Reaching my limits for eldercare

[Janeway]

I am fed up with caring for my dad. The background is that he has not been mentally fit for a long time. And my brother is the golden child. He always got great joy out of torturing me my entire life. He also constantly causes drama in our family.  All these years, my parents have blown off my children. When my brother married a woman (much older than him) who had grown children and now, grandchildren, things got worse. My parents would not even acknowledge my children’s birthdays but my dad would then tell my children how great he thinks my brother’s wife’s grandkids were and how he buys them presents and all sorts of things. I told my dad it was cruel to tell his own grandchildren how great he thinks someone else’s grandchildren are and brag about the gifts he buys them when he doesn’t give his own grandchildren even a phone call or a card for their birthdays. He would actually scrunch up his face and tell me that is nonsense and my children just need to learn to be happy for these other kids. My brother would come around and laugh at me and call me “trouble” and make up terrible stories about me to my children. Things came to a head and the relationship ended with my parents. They didn’t want anything to do with my children, not even for Christmas, and this treatment of me and my children would not end.

 

Now that Mom has died, no one wanted to take care of Dad. Not kidding....they moved him in to assisted living and then a few months ago, announced I am taking care of him now. The assisted living is two miles from my house. No one else helps. My dad calls daily to tell me how lonely he is and how he wants to move home. Also, he keeps having emergencies. This is mostly dental or food cravings. Now this week, my husband is on his first vacation in years and wanted to do stuff, but my dad needs stuff daily. Also, my brother has been lying to people long distance and claiming he visits our dad but our dad is too far gone to remember. My brother hasn’t been there. I actually called to FaceTime with oldest sister who is on other side of the country to show her he was lying and wasn’t there when he claimed to be. My brother came over then and heard my dad telling me he wanted Christmas decorations up. My brother informed me I was not to do that. I did it anyway. My brother returned a few weeks later. He stayed five minutes and ripped some of the decorations down and caused damages. My dad tells me he refuses to be mad at him as he does not want to be angry at anyone. I just want to take all my things home that are still there. 

 

I am am in tears over everything. I am trying to have grace and forgiveness, but I cannot stand this.  I don’t want my children around my toxic brother. He has shown up twice when I have been there and made rude remarks and said bad things about me to my children. My husband does not want our children around my brother, I agree. 

 

I am posting from from my phone, from the dentists office, with my dad, while my husband is on vacation, at home, with the kids instead of us doing what we had planned for today. My brother was available but unwilling to take my dad anywhere. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Most assisted living places have buses or other ways to get residents to appointments.  I would check with them and would tell them that you are no longer available to be doing that. 

[Catwoman]

I’m so sorry, Janeway. 😞

[Janeway]

29 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Most assisted living places have buses or other ways to get residents to appointments.  I would check with them and would tell them that you are no longer available to be doing that. 

They only take two days a week. I wanted to look at other places but was overruled.  So basically, I am expected to do the work of taking care of him without having the rights to make these decisions.  To top it off is the frequent triggers of the abuse I have been through.

[vonfirmath]

7 minutes ago, Janeway said:

They only take two days a week. I wanted to look at other places but was overruled.  So basically, I am expected to do the work of taking care of him without having the rights to make these decisions.  To top it off is the frequent triggers of the abuse I have been through.

 

Then your dad needs to make his appointments on those two days.

 

I wouldn't totally write him off -- just because I'd feel guilty for abandoning my parents after they were gone. But given the way you've been treated, you don't need to jump every time he wants something either.

 

Start thinking of him as a child and make sure his needs are taken care of and the wants can wait.  It is okay to prioritize your children and husband over your dad. He lives at a assisted living home. He's being cared for.

 

Edited December 21, 2018 by vonfirmath

[Frances]

On 12/21/2018 at 12:51 PM, Janeway said:

They only take two days a week. I wanted to look at other places but was overruled.  So basically, I am expected to do the work of taking care of him without having the rights to make these decisions.  To top it off is the frequent triggers of the abuse I have been through.

There might be other free or low cost services to use for transport if he can’t get all of his appointments on those days. 

At a minimum, he needs to inform his healthcare providers that currently he can only have appointments on the days his facility provides transport.

Also, since others chose the facility and made the arrangements, then you need to make sure they are the ones who are called by the facility when there are any issues or problems. You can continue to help your dad out with emergencies or anything that is convenient for you, but you should not be the first point of contact, since you are not in charge of the situation. You can also explain this to your dad.

Edited March 8, 2019 by Frances

[Katy]

If it's a real emergency he can call 911.  If it's not a real emergency it can wait.  You don't need to ruin your family plans for non emergencies.  take the vacation.

[PrincessMommy]

I agree that you have to set some hard boundaries with your dad.  Maybe tell him you are available 2 days a week for visits to bring special foods or take him to appts... otherwise, the rest of the time is for your family.

 

I think it's great you set up the Christmas decorations for your dad.  I don't understand why your brother felt he needed to ruin that.  Rude and selfish.  

The social worker for his case should definitely be made aware of the family dynamics with your brother.  Can you call your sister and get her on your side?

 

[goldberry]

I am so sorry.  It sounds like you are going to have to start saying "No" even though you know it is going to make your dad and/or brother angry.  You don't need to be constantly available for him to be safe and cared for.  You don't need to jump to his every demand for him to be safe and cared for.  As long as he is those things, you are fulfilling your responsibilities as a daughter, no matter what anyone else says.

[bolt.]

In your family, how do decisions get made?

How is it that you get “overruled” (But can’t overrule others). How is it that people expect things of you (that you have to do) but when you expect things of others, they get to decide for themselves? How is it that requests are mandatory (why do they  feel that way)? How can you tell the difference if someone’s request isn’t mandatory?

Do you have some kind of implicit low status? (Age? Gender?) Is it a habit / role of yours to be the one who goes along? Do people want to believe that they are smarter than you? Does the loudest / most agressive person get the final say? Are you frightened or intimidated? Is it a sense of duty or honour?

If we know how it works, we can help you stand your ground — but I can’t guess about the complexities of family. You’ll have to explain. It.

[Junie]

(((Janeway)))

[Janeway]

28 minutes ago, bolt. said:

In your family, how do decisions get made?

How is it that you get “overruled” (But can’t overrule others). How is it that people expect things of you (that you have to do) but when you expect things of others, they get to decide for themselves? How is it that requests are mandatory (why do they  feel that way)? How can you tell the difference if someone’s request isn’t mandatory?

Do you have some kind of implicit low status? (Age? Gender?) Is it a habit / role of yours to be the one who goes along? Do people want to believe that they are smarter than you? Does the loudest / most agressive person get the final say? Are you frightened or intimidated? Is it a sense of duty or honour?

If we know how it works, we can help you stand your ground — but I can’t guess about the complexities of family. You’ll have to explain. It.

Younger child but not youngest. Smartest, but my oldest sister always did very well academically too. She and I were both NMF and top of our classes and so on. I was the little sister who looked up to her and did everything she did and thought the world of her and always did everything she told me. Now that I think about it, I didn’t even really have an identity. I wasn’t the oldest or the youngest or even the only boy. And I did nothing unique (not because I didn’t want to but because everything I wanted to do that was different was ignored). I always wanted to get along and have everyone get along. I was always in the middle. I was never physically strong. My brother was horrible to me. He was nicknamed “number one son.” He always got his jollies out of torturing me. Oh, one other thing, I al.,..darn it....I am at the assisted living right now and had to stop to talk to staff and lost my train of thought. I will try to remember. Oh yeah, my mom was very career driven and a feminist. I am a stay-at-home mom. My mom made it clear how she felt about that. So did my oldest sister.

[Shoeless]

Janeway, if you don't want to see your brother, you don't have to.  Not even if your father, sister, and brother himself scream and insist you have to do it.  

It sounds like there may be two issues? The demands of caring for your dad and the demands of your horrible brother. If you didn't have to deal with your brother, would caring for dad be more tolerable? 

What would happen if you stopped listening to what your brother wants? What would happen if you just ignored him and did what you want?  What's the worst case scenario?  

[StephanieZ]

You do not have to do anything for your dad that you don't CHOOSE to do. You report that your dad was unkind to you and your kids. For years. And that he has two other kids who he is/was kinder to. 

You can block their numbers.

You can visit your dad once a week if you like (or more or less) at your convenience. That'd be a nice thing to do. Bring a treat. Be kind for an hour or two. Then say "bye" and go back to your life.

Food cravings are NOT an emergency. 

If there is a real dental emergency, that is up to the facility and your dad's legal guardian/representative to deal with. A failure to deal with it is abuse, and should be treated as such. 

IMHO, if there are "emergencies" more than once every so many months that the facility can't readily deal with (excepting a rare situation with, say, an illness/ailment that is temporary and can be resolved in a matter of weeks to a couple months, but may well involve several emergencies in short succession), then your dad is not in a reasonable facility for his needs. He may require a higher level of care. 

If your dad has money, then whoever is his financial designee/custodian/trustee/whatever must/should use that money to serve his needs. If you feel like your dad is being abused (including financial abuse -- which includes failing to spend his own money on needed/desired things to every reasonable extent), then you have the option of reporting the abuser to Adult Protective Services and/or hiring your own attorney to sue for guardianship/etc if you can afford to do that (expect 5 figures in attorney's fees, to start). If you feel he is being abused in these or other ways, I suggest you invest at least some modest sum in an initial consultation with an Elder Care Attorney to discover your options, even if you don't have the time/energy to invest in trying to take guardianship. 

If the facility has a social worker or similar administrator, you can sit down with them and ask about options. 

If you won't use an attorney, I might at least send a written letter (registered mail with proof of delivery) to your siblings, your dad, and your dad's attorney, primary doctor, residential facility admin . . . stating that  . . . your dad has been contacting you, on average, five times per month with "emergencies" such as dental pain, food needs, etc . . . and that you are not available for these sorts of issues on a regular basis . . . and, according to your best understanding, Dad's legal representative is X, his attorney is Y, his primary doctor(s) are Z, his children are A, B, and me. (Include contact info for EVERYONE in your letter.) I'd suggest that "I do not have authorization to change Dad's care plan or arrange additional services to meet his needs. Dad's representatives should seek a more appropriate care plan and/or facility for Dad, since his needs are not able to be met in this situation." or something like that. Identify any needs/desires you know of that your Dad has that are not being met. If you are well aware of Dad's financial situation, you can include a reference to that . . . "I am aware that as of 2017, Dad had over $500,000 in his IRA as well as full ownership of his home, estimated value 400k. It seems to me, that given Dad's financial resources, he can/should be able to afford services to meet his needs and keep him comfortable." Mail it to everyone you can think of who might be in a position to intervene and/or influence things. 

You can give it a week or even a couple weeks (given the holidays) before blocking all their numbers . . . but I'd *seriously* consider blocking all the numbers you can and/or getting a new number and not giving it to anyone you don't trust not to abuse it. I *certainly* wouldn't be FaceTiming with anyone who wasn't nice to me and/or communicating in ANY way that wasn't absolutely imperative to get your Dad care he needs. 

Consider finding a paid local provider that *could* provide the care your Dad needs/desires. Get the number, make an initial call to confirm their availability to provide the needed services. Then, each time you get an "emergency" call, you can say, "Dad, I am not able to give you a ride to the dentist this week. But, PaidProviderOldFolksRUs can be hired to do this and I have their number. It's 555-555-1111." Repeat same to the facility, your siblings, etc. That would give you an easier "out." 

 

 

 

 

[TechWife]

16 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

I would definitely remove my name from being the first point of contact by the facility. 

Think carefully about this. Those lists are used to notify family of medical emergencies. When my mother had her brain hemorrhage  the facility called down the list to notify family. It took them to the third child on the list before anyone answered their phone. My oldest sister was the first one to get to the hospital and other than myself, who was out of state, lived the furthest from the facility or the hospital. That’s a long time for physicians to be making guesses about what the patient or family preferences are for care. In my fathers case, my sister actually followed the ambulance, but since she had to wait in the waiting room while he was entered into the computer, she didn’t get back to the room in time to prevent them from intubating him. Our lesson learned that time was to ride in the ambulance, even if it’s only a couple of blocks. 

OP, you may want to remain on the list but tell them it’s for medical emergencies only. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

23 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Think carefully about this. Those lists are used to notify family of medical emergencies. When my mother had her brain hemorrhage  the facility called down the list to notify family. It took them to the third child on the list before anyone answered their phone. My oldest sister was the first one to get to the hospital and other than myself, who was out of state, lived the furthest from the facility or the hospital. That’s a long time for physicians to be making guesses about what the patient or family preferences are for care. In my fathers case, my sister actually followed the ambulance, but since she had to wait in the waiting room while he was entered into the computer, she didn’t get back to the room in time to prevent them from intubating him. Our lesson learned that time was to ride in the ambulance, even if it’s only a couple of blocks. 

OP, you may want to remain on the list but tell them it’s for medical emergencies only. 

Or you can just make sure that he has an Advance Directive. In our facilities it was taped to the door for all staff and EMTs to see as well as in the files. No guessing by medical personnel  needed. There are good sites in rhe internet that explain what they are and how to set them up. 

[TechWife]

8 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Or you can just make sure that he has an Advance Directive. In our facilities it was taped to the door for all staff and EMTs to see as well as in the files. No guessing by medical personnel  needed. There are good sites in rhe internet that explain what they are and how to set them up. 

My dad had an advance directive and a DNR. The doctor did what he wanted to do because the facility didn’t communicate with him and the paperwork didn’t transfer. Emergency situations take on a life of their own and doctors are obligated to save a life if they don’t know, so that is how they proceed. Also, taping something like that to a door is a gross violation of confidentiality regulations. If it’s on the inside of the door, it’s more acceptable, but still questionable. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/advance-care-planning-healthcare-directives

In addition to the Advance directive, you want a POLST (provider orders for life sustaining treatment).  These are doctor orders that must be followed.

Do Not Resuscitate orders can be prominently posted by the elderly person's bed.  We also had it on the inside of the door.  (I didn't think that it was necessary to say "inside" since that was a bit obvious but apparently I do.)

[Pen]

22 hours ago, Janeway said:

Now this week, my husband is on his first vacation in years and wanted to do stuff, but my dad needs stuff daily.

 

Go on vacation.  Tell a social worker at facility that you will not be available.  

After your vacation, figure out a new approach that doesn’t involve you in daily help for your father.  

There are people in assisted living who have no living relatives, and who do get dental, medical and other needs met.  

[Pen]

If necessary block calls so you aren’t stressed by attempts to reach you.  Or turn off your ringer.  

(StephanieZ has this already, but I had not seen it when I wrote it—and I think it deserves immediate attention  for this week of husband vacation).

Edited December 22, 2018 by Pen

[Tanaqui]

Quote

I am am in tears over everything. I am trying to have grace and forgiveness, but I cannot stand this.

 

You're darn right you need to show more grace and forgiveness. You are being entirely too harsh. You need to sit down and think hard and forgive yourself.

Sounds to me like your father was emotionally abusive well before his mental illness. You have no obligation towards people who hurt you, especially when they used your children to do it. It sucks that he can't take care of himself, but if nobody else will do it then I guess that's his own fault, isn't it? If he'd been a nicer person, he probably wouldn't be so lonely now. He made that bed, and now he's lying in it. If he doesn't like it, so what?

Meanwhile, you have every right to step back from this situation or even walk away entirely. Sounds like your brother has done it, and with far less justification. He's just a jerk. You, by contrast, are practically daughter of the year. I cannot believe that you're accepting your father's "emergency" calls! "I don't like the food, I want something else" isn't an emergency. It's not an emergency when my kid says it to me, and it sure isn't an emergency when your dad says it to you. Dental care is rarely an emergency either, and if it is... well, he's in an assisted living facility, right? Let them assist him. What are you even paying for?

So sit down and try to show yourself some grace and compassion and forgiveness. Then call the social worker at the assisted living facility and tell her that you'll no longer be able to assist your father in his living. That's their job, they need to be the ones to do it. You are neither physically nor emotionally capable of this. Remember this lovely acronym: JADE. That means Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. You don't need to do any of those things. You think your brother bothered explaining himself? Nah, he just doesn't show up! You just need to say "It won't be possible for me to care for my father anymore, at all, even a little bit" and then repeat that sentence if they try to ask silly questions such as "why" or convince you to do it anyway. (If they've met the man, they probably understand your reasoning.)

Once you've established that you will not be taking your father to any more appointments, or whatever all else they have you doing, you can take a breather and evaluate what sort of emotional support you are both able and willing to give. It's okay to restrict yourself, say, to three fifteen-minute calls a week and one visit a month - or even less, if you're comfortable with that. Again, if your father had not harmed you you'd probably WANT to see him more often, but he gave up the rights to your time and your life when he was abusive. It's also okay to screen all his calls and restrict yourself to talking to him only when you  want.

One more thing: Please, please, please speak to a therapist. By this I mean somebody licensed and accredited. Your difficulty in forgiving your father for his ill treatment of you is evidently causing you distress, and a therapist can help you either forgive him or learn to accept that some things are unforgivable. They can also help you set boundaries and handle other practical matters.

[Tanaqui]

I've now read the other comments in the thread. I have two things more to say.

First, if the facility only shuttles people around two days of the week, then your father's appointments need to be made on those two days. Period, end of discussion. If you simply refuse to take him, then you'll be amazed at how quickly they adapt to this new rule.

Secondly, I can understand why you fell into the role of peacemaker in your family as a child - god, the whole thing sounds awful for you! - but your family is now using this instinct against you. They've probably been doing it for years and may not even be fully aware of it. I tell my kids all the time "Don't let other people take advantage of your good nature" and "Don't let people use your good manners against you". It's easy to say but hard to do, and in this case the first step is saying a default "No" every time you're asked to do something. (And, again, please - speak to a professional. You've got a lot on your plate, and people keep passing you more plates! This is not okay to do to you!)

[Faith-manor]

I was the scapegoat with a passive aggressive mother, verbally and emotionally abusive father, and siblings who wanted their way but wouldn't take responsibility. I did too much, and nearly ruined my marriage.

So here is my advice. You need to step back. The golden child either steps up to the plate or doesn't. You aren't going to make any of them happy because their "normal" is to dump on you, use you as the kicking post in the family. Your father has been an essentially abusive person to you so you owe him nothing. Really. Even if people tell you that you do, don't listen. The victim owes the abuser nothing, even if that abuser is his or her relative/parent. You need to protect your health and your marriage. Call the facility, tell them you are no longer available and will not be making decisions nor accepting phone calls from him. He can schedule his appointments around the transportation schedule of the facility or golden boy can do the running. You get your name off all legal documents pertaining to him. Seriously. I have seen how this works where the sibs go after the one that made all the decisions causing legal headaches on top of emotional heartaches. I am not kidding you. I've seen lawsuits. You do not want your name on a thing. I lived the nightmare of accusations from relatives even though I never wanted to be on that POA, and they guilted me into it. Never again. I learned my lesson. Father figure is now dead, and I got a lawyer to force my mother to take my name off everything. My brother is mad as snot, but too bloody bad. The stress of going through that with the one parent while being emotionally beaten up by the two sibs caused major marital problems, health problems, you name it. Not.doing.it.again.

It is perfectly acceptable to not take phone calls from him or your sibs. Save your energy and health for your husband and kids. These kinds of wickedly, dysfunctional family situations only destroy people, they rarely ever resolve in any health manner.