Are you the parent you thought you'd be?

[fairfarmhand]

9 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

it was many years ago - I believe there are three types of kids.

those who are influenced for good or ill by their environment.

those who have something within themselves that will persevere through difficult times

and those . . . . . .

 

who will give the very best parents in the world a run for their money.

I think if we've sincerely, generally, done the best we can, we need to cut ourselves some slack.  I know I keep telling myself "i shoulda" this or that.

I’ve always said that Jesus himself could’ve patented my kid and she’s still be a difficult kid. 

 

Its doubly hard now that she’s 20. Knows everything and has decided that all her struggles are the fault of her parents. Inside I know it’s not true and we did the best we could but it’s so hard to feel that, iykwim.

[Chris in VA]

No, but I didn't really have an ideal before I started. That came as they grew. I wanted family devotions, lots of reading aloud, natural baby care, strict rules and boundaries and obedient and happy children. I had more of an idealized family life scenario in my head than my particular part in it, TBH. I got  a family that had to deal with depression, autism, mental illness, substance abuse, incarceration, anger, deception, abuse by a secret relationship ...it was pretty bad as time went on.  I see the effects on my youngest of the turmoil caused by my other kid and our reactions to it. 

You reap what you sow, but the whole family sows the same field, and the result is often unpredictable and sometimes undesirable. 

I wish I was that calm, Spirit-controlled, healthy, sexy, bread-baking, homemaking, financially responsible, articulate, storytelling, infinitely kind, interesting, virtuous mom that I thought I should be. Instead my kids got someone who spends too much, gets too involved in her own angst, drops too many f-bombs, criticizes too freely, cries too much, doesn't take good care of her body, and sometimes avoids the very things I know will help me develop into the person I want my kids to be. 

Still, my kids know I love them, and I know they love me. It's a fierce love, at times, and much bigger than the problems of being human. It's mixed with forgiveness, second/third/many chances, humor, loyalty, and letting go. Who doesn't have regrets?! I think the trick is to continue on, and there is some virtue in that. I'm sure I will look back at their childhoods (as I am doing lately, since dd is leaving in the fall for college) and find parts of our lives during this time absolutely heartbreaking. You just accept it and try the next day to make that day better, to be a better person. 

[aaplank]

On 5/19/2018 at 5:49 PM, StellaM said:

I was much more the parent I thought I'd be when the kids were little.  I was warm, I cultivated an atmosphere of education, I worked hard at providing all sorts of experiences and resources, I read to my kids so much, we snuggled a lot, I cooked them nourishing foods, I made sure they had plenty of time to play and create, I had firm boundaries around media.

I am pretty ambivalent about my parenting now. I don't think I do a terrible job, but I don't have an inner sense that I'm doing a great job either. I think it's because the challenges are greater, and my energy is less - partly because I'm older and more burned out on life, partly because I split my time between parenting, work and study. 

I second guess myself a lot more than, say, a decade ago.

I actually feel I have failed to be a good parent to teens and young adults. I feel they should have models of success to follow, and I can't say that I've been all that successful, other than getting my last degree.

I suppose I don't feel all that good about myself and my life, and that makes it hard to feel like you are the parent you want to be. Fat, ugly mommy who is patching together $ from various casual jobs, and no longer has a vocation of any kind is very different from pretty, slender mom who still has a hope of resuming her career, but chooses to lavish her life energy on full time mothering and schooling.

Well, that was cathartic, lol.

 

 

 

I could have written this myself. I feel the same way. I was such a better mom when the kids were little. I feel like I'm failing them everyday now that they're older. Life has just knocked me down and I can't move beyond survival mode. I have this undercurrent of stress realizing I only have a few short years with them until they leave home. I need to get my act together. 

[aaplank]

5 hours ago, Tap said:

No. Because my kid's needs outweighed my abilities. I had to choose one child's needs over another child's so often, that I think I royally screwed up one childhood, to protect the other.  There have been soooooo many sacrifices.  So much hurt and tears. So much emotional devastation.  I have often said that living in our home was like living in an abusive marriage. It was just a child inflicting the abuse, not the adult.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD from raising this child.  So no.....I am not the parent, nor even the person I thought I would be.

My older kids understand.  But it doesn't change the reality. I have often wondered if this constant turmoil and stress is part of the root of DD19s neurological, chronic health issue. 

 

Maybe it sounds trite or cliche, but I'm so, so sorry.  My heart goes out to you.  I know a little of what you speak. After fostering a child with RAD for a year, we are still suffering from the effects. I am also riddled with anxiety thinking that my kids' health and psychological issues stem from that whole experience. 

[learning123]

7 hours ago, Tap said:

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from raising this child.  So no.....I am not the parent, nor even the person I thought I would be.

You are not alone. My husband's response to the challenge is that we chose to clean up the mess others made.

?? I purport to clean it up but am I really???

[Sharon77]

Because of my own parents' hardships which led to a difficult childhood for me, I've been thinking hard about parenting since I was 8 years old. 

I observed, criticized, and admired many moms and dads over the years and took very good notes.

So I can say that I am the mom I always wanted to be.

BUT...even as well prepared as I was, now having raised three kids into their 20s, I can say parenting is very hard and I fully realize that so much of it is out of our control.

I have been humbled and broken about how difficult it is and judge no one. 

Although I have nothing to complain about, my kids are thriving but yikes!! I am enjoying the years now and never want to go back!

[Desert Strawberry]

It's been a bumpy road at timrs, but yes. Overall, life is as near as possible to what I imagined, given that reality will always have its way with us.

[nixpix5]

On 5/19/2018 at 10:47 AM, happysmileylady said:

I am a different parent as different children and ages require me to be.  I have a 22yr old a 9 yr old, a 7yr old with a diagnosis, all of them girls, and also a 5yr old boy.  They all have different needs and I adapt and adujust as I can.  One child may need a “sink or swim” sort of approach to something, whereas another might need two life jackets and to go into the water an inch at a time, a little bit each day.  It’s all different.  I don’t really have a philosophy of parenting to guide me, unless you consider “just do what needs to be done” counts as a philosophy

 

ETA: I got pregnant at 17.  At the time, I wasn’t spending time imagining what my life would be like as a parent...shoot, I wasn’t even imagining much beyond high school lol. Like most 17 yr olds.  So, when I got thrown into parenting, there was no “kind of parent I thought I would be.”

I can relate to this. I have sons in their 20's and I had my first at 17. It was parenting by the seat of your pants coupled with the invinsibility know it all phase of the teen years. I did the best I could. I took a love and logic parenting class for high school credit at our community college that helped me be loving and consistent. My two wonderful boys tease me and say they were the rough draft kids. They always  say though that they thought we did a great job and we are all super close. They have memories of sitting in organic chemistry labs with goggles on in college with us. They practically grew up on our university campus. It was just their normal. I was more casual with what I exposed them to and I definitely am not that way anymore. They were more worldly as little kids than my 3 currently at home.

With my three little ones now I would say I am different. I did more "peer-enting" with my older two just due to my young age. I feel more mom like now. I am still calm and consistent which is my natural personality anyway, but I am less inclined to allow certain behaviors, exposures and so forth that I did previously. So I guess I am different but I hadn't really given it much thought. 

[Annie G]

Nope. But I’m rocking it with my adult children and with the grandchildren.  So I guess that counts for something.

[hippiemamato3]

9 hours ago, Tap said:

No. Because my kid's needs outweighed my abilities. I had to choose one child's needs over another child's so often, that I think I royally screwed up one childhood, to protect the other.  There have been soooooo many sacrifices.  So much hurt and tears. So much emotional devastation.  I have often said that living in our home was like living in an abusive marriage. It was just a child inflicting the abuse, not the adult.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD from raising this child.  So no.....I am not the parent, nor even the person I thought I would be.

My older kids understand.  But it doesn't change the reality. I have often wondered if this constant turmoil and stress is part of the root of DD19s neurological, chronic health issue. 

 

I wrote something a few posts up that was very similar. We have one child with RAD; the rest of us have been diagnosed with PTSD. It's a living nightmare.

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I’ve always said that Jesus himself could’ve patented my kid and she’s still be a difficult kid. 

 

Its doubly hard now that she’s 20. Knows everything and has decided that all her struggles are the fault of her parents. Inside I know it’s not true and we did the best we could but it’s so hard to feel that, iykwim.

the idea that child-rearing was all nurture was so well accepted as a given for so long - but it's simply not true.

my sister  (two daughters, eight years apart.)  very much embraced that all differences between boys and girls was environmental and how they were socialized. (as well as how kids behave period was all environmental) . . .  I cracked up very hard when she told about how she was dissuaded of that notion.  she took three 12 year old boys out in a canoe.  can you say - reality check?

the fact is- some kids are just hard, and in the end - kids make their own choices.   we can encourage and hopefully have positive influence - but again, in the end - kids make their own choices.  

I've known young people who were hell on wheels growing up - and somehow, turned out ok.  I've known young people who were delightful, joy to their parents - and totally went off the deep end in adulthood.  (and i'm talking 30's.)

so - again - in the end, kids make their own choices.

2 hours ago, learning123 said:

You are not alone. My husband's response to the challenge is that we chose to clean up the mess others made.

?? I purport to clean it up but am I really???

you're probably doing more good than you realize.  kids can sit in the background and give no indication they're even listening, but they are paying attention.

[BlsdMama]

On ‎5‎/‎19‎/‎2018 at 12:13 PM, Night Elf said:

Now that my kids are all young adults, I'm looking back at my parenting years and wondering if I ended the way I began. I actually changed my parenting style while my kids were young. I went from expecting obedience and children with perfect manners to a radical unschooling type parenting. I changed my expectations and my kids reacted favorably. They didn't become unruly or entitled. They never got the 'gimmees'. They were well behaved. It was a good change for us. I'm interested in seeing how they parent their own children.

I'm curious at what age you transitioned?  Could it be you laid foundation?

I've been at this gig long enough to transition through both ends of the spectrum and a lot of in between.  I'm finding that my relaxed parenting style is great for teens and tweens but a really poor choice for toddlers and preschoolers.  I'm back to routines and rules and structure because honestly?  My youngest children, at least the ones with strong personalities, tend towards being monsters if not reigned in.  On the other hand, relaxed parenting is essential with teens if the foundation of respect has been laid, IMO.  Those early foundational years really enabled me to coast for years with a lighter touch.  But I am looking at my youngest 4-5 and thinking, wow, if we don't really establish ground rules I am in for the miserable teen years people talk about.  Currently, with two teens in college and three more in the home, the teen years are my hands down favorite age.

[Night Elf]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I'm curious at what age you transitioned?  Could it be you laid foundation?

I've been at this gig long enough to transition through both ends of the spectrum and a lot of in between.  I'm finding that my relaxed parenting style is great for teens and tweens but a really poor choice for toddlers and preschoolers.  I'm back to routines and rules and structure because honestly?  My youngest children, at least the ones with strong personalities, tend towards being monsters if not reigned in.  On the other hand, relaxed parenting is essential with teens if the foundation of respect has been laid, IMO.  Those early foundational years really enabled me to coast for years with a lighter touch.  But I am looking at my youngest 4-5 and thinking, wow, if we don't really establish ground rules I am in for the miserable teen years people talk about.  Currently, with two teens in college and three more in the home, the teen years are my hands down favorite age.

My kids were young, maybe 5 and 7. I did not homeschool my oldest dd until the last two years of her high school because of custody arrangements. The transition was so easy for us. Basically I just started doing more with them and less schoolwork. I bought school related items like math blocks and workbooks and let them do whatever they wanted with them. We spent a lot of time playing and reading. We did play video games and watched tv, but I didn't see either as evil. From the first time we transitioned to high school, we alternated schoolwork being mandatory or not at all, but I kept up my parenting techniques of saying Yes to them when they asked for things. They did well with schoolwork when we did it but it always seemed so stupid so we went back to unschooling. However, high school scared me. I wanted my kids to have an accredited diploma, so starting at high school, they had required classes. My youngest actually went to a B&M high school and thrived. My other two graduated with diplomas from Keystone High School. 

We had wonderful times. I miss those days.

[readinmom]

I grew up believing that education was the gift I wanted to give to my children, but it's not something they care/ever cared about.  On that realm, I am a failure as a parent.  I also was not ready to to deal with dd's depression and anxiety when it hit during puberty.  Yeah, I could have handled this a lot better than I have.   

[Mom22ns]

On 5/19/2018 at 3:45 PM, DawnM said:

 

Yeah, that is me too. 

I have a spec. needs son who changed the way I parented more than anything else.  I am far more understanding and less rigid than I used to be.  I still have my moments, but it changed me.

Me too. He made me a much better parent than I would have been otherwise, but that doesn't mean I didn't do my share of messing up. 

[Ravin]

Nope. Mostly, I didn't think I'd feel so clueless. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, readinmom said:

I grew up believing that education was the gift I wanted to give to my children, but it's not something they care/ever cared about.  On that realm, I am a failure as a parent.  I also was not ready to to deal with dd's depression and anxiety when it hit during puberty.  Yeah, I could have handled this a lot better than I have.   

(((readinmom))

[umsami]

I never dreamed I'd have four kids.  The largest family I knew growing up had three, and that seemed huge.  LOL

I never dreamed that I would become angry at my kids.  The anger was a surprise to me, as I had never experienced that before.

I thought I'd be all Waldorf-y no TV.  LOL  Nope.  

Still, my kids surprise me in many ways, and I feel very blessed.   I'd like to think I'd do things differently, but reality is that I learned a lot on the way... .changed things up.... etc.

[TravelingChris]

Well not along time before I had kids in some ways, but in a lot of ways yes,just the same.  I originally thought I would be a career woman and my kids would go to private schools. Well private school was where both my own child and my foster child went when they were going to brick and mortar school.  I had always thought that homeschooling would be very neat though.  I used to see the ads for Calvert School in the back of Women's Day or Family Circle magazines my mom bought and thought it would be great to be homeschooled.  In most ways, both dh and I took my parents as examples of how to raise children-  more experience, less toys, lots of culture and natural science,  freedom of children, taking care of children medically even when difficult, lots of travel.  And yes, we did all those things.  The differences in my childhood and my kids was big anyway- since they moved frequently, overall we usually had more money, and my illnesses along with my husband's good health.  But I didn't have expectations on the kids like they would be a doctor or minister or something specific.  

Anyway, sure there were things we could have done better but I like focusing on the positive.  And we have good relations with all three adult children and each is a productive member of society so I am very grateful.