Would you expect your spouse to read your school assignment without asking?

[Arcadia]

Guess what? He deletes his! I am dead serious.

My oldest told me how to go incognito mode on the browsers when he was very young. I told him that my husband and I knew about that function for a long time.

 

My husband would ask before reading our stuff but if any of us has an assignment printed out and lying around, it would get briefly looked at by whoever picked it up to figure out ownership.

[katilac]

To my mind, if they didn't have anything to hide, why would they care if their husbands snooped? If my DH wants to waste his time looking at all the boring stuff on my computer and/or phone, he can knock himself out.

 

Some of us have non-boring stuff on the computer, lol. dh is aware that I read and write lots of things on the computer that are of dubious moral and literary value, but he doesn't get to search my history for the specifics each day (we use different browsers, and I make sure private things don't show up in "recent documents" and such). If he's that interested, he can get his own Tumblr account  :P

 

Plus, it's the same as the cops searching my car without cause. Why do I care? Because I have rights. I don't need to be hiding something in order to exercise my right to privacy. 

[Elizabeth86]

Agreed.

 

If he saw it under "recent documents" or something, it wouldn't bother me that he read it. If he actually checked my history on purpose, that would be weird and invasive.

This is what I was thinking. Big difference imo. I don't think I would mind if he read it, but I wouldn't want him to tell me he did. idk why really, but...

 

I'm not a great writer and I hate people reading what I write. At least he told you, so I wouldn't think he was trying to be a snoop. Still, I wouldn't mind the snooping, I just wouldn't want to know.

 

oh and I'm suspicious my dh reads my posts here as several issues I have complained about on here have been resolved and we never talked about it. If that's true, I don't mind one bit if he snoops because well...that's awesome I hate talking about stuff and it's nice that things have changed. I'm mostly kidding...

Edited January 19, 2018 by Elizabeth86

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

I totally understand why you posted even if some others here may not.  Sometimes it helps to get a reality check.  Sometimes you are so entrenched in a situation you aren't sure your reactions are entirely on track with the actual magnitude of the situation.  Is this really super minor and I'm overreacting or is this a bigger issue and I have reason for concern/irritation/frustration/anger?

 

DH and I do not share a computer so I would find him deliberately logging on to my computer and searching my history just to search my history and essentially "spy" on me without my knowledge an invasive action.  I would not search his history for the same reason.  It would seem invasive.  Things he wants to share with me he shares.  All.the.time.  He is big on sharing.  LOL.  I share stuff with him, too.  But it is our choice what we share.  We don't snoop around each other's histories unless one of us specifically ASKS the other to do so or we have to look something up and happen to see the history.  

 

Sharing a computer makes that a bit trickier.  Maybe your DH was just really bored and curious without deliberately being a "spying" action looking for incriminating evidence of something.  However, based on past posts, I would not be happy in your situation.  The fact that he deletes his own history would also not necessarily concern me except for the concerns you have expressed in past posts.  I think, as do some others on this thread, that his actions indicate a deeper underlying negative dynamic than just him reading a class assignment without your permission and making a positive comment. In your situation I would be unhappy.  

 

Any chance that at some point you could get your own laptop?

[eternalsummer]

I suppose I am just curious. I can't say that I consider this a huge failing in the great scheme of things, though I realize some people find it nosy.   I'd not likely find anything that disappointed me - I think if I thought I would, I certainly wouldn't look.

 

Anyway, as far as reading things my dh left on the computer, I might look at his history or work, if I happened to be there anyway.  I'd tend to assume that anything really private would be in a place I'd not be able to see.

 

I just wanted to say that I too have an inclination to look at people's cabinets and bathroom supplies and etc.  I just really like seeing all of their things, the way they organize things and the things they have and how it all fits together.  I never thought of a linen closet as particularly private - and to be fair, the only houses I think I've been in in the last few years are of close relatives.

 

Similarly, I like looking in people's windows at night - the ones they leave open, and there's a light on, and you're walking past on the way back from the bus stop, and you can sort of glance in and see the flowers they have on the table and how their living room furniture is arranged and the way they do the lighting in their daylight basement.

 

My grandmother in law, when she lived in her own house, had a magnificent linen closet - she'd saved sheets from the 60s, I think, all the way through, and had matching sets of different colors and linens from the various countries they'd visited in their retirement.  Her bathroom cabinet had all kinds of 20+ year old things - bandaids and gauze wrap and ointments that no one uses anymore, or has for a decade.  She had a few different sets of dishes and the best pantry I've ever seen - no snack food really, unless you count raisins, but everything you could want to cook anything, and the cookbooks to match.

 

I dunno.

 

Anyway, Bluegoat, you can come look in my bathroom cabinets :)  

[Bluegoat]

I just wanted to say that I too have an inclination to look at people's cabinets and bathroom supplies and etc.  I just really like seeing all of their things, the way they organize things and the things they have and how it all fits together.  I never thought of a linen closet as particularly private - and to be fair, the only houses I think I've been in in the last few years are of close relatives.

 

Similarly, I like looking in people's windows at night - the ones they leave open, and there's a light on, and you're walking past on the way back from the bus stop, and you can sort of glance in and see the flowers they have on the table and how their living room furniture is arranged and the way they do the lighting in their daylight basement.

 

My grandmother in law, when she lived in her own house, had a magnificent linen closet - she'd saved sheets from the 60s, I think, all the way through, and had matching sets of different colors and linens from the various countries they'd visited in their retirement.  Her bathroom cabinet had all kinds of 20+ year old things - bandaids and gauze wrap and ointments that no one uses anymore, or has for a decade.  She had a few different sets of dishes and the best pantry I've ever seen - no snack food really, unless you count raisins, but everything you could want to cook anything, and the cookbooks to match.

 

I dunno.

 

Anyway, Bluegoat, you can come look in my bathroom cabinets :)  

 

We must think the same - this are the things that move me too.  There is nothing quite so wonderful as a beautifully organized cabinet, and I love walking by a house at night and seeing an interior that I'd love to explore.  My city is older so there are lots of places like that in certain parts of the city, where the windows are right on the sidewalk.  I get moulding envy whenever I walk around in those places.

[Miss Peregrine]

 

 

 

Sharing a computer makes that a bit trickier.  Maybe your DH was just really bored and curious without deliberately being a "spying" action looking for incriminating evidence of something.  However, based on past posts, I would not be happy in your situation.  The fact that he deletes his own history would also not necessarily concern me except for the concerns you have expressed in past posts.  I think, as do some others on this thread, that his actions indicate a deeper underlying negative dynamic than just him reading a class assignment without your permission and making a positive comment. In your situation I would be unhappy.  

 

Any chance that at some point you could get your own laptop?

We use the same browser, even. So when he delete his history, he is deleting mine, too. It is so aggravating.  There is a lot going on that is concerning, I agree. I was told that it was "awfully suspicious" that I wanted so much privacy, and then the passive-aggressive, "You can have all the privacy you want now. I will never ask you anything again." :svengo:

[Miss Peregrine]

We must think the same - this are the things that move me too.  There is nothing quite so wonderful as a beautifully organized cabinet, and I love walking by a house at night and seeing an interior that I'd love to explore.  My city is older so there are lots of places like that in certain parts of the city, where the windows are right on the sidewalk.  I get moulding envy whenever I walk around in those places.

I love looking in people's windows at night. By leaving the curtains open and leaving the light on, they are practically begging for people to look. :lol:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

We use the same browser, even. So when he delete his history, he is deleting mine, too. It is so aggravating.  There is a lot going on that is concerning, I agree. I was told that it was "awfully suspicious" that I wanted so much privacy, and then the passive-aggressive, "You can have all the privacy you want now. I will never ask you anything again." :svengo:

I hope you can get your own computer sometime.

[OneStepAtATime]

We use the same browser, even. So when he delete his history, he is deleting mine, too. It is so aggravating.  There is a lot going on that is concerning, I agree. I was told that it was "awfully suspicious" that I wanted so much privacy, and then the passive-aggressive, "You can have all the privacy you want now. I will never ask you anything again." 

:grouphug:

 

Yes he is trying to toss it back on you.  It cannot possibly be his own issues that are the problem.  It must be you and you just don't understand him and have now hurt his feelings.  :glare:

 

Try not to let his issues twist your reality.  (That can be hard to do.)

 

If at all possible I would work to get your own laptop.  

[fralala]

My husband had no privacy growing up. How shocked I was when he would do things like open my mail. Privacy to me is sacrosanct.

 

The problem is not different opinions about what should and should not be private. The problem is when you say, "Hey, I don't like it when you look through my history and read my writing without talking to me about it first," and he says, "Hey, you're a lucky woman to be married to me, because I care enough to do that, and nice work, honey."

 

That is not the appropriate response to someone saying they're annoyed. The appropriate response is, always, acknowledging that their feelings matter, even if you disagree and actually think you're pretty perfect and so how could anything you do bother anybody?

 

I'm sorry that happened. I hope your guy shapes up. If he's snooping on here and reading this thread, I hope he'll let us know so we can have a good chat with him. It's not that his opinions and feelings don't matter. It's that his denial of yours is frustrating, and makes it hard to resolve the problem. I guess that's why we vent.

[Kassia]

I just wanted to say that I too have an inclination to look at people's cabinets and bathroom supplies and etc.  I just really like seeing all of their things, the way they organize things and the things they have and how it all fits together.  I never thought of a linen closet as particularly private - and to be fair, the only houses I think I've been in in the last few years are of close relatives.

 

 

 

OP - it's the snooping that would bother me.  I'm sorry he doesn't understand that.  

 

I wouldn't want (or expect) someone to look through my cabinets and bathroom supplies!  My feeling is that, if it's behind a cabinet or closet door, it's private unless someone tells you to go behind the door for something.  And that goes for close relatives, too, but I'm really big on privacy.  My mom was a big snooper.

[Miss Peregrine]

My husband had no privacy growing up. How shocked I was when he would do things like open my mail. Privacy to me is sacrosanct.

 

The problem is not different opinions about what should and should not be private. The problem is when you say, "Hey, I don't like it when you look through my history and read my writing without talking to me about it first," and he says, "Hey, you're a lucky woman to be married to me, because I care enough to do that, and nice work, honey."

 

That is not the appropriate response to someone saying they're annoyed. The appropriate response is, always, acknowledging that their feelings matter, even if you disagree and actually think you're pretty perfect and so how could anything you do bother anybody?

 

I'm sorry that happened. I hope your guy shapes up. If he's snooping on here and reading this thread, I hope he'll let us know so we can have a good chat with him. It's not that his opinions and feelings don't matter. It's that his denial of yours is frustrating, and makes it hard to resolve the problem. I guess that's why we vent.

Exactly. This is what I tried to convey to him. I know it's futile and I am wasting my breath even explaining anything to him but I feel I must when these things are done in front of my children.

[Jean in Newcastle]

OP - it's the snooping that would bother me.  I'm sorry he doesn't understand that.  

 

I wouldn't want (or expect) someone to look through my cabinets and bathroom supplies!  My feeling is that, if it's behind a cabinet or closet door, it's private unless someone tells you to go behind the door for something.  And that goes for close relatives, too, but I'm really big on privacy.  My mom was a big snooper.

 

Yes.  It doesn't seem that hard to me to understand that if there is a closed door (and it isn't your house or someone hasn't given you permission) then you don't open it. 

 

A lighted window with no curtains is not the same expectation unless you are hiding in the bushes and are peering in.  If so, please don't admit it here but seek immediate help. 

[Sneezyone]

If it were a shared computer, I wouldn’t batt and eyelash. We’d both have files in the ‘recent’ menu. If it were my personal computer, I would find that odd and a bit intrusive since he doesn’t have the password. I’d be asking which one if the kids gave me up, lol. They’re the only other people with the magic code.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Sneezyone

[Kanin]

We use the same browser, even. So when he delete his history, he is deleting mine, too. It is so aggravating.  There is a lot going on that is concerning, I agree. I was told that it was "awfully suspicious" that I wanted so much privacy, and then the passive-aggressive, "You can have all the privacy you want now. I will never ask you anything again." :svengo:

 

Sorry, that's really aggravating. My husband sometimes says things like that when he's upset, and I can't stand that level of over-dramatizing. Maybe they just can't deal with their emotions?

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited January 23, 2018 by rozes

[marbel]

Yes.  It doesn't seem that hard to me to understand that if there is a closed door (and it isn't your house or someone hasn't given you permission) then you don't open it. 

 

A lighted window with no curtains is not the same expectation unless you are hiding in the bushes and are peering in.  If so, please don't admit it here but seek immediate help. 

 

I agree.  

 

But now I know why some kids who came to my house had no hesitation to open cabinet doors, closets, and doors to rooms.  They must have seen their parents doing it in people's houses.  

 

Honestly I'm shocked that people think it's OK to open someone's cabinets and such, uninvited.   Makes me not want to have company - or to keep them under close supervision when they're here. Which is kind of hard when they need to use the bathroom.  Or, do they really need to... or just want to snoop?  

 

When I walk at night, I do look into houses, because people who leave their blinds/curtains open when it's dark outside are aware that people can see in. (That's why I close mine.)

 

A woman I used to know said she left her blinds open at night on purpose. She wanted people walking by to see a family eating dinner together, hanging out in the living room together, just being a family together.  

Edited January 20, 2018 by marbel