SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) Thanks for all the support. Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dynamite5 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 :grouphug: That sounds super stressful. I am not sure if it's an option for you, but I would avoid that person for the foreseeable future. I just wouldn't put my child or myself through that. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) Deleting personal info. Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I would be avoiding that situation like the plague. I assume the other person is an adult. Kids do have different needs and it sounds like you're handling it perfectly if you're following up on all angles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dynamite5 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Avoiding the person is not an option. We see each other almost every day. Wow. That stinks. I'm really sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Ugh, that stinks. I'm sorry! Do you think there is any chance your DD could have a reason for her dislike of this person? Anything that may have happened that you don't know about? Or is she just triggered by them? If you see the person every day, maybe this person has been unkind to your DD when you haven't been there to see it? I have no idea if this is a possibility, just something that occurred to me. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I'm sorry. :grouphug: Vent away. I guess you've explored a possible tipping point? I mean has it always been like this from day one, or did something change at some point? Is there perhaps something the adult said or did that bugged your DD? I know I had to apologize to a teen several years ago at church for something her mom didn't even notice or think was a big deal when it was explained, but I could tell the teen did and appreciated the apology. It was unintentional belittling, basically. What does DD think about herself? If it's generally negative, this adult's negativity and lack of self-control could be feeding an already poor self image? Just thoughts; I don't mean to be bothersome or add stress. I hope you find relief and/or a solution sooner rather than later. Almost daily strife is a lot to bear. :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 How important is it that you maintain civility to this person? I'd just tell her that I do not want nor care for her opinion. I'd suggest maybe your kid isn't far wrong in having a just dislike of her exactly because of this behavior of hers. But hey, don't take it wrong. You are only telling her she is not liked for her own good and if she'd just quit being a jerk, everything would be better. I wouldn't encourage my kid to be rude, but neither would I insist my kid silently put up with a jerk either. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Well if this is someone you absolutely MUST deal with, I would come up with a strong canned response for every time she pokes the tween or judges your parenting. I think many people like this can be trained to back off and mind their own business at least in your presence. I might ask her without the tween there "When you escalate things with Suzy, it just seems to make the situation worse. I know she's difficult right now and I'm looking at many angles to help. I would like to ask for your help and just not respond and ignore when she behaves badly. My kids have different needs and this is a medical and/or psychological issue I'm working hard to resolve." and then be prepared to follow up to deflect it the tween starts in. Is she ever alone with the tween? Because that seems like a bad idea. I also would change the topic each and every time your parenting comes up "I've heard your opinion many times. How about that weather/movie/event/cheese dip?" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) [Deleted personal info....] Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 If this friend thinks you guys are such good friends that you can tell you what to do, then surely she would be open to the reverse - you telling her to stop making this an issue. If she can dish out advice to you, perhaps she should learn to take some advice to leave your daughter alone. And, as she is fond of saying to you, you can tell your friend that YOUR advice is for HER own good. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) [Deleted personal info.] Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 How old is the kid involved? I would at least try to avoid the kid and adult being around each other. But, I would go to great lengths to avoid the other adult whenever possible, Life is too short. Have you asked the kid how to make things better with this person? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I think I would come right out and tell the adult that you know the situation and that it is a problem, you don't need her to tell you, you are dealing with it, and if she don't stop bringing it up you will have to take extreme measures. Say she is making the situation worse. Or if you can't think of an extreme measure, tell her you are going to blow your top. I'd try and seem really mad, or knowing myself that would make me cry, but really be over the top. Then, I'd do it, if necessary. I might even swear. It sounds like that is the only thing that will work. It's super-childish, but maybe that's the only level she can understand. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 This sounds really rough. Have you ever tried forecasting the behavior you want with your kid, rather than correcting it after the fact? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I'd be ticked off, too. You say you have to see this person every day. If it's someone in the household, that's a lot harder to manage than with someone who doesn't live there. For someone in the household, I'd try as much as possible to keep them apart. (Easier said than done, I'm sure.) Since this person isn't getting the message that she needs to back off, I like some of the very direct conversations previous posters suggested. For the adult's own good, of course. Sounds like you're working hard to address any issues with your DD. Don't let this busybody make you doubt yourself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) [deleted as a courtesy to the OP since the original post was deleted] Yep, I'd so use this line right back. You know, "Well, you are the adult and I think you should apologize/drop it (whichever)." I don't know why you see this person everyday, but I'd certainly be working to change my situation so that I didn't see her at all. New carpool, different work schedule, new afterschool schedule, moving houses(!). :grouphug: Tough to deal with your daughter and a childlike adult both giving you a hard time. Edited September 1, 2017 by RootAnn 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 My thought is tough luck to her. She's the adult. Good grief. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Yep, I'd so use this line right back. You know, "Well, you are the adult and I think you should apologize/drop it (whichever)." I don't know why you see this person everyday, but I'd certainly be working to change my situation so that I didn't see her at all. New carpool, different work schedule, new afterschool schedule, moving houses(!). :grouphug: Tough to deal with your daughter and a childlike adult both giving you a hard time. :iagree: Her response is gaslighting plain and simple. Her feelings aren't more important than yours or the tweens. I'd call her on it and shut it down every time. If she is getting in a tweens face, that could be damaging over the long term. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I just noticed your kids ages. Is this a 6th grader? If so, the adult definitely needs to suck it up. Show the kid some grace, apologize, and do what it takes to have at least reasonable relationship. The adult should lead the way with a 6th grader. If the adult is making an honest effort, I would encourage to child to forgive and move on. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 "That's nice. And I'm just telling you for your own good that antagonizing the situation with a child and patronizing me as her mother isn't helping. Again, it's for your own good." 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I'm picturing this as: Kid does something annoying This person comments on it and a quarrel starts between kid and her. You suggest she drop it and now it's a "polite" quarrel between the three of you. Or kid leaves and she starts telling you how you should have handled it. Does this sound accurate? If so, enough. You deal with people like that by refusing to engage with their crap. Person starts commenting to/about daughter. You immediately say, "I'm her mother and I'm handling this how I feel best. I don't want your input. Knock it off." If she continues, you literally say, "Enough." And turn away. And I'd teach my kid to do the same. Person starts in on her, I'd put my hands on her shoulders gently and say, "Remember what we discussed about how to handle this?" And physically turn her away and walk away with her without comment. If person starts to impede or interrupt, you stand firm on your course if action and just tell her, "I told you this is done. Your comments are not helpful or wanted." And keep on keeping on. I'd make sure this is done with other people around if at all possible too. I wouldn't yell or be hateful. But nope. Not putting up with it. And not teaching my kid to either. And for kids who can "feed off" this type of interaction causing it to grow and escalate, it's extra important to help them cut the source off rather than engaging. Many a not fun convo over that over the years here. Sometimes being polite is way overrated and is used by people as a guise to be jerks. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) [Deleted personal info] Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 :iagree: Her response is gaslighting plain and simple. Her feelings aren't more important than yours or the tweens. I'd call her on it and shut it down every time. If she is getting in a tweens face, that could be damaging over the long term. I was going to say she's gaslighting you, too. If you didn't recognize it as such, it's probably because she's been doing that to you a lot and it feels like a "normal" response. But it isn't. Not at all. I know you are having issues with your daughter, but in general, if a kid doesn't want to be around a particular adult, it's because they have a genuine reason -- which could be a lot of things. Your daughter is probably being defensive because she feels she needs to be. The adult in question, however, is being a manipulative, vindictive ass to both you and your daughter. For the sake of both of you, shut that bitch down now. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Sort of, although my way of "suggesting she drop it" usually involves noting that we need to go do something else so "let's move on." Sometimes I force my kid to apologize or dish out other consequences. It always starts with the adult doing something perfectly reasonable and my kid having an unreasonable response. But then the adult digs in and can't let go. Why is she doing anything with your kid, reasonable or not? If she knows she is aggravating your kid and knows your child isn't going to respond normally to her, that makes it unreasonable of her to do it. She doesn't sound reasonable to me. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I would suggest that you stop making your kid apologize, because you know the apology won't be accepted anyway. You can ask her to knock it off if she's being obnoxious, but I wouldn't go any farther than that. Start defending your dd right from the start and let your friend know that if it's a choice between her feelings and your dd's feelings, your dd will win every single time. Tell your friend straight out that she's acting like a child and you're not going to put up with her treatment of your dd. If she says your dd starts the trouble, tell her to act like an adult and ignore it. Two wrongs don't make a right. You may be unknowingly sending your friend (and she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me!) a mixed message when you correct your dd in front of her, because she feels that gives her the right to keep harping on your dd. I think you need to stop your friend in her tracks before she gets a chance to berate your dd. At this point, I don't even care that your dd may be wrong. I think what's important is for her to know that you have her back and you won't let anyone treat her poorly. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Omg! That woman sounds horrible. She can't let things go with a 10 year old? And to say "problem daughter" - really?! If that was my daughter, I would have looked straight at that woman and said, "She's NOT a problem daughter. She is a WONDERFUL daughter!" and marched away. It sounds like this woman is not reasonable, and may have her own disability... either in social thinking, emotional regulation, etc... SOMETHING is clearly up with her! I'm 100% on your daughter's side here, even if she does do things that are annoying and disrespectful. 10 year olds don't have the same control over their actions that adults *should* have. I can remember so many things I did as a kid that, thinking back... were incredibly dumb and obnoxious. Ugh. Adults can be the worst sometimes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Well she will ask, "how was your day at school" or "would you like some of this food" etc. Yesterday she gave my other daughter a hug and the "problem daughter" made a face and said "gross." WHY? Not yelling but... She knows your dd doesn't like her and is easily aggravated by her and yet she keeps pushing engaging with her. Once she knows this, and she does, and keeps doing it, that's when she is no longer being reasonable. She's being a passive aggressive jerk. It does not matter if it is okay with some other kid. It's clear it isn't with you and yours and that should be respected. Nip it. For example, if it were me it might go like this. Her: would you like one of these oranges? I'd respond before dd could: no, thanks! Her: how was your day? Me: oh she's saving that to share with me later! In the case of the hug thing: Dd: gross Me before jerk lady can respond, I'd say calmly, "your opinion wasn't asked so that's enough." And MOVE along. Literally. Put arm around shoulder of dd and start talking about something else. No apologies. No explainations. Just moving on. If jerk lady tries to interrupt, I'd just say, "I said that's enough about it. And we are done with it." And walk away. I know it sounds harsh and embarrassing but IME, it nips the problem. It allows you to defend your kid without encouraging them and allows you to set an example of healthy boundaries with adults too, which IMNSHO is extremely important for kids on the spectrum. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Kid will be 11 in October. I've started with the forgiveness tack with my daughter. She needs more work before she is ready, especially since the adult refuses to admit there is anything to forgive. I think this is hard for adults, and it may not be realistic for a kid who has several other "Issues" to contend with. If the adult refuses to admit there is anything to apologize for then focus on the kid. Assuming you agree an apology is in order, then I would explain to the kid, yes you deserve an apology but adult is not willing to do that. So how do you and kid move on? What does the kid want? Does the kid want a relationship? If so, decide under what terms and what is acceptable to the kid. If kid is not ready for that right now, I would accept that and let her set the boundaries for interaction with the adult. After you and kid decide how to proceed based on what kid is comfortable with, I would explain to adult one time what is going to happen. After that, I would say "We've already discussed this. Maybe in x number of weeks or months we can revisit the conversation." Kid is 11. I would protect her and stand by her decision while gently encouraging whatever level of interaction she is comfortable with and hopefully move forward from there. I would not force interaction at all. Good luck! Sounds like a heartache. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 This isn't someone who lives in your house, is it? I hope not, because I can't imagine how stressful that would be. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited September 1, 2017 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Housemate, yes. I need to go and delete personal stuff above. Thanks for all your support. Ugh. That sucks. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Is moving an option? I wouldn't want to live with someone who was mean to my child. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Oh dear, housemate... never mind. I guess marching off in a huff is not really practical! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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