I really need my dd(12) to fly with me to Boston in march

[lynn]

She has flown a few times but only one that she remembers and besides some ear discomfort it was a good flight. Now she has anxiety about flying and is asking to drive instead. 21/hours driving vs 4-5 hour travel time. I rather fly and spend more time with family. We are mostly going too visit my aunt who is not doing well. She wants to go but the thought of flying is causing anxiety. Ideas.

[poppy]

Does she know flying is 5x safer than driving?

 

When I started flying, I comforted myself by looking at the sheer number of flights per day. The plane I take to visit my mom goes on that trip 5 days a week , 4 times a day , every day for the past 10 years. And never a problem. Flying ‘feels’ riskier but is absolutely 100% zero question safer than driving.

[3 ladybugs]

I agree with the PP. Doing it is the only way to get over a phobia. I have a fear of birds and I, in some ways, wish I was forced to interact with them when I was younger. Now that I am my age, and I have developed ways to avoid them, I would rather do that. 

 

However saying all of that can I just say that it is amazing that Boston seems to be in a 5 hour time warp of some kind? My DH was working in NJ when I met him. His job was being transferred to Boston and when he would go up there it didn't matter how he went, plane, train or auto, it was ALWAYS 5 hours away. Didn't know it was the same way for other parts of the country! I hope you have fun up there even if your aunt isn't doing well. Boston always has a special spot in my heart. ;)

[katilac]

Anxiety is so difficult! It's hard to know when to push through and when you have to defer to it, because honestly it might come down to her not being able to get on the plane. 

 

How do you feel about bribery? And Xanax? 

 

Seriously. Because I have managed to bribe my kids past some anxiety through the years, and one of them has used medication for panic attacks on occasion. 

 

You have some time, which works in your favor. Can you go to the airport and so some desensitizing? Do you live in an area where you could attempt a short, cheap flight beforehand? 

[EKS]

I would just tell her that driving isn't an option.  She will probably calm down once she realizes that flying is really boring the vast majority of the time.

[eternalsummer]

I have some airplane anxiety, but I also have riding in cars anxiety so it's mostly a wash.

 

I vote drugs and bribes, honestly.  

 

For me, and I don't know about your daughter, part of the anxiety about flying is putting your trust in someone you don't know to keep you safe in what feels like a perilous situation.  It helps me a bit to think to myself, this pilot is almost certainly better at flying planes than I am at driving a car.  I am safer here than I am driving myself (or I guess you would tell her that the pilot is statistically likely to be much better at flying planes than you are at driving, and other pilots flying other planes are also much better at flying planes than other drivers on the road are at driving).  It may help her to meet the pilot, if that is possible on the way in - they usually look like pretty trustworthy folk.

 

All of that said, if I were flying in a particularly anxiety-inducing situation (over water, gah) and weren't responsible for little people, I would totally take an anti-anxiety drug.  And I am a person who largely views mind drugs as an absolute last resort.

 

Distraction helps some too.  New book?

 

 

[katilac]

Another thought: is it mostly you going to visit the aunt, and her coming along? If so, I might tell her that driving is not an option for this trip. That you understand that her anxiety is real, but you have to fly. If you can get refundable tickets, I'd go ahead and buy her a ticket if she is willing to try, and just have someone at the airport to take her home if she can't do it. 

 

I would do this in a very matter-of-fact, non-punitive manner. I know you have this anxiety, but I need to make this trip to see my aunt, and driving is not going to work. If you can't do it, that's unfortunate, but it's okay and the world goes on. We'll work on that fear long-term as needed.

 

For some things, my kids are able to deal with the unpleasant effects of anxiety. For other things, they just can't, and that's okay, but arrangements can't always be changed for that reason. Again, you want to be very careful to not present it as some kind of punishment, but just the facts of the situation. 

 

If she herself is very close to this aunt, I would approach it differently. 

[Joker]

I can get on a plane just fine but I cannot fly. I always think I will be fine but I am not. I was able to for years but no more. I have awful panic attacks now while in flight and cannot do it. Drugs don't help and neither has therapy. It's just something I can't do anymore. Thankfully, we love road trips and dh, and dc, don't ask me to. We've done cross country road trips and we just plan for every trip to be in a car. So, I wouldn't push something like a flight as I know how I feel once I'm trapped on there and can't get out. 

[Miss Peregrine]

For me, I know that driving is exponentially more dangerous than flying but that means nothing to me. A car accident is just that, an accident and unexpected. If the plane is going down, you know. It's the anxiety of all the chaos and panic that would be going on.

 

I don't have any advice. I did face my fear and fly alone in October and it helped me a little.

[KungFuPanda]

I’m always in denial. Luckily it makes it easy to get on the plane each time but I’m always surprised at how SURE I am that the tiniest bit of turbulence means death. It sounds so silly now, but I get so scared at take-off, landing, and any bumps along no the way.

 

I’d take her to her ped and get a Rx for the flight. I never do. I always regret it.

[J-rap]

I'd not list driving as an option.  Try and help her get over her anxiety, because her ability to fly could affect her future, her marriage, her family.   What helped my kids at that age (about various things) was knowing actual facts.  For example, the safety of flying, and that turbulence is actually perfectly normal.  Plan some fun things to do on the airplane.  Bring along a gift that she can open mid-flight, and buy a new book that she can't read until she's on the airplane.  Look over and choose meal plans ahead of time.   Have lunch at the airport before you leave.  Whatever it takes.  Be light-hearted.  

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

My dad (a small planes pilot) has reminded me many times that the most dangerous part of a flight is the first and last 3 minutes.  I find I am more nervous with each flight (it used to be truly no big deal, but I think having kids makes me more aware of all of our mortality).  So I allow myself to be pretty tense for 3 minutes after the wheels lift off (I literally watch my watch), then I tell myself we're good to go.  I usually don't get to be tense for the last three minutes because invariably, one of my kids ends up vomiting during descent.  Fun times!  

 

Really though, I would try to just comfort her through it- favorite candy bar for take off, a new book or a movie on a tablet, etc.  

 

As everyone has pointed out, it is statistically safer to fly.

[HomeAgain]

Yep, get some sort of medication.

 

I have anxiety when I fly.  I hate it with a passion, and if I go over water I have to pass out.  Water flights make me want to climb the wall.  But I travel with headphones, a comfort item (a thin blanket), and sudoku. I have a routine on planes where I immediately look for exits, emergency equipment, and know how my seat floats.  And then I block out everything around me until the drink cart comes around and I get a ginger ale.

 

If I could take the train everywhere, I would.  I much prefer trains.

[poppy]

When you are on the plane, it can help to look at the other passengers.  They're bored.  Flying is tedious.  That context clue helped calm me down the first couple of times.

 

Honestly I'm  amazed anyone is less upset about driving accidents than almost-unheard of possibility of a commuter jet crashing.  I think you have to go through it to really get how traumatizing  a serious car accident is.   The accident, you forget. It's the ICU that haunts me, and the pain, and the long recovery, and the things that never really get better.  It's really, really horrible.  Life changing bad horrible.  I fly any chance I get , I  still hate being in a car.

[gardenmom5]

I'm currently tracking 1 & 2 ds in the air (finally took off!)

she might find this site interesting.  you can zoom in and out.  highlight the planes for details.  or input a flight #.

it will show both history and future schedule for the flights.

she can see the sheer number of planes in the air at anyone time.  it does show elevation - as planes can seem to be in the same place, but have several thousand feet between them.

 

[gardenmom5]

have you talked to her about why she's anxious?

at this age, I would also do a: this is how we're traveling.  let her help pick a game/book/video- and snacks to take on the plane.  maybe even a snazzy water bottle to fill when you're past security.

[Miss Peregrine]

When you are on the plane, it can help to look at the other passengers. They're bored. Flying is tedious. That context clue helped calm me down the first couple of times.

 

Honestly I'm amazed anyone is less upset about driving accidents than almost-unheard of possibility of a commuter jet crashing. I think you have to go through it to really get how traumatizing a serious car accident is. The accident, you forget. It's the ICU that haunts me, and the pain, and the long recovery, and the things that never really get better. It's really, really horrible. Life changing bad horrible. I fly any chance I get , I still hate being in a car.

Anxiety doesn't have to be rational.

 

 

OP, I did remember one thing from October. Whenever there was turbulence I looked at the flight attendants. If they were nonchalant, then I could tell myself that it was not a big deal.

[J-rap]

I wanted to add to this thread after browsing the news today:

 

"Not one person died in an accident on a commercial passenger jet the entire year, the safest year ever, according to two airline safety groups."

[wintermom]

I think you have an excellent situation to use this situation as a learning opportunity with your dd. You have a goal, to help an ailing relative, and a hurdle, specifically ear pain when flying. Most people do experience some ear pain when flying, and it doesn't have to be a reason to stop flying.  Ear pain because of different in pressure is definitely uncomfortable, and some conditions make it worse. However, there are many ways to deal with this. You can start out by going to the dr to see if her ears have something physical which would make the pressure significant. 

 

Then you can recreate scenarios where she experiences higher pressure in the ears, so she learns how to tolerate it. Just go to a swimming pool with a deep diving tank and practice swimming down underwater slowly to experience the increased water pressure which causes some ear pain.  As soon as you come back up to the surface, the pain goes away. Do this enough times, and ear pain isn't as scary, especially knowing that it can be resolved pretty quickly. On an airplane, often just chewing gum or swallowing hard resolves the pressure difference and the pain disappears.

 

Good luck!

[shawthorne44]

There was a couple of times that I had sinus congestion that I just hadn't noticed.  It made clearing my ears impossible and caused a great deal of pain.  After that I always took quick acting Sudafed about 2 hours before the expected arrival time.   It would open me up enough that I could clear easily.   Of course, you also have to avoid decongestants before the flight.  

[maize]

I wanted to add to this thread after browsing the news today:

 

"Not one person died in an accident on a commercial passenger jet the entire year, the safest year ever, according to two airline safety groups."

As compared to approximately 40,000 automobile accident deaths every year.

[creekland]

I fly on Sudafed.  I scuba dive on it too.  It does wonders for ears that don't like to clear.  If she didn't like the ear pain, it's worth a try.

 

I believe it MUST be the original Sudafed med - pseudoephedrine I believe (spelling could be way off).  I buy Walmart's generic 12 hour version.  You have to get it from the prescription line, but it's not a prescription med.  They just keep it there due to too many idiots wanting to use it for other purposes...

 

It only took one 12 1/2 hour flight for me to appreciate how well it works (because it had worn off by the descent causing a bit of ear and chest pain).  I did not forget to retake it on (as well as before) the return flight!