WWYD

[rebbyribs]

My / my husband's normal is to start a conversation with a little bit of "Hi, how are you?" and "Do you have a minute?" before asking a favor unless it's an emergency.  Although if it's a medical emergency, I would hope my husband would call the doctor first and fill me in later rather than asking me to get in touch with the doctor and relay his symptoms secondhand.

One problem we do have is that my husband often thinks I'm upset with him when I haven't said anything that would indicate being upset and then he gets defensive and I DO get upset.  The bit about "I knew you would bitch at me," sounds a bit like that to me. Like he was hesitant to ask you about the phone because he "knew" you were going to get angry with him about forgetting the phone, whereas it wasn't a big deal to you and you might've been at most slightly annoyed.  I have no idea what to do about that dynamic though.  ?

[catz]

27 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Or, you could have pulled over and called 911 before you blacked and crashed your car with your kids in it.

Right!?  I don't see how it's fair to second guess people in an emergency situation.  Continuing to drive doesn't seem like the clearest thinking either.  And as someone who has had anxiety at times, I do think for some it's normal to step back and 2nd guess and need to reflect or talk out for  a few minutes on how I'm actually feeling.  I know a number of people who have ended up in the er and gotten dxed with a panic attack.  Everyone has different pain and discomfort thresholds also. 

[SanDiegoMom]

I can understand in a medical emergency not necessarily being succinct, as emotions and fear might be taking over, but honestly if every conversation and text and call is like that, and the kids experience frustration over it too, and the boss...  maybe something else is going on.  My daughter's friend, during phone calls and texts, is very similar.  She comes out of the blue with completely unrelated information, starts stories halfway through not realizing they don't know what she is talking about... and is really a textbook case of ADHD inattentive type. 

[prairiewindmomma]

ADD conversation issues that come up in our family dynamics:

1. Person struggles to get to the important, relevant information first. Like, there's no filter and ranking of information.  I think this may be going on with the whole rambling conversation stuff.  There are a bazillion thoughts floating around in the head, like the keys in the Harry Potter scene, and finding all of the relevant ones at once is super tricky. There's a certain amount of processing that occurs while the talking is going on, as if in the process of spilling out bits of info the relevant stuff suddenly comes out and is recognized.

2. Person cannot access key memories. This is either the explosive blurt it all out before I forget or the repetition of stuff over and over in conversation.  A lot of ADD people begin conversation mid-stream (like the grocery list example) because they are trying so desperately not to forget what they need to remember that they can't start back at the beginning of their thought stream. 

3. Distraction by emotions.  The more anxious or angry a person comes, the harder it is to remember the relevant stuff and get it out. I, as a non-ADD person, still struggle with this sometimes. I just finished a post-it note with my key points in anticipation of a highly charged conversation this afternoon. I don't want to get derailed by the other person's comments which I know will be heated and meant to derail.

It's annoying as get out, Scarlett. Seriously. I live it daily.  I have one child I won't talk to if they haven't taken their meds....and meds only solve most of the issues.  If you think this is the dynamic that is going on, work on finding ways to first hush your mouth and respond politely and then on how to gently redirect the conversation.  To be honest, though, there's just a certain amount of grace you've got to extend, knowing that the other person still loves you despite all of your flaws.  We've all got issues in life, you know.....  

I tend to use the same conversational phrases as a gentle reminder. "I'm lost here, what are we talking about?" "That sounds like a list of something....is that groceries I need to pick up?" "So, you are going to x, y, and z and I should meet you at b at 2:00?".  Finding ways to gently rephrase or recap will help them develop better organizational patterns in their conversation.  It's a skill they are lacking, and modeling can be a subtle cue to help them develop the skill to do better (if it's in their realm of ability to improve).

[Scarlett]

52 minutes ago, Familia said:

I just want to say, Scarlett, that I appreciate your honest interest in being a better person all the time in your family relationships.  You lay yourself out there on the board and weather the good and bad advice/opinions/judgements so well.

Often, I see at least a little of myself in your queries and learn a lot from the discussion!

Thank you.  That means a lot....I do feel like a glutton for punishment at times. LOL

[unsinkable]

11 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Right!?  I don't see how it's fair to second guess people in an emergency situation.  Continuing to drive doesn't seem like the clearest thinking either.  And as someone who has had anxiety at times, I do think for some it's normal to step back and 2nd guess and need to reflect or talk out for  a few minutes on how I'm actually feeling.  I know a number of people who have ended up in the er and gotten dxed with a panic attack.  Everyone has different pain and discomfort thresholds also. 

It is the idea that not only did HS Mom in AZ  do the exact. correct. thing. when she had what sounds like a spontaneous pneumothorax, everyone else reading should take heed and teach their children to do this. exact. right. thing, too!

According to her, there are no allowances for any other reasonable option. 

 "100 people surveyed! Top Four Answers are on the board! You're driving in your car with your elementary aged kids. You have chest pain, you can't take a breath and your arm and hand are going numb. What do you do?"

 " Uh, there should only be one answer." 

 "That's not how this works. There is more than one answer."

 " No, the correct answer is Call my husband and calmly tell him he needs to take me to the hospital. "

 "Survey says...!"

 

[happi duck]

(hugs)

My dh conveys any information like a storyteller spinning a cliffhanger.  Anxious me sometimes has to ask him to jump to the point if it's sounding dire.

Dh grew up with regimented politeness.  It is hard for him to shake and does get in the way sometimes.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I think the bolded is rude and dismissive and comes off as just wishing he would shut up. Which personally doesn’t inspire me to have comfortable conversations with someone or to feel my thoughts matter to them. 

 

Honestly? I think he does this because you have made him feel you are not someone who cares what he has to say and so he is uncomfortable sharing with you.  Possibly because he feels you are always ready to detonate, whether that’s true or not is less important than that he may feel you are. I think he is seeking assurance that it’s okay to talk to you  and your verbal and nonverbal cues are loudly saying it isn’t while at the same demanding he do so.

What he may need you to say is, “Say whatever you need to say. I’m not in a bad mood.  (Or admit) I am irritated right now, but it’s not because of you. You can talk to me.” And then set aside whatever you are doing and give him your attention without comment or sighs or other cues of irritation. 

I think you are mostly right, and it does come back to me learning to deal with my own impatience at his communication style.  As for the comment about Siri though....I don't think he felt that was rude....maybe if I had said it immediately after his very loooooong text....but I waited about 4 hours.  And even he knows he had gone over board with his text...he was saying things like 'and now I've ruined your day and you probably don't want anything to do with me.'   It was not a 'day ruining' text...we were both irritated about our teens not doing their share. 

But yes, mostly I can see that he worries he is bugging me.....when the only thing bugging me is how he is worrying that he is bugging me.  

[GoodGrief]

My husband is as introverted as they come, and not a chatter at all, but also has the hardest time getting to the point when he has a request or proposition of some sort. In his case, I do believe there is some social anxiety at play. He avoids conversations, and gets slightly panicky when it becomes necessary for him to initiate one. For my husband, it's like he's "circling the victim" (for lack of a better term) and leaving himself a few emergent exit strategies before he strikes with the main topic. I don't have an answer, but it is maddening. I do personally offer him alternative ways to phrase things, and he is getting a little better, but in the end he is in his mid-50s and it is what it is.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, happi duck said:

(hugs)

My dh conveys any information like a storyteller spinning a cliffhanger.  Anxious me sometimes has to ask him to jump to the point if it's sounding dire.

Dh grew up with regimented politeness.  It is hard for him to shake and does get in the way sometimes.

Dh's family is polite but not to the degree he is...

Some of you may have heard this story before....when I was introduced to dh, my friend who introduced us asked dh's sister, 'so what is the worst thing about him.'  Sister thinks long and hard and says, 'he tells really long stories.' My friend says, 'that's it? That's the worst you can come up with?' Sister says, 'No, you don't understand, he tells REALLY long stories.'  

Oh that story is family legend now.  Because now I know.  All our friends know...he might start telling a story about his youth in CA and we have to interrupt and say, 'It is ok, we don't need to know John's last name.'  And all of that is not that hard to deal with.  The long story doesn't bother me.....usually ? …...it is the total confusion I feel when he begins the story with the ending.

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, GoodGrief1 said:

My husband is as introverted as they come, and not a chatter at all, but also has the hardest time getting to the point when he has a request or proposition of some sort. In his case, I do believe there is some social anxiety at play. He avoids conversations, and gets slightly panicky when it becomes necessary for him to initiate one. For my husband, it's like he's "circling the victim" (for lack of a better term) and leaving himself a few emergent exit strategies before he strikes with the main topic. I don't have an answer, but it is maddening. I do personally offer him alternative ways to phrase things, and he is getting a little better, but in the end he is in his mid-50s and it is what it is.

Dh is so totally not introverted.  But I do think he is a little low on the confidence in some areas.  

[unsinkable]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Dh's family is polite but not to the degree he is...

Some of you may have heard this story before....when I was introduced to dh, my friend who introduced us asked dh's sister, 'so what is the worst thing about him.'  Sister thinks long and hard and says, 'he tells really long stories.' My friend says, 'that's it? That's the worst you can come up with?' Sister says, 'No, you don't understand, he tells REALLY long stories.'  

Oh that story is family legend now.  Because now I know.  All our friends know...he might start telling a story about his youth in CA and we have to interrupt and say, 'It is ok, we don't need to know John's last name.'  And all of that is not that hard to deal with.  The long story doesn't bother me.....usually ? …...it is the total confusion I feel when he begins the story with the ending.

 

Instead of "It's OK, we don't need to know John's last name" my family will say to me (or my brother, bc he is like me) "His last name is NOT THE F$CKING POINT."

:lol:

At a recent party, one of my nieces said to me, "Tell Susie the laundromat story." And the other niece said, "Susie has to leave soon. There is not enough time."

:lol:

[Scarlett]

On my way back to the office after lunch he calls.  I answer.  He says, 'do you want to call me back?'  I say, 'why?'  He says, 'it sounds like you are driving or something.'  I said, 'I am driving but I can talk to you.'  Then he tells me that he tried to fax the XRay lab authorization for me to talk about the bill but he couldn't fax things from the office but he has it all written out and will bring it to me tonight.  I said ok.  (so far so good and I am practicing my best patience and calming techniques) He had apparently called them and talked to them some and he felt like they had not filed the right insurance.....as he is talking I felt like he had it exactly backwards, but I just oh ok.....and he said it can wait a day until I can talk to them and I said, 'sure.'  And we said, 'see you tonight' and hung up.

Whew.  

?

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

 

Instead of "It's OK, we don't need to know John's last name" my family will say to me (or my brother, bc he is like me) "His last name is NOT THE F$CKING POINT."

:lol:

At a recent party, one of my nieces said to me, "Tell Susie the laundromat story." And the other niece said, "Susie has to leave soon. There is not enough time."

:lol:

That made me laugh so hard.  Both parts of it.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

Or, you could have pulled over and called 911 before you blacked and crashed your car with your kids in it.

I did pull the car over and dial 911 when my breathing stopped being within the range of normal shortly after adn was taken by ambulance. If my breathing had remained within the normal range it would've been less risky to drive to my house, because the area I had to pull over at was not a safe place for my kids-it was isolated and dark because it was so late.  Not everyone lives in the middle of a city. I lived in a neighborhood on the outskirts.  Not every chest pain is major emergency and my driving wasn't impaired before my breathing became serious change.  I don't pull off the road when I have bad cramps or the beginning of a migraine either.  I know it's upsetting to be on the outside and hear chest pains, but being on the inside I was better able to evaluate the seriousness of the situation.  That was verified in having to wait in the ER for almost an hour before any treatment other than a pain med.  It's OK, not everything is life and death. The specialist told me I have a 40-60% chance of recurrence, but not to worry about it, no ambulance would be needed, just drive myself to the ER.

[unsinkable]

1 minute ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I did pull the car over and dial 911 when my breathing stopped being within the range of normal shortly after adn was taken by ambulance. If my breathing had remained within the normal range it would've been less risky to drive to my house, because the area I had to pull over at was not a safe place for my kids-it was isolated and dark because it was so late.  Not everyone lives in the middle of a city. I lived in a neighborhood on the outskirts.  Not every chest pain is major emergency and my driving wasn't impaired before my breathing became serious change.  I don't pull off the road when I have bad cramps or the beginning of a migraine either.  I know it's upsetting to be on the outside and hear chest pains, but being on the inside I was better able to evaluate the seriousness of the situation.  That was verified in having to wait in the ER for almost an hour before any treatment other than a pain med.  It's OK, not everything is life and death. The specialist told me I have a 40-60% chance of recurrence, but not to worry about it, no ambulance would be needed, just drive myself to the ER.

You're Monday Morning Quarterbacking, though. You're alive. You did the "right thing."

and thank God. What caused it, if you don't mind me asking? Had you been lifting heavy objects. Or did you have pneumonia?

[HS Mom in NC]

1 minute ago, unsinkable said:

You're Monday Morning Quarterbacking, though. You're alive. You did the "right thing."

and thank God. What caused it, if you don't mind me asking? Had you been lifting heavy objects. Or did you have pneumonia?

I had been eating cookies at my mother's house with visiting relatives.  I don't fit the typical profile: lanky teenage male playing basketball, so their theory is I have blebs (like bubbles) on my lungs that can burst and cause the lung to deflate.  There's a scan they can do to check, but I was in the middle of an international adoption from S. Korea,(they're crazy about medical stuff)  and we weren't willing to have a diagnosis on the record (the ER doctor had a daughter they adopted from China so he agreed it could be off the record after the fact if I needed that) so we didn't schedule it. My husband let it slip in conversation with the social worker, but it was fairly subtle so she didn't pick up on it as a serious thing.  We'd already done all the medical stuff a few months before, so it was not the primary focus anymore. The scan doesn't really matter anyway because the treatment is the same whether blebs are diagnosed or not-if you have a second episode they talk about the treatment which was described to me as major surgery where they go in and scar the lungs chemically or with a brush kind of thing so when they heal they're stronger.  Ugh.  That was 2005 and it hasn't happened since.  I did have 3 situations where the chest pains were bad enough that I thought it might be happening again, but they passed without incident.  I had milder chest pains for about 3 years after the collapse, so I'm not one to freak about them. At first I would lean over to husband if we were out and whisper, "Just so you know, I think my lung might be about to collapse, but I'm not sure."  Then I didn't bother telling him anymore unless it was one of those bad 3 situations.

I had a fallopian tube spontaneously rupture during labor 6 years before that.  My husband says he's had it with spontaneity.

[unsinkable]

15 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I had been eating cookies at my mother's house with visiting relatives.  I don't fit the typical profile: lanky teenage male playing basketball, so their theory is I have blebs (like bubbles) on my lungs that can burst and cause the lung to deflate.  There's a scan they can do to check, but I was in the middle of an international adoption from S. Korea,(they're crazy about medical stuff)  and we weren't willing to have a diagnosis on the record (the ER doctor had a daughter they adopted from China so he agreed it could be off the record after the fact if I needed that) so we didn't schedule it. My husband let it slip in conversation with the social worker, but it was fairly subtle so she didn't pick up on it as a serious thing.  We'd already done all the medical stuff a few months before, so it was not the primary focus anymore. The scan doesn't really matter anyway because the treatment is the same whether blebs are diagnosed or not-if you have a second episode they talk about the treatment which was described to me as major surgery where they go in and scar the lungs chemically or with a brush kind of thing so when they heal they're stronger.  Ugh.  That was 2005 and it hasn't happened since.  I did have 3 situations where the chest pains were bad enough that I thought it might be happening again, but they passed without incident.  I had milder chest pains for about 3 years after the collapse, so I'm not one to freak about them. At first I would lean over to husband if we were out and whisper, "Just so you know, I think my lung might be about to collapse, but I'm not sure."  Then I didn't bother telling him anymore unless it was one of those bad 3 situations.

I had a fallopian tube spontaneously rupture during labor 6 years before that.  My husband says he's had it with spontaneity.

Tell him you have Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion. That's when your teeth turn to liquid and they drain down the back of your throat. Or Count Choculitis. Or Hotdog Fingers.

/end The Office references

[HS Mom in NC]

17 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Tell him you have Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion. That's when your teeth turn to liquid and they drain down the back of your throat. Or Count Choculitis. Or Hotdog Fingers.

/end The Office references

I'm an Office fan, so I got it.  I told him if I go out in an unusual way, I hope it's spontaneous combustion-just a flash of green flame and poof!  He didn't think it was funny.  It was too soon.

[HS Mom in NC]

56 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

You're Monday Morning Quarterbacking, though.

And the specialist confirmed that no ambulance was necessary at all, so I think giving credit to my instincts shouldn't be minimized when I opted at first not to.  You can do whatever you want in that situation, but there was more than one right answer in that situation according to a credible source, a pulmonologist, even if you wouldn't have personally chosen or recommended it because of your own personal comfort levels with potential risk and unknown factors.  Just like everyone wouldn't immediately opt for a c-section or antibiotics in every situation they could be used.  Some opt in and some opt out and both can be the right thing to do.

[unsinkable]

5 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

And the specialist confirmed that no ambulance was necessary at all, so I think giving credit to my instincts shouldn't be minimized when I opted at first not to.  You can do whatever you want in that situation, but there was more than one right answer in that situation according to a credible source, a pulmonologist, even if you wouldn't have personally chosen or recommended it because of your own personal comfort levels with potential risk and unknown factors.  Just like everyone wouldn't immediately opt for a c-section or antibiotics in every situation they could be used.  Some opt in and some opt out and both can be the right thing to do.

Yes, that was my point.

There is more than one right answer.

Your first post did not come across that way, however. The post where you relayed how you called your husband and told him calmly he needed to take you to the hospital, bc...<insert your reasons>

I think there are other EQUALLY EFFECTIVE ways to have handled your situation.

 

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Dh's family is polite but not to the degree he is...

Some of you may have heard this story before....when I was introduced to dh, my friend who introduced us asked dh's sister, 'so what is the worst thing about him.'  Sister thinks long and hard and says, 'he tells really long stories.' My friend says, 'that's it? That's the worst you can come up with?' Sister says, 'No, you don't understand, he tells REALLY long stories.'  

Oh that story is family legend now.  Because now I know.  All our friends know...he might start telling a story about his youth in CA and we have to interrupt and say, 'It is ok, we don't need to know John's last name.'  And all of that is not that hard to deal with.  The long story doesn't bother me.....usually ? …...it is the total confusion I feel when he begins the story with the ending.

I had a co-worker like this.  You could ask him for the time and he'd start out with a history of clock-making. 

Everyone thought long and hard before asking any question of Herman. 

 

[Arctic Bunny]

23 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I had a co-worker like this.  You could ask him for the time and he'd start out with a history of clock-making. 

Everyone thought long and hard before asking any question of Herman. 

 

I had a boss like that. We had to have a morning meeting, even if there was nothing to discuss. We took turns asking him about ____.

[Catwoman]

24 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I had a co-worker like this.  You could ask him for the time and he'd start out with a history of clock-making. 

Everyone thought long and hard before asking any question of Herman. 

 

 

Maybe that was his plan... ?

[SKL]

Talking too long runs in my FOO.  One brother in particular gets diarrhea of the mouth all too often.

I remember my dad prompting him to hurry up by saying ... "so, to make a short story long ...."

Same brother also laughs like crazy at his own jokes.  Sometimes he can't even get them out kuz he finds them so funny.

Gotta love family.  ?

[Soror]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Talking too long runs in my FOO.  One brother in particular gets diarrhea of the mouth all too often.

I remember my dad prompting him to hurry up by saying ... "so, to make a short story long ...."

Same brother also laughs like crazy at his own jokes.  Sometimes he can't even get them out kuz he finds them so funny.

Gotta love family.  ?

Dh is ALWAYS making a short story long.

[TravelingChris]

I am ADHD as are all three kids and yes, we all do this to some degree or another.  I am not usually the long story person, just the starting in the middle person.  All three kids tend to do very long stories but the worse is my most severely ADHDer.  But one strange thing, although dh can't figure out what I am talking about a lot unless  I go back and fill in, that dd and I always understand each other's midsection points.

And I do not actually like the way Dh communicates so he gets annoyed with me and I with him in communication styles but we have been together 36 years and he normally isn't irritated nor am I.

[SquirrellyMama]

19 hours ago, SKL said:

Talking too long runs in my FOO.  One brother in particular gets diarrhea of the mouth all too often.

I remember my dad prompting him to hurry up by saying ... "so, to make a short story long ...."

Same brother also laughs like crazy at his own jokes.  Sometimes he can't even get them out kuz he finds them so funny.

Gotta love family.  ?

I do this, what can I say - we love to laugh.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

16 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

I am ADHD as are all three kids and yes, we all do this to some degree or another.  I am not usually the long story person, just the starting in the middle person.  All three kids tend to do very long stories but the worse is my most severely ADHDer.  But one strange thing, although dh can't figure out what I am talking about a lot unless  I go back and fill in, that dd and I always understand each other's midsection points.

And I do not actually like the way Dh communicates so he gets annoyed with me and I with him in communication styles but we have been together 36 years and he normally isn't irritated nor am I.

 

My mom, my youngest dd, and I can all understand each other when no one else can.

Kelly

[unsinkable]

18 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

 

My mom, my youngest dd, and I can all understand each other when no one else can.

Kelly

I'm surrounded by black and white, concrete, linear communicators. I think they leave out details and then I feel like I need a half million questions answered.

It is a breath of fresh air when my brother comes here and I'm not alone. ?

[extendedforecast]

On 9/20/2018 at 11:52 AM, Scarlett said:

Yeah, its probably me.  LOL

The other day he called

Dh:  Hi How are you?

Scarlett:  Fine, and you? (I have learned to live with this little ritual of politeness as if we are acquaintances instead of marriage mates)

Dh:  What are you doing right now?

Scarlett:  Not much, why?

Dh:  Are you working?  Are you sitting down or what?

Scarlett:  I am sitting down at the moment....why?

Dh:  Are you busy?  I mean, do you have a minute?  

Scarlett:  Yes, I have a minute, what is it?

Dh:  Well, I just wanted to read this report to you to see if it makes sense.

Scarlett:  Sure go ahead.  

I remained calm and polite through out that, but honestly folks I feel like I am living in the twilight zone at times.  

My version would have been

Scarlett: Hi I just finished this report, do you have a minute to listen to it to be sure it sounds ok?

Dh:  Sure. Go ahead. (or I will when I finish this task, can I call you right back?)

I can do relate to this specific conversation. Not saying the same thing is going on with your DH, but maybe he’s coming from the same place. Sometimes I annoy my DH when communicating and he gets short or impatient with me. It hurts really badly, and then I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. The conversation you posted above is an example of me walking on eggshells around my husband. I’m protecting my feelings by making sure he’s available and in good spirits before I start. At this point, he senses this and asks what’s wrong, and I tell him that I feel like I’m annoying him. We talk more where I explain why, and then he apologizes and explains what was going on during the hurtful conversations. Usually it’s either from a lack of sleep or stress from work. Then he makes a point not to take his stresses out on me and all is good.

I think your DH’s initial questions could be him setting the stage for a productive conversation with you, especially if he’s sensitive to annoying you with his random, incoherent conversations. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, extendedforecast said:

I can do relate to this specific conversation. Not saying the same thing is going on with your DH, but maybe he’s coming from the same place. Sometimes I annoy my DH when communicating and he gets short or impatient with me. It hurts really badly, and then I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. The conversation you posted above is an example of me walking on eggshells around my husband. I’m protecting my feelings by making sure he’s available and in good spirits before I start. At this point, he senses this and asks what’s wrong, and I tell him that I feel like I’m annoying him. We talk more where I explain why, and then he apologizes and explains what was going on during the hurtful conversations. Usually it’s either from a lack of sleep or stress from work. Then he makes a point not to take his stresses out on me and all is good.

I think your DH’s initial questions could be him setting the stage for a productive conversation with you, especially if he’s sensitive to annoying you with his random, incoherent conversations. 

Yes you are probably right.  He takes so long to get to the point because he is nervous he is bothering me.  I guess me exercising patience and kindness might eventually help him to stop worrying it.  I don't want to give the impression he is some beat down pup...he can certainly snap at me when he is irritable.....

[bolt.]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Yes you are probably right.  He takes so long to get to the point because he is nervous he is bothering me.  I guess me exercising patience and kindness might eventually help him to stop worrying it.  I don't want to give the impression he is some beat down pup...he can certainly snap at me when he is irritable.....

You can also be blunt-open, like just say, “You’re not bothering me hon, but I’d love to know the point of this call.”

I’m thinking that he might think ‘some things are obvious’ like, a list of food items and making plans about when/how to get them — it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the topic is grocery shopping. Whereas comparing a truck to a beer can is more obscure, but within the realm of guess-ability. It’s almost like interpreting free verse poetry. Frustrating for everyday communication.

I think if you offer a guess (when you have one) he might be more open to hearing you tell him when he is being totally cryptic. Like, “I’m guessing that’s a grocery list, right? Are you asking me to get it?” — it shows that you are trying to understand, which might make him more willing to try to be more clear.

[Scarlett]

Just now, bolt. said:

You can also be blunt-open, like just say, “You’re not bothering me hon, but I’d love to know the point of this call.”

I’m thinking that he might think ‘some things are obvious’ like, a list of food items and making plans about when/how to get them — it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the topic is grocery shopping. Whereas comparing a truck to a beer can is more obscure, but within the realm of guess-ability. It’s almost like interpreting free verse poetry. Frustrating for everyday communication.

I think if you offer a guess (when you have one) he might be more open to hearing you tell him when he is being totally cryptic. Like, “I’m guessing that’s a grocery list, right? Are you asking me to get it?” — it shows that you are trying to understand, which might make him more willing to try to be more clear.

Free verse poetry.  Hmmm....pretty accurate I guess.  I have tried to guess but then he gets irritated...'no, if you would just listen.'  Thus my attempts to just wait him out.....I guess I just need to find a middle ground.

[extendedforecast]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes you are probably right.  He takes so long to get to the point because he is nervous he is bothering me.  I guess me exercising patience and kindness might eventually help him to stop worrying it.  I don't want to give the impression he is some beat down pup...he can certainly snap at me when he is irritable.....

Yes, we all are probably guilty of this when irritable. I know I am. Sometimes I catch it on my own, and sometimes someone needs to tell me. Your situation is tricky because it’s difficult to express your frustration about his communication without making him defensive. And if he’s feeling defensive, you’re not going to get anywhere. Have you tried to talk to him when you’re both in a good mood?

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, extendedforecast said:

Yes, we all are probably guilty of this when irritable. I know I am. Sometimes I catch it on my own, and sometimes someone needs to tell me. Your situation is tricky because it’s difficult to express your frustration about his communication without making him defensive. And if he’s feeling defensive, you’re not going to get anywhere. Have you tried to talk to him when you’re both in a good mood?

Ha who wants to ruin a good time with such nonsense.  Lol.....but yes your point is well taken.