortable being a center of attention. I also don’t know how to accept a compliment. (I have literally had dozens of people tell me that.)  If someone says I’m pretty or smart or anything else, in my head I think they are being silly or even conniving.  It has never occurred to me that I might actually be pretty. I don’t like my picture being taken. In 27 years and 11 kids, I doubt there’s more than a dozen pictures of me in existence. There’s exactly 3 from me as a child. 

It is hard to get over that. 

For *ME* the kick is looking at my kids and wondering if my being this way will somehow rub off on them as an unconscious message over the years. I’m ashamed to say it took me too long to consider that possibility. But once it did, I no longer feel I can accept that. So I have been letting my picture be taken more. Still think I’ll never have a good photo but I don’t care bc I want my girls to feel happy having a family picture. I want them to feel confident in their body. And I want to set an example for them of how to handle people who would make them think they aren’t worthy of that.

note that is MY place currently. It is not a denigration of anyone struggle and not having that attitude or opinion. Seriously.😁

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have a LOT of acquaintances. Some feel the need to “help” me lose weight. I can’t not be acquaintances unless I were to move, go to a different gym, grocery store etc. On one level I don’t care what they think but on another level it is a constant drip of attention focused on my weight or my shape.  It starts to wear on you after awhile.  I am glad that I don’t dye my hair because at least no one is still asking when my baby is due  

90% of my actual friends don’t care about my weight. They love me no matter what. They rejoice with me for every pound lost but there is no subtext there.

I have one dear friend who did focus on my weight. She decided on one of my visits to her house to show me how to eat and exercise. The food was no big deal because I already eat that way. The exercise- well, I tried my best to be a good guest keeping up with the days agenda. She was horrified when after the first day I literally couldn’t walk more than a painful hobble for two days. She no longer has my weight loss as her project because she finally understands that my health situation is complicated and that It isn’t as simple as eating salads and walking X miles a day.   Some people have to see it to believe it. (There never was any consideration of not being her friend because she’s a lovely person who just had a blind spot.). 

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I have a LOT of acquaintances. Some feel the need to “help” me lose weight. I can’t not be acquaintances unless I were to move, go to a different gym, grocery store etc. On one level I don’t care what they think but on another level it is a constant drip of attention focused on my weight or my shape.  It starts to wear on you after awhile.  I am glad that I don’t dye my hair because at least no one is still asking when my baby is due  

90% of my actual friends don’t care about my weight. They love me no matter what. They rejoice with me for every pound lost but there is no subtext there.

I have one dear friend who did focus on my weight. She decided on one of my visits to her house to show me how to eat and exercise. The food was no big deal because I already eat that way. The exercise- well, I tried my best to be a good guest keeping up with the days agenda. She was horrified when after the first day I literally couldn’t walk more than a painful hobble for two days. She no longer has my weight loss as her project because she finally understands that my health situation is complicated and that It isn’t as simple as eating salads and walking X miles a day.   Some people have to see it to believe it. (There never was any consideration of not being her friend because she’s a lovely person who just had a blind spot.). 

 

Wow. I don’t think that was lovely behavior. I think that was extremely rude and downright unkind of her.  If you are happy with that and how you are handling it - then I’m genuinely happy for you. 

Me? I’d either always change the topic abruptly or I’d have said something like, “I’m not asking you to fix me or make my health your pet project. I’m well aware of my health and my weight.  It makes me feel as though you think I’m incompetent, lazy or just plain stupid when you do/say things like this.”

Because I no longer feel that the only way to maintain acquaintances or to make friends is to allow them to treat me that way.  And yet here I am with many acquaintances and friends still. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Wow. I don’t think that was lovely behavior. I think that was extremely rude and downright unkind of her.  If you are happy with that and how you are handling it - then I’m genuinely happy for you. 

Me? I’d either always change the topic abruptly or I’d have said something like, “I’m not asking you to fix me or make my health your pet project. I’m well aware of my health and my weight.  It makes me feel as though you think I’m incompetent, lazy or just plain stupid when you do/say things like this.”

Because I no longer feel that the only way to maintain acquaintances or to make friends is to allow them to treat me that way.  And yet here I am with many acquaintances and friends still. 

 

Lovely people can still do unlovely things. I can and do set boundaries as needed. I had no need to set boundaries on food- her meals fit my dietary needs and I didn’t see a need to lecture her. The exercise- well, I suspected that I would be in pain but wasn’t sure so decided to go for it. I am constantly trying to push my physical boundaries.  Once she saw for herself how my body responded, she apologized profusely without any need for me saying anything to confront her. I am pretty comfortable knowing what to say when to a friend who has been close friends for 28 years now. 

[Alicia64]

On 8/5/2019 at 10:30 PM, Scarlett said:

 

You think a person who notices a 50 pound weight loss is fixated on weight? 

Here's what I said to an acquaintance who lost a lot of weight, "Omg! You look awesome. Of course I thought you looked beautiful before!"

And it was well received.

Some people look great with weight on, like Oprah. But I don't wear weight well at all -- it goes to my face and my tummy. So, yeah, when people noticed I could tell what they weren't adding.

Alley

[Tanaqui]

  Just sharing another mostly on-topic link: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/04/25/book-review-the-hungry-brain/

It says "book review" but there's more stuff in there, and you should also read the comments.