Was there anything in your childhood that has affected you negatively

[love2read]

as an adult (e.g., mean mother or other relationship problems, not enough activity or too much, bad books) and that you are trying to avoid with your children? Have you been able to overcome the negative effects? Do you think it has impacted on your relationship with your children? This seems to be an issue for most people but is probably more relevant for those of us that are with our children constantly. Just asking because I'm over 50 and still dealing with some childhood relationship problems in a small way.

[Frankie]

I am currently scanning all the photos from my father's estate. There's something about seeing them blown up on a computer that triggers the memory.

 

The first negative was the constant use of a leash on me. Yes, my mother put me in a harness and attached a leash. I hated it as a child, and seeing the pictures makes me cringe.

 

Apparently, as a child, I was a darter. That's why they had the leash for me. However, I just don't understand using a leash on a child on vacation. The photo that really got me was that of my Dad holding the leash (just like a dog) and my brother and two sisters walking on the beach. My brother would have been 13 at the time, my sister 12, and the other sister 7. Why on earth, with two adults, a teenager and a 12 year old on a wide-open beach, did they need to use a leash? It's not as if we were in a busy store, walking on sidewalks amongst tons of traffic. There were more than enough people to catch me if I darted. And it's not as if a 2 year old is going to swim far out into the ocean. In fact, we were all wearing coats, so I doubt that I would have gone into the ocean as it was cold.

 

The leash equates to control. I hate it when people try to control me. I hate feeling restrained. I think it made me a tad rebellious.

 

I don't think my mom really used that leash because I was a darter at all. She used the leash to have control. She was overwhelmed with four children, she was tired, and she wanted to make her life easier. I don't think that, I know that.

 

So to this day freedom is very high on my list. Freedom to move. Freedom to think. Freedom to be. The second I feel someone is starting to control me, I get very upset.

 

I think it's all due to the usage of the leash on me--in inappropriate ways.

 

In fairness, I guess I can see the value of a leash in certain circumstances, but it is not something I would ever employ.

 

Mom was a very controlling person her whole life. I've got lots of other things I could share, but I'll leave it at the leash.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I am happy with who I am. I have grown into a strong, confident woman. Intelligent and educated. Respected in my profession. I Have a great family, who I love and think are the best kids/husband for me. We "fit" each other perfectly. Everything in my past, good and bad, combined to create this woman I am, and I would not spend one moment regretting any of it.

[LisaKinVA]

#1 -- Being placed in a private middle school which offered no accomodations for students who may be a bit ahead of the average. I repeated (using the SAME texbooks, mind-you), math, science, and history that year. My parents refused to pull us out (it was bad for my younger brothers too), believing the administrator's refrain that "a year of review would be good for me." That began a year filled with discipline issues for my brothers and I, and a lot of resentment from me.

 

This experience (along with a few other ones along the way) greatly underscores my desire to meet my kids where they are, and as they age give them a bit more input into what they do. Review (for the sake of review, apart from needed reinforcement) is a mindless waste of time.

 

#2 -- Moving a LOT. No roots. No long-term friendships.

 

#3 -- Discipline when the purpose is to humiliate, and spanking as the *only* form of correction. Yelling all.the.time.

 

Those are my top 3.

[Home'scool]

My parents were a complete mess when I was growing up and I am still dealing with their "issues" with them today (although I think I am at the point where I will no longer be dealing with my mother. She is too toxic.)

 

As a mother in my own right, though, it has shown me what NOT to do. Whenever I doubt myself, or are unsure of what to do, I just do the exact opposite of what my mother would do and it will be the right path.

 

I can be aloof, which is probably a result of abandonment issues, but I am not aloof with my kids or husband. They get constant hugs and kisses and stability. Again, I do the opposite of my parents.

 

Children of alcoholics are raised around constant lying and inconsitent behavior, so I have a thing about always telling the truth and honoring my commitments. I take pride in being where I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to, and with whatever I am responsible for.

 

I chose to be a SAHM because I was left home alone so often. Never will my kids come home to an empty, dark house with no food.

 

I could go on, but basically I use my past as a lesson in strength. I ruined the first 18 years, but I will not let it ruin any more years. I draw strenght from doing better than what was done to me.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I think everyone has some negativity in their childhood, and that it's natural for this to impact their relationship with their children. Humanity is like that. Every childhood is an amalgamation of good and bad experiences, and every adult determines how to parent based at least in part on their own experiences.

[Garga]

My poor parents are VERY socially challenged. They're very bad in social situations. They're anxious, nervous, and generally end up saying the wrong thing. Therefore, my childhood was TOUGH at school. I had no clue about how to make friends, or even make normal small talk with anyone. I didn't learn all that until in my 20s. I am doing my best to show my kids how to behave around other people: the correct responses to normal small talk, the way to be kind to others who might be shy and awkward, etc.

[kewb]

My mother was/is a shining example of what not to do. Now, as a mother myself, I understand a lot more and have cut my mom some slack. I know she did the best she could with what she had. My childhood was filled with things but no emotional connections. My father was of the generation of men whose familial obligation was food on the table, roof over the heads, clothes on the back. My mother suffered from depression and no one got her any help (I see this now as an adult). My sister and I had a horrible relationship growing up as we had no example of how to relate from our parents.

 

I smother my kids in hugs and kisses. They do not doubt my love for them. They do not think they are an annoyance/interference/add your adjective here.

 

However, I have realized that while I had a laundry list of all the things I would do differently from my mother that my children will have their own list when they grow up. We all do the best we can with the tools we have.

[elegantlion]

I was bullied in school. Once by a boy at the bus stop who called me horrid names. I finally told my mom about it this year. Also by a girl in the 4th grade who made fun of me because of my hair. She was truly a snot, her mother was my middle school PE teacher and I hated this girl all through school. Taking PE from her mother was sheer torture.

 

It took me until I turned 40 to bring those emotions truly to surface. I knew they had impacted me, but I didn't realize everytime I looked in the mirror my sub conscious heard those ugly words.

 

ETA: I have avoided some of this with my ds simply by homeschooling. he is a delayed reader, mildly dyslexic, and I'm sure his sensitive nature would have been affected by being singled out in the classroom for having a disability.

[Highereducation]

I was involved in show business from a very young age - by my own choice. My parents never pushed me one way or the other, but they gave me the opportunities to pursue my dreams. I was a tough little kid, but as I got older the pressure of the business started to get to me and I ended up taking criticism very personally and getting to the point where I wanted to hide from the world.

 

After being a part of an industry where looks counted for almost everything and a few extra pounds or a patch of acne could mean the loss of a job, I have made sure from day one with my dd that she understands the incredible value of her individuality and talents regardless of what path she chooses in life.

 

Just a few weeks ago we were at a dog show (dd wants to be a Junior Handler when she is old enough) and one of the adult handlers made a comment about how dd will do well because she's got the "Cute Factor." It annoyed the heck out of me, but it also allowed me yet another opportunity to explain to my dd that it's what you do in this world that matters, not how you look while you're doing it.

[love2read]

while I had a laundry list of all the things I would do differently from my mother that my children will have their own list when they grow up.

Isn't that the truth.

 

My mother rejected me as a child and still does today, although she expects me to be the doting daughter. I think the reason this has effected me so deeply is that she appears to be perfectly normal, although rather cold, and has been a loving mother to my older sisters and brother. For years I was told this was my imagination and just felt myself to be a worthless, unloveable person as she told me, but in my late teens an older sister and a few aunts took me aside and told me that yes, she did treat me poorly and that I might be happier if I went to college in another state to get a break from her. I'm in my 50s now, have lovely, bright children, I have multiple master's degrees (Biology, Psychology, European History), was making 6 figures by my late 20s, but still I feel like a failure and worthless. I think that it is because I am still exposed to her rejection and despite some therapy 10 or 15 years ago, I'm not able to get rid of the feeling that I need to be accepted and loved by my mother. Talking to her hasn't helped because she is totally self-absorbed. My older siblings fed her self-absorption in a way that I didn't, so they were accepted and loved. I was the wrong baby at the wrong time.

 

I do what others have said and do the opposite of what my mother did. I hug and kiss all my children and try to spend equal time each of them. I make sure to tell them directly that I love them and to show it though my voice and actions. No one is left out of group activities and each one is supported in their interests. I never talk behind their backs to each other. Each one is recognized for the little and big things that they do.

 

It has been good to read these posts and makes me feel less alone.

[mrsdash]

I make sure to tell my girls several times a day that I love them and I hug and kiss them. I let them know that I like when they're around.

I don't drink alcohol.

Those are the things I do differently.

[LG Gone Wild]

as an adult (e.g., mean mother or other relationship problems, not enough activity or too much, bad books) and that you are trying to avoid with your children? Have you been able to overcome the negative effects? Do you think it has impacted on your relationship with your children? This seems to be an issue for most people but is probably more relevant for those of us that are with our children constantly. Just asking because I'm over 50 and still dealing with some childhood relationship problems in a small way.

 

Yes, everything but what of it? :D

 

Dust off and resolve to be less of jerk or whatever. That's my motto anyway. :001_smile:

[Jenny in Florida]

My parents dumped me into the local public schools and left me there because of their political/social convictions. I was highly gifted and quite a nerd and was completely miserable. Eventually, I just burned out and tuned out and essentially dropped out of high school with a lot of baggage I acquired along the way. Certainly, those experiences informed our decision to homeschool.

 

My parents were also extremely permissive, which translated to me into frustration and insecurity in not knowing where the boundaries were, etc. I'm sure that has much to do with our parenting choices.

 

My mother was entirely too close to me and dependent on me, emotionally. By the time I was a young teen, I knew way more about my parents' relaitonship than I should have. And I can't count the number of hours I put in listening to my mother's problems and talking her through them. I resolved early on that I was NOT going to be my kids' friend. I'm their mother, because that's way more important and special.

 

Oh, gosh, I could go on. But what I really wanted to say was that I decided a long time ago that I can't rewrite those stories. All I can do is to try to, as Gandhi said, "be the change I want to be in the world." I can't repair my own past, but I can make sure my kids' present and future is different, better. So, I have chosen to put all of the energy generated by my own disappointments and resentments into being a better mom, myself.

[Jen in PA]

My mother did the labeling thing, and it was very detrimental for me and my sister, who is 17 months younger. I was an early reader and a bookworm, and she turned that into me being "the smart quiet one," while my sister was left with "outgoing and more physically inclined." It's pretty bizarre to us now, because my sister is very bright and needs her downtime away from people, while I am pretty extroverted. Neither one of us is terribly athletic, although my mother seemed to feel that one of us ought to be, and one ought not to be.... I know she thought she was being helpful by giving us each a role and a place that fit in with her view of the world, but I make sure I do not label my kids. I try to praise them for being kind, observant, etc., but I try not to go much beyond that for fear that they will end up trying to act out scripted roles the way I did growing up.

[Daisy]

Yes. I don't like to talk about it, honestly.

 

I know though that my children already have a healthier childhood than I did.

 

I love them dearly.

[Tap]

Two major things.

 

I am the product of a second marriage for both of my parents. My dad was adamant that he wanted another child, my mom didn't any more but she gave in. My mom had four kids born in 5 years ( she also lost one in the middle at birth or there would be 5 in 5 years). Then I came along 6 years later, and she was very, very done, mentally, having kids before that. I always felt that she really didn't want me. I know she loved me but she never put any effort into raising me. I just kind of existed amid the older kids. They were very close, especially because of thier ages, and I was too young to matter much to them.

 

Then when the 3 of the older kids left home we moved a lot. I went to 9 schools between 4th and 9th grade. I loved to travel the USA when I was a kid but I really see how it affected me by the lack of friends and being so much younger than my older sibs. I don't seem to form very deep bonds with people. I have friends who come and go, but no One best friend.

[Plucky]

It used to bother me. I've forgiven my parents most of their mistakes and yes, my parenting choices are the opposite of theirs. My parents did the best they could, both addicts and from dysfunctional families. They were such broken people in survival mode during my childhood. I wish my mother would get over her own "mother issues" though. Loving my mother as best I can is reaching her. My lifestyle choices were abhorrent to her and she probably still thinks I'm odd, but she's seeing the fruit of my choices in my kids. I wish she were happier, for her and our relationship.

 

ETA: Sometimes I take out little parts of my childhood and dissect and mourn it. I think that's natural. It rarely happens anymore, but I think it's normal.

Edited November 13, 2008 by True Blue

[homeschoolmom]

Yes very much so in multiple ways, details unimportant.

 

As a result, DD is rarely far out of my sight. As she grows older and more mature and better able to protect herself she is allowed more freedom but I keep a close watch. DH understands and supports my perspective but if he felt differently that would be tough noogies as I feel that strongly about it.

 

That said, I'm of the belief that one should not dwell on these things but recognize them and move on. Stuff happens to everyone and you have to deal or let it deal with you. I would simply strive to protect DD from needing to make any of those choices at a young age (or ever but that's not realistic).

[swellmomma]

Yes, some from my parents, such as being exceptionally critical on me, refusing to let me participate in extra currics unless it was baseball which I hate(but both parents love), I wanted so bad to dance and take music lessons, they refused, eventually I joined the school band and they teased me constantly telling me how horrible I was, making me practice outside(our winters hit -40). As I became a teen, my mom especially was horrid, telling me when she found out I was being regularily raped by my boyfriend that I brought it on myself and deserved what I got. In fact things haven't changed much she is still a b****. But it has really negatively impacted my life. I am a major mess up as a mother because I don't know how to keep my cool and respond with grace when the kids mess up, I turn into my mother screaming at them. After getting tested as an adult it has been determined that I have been dealing with depression since I was 10 years old, and have adhd. BOth of which were never treated growing up, but gave my parents more ammunition to destroy my self esteem by telling me I was lazy, stupid, incapable etc. My sister was always the pretty one, my brother the smart one, I was the black sheep never wanted. (point proven when my mother told me she should have aborted me like she did my older sibling)

 

Add that at home to the bullies I dealt with in school, my abusive ex boyfriends etc and it is little wonder I trust no one, have no friends and homeschool the kids(though they were in ps for a while), and remain a single parent. I work from home, unable to deal with even the smallest criticism from bosses in other jobs. I am dealing with the ghosts of my past, and working through the emotional side, but it runs very deep. It is amazing how much is impacts someone future, which scares teh crap out of my for my kids, because I hear my mom coming out of my mouth far too often and don't want them feeling like I have my whole life.

[Guest janainaz]

I think most of the negative things of my childhood have affected me in a positive way now. But, there may be areas that I can't see objectively. I do question my judgement as a mother because I did not have a good role model in any way. I want to keep my sons from experiencing pain and that is not always good. When you want to make sure your kids don't experience the hurts that you did, sometimes you can create new problems. So, I do try keep my ears, eyes and heart open and keep in mind that my perspective is not always right. Even with homeschooling, I question my motives and ask God to help me do what is right for my sons. We think we know why we do what we do, but I think having wisdom requires us to dig deeper and think about things from as many angles as possible.

[LilyK]

Lots! Mostly my parents' raging fighting. It would get physica via punching walls, breaking furniture. I think that I have anger issues today. DH has been the best medicine for that, often putting a mirror in front of my behaviour so that I can step and say whoa, I don't want to be like my parents. However, they were really, really wonderful parents in so many other ways. I try not to dwell on the negative memories. I have too many positive memories to offset them.

[love2read]

I hear my mom coming out of my mouth far too often and don't want them feeling like I have my whole life..

They won't. I visited your blog and you do so much for and with your children that they can't help but realize how much you love them even if you slip up occasionally. :grouphug:

[CalicoKat]

just realized this last week. . . .

 

I was held back in 6th grade because I was a bit behind in History and Science. . ., huh?!

 

As a homeschooling parent I finally realized how a lazy teacher's decision impacted me all these years. The class I was put in--I was the oldest, forever the one who "flunked" (even though I never actually did), and I was always socially the outcast.

 

The class I was taken from advanced and to them I was "too young."

 

And being in a boarding school it was cruel because I lived with all these people for months at a time. It wasn't until one of my sister's classmates recently was shocked that I was only 3 years younger than that I put this all together. I was more mature than the class I was put with, and completely in a different social group than the kids my age and maturity leve.

 

A veritable fish out of water.

[kalanamak]

Mean, belittling kids. I still clam up when confronted by hostile jerks.

[lynn]

My dad was a teaser and at time relentless. I do not tease my children and do not allow my father to if I hear it when they are around him.

 

The other thing I still issues with is uprooting from my perfet New England home to the scuzzy south fl. It did not make me who I am today or have anything positive impact. It was horrible there. No real yard, no real freinds, no snow, no trees with leaves that change each season, no sledding, ice skating. Just concrete, strip mall after concrete strip mall, humidity, bugs, bugs, bugs, humidity, bugs, humidity. Mother actually admitted a few years ago that it was a bad move but in the late 70's it was the place to go. Thank God my dh rescued me and got me out of that pit.

[sandellie4]

Most of the time I don't dwell on my childhood. My mother was abusive and then abandoned me to my father when I was 10. She died of cirrhosis when I was 21. I spent years in therapy, starting from when my own children reached the age of 3, when all of my feelings of terror came back to me in waves (I'd always had the memories but apparently had held back on some of the feelings). I've had years of therapy and have finished mourning my childhood for the most part. I mean, I sometimes feel a twinge when I see other parents relating so well to their children; sometimes, still, I want a mother. Now my husband and I take in children, as fosters and adoptees, because I think I know a little of how they feel. Many of the ones we've taken in have had disabilities and some have been rejected as "broken" by their own parents. I hope that in some small way, by loving them, they will see how special they are. But then, as one of you mentioned earlier in the posts, my own kids have their list of grievances, too. It's not too bad, shorter than my list, which makes me hope I did okay overall. But then other times I think, well, maybe they are just less inclined to be resentful and hold grudges. I love them with all my heart, all of our children, and I let them know as often as I can how much I enjoy having them with me. If I die in some accident or something, if I abandon them against my will somehow, I want them to know how I feel about them. Sandy

[emeraldjoy]

Many things happened when I was a kid; however, probably the most detremental (sp?) was:

Going to sleep at night convinced that if I died in my sleep I would go to hell because I was bad.

I had (and still have to) step outside of that fear and those lies to be able to have a relationship with He who can help me the most.

e