Favors and strings

[sangtarah]

What would be your response to the following situation?

 

Spouse will be out of town, so you ask for a grandparent to come help. They say “sure, if....â€

(grandparent lives in another state)

 

The “if†in our scenario is to take 2 oldest dds to their house for the week before Christmas. We are not inclined to do this. We already spend Christmas at their house. Our own family traditions would get forced out. Beyond that, I’m not inclined to accept help that comes with strings.

 

At the same time, I do intend to let my dds spend time at their grandparents house at some point. I’m just not sure this is the best time.

 

Of course, we just saw them last week and this week we are all sick, so my perspective on traveling isn’t favorable at the moment.

[JustEm]

"Oh that week won't work for us, sorry. I guess we'll just make do without the help."

 

I would not offer another more convenient time as an option because the strings attached would annoy me.

[mommyoffive]

"Oh that week won't work for us, sorry. I guess we'll just make do without the help."

 

I would not offer another more convenient time as an option because the strings attached would annoy me.

 

Love this and I agree.

[J-rap]

How about, "Well, thanks, but that won't work for us.  We have a lot of special family traditions and events in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and I want all the kids home."

 

It's not actually saying "Don't come help us then," so maybe they'll just accept your response and still come.  :)

 

But I suppose if they offer another time altogether, and if you don't want to send the girls alone, you'll still need to come up with something...

 

"Thanks, but I'm not ready to send my girls without me yet."

 

The strings attached would really bother me.  

 

 

[bodiesmom]

I spent many years with this kind of thinking on the part of the in-laws.

 

As suggested already, politely decline.

 

ETA- I became fiercely independent over the years due to this kind of nonsense.

Edited November 28, 2017 by bodiesmom

[Rachel]

How old are the kids?

 

If the spouse is out of town are you forgoing family traditions anyway?

 

How long is spouse gone that you need extra help?

 

No answers needed, just helping you think things through.

When my husband travels I generally schedule a play date for at least one kid for an afternoon, it helps get me a much needed break. I’m not keen on sending my kids to the grandparents for more than a night or two.

[Rachel]

I may have misread. You are asking for help sometime not the week before Christmas but they will only help if you let the kids stay the week before Christmas?

[alisoncooks]

How about, "Well, thanks, but that won't work for us. We have a lot of special family traditions and events in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and I want all the kids home."

 

I like this. For us, the week before Christmas is crazy. I totally wouldn't have the time to manage an across-state-lines child visit.

[sangtarah]

I may have misread. You are asking for help sometime not the week before Christmas but they will only help if you let the kids stay the week before Christmas?

Yes, in a nutshell. The help would be for the second week of December. They have asked if the “deal†can be their help then they take the kids for a little more than a week.

 

We won’t be forgoing our family traditions, spouse is gone for just a few days.

[ScoutTN]

My first inclination is to politely decline because of the strings attached. Don't want to begin a pattern or an expectation. go with your mommy gut reaction.

 

Might depend on how much I really need the help, though. Will a regular babysitter or some kid-care swapping with another mom do the trick?

 

[sassenach]

How about, "Well, thanks, but that won't work for us. We have a lot of special family traditions and events in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and I want all the kids home."

 

It's not actually saying "Don't come help us then," so maybe they'll just accept your response and still come. :)

 

But I suppose if they offer another time altogether, and if you don't want to send the girls alone, you'll still need to come up with something...

 

"Thanks, but I'm not ready to send my girls without me yet."

 

The strings attached would really bother me.

Just to be a little nitpicky, both of these decline scripts use reasons why you are declining and IME no is a complete sentence and anything more invites argument. Anytime I give a reason with my “no†I end up having to navigate either being villainized (“Oh, you’re so inflexible. Why won’t you let us have some traditions with the kids, too?â€) or dismissed (“You can trust us, there’s no reason you can’t sent them without you.â€). Verses, “Sorry, that’s not going to work for us! We’ll figure something else out,†which completely strips the power out of their hands. Now they have to figure out how to convince you that they really do want to come and help (because they probably do).

[J-rap]

Just to be a little nitpicky, both of these decline scripts use reasons why you are declining and IME no is a complete sentence and anything more invites argument. Anytime I give a reason with my “no†I end up having to navigate either being villainized (“Oh, you’re so inflexible. Why won’t you let us have some traditions with the kids, too?â€) or dismissed (“You can trust us, there’s no reason you can’t sent them without you.â€). Verses, “Sorry, that’s not going to work for us! We’ll figure something else out,†which completely strips the power out of their hands. Now they have to figure out how to convince you that they really do want to come and help (because they probably do).

 

Yeah, I can see your point.  I guess I would simply not continue the discussion though after my first response, even if they attempted to continue it.  

 

I'm kind of giving grandparents the benefit of the doubt on this one (by trying to be polite/gracious and all), but if this is typical behavior of them, then probably a simple "No" is best.

[Katy]

I agree with the polite declines above.  I can see why you need help with that age spread though - I'd offer the sixth grader a special job - pay her for watching the infant while you school the middle kids, and she can do her homeschooling in the evening instead.  This could be a mother's helper rate of a few bucks an hour, or a negotiation for whatever sort of extra present she wants or an extra allowance for clothes or something.

 

If she takes the local hospital babysitting class first she could consider it experience towards babysitting. I wouldn't pay her the full rate that you would someone else yet though, not unless she has lots of experience.

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, you did ask them for a big favor.

I'm not saying that that makes their strings right, but they are asking for one back which doesn't seem completely unreasonable.

 

So I think I would look at it as a negotiation of sorts.  I'd probably say, "Well, not that week, but how about the second week in January?" or something of that sort.

[Rachel]

Yes, in a nutshell. The help would be for the second week of December. They have asked if the “deal†can be their help then they take the kids for a little more than a week.

 

We won’t be forgoing our family traditions, spouse is gone for just a few days.

Ouch. That’s a different story.

 

Is it possible they don’t think they are attaching strings? Could they possibly think that they will be at your house, and then you will be at theirs, so it is convenient to take a couple children home with them? My inlaws are good people who just view things differently. I could see them proposing something like this without realizing they are creating conditions.

 

I like the suggestion of telling them the week before Christmas doesn’t work for the kids to visit but proposing a different date that does work instead.

[Miss Mousie]

Well, you did ask them for a big favor.

I'm not saying that that makes their strings right, but they are asking for one back which doesn't seem completely unreasonable.

 

So I think I would look at it as a negotiation of sorts.  I'd probably say, "Well, not that week, but how about the second week in January?" or something of that sort.

 

I agree.  Another possibility:  Can they have the girls at their house while your spouse is away, instead of coming to you and then going to them later?  If it's only a few days, I would think schooling would not be terribly harmed/disrupted at their ages.

[SKL]

I agree that it sounds like help with strings.

 

Separate from the icky strings - if my kids were invited over for the week before Christmas, I would say no, but I'd suggest the week after Christmas instead.  (Were they asking that because they need help getting ready for the holidays, or just want to have time with the kids?  If they need the help, that would make me feel less icky about the proposition.)

Edited November 28, 2017 by SKL

[Garga]

It's hard to tell if this was a friendly interaction that was not meant to indicate strings or not. Perhaps it was like this:

 

Our daughter is calling for help. We'd love to help! And while she's on the phone, I'm remembering that we'd like to have the grandkids visit. I'll make the request fun and lighthearted and say, "Sure, we'll help out if you send the girls over before Christmas!"

 

Or was it more sneaky or mean-spirited? We will help out but seriously only if we have time alone with the grandkids. And if we don't have that time alone we won't help out. Or we will, but we'll be resentful about it.

 

It depends on how it was done. If it was meant to be a sort of goofy or teasing way of requesting time with the grandkids, I'd probably talk through a better time for a visit with them and meet their request.

 

If it was meant to be controlling and rather than them having good faith that you'd send the kids over, but they felt they had to manipulate you into sending the kids over...no. I wouldn't go down the path of playing games like that with anyone. I'd just say, "It won't work out. Nevermind, then." And then when you're visiting with them for Christmas, plan a time when the girls can visit with the grandparents in January or whenever..

Edited November 28, 2017 by Garga

[ksr5377]

My reaction would depend on whether or not strings were a common theme with them.  If it's not common, then I would be looking at it more like they would like their grandchildren to come and to have some one-on-one time with them and this would save someone a trip, as they'll already be there helping you out for a few days.  Even if it was worded in a "Ill do this if you do that" kind of way, I wouldn't consider this strings unless it was an established pattern.  My mom has said things like this to me before.  For example, she'll say "I'll watch the kids but only if I can take them out for ice cream!"  If for whatever reason I didn't want them having ice cream, she would still watch my children for me.  Now, if they truly won't help you if you don't let the kids visit that week.....well, then I probably wouldn't even want to go see them at Christmas let alone let the kids go on their own.

 

ETA: Garga said it above better than I did  :laugh:

Edited November 28, 2017 by ksr5377

[bolt.]

I think you should leave room in your response, just in case they miscommunicated / overstated the conditional nature of their proposal. They might just mean 'this way works best for us' not 'we won't, unless you agree'. (They also might want to 'take it back' by pretending they never meant it in the first place. It's good to have an out.)

 

My reply would be, "Sorry, we have plans for that week. Can we figure out a plan for just (the week you need help for)?"

[sangtarah]

It's hard to tell if this was a friendly interaction that was not meant to indicate strings or not. Perhaps it was like this:

 

Our daughter is calling for help. We'd love to help! And while she's on the phone, I'm remembering that we'd like to have the grandkids visit. I'll make the request fun and lighthearted and say, "Sure, we'll help out if you send the girls over before Christmas!"

 

Or was it more sneaky or mean-spirited? We will help out but seriously only if we have time alone with the grandkids. And if we don't have that time alone we won't help out. Or we will, but we'll be resentful about it.

 

It depends on how it was done. If it was meant to be a sort of goofy or teasing way of requesting time with the grandkids, I'd probably talk through a better time for a visit with them and meet their request.

 

If it was meant to be controlling and rather than them having good faith that you'd send the kids over, but they felt they had to manipulate you into sending the kids over...no. I wouldn't go down the path of playing games like that with anyone. I'd just say, "It won't work out. Nevermind, then." And then when you're visiting with them for Christmas, plan a time when the girls can visit with the grandparents in January or whenever..

Basically, it was the second. They want a “deal.†They have said for awhile that they want the kids to visit, and have made “guilt-trip†remarks about why that hasn’t happened yet. Using guilt and manipulation is a common theme, not in a evil way, just as a way to achieve a desired outcome. It’s all done in love. Not in total selfishness, although that is part of it, too.

 

To clarify, it’s only my Mom who was asked to travel, not both. Her first reaction was “I don’t think that will work, let me think about it.†Later her text said “I come there you let the kids come home with me.†Then she wrote of how it would be good for me. On the phone today it was, “keep thinking about it, we’ll call tonight. But maybe you’ll decide you don’t need me.†Hard to tell if that means she will only travel here if they go back with her; it sure felt that way when I heard it.

 

Anyway, most of us are sick, and I’m tired, and I may be misinterpreting or overthinking everything. Maybe it would be nice for me. Although my dds are a huge help to me, so I think it would be harder, actually.

[Rachel]

Basically, it was the second. They want a “deal.†They have said for awhile that they want the kids to visit, and have made “guilt-trip†remarks about why that hasn’t happened yet. Using guilt and manipulation is a common theme, not in a evil way, just as a way to achieve a desired outcome. It’s all done in love. Not in total selfishness, although that is part of it, too.

 

To clarify, it’s only my Mom who was asked to travel, not both. Her first reaction was “I don’t think that will work, let me think about it.†Later her text said “I come there you let the kids come home with me.†Then she wrote of how it would be good for me. On the phone today it was, “keep thinking about it, we’ll call tonight. But maybe you’ll decide you don’t need me.†Hard to tell if that means she will only travel here if they go back with her; it sure felt that way when I heard it.

 

Anyway, most of us are sick, and I’m tired, and I may be misinterpreting or overthinking everything. Maybe it would be nice for me. Although my dds are a huge help to me, so I think it would be harder, actually.

Ok so it does sound like she is only willing to help if the kids come stay with her. I’d just tell her you will manage on your own.

 

You can do it! You are home with your kids every day, you will just be adding evenings. It’s just a few days. Maybe prep a few meals ahead of time so you can just pull something out of the freezer instead of cooking while he’s gone. I promise, you can do it.

[Moonhawk]

Basically, it was the second. They want a “deal.†They have said for awhile that they want the kids to visit, and have made “guilt-trip†remarks about why that hasn’t happened yet. Using guilt and manipulation is a common theme, not in a evil way, just as a way to achieve a desired outcome. It’s all done in love. Not in total selfishness, although that is part of it, too.

 

To clarify, it’s only my Mom who was asked to travel, not both. Her first reaction was “I don’t think that will work, let me think about it.†Later her text said “I come there you let the kids come home with me.†Then she wrote of how it would be good for me. On the phone today it was, “keep thinking about it, we’ll call tonight. But maybe you’ll decide you don’t need me.†Hard to tell if that means she will only travel here if they go back with her; it sure felt that way when I heard it.

 

Anyway, most of us are sick, and I’m tired, and I may be misinterpreting or overthinking everything. Maybe it would be nice for me. Although my dds are a huge help to me, so I think it would be harder, actually.

 

From what you describe, yes, I'd assume that her coming is contingent on getting the kids that extra week. My mom often does the "but it'd be best for you! I'm thinking of you!" tactic when trying to get her way. 95% of the time it sounds like a good idea, which ends up just being more work and less enjoyable for me. Especially if you miss out on family traditions, but don't really get that much downtime (if they aren't taking ALL the kids, the downtime will not be true relaxation and IME the baby is more work when the older kids aren't around, lol), you will probably resent the time away from kids and it won't help much.

 

I think others have had polite responses. I'd probably stick to the polite no with no real explanation past "that won't work for us, sorry!". 

 

If you do take her up on it, try moving the traditions to a few days before they leave so that you still have something enjoyable with them and the traditions aren't in danger of falling away completely. And maybe figure out if there's a way you can get some true relaxation in that time, too. 

[bolt.]

I'm trying to figure out your family configuration, because I can see that obviously some families can't make do without 2 adults for a few days... but, really, the vast majority of families can handle that without thinking that they "need" a grandparent to step in.

 

In most cases a grandparent or other 2nd adult would make it considerably easier, of course. I don't mean it's stupid to want help -- it's just the difference between wanting help (but being fine without it) and needing help (so you might need to jump through hoops to get it). Figuring yourself out on the want/need scale will help you make this decision.

 

If this problem is easily solved wth some take-out and a bit of extra TV, it's not worth hassling yourself or grandma.

[sangtarah]

I'm trying to figure out your family configuration, because I can see that obviously some families can't make do without 2 adults for a few days... but, really, the vast majority of families can handle that without thinking that they "need" a grandparent to step in.

 

In most cases a grandparent or other 2nd adult would make it considerably easier, of course. I don't mean it's stupid to want help -- it's just the difference between wanting help (but being fine without it) and needing help (so you might need to jump through hoops to get it). Figuring yourself out on the want/need scale will help you make this decision.

 

If this problem is easily solved wth some take-out and a bit of extra TV, it's not worth hassling yourself or grandma.

No, I don’t “need†her. I can manage.

Dh called her on a spur of the moment thought, because this past week has been so crazy and he has been traveling so much lately. He thought it would be a nice thing for me to have an extra hand for a little bit. And it would.

 

I started the this discussion because I was wondering if I was reading too much into it, or being overly clingy to my kids during the holiday season. I wanted other points of view. Seems like most here would decline and find another time for kids to visit.

[Garga]

Since there are real strings attached and it's a manipulation tactic, then no. Nope-y nope nope. Uh uh. No.

 

I haaaaate those kinds of games and will not play.

 

Watch a lot of tv and order out. Or make grilled cheese sandwiches and canned soup for every meal--whatever is easy.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Garga

[Rachel]

No, I don’t “need†her. I can manage.

Dh called her on a spur of the moment thought, because this past week has been so crazy and he has been traveling so much lately. He thought it would be a nice thing for me to have an extra hand for a little bit. And it would.

 

I started the this discussion because I was wondering if I was reading too much into it, or being overly clingy to my kids during the holiday season. I wanted other points of view. Seems like most here would decline and find another time for kids to visit.

I can totally relate. The constantly traveling husband can be quite tiresome.